Randomness at 4am ishness

My sister is on her way to jolly England, with a one day jaunt into France.

My friend Rachael is going to plant a church there.

I pray that God unites them somehow. Maybe that would be awesome.

I read The Shack, and it was an easy read. Interestingly enough, I fell asleep reading it. I was oddly at peace while reading, and don't know if I dreamed I was in the Shack too. Forget how some theology is wrong... its basically right, and explains God in a way most people can understand. It certainly won't throw anyone off. And I cried a few times. I cried during the parts that I needed to heal, and somehow accepted Mack's experience as my own.

I confess I am wanting lots of stuff right now. First a computer, then a phone. I can't even pay the bills I have, I must be nuts. It has nothing to do with things and everything to do with escaping.

Truth of the matter is I have no idea how I can afford what I already have.

And the trial is coming up.

And this is the hardest time of my life.

The next 6 months will likely be the most crucial part of my life.

I need God the most right now.

I need to reach out the most right now.

I don't know how to do that. This must be a start.

I am isolating, and going back to old patterns and it needs to stop.

Help me God, be with me. Help me friends, be my friends. I am new at this and need you to reach out to me because I cannot, or do not know how. And tears fall at 4am because even though I am tired I stay up.

It hurts to see his face because I miss him so. I get angry because there is nothing I can do but wait. And I want to take the pain away from him, but I can't. Nothing I do or say will ever change a thing. Who knows what he is going through. And, I miss being pregnant. I miss this expectation of a child. I can't look in the spare room cuz of all the baby stuff and I can't do anything but cry even though I should be doing dishes or laundry or dusting or vacuuming.

And it is wrapped around my heart tightly, pressing in, squeezing. That is where the tears come from.

So much brokenness. Thank God that God is in control.

Jesus I have no idea what you are doing, but you know what is best and I have to trust in you Lord.

Miracle on a Monday

You know, after all the time I spent writing about my Bible, I feel either embarrassed or completely overwhelmed by God's grace. You see, today as I was getting on my computer to look up the number for the restaurant, I looked over by my bed. Sitting on the end stand as if it had been there the whole time was none other than my Bible.

Immediately I think its a miracle. God brought my Bible back to me! Is it true? I don't remember taking it out of my bag and bringing it to my bed to read! Last I remember it was in my bag at church. I remember taking it out to read Isaiah 6:6 to a friend who burned her tongue on hot tea. Later, I took a bunch of stuff out at the restaurant to go over a list in my notebook with Dave. That is where I think I set the Bible off to the side. I have no recollection of taking it out of my bag and bringing it to bed.

So now, instead of staring at the screen, I am going to go away from here and curl up with my ole friend that I have missed so much over the past day.

Miracle or mindlessness? You make your call as to what you believe. As for me, nothing is impossible.

I lost my Bible!!!

I lost my Bible on Valentine's day.

But you see, it wasn't just a Bible, it was my Bible. My Bible had my markings, lines, highlights, hearts, notes. I could find some scripture that I wanted quickly, I knew that Bible like the back of my hand. Now, for those of you that know me, you know my Bible has gone lots of places with me. I am sure the restaurant where I last had it has it, I still have to call and find out.

I decided to buy a Bible that I could carry with me everywhere 3 years ago in February. This Bible was the perfect size and I could still read the letters without a magnifying glass or glasses. I had been reading this honking huge one, and to be honest, I did not enjoy carrying it with me everywhere. It was a great Bible, thanks Dad, but it was too big, too heavy. I was just getting into the Word, reading it a lot, journaling, and getting to know God. I had decided to follow Jesus, and buying this Bible was the first physical step for me. It was going to be one that I chose and could have near to me always.

I have spent time with my nose in that book at work, in bed, on my couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom (aka the library), on a plane, in the car, at doctor's offices, in church, at a courthouse waiting the trial that did not yet happen...

Losing my Bible, I feel like I lost a part of me. The Bible was not just a book, it was my friend, my comforter in times of stress.

Now, I have to have like over a dozen different Bibles around the house. I have the one my dad gave my mom when they were dating, I have the one I used in Jr High/High School, Dave's got tons including the Archeological Study Bible and the Apologetics Bible. He actually uses the Big Honker NLT mentioned above that I gave up in favor for the small one. Someone gave Dave a Catholic Action Bible, which is more for entertainment value than anything... that one is the largest. Next door in the spare room is at least the Superheroes Bible and the Rhyme Bible. My buddy Paul has my Message Remix.

But they aren't my Bible.

I know they are all the Word of God.

I just bought a friend the exact Bible I would have got if I were buying myself another one, well a study one. See I get distracted a lot by the footnotes, and spend too much time reading them, not enough time reading the actual Bible part.

So, pray for me. If it is God's will, I will get my friend back. If not, it's off to Family Christian to pick out a new one. I make the call tommorow.

It's not easy, but my it is good

It's time to tell my story...

again.

About one year ago, I wrote and gave my testimony at Celebrate the Journey.

I have a different story to tell now. A stronger story.

Pray for me to have the right words to say.

Idolatry, Holiness, and One Night Stands

Its funny how you think about somethings, and then read about them the next day.

Today I was reading how following other people, putting them above God is IDOL WORSHIP. Because the definition of idolatry is worshiping something created instead of the Creator.

Imagine walking into Home Depot, Menard's, or Lowe's and walking out with some wood. Say you come home and turn that wood into a statue. Then you take the statue and start talking to it, praying to it and worshiping it. Putting your faith in man is no better. God created it.

