The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.
Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.
What does it mean to make a commitment to God?
See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?
When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"
Sounds like I am being selfish.
God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.
So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?
By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.
Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.
What is so scary for me?
I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.
God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.
Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.
This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)
Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.
What are you gonna commit to?
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Its alright
I don't know where I would be without people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am headed for destruction.
They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."
So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.
So, here is how I need help:
Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:
Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont
There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say
Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right
They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."
So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.
So, here is how I need help:
- Moms and Dads: do you have suggestions for a reward and punishment system that works?
- Anyone want to clean my house for me? Serious here.
- I need some moms to talk to because I am really new at this and I feel what I am going through is not normal, when people keep telling me that it is. Lets have coffee!
- I need major help with my budget and I mean major
Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:
Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont
There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say
Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right
Monday, September 21, 2009
Jackasses and Twitter
Recently on Twitter: When we fail to listen to the prophets, God has to send in the jackasses (Numbers 22) Via @BenArment
So I was sitting down trying to do my new study for my new group when I popped in on Twitter. Now, mind you this is Day 2 of Modern Girls Bible study by Jen Hatmaker, and her theme for the day is asking God to point out the wrong things you do in Bible study. I know this passage from Numbers, it is quite a famous one with my husband. Balaam's ass was his favorite passage because he got to say the word ass in a Bible group. Like long ago when he was in jr. high or high school. Most translations use the word donkey, especially the kid friendly ones, but oh no, Dave's group was using like RSV or something like that.
See, what I heard from God, what I got was how stubborn I was. Most people know that donkeys (jackasses) are famous for being stubborn. But you see the whole story in Numbers was about how stubborn Balaam was that he didn't realize that his donkey was trying to keep him from danger. Balaam was going the wrong way, and he was so determined in doing so he beat his donkey for not obeying. Finally God gave the donkey the ability to talk because it was quite obvious that Balaam (a prophet) was not listening to God at the time. God had to talk through the donkey to reach someone who normally talks to God. Pay attention here, or you will feel like the jackass.
And that is what God has been saying to me: Hey, jackass, listen up, because I have been trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Because I might have to stop you and make you listen by any means necessary. I might have to humble you so badly that you feel like a giant jackass.
Of course at this point, I kind of do. Okay God, what is it?
Well you know well yourself how I keep showing you things and yet you refuse to listen, you refuse to let go of your past, of your preconceptions of yourself. I made you. I made you to be good at this, and I will keep having you do this for the rest of your life. If you don't let me use you there will only be more strife in your life, you will only get more beaten like Balaam's ass until you figure out to just let go.
How do I let go? How do I stop?
Listen to me. I already do. Yes, but I mean listen to me and only to me. Stop listening to the voice in your head that says you are not good enough. Stop listening to the world and Twitter and Facebook when you are supposed to be listening to me. Stop caring about where you will get your food and clothes and how you will be taken care of you see me taking care of others, you know my word in your heart yet you continue to worry, and you continue to work as if it all depends on you. Don't you get it? Don't you see? Do I have to take it all away from you before you believe me? You beg me in prayer not to do so, but you keep acting as if you want me to do it.
Okay so I need to let go, and let God. I get it.
No, you need to let go of what you want to do, and DO what I want you to do. You claim you want to be my humble servant and you do so with others no problem, but when it comes to serving me for what I want to do in your life with you and your family, you don't. Don't you know that you deserve what I have for you? Don't you know that I love you with the same passion that you see me loving others with. Listen to me. Accept my love for you. Do for you as I command you do. Don't you know that you deserve the same love and so much more. I love you, I have plans for you to prosper and not to perish. You know this, you know this my dear precious child how much I love you. Please child, please. Take care of you.
And so it goes. I must plan to take care of me. Somewhere deep inside I need to practice what I preach. I need to take care of me. I need to accept his love and his correction because of his love. Oh now if I can do this, I might lose the jackass label and be able to twitter about my freedom.
