Kindred Spirit

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a kindred spirit as: "an individual with the same beliefs, attitudes or feelings as oneself."

It is rare in your life to come upon such a person where you just click.  I have found her.  Someone else who thinks the way I do, who gets me.  I also know we share many similar doubts, insecurities and fears.  


Really we have bonded instantly, and I appreciate how she just loves that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  We also share the love of Anne of Green Gables.  I fell in love with Anne with an e immediately as a teenage girl.  We both have the oft forgotten "e" in our names as well as being characters.  


While my friend and I aren't Diane and Anne, we certainly bonded like they did.  There is something about finding companionship with another person that accepts your faults and understands your behavior. Now, this isn't to say that I have romantic feelings or anything of the sort.  But I feel free to express my love and gratitude to her in word and deed without ridicule.  Slowly but surely something inside of me is being healed in a way that words no longer serve as well as the tears of joy in my eyes.


And for my first dear kindred spirit: alatsatmse :)

Not turning back

I am finally giving up an old friend.  Her name was Icanseerightthroughyou.  If I just baffled you, its because that was my screen name.  Back from the old Yahoo days of yore, and I dragged her into  googleland.  But alas, I have given her up for dead.  I am getting rid of the old email address bit by bit I am killing her off, and I am not turning back.

I decided to do that if I didn't get this job I interviewed for.

I had read that employers don't take you seriously with a weird email address.  Also, most folks thought that I was psychic or something.  Some even say "I love that song!" (never heard it).  I am also getting embarrassed when I have to tell others what it is.

Honestly, I will likely transfer to a Wordpress blog since Blogger won't let me transfer the sign in email account.  Be on the lookout for a feed change yet again my friends.

I have really changed in the past 5 years.  People I knew and hung out with 5 years ago don't really know me very well now.  But I am getting to know the real me more and more every day.  I don't have it all anywhere near figured out, but I sure know where I am going... and I am not turning back.

Proceed as if

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Some people might think I am nuts when I say I have heard from the Lord.  I truly believe that God has told me to pursue custody of Jeramy, and we won.  It was a long hard battle.  We got rainbows and songs on the radio and words of encouragement and truth when we needed, and we hobbled along.  Oh how I leaned on Isaiah.  It was more like God carried us.

Which is how it has been today.  The impossible is now possible.  We proceeded as if ... and it did.  God came through in a big way.  We applied for the apartment knowing that we couldn't come up with the money on our own.  God provided.

We will be a family, together.  Will will be away from abuse and fear.  We will have shelter.

And I won't take this lightly.  I plan on using this home the way God wants me to. As a family we are going to be intentional ambassadors to the community, and to invite people into our home, and into our lives.  It won't be easy, but its bound to be fun, and its certain to be good.

I feel like our family has a chance at our future.  Its all happening, and its all God.  I acted in faith and He met me.  I am floored.  Thanks Lord, words seem insufficient. You rock!

The Lord is at hand

When certain things happen, you know someone is behind it, right? That certain smell of your favorite dish can only mean that someone special is cooking it.  I really don't think I am just being handed a line of hooey when I tell you that God is working hard in my life right now, and I can tell.  The Lord is at hand.  He always has been, but its as if I didn't have a receiver installed properly.

I was reading Bonhoffer and he was extrapolating about discipleship, and being called.  There is always an act of faith that changes you from who you were into who you are that leads to following Jesus.  In other words, you are totally changed if you say yes to physically following God.  I read it out to myself, and I went downstairs and read it to Dave.  We are being called, we have been called, and our going and stepping out in faith will only be rewarded by God meeting us there, and changing us completely.

Today in church we heard about being a new creation.  The world and my inner voice tell me I am worthless but that is not what God says.  He says I am a beautiful creation, and serve a very good purpose.  He has me where I am for a reason, and its not always easy, but its easy to see.  I am a sent ambassador of the Lord, Creator of Heaven and Earth.  Its really a fantastic honor.  Funny thing is, I have been thinking about living intentionally like this for a while, and its just today that it gets mentioned in a sermon so plain as day.

This thread is present in the Bible, in my heart by the Holy Spirit, and in the core nature of those who follow Christ to be an ambassador.  It defines Christianity.  Unfortunately, many Christians act more like tourists than ambassadors.  Some even give the cheif a bad name by their actions.  Do that not realize that they are a personal representative of the Most High God? 

Don't worry, I forget sometimes too.  I forget a lot.

I want to change.  I want to be a butterfly, not a caterpillar, and definitely not stuck in this ratty ole cocoon. 

So here is yet another physical milestone approaching, and we move.  We move without assurance we can afford to, but with knowledge that God said he would provide.  He is doing so, we just get so overwhelmed as bills fall behind and debt piles up.  And the Lord is at hand when I walk into church, telling me "its gonna be alright!" and then launching into just what he has put in my heart.  Just to remind me.

God says, "Shelley, get your eyes off the storm and onto me.  I won't let you drown.  Take my hand, easy now, its going to be alright.  We've got some work cut out for us, I can't wait to get started."

Yep, that's my Jesus.  Yep he's got a robe and sandals, but he is the most awesome man I know.  He defeated death and conquered the grave - just so that we could have a relationship and I could know Him more!  I love how he romances me.  Have no fear, the Lord is at hand.

Blood on the ground

I have been reading Flags of our Fathers about the infamous picture taken on Iwo Jima.  Tonight I read about the assault on the island, the whole part.  It was the most costly American campaign the whole war.  Death was inescapable, bodies were everywhere, and rest was hard to come by.

Yet when I laid down, I started thinking about the incident that got me fired, and the circumstances around it.  I found myself thinking of how I would have handled my questioning had the nerves not gotten the better of me.  Hind sight is 20/20 and after being delved into the Marine mindset, so many thoughts have gone through my head.

There are memories in my mind that fill me with angst.  Thinking of the hospital gets my heart racing.  I loved that place and gave it my all, it was my home.  I was trained there, and had many friends throughout the hospital. My mom died there, and the hospital screwed up and skipped her autopsy.  All I got was an apology.  I tried to let it go, make myself better because of it.  Still the ache of betrayal is in the back of my mind.  There is always pain associated with death, and to this day "her" room haunted me.  Knowing its where she died, I eyed its window often in passing.  I spent too many hours in that room.  I slept on the floor.

