Disheartened by Christians

Lately I have had a couple of people who are not related in any way, shape, or form talk about how a person who calls themself a christian has judged them. 

Now, before I go own I have to say that asking someone to obey rules in your home is different from judging a person.  Many people establish rules in their home which create boundaries and safety as well as confirm their values.  This is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about people not having a relationship with someone, or telling you not to do something or talk about something you do in church.  Asking others to behave and follow what they believe to be christian behavioral standards when the people they are asking aren't even christian to begin with.

Also, if anyone actually reads the Bible, the whole Bible, even just the whole New Testament, they will find out that Jesus came to tell these very people (the ones imposing the behavioral rules) to take a hike and straighten up.  See, Jesus came for those who needed love and forgiveness, and he died at the hands of the people telling him to "obey their rules".  Jesus was crucified because he refused to obey silly rules, and instead chose the heart of what God wanted.

Jesus hung out with lepers, prostitutes, insane people, seedy extortionists, and he dared to talk to a woman who was ousted by her community because she had had so many husbands that she had to avoid the gossip and gather water when everyone else was avoiding the hot sun. The man even touched dead people when that made you an outsider.  He gathered the children to him when others tried to shoo them away. 

So, if you DARE stop talking to someone because you don't like what they do- SHAME ON YOU!  Its one thing to keep unsafe people from being alone with you or your children, its another thing to not even talk to them.  (and if you cut off the relationship, shame on you for being just as closed minded!)

If you don't want someone to talk about who they are or what they do when they come to church, SHAME ON YOU!!! Seriously, because I think Jesus just shed another tear.  Jesus doesn't want us to be clean and shiny on the outside, but dirty and contaminated on the inside, the wants clean from the inside out.

Perhaps the day when people use religion as just another way of judging will never come to an end.

My friends, I say to you that Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you if you are gay, straight, black, white, green, purple, broken, infested, misdirected, sick, toreup, built up, ugly, pretty, sane, insane, fun, boring, dead, stealing, hiding, sinning, judging, fumbling, fat, skinny, weak, strong, angry, sad, confused, irritated, hurting, smelly, lame, retarded, addicted, screwed up, messed up, f'd up, nuts, lonely, busy, sorry, mad, happy, sore, crazy, sane, average, American, African, Chinese, whatever.  Jesus loves you - not because of who you are, but because of who He is. 

And on behalf of everyone who ever judged you or hurt you in the name of Jesus, I apologize.  Especially for what I have done. 

Oh yeah, one more thing.  Just because you are "christian" doesn't mean you are perfect. No one is perfect.  So quit expecting us to be perfect, and call us out when we are acting un-Christ-like.  Instead of judging us, you might help us to be more like Jesus, which is really our goal. 

I want to know you, and love you for who you are, and have a relationship with you.  I want you to know and have a relationship with Jesus.  If you can start with the first sentence, and realize I might screw up, then let's be friends.  I want to show you what the grace of God has done for me. 

Its beggining to look a lot like Christmas

So guess I gave in and we got a REAL LIVE tree! 

Ever since Thanksgiving week, I have been waking Jeramy up for school.  It has been very rewarding as I have been able to see him and be more involved in his life.  We are really starting to bond.  Just the other night he said he maybe wanted to be an x-ray tech when he grows up.  That just makes me grin from ear to ear.  Not that he wants to be an x-ray tech, but that he wants to be like me. =D

I have given so much of myself to bring him home, and although we are got going to have "Christmas" Day with Jeramy(he will be with his mom), I really am enjoying our first Christmas together.  I never knew that Christmas could be so wonderful, at least my adult self never did. 

I truly look forward to opening gifts and singing carols and decking the halls and all that.  I assure you that no one has slipped anything in my drink!  I think perhaps that my Christmas wishes have all been met.  I have a wonderful husband, whom I respect and cherish.  And now, this year... a beautiful, bouncy, loving, smart, fun 7 year old boy.

Today when we were driving home with the tree, we were talking about my mom, and then her song came on the radio.  I knew then that Mom was smiling down on us, and she was being a part of this Christmas after all.  I told Jeramy my mom would have really loved him.  I just think he is the neatest kid ever.

Also, we are working on a gingerbread house (I need to get an ingredient to fix the icing) which is really cool because I have never done it before.  I also got Jeramy an advent calender, which is fun, and I don't remember having one. 

