Story

I always have a hard time starting a story.  I always want to go into the back-story and work up to the present.  It just seems so boring when I think about it that way.  I have been thinking a lot about story, my story, His story, and friends' stories.  I have been thinking about writing.

I think the first thing I need to do is just start.  Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful.  I have been watching Lost.  It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island.  What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.

It reminds me of reading the Bible.  To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far.  Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down.  What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old.  And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times.  I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible.  I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole.  That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.

Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me.  Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter.  Some of you might even be reading this.  But do you know me?  How much of my back-story do you get? 

Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me."  True.  How much do we truly know each other?  I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers.  I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing.  Maybe we even shared a meal or an event.  But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God.  The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in.  The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately.  The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake.  For that reason, I love you.  For that reason I desire to know you.

In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up.  I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out.  The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness.  When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you.  I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine.  If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks. 

What is it that this character will do?  What is her motivation?  What secrets does she have?  How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life?  What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light? 

I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all.  And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even.  Write history with me.  Write His story with me.

Just before dawn...

They say it is darkest just before dawn.  I know when the sun is coming up soon because I can hear birds tweeting.  Its like there is this anticipation in the air.  You can feel it in the breeze, and see it in the trees.  I have never been the person to wake up early, but I have always been the stay up late type.

Back before Dave and I even dated, we used to spend hours on the phone.  The best nights were the ones when I noticed the sun starting to come up in the east looking out my balcony.  I had this ache in my body that longed for sleep, yet this anticipation in my heart at the start of a new day.

And here I am, in the dark.  Yet I know that the sun is coming up soon.  I can feel it.  I can smell it.  I can hear it.  I can sense it in and out.  The sun will rise.  Life will go on.  It always has, and it always will.  The difference is that I am choosing to be a part of this new day.

Of course being a person who speaks in metaphors as a way to describe myself, my feelings and emotions, you must understand that I mean the depression, the dark days of my soul, the hiding, the tossing and turning, all of it is near to an end.  At least for this season.  There is hope now, where none was fathomable before.  There is peace in giving up things that I couldn't before.

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.


Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So then what in this life have I clung to, that is the pattern of this world?  Oh so much.

I think when I am able to remove some of these layers, I will truly find life.

So pray for me, as I pick my priorities, define my essence, search for what God desires of me, transform and renew my mind, lose my life to save it. 

My Priorities: relationships with 1. God 2. Husband 3. Jeramy 4. Family 5. Friends 6. people who have potential to be family or friends.  (I think that covers everyone!)

Its that simple.  Life is about living.  Not about where, or how, or what you drive.  Its that you are loving while you go about it.

And I love how the birds chirp before dawn, even when it keeps me up.  It lets me know that a new day approaches, and the possibilities are endless.

The stump will be a seed

This image keeps coming up in my head.  My mom drew this.  She took some time to get away and she drew this picture.  It has become very important to me.  My sister has the original.  I am considering getting it tattooed.  Why?  Its me.  Its my theme.  Its my word.  It is my life.

Its is yours too, if you choose.

The theme just keeps coming up.  Recently I got to meet Dave Gibbons when he talked about Isaiah 6 at Story conference.  That was probably the most awesome thing for me.  I love what Dave is doing with his church and- well his name is Dave so that automatically enters him in with the cool guys.  I love how he talks about the pain principle.  The pain principle simply states that people have a hard time relating to your successes, but they easily relate to your failures and your pain.  A good leader knows this and uses it to their advantage.

I have been going through a lot of pain recently.  I reaped much of what I sowed, I made bad decisions, I was naive.  But much I didn't deserve.  Much just was the way life is, a result of living in a fallen world.  Lately, I have been feeling like more of a stump than a tree.  Lately I have been feeling pretty low, hollow and empty. 

Somehow, I got reminded today about the stump being a holy seed. 