There were people that I worked with that hated me.  I don't know why, other than I got on their nerves.  People are threatened by me because-- I wish I knew. I think its because I have a confidence about myself that ticks them off. I could care less about how they look, but rather I care more about how they are. Some people were just looking to protect their own skin.  Some actually thrived on destroying others.  I didn't like the people that I could see through.  They were as deep as a kiddie pool, and their loyalties ebbed and flowed with the changing of the moon.  They were like the devil, a smile on their face and a knife in their hand behind their back. 

There were those that used me, those that were just other pawns, and those that were loyal tried and true.  Most everyone fell somewhere in between.  I knew I was a gossip item, and I tried to ignore it all.  My life after all begs to ask the question "where are the hidden cameras?" because you can't make up fiction this good here folks.

I was dedicated.  Sure, God and family came first, but after that was my career.  I was proud.  I was the best there was, when I wanted to be.  I could get any image if it could be gotten.  I had compassion for my patients such that I would cry either on shift or later at home for some of them.  I prayed for many that never knew it.  Each patient was family to me.

I sit here in the dark at 2am with tears rolling down my eyes.  My sister told me that being fired from a job is like a bad break up.  In retrospect, I saw it coming, but at the time I was blindsided.  The lady that complained about me worked with me and held up my lead apron to protect me because it fell down when I was pushing the imaging plate down.  We had camaraderie.  I hated her pain, I couldn't take it away.  I would bear it for her if I could.  I told her so.  My partner just stood there in silence like always.  Passive but willing to assist. 

Later he was too feared for his own job to testify to the unemployment referee as to my behavior in the room.  Things are bad I keep hearing from others.  I really don't hear too much.  I am almost afraid to.  Its like when you get out of an abusive relationship you don't want to go back.  Like I want to know how my ex is having a jolly good time without me, I don't.  I want to hear how miserable they are without me.  I was called once, and it was only out of respect for my supervisor I answered the question.  Anyone else would have told them to shove it.

So now I live in semi-denial.  I pretend that I don't ever have to take an x-ray again because right now the thought of it pains me so dearly.  In all reality, I don't.  I can resign myself to giving up my special power, and go on in the world as if the past 10+ years of my life was all a bad dream.  I'm damn good, perhaps too damn good.  The job prospects are horrible.  I don't want to work pm or midnights, and I want to stay out of the city.  I worked long enough to have a cush job in a clinic with no holidays, right?  Turns out there are no jobs.  Nothing with benefits, unless I go into the city.  The part time hours posted out there honestly suck so much I would rather work at McDonald's. Not that anyone ever calls anyway.  This ideal job came up in Nashville- and then the flooding happened and they never called me back. 

Its like I can go on with life now that the war is over.  Or can I?  Why am I lying awake when normally I can't stay up past midnight anymore?  Its like PTSD.  I am so traumatized, I must be drawing on this pain to relate to the Marines on Iwo Jima.  Not that it could ever come close to comparing, because it never will.  I feel like I lived a whole different life back then, and this is now, and its time to move on... so why does it still hurt me?

I don't know.  I do know that I just had to write about it.  Give me flack if you will, but I never mentioned anyone's names, not even the hospital's.  Its my life, and I ain't takin' this post down - so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.  See, I know that someone is going to complain, they always did... the infamous "they." 

So now its all just memories slowly fading out.  The pain of betrayal is likely the strongest thing that remains.  Not anyone in particular, just this entity which I loved and worked hard for, and in all honesty could care less about me.  I am just a number, someone who was paid too much and worked too many hours.  Someone they could easily hack off with the least resistance, like an unneeded mole.  Perhaps that is what truly hurts.  Knowing that you put some ointment on it, and a band aid, in a few weeks no one will even remember you were there.  Except me, the mole.  Shriveled up and dried out, cut off from what fed me.  Removed from the body that I enjoyed being a part of. 

What will fill this hole?  Another job? Forgiving myself, my former co-workers? Perhaps if that stump of a mole was really a seed.  Then when this seed gets planted, who knows what might sprout up? What fruit it will bear?  Perhaps then it will forget it was just an off-cast, when it is busy growing and producing fruit.  How does a cut off mole turn into a seed?  Well if it was your imagination, you could do with it what you wanted too.  This is all a giant metaphor.  No longer is the hurt useless, and while I was useless there, I will be useful, fruitful even, elsewhere.  Make sense now?

Will the tree bear the scars from battle?  Or will the body bear the scar from the mole removed?  Only time will tell.  Right now its all too fresh, too much blood still on the ground. 

Giving up the goat

I have had a lot of things to lose recently.  Things I need to get rid of and leave behind me, things that need to be consumed in the fire.  Pride is of course the first thing I struggled with.  Its funny how you can think you don't suffer from pride, until that becomes your pride.  I was prideful, and as you know, pride comes before the fall.  Oh, I tripped right on that pride.  I had many things to be prideful of, and one by one, I had to look them in the face and watch them slip away.

My job, my home, my husband's job, my security, my provision, my power, my plans, my ideas, my strength, my, my my. 

I have been surrounded instead by His power, His grace, His provision, His security, His shelter, His love, His strength, His plans.

When I think about how stubborn I truly was I thought of the phrase "giving up the goat" and so I googled it.  Turns out that phrase is incorrect, a misquote of "giving up the ghost" meaning: to die.  Hmmph.  Yes, that's exactly what this is.  Its putting myself on that cross, dying to myself, and putting Him on the throne.  Oh, and being incorrect about it for a long time.

I was so stubborn, it took 30 years before I let Jesus deep into my heart.  Then it took me another 4 before I truly got it.  Want to know how I got it?  He took it all away.  Now, this is not something that I wasn't warned about, and a lot of it was in choices I made, jumping ahead of the game and following my will instead of his.  Where I am is a combination of my will fighting against God's will, and Him making all things work together for my good.  It is truly a process.

Perhaps the biggest lie that the devil could convince a Christian is that being a Christian makes life easy.  Jesus is the answer, yes, but the right answer is never easy.  There is no magic pill that makes me look like Christie Brinkley.  There is no money tree that gives me everything I want.

