Emotionally Invested

Have you ever wondered why you feel so bummed out when something doesn't happen? Probably not, because you were really emotionally invested, hoping that it would. I remember taking the leap and asking this boy out, only to find out that he didn't even know who I was. Talk about a bad ROI on those emotions.

What happens when your long term emotional investment pans out?

For the whole entire time I have known Dave, about 6 years now, I have known about his son. For the past two we have been working on gaining custody. The whole while God has assured me it will happen.

And it has...

And I am lost. You see, I don't think I have ever truly been emotionally invested in something that has ever really truly come out as awesome as this. Yes, there are difficulties with changes, but that is normal for having any child.

I know I am supposed to be happy. Yet I feel, have felt, locked. This sense of dread has come over me. You see, I just don't know how to deal with this success.

Or maybe its the bills that still need to be paid, oh how I hate money right now.

Or this sense that this is only the beginning, and God is going to keep using me, and for greater things at that, and am I ready for that? I am not worthy! Oh to wrestle with self-worth again. And weight, I have gained weight! Stress = food. Munching on Wheat Thins as I type! I love the crunch! (I should email willy wonka and ask for some calorie free crunch gum.)

Oh woe is me!

Mark Batterson wrote on his blog about nerves. "...it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence upon God." "At times, I don't feel like I'm ready or I'm qualified for the opportunity the Lord presents. It seems bigger than me. And it always is. But here is what the Spirit put in my spirit recently: I am not bigger than this moment but God in me is bigger than this moment. That simple truth has set me free. It puts everything in perspective. My excitement about who God is and what God is doing overwhelms my human nerves..."

So with that, I stop and pause. I need to get on my knees. I need to depend on God. God is bigger than me. I am just dirt. I am just clay. I need to just enjoy His blessings and remember that God is in control!

Oh, I still want to lay face down and cry for days. It is awe.

I am not worthy I say. God says I am.

Changes Challenges Choices

I am going through a lot of changes right now. That also means many challenges. I have to re-think my priorities and decide what is important to me.

I have to admit, I have been slipping into a bit of a depression. Sleeping in, or oversleeping, and avoiding things like people and blogging and working out and such. The computer has also been jamming every time I try to load photos.

I am struggling with communicating with my husband, and he is struggling with not getting enough sleep.

I have a little boy at home, and at work I often feel sad about what I am missing by not being there. I have to work. I miss what a lot of people take for granted, evenings with their children.

I am learning about friendships, especially friendships the way God intended. With women. AND, I actually have made steps! I reached out to a few safe ladies, and plans are in the works. The best thing however, was when I wrote a letter to my dear friend who has really been pivotal in my life. I cried like the whole time, as I am sure she did while reading the letter. I think I have learned a lot how un-safe I was, which is why I never had a lot of friends. But, I didn't know any better. I am learning, I am growing by God's grace.

I do get overwhelmed by grace quite often, which is why I have been backing off of God. Its not the right thing to do, but I feel that if I didn't back off I wouldn't be able to function, I would be facedown in tears, not able to do anything. I don't know if I am saying it all the right way, but its my comprehension of it, and I need to talk to someone about it.

So I have choices to make, and I want to choose the best thing. You see, life happens no matter what you do. Choosing nothing is still a choice. I want to choose life. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I believe that living life, and loving others is God's will. Like that song says "its not what you did, its how you live" that's what I mean.

I think I have a phone call to make.

Season to write

In this new life, I always want to be moving forward. I don't want to be overcome, but I think one of the ways that God has provided for me is that I can write. Writing helps me to wrap my head around my feelings. The things that swarm my brain and my heart.

To everything there is a season, and with time off from leading a group, perhaps I need to take that time to write.

Okay, fine, God is calling me to write.

You see, I have this story to tell, and if I don't write it down, if I don't share what I know out of my obedient overflow, many will miss out.

God previously called me to be silent, to be still and listen as He did the work.

In this season, He is causing me to sing "I will not be silent" (ala David Crowder Band) and to share what the Lord has done through me.

Today I was invited to sit in on my church's All Staff meeting, where we had a guest speaker. Anne Jackson (another Anne with an e-- love it!) wrote the book Mad Church Disease. She talked about how serving should come from an obedient overflow and that phrase stuck out to me. You see I feel that by grace I am swimming in this overflow, unsure as to what to do right now. I have never been here before. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

God says to write. So here I go. Step one: admit you are powerless. God, this whole thing is so brand new to me. I don't know what I am doing. Step two: believe God can restore you. Father only you can lead me where I need to go. Step three: turn it over to Him. So I give this to you. This abundance you have placed in my lap. I humbly give it back to you.

Help me Lord to follow where you lead.

Its a boy!

If you hadn't noticed, I have been missing for a couple weeks on the blog here. Let's just say that my family has been going through some changes.

For quite some time my husband and I have been pursuing custody of his son. We brought him home just a little over two weeks ago.

I am a mom. (Okay, step-mom, but that term has such bad connotation...)

Jeramy turns 7 on May 2. He is intelligent, adorable, and very much like his dad. He is adjusting rather well considering.

I won't go into details about the past. Just know that Jeramy is thriving in his new environment. His half sister wants to move out here and go to college, so we are looking for cheap but nice housing for her, preferably a room to rent. (Contact me if you are considering it!)

I have had a good excuse for being gone from the blog, and so much to say I can't say anything.

I hope to get back to posting deep thoughts soon.