Yesterday was a den meeting for Jeramy's cub scouts. I thank God for people who can put up with 8 rambunctious 8 year old boys. I helped to keep them in line, I admit. I am an authoritarian mom, and don't like it when they run all over the place. Especially near a busy street corner. On the way back, one of the moms struck up a conversation with me. She re-introduced herself as horrible with names. I of course am the same way, so we automatically have two things in common, scout mom and bad with names. She mentioned she has only really seen my husband this whole time at the scout outings. I told her that I recently lost my job, and I worked the evening shift.
Her response "That's great! Now you can be a part of these things!" I wonder if she was longing for a younger mom to hang out with or just realized how awesome it is when you can be involved in your kids activities. "It's just the right time of year, too. As the weather just keeps getting better." FINALLY my heart celebrated. Yes, someone who didn't feel sorry for me, but who felt excited for me! I instantly liked her tons more.
I brought this up to my husband, while we were driving alone (Jeramy wanted to ride with the other boys) and he agreed. He told me that since I lost my job, things were tight, and we had a different set of problems, but I was a whole lot less stressed out. I totally agreed.
Now I am settled into somewhat of a routine, its time to mix it up again. Actually add some things that are productive and not time wasting. Goals: service, study, spewing. (I had to make it 3 Ss.) Service will be where I help out, either around here or with my aunt who could use a young person around the house. Study is spending time with God, reading the Bible and self-improvement. Spewing is writing. I want to start working on what my book might be, maybe just start spewing and run with it. Of course I need to put in a few applications every week, I think finding jobs is the hardest part. I won't apply for something I wouldn't actually work at, like a city job or a night job. Also I would like to meet with a school counselor to figure out what it would look like if I went back to college. Exploring several career tracks...
Help me out, if you will. What do you think I would be good at doing?
The world is full of possibilities and I am more free than I have been in a long time.
Showing posts with label being a mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being a mom. Show all posts
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Not what I planned
This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.
Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate. Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A love letter to my little boy
Jeramy and I grow closer all of the time. Now every time I hug Dave, he wants a hug too. He has been greeting me and going out of his way to say hi and goodnight or goodbye. And I hate to say this but the kid wants to stay up past his bedtime because he wants to see me. It is frustrating, because he, much like his father and I, is a night owl. The other night we were walking the dog and he blurted out "Hey Mom" and covered his mouth. I think he wanted to see what it felt like. I don't envy him, getting used to his new life, and falling in love, but having loyalties to his old life.
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Can't buy me love
Jeramy had fun watching me smile, get my flowers in a vase, and I even let him have a bite of my Fannie May Pixie that they got me. (He melted! Love his drama!) I insisted we save the cake for all of us to eat together tomorrow- which by now is today (triple chocolate... looks very sinfully delicious.) I loved all my gifts, but I told him more so that I loved the givers, and how thoughtful they were. He said it was the best birthday ever. Of course he meant my birthday, because he never got to spend any of my birthdays with me.
And it was probably my best birthday ever. Even though I worked, I enjoyed every minute. Something was different about me. Perhaps it was the lack of glitter on my clothing. Perhaps it was the fantastic girlfriend lunch I had to start off my day. Perhaps it was the fact that I truly feel loved. I have this sense about me that is starting to feel okay again. I saw a rainbow the other day, for just a brief moment, and I knew it was a sign from God. I hadn't asked him for one, but he knew I needed it. God does that for me. And I called Dave and frantically exclaimed that I saw a rainbow- he freaked out because he thought I was calling about something bad- and I was just so excited I had to calm down.
I got to vent to my girlfriend on Sunday, and even though we were miles away, just knowing that she truly cared and was listening meant the world to me. She misses me, and to be missed feels good. I got pizza on Saturday (Lou Malnati's shared with by buddy is the best pizza ever!) Another co-worker brought in cupcakes on Sunday. They were sinfully decadent and oh so moist! Yesterday my friend and co worker totally surprised me with a bouquet of flowers. Knowing that she cared enough to get something for me- knowing where she is and how our relationship has evolved, means the world.
