Friends and fulfillment

This is the time of year for new friends and old. The time when magic seems to be in the air to those who are open to the possibility.

I have a friend that I read her blog, we have had only a few conversations, have never hung out, yet for some reason we have a deep love for each other. I made the leap and introduced myself to her a while back, and we have exchanged a few emails. Our hearts are similar. I think we have an understanding that goes beyond basic things. That is the awesomeness of being a part of something bigger than you. That is the awesomeness of being in the body of Christ.

I have a friend that I just met about 3 months ago. By just being me, I have put into her enough that she has called me her role-model. I don't say this to boast, I say this to boast in Christ in me. You see, I am a shy person, and pretty selfish. It's God who makes me reach out and care. She told me she loves me, and it took me a while to accept it. But she said it when I needed it. Today, when she saw me, she cried. She cried because she knew the good news and just got a chance to congratulate me.

I have a friend that I grew up with. She was practically my sister. I used to think that I don't have friends that I grew up with, but I was excluding family. You see, this friend is my cousin. Her and I also have an understanding deeper than words, and its been neat as she has moved away and gotten married just how much our relationship has grown. She has been more encouraging to me by simple email and messages than she knows. I can't wait to see her for Christmas.

I have another friend that is old enough to be my mom. She is more like my role model, it was another woman that I introduced myself to and told her that I thought she was beautiful. She has since poured herself and her heart into me, and it has meant more to me to have someone to look up to, and get feedback, both positive and negative, that I need. Yet I never feel bad about it, she doesn't ever put me down. She has always believed in me.

Probably one of the most endearing friendships is my aunt. I get a bit of satisfaction when looking for a mom, yet she treats me like an adult, something my mom never really did. I can't really describe it, yet she blows my mind every time. And it has been amazing watching her grow and develop. She is very, very, dear to me, more like an older sister than an aunt.

Then there is this friend that is my sister, by blood and faith. There was a period in my life that we did not get along, and I wanted something from her that she could not give me. Things changed. Mom got sick, or sicker, and Megan came down. Something happened in the pain, I grew to know her, I grew to know my mom more, I grew to know Christ. And a relationship was healed. My sister is so dear to me, and I truly enjoy talking with her, praying with her, praying for her. When we get together, its as if no time has passed. I am so proud of her. She has been an inspiration to me. And though we don't always agree on everything, we love each other for our differences. She is awesome, and I can't wait to see what she is going to accomplish.

I also have this one friend, Shelley. You see, I think we became friends because we have the same name, spelled the same way. I haven't seen her in forever until last night. Yet we keep up with each other in an odd sort of way. And watching her grow up is amazing. She is turning into such a fine young woman.

Facebook may seem like stalking sometimes, but I like to check in on my friends. I like to read their blogs, find out what is going on in their lives. I work when most people are home, its hard for me to "hang out." I have also been able to make more friends because I just talk to them online. Its kind of weird.

Three friends I haven't met in person that I enjoy I met by following links and clicks. One is out in Kentucky and involved with the Crossings church (its a New Thing church.) He sent me a t-shirt once because I wanted one. I wore it, photographed it, and blogged it. I think I started following his blog as a link off of someone else's that I don't read anymore, but I can't remember. I hope to visit him and his family with my family one day (and of course visit Crossings.) The other is a lady I met by looking at friends of friends on Twitter. Then you follow their links and find blogs. Then you read the blog, identify, and send a message. BAM, suddenly you are friends on twitter and facebook. We will meet one day soon. The last is a lady out east that works her buns off. She is a delightful writer and photographer, and I truly look forward to her blogs. We have prayed for each other often. One day, I hope to make it out there, but you never know.

One of my best friends I met because she was my mom's friends daughter. We both loved reading and Anne of Green Gables and found out we were born 6 months apart. Suddenly we were kindred spirits and making oaths to be friends "as long as the sun and the moon shall endure." We have been pen-pals for years, until the advent of email. I can count the times I have actually been with her on my hands. She showed up for my wedding, and was probably the best non-bridesmaid bridesmaid a woman could want. The wedding would not have been the same without you girl! She now has a baby boy, and I can't wait to visit her again soon. I know no matter how many years go by, we will always be endeared to each other.

If I didn't mention you, don't take it personally. These are just a few leaves on my friendship tree. Kind of odd stories that my heart chose to share today. There are a ton of other people on my heart right now, some even I don't even know where they live anymore. Know this, I love you dearly and wish the best for you.

I am just so thankfull for all of my friends, old and new, far and near. Sometimes you just need to remember them, and this is one of those times. It fills my soul.

I also have to thank Epic Theatre Company for putting on Let It Be Christmas. It touched my soul in deep, deep places. It reminded me of a time when I had a dream, that "all you need is love." Only to find out that I still have that dream. My mom was cheering you on from heaven!

And cheesy as it is, thanks to Jesus for being my friend.

Shhhh... I'm hiding

I hate the winter. I can't seem to stay warm. I have my pajamas, my robe, and a blanket on. What's next?

Haven't really been online much either.

Look Maggie, a Lemur!

I have always loved the Simpsons. One of my favorite episodes starts with Lisa showing pictures to Maggie, and there is one of a lemur. Then Bart comes in and gets poked on the arm and goes "Ow, quit it." I think this is when he got a tattoo. Anyways, I just loved the way that Lisa said "lemur." I love the sound of the word lemur. It rhymes with femur, but is much more funny. Plus, look at the lemurs, they are the goofiest looking things ever! I love their ringtails and pointy ears and masked face.

Lemurs have absolutely nothing to do with me right now, except that it just seems how funny life is. We have lots of homework to do, mostly Dave does. And Dave started 2 new jobs, and actually works 40 hours a week now, which means we hardly get to see each other not tired.

This whole thing is taking some getting used to.

And then the sun has been missing.

Well, it did come back today, which explains the change in my demeanor. I wonder if a lamp would actually help me? When would I use it? I have no desire to go to Alaska at all. The sun dissapears half a year, and hangs around too long the other half. I think I wouldn't make it. It is hard enough with Chicago weather!

I need to write an update email, lots have been mentioning they would like an update.

I got through my Christmas cards last night, just need to check a few more addresses, and buy stamps (the line was Ginormous last time) then I can send them out.

I miss my friends Paul and Pearl, I haven't seen them in a while, and I used to see them all the time, so I feel so funny without them.

Oh, and life as we know it, its about to change.

By the way, I bawled my eyes out during "Bolt." Really good movie, for a cartoon.

Be back soon

Just got back in town, once I catch up, will blog a bit.

What a Turkey - Insane ramblings on the meaning of Thanksgiving

I have to apologize for my insanity of late. It seems that my emotions just overwhelm me at times. You see, its that time of the year. Time when we kill millions of turkeys off for a feast, get together with people we aren't normally around everyday, in fact some of whom we dread, and say we are thankful to God.

In America, Thanksgiving has become a holiday of celebrating our blessings by getting together with family and friends and then spend like a freak the next day. Its the official start of the Christmas (aka spending) season. Its a time when many folks gather in front of a tube to watch men tackle each other all day. Often, indulgence wins on this holiday, and holiday cheer turns into one too many beers. Leftovers become a challenge as to who can eat the most and make the most creative recipes. In all of this craziness, did you ever stop to wonder what this holiday is all about? Did you know that the word holiday came from "Holy Day" and that this day of indulgence was actually meant to be a Holy Day of reflection and celebration, giving thanks to God?