What I have found is that God provides what I need, and I cannot ask for more.  Sometimes I can't see how, and I have no hope, and at the last minute he comes through.  All things I need appear at just the right time, much like when Abraham brought Isaac up the mountain.  Surely a ram was provided sparing the boy from his death, and perhaps this is the goat we must give up.  If we give up this goat, we save ourselves from certain death.

I trust you God.  Help me with my untrust.

A Hawk to hang on to

A Red tailed hawk came to visit me the other day.  

Things haven't been going the way I want recently, but they still have been going, and I have never been in need.  I ended up spending more than I had over the weekend.  Good news, because it was a holiday weekend, some of it didn't post yet and I ended up with a check that covered it, written out of my bank, so the funds transferred immediately!  I was pulling out of the bank drive thru when a hawk came and landed in the parking lot right next to me.  Now, this is less than 10 feet away, and its the closest I have ever been to a hawk without bars between us.  I felt brave and stared into its eyes, and it stared back.

Now perhaps I need to go back a bit and explain what birds mean to me.  They didn't used to mean much, but one day I was feeling pretty down, and I was praying to God, asking him, begging him to show me that he loved me, something to let me know he cared.  Then, at a busy corner in broad daylight, an owl landed right as I approached to turn left.  Now, first of all the chances of any bird landing right on the curb of a busy corner are slim, but an owl in bright daylight?  Almost impossible.  I knew it had to be God.  Ever since, when I needed reassurance, and bird would appear at just the right time and remind me.  God is watching, God loves me, God is in control.

Fast forward back to Tuesday and the crazy stress in my life.  The hawk stared back at me, as if to say "pay attention now, I am here, and I know you see me."  The hawk then proceeded to stretch out its wings and its tail.  It wasn't a quick flap, but a full and wide stretch, showing me its beauty, its strength, its glory.  God spoke to my heart: I am here, I am close, I am watching you.  I am strong, I am stretching my wings of protection over you, you are safe.  I love you.

Now I don't hear an audible voice when I hear from God.  Its just like that inside voice that you hear when you are talking to yourself, like an inner knowing.  

When I got home, I got some hard news. I bawled like a baby.  I didn't want to go on anymore to be honest.  But I remembered that Hawk, and I knew that God was in control and it was going to be okay.  It was if He came to tell me that I am going to be hitting a rough patch in my life, and its going to be hard BUT He will be with me and I will be okay.

I feel like a fool for needing the reminding, but God knows me, and that's okay with him.  

Your Love Never Fails (Jesus Culture)

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

Suburban Nomads

My husband and I were joking today.  He said he didn't like to feel like such a wanderer.  I said that if the Isrealites wandered a desert before they found a home for 40 years and then had to fight for it, we aren't doing too bad.  We haven't made any golden calves yet.  We haven't had to rely on Manna, although it feels like it.

As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again.  Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on.  God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet.  This time it will be a good 15 miles for us.  For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college).  Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.

We will be closer to our friends and church.  The schools will be great.  The neighborhood is great.  I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality.  I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do.  But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.

I am truly embracing God's love for me right now.  I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there.  God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy.  But oh its good.

Hanging on the bottom rung

I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker.  She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down.  For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.

I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for.  I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this.  I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself.  He was the only good thing left in me.  I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God.  The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears.  Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.

Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again.  I devoured the text.  Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives.  I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked.  Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.

He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will.  God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own.  "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24  God destroys everything you put before him.  He warned me he would.  He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him.  I was in denial, oh I denied it.  I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry.  At last I was just empty.  Nothing.  Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.

I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears.  Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing.  She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us.  She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found.  Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation.  We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation.  We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64)  I understood that, I was there.


Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:

"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom.  The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year.  I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed.  With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating.  I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it.  Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong.  It is the nature of the beast."  pp 64-65

I was not alone.  I was not alone in my pain.  Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.

There is HOPE.  She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom.  I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung.  Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God.  I wasn't so lucky.  God had to get me fired.  He knew I would never leave.

I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots.  The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon.  What was next for them, they did not know.  Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)

I am in this tunnel of chaos.  But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.

Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book.  I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you.  Thank you for being my muse Jen.  Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will.  God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.

We'll leave the light on - shining some insight in Luke 8

If you are reading this on Facebook, type in the verses in Bible Gateway to read along, or grab your Bible.  Or you can go to my original post and click the links in there to read the Bible passages along with the blog.  Its pretty deep, and if you want to understand it, you should read the Bible along with this post... Thanks.  

Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18. 

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed.  Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.

Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives.  We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark.  It's never too late to come over.  In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house.  A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.

I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see.  I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.

This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc.  Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find.  The next is the personal level.  See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp.  I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever.  I am laid out, open.  Everything.  First and foremost to God, secondly to the world.  I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in.  I am to be shining, and bright.  This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached.  This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom.  I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.

I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives.  I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others.  Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.

Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."  This means so much and yet so little.  Yet I get it.  I hope to anyway.  What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us? 

See, I think in parables.  I get it now.  I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories.  Its how I understand life.  It is how I live.  To me, I get what Jesus says.

Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away.  Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed.  My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from.  But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.

I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.

I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again.  And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have.  You know why?  I don't have a thing.  I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God.  Without Him, I am lost.  Without Jesus I have no hope.  God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own.  So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away.  I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King.  For He provides all I need.

Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before.  And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from.  And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them.  Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus.  Amen.

I may have been born on Venus, but I was raised on Mars

When I was in my early 20s, John Grey and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was all the rage.  At least they were in my house.  My mom and dad were going through counseling, so I in effect was getting the crumbs.  I read at least 3 or 4 Mars/Venus books that my mom bought.  I have to admit, it really helped me to understand men a bit more.  But to be honest, it did nothing but confuse me as to what a woman was.  I am still working on that definition.  I related a lot to Martian ways and thought that I was not truly Venetian.

The marriage book that is the rage right now is Love and Respect by Eggerichs I think.  It says women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected.  Its more complicated than that, but you need to read the book if you want more.  Anyhow, I tend to be really good at loving and really bad at respect.  I am working on it.  Yet I learned how much I myself desire respect.  I really have found I crave it more than I dish it out.