I don't remember exactly when it was, but very recently I was talking with Dave and I said "I am truly happy. I have everything I could ever want!" I have a loyal and loving husband. I have a delightful son who loves me and treasures our relationship. I have two fur-children that just adore me. I have good, deep, meaningful relationships with other women that are friends and that love me for who I am. I have an aunt who has become a second mom to me, and loves me tenderly and really gets me. I have a sister that is my advocate and friend. I have cool cousins that love me. I have co workers that love me, like me, put up with me, and enjoy working with me- despite my quirks. Most of all, I have a God who loves me so very much. He never lets go of me, even when I let go of him, he always takes me back and shows me how much he cares. He always provides.
I may not have a lot to give, but what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
I had my dear friend tell me this yesterday. Okay, not in those exact words... but seeing as I have a musical heart, and so does she, she will forgive my paraphrasing. And that my friends is the gospel. That is why Jesus came to this earth. Not to make us follow a strict set of rules, but to set us free for love.
I am loved.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Taking care of business - everyday
I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me. Its true. I love to find books for other people. It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Message for all of my Celebrate the Journey friends
I wasn't there this Tuesday, and I likely won't be there next Tuesday for launch.
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
He keeps pursuing me...
The other day, my husband went to pick up our old dog to put her on the bed and she backed away from him. He said "why do you do that Abby? Oh yeah, that's right you are a female and females like to be pursued." Sure enough, the dog was happily placed on the bed to cuddle with us.
Sometimes, I back away from God. I don't mean to do it, its just in my nature. I am a woman after all, and sometimes its just how I am. I walk out of the room to see if you will follow me. Do you really want me? Come and get me. Its almost instinct. It happens so naturally, I can't help it.
Today, God decided to remind me he still loves me. Today, God pursued me. ME!
The day started out your typical manic Monday. The dryer repair guy was coming over. Now I can't say who or for what company because he didn't technically come over. Thanks to the GRACE of GOD the man offered to let me "cancel" before he was there when he saw there was nothing he could do and it was our association that needed to do something. That saved me and our family well over a hundred dollars we didn't necessarily have to spend. When he left I literally got down on my hands and knees in the living room and praised God.
But where was I playing hard to get you ask? Well, after everyone else left, I went back to bed. The alarm went off and I made my coffee and sat down to check my Facebook. Its the new version of checking my email, especially since my email comes straight to my phone. I see what everyone else is doing, and sometimes interact. Previously, I could have spent hours playing games. Not anymore, because I removed several apps that just sucked the time right out of me in a decision to spend more time with God. So I was "done" checking Facebook and should have gone to read my Bible (I want to get back into the habit) but my lazy self said no, lets go watch a show on Hulu instead. (Here, dear reader is when I chose to play hard to get, choosing entertainment over time with my King.)
He got me anyway. I watched Mercy. I don't know if you watch any tv shows or what you watch, but for some reason I have a sick attraction to hospital shows, despite their drastic inaccuracy of portraying medical life. For example has anyone seen an x-ray tech in ER, House, Scrubs? If so you probably only saw some non-descript person pushing a machine, while the doctors do all the work, or erroneously seen the doctors doing the exams themselves. But I digress... I really like Mercy, which is the name of the hospital, but its also a lot what the show is about.
I won't bore you with details, but should you choose to watch it the episode is titled "I saw this pig and thought of you." (They always use really cool lines as episode titles.) It dealt with a lot of stuff that meant something to me, including turning on God and coming back, and as I got in the shower, the closing song rang in my head. Now to truly get why it touched me, you have to watch the episode and know my life. The closing song was special to the episode and went "that's how strong my love is."
Now why I got so choked up, I might not know. I do know that in my heart I heard God telling me that he loves me, and that he ain't giving up on me yet. God telling me that he has got it ALL under control and its going to be okay. Somehow, the sense of me running away made me feel horrible and I cried tears, tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of repentance.
And God keeps showing me how strong He loves me... (which might be a good book title... must google it.)
I learn much about God's love for me by dealing with Jeramy. I am so full of love for that kid. I remind him, especially when he gets in trouble or he is scared, that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I might not like how he behaves, but I will always love him. And God said "Amen." That's how strong the love is, it held my savior to the cross harder than any nails ever could.
