Making friends

Making friends is hard for me. I have been hurt deeply by others, so I enter relationships guarded. I wish I could trust that they weren't going to eat me up, like this cat trusts the Shepard. I feel vulnerable, like this cat. People who are going to be good friends are going to understand that and let me build it slowly with them.

Take my friend Annie for instance. She and I had lunch yesterday. I went to her house, she made me totally comfortable, and I really enjoyed myself (thanks Annie!) She could still tell I was guarded, even though I couldn't, and she understood, she didn't push me. This is great, and will totally help me to open myself up to her the next time we get together.

Building trust takes time, but you have to be vulnerable to it if you are ever to get it back. Thanks to all my new friends for making me feel safe. I love you beyond measure. Most of all, thanks to God, who put these wonderful people in my life.

Old friends

Dave's buddy came out for the weekend. They have been friends since first grade (I think.)

Something awesome about old friends, you can spend time apart, but when you get back together, it seems that time doesn't matter. You are there for each other in good times, and even more so in bad times.

God is like that. If you go away from Him, he will welcome you back with open arms, like you never left. He loves you so much, he is just glad you are back. He is there for you, in good times, and even more so in bad times.

Are you missing an old friend? Call 'em up today!

Open my eyes

My sister has been struggling with pain and tiredness. Today she called to tell me that it might be her thyroid. I remember when I found out that I wasn't crazy and it was my thyroid. It made a huge difference in my life, and in my attitude. She has been seeing her chiropractor.

Well, I am finally going to follow my own advice and go see mine. I stopped going a while back because finances were so bad. I am suffering because of my left shoulder/upperback/neck. I can't sit up straight right now. I have been putting a hot water bottle on my muscles to get them to relax. They are so tight and spastic.

I realized last night, that it is when I am hurting that I tend to get upset with myself the most, and I went to God, and asked Him to help me. I cannot help myself sometimes. I think the combination of the pain still being here and my sister calling me reminded me that there is a perfectly good person who I know and trust to take care of me. When I called to make the appointment, I found out that my favorite massage therapist is in town! If I could afford to hire someone, I would hire her. She is so good with her hands, and I bet she would be a good cook too.

I do have worth, and I am a beautiful child of God. I am re-reading Captivating and trying to absorb it now, instead of just reading it. I figure it will help me get closer to who God wants me to be. It has struck many chords, and opened my eyes to many things.

Also, in my journey through the Message version of the Bible, I have begun to work on Deuteronomy. Now, I did start at the New Testament, read all of it, then went back to Genesis (for those of you who are curious) and intend to read through the whole New Testament again before I put this version "down." As much as I love the Bible, Leviticus and Numbers can get boring and repetitive. However, I think I have gleaned something from that, especially combined with this weeks verse. Jesus said the most important commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." (see previous post) The old testament is full of God choosing his people, and his people straying from God and his blessings again and again and again. What does God do? Does he butter the floor? No, he gives them chance again and again to come back to him and enjoy his blessings. If you love God the way he desires, putting nothing before Him, the rest will follow naturally. Before you know it, you end up trying to help people find their way back to God, and serving them. And you like it, you love it, and you can't get enough.

Opening of my eyes starts with opening my heart to the Lord, and it goes from there.

Reflections

Sometimes this is me. I walk around, happy and content, until I look in the mirror, or see my reflection. Who is that? I don't look like that!?!?!

I see myself as an average person, until the reflection comes up, then I don't recognize myself.

No, no, I have beautiful curves, and this person has a HUGE butt, what is up with that?!? Maybe its just the mirror... but it is every mirror. Photographs are worse.

And then my thoughts don't help, just 30 pounds ago.... just 60... just 100...

My actions don't help. I don't get up to do anything. I want to, I make many plans to do stuff. I am tired, I am sore, other stuff comes up. My husband is great, he loves me the way I am, but if I don't do something that person in the mirror is going to just keep getting bigger, while the person inside just gets angrier. Its not too late. I try to tell myself that. And something always comes up.

How can I do something when I physically hurt so much? My feet, my neck, my shoulder, my back? Catch 22.

All your heart, soul, mind, strength

In Mark 12:30 Jesus says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." This was in response to the question "what is the most important commandment?"

Notice how hard it is for everyone to follow this commandment. Even long practicing Christians find themselves holding things back from God. They choose to love themselves, or Elvis, or the new BMW, but not God. And not with ALL of themselves, body, spirit and thought, and definitely not as much or as strongly as they can.