Its important for me to respect my husband, I understand that.  I also admit it is what I need to work on more.  I am finding right now that I need more respect that I ever thought.  I wonder if right now it is because I am unemployed.  Or maybe its because I was/am the main breadwinner in the house.  I am just starting to explore this area, and am putting it out there.  Thinking openly and wondering if I was born on Venus, but raised on Mars.

You see, I know that my mother rarely respected my father, and she demanded a lot of respect from him.  Yet it left her desperate, because all she really wanted was love.  The less my dad got respect, the harder it became for him to love her.  I watched as my mother's last gift to my father was love and forgiveness.  She loved that man desperately.  I don't know if my dad truly ever understood how broken she was, and how truly broken he was.  I don't know if he ever accepted that.  But I do know that I don't want to live my life like that.

I want to respect my husband, and I want him to love me.  Maybe I need to quit demanding respect and start handing it out.  Perhaps I need to go back to Venus school.  Perhaps I need to go back to Jesus school, who took off his cloak, got down on the floor and washed his disciples' feet.  Help me Jesus, to be more like you, and be the last.  For in dying I will find how to truly live.

Funny how the Kingdom works different than the World. 

Digging around - Luke 8 reflections

If you read my last post, you might remember how my friend challenged me to read Luke 8 every day.  I have been, despite being tired as all get-out and thinking of how boring and repetitive it is, I have read Luke 8 every day.  Today, I started out in the middle of Luke 8, as I had put my bookmark there for some reason.  It helped me, because I started out with the story of the possessed man and the pigs that jumped over a cliff.  Luke 8 has so much in it, so it was nice to kind of start off there and then come back to the beginning later. 

How many times have I read the parable of the sower?  (Luke 8:1-15) How often do I know that I need good soil? See I have read this passage a million times, but to what level have I "gotten" this passage?  One may never truly know.  I do know however, that I hit a realization today about the passage.  Perhaps its because I haven't spent much of my life paying attention to gardening, or farming, or anything of the sort.  People in this neighborhood where I live pay landscapers that come in pickup trucks during the day while they are at work to do the magic for them.  Perhaps I had always thought that was a magic process myself.

At this house, there is no landscape fairy.  My dad and his wife mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water and fertilize, etc.  My whole family helped out with the mulch, as my dad had rented a wood chipper and did away with all the branches from a tree he cut down in the back yard.  I pulled weeds in the front, I have mowed the lawn.  This stuff takes work.  And it keeps growing back.  If you don't watch it, the yard will be full of weeds, the little plastic barriers that keep the grass in the grass and the wood chips in the wood chips comes up, and the plants will take over your yard.  Mowing the back yard it takes several attempts to get around the bushes that want to slice your skin open while you mow the grass underneath.  The earth is moving, and rocks and other barriers fall over, become loose and need re-adjustment.

I have vague memories of helping my parents in our backyard garden as a child.  I know we had one, my grandmother had one, and my aunt had one.  We grew cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and corn.  My grandmother grew beans that I loved to pick off the vine and eat.  My favorite memory is probably feeling the wet mud between my toes, which later was hosed off- kids are not afraid to get dirty. The food from the garden was so good and delicious.  It was even more so because we worked for it.  We tended the garden, pulling weeds and making sure it had fertilizer and water.  My dad had this monster machine that tilled the ground under every year.  It was huge in comparison to my child body, and we had to stay far away. It was a monster, consuming the soil and working it hard.  This garden took work.

Why am I to think that my "soil" doesn't require work in order to produce fruit?  The thing that makes my soil the 4th soil in the parable is how much work I put into this soil.  Some people will always be gravel roads.  They go to work, watch tv, have a beer, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day.  They aren't very deep, and it shows.  They don't have many weeds, but they don't have much fruit either.  They keep their grass mowed tight to the ground, letting nothing and no one in. The fence on this land is tall and topped with barbed wire.  Maybe even electrified.  Some people are deep, but they have so many weeds in their life.  Years of depleted soil inherited from generations of bad gardening.  They can't tell a good plant from a bad plant.  The roots are so entangled, and they continue to think that the problem is the good plant, not the weeds that take over their lives.  There is no fence on this land.  Those are some extremes.

What is my yard supposed to look like?  Well, there is a fence, but also a gate.  Regular weeding, watering, and fertilizing happens.  This means I need to fertilize with the Word of God.  Water with Living Water.  Erect boundaries and pull things in my life that might take vital nutrients away from my tree of life.  I desire to bear fruit.  I need to let the Master Gardener come in.  He does much of the work, but I need to work with him, listen to him and do what he says in order to have everything aesthetically pleasing but also full of life and nutrients, producing much fruit.

Do you see what I see?  Are you hearing what I hear?  I need to work for God's landscaping company.  I need to dig around and work my soil.  I need to contribute to this, if I don't then someone else will.  And the seeds will be snatched before they have a chance to take root.  This life isn't easy, its hard work.  Its very hard grueling work at times.  But once I have the groundwork laid out and a routine in place, its not so bad.  Every once and a while I have to rotate my crops, or take a fallow season.  Sometimes I have to burn the whole place down so that everything can grow up stronger and more resilient.  It kills the undergrowth and gives the good things a chance to really shine.  I am going to have to break a sweat, I just can't sit back and watch it happen.  This isn't a movie or novel, this is life.  This is my garden.  What do you see?

Love is...

Don't let anyone ever say that people who have depression are just trying to get attention.  Don't you know that people who have depression are trying to disappear and would love nothing less than to be ignored.  They need attention, don't get me wrong, but everyone does.  I need attention, I need love. 

I am broken, I learned wrong what love was.  I wasn't shown how to act when I needed love.  I didn't dare ask after a while out of fear I would be disappointed.  I learned to run to the wrong things, the wrong people because I needed love.  Heck, I started smoking in high school because I saw a community that hung out and all got along and talked, and I needed that so badly.

I can't remember something specific that happened to me, but I do remember my grandmother hung up on my sister when she called her late at night and scared.  My sister reached out for help, love and protection, and instead got yelled at.  In my life, I often saw examples of being shown hate when asked for love.  Oh it wasn't always intentional.  It comes from generations of brokenness.