Tonight I read him "The Littlest Angel" which I don't remember much other than it was a book I drew a picture from in kindergarten.  It was about a gift for baby Jesus.  So then Jeramy wanted me to read him some stuff about Jesus.  I got out "The Voice" version of the Bible, and read from Luke.  The Christmas story... actually I think I got all the way through Luke 5 before he fell asleep.  The Voice is wonderful to read aloud, and it really makes the story understandable as well as beautiful. I see Jeramy starting to get it, and understand the story, which is cool.

I am just so excited with how much we are growing as a family, and hope that it never stops.  I also hope to always delight in it!

Love you so much Jeramy. 

Now Dave, get better and this Christmas will be great!

The One Way Plate: Ponderings on Jesus and scripture and me

 So, I am trying to get back into the habit of connecting with God and scripture on a daily basis.  One of the ways I will do this is by reading a handy dandy devotional I got at Goodwill.  "Praying with Jesus" by Eugene Peterson.  I like how its small and short, and while I never really got into devotionals that aren't down-right deep studies before, this one seems to fit my plate. 

For those of you who know me, you know that I have had a very full plate lately.  Very full.  So full in fact it kind of upset my psychiatrist, or at least that is what I saw.  I had been doing so well, and I was taking on too much.  So much so that I was losing control of my life.  Now  I have read somewhere that God is supposed to be the plate, not just something I put on the plate.  This is an attempt for me to remember the plate is still there underneath all the other stuff.  I want to gnaw on it all day, remember scripture as the plate gets hard to carry.

Some days I cannot even fathom to connect or understand what I read.  Its like I read the words, but they went in one eye and out the other, I just can't remember them.  Some days it hits me over the head again and again and again.  I want to connect so desperately to my God, my Creator and Sustainer.  Lord help me to always remember you.

today's verse to chew on:

John 16: 8 "And He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment;"

Oh how too often the world tells us how things should be and who did what wrong and how.  Oh how I am always so very guilty in assuming I know what is right and judging people at first glance.  I am the secret psycho analyst, analyzing everyone and why they have the problems they do.  (Not that I know how to fix it other than lots of therapy with a professional, and possible pharmaceutical intervention.)

I need to be reminded daily that the world will be judged by the standard of God, and the only ones to excape the punishment are the ones that have Jesus taking on their sins.

No matter what you believe, I know this is true, one way statement: the only way to Heaven is through Christ Jesus, and I am not afraid to say it.  I am afraid that you might try to persecute me, but I will just have to deal.  Its not me you are persecuting, its my God, so whom shall I fear? 

Me, yes, I need to change my ways.  I am supposed to reflect Christ, and so I beg for help and forgiveness.  But I also know that since God is the plate, He is not just carrying my load, he is carrying me... I am on that plate.  I know that I need to stop trying to play waitress and just enjoy the feast.

There is so much in this world that needs love and yet thinks they are all alone, or that they are the plate.  And you know that just brings no answers, no hope.  But there is hope.  Never give up, never surrender... except to the Lord.

Thankfulness

I have so many reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving.  Lets start with my salvation in Christ Jesus.  I won't delve in, just need to list that first.  Without Jesus, none of this would be possible, and who would I truly be thankful to??

God has blessed me with so much, and family has to be first.  My family has expanded exponentially this year, and all of the drama and heartache has been worth it.  All of it.  There is no greater joy in this world than the giggle of that child, my child, happy in his family.

I am especially thankful for my friends who are my extended family.  So many of you have stepped up to love me, tell me the truth, hug me, hold me and let me cry.  For some its just a text or note on Facebook or voicemail that came at just the right time.  For some it has been physical and/or financial sacrifice.  For many it has been hours upon hours of fervent prayer.  I have gotten more love, forgiveness, and undeserving grace this year from all of you than I could ever deserve.  Thank you.

I need to separately list my sister Megan.  Megan has come to stand beside me, in every way possible this year.  Loving me, praying for me, sacrificing financially, and giving me big sister advice (she is older than me spiritually, and that wisdom can count more than time).  Megan and I used to be far apart, and now that we are reunited in our hearts, we grow closer all the time.  Meggie, you truly are a blessing.  I love you Boo!