Why do we hold back? What do we fear? Are we just being selfish? What good will it do anyway?

Everyone has their own reasons, for many it is lack of faith or fear of punishment. If you confess to God, he will forgive you. Jesus took on your sin so that you didn't have to die for it. You will not be punished, God is not up their with lightning bolts looking to hit you when you sin. God is here with open arms, waiting to hug you and love you. You just have to GO TO HIM! Jesus died so that you could have that relationship with Him. Do not be afraid of God.

When you let God in, healing can begin. Imagine what it would be like if you let him in with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL your mind, and ALL your strength? God is faithful, he will never let you down. Its just us mere dusty humans that do the disappointing...

Heavenly Father, I just pray that we search ourselves and decide to reveal what we are hiding. You already know all of us, for you created us, but I pray we come to you with it, and allow ourselves to be forgiven and loved by you. Help us to open up to you, to love you with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. Help us to understand how deep, how wide, and how long your love is for us...
You have the power Lord, help us with what we cannot do on our own. In Jesus Name, Amen

Ephesians 3:16-21 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I know the kid!

So in my last post, I posted a picture from my piddly camera phone. I talked about wanting a photo of David Crowder with the little boy. Then I saw my friend Patrick's blog, Atropica. I know that little boy! Congratulations Cormac on meeting David Crowder! I stole the picture off the post here. It is just too cute NOT to steal!

A week ago Sunday, I noticed how he unashamedly calls out the name of the person he wants to see when his mom was holding him. Well, Saturday it paid off!

Jesus tells us that we are to be like Cormac. In Mark 10:15 "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Wow.

Read Patrick's post. Cormac never gave up, and David Crowder saw him, waved, brought him up on stage, hugged him, gave him water... If we really want God to be there in our lives, we cannot give up. We need to keep crying out for Him. Be like a child.

It is so cool that I got to witness this at the concert, but even cooler that I know the kid!

On a follow up note from Sunday, the Cougars lost but we had a good time and went out for dinner after the game at Domo 77 in Wheaton. Thanks to Dave's folks for a great dinner! I always love visiting with them!

I saw the light... IgniteChicago highlights

This is a photograph of David Crowder and some of his band from my cell phone. Its zoomed in twice, and is only one mega pixel, thus explains the grainy quality.

David Crowder is an amazing man. First off, he has an awesome beard and big hair. Secondly, he is from Texas; tall, thin and lanky. This man has a heart for Christ. It is awesome. And, he loves his fans! I wish I could have gotten one with him hugging the three year old on stage. It was so cool.

Christian artists are so different from mainstream artists. Why? Because they don't play music for themselves. They are called to share Christ through his music. They don't sell albums to buy a house in Hollywood Hills, they sell albums to share the gospel. Many Christian artists also donate a lot of their money to different causes, and go on missions trips. Also the concert experience did not include drunk jerks and tons of mean security folk. People were generally nice and considerate.

David Crowder band did their version of "I saw the Light" and everyone got down! Banjo and everything! It was awesome. There is just no explaining it, but seeing David Crowder live was awesome.

Also awesome, but with WAY too short of a set, was Tree63. They have a new hit on the radio "Sunday" and it rocks! My sister likened them to U2. I don't know if I would go that far, but if you like U2 you will like Tree63. My favorite song by them is "Treasure." Unfortunately they did not play it, but they did play "joy" and "look what you've done" which rocked. I could not even say every single song played today, but they all rocked. I even enjoyed Rebecca St James, although I am not too familiar with her music.

So, one day in a ballpark down. (The fest was held at Schaumburg Flyers Stadium.) One day in a ballpark to go. Sunday we go to see the Kane County Cougars with Dave's folks, (my Dave, not Dave Crowder's folks.) Sunday, halleluiah, its not too far, its not too far away... (hear Tree 63's new single Sunday on their myspace page.)

Ode to a Megan

Thanks to the few cheesy tools that come with my camera, this is a "cartooned" pictured of my sister from my cousin's wedding. She is about to say "You aren't gonna take a picture, are you?" Um, yeah, and this was the funniest one ever.

Anyway, Megan is coming down tomorrow. I am so excited. We are going to the Ignite Chicago Concert, which is actually taking place in Schaumburg. I personally am looking forward to seeing the David Crowder Band, Tree 63, and Seventh Day Slumber. They are also going to have these blow up games, but I highly doubt I will be doing any of that.