Thanksgiving occurred after the harvest, at a time when things were bountiful, and there was much to celebrate. It also helps to put on a winter layer of fat. It was a time to gather with your clan and give thanks to God. Now with all celebrations in the Bible, a special offering is given. This is the above and beyond your normal sacrificial giving, or above the tithe. It is given to the church, or should I say Church, and was used to glorify God and build up His Body.

Now if you watch Martha Stewart, you might come to the conclusion that it is used to glorify you and your home. Hosting a Thanksgiving is like boasting in your ability to provide, and showing your wealth off to your family. Why not go out and get a new couch before the family comes, because you wouldn't want them to ridicule the 5 year old one you have with that one stain from the juice your toddler spilled on it?

If you really want to honor God, do something different. Invite not just your family, but friends who have no place to go. The single mom from work who seems lonely, the nice guy who serves coffee and remembers your name, that one checker at the grocery store who won't crack a smile, but always remembers you, the recently divorced guy at the gym, those are the people that need to know they are loved. If your family judges your couch, they obviously don't care about you, and who you are. They obviously are not there to honor God and give thanks for how He has provided throughout the year.

The whole commercialization of holidays overall makes me sick.

If you don't give thanks to God, who do you give thanks to? If you only give thanks to God on Thanksgiving and when you just survived something horrible, why? Why not give thanks to God every day? Do you realize that God loves you just the way you are and wants so much more happiness and fulfillment for you? Do you realize that Jesus would have still been beaten and died on the cross if it was only for you? Do you realize that Jesus overcame death? Do you realize that it is because of Jesus you can have a relationship with God, an intimate relationship?

Thanks God, I wouldn't be where I am today without you. My shelter from the storm, my solid rock, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Lord, my God I love you.

I'm working on my bark

Yesterday my co-worker came in and told me I am looking great. What am I doing? Am I still on Weight Watchers, am I working out?

Nope, I haven't done a thing for like a month now. NOTHING! Please, all of you stop complimenting me when I feel super guilty about this. I do not deserve your praise.
My cousin Tammy has been helping me, by keeping me accountable, and loving and encouraging me no matter what. I wouldn't be this far without you girl! My sister was my initial inspiration, I don't even know how much weight she has lost, but man, oh man she is lookin' GOOD!

I can blame it on the season, the lack of sun, the increase in traveling and stress. But really, it comes down to me. I haven't been strong. I have given in to temptation. I have eaten past the point of being full just because something tastes good. I have kept eating chocolates even when I didn't need more because I wanted more. One would have been enough, okay maybe two. I have downed nearly half a pizza, I have eaten more than one dessert a week. I have fantasized about Coldstone. I have not been to the gym, despite setting realistic goals and thinking about it several times. I am a sinner in the worst way.

Why do I say this? Why am I a sinner? Because, I am being selfish. I am choosing what I want over what God wants. God wants what is good for me, I want what tastes good. Remind you of a certain fruit from a certain tree in a certain garden? Thanks a lot EVE!

I feel like crap, so I eat to comfort myself, but it just makes me feel crappier, so I eat more. Now I have yet to step on the scale, but I know I have gained weight. My pants are too tight. I am considering going back to my old jeans that I have yet to donate.

Please don't console me with how stressful my situation is and its okay. Because its not. See, my life has been a series of stress. Stress will always come, and if I don't stop the cycle, I will end up crying to Richard Simmons for help. I see the people who have the surgery, nothing really changes for them. They don't fix what it is on the inside. I was already told how to beat the system, and gain weight despite the surgery, so why would I have surgery? (By the way, its drinking milkshakes, which I love!) It won't change who I am.

I am a food addict. I have an addiction. I can't stop, I can't say no. Some can't quit drinking booze, some can't say no to sex, some can't quit snorting or shooting. I could easily be any of these people. And the American public is sadly getting more and more obese because its okay for us to eat what we want, we better eat it because there are starving children in Africa! The amount of over indulgence in this country is sickening. Not just with food, with everything, but that's a horse of an entirely different color.

Who can fix me? Only me, I have to make that decision. But I can't do it alone. I need God.

1. I admit, I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.
2. I believe that God can fix me, restore me to sanity
3. God, I hand myself over to you. Help me to change and be free of this addiction.
4. I need to look over and
5. give my moral inventory
6. because I am ready for Him to remove these defects of character
7. and I want to ask Him to do so

Guess what, I need to make an appointment to give my inventory.
I need to work the steps.
I stopped working them.
I stopped growing.
I turned away from God's will. (That is why I am a sinner)
I repent now. Help me God.

Here I go, let's weigh in:

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.5
This weeks loss/gain: 0.1
Total weight lost: 30.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.5

What?!! I cannot possibly have not gained only .1 pounds. My body feels horrible, my stomach is larger! God, you are doing something in me, and I see that. Help me to help you in the transformation of me. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Much

1. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Trouble (Caedemons Call) H.I. larious

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Closer (Jars of Clay) cool, its a song about getting closer to God...

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What I want (Daughtry)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sing to the Lord (Hillsong) this is getting creepy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Home (Daughtry) Yes! I'm going home!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful, Scandalous Night (Robbie Seay Band) also creepy accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Sovereign Hands (Hillsong United) God has those.

WHAT IS 2+2?
You Thought (Skillet) this is the most appropriate ever

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Blessed be your Name (Tree 63) oddly I think of this as his song

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Alive Forever, Amen! (Warren Barfield) Hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Conversation (David Crowder Band) oddly enough, I thought I deleted it because its a phone call, not a song.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Grace (Phil Wickham)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You are my hope (Skillet) have already determined the "person I like" is Jesus....

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stars (David Crowder Band) if you listen to this song, and know my self-appointed nickname as a kid was Starr... its getting eerie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
King of Glory (Josh Bates) enough said.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Song to the King (Pocket full of Rocks) AMEN!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where We Gonna Go From Here (Mat Kearney) Dave Ferguson would call this "What's Next?"

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Bow Down (Chris Tomlin) hey, that is not a bad secret, is it?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin) now how could they not be?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Arms of Love (Kutless) if that is the worse thing that could happen, falling into the arms of Jesus, I think I am set for life...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Everlasting God (Lincoln Brewster) strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord! So, I die waiting?

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Let Love In (Goo Goo Dolls) owning a song by the Goo Goo Dolls?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fuego de Dios (Fire Fall Down) ((Hillsong United)) yes, spanish cracks me up

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
If I have not Love (Matt Redmond) this is the most accurate meme ever!

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Praise Awaits You (Matt Redman) interesting, already married... so must be to Jesus.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Love the Lord (Lincoln Brewster) you know, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength....

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pure Light (Matt Redman) guess God does

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Uncreated One (Chris Tomlin) how do you change that?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Majesty (Matt Redman) this makes sense...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Much (Ten Shekel Shirt)

Gimme Words to Speak

Have so much I want to say, but no words with which to speak.