Of course there is Dave.  I have to list Dave separately.  Why? Because we are one, he is my partner.  I have had more love and support from him than I deserve.  More grace than I deserve.  More respect than I have earned.  Dave is strong when I am not, and always brings me back to what is important.  The man has more wisdom than I can shake a fist at, and every single time I watch him with Jeramy I am blown away at just how fantastic a father he truly is.  I love you so much Dave. 

Of course if I started listing people one by one, I would never get any Turkey.  Just know that each and every single one of you is loved, cherished, thought of, and prayed for today and most every day.

My God is the God of seasons

Our God is a God of seasons. He created time and seasons for a reason.  What happens when you wear shorts and a tank top in the winter? You freeze.  What happens when you try to plant in the fall? Your plants die.  Unless you plant bulbs... but they have to sit there underground all winter, right?  (I am not much of a green thumb type person.)

And so I find myself trying to figure out just exactly what is going on in my life, where I am at and what my next steps are.

What I thought was spring, was just an indian summer.  You see, harvest has come.  I have been reaped. Its a violent thing, the harvest. Believe me my blessings are plenty, and I have much to be thankful for.  I believe God is the Great Farmer and we are called to be farmers, so as a farmer I need to do what is prudent at this time.

Look what I found on Wikipedia under the heading Agriculture:

Cropping systems vary among farms depending on the available resources and constraints; geography and climate of the farm; government policy; economic, social and political pressures; and the philosophy and culture of the farmer.^[34][35] Shifting cultivation (or slash and burn) is a system in which forests are burnt, releasing nutrients to support cultivation of annual and then perennial crops for a period of several years. Then the plot is left fallow to regrow forest, and the farmer moves to a new plot, returning after many more years (10-20). This fallow period is shortened if population density grows, requiring the input of nutrients (fertilizer or manure) and some manual pest control. Annual cultivation is the next phase of intensity in which there is no fallow period. This requires even greater nutrient and pest control inputs.

So, it looks like exactly what I thought.  My soil needs a season to lay fallow and/or requires the input of nutrients and pest control.  Looks like I need to rest, nourish, and set some boundaries.  And as full as my plate has been recently, it looks like I need a lot of that.

And I need your help.  Love me, feed me, and don't let me hide in a damn cave.  Winter seems like a great time to cuddle up with some good friends and tell a story by the fire, doesn't it.  I am not gonna work so darn hard to prove anything, I know I am loved, and no matter how much I am hurting, God is still God, and he is still in control.  And nothing can separate me from his love.

From Wikipedia under Shifting Cultivation:

Fallow fields are not unproductive. During the fallow period, shifting cultivators use the successive vegetation species widely for timber for fencing and construction, firewood, thatching, ropes, clothing, tools, carrying devices and medicines. It is common for fruit and nut trees in fallows to be planted in fallow fields to the extent that parts of some fallows are in fact orchards. Soil-enhancing shrub or tree species may be planted or protected from slashing or burning in fallows. Many of these species have been shown to fix nitrogen. Fallows commonly contain plants that attract birds and animals and are important for hunting. But perhaps most importantly, tree fallows protect soil against physical erosion and draw nutrients to the surface from deep in the soil profile.

So I know its not doing nothing...  Perhaps in the spring, I might plant something different, who knows?  I just know that the crop I have been planting is done...  for this season.  Time to take a break, and enjoy winter.  Actually enjoy something I have hated for years.  Yes, I have hated winter.  This year I choose to embrace it.

 Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

 ¹ There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:
 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

"Desert Song" by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
And weakness or trial or pain
There is faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me lord through the flames

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conquerer and co-heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have reason to worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and he is here

And this is my prayer in the harvest
And favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I receive I will sow

The Problem with Pain

You know how you make a stupid mistake and you realize it while its happening?  Well lucky me sits here a victim of my own stupidity.  Today I ordered giardinara on my panini.  Wouldn't have been such a big deal, except that yesterday I had it on my sandwhich at Potbelly.  Giardinara often messes with my stomach, but I love the heat, so I often try other ways.  Sport peppers I seem to do great with.  Dummy me asked for giardinara.

Tonight I sit with at least 5 sores in my swollen mouth.  I never get sores in my mouth.  AND, my stomach was yelling at me all night.  Thank God I take Nexium otherwise I would be in burning agony, not just pain and mild cramping.

Then I thank God for the local mouth numbing medicine we have tubes of in our cabinet.  It was only when I got it on I realized just how badly swollen the inside of my mouth is.