How do I stop the madness? (Without conjuring up an image of Susan Powter in my head?)

Its a choice.  I don't always make the right choices, but I know better, and I deserve better.  Slowly, but surely I am figuring it out.  Its a "one day at a time" process.  It involves asking for help, or reaching out when I need love, from good people who can love me.  That is probably one of the very best things about getting involved at my church, is getting to know wonderful people who are all working on it, and we lean on each other.  Of course we all look to Christ as the source, but it sure helps when we remind each other.

One of those things that I need is Truth.  A good friend told me to focus this week, and so I am to read only Luke 8 for my Bible time, read it every day and journal about what I learn.

I also let my son know that I want to love him always, and asked him how I can let him know I love him.  (Quality Time is his love language)... and I am off to spend time with him.

The cost of being a disciple- already paid

Oswald Chambers tells me today that the work has already been done; "that the men and women He is going to use in His mighty building enterprises are those in whom He has done everything...Our Lord implies that the only men and women He will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately and devotedly beyond any of the closest ties on earth."

See Luke 14:25-35.

I will admit it, I am not the best at picking up my cross daily.  Sometimes, I like to wield that cross as a weapon, sometimes I bury it, and sometimes I wear it like a badge.

But you see, I know that God has already counted the cost.  He knew that I would mess up, heck the whole Bible is filled with stories of people messing up and God coming to the rescue.  Jesus is the ultimate rescue, the ultimate answer, the cost that has already been paid.

And its out of remembering this- remembering Jesus- that I am able to "pick up my cross" and follow Him.  You see, I am not tasty salt without Jesus.  I can't do the work, Jesus already did it, He counted the cost and followed all the way through.  I could not do that, so without Jesus, I would be thrown on the manure pile.  True dat. 

Jesus requires the work we do involves loving him, having a relationship with him, understanding that HE ALREADY DID THE WORK, IS ALREADY DOING THE WORK, AND ALREADY IS GOING TO DO THE WORK.  The term for this is "provenience." 

I get overwhelmed often, really sometimes I wonder how I can handle it all.  Picking up my cross for me is going to be trusting and understanding that the bill has already been paid, the work has already been done.  This helps me to love Him more and be less selfish, this makes me salty.  This takes me one step off the manure pile.

Jesus thank you for doing all the work, you are my rock.  Help me stay anchored to you always, no matter how strong the winds may blow.

Feeling pursued, in a good way

God for certain has been after my heart.  I cannot deny this.  What he seeks is nothing but the best for me, and I need to give up all of my ideas of what that means.  I need to cast aside any image I may hold of my Lord and let him show me his face.

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that.  Well for me it has anyway.  I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day.  Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey. 

The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles.  Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.

My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it.  Its kind of funny how God works like that.  I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings.  I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me.  It can only be the Holy Spirit.

Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me.  And I mean by this the life that is truly life.  I mean by this the life that God intended for me.  I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.

God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.

I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me.  What's next Abba?  Where are we going together Lord?

And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me.  The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good.  Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.

My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed.  Now I value things that I cannot lose.  My God meets me there, and I am so grateful.  He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing. 

Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me.  Peace rules.  Jesus rules.

its kind of funny....

Yesterday, after I posted "Funny Thing" I read my Bible.  I am reading "The Voice" version for a fresh look at the Gospels.

In Luke 7, Jesus is eating dinner at Simon the Pharisee's home.  In walks a woman of ill-repute and cries at his feet, washing his feet with her tears, kissing them and and pours a very expensive perfumed oil on his feet.  Jesus then asks Simon who would be more appreciative, the one forgiven a small debt or great debt.  Simon doesn't even have to think- its obvious the one who was forgiven more.  Jesus says "good answer."

Now Jesus turns around so He's facing the woman, although He is still speaking to Simon.
Jesus: Do you see this woman here?  Its kind of funny.  I entered your home, and you didn't provide a basin of water so I could wash the road dust from my feet.  You didn't give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome.  You didn't offer me the common courtesy of oil to brighten my face.  But this woman has wet my feet with her own tears and washed them with her own hair.  She hasn't stopped kissing my feet since I came in.  And she has applied perfumed oil to my feet.  This woman has been forgiven much, and she is showing much love.  But the person who has shown little love has shown how little forgiveness he has received.
(to the woman) Your sins are forgiven.
Simon and friends (muttering among themselves): Who does this guy think he is? He has the audacity to claim the authority to forgive sins?
Jesus (to the woman):  Your faith has liberated you.  Go in peace.

So after just having written Funny Thing, I was caught by that phrase "Its kind of funny."  Now italics indicate an implied meaning in the Voice- like the translation is not literal, but it is what it would have meant in the original greek or hebrew.  They do this so the reader does not have to use footnotes.  I love it. 

I set the book down, and turned to my husband and said "I'm in love with another man more than you and His name is Jesus."  You see, its kind of funny how you have to lose your life to find it again.  Its kind of funny how the least shall be the greatest.  Its kind of funny how a baby boy was laid in a wooden feeding trough at the beginning of his life, and laid on a wooden cross at the end.  Both for the world to know God.  How our God loves us so much that he took the first step because he knows how darn stubborn we are.

Its kind of funny, how I can smell the earthy smell of Jesus' feet.  See as my tears hit his dirt stained skin.  Watch my long, beautiful prized hair get soaked in mud.  Taste the earthy warmth as I kiss those feet.  Smell the perfume as it hits his feet and the smell permeates the room.  Listen as Jesus sharply tells off the pharisee.  No man has ever stood up for me before like this.  Truly He is who he says he is.  Feel the forgiveness that God has granted.  Feel the the liberation when Jesus speaks to me.  "Your sins are forgiven.  Your faith has liberated you, go in peace." Not caring as I leave the house knowing that my Savior loves me, despite all of the pharisees' eyes burning holes in my back.  Walking, no - running to tell my friends what has just happened.  Changing my life because now I am free, now I am loved. 

Let me ask you something.  Have you ever been there? 

That is grace. 

I will never forget the feeling - or at least I pray that I never do. 

Its kind of funny, I never thought that the smell of feet and dirt would remind me of my Savior.  Now I will never be the same.

Funny thing

Today I jumped back in the saddle.  I served at church.  I had called a hiatus for a few months, and many of you may remember me taking a step back for a season.