I love how life is completely different for me now than it was years ago.
I love how I am so smart, and I don't forget what I have learned when it comes down to it.

I love how I am starting to feel like an adult, accept feeling like an adult.
I love how I am able to accept responsibility, and respect, which I never have before.

I love watching people around me grow as a result of my influence on them.
I love watching people being drawn to God.

I love watching my husband live up to a sliver of his potential. I know he can shine, I know he does shine. Its wonderful.

This is only the beginning. Where do we go from here oh God?
Give me words to speak... let me go at your speed...

Aaron Shust – Give Me the Words to Speak
From the album Whispered And Shouted

Calloused and bruised/ dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes/ and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
I just don’t understand this life that I’ve been living
I just don’t understand (x2)
I just don’t understand these lies I’ve been believing
I just don’t understand (x2)

Just where have you been young lady?

When your throat starts to swell up, and your co-workers call you a little horse (you calling me a pony?) you decide to sleep in, and catch up on your sleep. It has worked so far. Sleep is very restorative, it helps me to fight off colds, and fend off ponies in your throat.

Now, I have to get back to all the stuff I was supposed to be doing, but didn't do.

I really needed a laugh

You have to watch all the way to the end.

Thank God for a sense of humor.

History in the making

Indeed this is history in the making. I won't divulge my vote, I don't think anyone needs to know that, and this has nothing to do with how I voted. I am blogging about my feelings. Please don't attack politics, because this is not about that.

I do believe that I shed a tear yesterday because of a memory. After listening to Obama's speech (I got home just in time to pop the TV on to the start of it) I shed a tear. My heart was flying back to my childhood.

I remember when I was a child, idealistic, and sure of myself. I knew something back then that came true last night. I remember thinking as a child "I am going to be alive when a black man is elected president... I wonder how old I will be?" Last night I said "dear little Shelley, you are 32 years old, and in 2009 what you wondered about will be the truth." Maybe it was Barack talking about the centurion voter, and all the changes she experienced in her lifetime, maybe it is just that I have always been a history buff, and this was history in the making. Maybe it is just because I came home from my support group and was in the mood to care for my inner child. I realized that I was experiencing history.

Yes, it was from my bed. I was not downtown Chicago, like so many others I will find out were. I am not insane enough to be drawn into a crowd that size, I could not handle it. I am perfectly content watching history on my TV, much like when we first bombed Iraq years ago. I like to observe, make my own conclusions, but am glad I am not right there at that very moment. Besides, I could see the look in his eyes, something that I am sure was very difficult to see in Grant Park last night through anything but... a tv monitor.

Funny, when I turned on the TV, Dave said "well I guess he won." It was not that important to us who won. Yes, we voted, no I am not telling you who for. What we know, what we believe, made it so that we were firm things would be okay. You see, God is sovereign. No matter who is elected, God will use him to serve God's purposes.

No matter who you voted for, pray for Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and all of our newly elected politicos that they may use their wisdom and experience and leadership for the good of our country, for the good of the world.

Welcome, boys and girls, to history in the making. Enjoy it.

How a week disappears

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: 0
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4


So the whole week I did nothing. Good.
Not so much.

I didn't do a thing.

I didn't exercise, I didn't watch my food.

I didn't journal at all. I didn't connect.

Someone told me they look up to me this week and I felt guilty.

And the sermon on the Holy Spirit just made me think more... about being in a relationship, walking with the Spirit. And I wanted it back.

God, I am not strong enough to do this on my own. Be with me, help me. I know you will, your Word says so. Help me to look to you, to walk with you.

You are constantly moving. What happens when I stand still. What happens when I don't move with you. I miss out.

You have something for me bigger than I can imagine. Help me to stop being a caterpillar. Help me to spread my wings and fly.

When I had just about given up...

Saturday was near disastrous for me. I was scared, I had looked at my future and took no consideration to my past. In other words, I was trying to plan ahead of God. All too often I tend to put the cart before the horse. Here I go, acting like Peter, I took my eyes off my Jesus and noticed the storm... and nearly drown.

I cried all the way to church. Dave was already there, and of course I was running late. Too late for the first service. Wearing my sunglasses and trying to ignore the people who wanted to greet me with love, I ran upstairs to the prayer room. I got down on my knees, burying myself into the soft cushion of the chair and cried, I cried hard. I cried out to God. I prayed, sat down on the floor to journal, pulling out a framed verse of scripture for inspiration. Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Then the Bible called to me. I looked where it was open to... Acts, no, not where God wants me to read. I looked at the two ribbon places. Somehow I ended up in Exodus, even though I have been reading it at home, it called to me here. 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

I gained peace and headed downstairs. Lots of people were there who wanted to say hi to me, who love me. Its all still quite fuzzy, but I remember moments of clarity. Pearl and Gigi, and then Shawn. Scott and Rich, Preston all needed to say hi. I got myself a frozen hot chocolate, and ended up having a conversation with Eric in front of the fireplace. I keep forgetting how he baptized me, and how we are quite similar. Every time we talk, I get a nugget of wisdom from him, confirmation of the Lord's word. He doesn't know me very well, but he knows my passion for leadership, and it helped us connect.

Service lets out, and there are tons of people to meet and greet. Robin came and told me how she reads my blog, and she loves it. It felt so awesome to know. I also remembered how far back her and I had gone, and how far both of us had come in that moment. How proud I am of her, and glad we still run into each other every once and a while. Her smile and hug and words were precious to me. Mike and Kimberly prayed with me, and it rocked.

I waited in anxious anticipation for Troy and Janet to be free. You see, they were up visiting from KC, and I have been following and supporting their church plant. I forgot I was actually wearing the Restore t-shirt under my hoodie. I was crying in happiness and sadness, trying to hold back tears, waiting to tell them how proud of them I was. Janet had words for me that made me remember why I do love her so much, she is a woman so close to God's heart, and oh how it blesses me.

I went into service, and saw Kathy, she is another awesome woman. Beth came and sat by me. I was surrounded by love, and then Shawn Williams came up and talked about Jesus. The service was written just for me. The moments of worship were just for me. I cried during Hosanna, (Lord save us we pray, I need a savior. Thanks to Bublitz for being a great leader and to Carrie for having the voice of an angel.) I can't help it if David Crowder songs always get me, but they do because they get me. They go deep into me with their words and intelligence and meaning. from wherever spring arrives, to heal the ground. from wherever searching comes the look itself, a taste of what we're looking for, so be quiet now, and wait. I left service with peace in my heart.

Dave told me later that he had TJ checking on me from his eye in the sky position. How romantic. We had a great evening downtown Naperville, good date night. You don't need details, except Ted's Montana Grill is a great place to get us a gift certificate if you need to know that.

Sunday we slept in. I woke up with sunshine and joy in my heart. Small group rocked, then we headed to the box to CONTRIBUTE by doing what I call "last impressions," tearing down the gym. It felt good to serve, I pumped up the iPod, danced and worshiped while stacking chairs. You should try it, really it's fun. Ask Dave, he's on the set-up/tear-down committee, he can hook you up. We went to dinner and then thanks to Dock, a haunted house. (www.hotelmassacre.com if you like those sort of things)

Today I was not going to post my weigh in. I was just going to say fu-git-a-but-it. Then I open my e-mail.