We do stuff like that, make bad mistakes because we love how it tastes.  And then to deal with the consequences, we numb it, block it, reduce it, push it away.  How lovely is that, to be able to do that?  We have gotten so used to not facing the consequences of our actions that we continue to act stupidly.

I am the world's biggest example of that.  But this isn't confession to the world time.  I just wish I could stop myself from making those mistakes while I make them.  You see, because one day its gonna catch up with me.  One day I will regret not making wiser choices.  I am already making those wishes as I try to teach my children not to make the same mistakes I did.

Yet I ignored my mother when she did the same for me.  In fact, I often pushed her away.  And it hurts.  It hurts because I won't be able to apologize to her.  It hurts because I have to deal with deeper consequences of my actions instead of the skin deep ones I started making while ignoring mom.

Have some more Ambesol... 

See, God realizes these things.  He knows that we will choose to do stuff against his will for us, but we do it anyways.  And just like it hurts me to see people I love making mistakes I have made and warned them against.... it hurts God just as much when we ignore him.

But he understands us, after all God created us.  He knew we would mess up, he knew we would make bad choices, that is life, and since the apple was bitten, we all deal with the fall.  We all choose.  We don't always make the best choice.  But someone did.  Jesus did.  Jesus didn't fight when they whipped him and spit at him.  He took it.  He took it because he was taking it for us.  He hung up on a cross naked and beaten to take the punishment for our choices. 

Could you imagine someone taking the consequences to your bad decisions?  I can't. 

Jesus takes on all of our sin, and that makes me want to stop making bad choices. 

I still do.  But I am working on it, and accepting the Grace of the one who knows.

Inside out, Jesus you turn me, upside down, and round and round....

Continuing on the Journey of all things changing, nothing staying the same... Yet all things are still the same externally, my heart and mind are going through things which will influence my physical actions.  Anyway, I want to blog out some things and work through them, "so pardon me while I burst."

So I have moved on to reading Shane Claiborne's "The Irresistible Revolution" and wow.  Shane is my age, and he chose to chase after Christianity and got to experience working with Mother Teresa in Calcutta (of course while he was doing this, my life was in bad shape and I was far from Christ.)  He followed his visit to Calcutta with a semester at Wheaton College and an internship at Willow Creek.  He was in my town.  He says in his book "I must say Wheaton wasn't the easiest place to be." After which my sister (whom I borrowed the book from) wrote HA!!!  I know he was referring to the college, but for us, its the town we grew up in.

Wheaton is full of churches.  It is the church capitol of DuPage county and you can't drive around much without running into a church.  But oh how spiritually dead it is.  And at the time Shane was here, there was still a dancing ban at the college!  (I will never forget dancing at the college to worship God and thinking how much this would piss some people off- and it was Matt Redmond's doing.  I would swear the balcony would fall down!)  Now there are some people truly searching God, there always are, but the reality is that Wheaton is just another suburban town centered around appearances and bigger and better homes.  Even in the neighborhood I grew up in, mansions are replacing older homes at an alarming rate.  (well alarming to me anyway.)

What gets me always when I think about how cozy our little area is, and as I watch cars drive down streets that could support an entire village for a few years with the cost of them, is how damn selfish we are.  I felt this before Shane's book, and to be honest, I am glad to see others feel it too.

Shane noticed the difference between the poor in Calcutta and in the suburbs.  The people in Calcutta had no money, the suburbanites were spiritually poor. "The more I read the Bible, the more I felt my comfortable life interrupted." Yes, that is exactly how I felt.  Shane says how much he "long[s] for the Calcutta slums to meet the Chicago suburbs, for lepers to meet landowners and for each to see God's image in the other.  Its no wonder that the footsteps of Jesus lead from the tax collectors to the lepers.  I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning.  And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end." emphasis mine.

Call me a revolutionary, but I am only following in the footsteps of the one who saved me.  Jesus.

So what does this mean? Where do we go from here? Its the question we all must wrestle with.  And so I leave you with a quote from the late great Mamma T (Mother Teresa). "We can do no great things, just small things with great love.  It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it."

From this moment on

We all know those moments in time where things will change forever.  The day we take the wedding vows, the day you find out the test results, the day the phone rings with unbearable news.  Well this weekend, God reached down and touched my heart, my marriage, my family.