Funny thing is that now I have lost my home and job, I am free to return to serve.  I am able to spend quality time with my family, and grow. 

Funny thing happens when you have nothing to rely on but God, you realize that God is enough.  Surely Corrie Ten-Boom realized that in the concentration camps.  I think it really hit me while watching a movie about the Holocaust just how lucky I have it.  Even losing my job and my home, I don't have to run in fear for my life, defending myself and my family against even my fellow camp members.  I am more free right now than I have been in a very long time.

I believe I dreaded losing things more than I treasured my life. I have more than I ever needed right now.  Thanks Jesus.

Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

Losing your job can be good

Yesterday was a den meeting for Jeramy's cub scouts.  I thank God for people who can put up with 8 rambunctious 8 year old boys.  I helped to keep them in line, I admit.  I am an authoritarian mom, and don't like it when they run all over the place.  Especially near a busy street corner.  On the way back, one of the moms struck up a conversation with me.  She re-introduced herself as horrible with names.  I of course am the same way, so we automatically have two things in common, scout mom and bad with names.  She mentioned she has only really seen my husband this whole time at the scout outings.  I told her that I recently lost my job, and I worked the evening shift.

Her response "That's great! Now you can be a part of these things!" I wonder if she was longing for a younger mom to hang out with or just realized how awesome it is when you can be involved in your kids activities.  "It's just the right time of year, too.  As the weather just keeps getting better."  FINALLY my heart celebrated.  Yes, someone who didn't feel sorry for me, but who felt excited for me!  I instantly liked her tons more. 

I brought this up to my husband, while we were driving alone (Jeramy wanted to ride with the other boys) and he agreed.  He told me that since I lost my job, things were tight, and we had a different set of problems, but I was a whole lot less stressed out.  I totally agreed.

Now I am settled into somewhat of a routine, its time to mix it up again.  Actually add some things that are productive and not time wasting.  Goals: service, study, spewing.  (I had to make it 3 Ss.) Service will be where I help out, either around here or with my aunt who could use a young person around the house.  Study is spending time with God, reading the Bible and self-improvement.  Spewing is writing.  I want  to start working on what my book might be, maybe just start spewing and run with it.  Of course I need to put in a few applications every week, I think finding jobs is the hardest part.  I won't apply for something I wouldn't actually work at, like a city job or a night job.  Also I would like to meet with a school counselor to figure out what it would look like if I went back to college.  Exploring several career tracks...

Help me out, if you will.  What do you think I would be good at doing?

The world is full of possibilities and I am more free than I have been in a long time.

Call me out - please!

Today I got something that I love- I got called out.  It was horribly true and confrontational, but for my benefit.  See, true real friends want me to grow, and not be stuck.  I love it.  I love my friend for what she said.  She isn't one for blogs, so when I write one I want to share, I have to cut and paste in email to her.  She nailed major issues on the head here.  So I want to ask you to read what she wrote, and be changed.  I want to not to burn out or fade away, but to shine on.

Don't be a shooting star on this one Shelley.
If I can be brutally honest here ( you know I will be because you are tough and you can take it and you also know that I love you)

You habit is to be a big shot - but just out of the gate.
Then you fizzle out. You need to KEEP STANDING if you know what I mean.
Look if you have a cause-FIGHT FOR IT
If you want to start and group- THEN STAY WITH IT TIL THE END
If you are writing a book - THEN WRITE IT TIL THE WORDS THE END ARE WRITTEN

Leaders don't just "start things" they see them through. They are people of honor ( hopefully) and I know the best leaders are transparent. They are the same on Sunday at church and on Friday nights. No one is surprised to hear that they are a Christian.-if there is surprise- then somethin aint right.
We are studying  "Sin in the Mirror" and it has been tough to swallow.

Taking my own inventory (ONCE AGAIN Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr)  There is always work to do on myself. So I will continue in Gods grace and mercy.

I never want to be the person that says one thing- and does something completely different! NOT EVER!

Be mindful Shelley that people are always watching you because you claim to be an ambassador of Jesus- I will be so bold to say ACT LIKE IT
You are the daughter of the KING -----ACT LIKE IT
We can give lip service and we can talk the talk- that is easy
Walking the walk however....another story

At the end of the day ask God to show you where you gave lip service or where you pleased Him and hear Him.
Just letting you know that God WILL show you and it will hurt for a while.....
just sayin...............
Been tough on me too....
join me on that challenge will ya?

I love you and believe in you Shelley Egeland

Yes, I am joining in on this challenge.  I am asking people to hold me accountable because like she said I also do not want to be the person who says one thing and does another.  Help me, pray for me, and join me if you will.  

Hakuna Matata- it means no worries

I was seeking answers, I knocked and the door opened.

I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace.  Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words.  I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else.  Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head.  I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.

How can I explain it? I cannot.  All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him.  I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me.  So, why worry?  Hakuna Matata my friends.  Okay, not quite.  Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles.  Is it going to be okay? Yes.  I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.

Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time.  Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam.  Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men.  In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move.  The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them.  So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him.  I think he was looking for a conversation as well.  Or "networking" as they call it in business circles.  We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always.  I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor.  I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through.  And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will.  He told me that I encouraged him.  It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?"  He said to me "you should listen to God's people."

I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal.  If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down.  But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths.  My hope lies in things eternal;  love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.

Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.

I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)

1. Write a book.  There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel.  There might be several books.
2. Discipleship.  Do it, work on it, commit to it.  I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House.  I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family. 

This is where I am called and to what.  Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.

Help for all you guys- what a woman REALLY wants

If I had a nickel for every time a guy friend asked me what it is the gal really wants, I would be retired.  One of my favorite authors, Donald Miller has just edited and re-released one of my favorite books ever.  Originally entitled To Own a Dragon, it has been updated and re-titled Father Fiction.  It goes into reflections on growing up without a father, and the life lessons he missed out on, and things he learned about.

I love Don's style, he writes as if we were sitting in his living room drinking coffee and talking.  I really get inside the guy's head, which satiates my inquisitive mind. If you grew up without a dad, with an absentee dad, an alcoholic dad, or a less than perfect dad- this book is for you.