I'm at work (while we had some down time) reading, while my co-worker is reading a book by Chelsea Handler about her one night stands. Eventually she asks me "so, what you reading?" And I show her the cover and it reads "The Holiness of God." To which I answer, "pretty much the opposite of what you are reading." She goes "yeah."

I realized that my aspirations and dreams and goals and all of the things that I value in my life are completely opposite of most of the world. Here I am pondering the holiness of God while someone else is laughing at another woman's sexual exploits published for the world to read.

Oh how far I have come.

God, save us all.

I long to get close to you, know you more.

Meanwhile, at the topsecret blog

So, I have this top secret blog. Well, it was top secret in that only myself and my husband knew about it until yesterday. It was top secret in that I decided to start a blog to journal through my thoughts feelings and prayers relating to the calling I heard from God.

You see, I almost forgot about it, until I read something for my woman's Bible study group.

I mentioned and tagged the author of the book, giving her full credit. This morning she commented on my blog. Awesome. How flattering is it? I think just as flattered as she was that her book influenced me.

You see, when I really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that we are just two chicks who really did Jesus and got inspired by God. And our paths crossed. She and I are not better than each other.

Dave the hubby brought it up how people tend to worship the leader instead of God or a god. I tend to agree. Now, I constantly am joking about Dave Ferguson.... but its a joke. Yes, Dave is anointed and hears from God constantly. He is a brilliant man, but I don't worship him. I worship who he worships. I love him because of his passion for the Kingdom. I love him for his obedience to and his communion with the Lord. I don't think he has any special powers, I think he just uses more gifts from God than most people use. He is special, but I don't see him and fall on my knees.

Have you gotten to where you think someone is better because they are in the spotlight? An actor or actress? The only major difference between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and my husband and myself is that the whole world recognizes them. In actuality, I believe we have a better chance at success because Dave and I are not in the spotlight. Or how about a doctor, teacher, pastor, group leader?

I used to get caught up in worshiping the person verses the cause. But I got older, wiser, and frankly Tom Cruise put out some goofy movies I couldn't watch. That was before the whole couch incident.

We all have gifts and talents, God gave you some. Find out what it is... then, get your feet wet.

Thanks Jen.

Some more random things about me

30. I met Bo Jackson at a Sox convention that my friend Chris dragged me to. The whole excruciating experience and the long, long lines were worth it when Bo told me I have a beautiful smile. Bo knows ladies too.

31. I once was stranded in Mexico with no money. True story. Friday before we were supposed to leave, I went on a horseback ride. About half way home my horse (whose name was slang for "coke-head") decided to go into a gallop and being an inexperienced horse woman, I was not ready and fell off. When we got back to the ranch, my bag was missing. My bag had among other things: my room key, my last 50 pesos, and my ID! The airport would not let me fly back to O'Hare fearing a huge fine. The rest is another story for another day.

32. The very first crush I remember having was on Kenny Rodgers. When I found out he had plastic surgery and saw the results, I was very, very sad.

33. I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 1/2 years. We were engaged, and passed the wedding date, thank God.

34. I cried more when I lost my following May-September romance. That really broke my heart.

35. I have bit my nails as long as I can remember. My parents tried everything short of removing my hands to get me to stop. I still bite them, especially in the movies.

36. I have been a Cubs fan since I can remember and had a crush on/my favorite player was Ryne Sandberg. It wasn't until many years later that I found out my whole family are Sox fans, and we only watched Cub games while I was growing up because they were on TV. I am the black sheep in my family!

37. I hate Christmas movies, especially Its a Wonderful Life. No, I won't ever change my mind.

38. I have old matchbox cars that were handed down to me by a friend my parents had when growing up. I used to think they were so cool, now I am not sure if I should sell them or keep them for any future kids.

39. I never ever thought that the place I would most want to be on a Saturday night is a church, but it is! I love being at the Yellow Box and "doing church"! I spent 5+ hours at church Saturday night and still had to come back Sunday so I could attend service!

40. I find it easier to give things and love away than to accept things and love. Working on that.

41. I missed coffee, beer, and wine when I was pregnant, but mostly coffee. The upside to a miscarriage is you can have all three way sooner than you thought!

42. Legalists have kept me "away" from God for a long time. Yet the closer I get to Him, the more I want to obey Him. I try to remember this when I minister to others.

43. I was a smoker for many years, and the abnoxious non-smokers made me NOT want to quit. I try to remember this when walking past smokers outside.

44. If money were no object, I would buy a great camera, a great computer, and great programs to edit. Also likely video as well. I love photography, and while I would never make money doing it, I enjoy it. I like to find the beauty in people in things.

45. I am truly torn, I want/need a new computer (Mac) for me and (PC) my husband, a Tivo type device, and wi-fi for our new laptops. But, I don't want to add to our debt, and with a court case ongoing, I don't see anyway we can do this. That and I am trying to store treasures in heaven, chase the Almighty, not the almighty dolla'.

46. I found out that the house I was considering buying is back on the market but there is no way we could make enough money selling this place to move. I want to live closer to the Box, but I think God is keeping me here for a while on purpose.

47. How come the sermon series is about money just when money issues start attacking me? God, thanks for reminding me what is important! Actually Dave says the sermon always relates to his life. He has asked that he be warned if they are ever preaching on murder.

48. My dream is to one day be debt free and actually live within budget while still being able to give money/things away to people who have less. With this court case, it seems like it will be decades before we pay off the money we owe.