When I had just about given up...

Saturday was near disastrous for me. I was scared, I had looked at my future and took no consideration to my past. In other words, I was trying to plan ahead of God. All too often I tend to put the cart before the horse. Here I go, acting like Peter, I took my eyes off my Jesus and noticed the storm... and nearly drown.

I cried all the way to church. Dave was already there, and of course I was running late. Too late for the first service. Wearing my sunglasses and trying to ignore the people who wanted to greet me with love, I ran upstairs to the prayer room. I got down on my knees, burying myself into the soft cushion of the chair and cried, I cried hard. I cried out to God. I prayed, sat down on the floor to journal, pulling out a framed verse of scripture for inspiration. Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Then the Bible called to me. I looked where it was open to... Acts, no, not where God wants me to read. I looked at the two ribbon places. Somehow I ended up in Exodus, even though I have been reading it at home, it called to me here. 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

I gained peace and headed downstairs. Lots of people were there who wanted to say hi to me, who love me. Its all still quite fuzzy, but I remember moments of clarity. Pearl and Gigi, and then Shawn. Scott and Rich, Preston all needed to say hi. I got myself a frozen hot chocolate, and ended up having a conversation with Eric in front of the fireplace. I keep forgetting how he baptized me, and how we are quite similar. Every time we talk, I get a nugget of wisdom from him, confirmation of the Lord's word. He doesn't know me very well, but he knows my passion for leadership, and it helped us connect.

Service lets out, and there are tons of people to meet and greet. Robin came and told me how she reads my blog, and she loves it. It felt so awesome to know. I also remembered how far back her and I had gone, and how far both of us had come in that moment. How proud I am of her, and glad we still run into each other every once and a while. Her smile and hug and words were precious to me. Mike and Kimberly prayed with me, and it rocked.

I waited in anxious anticipation for Troy and Janet to be free. You see, they were up visiting from KC, and I have been following and supporting their church plant. I forgot I was actually wearing the Restore t-shirt under my hoodie. I was crying in happiness and sadness, trying to hold back tears, waiting to tell them how proud of them I was. Janet had words for me that made me remember why I do love her so much, she is a woman so close to God's heart, and oh how it blesses me.

I went into service, and saw Kathy, she is another awesome woman. Beth came and sat by me. I was surrounded by love, and then Shawn Williams came up and talked about Jesus. The service was written just for me. The moments of worship were just for me. I cried during Hosanna, (Lord save us we pray, I need a savior. Thanks to Bublitz for being a great leader and to Carrie for having the voice of an angel.) I can't help it if David Crowder songs always get me, but they do because they get me. They go deep into me with their words and intelligence and meaning. from wherever spring arrives, to heal the ground. from wherever searching comes the look itself, a taste of what we're looking for, so be quiet now, and wait. I left service with peace in my heart.

Dave told me later that he had TJ checking on me from his eye in the sky position. How romantic. We had a great evening downtown Naperville, good date night. You don't need details, except Ted's Montana Grill is a great place to get us a gift certificate if you need to know that.

Sunday we slept in. I woke up with sunshine and joy in my heart. Small group rocked, then we headed to the box to CONTRIBUTE by doing what I call "last impressions," tearing down the gym. It felt good to serve, I pumped up the iPod, danced and worshiped while stacking chairs. You should try it, really it's fun. Ask Dave, he's on the set-up/tear-down committee, he can hook you up. We went to dinner and then thanks to Dock, a haunted house. (www.hotelmassacre.com if you like those sort of things)

Today I was not going to post my weigh in. I was just going to say fu-git-a-but-it. Then I open my e-mail.

Hi Shelley!

Thought I'd get a VERY early jump on things this week. No change in my weight, but I guess that's a really good thing considering we had a tailgate this weekend! Of course, I still have a bit of that sinus cold which is making me not so hungry, but also preventing me from working out. So here's the stats:

Last week: 157lbs.
This week: 157 lbs.
Total weight lost: 36 lbs.