Hi Shelley!

Thought I'd get a VERY early jump on things this week. No change in my weight, but I guess that's a really good thing considering we had a tailgate this weekend! Of course, I still have a bit of that sinus cold which is making me not so hungry, but also preventing me from working out. So here's the stats:

Last week: 157lbs.
This week: 157 lbs.
Total weight lost: 36 lbs.

I'm making a mini goal at 153 lbs, for a total of 40 lbs lost. If I maintain at that, I'll be pretty happy. If I lose a little more (say 10 pounds more), hooray for me and I'll be the same weight I was in high school. But, for now, I'm happy fitting in the same pants/dress size!

Hope your week was at least as good as mine, if not better! Keep it up! I know you have A LOT of other things going on and it's hard to think about yourself. BUT, you can't possibly be happy with the world around you, if you are not taking care of yourself, so keep that in mind. Be good to your body and mind :) Remember, working out relieves stress too, so it's a good reason to go to the gym!

Love,
Tammy

That is when I realized that I am not supposed to give up. Nothing, nothing at all. God hasn't given up, my friends and family have not given up, so why should I? I should not give up on anything. Not the littlest thing. So I screwed up, so I doubted myself, my God, my cause, my ability...

Today I woke up, started walking to the bathroom and tripped on my pajama pants. I fell into the wall and sink. I got up, I iced my shoulder, picked up the stuff I knocked off the corner, and went on. I have a sore shoulder, and a broken plastic cup (I don't know how that happened) but I am okay. I got up and did my thing. I was clutzy, I fell, but I got back up again.

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: +1.9
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4

Realistic goal: get to the gym twice this week. That's it. Step by step, one day at a time.
The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm

Pharaoh, LET MY PEOPLE GO!

I feel too close to the story of Moses right now. Not the part where he was a baby in a basket on the Nile, or the part where he goes up a mountain and talks to God for the 10 commandments. No, I feel close to the in-between Moses. The Moses that God tells to go to Pharaoh and ask to let Israel leave town to worship.

Much like Moses, I don't want to do this. I really don't feel up to the task. I am not equipped for the job. I have no money, little skill, and Pharaoh scares me.

Yet God keeps telling Moses "don't worry, I am with you." So Moses proceeds. Then Pharaoh gets pissed, and Moses gets yelled at, but still God insists this is going to work out. God tells Moses he has hardened Pharaoh's heart, and that he should keep going to Pharaoh and asking him "Pharaoh, let my people go!" (You have to ask me to do the cheesy voice, its funny.)

Time after time, plague after plague hits Pharaoh and his heart is hardened. How many times must Moses keep this up, how much can Moses endure? How does Moses find the strength to do this?

God, be with me. I AM, be with me. Yahweh, be with me. Help me Lord, give me strength and courage. I know you are, but I really don't know if I am as strong as Moses. Lord please help me to endure. I am begging you on my knees Father God.

Maybe I am not standing before Pharaoh. Maybe I don't have to endure 10 plagues. It sure feels like it. I feel more like I am trapped between the Egyptian army and the Reed Sea, waiting for God to tell me to raise my staff and part the waters, for I see no other way out.

We need a miracle God.

Change my name, change my name

Beyonce Knowles, formerly of Destiny's Child "Say My Name" fame has decided to change her name. Okay, first of all the name "Beyonce" is equivalent to "Bootylicious." So with the release of her new album, Beyonce is saying "I am... Sasha Fierce." According to the article I read, Sasha Fierce is Beyonce's Naughty Girl alternative personality.

Why would one change her popular name? Or is it all just a promotional act by the record company? Maybe she is just a Beautiful Liar, or perhaps she just understands that R&B stars are not Irreplaceable.

Anyway, Beyonce is always been Jumpin' to me. Secretly I am a Beyonce/Destiny's Child fan. That Independent Woman can pay her Bills. She certainly is Foxxy.

Comfort-- reflections on SIN (the sermon of the week)

When things are down, we search for comfort. Some things that comfort us are good for us, while others may seem good at first but end up leading to discomfort later. For example, that quart of ice cream felt good going down, but now you have a belly ache and your pants are much tighter.

I have been one who looks for comfort in temporary things, things that do not last. The 2 seconds of bliss that are somehow supposed to overcome my hours of stress. Like that extra cookie is going to change the fact that people call you fat. Well, it tastes good.

God doesn't want us to look to anything but Him for comfort. God is a jealous God. He wants us to choose him first. He will provide everything else. The gifts God gives are good, lasting, helpful gifts. My husband is probably the best example of a great gift God has given me. But I have to be careful not to think that he is the answer to all of my problems, that would be putting Dave before God, making him an idol.

When we think of idols, we think of gold statues, or at least I do. But an idol is anything that you put before you that you worship. Worship being that you spend most of your time and effort working for it, thinking about it, and planning your life around it. It could be money, food, fashion, appearances, family, cars, a million different things. Most people's favorite idol to worship is themselves. Because they want to do what serves them, and they want God to serve them, not to serve God. Who made who? (break into cheezy AC/DC song)

Do you have a god that serves you? Or do you serve a god? Some people worship Master Card, ruler of their wallets and commander of their paychecks.

If you find yourself looking to things of the world to comfort you, as the end instead of the means, you are in for disappointment. Do you believe that life will get better if you could just have a BMW, or if you could just move into that new house in the better neighborhood? Or how about if you just get married, or divorced? God wants you to be happy where you are, he wants you to find comfort where you are, in the circumstances you have.

God has asked me recently "Am I enough for you?"

Really, it took me for a loop, because God should be enough for me. I should have enough with my husband, pets, home, car, job. That stuff is great, yet somehow I am always unsettled. If all of that got taken away, if I didn't get what I asked for, but had what I needed, would I be content? Think about it. Really, really think about it.

When I do, I know how my Father God has spoiled me. Not by stuff, but by love. The things I cherish are people, relationships, the things that God wants me to cherish. The things I desire are really means to an end, to accomplish the mission he has set me out to complete. I have a home, a car, a job, but they are not who I am. I am a servant of my God and his people. And when I find my self unsettled, upset about things, I have to stop myself.

What is it that is really bothering me? Money always bothers me, it always will. It is a necessary "evil" so to speak to live in this world. But am I going to serve the god of money, or make money to serve me? I really pray that I never serve money. Especially because they are all just things. Yes, I have memories, but they are all in my heart, they can come with me when I die. The things will not.

To quote Ortberg, when the game is over, all of the pieces go back into the box. We have all heard that you can't take it with you. In Matthew 6, verses 19 and 20, Jesus says "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

So when I find comfort in things on this Earth, I have to remember that God gave those things as a gift to me, to serve me, to serve him. I have to remember that the gift is not in the thing itself, but in the Giver.

I believe you are all I need, I believe you're my portion, I believe you're more than enough for me, Jesus you're all I need -excerpt from "The Healer" by Hillsong

Stress can be good?!! Monday Weigh IN

Last weigh-in weight: 247.9
Today's weight: 245.5
This weeks loss/gain: -2.4
Total weight lost: 32.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 5.5

Stress, yes that helps. Can't give you any other secrets for how I did it this week? I don't know how. I ate at the airport, at drive thrus and on the fly most of the week due to travels. Who knows, maybe I ate less, maybe its just a couple pounds? I felt like I gained because the way my pants fit, so I don't feel good.