Today Don included an excerpt from his book on his blog, and I just have to share it, because its good.  This will help all my guy friends, and maybe even a few gal friends to pin down just what that thing is they need.

Every girl is different, but what I learned over a long period of time was that women are essentially attracted to confidence and mystery. I don’t mean to sound like a guy who is helping you pick up chicks. Please don’t think that. But I want to save some of you from floundering around.Girls don’t want a weak guy. People are insecure already, so they don’t want you to be insecure, too. Intuitively, they know they have eggs inside them that, eventually, are going to become little children, and they are looking for a mate who can provide for them and their eggs. If you go begging for love, they intuit that something is wrong, something is weak, and you won’t be able to take care of their eggs. Instead, you are just acting like another egg that they are going to have to nurture. And if they do like you they have their own issues and you don’t want any part of it. You don’t need another mommy. You need a wife.
What I am not saying, though, is that you should act confident. Don’t act confident, be confident. And you can’t be confident by looking in a mirror and telling yourself you are confident. Take a break from dating for a while. Seriously, you have other work to do. Instead, take up a hobby and get good at it. Start playing the guitar or a sport. Get good at something and improve your self-esteem. Once you’ve gained confidence, you can start thinking about a woman.
And they also like mystery. But it’s not really mystery they like, it’s strength. Girls don’t want you calling them all the time. They don’t want to be your rescuer. If you call them all the time or let them know you are thinking about them all the time, you are going to turn them off. The truth is, you should already have a full life you are invested in, and you should invite them into that life. My friend John Eldredge says you should be on an adventure, and you should invite them into that adventure. A girl doesn’t really want you to stare into her eyes like a lovesick puppy (at least not for long); she wants you to put your arms around her and stare into the horizon, to the place you are going together. So before focusing on the girl, go find an adventure, a calling, something you can do and get good at, something that makes money to provide for kids. The girl will come along pretty easily after that.
Some girls don’t find these things attractive but I think most girls do.
Here’s another thing that it took me a long time to understand. And it’s going to hurt. But I have to say it. Human attraction is conditional. Now, once you get married, you are committing to love your wife or husband unconditionally. But even then, attraction remains conditional. Guys, if you get weak, your wife may stay with you, but chances are she’s not going to be very attracted to you. Understanding what it is your mate is attracted to, be it strength or beauty, and giving that to them is a way of serving them. If you refuse to take responsibility for your life and expect your mate to still be attracted to you, it’s going to be a long, hard journey. Self pity is unattractive.

So, go buy his book, or any of his books for that matter.  This guy has been inspiration beyond words, and I look forward to watching his impact on my story unfold.

Living like its Saturday

I think most Christians live life on Saturday, I mean, they knew Jesus, saw the miracles he performed, but then on Friday he was crucified.  We forget that Sunday happened.  We forget the open grave.  We forget the resurrection, we forget Jesus lives.  Easter becomes about a bunny and chocolate and jelly beans, not an empty grave. 

When bad things happen, or things we consider to be bad happen, do we turn from our God, forgetting how in 3 days Jesus defeated death and became our resurrected Lord? So often we take the opinion that its the end, that the story is over. 

But when you begin to live your life like its Sunday, instead of Saturday, you have a new outlook on things.  Death and endings are just the beginning, and there are so many new opportunities for a brand new start.

I just lost my job in March.  Honestly, it took me a while to get to the place where I was okay with it.  I was living a few days in Friday mentality, then quite some time in Saturday.  I didn't feel anymore, just lost my hope.  But, I look to my God and know that he has something spectacular planned for me.  I know that every single time I trust in him, I am not disappointed, he blows my mind. Sunday comes, and the grave is empty.  Jesus lives! 

Last year, we brought home Jeramy to be a part of the family, this year I don't know what the empty grave really means, but I know it is going to be awesome, and nothing that I could imagine.  God always has something planned that we can't imagine.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, his ways are higher than my ways.  So now, my Saturday takes on a whole different meaning than it used to.  Before, it was dead, but now it is alive.  Instead of dread and disappointment, Saturday holds anticipation for me of what Sunday might bring.

Which Saturday do you live in?  The one where there is no hope?  I want to invite you to take this Saturday to open your heart and your mind to the idea that something miraculous is about to happen.  Something you can't even fathom the height or depth of the impact on your life.  Trust in the ONE who defeated death.  Trust that what God may remove from your life he only means to replace with something way more better.

Jesus was awesome- but if he didn't leave, defeat death, he couldn't send his Holy Spirit to fill us. Thanks God for Friday, Saturday, but especially for Sunday.

Happy Easter.

I need EASTER

I need Easter this year more than ever before. 

I need to remember that Jesus didn't just die on the cross for my sins and it ends there.  I need to remember that he rose again, and defeated death.  The life I lead doesn't have to stay on the cross, but can be a resurrection life.  I can't believe I live much of my life as if Jesus died on the cross, but not as the tomb was empty. 

I need to embrace being shaped by the Potter, this broken piece of clay.  I am not alone.  I need Jesus more and more all the time.  I wish Jesus was like a magic wand, its not.  In fact I told someone tonight that my life has gotten way more complicated since I gave him my life in '06.  Jesus doesn't make us think that this life is an easy one.  He reminds us often it is not.  In John 16:33 Jesus tells us "...in this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  I hang tight to that, in my dear savior's arms.

Knowing the financial trouble I am in is due to the legal case I have been involved in.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  People and relationships matter more to me than stuff, houses, or any stability.  Because you know in the end you can't take any of that with you, but you can impact lives and hearts with your own.

I want to stop being all about me, and more about Jesus.  I want to serve those who need his love.  I want Jesus to greet me from the shore, cooking breakfast- RISEN.

Love wins

It's a big world, we are hoping, For a big change, we are broken. In the fading light of a dying sun, We cry for redemption.  There is hope, there is hope, there is hope- that everyone who's lost will be coming home. And everything that hurts will be whole again. And love will be the last thing standing. Can't stop, you can't stop the seasons- Don't stop, don't stop believing!

Keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change.Believe in the end, love wins. If you're waiting for the time when your sun will shine-Oh, look above cause love wins.

