Thursday, August 31, 2006

Like sands through the hourglass...

Ever feel like you live in a soap opera? Sometimes I do, especially when at work, and everything is such a personal drama. So and so thinks this guy hates her but this guy was over it way a long time ago, then again so and so still holds grudges against um, well, almost everyone. Who is pregnant, who is getting divorced, who is sleeping with who, who is mad with who...

Try this story on for size: your mom just passed away, you find out your dad is dating the person he hired to care for her and is absolutely doing great while everyone else is upset and crying and suffering. Looking at past episodes, you realize that your father's mother was the nanny in the past that married your grandfather after his first wife passed away. Like father like son, right?

I figure that I could fit myself inside a soap opera very easily, all except the terrifically rich family part. All I need is cheesy music and lots of commercials about diapers and feminine itching.

So how do we overcome the drama? The theme says "like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives." This means to me that the days in our lives are numbered and we need to take advantage of them while we have the chance, before they slip away. So many times in soaps I see people holding grudges and keeping secrets. This has to stop. In order to go on with our lives and enjoy them before they slip away, we need to be honest and forgiving.

Honest I can do. Ok, I lied. I have a hard time being honest with my father. I cannot straight out tell him how much his relationship hurts me. I cannot call him and say to him "Dad, I cry every day because of you." Its not just him dating, its him dating HER and his whole attitude about how great life is, and how disrespectful he is to my mom and her memory and their daughters. I have told my father he breaks my heart, but I honestly do not think he "gets it." I know men are dense, but maybe he does get it and doesn't care. Even my sister is hurting. We feel stuck. We do not know how to tell our father to grow up and realize what he is doing. Then there is the fact that he never calls unless he needs something or is told he should.

Maybe its us. Maybe we are crossing boundaries by feeling this way, taking ownership of what is not ours to own. I get so confused. Is it wrong for us to feel this way? My head spins.

Then there is forgiveness. Every single day I pray for help forgiving. I understand the concept beyond booksmarts. I could research forgiveness to the ends of the earth, it does not make it any easier to do. Forgiveness does not mean "it is ok that you hurt me," it just means "I am not going to let it hurt me anymore." That is the short version. How can I see through all the hurt? This is the part I am stuck at.

My heart is so heavy, and I still mourn my mom. Perhaps that is why I can't stand up, I'm still down.

The only one who can heal me is God. He is the only perfect One who will never dissapoint me. I am broken for Him. Please God, I pray, help me pick up the pieces. You have brought me here, I have accepted your Son, your Spirit. Show me the next step towards YOU. You are faithful, You are the Lord. Life giver, Heart mender, only your peace can fix my heart. In Jesus name, Amen.

Hey, interested in reading more about forgiveness? Check out Janus's blog, he wrote a heart wrencher.