I was going to exercise today, realized it was too late to go to gym and get back in time, then looked out the window and the rain started to fall. I have new work-out pants too!

I just found out my old friend from grade school lost 45 lbs and can run two miles (and he started in July), so I am super psyched to get on the treadmill and train for the 5k in the spring. I would love to step up my gym attendance, especially because of SAD kicking in, I need to be more vigilant.

Goal: 4-5 days at gym per week. Minimum 2 days on treadmill working up to running for 5k. I hope to meet this goal by Thanksgiving, and will twitter my workouts... twitters run on the right side of this blog for you non twitterers and show up as my facebook status for you facebookers.
By the way, I also want to lose the 5.5 by my first November weigh-in. I think I can, I think I can...

I just re-connected with a long lost friend via Facebook, and am super excited to find out what is going on in his life.

Keep praying for me, I need it. My mood wants to dive a lot lately, and I can use the support. Emails work well too.

Broken hearts put in the fire

God does keep his promises. Every thing the Bible says tells me that. Every fiber in my being tells me that. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord... thank you Lincoln Brewster. So many passages.... I visit Bible Gateway and it reads: Verse of the day:

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14

Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:9... so much more

Via Pastor Steven Furtick:

“…The god who answers by fire-he is God.”
1 Kings 18:24

What do you do when you really need rain, but instead, God answers by fire?

In 1 Kings 18, Elijah declares to the people that God is going to show up and prove himself after 3 years of drought. And God does exactly that.
But…
When it hasn’t rained in over 3 years, and you hear that God is about to show up, wouldn’t you expect him to show up by sending rain?

I wonder how many of us are praying for God to send rain into an area of our lives, but it seems like He’s turning up the heat instead?
-Praying for God’s provision…but the bank account continues to dip
-Praying for God to grow your church…but another disgruntled faction just took their tithe and moved their membership elsewhere
-Praying for God to heal your marriage…yet your husband seems to be getting colder and more resistant by the day

It can be difficult to trust the intention of God when He’s forecasting more fire in your already scorched situation.
Remember:
God eventually did send the rain that Israel so desperately needed. But first He had to reveal His glory and authenticate His sovereignty by fire.

God often answers by fire before He sends the rain.
The fire incinerates our altars of idolatry, and burns away all of the false securities that we tend to trust in.
That way, when the sky finally opens, and the rain starts to pour, there’s no doubt:
He is God.

Chewing on some stuff... deep stuff...

Obviously when you are going through stuff, you think a lot. I think that when I think, I get into trouble, so I decided to listen to others talk, hear what they think. I took advantage of some downtime to listen to some podcasts, which are sermons at other churches. (Right now I am checking out Gateway Church. John Burke, who wrote Soul Revolution-- the book about the 60-60 experiment, is a founding pastor there.) God is really talking to me, and wants me to realize a few things.

1. Its not about me. Its not about Dave, its not about anyone. Anyone but God. Its all about God, and what he is doing, and already has done. I should stop fussing about me, and listen to what God is doing.

2. God is already there, he is working now, ahead of me, he has been there before and to think that he would not be with me is ridiculous. I am not fighting this fight, God is. I am just showing up to be obedient.

3. God has to be enough for me. If I expect anymore than that, I am up for disappointment. It cannot be about the outcome. God has it under control. If I come back empty handed, I will be sad, really sad, but I cannot be mad. I have to be willing to come back empty handed. I have to be willing to lose everything.

Now I know that what I just wrote in number 3 made a few of you go "huh?" Let me elaborate in that life is not about things, and it is especially not about things that I cannot control. People are some of the things that I cannot control. God has a handle on them, I cannot change them. Life is about being connected to God, that just that connection is enough for me. Every good thing that comes out of my life has to flow out of that connection to God or it is useless.

That might have just not made sense to you, but I have an eternal view of life, not a short world view. Life on earth here is just the beginning, the "boot camp" for eternity.

So here I go, I am re-starting the 60-60 challenge. Today, right now. Beeping watch and all.
Interested? Join me.

Wherever the path may go. (God grant me the serenity)

Why should I freak out about life changes? I should know that I am going to be alright no matter what, God is on my side, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."(Romans 8:28)

It is because change is hard, and we are creatures of habit.

By this time next week, my future rests in the decision of one man. I am praying that God grant him the wisdom, and me the serenity. Keep praying for us all.

Mostly I worry about the one this is all about. You see it is not about me, it never is. I feel helpless, I cannot do much more. My cause is bigger than myself. I need to surrender, I need to pray..... I need to get ready for work.

Jesus, be with me, I need your peace.

Well, just so you know, I didn't forget to blog, okay I did.

I did weigh in. The weight was exactly the same, but I did not take time to blog on it. Thanks Tammy for ringing my bell. Just glad I didn't gain!

Most of you who know me know that a huge change is happening in my life and it is getting down to the wire. This is it, no turning back. My stomach is full of butterflies and in knots. I need help cleaning and organizing and getting ready, but mostly I just don't know what to do with myself until then. I work Thursday and Friday, will pay bills and then Saturday I start cleaning. Don't want to, but I am screaming on the inside. Seriously my heart is racing with anticipation.

I keep staring at the rock Beth gave me that says Peace. She gave it to me to remind me that when I lean on the Solid Rock (Jesus) then I will have peace... of course I just remember Troy singing that song... all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I found out another friend of mine is also a "New Thing" stalker, as we were both in a chat room at the same time. Well, I joke when I say stalker, but really, we just are excited about what is going on with The Church and believe that New Thing is right in the thick of it. So, we like to follow what is going on and we ended up watching some bonus webcasting. I got to watch DFerg on live webcast from Catalyst '08 in Atlanta, it was sweet. Some pastors were in the room, and I found it funny that plaid and spiked hair was a "must have" for church planters nation wide. Again, why do I love it, because I love what God is doing, and yes, church planting excites me. I would love to be in Atlanta, learning and listening to these great leaders. I wish I could go when Catalyst one day will be at Granger in Indiana, but I just can't justify the expense, time off, or the reason. Will I be involved in a church plant one day? I believe so, but not now. I suppose my heart is just getting ready? Perhaps its a part of the natural leadership progression.

One thing Dave said during the webcast was that he did not know why the culture worked at CCC. I can list at least five reasons. One, you get the chance to be a part of an epic story (building the Kingdom is EPIC). Two, you get opportunities that you would never get in the business world. You don't need a masters degree to be thought worthy of anything. Three, the love of Christ comes with every apprenticeship. Four, if you do it right (that is if you put forth the effort and follow the suggestions,) it is so awesome experience for you, growing closer to God and watching life change, that you want it to happen for as many people as possible, so you just have to apprentice people!

At first I was weary to make friends and then say goodbye, but when I find that it is not about me, its all about Jesus... and as a good friend says you have to lose your life to find it.

Well, I have gone on long enough... let me know if you want to join my stalkers club. Maybe I can get us some t-shirts.

I used to rule the world...