I'm making a mini goal at 153 lbs, for a total of 40 lbs lost. If I maintain at that, I'll be pretty happy. If I lose a little more (say 10 pounds more), hooray for me and I'll be the same weight I was in high school. But, for now, I'm happy fitting in the same pants/dress size!

Hope your week was at least as good as mine, if not better! Keep it up! I know you have A LOT of other things going on and it's hard to think about yourself. BUT, you can't possibly be happy with the world around you, if you are not taking care of yourself, so keep that in mind. Be good to your body and mind :) Remember, working out relieves stress too, so it's a good reason to go to the gym!

Love,
Tammy

That is when I realized that I am not supposed to give up. Nothing, nothing at all. God hasn't given up, my friends and family have not given up, so why should I? I should not give up on anything. Not the littlest thing. So I screwed up, so I doubted myself, my God, my cause, my ability...

Today I woke up, started walking to the bathroom and tripped on my pajama pants. I fell into the wall and sink. I got up, I iced my shoulder, picked up the stuff I knocked off the corner, and went on. I have a sore shoulder, and a broken plastic cup (I don't know how that happened) but I am okay. I got up and did my thing. I was clutzy, I fell, but I got back up again.

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: +1.9
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4

Realistic goal: get to the gym twice this week. That's it. Step by step, one day at a time.
The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm

Pharaoh, LET MY PEOPLE GO!

I feel too close to the story of Moses right now. Not the part where he was a baby in a basket on the Nile, or the part where he goes up a mountain and talks to God for the 10 commandments. No, I feel close to the in-between Moses. The Moses that God tells to go to Pharaoh and ask to let Israel leave town to worship.

Much like Moses, I don't want to do this. I really don't feel up to the task. I am not equipped for the job. I have no money, little skill, and Pharaoh scares me.

Yet God keeps telling Moses "don't worry, I am with you." So Moses proceeds. Then Pharaoh gets pissed, and Moses gets yelled at, but still God insists this is going to work out. God tells Moses he has hardened Pharaoh's heart, and that he should keep going to Pharaoh and asking him "Pharaoh, let my people go!" (You have to ask me to do the cheesy voice, its funny.)

Time after time, plague after plague hits Pharaoh and his heart is hardened. How many times must Moses keep this up, how much can Moses endure? How does Moses find the strength to do this?

God, be with me. I AM, be with me. Yahweh, be with me. Help me Lord, give me strength and courage. I know you are, but I really don't know if I am as strong as Moses. Lord please help me to endure. I am begging you on my knees Father God.

Maybe I am not standing before Pharaoh. Maybe I don't have to endure 10 plagues. It sure feels like it. I feel more like I am trapped between the Egyptian army and the Reed Sea, waiting for God to tell me to raise my staff and part the waters, for I see no other way out.

We need a miracle God.

Change my name, change my name

Beyonce Knowles, formerly of Destiny's Child "Say My Name" fame has decided to change her name. Okay, first of all the name "Beyonce" is equivalent to "Bootylicious." So with the release of her new album, Beyonce is saying "I am... Sasha Fierce." According to the article I read, Sasha Fierce is Beyonce's Naughty Girl alternative personality.

Why would one change her popular name? Or is it all just a promotional act by the record company? Maybe she is just a Beautiful Liar, or perhaps she just understands that R&B stars are not Irreplaceable.

Anyway, Beyonce is always been Jumpin' to me. Secretly I am a Beyonce/Destiny's Child fan. That Independent Woman can pay her Bills. She certainly is Foxxy.

Comfort-- reflections on SIN (the sermon of the week)

When things are down, we search for comfort. Some things that comfort us are good for us, while others may seem good at first but end up leading to discomfort later. For example, that quart of ice cream felt good going down, but now you have a belly ache and your pants are much tighter.