Sometimes, I back away from God. I don't mean to do it, its just in my nature. I am a woman after all, and sometimes its just how I am. I walk out of the room to see if you will follow me. Do you really want me? Come and get me. Its almost instinct. It happens so naturally, I can't help it.
Today, God decided to remind me he still loves me. Today, God pursued me. ME!
The day started out your typical manic Monday. The dryer repair guy was coming over. Now I can't say who or for what company because he didn't technically come over. Thanks to the GRACE of GOD the man offered to let me "cancel" before he was there when he saw there was nothing he could do and it was our association that needed to do something. That saved me and our family well over a hundred dollars we didn't necessarily have to spend. When he left I literally got down on my hands and knees in the living room and praised God.
But where was I playing hard to get you ask? Well, after everyone else left, I went back to bed. The alarm went off and I made my coffee and sat down to check my Facebook. Its the new version of checking my email, especially since my email comes straight to my phone. I see what everyone else is doing, and sometimes interact. Previously, I could have spent hours playing games. Not anymore, because I removed several apps that just sucked the time right out of me in a decision to spend more time with God. So I was "done" checking Facebook and should have gone to read my Bible (I want to get back into the habit) but my lazy self said no, lets go watch a show on Hulu instead. (Here, dear reader is when I chose to play hard to get, choosing entertainment over time with my King.)
He got me anyway. I watched Mercy. I don't know if you watch any tv shows or what you watch, but for some reason I have a sick attraction to hospital shows, despite their drastic inaccuracy of portraying medical life. For example has anyone seen an x-ray tech in ER, House, Scrubs? If so you probably only saw some non-descript person pushing a machine, while the doctors do all the work, or erroneously seen the doctors doing the exams themselves. But I digress... I really like Mercy, which is the name of the hospital, but its also a lot what the show is about.
I won't bore you with details, but should you choose to watch it the episode is titled "I saw this pig and thought of you." (They always use really cool lines as episode titles.) It dealt with a lot of stuff that meant something to me, including turning on God and coming back, and as I got in the shower, the closing song rang in my head. Now to truly get why it touched me, you have to watch the episode and know my life. The closing song was special to the episode and went "that's how strong my love is."
Now why I got so choked up, I might not know. I do know that in my heart I heard God telling me that he loves me, and that he ain't giving up on me yet. God telling me that he has got it ALL under control and its going to be okay. Somehow, the sense of me running away made me feel horrible and I cried tears, tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of repentance.
And God keeps showing me how strong He loves me... (which might be a good book title... must google it.)
I learn much about God's love for me by dealing with Jeramy. I am so full of love for that kid. I remind him, especially when he gets in trouble or he is scared, that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I might not like how he behaves, but I will always love him. And God said "Amen." That's how strong the love is, it held my savior to the cross harder than any nails ever could.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Its beggining to look a lot like Christmas
So guess I gave in and we got a REAL LIVE tree!
Ever since Thanksgiving week, I have been waking Jeramy up for school. It has been very rewarding as I have been able to see him and be more involved in his life. We are really starting to bond. Just the other night he said he maybe wanted to be an x-ray tech when he grows up. That just makes me grin from ear to ear. Not that he wants to be an x-ray tech, but that he wants to be like me. =D
I have given so much of myself to bring him home, and although we are got going to have "Christmas" Day with Jeramy(he will be with his mom), I really am enjoying our first Christmas together. I never knew that Christmas could be so wonderful, at least my adult self never did.
I truly look forward to opening gifts and singing carols and decking the halls and all that. I assure you that no one has slipped anything in my drink! I think perhaps that my Christmas wishes have all been met. I have a wonderful husband, whom I respect and cherish. And now, this year... a beautiful, bouncy, loving, smart, fun 7 year old boy.
Today when we were driving home with the tree, we were talking about my mom, and then her song came on the radio. I knew then that Mom was smiling down on us, and she was being a part of this Christmas after all. I told Jeramy my mom would have really loved him. I just think he is the neatest kid ever.