So I was sitting down trying to do my new study for my new group when I popped in on Twitter. Now, mind you this is Day 2 of Modern Girls Bible study by Jen Hatmaker, and her theme for the day is asking God to point out the wrong things you do in Bible study. I know this passage from Numbers, it is quite a famous one with my husband. Balaam's ass was his favorite passage because he got to say the word ass in a Bible group. Like long ago when he was in jr. high or high school. Most translations use the word donkey, especially the kid friendly ones, but oh no, Dave's group was using like RSV or something like that.
See, what I heard from God, what I got was how stubborn I was. Most people know that donkeys (jackasses) are famous for being stubborn. But you see the whole story in Numbers was about how stubborn Balaam was that he didn't realize that his donkey was trying to keep him from danger. Balaam was going the wrong way, and he was so determined in doing so he beat his donkey for not obeying. Finally God gave the donkey the ability to talk because it was quite obvious that Balaam (a prophet) was not listening to God at the time. God had to talk through the donkey to reach someone who normally talks to God. Pay attention here, or you will feel like the jackass.
And that is what God has been saying to me: Hey, jackass, listen up, because I have been trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Because I might have to stop you and make you listen by any means necessary. I might have to humble you so badly that you feel like a giant jackass.
Of course at this point, I kind of do. Okay God, what is it?
Well you know well yourself how I keep showing you things and yet you refuse to listen, you refuse to let go of your past, of your preconceptions of yourself. I made you. I made you to be good at this, and I will keep having you do this for the rest of your life. If you don't let me use you there will only be more strife in your life, you will only get more beaten like Balaam's ass until you figure out to just let go.
How do I let go? How do I stop?
Listen to me. I already do. Yes, but I mean listen to me and only to me. Stop listening to the voice in your head that says you are not good enough. Stop listening to the world and Twitter and Facebook when you are supposed to be listening to me. Stop caring about where you will get your food and clothes and how you will be taken care of you see me taking care of others, you know my word in your heart yet you continue to worry, and you continue to work as if it all depends on you. Don't you get it? Don't you see? Do I have to take it all away from you before you believe me? You beg me in prayer not to do so, but you keep acting as if you want me to do it.
Okay so I need to let go, and let God. I get it.
No, you need to let go of what you want to do, and DO what I want you to do. You claim you want to be my humble servant and you do so with others no problem, but when it comes to serving me for what I want to do in your life with you and your family, you don't. Don't you know that you deserve what I have for you? Don't you know that I love you with the same passion that you see me loving others with. Listen to me. Accept my love for you. Do for you as I command you do. Don't you know that you deserve the same love and so much more. I love you, I have plans for you to prosper and not to perish. You know this, you know this my dear precious child how much I love you. Please child, please. Take care of you.
And so it goes. I must plan to take care of me. Somewhere deep inside I need to practice what I preach. I need to take care of me. I need to accept his love and his correction because of his love. Oh now if I can do this, I might lose the jackass label and be able to twitter about my freedom.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Catching up on the things in my head
I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I wrote this Sunday night...
Its after 2am and I am still awake.
Today was phenomenal. My heart just trembled as I swept my eyes up and down the hill. "Wow, this is unbelievable!" I believe it was just a glimpse of a sliver of heaven.
Shortly after I started coming to CCC, there was an all campus picnic. I hardly knew anyone, and spotted the pastors to keep entertained.
My how times have changed...
Today I didn't go a moment without seeing people I knew, and I lost count of how many meaningful hugs I imparted to dear friends. Sometimes all I could do was wave hello as they passed by.
Talk about IMPACT...
I was a lonely soul looking for significance and meaning in my life. Through COMMUNITY I have been able to connect to tons of people, celebrate my life instead of wallow in depression, and contribute to helping other people find their way back to God. I have found great love from God and can't help but want others to know the change, the resurrection life he has given to me is available to them as well
As I think and pray about what's next for me and my family, I can't help but to praise God for Community Christian Church and the impact it has had on my life. . Its people have become my extended family that has supported me and my family through some of the roughest years of our lives. I have learned and grown so much, I often find myself amazed!
I hope that I am able to pass on the great love that COMMUNITY has and continues to show me.
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