I have been one who looks for comfort in temporary things, things that do not last. The 2 seconds of bliss that are somehow supposed to overcome my hours of stress. Like that extra cookie is going to change the fact that people call you fat. Well, it tastes good.

God doesn't want us to look to anything but Him for comfort. God is a jealous God. He wants us to choose him first. He will provide everything else. The gifts God gives are good, lasting, helpful gifts. My husband is probably the best example of a great gift God has given me. But I have to be careful not to think that he is the answer to all of my problems, that would be putting Dave before God, making him an idol.

When we think of idols, we think of gold statues, or at least I do. But an idol is anything that you put before you that you worship. Worship being that you spend most of your time and effort working for it, thinking about it, and planning your life around it. It could be money, food, fashion, appearances, family, cars, a million different things. Most people's favorite idol to worship is themselves. Because they want to do what serves them, and they want God to serve them, not to serve God. Who made who? (break into cheezy AC/DC song)

Do you have a god that serves you? Or do you serve a god? Some people worship Master Card, ruler of their wallets and commander of their paychecks.

If you find yourself looking to things of the world to comfort you, as the end instead of the means, you are in for disappointment. Do you believe that life will get better if you could just have a BMW, or if you could just move into that new house in the better neighborhood? Or how about if you just get married, or divorced? God wants you to be happy where you are, he wants you to find comfort where you are, in the circumstances you have.

God has asked me recently "Am I enough for you?"

Really, it took me for a loop, because God should be enough for me. I should have enough with my husband, pets, home, car, job. That stuff is great, yet somehow I am always unsettled. If all of that got taken away, if I didn't get what I asked for, but had what I needed, would I be content? Think about it. Really, really think about it.

When I do, I know how my Father God has spoiled me. Not by stuff, but by love. The things I cherish are people, relationships, the things that God wants me to cherish. The things I desire are really means to an end, to accomplish the mission he has set me out to complete. I have a home, a car, a job, but they are not who I am. I am a servant of my God and his people. And when I find my self unsettled, upset about things, I have to stop myself.

What is it that is really bothering me? Money always bothers me, it always will. It is a necessary "evil" so to speak to live in this world. But am I going to serve the god of money, or make money to serve me? I really pray that I never serve money. Especially because they are all just things. Yes, I have memories, but they are all in my heart, they can come with me when I die. The things will not.

To quote Ortberg, when the game is over, all of the pieces go back into the box. We have all heard that you can't take it with you. In Matthew 6, verses 19 and 20, Jesus says "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

So when I find comfort in things on this Earth, I have to remember that God gave those things as a gift to me, to serve me, to serve him. I have to remember that the gift is not in the thing itself, but in the Giver.

I believe you are all I need, I believe you're my portion, I believe you're more than enough for me, Jesus you're all I need -excerpt from "The Healer" by Hillsong

Stress can be good?!! Monday Weigh IN

Last weigh-in weight: 247.9
Today's weight: 245.5
This weeks loss/gain: -2.4
Total weight lost: 32.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 5.5

Stress, yes that helps. Can't give you any other secrets for how I did it this week? I don't know how. I ate at the airport, at drive thrus and on the fly most of the week due to travels. Who knows, maybe I ate less, maybe its just a couple pounds? I felt like I gained because the way my pants fit, so I don't feel good.

I was going to exercise today, realized it was too late to go to gym and get back in time, then looked out the window and the rain started to fall. I have new work-out pants too!

I just found out my old friend from grade school lost 45 lbs and can run two miles (and he started in July), so I am super psyched to get on the treadmill and train for the 5k in the spring. I would love to step up my gym attendance, especially because of SAD kicking in, I need to be more vigilant.

Goal: 4-5 days at gym per week. Minimum 2 days on treadmill working up to running for 5k. I hope to meet this goal by Thanksgiving, and will twitter my workouts... twitters run on the right side of this blog for you non twitterers and show up as my facebook status for you facebookers.
By the way, I also want to lose the 5.5 by my first November weigh-in. I think I can, I think I can...