My sister invited Dave and I up for a marriage conference at her church.  She offered to pay the way for Dave and I as well as watch Jeramy.  Not only that, she offered to pay for our gas and meals!  How awesome was that?  So I took Friday off of work and we drove up to Wisconsin after school.  I should have looked at the construction on the Interstates, because it seemed like it took us forever to get up there.  Especially when Jeramy asked every fifteen minutes.  This was his first trip up to visit his Aunt Megan in Wisconsin, and see Lake Michigan.  He loved it.

We stayed at the home Megan lives at, with the Reynolds family.  They live down the street from her church, and it saved us a ton of gas and time when the conference got moved to Living Light instead of the other church it was going to be at.  Not only that, but the Reynolds helped us to feel at home, and they were extremely gracious hosts, full of love and hospitality.  Their two children are darling, and full of love and energy.  We had a comfortable bed, a hot shower, hot coffee (even had my creamer!) and good food and atmosphere!

I have been looking forward to this weekend with anticipation, knowing that things would be different.  Would my behavior change, my attitude?  I wasn't sure, but much like the woman in the Bible who bled for 8 years, I was hurting and waiting for an opportunity to touch Jesus.  I knew that Jesus would be there this weekend, and that things would be different.  I just wasn't sure how.

A few weeks ago Celebrate the Journey had a healing service, it was awesome and much was healed and repaired there.  It was like preparing the way.  This weekend I had heart surgery.  God showed me how things were wrong in my heart, and I opened up for him to come and repair it.  And I surrendered.  I gave Jesus all of the chaos, all of my mistakes, all of my past, all of my pain.  And he took it.

I am lighter in spirit now.  Heavier with the right spirit might be more appropriate.  The dark clouds are completely gone from me.  Now is a very critical time in my life, because once you sweep a house clean of bad spirit, you need to fill it with the right spirit, the Holy Spirit. 

Often we talk alot about God the Father, or Jesus the Son, but there is three parts to Trinity. God the Spirit, the Comforter, Counselor, Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit.  Jesus left the earth so that the Comforter might come.  Oh come Emmanuel, God with us.  And He is.  He knocked, and I opened the door.

I have been quite aware of the Holy Spirit for much a long time, and trying to be obedient to its call.  But I had just been keeping it on my friends list like an acquaintance, hanging out with Him when I needed to.  Not anymore.  I need Him constantly, and this weekend, He moved into my heart, for good, to stay.

I am excited to see how He is moving in my husband.  I know Dave was touched and changed as well.  I also know I must wait for the words to come to him to describe it, let him ponder it a while.  God so very much has control over it, and I worry not.

There are many things that are going on in my heart, and that is just one.  If you know me at all, I always have lots going on.  That's just me.  But you see they are all just strings in this beautiful tapestry that I am letting God weave of my life.

I finished Monkey and the Fish, and have moved on to Irresistible Revolution (Shane Claiborne), and a Swindoll book on Grace.  I am inspired to change the way I live my life.  I am not sure what that looks like, but I know that this weekend is just a marker in what begins a new season for me, my marriage, and my family. 

Spring arrives to heal the ground.

I'm melting!!! Melting!!! (aka: turning into a liquid)

So today I dove into the Monkey and the Fish.  I was delighted. I was challenged.

Dave Gibbons tells a bit of his story as the book progresses, about how he had this huge church in the OC with lots of attenders yet he was missing the presence of God until he went to Thailand.  I love his honesty here.

I started to read things that I knew would be uber challenging to the majority of church attenders, even the majority of pastors in the United States.  Yet they were things that have been deep inside of me for sometime, even before I read the Bible.  I knew that what he was writing was the truth because it almost seemed ingrained into my soul.  I don't know how to describe it other than these things have been on my heart.

What things you ask?  Well, that being a Christian isn't about being comfortable and catering to other middle-class suburban folk.  Its about loving, and embracing those people that make you uncomfortable.    Oh how different the church would be if we actually could love our neighbor (and he also explains all of that!)

Third-culture is the term used here, but what that really means is accepting culture.  I accept and embrace your culture without trying to change it.  Different, right?  Radical love.  Kind of, okay, well exactly like the ministry that Jesus ran when he was on the earth, hanging out with lepers, prostitutes and slimy tax collectors, not the safe folks in the synagogue. 

I love how Gibbons weaves the Bible stories right in to support his claims and beliefs.  I love how he boldly states just exactly how he feels, and his hope for the Church.  I have finished chapter 3, and look forward to diving more deeply into this manifesto for change, and mostly applying it to my life.  I wish to be a monkey no more.

