Love is...

Don't let anyone ever say that people who have depression are just trying to get attention.  Don't you know that people who have depression are trying to disappear and would love nothing less than to be ignored.  They need attention, don't get me wrong, but everyone does.  I need attention, I need love. 

I am broken, I learned wrong what love was.  I wasn't shown how to act when I needed love.  I didn't dare ask after a while out of fear I would be disappointed.  I learned to run to the wrong things, the wrong people because I needed love.  Heck, I started smoking in high school because I saw a community that hung out and all got along and talked, and I needed that so badly.

I can't remember something specific that happened to me, but I do remember my grandmother hung up on my sister when she called her late at night and scared.  My sister reached out for help, love and protection, and instead got yelled at.  In my life, I often saw examples of being shown hate when asked for love.  Oh it wasn't always intentional.  It comes from generations of brokenness.

How do I stop the madness? (Without conjuring up an image of Susan Powter in my head?)

Its a choice.  I don't always make the right choices, but I know better, and I deserve better.  Slowly, but surely I am figuring it out.  Its a "one day at a time" process.  It involves asking for help, or reaching out when I need love, from good people who can love me.  That is probably one of the very best things about getting involved at my church, is getting to know wonderful people who are all working on it, and we lean on each other.  Of course we all look to Christ as the source, but it sure helps when we remind each other.

One of those things that I need is Truth.  A good friend told me to focus this week, and so I am to read only Luke 8 for my Bible time, read it every day and journal about what I learn.

I also let my son know that I want to love him always, and asked him how I can let him know I love him.  (Quality Time is his love language)... and I am off to spend time with him.