I know that God will make everything bad work out for good.  I have seen it before, not just in the Bible, but in my life.  I know that Joseph had to be in a pit, enslaved, and jailed before he got to meet Pharaoh and be second in charge of all Egypt.  And Joseph was a spoiled brat who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut- which I can attest to easily being my story.  In the end, he saved the lives of the very brothers who threw him in the pit.  They feared retaliation.  But oh no, Joseph had grown.  See all those times his tree got chopped down to a small little stump, God was with him.  He took what you and I,and likely Joseph, thought to be bad things, and turned them into something that blows our minds.  Joseph's stump became a holy seed that saved thousands of people, and repaired his broken family.  In Genesis 50:20 Joseph gives God all the glory for taking something downright evil and mean and turning it into something that SAVES.

God wants to use me.  Somehow I have to remember through all the hard things I face, that God IS with me.  God was always with Joseph.  But this stump of mine will one day be a holy seed.  God will use this pain to save many.  I have to know this because it is true.  God is teaching me what it means to be humble.  God is breaking down all of the walls I put up. 

God is blowing my mind.

Who knew that a braggart spoiled brat would one day save the world?  God did.  And he's gonna take this tree and keep chopping until its time.  Because he desires me to bear much fruit. (John 15)

So what next... well John 15 tells me... remain in him.  And I will go and bear much fruit - fruit that will last.

I like that, (although don't call me fruity) I like that my stump will be a holy seed.  I like that that seed will bear much fruit.  And right now, its okay to be a stump- because I know I am in the hands of the Master Gardener.


"Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed."
Robert Schuller, evangelist (How to Be an Extraordinary Person in an Ordinary World)

Groundhog Day

Bill Murray woke up every day, living the same day over and over until he got it right.  Okay, fine, it was the character that the actor Bill portrayed, but get my point here.

I don't really wake up getting the chance for a do-over per say.  I am stuck with what I have done.  But when the same junk keeps coming in my life, you would think that I would change what I do.

I am so hard on myself.  Probably the hardest person on me ever known to me.  I beat myself up.  I beat myself down.  I let myself get myself down.  I let my fear win.  I don't want to.

So many issues keep coming up in my life that repeat.  I learn things, but when will I ever get it right?  When will I ever stop the insanity (anyone remember Susan Powter?) and keep think that by somehow doing the same thing I will get different results.

I know Bill Murray tried like a million ways to kill himself.  I know it took him several times to get things right.  I know he had to do things over and over again before he realized that it did him no good.  Why should I beat myself up for the same thing?

How can I change when its easier to just sleep?

How can I not change?

How can I honestly go about my daily life without making changes?

This is where I stand.  Because when you battle depression, its like half of you wants to get better and the other half says "screw it!"  Its hard when you can't find motivation to do simple things like get up, or find the remote to change the channel.  Its hard to care about your bills when the thought of paying or not paying them drives you to insanity where you can no longer breath.

Which is why routine works.  Its why community works.  Its why having a God who pursues you passionately is the most important thing ever.

If I didn't bare my soul to a girlfriend who IM'd me out of the blue today, I wouldn't know that she really does care for me.  And yes, God uses the radio to speak to me.  On the way to work, love songs.  On the way home, a song I really needed to hear to remind me of his faithfulness.  And when I get busy at work, I can disappear into the rhythm of work.  I rely on it, I relish in it.  I need to be useful.

I ignore the vacuuming, maybe it will go away.  Maybe I will wake up to a small colony of groundhogs, or at least dust bunnies that have moved in and taken over.

God, help me get into a good routine.  Help me to make those choices that overcome depression and lead me into everlasting life.

Can't buy me love

I came home yesterday to find the door was jammed.  Turns out I came home early and the boys were rushing to set up a surprise for me.  I was greeted with a giant balloon, flowers, chocolate, and a cake with candles.  Jeramy picked out the arrangement here, along with the pink chick beanie baby.  Dave got me some beautiful roses.  Dave told me he had to stop Jeramy from wanting to buy the whole store. 