Also, we are working on a gingerbread house (I need to get an ingredient to fix the icing) which is really cool because I have never done it before. I also got Jeramy an advent calender, which is fun, and I don't remember having one.
Tonight I read him "The Littlest Angel" which I don't remember much other than it was a book I drew a picture from in kindergarten. It was about a gift for baby Jesus. So then Jeramy wanted me to read him some stuff about Jesus. I got out "The Voice" version of the Bible, and read from Luke. The Christmas story... actually I think I got all the way through Luke 5 before he fell asleep. The Voice is wonderful to read aloud, and it really makes the story understandable as well as beautiful. I see Jeramy starting to get it, and understand the story, which is cool.
I am just so excited with how much we are growing as a family, and hope that it never stops. I also hope to always delight in it!
Love you so much Jeramy.
Now Dave, get better and this Christmas will be great!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Problem with Pain
You know how you make a stupid mistake and you realize it while its happening? Well lucky me sits here a victim of my own stupidity. Today I ordered giardinara on my panini. Wouldn't have been such a big deal, except that yesterday I had it on my sandwhich at Potbelly. Giardinara often messes with my stomach, but I love the heat, so I often try other ways. Sport peppers I seem to do great with. Dummy me asked for giardinara.
Tonight I sit with at least 5 sores in my swollen mouth. I never get sores in my mouth. AND, my stomach was yelling at me all night. Thank God I take Nexium otherwise I would be in burning agony, not just pain and mild cramping.
Then I thank God for the local mouth numbing medicine we have tubes of in our cabinet. It was only when I got it on I realized just how badly swollen the inside of my mouth is.
We do stuff like that, make bad mistakes because we love how it tastes. And then to deal with the consequences, we numb it, block it, reduce it, push it away. How lovely is that, to be able to do that? We have gotten so used to not facing the consequences of our actions that we continue to act stupidly.
I am the world's biggest example of that. But this isn't confession to the world time. I just wish I could stop myself from making those mistakes while I make them. You see, because one day its gonna catch up with me. One day I will regret not making wiser choices. I am already making those wishes as I try to teach my children not to make the same mistakes I did.
Yet I ignored my mother when she did the same for me. In fact, I often pushed her away. And it hurts. It hurts because I won't be able to apologize to her. It hurts because I have to deal with deeper consequences of my actions instead of the skin deep ones I started making while ignoring mom.
Have some more Ambesol...
See, God realizes these things. He knows that we will choose to do stuff against his will for us, but we do it anyways. And just like it hurts me to see people I love making mistakes I have made and warned them against.... it hurts God just as much when we ignore him.
But he understands us, after all God created us. He knew we would mess up, he knew we would make bad choices, that is life, and since the apple was bitten, we all deal with the fall. We all choose. We don't always make the best choice. But someone did. Jesus did. Jesus didn't fight when they whipped him and spit at him. He took it. He took it because he was taking it for us. He hung up on a cross naked and beaten to take the punishment for our choices.
Could you imagine someone taking the consequences to your bad decisions? I can't.
Jesus takes on all of our sin, and that makes me want to stop making bad choices.
I still do. But I am working on it, and accepting the Grace of the one who knows.
Tonight I sit with at least 5 sores in my swollen mouth. I never get sores in my mouth. AND, my stomach was yelling at me all night. Thank God I take Nexium otherwise I would be in burning agony, not just pain and mild cramping.
Then I thank God for the local mouth numbing medicine we have tubes of in our cabinet. It was only when I got it on I realized just how badly swollen the inside of my mouth is.
We do stuff like that, make bad mistakes because we love how it tastes. And then to deal with the consequences, we numb it, block it, reduce it, push it away. How lovely is that, to be able to do that? We have gotten so used to not facing the consequences of our actions that we continue to act stupidly.
I am the world's biggest example of that. But this isn't confession to the world time. I just wish I could stop myself from making those mistakes while I make them. You see, because one day its gonna catch up with me. One day I will regret not making wiser choices. I am already making those wishes as I try to teach my children not to make the same mistakes I did.
Yet I ignored my mother when she did the same for me. In fact, I often pushed her away. And it hurts. It hurts because I won't be able to apologize to her. It hurts because I have to deal with deeper consequences of my actions instead of the skin deep ones I started making while ignoring mom.