Megan is another person who is totally passionate for Christ. She lives up in Wisconsin. She has her testimony up on YouTube. How brave is that? We have gone through so much together, and because of Mom's illness we have gotten closer than ever before. I love her so much. Plus, how cute is she? She was also the world's best Maid of Honor EVER!!!!

I thank God for such a beautiful, loving, caring, and awesome sister. She has always been my special treasure, and anytime we get together is a blessing. I am really looking forward to listening to some great music and praising God together with her tomorrow. It will be a phenomenal experience. She has given herself to Christ 10 years ago, and me only one. This makes her my younger in age sister who is older than me in faith. But that is cool. I cannot wait to share this experience with her. Just another way for us to connect... and I know our connection will never end.

Step by step

I actually got some cleaning done yesterday. The first step was to see why the vacuum cleaner wasn't sucking. There was a gigantic fur ball, but the core of that was this balled up napkin. I am sparing you that picture. It was gross. The vacuum cleaner got stuck because it tried to suck up something too big to handle.

Have you ever gotten stuck? I have. I notice when I get stuck, it is because I try to take on something much bigger than I can handle. I keep forgetting that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

God never gives us anything we cannot handle. I have always been convinced of this. But, he also never wanted us to do it all at once in a single leap. I forget that often. When I set a goal, or am faced with a challenge, I always want to get it done right away or not at all. That is not how God intended.

In the Old Testament, great reading if you ever get the chance, God promises the Jews the land of milk and honey. The land he promised is not conquered in one day, not even in one generation. They wanted to take it all at once, but God did not let them. If they didn't have to fight for the land, they would not appreciate it. Still, they didn't always listen to God, and that lead to them eventually losing the land. They were exiled from what was promised to them.

When I try to do things my way, and take it all on at once, I get thrown off! I bet you do too. What God wants us to do is listen to him, and take on our challenges little by little, step by step. You don't just walk into a gym and magically have six-pack abs! You have to keep coming back, and keep working out. You can't spend all day there either, you will end up unable to move for days upon days or seriously injuring yourself. God wants us to be his partner, and to do things step by step.

Its hard to have this patience in our day and age. Tivo lets you pull up a show when you want it, pause it, and fast forward through the programming. Real life means you deal with it when it happens, and there is no fast forwarding through commercial breaks.

You can deal with this when you have a relationship with God. Leaning on Him helps me to get through the challenges. The word "wait" is found in the NIV Bible 135 times, and in the NLT 159 times. Waiting is a part of what God intended us to do. So what do we do while we wait? Take it step by step.

Romans 8:25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently

Romans 15:4 And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.

Hebrews 9:28 so also Christ died once for all time as a sacrifice to take away the sins of many people. He will come again, not to deal with our sins, but to bring salvation to all who are eagerly waiting for him.

2 Peter 3:14 And so, dear friends, while you are waiting for these things to happen, make every effort to be found living peaceful lives that are pure and blameless in his sight.

A wise man named Tom Petty once said "the waiting is the hardest part." Do your best to make the most of it, don't get anxious and jump ahead of yourself.

It keeps on piling up

My life seems to go in spurts. There is the times when I am on the freeway with no traffic around, and just enjoying the ride. Then there are times when , well, look at the picture. Work can do that to me, make life pile up. Heck, life can do that to me.

I have to work full time, otherwise I will not be able to have luxury necessities like air conditioning, electricity, hot water, food, gas in my car and last but not least, internet.

I love my job, I love what I do. I just wish I didn't have to work. I would rather pursue a hundred million different things than work. And when I am off work, I don't do many things that "need" to be done because I would rather do things I want to do.

Case in point, my home is a mess (which is why I have no photos of my house, but rather internet cats telling you what my house is like.) Piles everywhere, and stuff on the floor, and the sink full of dishes again. If I hired a maid service, they would walk in, look around and walk out. Not to mention the carpeting...

Somehow, I need to find balance. A point where I can do what I want to do and get done what I need to do. People and God are more important to me than my house, which is why I forget the house to be with people and God. However, I would like to use my home to have people over, and maybe even talk about God.

I would probably even cook more if my kitchen was clean.

Women just don't feel comfortable at home when it is a mess.

In the meantime, I guess it is time to get out the magic wand, tap my magic ruby-red slippers together three times and say "there is no place like a clean home" before I run away forever.

If moving wasn't so hard, I might almost prefer that.

Christians use the internet

There have been several really good things posted recently, and I want to share. Remember, sharing is caring.