I just re-connected with a long lost friend via Facebook, and am super excited to find out what is going on in his life.

Keep praying for me, I need it. My mood wants to dive a lot lately, and I can use the support. Emails work well too.

Broken hearts put in the fire

God does keep his promises. Every thing the Bible says tells me that. Every fiber in my being tells me that. Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord... thank you Lincoln Brewster. So many passages.... I visit Bible Gateway and it reads: Verse of the day:

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14

Deuteronomy 31:6, Joshua 1:9... so much more

Via Pastor Steven Furtick:

“…The god who answers by fire-he is God.”
1 Kings 18:24

What do you do when you really need rain, but instead, God answers by fire?

In 1 Kings 18, Elijah declares to the people that God is going to show up and prove himself after 3 years of drought. And God does exactly that.
But…
When it hasn’t rained in over 3 years, and you hear that God is about to show up, wouldn’t you expect him to show up by sending rain?

I wonder how many of us are praying for God to send rain into an area of our lives, but it seems like He’s turning up the heat instead?
-Praying for God’s provision…but the bank account continues to dip
-Praying for God to grow your church…but another disgruntled faction just took their tithe and moved their membership elsewhere
-Praying for God to heal your marriage…yet your husband seems to be getting colder and more resistant by the day

It can be difficult to trust the intention of God when He’s forecasting more fire in your already scorched situation.
Remember:
God eventually did send the rain that Israel so desperately needed. But first He had to reveal His glory and authenticate His sovereignty by fire.

God often answers by fire before He sends the rain.
The fire incinerates our altars of idolatry, and burns away all of the false securities that we tend to trust in.
That way, when the sky finally opens, and the rain starts to pour, there’s no doubt:
He is God.

Chewing on some stuff... deep stuff...

Obviously when you are going through stuff, you think a lot. I think that when I think, I get into trouble, so I decided to listen to others talk, hear what they think. I took advantage of some downtime to listen to some podcasts, which are sermons at other churches. (Right now I am checking out Gateway Church. John Burke, who wrote Soul Revolution-- the book about the 60-60 experiment, is a founding pastor there.) God is really talking to me, and wants me to realize a few things.

1. Its not about me. Its not about Dave, its not about anyone. Anyone but God. Its all about God, and what he is doing, and already has done. I should stop fussing about me, and listen to what God is doing.

2. God is already there, he is working now, ahead of me, he has been there before and to think that he would not be with me is ridiculous. I am not fighting this fight, God is. I am just showing up to be obedient.

3. God has to be enough for me. If I expect anymore than that, I am up for disappointment. It cannot be about the outcome. God has it under control. If I come back empty handed, I will be sad, really sad, but I cannot be mad. I have to be willing to come back empty handed. I have to be willing to lose everything.

Now I know that what I just wrote in number 3 made a few of you go "huh?" Let me elaborate in that life is not about things, and it is especially not about things that I cannot control. People are some of the things that I cannot control. God has a handle on them, I cannot change them. Life is about being connected to God, that just that connection is enough for me. Every good thing that comes out of my life has to flow out of that connection to God or it is useless.

That might have just not made sense to you, but I have an eternal view of life, not a short world view. Life on earth here is just the beginning, the "boot camp" for eternity.

So here I go, I am re-starting the 60-60 challenge. Today, right now. Beeping watch and all.
Interested? Join me.

Wherever the path may go. (God grant me the serenity)

Why should I freak out about life changes? I should know that I am going to be alright no matter what, God is on my side, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."(Romans 8:28)

It is because change is hard, and we are creatures of habit.

By this time next week, my future rests in the decision of one man. I am praying that God grant him the wisdom, and me the serenity. Keep praying for us all.

Mostly I worry about the one this is all about. You see it is not about me, it never is. I feel helpless, I cannot do much more. My cause is bigger than myself. I need to surrender, I need to pray..... I need to get ready for work.

