It's a big world, we are hoping, For a big change, we are broken. In the fading light of a dying sun, We cry for redemption. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope- that everyone who's lost will be coming home. And everything that hurts will be whole again. And love will be the last thing standing. Can't stop, you can't stop the seasons- Don't stop, don't stop believing!
Keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change.Believe in the end, love wins. If you're waiting for the time when your sun will shine-Oh, look above cause love wins.
If it hurts you, just breathe in. When it pains you, just believe in The radiant light of the morning sun We can find our redemption. Love is strong, love is strong, love is strong. It's been there holding you all along. Everything thrown away will be new again And love will be the last thing standing.
There is hope, there is hope for my lonely soul
There is hope, there is hope to be made whole
There is life, there is life to be set free
There is life there is life surrounding me
There is hope, there is hope for my broken heart
There is hope, there is hope for a brand new start
There is life, there is life give me eyes to see
There is life, there is life you have captured me
(Robbie Seay Band)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Not what I planned
This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I have been crucified with Christ (Gal 2:20)
To read today's My Utmost
Think for a moment if this were true. If we actually crucified ourselves with Christ. Not just followed him, but crucified ourselves. Chambers says "When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ."
What does this mean?
How many of you are reading this from your home right now? You have flooring, walls, roof, running water, doors that lock, electricity, a computer, internet... Now, trade yourself with a resident of Port-au-Prince Haiti. You lost your home, your family is either dead, wounded or missing. You live in a town of sticks and sheets, never knowing when you will be safe. Will you be beaten, raped, robbed? What do you eat? Do you have to go use the poor excuse for a latrine? Is there toilet paper? Is it quilted?
I get so used to my middle class life sometimes I forget. I take simple things that I consider necessities for granted. I buy shoes and purses and go out to eat. I drive a car. I have a home (for now) and all I can say is THANK YOU GOD.
When I remodeled my home, and then it set on fire, my life changed. While staying in a hotel (that was paid for by insurance) Dave got to speak to his son for the very first time. Now Dave is in the next room tucking him into bed. I hear giggles and laughter. My heart overflows.
I know that we could be living in a shanty town and be happy and giggle. But not so much. I mean I would like to believe that to be true. But it is not. Part of the reason we are happy and giggling is because we have each other, yes. But we are full, and we are warm, and we are clean. I thank God for that.
I feel guilty and selfish for wanting this middle class life so much. I just want to be clean and warm and fed and educated and ... I want want want. Need need need.
God wants me. He doesn't need me. I need God. Sometimes I don't always want Him. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. It breaks my heart, knowing what happens in Haiti, in Burma, everywhere around the world, even in America.
This isn't about things. Its about relationship. God isn't a thing we own, children aren't a thing we own. Marriage isn't a thing we own. These are all relationships.
Why do we let things get in the way of relationships? Why do we try to build relationships with things?
Right now life is so uncertain in that I have no idea how I am going to pay for my things. But the possibilities are endless, and I have more relationships than I have ever had before. And I am not alone.
Help me God, to remember what is important. Help me to crucify my selfish wants, and take care of my needs and the needs of my family. Help me to grow my relationships, closer to you, closer to each other.
Think for a moment if this were true. If we actually crucified ourselves with Christ. Not just followed him, but crucified ourselves. Chambers says "When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ."
What does this mean?
How many of you are reading this from your home right now? You have flooring, walls, roof, running water, doors that lock, electricity, a computer, internet... Now, trade yourself with a resident of Port-au-Prince Haiti. You lost your home, your family is either dead, wounded or missing. You live in a town of sticks and sheets, never knowing when you will be safe. Will you be beaten, raped, robbed? What do you eat? Do you have to go use the poor excuse for a latrine? Is there toilet paper? Is it quilted?
I get so used to my middle class life sometimes I forget. I take simple things that I consider necessities for granted. I buy shoes and purses and go out to eat. I drive a car. I have a home (for now) and all I can say is THANK YOU GOD.
When I remodeled my home, and then it set on fire, my life changed. While staying in a hotel (that was paid for by insurance) Dave got to speak to his son for the very first time. Now Dave is in the next room tucking him into bed. I hear giggles and laughter. My heart overflows.
I know that we could be living in a shanty town and be happy and giggle. But not so much. I mean I would like to believe that to be true. But it is not. Part of the reason we are happy and giggling is because we have each other, yes. But we are full, and we are warm, and we are clean. I thank God for that.
I feel guilty and selfish for wanting this middle class life so much. I just want to be clean and warm and fed and educated and ... I want want want. Need need need.
God wants me. He doesn't need me. I need God. Sometimes I don't always want Him. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. It breaks my heart, knowing what happens in Haiti, in Burma, everywhere around the world, even in America.
This isn't about things. Its about relationship. God isn't a thing we own, children aren't a thing we own. Marriage isn't a thing we own. These are all relationships.
Why do we let things get in the way of relationships? Why do we try to build relationships with things?