Being a liquid leader is in the subtitle, which is why I said I am melting.  A liquid takes the shape of the object that holds it, so you think about that for a little bit and chew hard.

I have to leave you with this quote, because if I could write a statement off of my heart even before I read this book, I would write this one from page 83:

This is the type of church and kingdom I want to be a part of -- a band of people who are messy, have addictions and shortcomings, make mistakes, get rejected, and are screwed up, but are so fully aware of the Master's grace and love for them in spite of who they are or once were or will be someday; people who embrace discomfort knowing there is so much to be gained for all of us and for all of our churches.  How?  In passionately pursing a biblical love for those whom the Bible defines as a neighbor.

The Monkey and the Fish

So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.

Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

- An Eastern Parable

My heart heart still sinks reading this.

I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.

Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.

Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed

Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.

I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.

But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.

Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.

It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.

Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.

I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.

So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.

My Story Story

I had a tremendous opportunity to attend a pretty awesome Christian conference called Story on October 28th. For FREE!!! I got hooked up to serve at the conference at registration. After registration, we were free to attend the conference. I was psyched, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit Storychicago.com.

This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.

I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.

I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.

I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.

I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.

And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.

This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.

I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.

I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.

some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.

He-Man and the Holy Spirit

2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (English Standard Version)

God of All Comfort

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. ¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

I have really been pondering a few words over the last couple years. They are synonym pairs. Meaning they sound alike but have different meanings. Wholly and Holy is one pair. Rain and Reign is another. In my journal I wrote out (after reading the above passage) that God uses rain in your life so that he can reign your life. You must become wholly God's before you can become holy. It has to rain before you give yourself wholly, and He must reign before you become holy.

Did I just confuse you? How does that make you feel? Do you agree or disagree?

Lately the sin of pride has taken over my life. If you ask anyone that knows me they will likely say I am not a prideful person. See, but I have stopped reaching out and asking for help. I still find it hard. I even thought I needed to handle some stuff on my own that no human can handle. I needed to surrender to the cross, but my pride wouldn't let me. I so wanted to fix it on my own. Or, I wanted my husband to fix it. Or I wanted someone else to fix it. Not God. He was too busy, and we need to do our work.

Oye, Shelley don't you remember that it is by grace we have been saved through faith, not by works so that none may boast?

I need to let that grace rain down into my life. I need to let that grace reign my life. (Todd Agnew in my head) I need to let Jesus reign my life. I surrender ALL. I desire to be wholly yours God. (David Crowder now runs in that space... I am holy, holy, wholly yours)

Why do I keep trying to grab the reigns back from God. Why can't I just let go and let Jesus take the wheel? (Carrie Underwood running in my head now) What is stopping me? Pride. (silence.)

Seriously God, I need you right now more than ever. Now and again I seem to forget that I am only dust. Now and again I seem to think I have the power, when in reality I am powerless. In reality, I am a dweeb like prince Eric and it is only by the power of your Holy Spirit that I can become He-Man (not the power of Greyskull.) You are the only one who can give me this strength. (don't tell me you are putting a sword above your head saying "by the power of Jesus!" in your head right now, because I am and that is just too funny.) I am trying to be serious. I am serious. I need you.

I need you Jesus
to come to my rescue
where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved
capture me with grace
and I will follow you...

this world has nothing for me...

US magazine, Baseball Cards and Pokemon

Everyone has their obsession.

Do you need to check the score of the game? Do you need to watch the game? Do you follow a team? Do you follow certain players? Do you collect their cards, books, or movies?

How about celebrities? Do you need that new issue of People, InTouch or US Weekly? I know some people really do care about Michael Jackson's kids, or Brangelina Pitt, but I could care less. They are normal people like you and me, and if you quit following them around with a camera, they might have a chance at not screwing up their lives so much.

Kids collect everything having to do with their favorite character. Spiderman underpants, t-shirts, video games, movies, books, towels, soap, socks, sheets and .... oh yeah action figures. Or how about Pokemon? I don't know too much about it, its a Japanese cartoon based on a card game, or vice versa, where the object is "gotta catch em all!"