Have some more Ambesol...
See, God realizes these things. He knows that we will choose to do stuff against his will for us, but we do it anyways. And just like it hurts me to see people I love making mistakes I have made and warned them against.... it hurts God just as much when we ignore him.
But he understands us, after all God created us. He knew we would mess up, he knew we would make bad choices, that is life, and since the apple was bitten, we all deal with the fall. We all choose. We don't always make the best choice. But someone did. Jesus did. Jesus didn't fight when they whipped him and spit at him. He took it. He took it because he was taking it for us. He hung up on a cross naked and beaten to take the punishment for our choices.
Could you imagine someone taking the consequences to your bad decisions? I can't.
Jesus takes on all of our sin, and that makes me want to stop making bad choices.
I still do. But I am working on it, and accepting the Grace of the one who knows.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Its alright
I don't know where I would be without people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am headed for destruction.
They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."
So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.
So, here is how I need help:
Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:
Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont
There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say
Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right
They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."
So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.
So, here is how I need help:
- Moms and Dads: do you have suggestions for a reward and punishment system that works?
- Anyone want to clean my house for me? Serious here.
- I need some moms to talk to because I am really new at this and I feel what I am going through is not normal, when people keep telling me that it is. Lets have coffee!
- I need major help with my budget and I mean major
Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:
Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont
There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say
Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Catching up on the things in my head
I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Blessed beyond measure
I went to the zoo today with my sister, my husband, our son, and our "adopted" son Paul. The sun was out. It was not too hot, it was not too cold. I got to eat out, worship God, see great friends, get lots and lots of love. I got to help clean the hamster cage. I got to feel family.
I got to feel the blessings of God in full.
I am so honored.
I got to feel the blessings of God in full.
I am so honored.
Best EVER Mother's Day
First off, I have to say that my mom and I never really celebrated Mother's Day. I used to say I love my mom 364 other days of the year. See, it all started with expectations and having to do things I didn't like. Then once, I moved out on Mother's Day. Since then, we always did something around Mother's Day, but we always did do something special. My mom was very special to me, and I miss her. She came up today, and a song came on the radio to let me know that even though she is not here on Earth with me, she knows what is going on, and she is proud.
Today I was communicator in Kids' City. That means I stand up on stage in front of a bunch of 1st-5th graders and teach them a lesson about God. Don't worry, I have a script. It went well. Sometime after the first group Jeramy said, "wait, it's mother's day this weekend?" Yeah, don't you remember you made your mom a card in school and we put it in the mail? "Oh yeah. Happy Mother's Day." Thank you Jeramy.
I tried so hard not to cry.
Then, after second group, he gave me my present. Apparently he really wanted to get me a bracelet from the resource table. (They sell handmade jewelry and other stuff to support missions.) He came up with the idea himself. He said he knows I really like rocks (because I had just showed him my rock collection from when I was a child this morning.) I was soooo happy.
Dave said that Jeramy came up with the idea himself. All unprompted.
This kid has a generous heart.
Mine -- mooshed.
God is so good. He really has watched over Jeramy's heart. He really does answer prayers.
It is well with my soul.
Today I was communicator in Kids' City. That means I stand up on stage in front of a bunch of 1st-5th graders and teach them a lesson about God. Don't worry, I have a script. It went well. Sometime after the first group Jeramy said, "wait, it's mother's day this weekend?" Yeah, don't you remember you made your mom a card in school and we put it in the mail? "Oh yeah. Happy Mother's Day." Thank you Jeramy.
I tried so hard not to cry.
Then, after second group, he gave me my present. Apparently he really wanted to get me a bracelet from the resource table. (They sell handmade jewelry and other stuff to support missions.) He came up with the idea himself. He said he knows I really like rocks (because I had just showed him my rock collection from when I was a child this morning.) I was soooo happy.
Dave said that Jeramy came up with the idea himself. All unprompted.
This kid has a generous heart.
Mine -- mooshed.
God is so good. He really has watched over Jeramy's heart. He really does answer prayers.
It is well with my soul.
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