Right now life is so uncertain in that I have no idea how I am going to pay for my things. But the possibilities are endless, and I have more relationships than I have ever had before. And I am not alone.
Help me God, to remember what is important. Help me to crucify my selfish wants, and take care of my needs and the needs of my family. Help me to grow my relationships, closer to you, closer to each other.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.
Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate. Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Monday, March 15, 2010
The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind
Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Vision
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I have been reading it every day. Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words. I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts. We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts. Sometimes it makes me wonder.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday. That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working. I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.
"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.Um, oh yeah is that me. I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish. Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off. Why? Because I am selfish and impatient. I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing. I need to find a balance there. There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.
Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.So confused. I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own. I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness. I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision. It is not too late, but I am so lost.
It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A love letter to my little boy
Jeramy and I grow closer all of the time. Now every time I hug Dave, he wants a hug too. He has been greeting me and going out of his way to say hi and goodnight or goodbye. And I hate to say this but the kid wants to stay up past his bedtime because he wants to see me. It is frustrating, because he, much like his father and I, is a night owl. The other night we were walking the dog and he blurted out "Hey Mom" and covered his mouth. I think he wanted to see what it felt like. I don't envy him, getting used to his new life, and falling in love, but having loyalties to his old life.
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Operation: Me
Did you know that if you break your nose, in order to fix it that the doctor must break it again? It's kind of like when your joint gets so bad you can barely walk they slice you open, cut out the bad parts and replace them with metal and plastic and sew you back up. If you think about most medical stuff, its gruesome. Basically most surgeons use the same tools found in a wood shop, just tweaked and sanitized. Hammers, saws, pins, screws and cement.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pain - are you ready?
I returned to my home today. I went back to Celebrate the Journey.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Love Hurts- (but sometimes its a good hurt)
I have been faithfully reading Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest. Today's entry is about love hurting. That Jesus hurts. You can't be adversely affected by Christ without feeling hurt. I want to expand on it, work it out, journal it, whatever.
You see, Jesus calls you to change. To die. To die to yourself. And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts. Jesus is truth, is light. The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away. The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself. Jesus asks one question to prove us. "Do you love me?"
Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer. Many people say that they love Jesus. In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times. Why three? Because he denies him thrice? All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings. Yes the second time to confirm my feelings. And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth.
What does it mean to love Jesus? I mean to truly love Jesus.
Let's look at die hard sports fans. I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves. Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts. They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio. Everyone would know that they loved that team. Some might even get in fights over them.
I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs. I own a shirt or two, watch a few games. But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere. They buy season tickets. I would call those people two yes folks.
What would make the third yes? Stepping out onto the field and playing. Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams. But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church. Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest. You don't have to be Billy Graham. You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team. What does that mean?
Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure. That was before he knew. Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God. But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected. He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment. When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore.
I often can picture myself doing this. Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea. Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary. Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear. But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior. It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus. Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.
Of course Jesus was more than welcoming. Peter then became the third yes type. You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing. Why? Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought. Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on. Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel.
Not all of us are called to leave our jobs. Not all of us are called to travel around the world. Yet we are all called to follow Him. To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection. Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people. They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk. But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer. If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot. Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing. There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger. There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing.
People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life. Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker. Are you in? Do you play the game? Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?
Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature. We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord. Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do. And oh yeah, you have to die daily. Every single day is a choice. Every single day you need to chose whom you serve. Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.
And I ain't saying I am perfect in this. I struggle every single day. Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day. Love hurts. But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there. Without his love, I won't survive.
You see, Jesus calls you to change. To die. To die to yourself. And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts. Jesus is truth, is light. The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away. The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself. Jesus asks one question to prove us. "Do you love me?"
Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer. Many people say that they love Jesus. In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times. Why three? Because he denies him thrice? All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings. Yes the second time to confirm my feelings. And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth.
What does it mean to love Jesus? I mean to truly love Jesus.
Let's look at die hard sports fans. I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves. Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts. They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio. Everyone would know that they loved that team. Some might even get in fights over them.
I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs. I own a shirt or two, watch a few games. But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere. They buy season tickets. I would call those people two yes folks.
What would make the third yes? Stepping out onto the field and playing. Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams. But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church. Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest. You don't have to be Billy Graham. You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team. What does that mean?
Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure. That was before he knew. Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God. But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected. He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment. When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore.
I often can picture myself doing this. Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea. Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary. Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear. But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior. It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus. Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.
Of course Jesus was more than welcoming. Peter then became the third yes type. You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing. Why? Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought. Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on. Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel.
Not all of us are called to leave our jobs. Not all of us are called to travel around the world. Yet we are all called to follow Him. To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection. Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people. They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk. But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer. If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot. Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing. There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger. There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing.
People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life. Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker. Are you in? Do you play the game? Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?
Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature. We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord. Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do. And oh yeah, you have to die daily. Every single day is a choice. Every single day you need to chose whom you serve. Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.
And I ain't saying I am perfect in this. I struggle every single day. Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day. Love hurts. But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there. Without his love, I won't survive.
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