On Big Ideas about Small Groups, Caren Fog writes about why it is not good for us to be alone. Check it out here.

The ReachOutKC website has been updated, and is more interactive. Also you can donate online. Find out about the God-sized dreams for Kansas city. Check it out here. Find out about the NewThing Network here.

God keep revealing facts supporting the Bible. Check out the story here. Scooped from ChurchRelevance.com.

Perry Noble tells an awesome story about how God reveals himself at 2am. Read the story here. It is really good, don't miss it!

Tommy Bowman shares some insights on worship. It's not just singing! Seriously, find out what he says here. Check his band out on the website or at their myspace page.


Alison shares some insight from her life on following Jesus. Read it here.

Last but not least, Pastor Dave shares about his Philippines trip. So far he shares this and this. I am looking forward to reading more.

Oh, and thanks to Sherry for the pic, which I nabbed from her blog.

I personally use Google Reader to keep up with all of my blogs. No, they did not pay me to say that, but some people are curious.

If you are curious what I am doing this weekend, the answer is work. (sigh) Next Saturday I am going here, and Sunday to see these guys. I am excited! At least I can look forward to next weekend!

My best friend

My husband is my best friend. No doubt about it. Okay, he is more than that, he is my other half. But I share everything with him. Seriously, I mean everything, and he shares with me too. I could not imagine going through life without him.
This photo is from our Honeymoon. One of the "self-portraits" taken at the Grand Canyon.

I have been uploading photos to Flickr, which is causing me to look at a lot of them. I just like how we both have these stupid smiles on our faces. We never wear hats, except on vacation, when we need to keep the sun out of our eyes or our heads warm. It got really cold by the end of the day there. (It was January!)

So be warned, when you tell me something, my husband will know about it! Even if you tell me not to tell anyone! He is me. I am him. We don't keep secrets. I hope it always stays that way. We do have the exception for surprises and gifts, although we are not always good at that.

We love to do stuff together, but we don't always have to. We feel confident separating, knowing we will return to each other at the end of the day. I love that. I also love how we share our faith. We may not share the same gifts, but we have the same goals. It is funny how I will do something and then say "I hope you don't mind" and he said he would have done it if I hadn't.

One of the great things our Pastor Troy said at our wedding (paraphrased) is that a marriage is like a triangle, with God at the top. The closer we each get to God, the closer we are to each other. I love that, and I will never, ever forget it. (Thanks Troy for the best wedding ever!)

God, help us to grow closer to you, and each other, forever!

Final Farewell

Yes, this is exactly what you think it is. The ashes of my mom were spread this Saturday. 7-7-07 was the anniversary of her death (and also she just loved sevens.) We laid her to rest in Lake Michigan, where she would have loved it.

The day was perfect, and we had a great boat trip. The water was wonderful, and there was a real peace about the whole thing. I truly felt everyone's prayers that day. God was with me. He was with all of us.

The afternoon lead to swimming off the beach followed by a hearty meal (thanks Dad!) I truly enjoyed swimming, and found myself out on the sandbar. I had swam out there for the first time ever in my entire life. I am losing fear. I realized that later while reflecting my day. I pray that God continues to help me release my fears.

I made my aunt (mom's sister) a couple of scrapbook pages today, and I hope to spend more time with her making her scrapbook. I think the healing is happening. Thanks God. Say hi to Mom... until we meet again in heaven!

Now I don't feel so stupid

I lost my wallet last night. I got out to my car after work, and couldn't find it, so I drove to the closer parking garage and headed back into work to look for it.

It was not in my scrubs pocket.
It was not at the desk.
Security did not have one.

AAAAAHHHHHGGGGG! I was freakin' out!

I retraced my steps. We went down to the cafeteria and I got a snickers. Nope, not there, not in the elevator, the hall, the garbage with my snickers wrapper. Not in the patient's room. Not in the exam room. Not in my scrubs or the laundry hamper, not in my locker. Hmph.

Not in the bathroom in the locker room, but wait, did I drop it in the other one?
Yes! I found it! I feel SOOOOO stupid!

Then I saw this picture. Poor puppy, your parents are mean. Unless they are trying to get you to stop chewing your paws, this is just cruel. Talk about no traction. And then to get caught on camera! The look on this dog's face says it all. "I am going to get you, just wait until you see your favorite pair of shoes tomorrow! I don't love you right now."

