Groundhog Day

Bill Murray woke up every day, living the same day over and over until he got it right.  Okay, fine, it was the character that the actor Bill portrayed, but get my point here.

I don't really wake up getting the chance for a do-over per say.  I am stuck with what I have done.  But when the same junk keeps coming in my life, you would think that I would change what I do.

I am so hard on myself.  Probably the hardest person on me ever known to me.  I beat myself up.  I beat myself down.  I let myself get myself down.  I let my fear win.  I don't want to.

So many issues keep coming up in my life that repeat.  I learn things, but when will I ever get it right?  When will I ever stop the insanity (anyone remember Susan Powter?) and keep think that by somehow doing the same thing I will get different results.

I know Bill Murray tried like a million ways to kill himself.  I know it took him several times to get things right.  I know he had to do things over and over again before he realized that it did him no good.  Why should I beat myself up for the same thing?

How can I change when its easier to just sleep?

How can I not change?

How can I honestly go about my daily life without making changes?

This is where I stand.  Because when you battle depression, its like half of you wants to get better and the other half says "screw it!"  Its hard when you can't find motivation to do simple things like get up, or find the remote to change the channel.  Its hard to care about your bills when the thought of paying or not paying them drives you to insanity where you can no longer breath.

Which is why routine works.  Its why community works.  Its why having a God who pursues you passionately is the most important thing ever.

If I didn't bare my soul to a girlfriend who IM'd me out of the blue today, I wouldn't know that she really does care for me.  And yes, God uses the radio to speak to me.  On the way to work, love songs.  On the way home, a song I really needed to hear to remind me of his faithfulness.  And when I get busy at work, I can disappear into the rhythm of work.  I rely on it, I relish in it.  I need to be useful.

I ignore the vacuuming, maybe it will go away.  Maybe I will wake up to a small colony of groundhogs, or at least dust bunnies that have moved in and taken over.

God, help me get into a good routine.  Help me to make those choices that overcome depression and lead me into everlasting life.