Well, I have been trying to get through this "pastor" obsession that I have. Then it hit me just the other day. My love for other churches and pastors is no different for how some people follow baseball teams and celebrities. I get kinda star struck when the name "Perry Noble" gets mentioned. To be honest, if given a choice between meeting Perry or Brad Pitt, I would pick Pastor P without any hesitation. I love his sermons, I love his preaching, I love his honesty, I love his blog. He would be an awesome guy to sit down and chat with.

"Dave Ferguson" is another name that I love. He is my local celebrity pastor whom I love, pray for him and his family, read his blog and root for. He also happens to be one of the guys that started the church I attend. Here's the kicker: he knows who I am, he knows my name, by sight. That overwhelms me sometimes, but then I get hit in the forehead by my own hand.

Jesus is the most Famous One of them all. He knows your name, he knows the very number of hairs on your head, in fact, he knit you together in your mother's womb. The creator of the universe, He knows you and loves you and wants a relationship with you. If you wanna start dropping names, start and end with that one.

Okay, so I still wonder if my fondness for pastors isn't weird, but at least every once and a while I can be thankful that Jesus loves us no matter how screwed up we are. If I am gonna have my home team be the Jesus team, the Jesus mission, then so be it. Winner every time, guaranteed.

Commitment

The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.

Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.

What does it mean to make a commitment to God?

See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?

When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"

Sounds like I am being selfish.

God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.

So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?

By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.

Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.

What is so scary for me?

I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.

God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.

Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.

This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)

Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.

What are you gonna commit to?

Its alright

I don't know where I would be without people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am headed for destruction.

They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."

So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.

So, here is how I need help:

• Moms and Dads: do you have suggestions for a reward and punishment system that works?

• Anyone want to clean my house for me? Serious here.
  

• I need some moms to talk to because I am really new at this and I feel what I am going through is not normal, when people keep telling me that it is. Lets have coffee!
  

• I need major help with my budget and I mean major

I am sure there are a million more ways, but these are the major ones. Now I better get in the shower because there is work to be done.

Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:


Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont

There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say

Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right

Jackasses and Twitter

Recently on Twitter: When we fail to listen to the prophets, God has to send in the jackasses (Numbers 22) Via @BenArment

So I was sitting down trying to do my new study for my new group when I popped in on Twitter. Now, mind you this is Day 2 of Modern Girls Bible study by Jen Hatmaker, and her theme for the day is asking God to point out the wrong things you do in Bible study. I know this passage from Numbers, it is quite a famous one with my husband. Balaam's ass was his favorite passage because he got to say the word ass in a Bible group. Like long ago when he was in jr. high or high school. Most translations use the word donkey, especially the kid friendly ones, but oh no, Dave's group was using like RSV or something like that.

See, what I heard from God, what I got was how stubborn I was. Most people know that donkeys (jackasses) are famous for being stubborn. But you see the whole story in Numbers was about how stubborn Balaam was that he didn't realize that his donkey was trying to keep him from danger. Balaam was going the wrong way, and he was so determined in doing so he beat his donkey for not obeying. Finally God gave the donkey the ability to talk because it was quite obvious that Balaam (a prophet) was not listening to God at the time. God had to talk through the donkey to reach someone who normally talks to God. Pay attention here, or you will feel like the jackass.

And that is what God has been saying to me: Hey, jackass, listen up, because I have been trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Because I might have to stop you and make you listen by any means necessary. I might have to humble you so badly that you feel like a giant jackass.

Of course at this point, I kind of do. Okay God, what is it?
Well you know well yourself how I keep showing you things and yet you refuse to listen, you refuse to let go of your past, of your preconceptions of yourself. I made you. I made you to be good at this, and I will keep having you do this for the rest of your life. If you don't let me use you there will only be more strife in your life, you will only get more beaten like Balaam's ass until you figure out to just let go.

How do I let go? How do I stop?
Listen to me. I already do. Yes, but I mean listen to me and only to me. Stop listening to the voice in your head that says you are not good enough. Stop listening to the world and Twitter and Facebook when you are supposed to be listening to me. Stop caring about where you will get your food and clothes and how you will be taken care of you see me taking care of others, you know my word in your heart yet you continue to worry, and you continue to work as if it all depends on you. Don't you get it? Don't you see? Do I have to take it all away from you before you believe me? You beg me in prayer not to do so, but you keep acting as if you want me to do it.

