I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for. I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this. I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself. He was the only good thing left in me. I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God. The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears. Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.
Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again. I devoured the text. Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives. I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked. Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.
He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will. God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24 God destroys everything you put before him. He warned me he would. He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him. I was in denial, oh I denied it. I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry. At last I was just empty. Nothing. Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.
I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears. Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing. She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us. She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found. Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation. We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation. We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64) I understood that, I was there.
Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:
"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom. The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year. I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed. With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating. I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it. Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong. It is the nature of the beast." pp 64-65
I was not alone. I was not alone in my pain. Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.
There is HOPE. She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom. I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung. Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God. I wasn't so lucky. God had to get me fired. He knew I would never leave.
I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots. The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon. What was next for them, they did not know. Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)
I am in this tunnel of chaos. But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.
Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book. I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you. Thank you for being my muse Jen. Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will. God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.
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