It used to be believed that the Sun revolved around the Earth. Aristotle believed it, it was in fact so much believed to be true that the Roman Catholic Church took it to be true and believed it to be supported by scripture. This is the Geocentric model of the universe. Galileo believed otherwise, and was kept under house arrest by the Roman Inquisition because of it. Heliocentrism is the belief that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Funny how what we once thought to be the truth, turns out to be one of the biggest jokes in the history of the world, like thinking the Earth is flat. America was "discovered" because Columbus refused to believe this fallacy.

Another fallacy most of us fall into believing is that life revolves around us. We see things going on in life and feel like we can change the world, or at least influence it by our own power. This is where I was stuck at. See, I thought that I could actually change people's minds, change their decisions. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. I have been doing this small group at Celebrate the Journey called "taking care of yourself" which is based on the book Co-dependent No More by Melody Beatty. It has opened my eyes to how much I really do try to "control" others.

What this morning's revelation revealed to me is that instead of asking God to help me, I should have been asking him how I could help him.

God is already working around us. Change is inevitable, and would happen even if we never existed. If God wants something to happen, it will happen with or without you, not because of you. But, God does want us to be a part of what he is doing. He does invite us into his work. The question is not can you do it, the question is do you want to be a part of it? When you decide to join God, humbly thank him for the opportunity to be a part of what he is doing. Thank you God for the privilege to be a small part of what you are doing.

Viva la Vida

Monday Weigh IN

Last weigh-in weight: 244.3
Today's weight: 247.9
This weeks loss/gain: +3.6
Total weight lost: 29.8
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.9

It appears as if this week went backwards. I didn't hit the gym since Monday and went out this weekend to eat, and got completely off track. I feel the weight gain in my belly the most.

I think it is because I am not taking care of myself, and making excuses for it. Excuses excuses excuses.

Yet I am taking care of myself, because I spent quality time with my husband (thus feeding my marriage.) I can't be SO hard on myself.

Yet, I know that it is so hard to NOT fall into old patterns here.

I just looked at my calendar. The week is clear so far. This means that I am going to hit the gym. No more late nights watching CSI or Law and Order and sleeping in. If I don't make the plans to do it, I won't do it. So, I am making plans.

I refuse to be lukewarm.

His plans are better than my plans

Sometimes I get so frustrated, because what I think is going on is what is not. Like I think I should talk to X about something, and it turns out that the whole point of me talking to X has nothing to do with that something, but everything to do with talking to X.

God is a relational God. He loves relationships, he created us for it. He sent his son for it. Yet, I am so silly to think that I don't need to have a relationship with X. No, God wants me to have a relationship with X, he wants me to heal that relationship, because that is what he is all about: Reconciliation.

Who am I to think that I know what God wants for me? I don't. I only know who God is, and it just seems that my intentions did not line up with his, and when that happens, God is going to line things up for me to see that, and act on it, and change my heart to line up with his. You see, when my will lines up with God's, I become unstoppable. I reflect his glory, and shine. I am tasty salt, YUM! If I love God, but don't love others, how much does that show that I love God when God loves them and wants me to love them?

Did I just confuse you?

Let me put it this way. If I say that I want to lose weight, but don't exercise and don't eat healthy, I am just talking. But, if I say it and follow it up with actions, it means I truly want it, believe it to be possible.

If I say I love God, but don't do the things that he loves, I am just talking, making a lot of useless noise. See 1 Corinthians 13.

I think the closer I get to God, the more I realize just how much further I need to go. But that's a good thing, don't get me wrong.

Acceptance

1. Denial- shock, numbness, panic, refusal to accept reality.
2. Anger- we may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us
3. Bargaining- trying to strike a deal with life, ourselves, another person, or God. This is an attempt to prevent the loss.
4. Depression- our bargain having not worked, we become exhausted and become terribly sad. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage begins when we humbly surrender, then we can begin the forgiveness process.
5. Acceptance- we are at peace with what is. We are free.

I am exhausted. This piece of grass is on my nose, and I can't get it off. I guess I am just going to have to accept that it is here, but it makes me sad. I can't change this. Only God can. I am glad for what is next, but that doesn't hurt any less. And there is so much more grass out there!!! What's a dog to do?

monday Weigh-IN

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 244.3
This weeks loss/gain: -1.2 (yeah!)
Total weight lost: 33.4
Weight to lose to NEW mini-goal(240): 4.3

A special thank you to my friend Paul who has been coming to the gym with me. Even if we don't workout together, its good not to go alone. Helps me to go!

I did a 5K today

I did the 5K walk for NAMI DuPage today. Thank you to all of my friends who supported me in prayer, thought, and the few who sent money for NAMI. I raised 75 bucks for the cause, so thank you!
It felt great to finish. My legs are killing me though from sciatica, but they were just fine for the walk! The weather was perfect!
Dave and I celebrated with breakfast at Butterfields. It was awesome.

Now off for the 5KK at work, just kidding.

Disciplines.... the RPMS model

Most people understand physical disciplines. They understand that you go to the gym, you eat healthy, you take showers. Sometimes, to work out harder, you change up your workout routine. You jog, or you choose fruit instead of fries. Your body needs to be taken care of to grow properly and to stay healthy. Most people do these things.

Most people don't understand spiritual disciplines. You see, in order to grow spiritually, or to stay spiritually healthy, one must practice spiritual disciplines. There are several things that you can do to "exercize" your spirit, or to keep your spirit "clean." If you are wondering why you just don't feel close to God, or why the spiritual things in your life seem thin, it might be because you are not practicing spiritual disciplines, keeping your spirit happy, healthy, and clean.

Just as there are fitness magazines, classes on healthy cooking, and different types of soaps and shampoos, there are different versions of the Bible, Bible study classes and small groups, and different types of churches. Each of these are designed to meet every different person's different needs. Some might be into weight lifting, and some into aerobics. Some might be into the Baptist church, and some might be Evangelical. Some just love to enjoy the outdoors by playing outside with their kids and running around in the yard as opposed to running marathons. Some love to read The Message as opposed to the King James version. Everyone is different, and you are going to have to decide what works for you.

I have to admit, I am way better at ignoring my disciplines rather than doing them. (For example, I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.) Some ignore one to do the other, like jogging in the morning instead of Bible reading and prayer. Some incorporate one with the other, like prayer while jogging. Some do nothing, like watching Judge Judy and eating a bag of chips.

What other disciplines are there? How about Relational and Mental? How are you improving your relationships and keeping them healthy? How are you working on your brain, challenging yourself to always be learning? I guarantee you that Judge Judy and a bag of chips is not doing that either.

This is what the culture at CCC calls the RPMS. (If we put it in the order I used, it would be SPRM, which is why I am sure the church uses the other one.) It helps to measure your velocity, or like the dial on a car, your RPMs... get it? It is a way that you can always be challenging yourself and each other to grow. So, how are you doing? Do you have someone holding you accountable to your goals and vision for yourself?

I have to admit, I have really let my partner down. First off, we haven't been meeting recently. That is going to change right now. Because I haven't had anyone but myself keeping me accountable, I have dropped down on my growth tremendously.

This 60-60 challenge is one of the spiritual disciplines I am doing, on top of reading my Bible and prayer. I am not journaling like I would like to, and feel overwhelmed often.