Jeramy had fun watching me smile, get my flowers in a vase, and I even let him have a bite of my Fannie May Pixie that they got me.  (He melted!  Love his drama!) I insisted we save the cake for all of us to eat together tomorrow- which by now is today (triple chocolate... looks very sinfully delicious.)  I loved all my gifts, but I told him more so that I loved the givers, and how thoughtful they were.  He said it was the best birthday ever.  Of course he meant my birthday, because he never got to spend any of my birthdays with me. 

And it was probably my best birthday ever.  Even though I worked, I enjoyed every minute.  Something was different about me.  Perhaps it was the lack of glitter on my clothing.  Perhaps it was the fantastic girlfriend lunch I had to start off my day.  Perhaps it was the fact that I truly feel loved.  I have this sense about me that is starting to feel okay again.  I saw a rainbow the other day, for just a brief moment, and I knew it was a sign from God.  I hadn't asked him for one, but he knew I needed it.  God does that for me.  And I called Dave and frantically exclaimed that I saw a rainbow- he freaked out because he thought I was calling about something bad- and I was just so excited I had to calm down.

I got to vent to my girlfriend on Sunday, and even though we were miles away, just knowing that she truly cared and was listening meant the world to me.  She misses me, and to be missed feels good.  I got pizza on Saturday (Lou Malnati's shared with by buddy is the best pizza ever!)  Another co-worker brought in cupcakes on Sunday.  They were sinfully decadent and oh so moist!  Yesterday my friend and co worker totally surprised me with a bouquet of flowers.  Knowing that she cared enough to get something for me- knowing where she is and how our relationship has evolved, means the world.

I don't remember exactly when it was, but very recently I was talking with Dave and I said "I am truly happy.  I have everything I could ever want!" I have a loyal and loving husband.  I have a delightful son who loves me and treasures our relationship.  I have two fur-children that just adore me.  I have good, deep, meaningful relationships with other women that are friends and that love me for who I am.  I have an aunt who has become a second mom to me, and loves me tenderly and really gets me.  I have a sister that is my advocate and friend.  I have cool cousins that love me.  I have co workers that love me, like me, put up with me, and enjoy working with me- despite my quirks.  Most of all, I have a God who loves me so very much.  He never lets go of me, even when I let go of him, he always takes me back and shows me how much he cares.  He always provides.

I may not have a lot to give, but what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.

I had my dear friend tell me this yesterday.  Okay, not in those exact words... but seeing as I have a musical heart, and so does she, she will forgive my paraphrasing.  And that my friends is the gospel.  That is why Jesus came to this earth.  Not to make us follow a strict set of rules, but to set us free for love. 

I am loved.

Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now...

Ever wake up with a song in your head? 

get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas

I woke up with Katy Perry in my head.  Have to admit the song is catchy, but I always wrote it off before.  I have never been to Vegas, its not my thing.  I don't like to gamble.  I did consider moving there because its a 24 hour kinda place, but decided against it.

Something told me to pay attention.

You see, God sometimes uses the weirdest things to get my attention.  It can be a song, a tv show, a book, a person, or just a bird in the sky. 

If you have read the posts in the past, you are caught up on my story.  I was getting ready to live again.

Out of my blind spot I got hit.  Cramping and pain on my way to work after I got to hug Cassie.  When I had a chance to check, there was blood.  This was pretty darn painful, worse than normal.  I freaked out and called the doc. 

The next day wasn't so bad, but I went anyway.  The urine came back "faintly positive" for pregnancy.  They drew blood.  Three options possible: I was pregnant and the baby was growing, I was miscarrying, or it was just stress.

I knew Sunday for sure I was miscarrying.  The pain was horrific, worse than before.  I grit my teeth, and hung on, and I told my mother in law.  I needed that, it felt nice to have her.  Monday the call came in positive, and I followed up with a blood test that day which said the levels had dropped.  Early miscarriage confirmed.

Three strikes you're out.

That's what it takes to be considered having issues.  Wikipedia let me know that sometimes it could be a number of things, and to be honest, the odds are stacked against me.  Hypothyroid and stress, stress, stress.  Not to mention the large number of medications I take and my BMI isn't what one would call healthy. I am at the heaviest I have ever been my whole life right now.

It wasn't the right time, and I didn't even know.

