This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
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