Taking care of business - everyday

I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me.  Its true.  I love to find books for other people.  It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.

Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.

I bought myself 3 new books.  Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.

I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal.  Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition.  Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me.  My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer. 

Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me.  Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did.  How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons?  Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them.  Who knows but I thank God for the gift.

I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life.  I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it.  His was a movie waiting to happen.  A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments.  He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it.  It got him attention.  But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in.  They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.

I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits.  Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life.  Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.

Oh how stubborn I was.  I really had blinded eyes.  Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her.  Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her?  I was a kid, and I just wanted to play.  Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her.  I will have them one day in heaven.  I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed.  She had no fear.   That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so.  I regret not knowing her better.  Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.

In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned.  I miss my family.  I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such.  I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression.  I can't imagine how he lead the country. 

I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like.  This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess. 

I want to keep on.  I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.

I understand why Mom had to go.  Her time was done.  Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings.  Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that.  Jeramy asked what was so funny.  I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!"  And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing.  My ears didn't love it, but my heart did.  I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too.  Life is too short NOT to sing along.