Sometimes the hardest things are blessings in disguise.  I know right now is not a good time for me, and I thank God for that.  But still I had to mourn.  Still I got knocked down.

So when I woke up with get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas in my head.  I knew it was time.

Good thing I had therapy.  I talked it out, I went through my doubts and fears.  I have no problem opening up to my therapist, and he helps me feel safe, and corrects my wrong thinking.  But also, he lets me feel.  He lets me know that what I feel is okay, but I don't have to stay there.  And I walked out ready to shake off the glitter, to leave Las Vegas.

Vegas is just a metaphor for me, see I have never been there.  My therapist understands how I use deep metaphors, and he actually loves it.  He gets me and the way I think.  He gets that I think in pictures, stories and metaphors. 

But there is more.  Shut up and put your money where your mouth is is the other line in the song.  That means quit talking and start doing.  Quit talking about living life and actually live it.  Quit dreaming, quit fantasizing, and quit putting yourself down.  Quit living in this fantasy world where everything is perfect.  Shut up.  Just do it.  You talk a big game, but let me see you lay down your money, your life, your pride.

So I called and booked lunch with my good friend for my birthday on Monday.  I shook the glitter off my clothes and had a good day at work.  People wondered where the energy came from.  (Of course I started taking a B vitamin complex- I am sure that helps)

I have to pick two things each day to work on for just 10 minutes.  Yesterday I took a hot bath to soak my sore muscles and started this blog entry.  Today I finished it.  Writing is therapeutic.  Especially if it helps you get a song out of your head and put it into action.

Hair today, gone tommorow

I cut my own hair today.  I have never done that before.

Then, later, after work, I dyed it. I don't normally dye my hair.

What is it about me that when I want to change, I start with my hair? 

I can control it, see a quick change.

I can't control much else.  My weight, my feelings.

So I cut my hair.  I change the color.  Only to find, I still look like me.

And apparently I have skills I did not even know.

One would even argue I didn't even dye my hair.

I like it. Its what I have wanted for a while.

I hurt so much I sometimes wonder if I can ever fix what inside is broken.

I need to keep surrendering to Jesus.  You can have it all, my empire of dirt.  My land of dustbunnies and furballs laden with mistakes.  Fill in the gaps, the space between. 

Help me to change more than just my hair.

Mend my heart.  Fill it make it clean.

Been there, wrote the book, watched the made for TV movie

I understand that life happens.  I understand that tv shows are based on real life.  Why does it seem I live in a bad mini-series, after-school special, or Jerry Springer episode?

My counselor tells me its because I actively engage life.  Many Americans drink beer, watch TV and go to bed.  I live the life.

Okay then, why do bad things happen to me?

Either because you keep making the same mistake, or to make you stronger, or because with increased involvement comes increased risk.

Kind of like with great power comes great responsibility?  (ya know, from Spiderman?)

If you go to Vegas and don't place any bets, you can't win.  You can't lose either, and you just have lots of bets on the table.  You are winning more than you think.

So I am, I have a great husband who loves me, and Jeramy loves me, he really does.

Yes, he does.

And I have good friends and family that I love and that love me.

Yes, you do.

So why do I hurt so much?

Why do you want what you do not have?  You have so much life to live right now, so many wins.  Time to cash in your chips and head home.

But-

You have family, friends, and love.  Work on those, be content with what you have.


-

You don't have to have more.  Maybe what I see is that you seek glory and fame outside of what you have, where you have so much already around you that you cannot see.

Can't see the forest through the trees.  (the beautiful people)... How come I keep needing more?

How come you think you do?

Why I am having a conversation with my therapist on my blog?

How come you stopped journaling?

I feel like I pay this man to be my friend every week.  That breaks my heart.

How come you don't call your friends?

They have lives, kids, jobs, ya know.  I work when they get home.

Excuses.

I know.  You're an awfully mean friend.

Just telling the truth because I love you.  That's what friends do.

Hey, I pay you.  It bothers me that I have to pay you.

Technically your insurance pays me.

Good thing, because you sure need therapy.

Hey!