If it hurts you, just breathe in. When it pains you, just believe in The radiant light of the morning sun We can find our redemption. Love is strong, love is strong, love is strong. It's been there holding you all along. Everything thrown away will be new again And love will be the last thing standing.

There is hope, there is hope for my lonely soul
There is hope, there is hope to be made whole
There is life, there is life to be set free
There is life there is life surrounding me
There is hope, there is hope for my broken heart
There is hope, there is hope for a brand new start
There is life, there is life give me eyes to see
There is life, there is life you have captured me

(Robbie Seay Band)

Not what I planned

This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.

It started Monday.  I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school.  Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45.  I was supposed to meet a friend at 10.  Instead, that happened at 11.  Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch.  I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox.  We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it.  They said it would take 2-3 days.  As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results.  That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off.  BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. 

I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment.  That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight.  Which NEVER happens.  It was good.

Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week.  I think we both needed it.  He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it.  My love for him goes deeper than words.  I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before.  I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before.  It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be.  I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid.  I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.

Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son.  A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet.  I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready.  And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this.  But I did.  Because you see, I didn't plan this.  God did.  Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy.  Call me crazy, but I did.  And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child.  So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now.  I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was. 

Often I wonder what she would say, my mom.  But to tell you the truth, I already know.  I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her.  I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid.  Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat.  I can't help it, her spirit lives on.  The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it.  Its okay.  I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy.  Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley.  I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.

I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy.  I mean, I guess I did.  I didn't think it would be this easy.  I didn't think that he would love me so much already.  He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life.  Despite all the pain.  Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things.  I would go through it all again for him. 

Which is why I understand how much God loves me.  How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him.  I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain.  Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know.  Its lying that I hate.  He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart?  Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of?  So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie.  I don't like to lie.  I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.

Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes?  Maybe its just because he doesn't know how.  It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being.  At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.

God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it.  I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path.  I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best.  I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next.  All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still.  I am trying Lord.  I am trying.

I have been crucified with Christ (Gal 2:20)

To read today's My Utmost

Think for a moment if this were true.  If we actually crucified ourselves with Christ.  Not just followed him, but crucified ourselves.  Chambers says "When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ."

What does this mean?

How many of you are reading this from your home right now?  You have flooring, walls, roof, running water, doors that lock, electricity, a computer, internet... Now, trade yourself with a resident of Port-au-Prince Haiti.  You lost your home, your family is either dead, wounded or missing.  You live in a town of sticks and sheets, never knowing when you will be safe.  Will you be beaten, raped, robbed?  What do you eat?  Do you have to go use the poor excuse for a latrine?  Is there toilet paper? Is it quilted?

I get so used to my middle class life sometimes I forget.  I take simple things that I consider necessities for granted.  I buy shoes and purses and go out to eat.  I drive a car.  I have a home (for now) and all I can say is THANK YOU GOD. 

When I remodeled my home, and then it set on fire, my life changed.  While staying in a hotel (that was paid for by insurance) Dave got to speak to his son for the very first time.  Now Dave is in the next room tucking him into bed.  I hear giggles and laughter.  My heart overflows.

I know that we could be living in a shanty town and be happy and giggle.  But not so much.  I mean I would like to believe that to be true.  But it is not.  Part of the reason we are happy and giggling is because we have each other, yes.  But we are full, and we are warm, and we are clean.  I thank God for that.

I feel guilty and selfish for wanting this middle class life so much.  I just want to be clean and warm and fed and educated and ... I want want want.  Need need need.

God wants me.  He doesn't need me.  I need God.  Sometimes I don't always want Him.  Sometimes I just want to be selfish.  It breaks my heart, knowing what happens in Haiti, in Burma, everywhere around the world, even in America.


This isn't about things.  Its about relationship.  God isn't a thing we own, children aren't a thing we own.  Marriage isn't a thing we own.  These are all relationships.

Why do we let things get in the way of relationships?  Why do we try to build relationships with things? 

Right now life is so uncertain in that I have no idea how I am going to pay for my things.  But the possibilities are endless, and I have more relationships than I have ever had before.  And I am not alone.

Help me God, to remember what is important.  Help me to crucify my selfish wants, and take care of my needs and the needs of my family.  Help me to grow my relationships, closer to you, closer to each other.

The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.

Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate.  Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.

Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school.  I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc.  My body had others plans, I overslept.  Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume.  It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done.  Until I get more pointers.  But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.

So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing.  I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.

I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated.  Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place.  I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies.  We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes.  We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th.  The new online programs are so easy to use!  I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there.  I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks.  Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!

Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store.  Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant.  We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away.  He liked that idea.  He likes to play war.  We ended up each having won one game.  Then he read to me from Garfield.  I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well.  I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school.  I learned a lot about life from him.  I read to him from Hotel for Dogs.  We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room. 

I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied. 

I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends.  Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well.  I like that.  Thanks God

The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind

Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?

I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th.  Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here. 

I left for work, got there early and ready to roll.  They didn't have the same idea.  Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2.  My heart was broken.  I was in a whirlwind.  I am in a whirlwind.

Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches. 

I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair. 

I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care.  If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients.  Sometimes I care too much.  One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over.  I bought her a card and a stuffed animal.  I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her.  Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering.  Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother.  I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage.  This hit the core of who I was.  Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks.  Patients are the reason I do what I do.  Or shall I say did what I did...

So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death.  I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good.  And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides. 

A sword has pierced my very soul.  Do I give up on this career?  Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist?  Do I bag groceries?  What will I do?  All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life. 

Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him.  He knows rejection.  He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him.  He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back.  He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk. 

God is still with me.  I must believe that.  I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM!  I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better.  Right now that is my focus.  God, family, friends.  I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week.  I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am. 

Lord, be with me.  Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear.  Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus.  Amen.

Vision

My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  I have been reading it every day.  Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words.  I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts.  We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts.  Sometimes it makes me wonder.

If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.

 That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday.  That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working.  I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.

"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.

Um, oh yeah is that me.  I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish.  Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off.  Why?  Because I am selfish and impatient.  I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing.  I need to find a balance there.  There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.

Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.

So confused.  I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own.  I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness.  I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision.  It is not too late, but I am so lost.

It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.

God I need you here.  Show me some light.  I think I need to spend some time in your word.  Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path.  Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.