Physically I just have not been making it to the gym like I would like to, and my body feels it. Hello, read my Monday weigh-in posts.

Relationally, I have not been relating to much of anyone recently.

Mentally, I am not challenging myself like I should.

So, I figure if I am blogging about my physical stuff, why not the rest?

It is kind of like journaling, and I can type way faster than write things out.

One "seasonal" goal for me is to be a better employee. I want my attitude at work to change, because it sucks. Really, I do love my job, I love what I do. But my attitude has been sucked into the negatives, and that has got to stop. Am I doing what I can to be a "model" or "example" employee? HECK no. I need to start with a major attitude adjustment. I was just reading in 1 Peter about servants being the best servant, even when your master is the worst master. I am not saying my boss is bad, I am just saying I have been a servant with a really lousy attitude, and that reflects in my behavior.

Another "seasonal" goal for me is to improve my marriage. I plan on doing this by setting up two times a week I meet with my husband. One is for working, and one for playing. The working one will focus on growing our marriage, Bible study, communication study, etc. The playing one will be our "date" where we do something fun and get out of the house to help keep the romance alive.

Now that I have bored you to tears... I better go, don't want to be late to work on my first day of attitude adjustment!

monday Weigh-IN

Thanks Tam for the e-mail, while I might or might not have forgotten, your accountability is exactly what I need. So, here goes nothing....

Last weigh-in weight: 248.1
Today's weight: 245.5
This weeks loss/gain: -2.6
Total weight lost: 32.2
Weight to lose to NEW mini-goal(240): 5.5

I decided to add in the" this week" thing and post my exact mini goal weight, and make it a "mini" goal!
I had gotten to almost 40 lbs, and fell off the wagon, but I am back on track.
I also re-did some math using my original weight and found that I have lost more than I thought. My original weight was 277.7 at my first WW weigh in (oh that hurt to put) and I found my calculator disagreed with my blog,(so there.)

Now my challenge is to get to the gym, and be ready for my 5k THIS WEEKEND. Also not to read the headlines and worry about the depression headed to the US, but denial is my friend... right?

The sun does come up every day, even if I see it or not.

Introspective season. 60-60 day 19 update

I was hoping to do an update every 10 days, but seems that is not God's plan.

The last post I discussed feeling God's love.

This time, its all about me. How am I reflecting his love? I know that when I get busy, or I am hurting physically, I tend to look or sound pissed off. Why, because people have told me that I am. I admit that my facial expressions are not the best. I often say things because they are true without thinking about the look on my face.

One of my favorite Tree63 songs is "Joy" and it goes: Let me be a shining light for you, let me be a joy to you always....

I know that I love people, even more than I ever did before. I know that I reflect that when I am still. But it is when I am busy that I lose the intentionality of myself.

About oh, lets say a year ago or so, I read somewhere, something someone wrote on a blog or on a magazine article, or in a book "live life intentionally, not accidentally." Which has turned into a sort of "axiom" for me.

So, tell me if I am making a weird face at you. I am really trying to appear pleasant, but not fake. I am also watching the intonation of my voice. I know how often that can put me off with other people. Mostly, I am trying to watch my heart. I can get rushed, and stop being intentional, which is totally not what I want. I want to emit love in my voice. Especially at home. My husband is my first priority (after God of course), and I do tend to let my fences down around him because I am comfortable with him, and that could be our undoing. I know sometimes I am short with him and not because I mean to be. I love him more than anything in this world, and really want to continue to work on our marriage.

This growing thing is something that never stops. I am glad, because if I ever got stuck anywhere I have ever been, it would not be pretty. Thank God for second, third, fourth... continuing chances. Thank God for grace.

In order for me to be the leader God has called me to be, I have to start by leading myself. Its a constant process.

God grant me the SERENITY

I loved this prayer, even though I have avoided it for the longest time because it was a prayer for alcoholics, or so I thought. This prayer was not written for AA. Hmph. I did not know that. Now, of course, I have a completely different point of view on recovery, being a recovery leader.

Most people think that recovery is for drunks or addicts. You know, the guy on the street with a beard down to his belly and plastic bags over his shoes. Or that lady who comes into the grocery store to walk out with a cart full of wine... but not for me. Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing is ever for me. Things don't happen to me, they certainly don't happen in my neighborhood, and definitely not at my church or within my family. Yeah, right. Keep on living in denial.

Recovery is for people who are going through life and are having a rough time. The rough time could be a divorce, a death, sending your kids to college, getting married, moving, retiring, dealing with an illness (physical or mental), changes in the workplace, financial difficulties. Recovery is for anyone alive who is willing to make life better.

Me, I entered "recovery" when my depression worsened with my mother's terminal illness and death. I realized that I could not go through life alone, I was having a hard time making good, honest friends, and needed a place to go. (I realized I was powerless.)

I went to Celebrate the Journey. It wasn't easy. In fact, I left the first few times. But for some reason I kept coming back. Then I got more and more involved as my life started to change, and the ache started to go away. (Service speeds recovery.)

I am not saying I have it all together, I am not saying I still don't have aches. What I am saying is.... heck I need recovery more than ever. The deeper I dig into my hurts, the more I need support, the more I need accountability.

Because change is hard. It is so much easier to slip into my old habits than to change. Take my weigh in for example. Yes, it was a holiday, yes, I was out of town.... excuses excuses excuses.
Join us at Celebrate the Journey as we discuss the Serenity Prayer... Join me as I pray daily for serenity.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

So I didn't weigh in.
Shoot me.

Granted, I have a full stomach, here goes nothing. I know I gained, I am fatter.


Last weigh in weight: 242.7
Today's weight: 248.1
Total weight lost: 28.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal: 24.3

Looks like I have to visit my friend gym again.

60-60 Challenge: Day 10 musings

Check out the book on Amazon here. I posted about the 60-60 challenge after we got home, and I have to say the first few days had gone rather well. Then I hit this funk. The watch would beep and I was distracted. Oh yeah, I am supposed to think of God and then back to whatever it was. Then the guilt. I find that I am feeling guilty because I am not spending as much time as I want to with God.

Good news is that I am wanting to spend time with Him. And I am realizing how I have kept my work seperate a lot. When I get busy, I "don't have time" to spend with God. Oh, why now, I am busy God, call back later. Then something hit me today while driving to work.

Who is God, who is King? Quit trying to "force" God to serve you. You serve God. Get your a$$ off of that throne! You don't belong there. My new pal Lundie reminded me that God is in the room with me, and the beep is just to remind me of that. So, now I am feeling special, like God loves me.

God loves me so much that he wants a personal relationship with me. He knows I get busy, but he is always there. He is the omnipotent one, not me. He wants me to recognize that I am serving him in EVERYTHING I do. So, yes, sometimes I feel like a crummy servant.

Lord, I just want to be a willing servant. Just writing about you has filled my heart with the love you have for me. I am overwhelmed. I am not worthy. Yet you say that I am. Thank you Lord. Thank you Jesus.