Need a laugh? Check out www.cuteoverload.com and get way too much cute for your day. Dave told me to be careful, that internet kitties are the gateway...

For you who are willing to listen

5 Reasons You Should Always Love Your Enemies
#1: It saves you money on all the mean text messages you
would have wasted on them.
#2: If they randomly die from an unknown cause you won’t be considered a suspect.
#3: Since you’re married to them you might as well make the best of it.
#4: You can go back out in public again since you were afraid of running into them before.
#5: It can turn your evil plot to dispose of them in the woods
into a fun game of capture the flag with your friends!

We are in the middle of a series at church called "Things I wish Jesus never said." Sunday we heard a sermon based on the saying Jesus said "Love your enemies." Read what he said from Luke 6 (NLT):
“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ... Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate."

Its a tall order to ask anyone to love their enemy. Jerry Seinfeld, love Neuman. George W, love Osama and Al Queda. Shelley, love that girl who made fun of you in Jr. High. Infact, don't just love them, pray for them. Do good for them. Be a blessing to them. Jesus asks something that seems impossible.

But it is not impossible. See, we cannot change other people. I cannot impose my will on anyone, no matter how hard I try. The only thing that I can do is to change myself. I have been spending so much time praying for those I love, and very little time praying for those I don't love. Seriously if you listen to Jesus here, it can change your life. It changed mine.

Many of you know how sick my mom was. She had Pulmonary Fibrosis. The only way to find out what caused it, was a biopsy. Mom weighed her options, and decided she did not want to be put under, sliced open, have a chest tube and possibly not survive a surgery. She knew that it was not going to change her treatment, but she wanted us to know why she was sick for our sakes. She wanted an autopsy. When my mom died, we told the nurse that, and I filled out the form and signed it.

Something went wrong, communication broke down. The funeral home took her body to the crematorium, and no autopsy was ever done. I was furious. This was the hospital that I worked for, and it screwed up my mom's last wishes. Okay, furious was an understatement. Really I was hurt, and hurt bad. It was the hospital's fault, they investigated and admitted their failure. What was I to do? How could I work there when they screwed up my mom's last wishes? A lawsuit would only cause more hurt to me, in many ways.

I turned to the Bible: "But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. ... Do to others as you would like them to do to you." God spoke directly to me and gave me the answer.

The sky opened up, figuratively, and I saw the light. If more people paid attention at their job, and cared, this would not have happened. So I was determined to be a blessing to the hospital. I was going to be the one who cared with her whole heart so that patients got excellent care. And I prayed, I prayed that this mistake would open up the hospital's eyes to a problem and find a cure. Every single patient is someones parent or child, someone's brother or sister. My brother or sister, a part of the family of humankind.

We really need to stop the hating, and start loving each other. I know it is not easy, but it is a choice that needs to be made in order to save humanity. I made the choice and it saved my humanity.

Realize that you cannot change your enemy, you can only change you. Love them, pray for them, be a blessing to them and watch what happens. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

“Love is the only thing that can turn an enemy into a friend.”
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Too hot to play

Welcome to the dog days of summer. It is hot outside, and too hot for my air conditioning to keep up. So while the sun shines, I lay inside like a dog.

I am watching the Cubs on TV, we just gave up a grand slam so I am really in no mood to play now.

Good thing I have to go to work, otherwise I might just laze all day. Holidays are good days to avoid people by staying home. I can sometimes get overwhelmed in crowds, and for some reason everyone is out on the 4th of July, imagine that.

I also don't want to do anything because I know I will be at work later. That and the cramps, they really don't help. Hopefully, the Motrin will, and I will be able to stand up shortly. In the meantime, I am just gonna lay here watching the ball(game) with my legs up.

Happy Independence Day

Hurry up and grab your flags!

It is holiday time, which means I am working, because hospitals never close. I don't work every holiday, just feels like it sometimes.

My recent obsession is internet cats. I have been looking for cat pictures like teen boys look for porn. I think it is because they make me laugh, and I need all the smiles I can get.

It seems like everyone is on vacation. What is up with that? Summer I suppose makes people want to run away from home? I feel so out of the loop because I am not going anywhere or doing anything.

I do have some things planned. Saturday we go to Kenosha to go out on Lake Michigan. Mom's memorial service on the lake. July 21 we go to an awesome all day concert festival in Schaumburg. That should be fun.

Maybe its because I am still in a funk that I feel this way. I hope to make more plans with friends. Hello, friends? Oh, sorry, they are on vacation too.