Jesus, be with me, I need your peace.

Well, just so you know, I didn't forget to blog, okay I did.

I did weigh in. The weight was exactly the same, but I did not take time to blog on it. Thanks Tammy for ringing my bell. Just glad I didn't gain!

Most of you who know me know that a huge change is happening in my life and it is getting down to the wire. This is it, no turning back. My stomach is full of butterflies and in knots. I need help cleaning and organizing and getting ready, but mostly I just don't know what to do with myself until then. I work Thursday and Friday, will pay bills and then Saturday I start cleaning. Don't want to, but I am screaming on the inside. Seriously my heart is racing with anticipation.

I keep staring at the rock Beth gave me that says Peace. She gave it to me to remind me that when I lean on the Solid Rock (Jesus) then I will have peace... of course I just remember Troy singing that song... all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I found out another friend of mine is also a "New Thing" stalker, as we were both in a chat room at the same time. Well, I joke when I say stalker, but really, we just are excited about what is going on with The Church and believe that New Thing is right in the thick of it. So, we like to follow what is going on and we ended up watching some bonus webcasting. I got to watch DFerg on live webcast from Catalyst '08 in Atlanta, it was sweet. Some pastors were in the room, and I found it funny that plaid and spiked hair was a "must have" for church planters nation wide. Again, why do I love it, because I love what God is doing, and yes, church planting excites me. I would love to be in Atlanta, learning and listening to these great leaders. I wish I could go when Catalyst one day will be at Granger in Indiana, but I just can't justify the expense, time off, or the reason. Will I be involved in a church plant one day? I believe so, but not now. I suppose my heart is just getting ready? Perhaps its a part of the natural leadership progression.

One thing Dave said during the webcast was that he did not know why the culture worked at CCC. I can list at least five reasons. One, you get the chance to be a part of an epic story (building the Kingdom is EPIC). Two, you get opportunities that you would never get in the business world. You don't need a masters degree to be thought worthy of anything. Three, the love of Christ comes with every apprenticeship. Four, if you do it right (that is if you put forth the effort and follow the suggestions,) it is so awesome experience for you, growing closer to God and watching life change, that you want it to happen for as many people as possible, so you just have to apprentice people!

At first I was weary to make friends and then say goodbye, but when I find that it is not about me, its all about Jesus... and as a good friend says you have to lose your life to find it.

Well, I have gone on long enough... let me know if you want to join my stalkers club. Maybe I can get us some t-shirts.

I used to rule the world...

It used to be believed that the Sun revolved around the Earth. Aristotle believed it, it was in fact so much believed to be true that the Roman Catholic Church took it to be true and believed it to be supported by scripture. This is the Geocentric model of the universe. Galileo believed otherwise, and was kept under house arrest by the Roman Inquisition because of it. Heliocentrism is the belief that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Funny how what we once thought to be the truth, turns out to be one of the biggest jokes in the history of the world, like thinking the Earth is flat. America was "discovered" because Columbus refused to believe this fallacy.

Another fallacy most of us fall into believing is that life revolves around us. We see things going on in life and feel like we can change the world, or at least influence it by our own power. This is where I was stuck at. See, I thought that I could actually change people's minds, change their decisions. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. I have been doing this small group at Celebrate the Journey called "taking care of yourself" which is based on the book Co-dependent No More by Melody Beatty. It has opened my eyes to how much I really do try to "control" others.

What this morning's revelation revealed to me is that instead of asking God to help me, I should have been asking him how I could help him.

God is already working around us. Change is inevitable, and would happen even if we never existed. If God wants something to happen, it will happen with or without you, not because of you. But, God does want us to be a part of what he is doing. He does invite us into his work. The question is not can you do it, the question is do you want to be a part of it? When you decide to join God, humbly thank him for the opportunity to be a part of what he is doing. Thank you God for the privilege to be a small part of what you are doing.

Viva la Vida