Funny thing is, I forgot my watch today. I am constantly looking at the clock and thinking of Jesus, wondering if it has been an hour yet. I have not let even a half hour go by without thinking of God. I just want to be with him, I want him to be enough for me. Because lately, I have been slacking on my eating. Mindless eating. Peanut M&Ms eating... like half the bag before I make my husband hide it. I ate half a box of Wheat Thins the first night I brought them home. I wonder why my stomach aches!?!?

All of you, is more than enough for, all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, with you love, and all I have in you is more than enough. You are my supply my breath of life, still more awesome then I know. You are my reward worth living for. You're my sacrifice of greatest price, you're the coming king, you are everything.... still more awesome than I know.

I got excited because I realized I have 5 more of these "ten day weeks" left with God in the 60-60, so this will be fun. I know that God is stretching me, growing me, and working me awesomely. So much to pray for, so much to be thankful for.

If you wear it, they will laugh

It all started with Jason's post here. It was the end of July, and me having just signed up for the NAMI DuPage Walk for the Mind thought how great this story was. This t-shirt is not only funny (because it says balls) but anti-stigma for depression. I am so all about this. So I commented, jokingly, that I wanted one. Well, Jason said he had a few left, so he sent me one. I told himI would wear it to church! And here is the "ballsy" thing, I did. Above you see me in church, at our Welcome Table, (photos taken by our very own Amy) and in front of the Yellow Box with the infamous "balls tee." This was taken at the start of our 5pm service, so I did wear it at church, in service.

Yes, it did take me an entire month to get the photos on to the blog, life has been a bit busy, so you will have to cut me a break.

The best story for me was being concious of myself. Never before have I worn something that I wanted people to see and ask me about. But that meant everyone. Some people smiled, some made rude comments to others they were with. Some laughed to themselves. Some nerd named Eric thought I was just being wierd until I explained the story behind the shirt to him. (Truthfully, I still think he thought I was just being wierd.)

Most people were in good humor. Infact, I did continue to wear it on my date night with my husband. As we were leaving our favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse (hint for gift certificates,) this guy saw my shirt and busted up laughing, even pointing his finger at my shirt. It took everything I had just to keep walking and not do the same. Try explaining busting mental health stigma to a guy who had one too many beers while trying to be on a date... no thanks.

I just didn't have the "balls" to ask J. Ferg for a picture with him and me and the tee. It is a "New Thing" story, but I just couldn't do it!

I did promise to upload them to Facebook, and I am, as well as blogging about it... Thanks to Jason for the inspiration, you truly deserved your BVD award!

I will be wearing the Balls Tee for my 5K walk... there is still time to support me!

Welcome back to school

Not sure what to do this labor day weekend? Yearbook yourself. It is hilarious and just might take you back to the day, or your parent's day, or your grandparent's day. I know how much I look like my grandma now. Seriously, its sad.

What's also sad is how many of these hairstyles I have worn. Or how good I look in some of them. Like the fro! I so could have pulled that one off.... NOT!

Its quite possible that several of these could take the place of my senior photo. Infact, I think the second one is as close as it gets!

Ahh, will the wonders of the internet never cease!?!?

Congratulations Paul

Yesterday, Dave, Ed and myself had the honor of baptizing Paul into the family of Christ.

Welcome Paul.

See this post for when we almost first did it.

We did this at Celebrate the Journey. Thank you to all who came by to support Paul.

This makes the third baptism I have been a part of. My own, my husbands, and now Paul. It was exciting to be a part of it, but all of the glory goes to Jesus, who did all the work. We just showed up. Thanks Jesus.

Emmanuel

God With Us by Mercy Me

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

-Chorus-
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

This song has been our theme song since May. God wants Dave and me to know that He is with us, always.

So, I bought this book at the Leadership Summit by John Burke called Soul Revolution. It details a 60-60 experiment. Read all about it at SoulRevolution.net. Anyway, I got my husband to read it, and he really wanted to try it. So we went and bought some watches that beep every 60 minutes. (I love no sales tax in Oregon, gives me an excuse to shop.) My watch also keeps track of my golf score, so I guess I need to take up golf.

The point of the experiment is to see what happens when you live a life in constant contact with God. It makes you really conscious of God, and paying attention to His presence in your life. It makes you share even the dumbest details of your life with God. For example, I woke up and peed, then invited God to spend the day with me. Then I thought I guess God wants to be a part of everything in my life, including that. Because God is there, he knows everything, but he wants us to include him in everything. Its like God is in the room with you, but you don't include him, he feels left out. It breaks his heart. This 60-60 is supposed to help us be aware of him in the room, and include him in our lives.

My husband said, "this sounds life-changing" and change is always scary for him, but he wanted it. For once he wanted a change, a good change. This is awesome.

We almost didn't make it onto the airplane yesterday.

I checked into the kiosk 3 minutes late and it said that our reservations were canceled, and the lady on the phone said she could put us on a flight to San Francisco at 8pm. I got MAD. Really mad. I said "this is retarded!" She wanted to delay our coming home and charge us 125 bucks for changing flights! Deep inside, I knew I deserved it. We were late to the airport. 3 minutes is three minutes. I could go into how Dave's son didn't want us to leave, and the Oregon traffic, but in truth, we did not deserve to be on that airplane. The guy behind the counter got us boarding passes, and we raced through security only to find they hadn't even begun to board the flight.

Coming out of the bathroom, I cried. This is grace. Grace, undeserved favor. God showed us how even a tiny error from the "law" can keep us from home. In the Bible it says if you break even one of the laws in the tiniest bit, you break them all. The whole law is broken. That is why we need Jesus, that is why we need grace. I cried because we did not deserve to be on that flight. I cried because I did nothing good to deserve heaven. Yet God was with us, he sent his son Jesus who obeyed the law, and then suffered and died for us, so that we could be with him in heaven.

I cried on the plane. I cried because there is a little boy we were leaving behind who was going to have to go through a lot of pain. It was nothing that was his fault. None of this is his fault, yet he has to pay the price. I cried because I wish I could take all of that away. I cried because he wanted us to stay. I cried because I needed to cry. I cried because this is going to be the hardest year of his life and he has no idea. I cry because I have no idea what his mom is telling him. I cry because she tells him things that I cannot control, and I cry because she makes him codependent. I cry because ripping off the band-aid hurts no matter if you do it fast or slow. I cry because God is with me, with us. I cry because I don't deserve it. I cry because the little boy knows nothing about my Jesus, and his concept is so messed up because of his mom. I cry because so much of him is messed up because of his mom. I cry because God wants me to cry. He wants me to feel. He wants me to know that his heart is broken too. He wants me to know it is okay for me to cry.

I cried when I went the wrong way, not because I went the wrong way, but because I was praying I would not see any homeless kids hitchhiking on the highway, and I did. This area is so impoverished, this area is so hopeless. I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I can't. But, my Jesus can. No one should have to be homeless in the United States. Yet poverty is horrible. Unemployment is horrible. The school system is horrible. The health care system is horrible. Welcome to America, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Some people have Africa, the Phillipines, China.... I have America. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart.

Listen to "Girl America" by Mat Kearney. Try not to cry and/or rock out.

Try listening to God, and see how that changes your life. I dare you. Check out http://www.soulrevolution.net/

Email me, twitter me, facebook me, IM me, leave a comment, let me know how God is speaking to you.