Okay so I need to let go, and let God. I get it.
No, you need to let go of what you want to do, and DO what I want you to do. You claim you want to be my humble servant and you do so with others no problem, but when it comes to serving me for what I want to do in your life with you and your family, you don't. Don't you know that you deserve what I have for you? Don't you know that I love you with the same passion that you see me loving others with. Listen to me. Accept my love for you. Do for you as I command you do. Don't you know that you deserve the same love and so much more. I love you, I have plans for you to prosper and not to perish. You know this, you know this my dear precious child how much I love you. Please child, please. Take care of you.

And so it goes. I must plan to take care of me. Somewhere deep inside I need to practice what I preach. I need to take care of me. I need to accept his love and his correction because of his love. Oh now if I can do this, I might lose the jackass label and be able to twitter about my freedom.

Catching up on the things in my head

I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.

Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.

I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.

As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.

Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.

I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.

I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.

Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.

I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.

I wrote this Sunday night...

Its after 2am and I am still awake.
Today was phenomenal. My heart just trembled as I swept my eyes up and down the hill. "Wow, this is unbelievable!" I believe it was just a glimpse of a sliver of heaven.

Shortly after I started coming to CCC, there was an all campus picnic. I hardly knew anyone, and spotted the pastors to keep entertained.

My how times have changed...

Today I didn't go a moment without seeing people I knew, and I lost count of how many meaningful hugs I imparted to dear friends. Sometimes all I could do was wave hello as they passed by.

Talk about IMPACT...

I was a lonely soul looking for significance and meaning in my life. Through COMMUNITY I have been able to connect to tons of people, celebrate my life instead of wallow in depression, and contribute to helping other people find their way back to God. I have found great love from God and can't help but want others to know the change, the resurrection life he has given to me is available to them as well

As I think and pray about what's next for me and my family, I can't help but to praise God for Community Christian Church and the impact it has had on my life. . Its people have become my extended family that has supported me and my family through some of the roughest years of our lives. I have learned and grown so much, I often find myself amazed!

I hope that I am able to pass on the great love that COMMUNITY has and continues to show me.

and this too

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

What God is speaking to me right now

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame

You say
One love
One life
When its one need
In the night
Its one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you dont care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well its too late
Tonight
To drag tha past out
Into the light
We're one
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come tor raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now its all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I cant be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other

One

One.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is...

So I am sitting in THE OFFICE where all the cool people work. Where the staff at Community churns out the good stuff. Where Lupe keeps everyone from blowing up the printers and copiers.
I have been doing work for Celebrate the Journey, helping get ready for launch. With my limited abilities, and the grace of Lupe, I have made nametags, maps, signup sheets, and the sorts. I have gotten a free lunch. I have said hi to people that I admire. I got to hear about a signed lease.

I feel like a dork writing about this.

But I am just enjoying being where church happens.

You see, I get super excited to be a part of where God is working at. And he certainly is moving here at COMMUNITY. And while I may sometimes feel like the quiet stalker type because I follow everyone on their blogs and facebook and twitter, today I get to be a part of it. For just one day. For now.

God has big plans to use me, and he is calling me to step up to the plate. And like it. I love it.

10 things to ponder over the next week or so.

I was going to send this out in an email to folks, but recently I am trying to shy away from that. People tend to take offense to mass mailings and they might be offended by me.

What a better place to reach out to folks who want to read it than my blog. Likely if you read my blog, you don't delete my emails. Maybe you are just a Shelley stalker and you want to know what is going on in my life.

I am going to post from Perry Noble's blog. www.PerryNoble.com (in dark red letters)
This man is truly annointed and hears from God and is not afraid to speak the truth. I love that about him. I also love his southern accent, which makes all sermons easier to listen to.

A new season is beginning, I will be leading a group, as well as taking part in a retreat for Extraordinary Women, and things are just getting started.

I believe that the church is the hope of the world. I believe if Christians actually stopped judging people and started loving people like Jesus did, then we can see some real change in this world. I believe this is the beginning of a revival. They always start up early century, my grandfather was "saved" during one, and I am sure that Billy Sunday would be proud of what I desire in life.

In the meantime, take note that I am seriously devoted to these questions and hope that you consider them as well. God is so big, we need to stop putting him in a box.

In writing my testimony, I had to stop giving details about me, and start boasting about what Christ has done through me. Its all about God... anyway I hope to have my rough draft done this week.

God has been both encouraging and destroying me in my journey through the Psalms lately…and the other morning I began to write down some leadership questions that I always want to keep in front of me.

#1 – Will I Live In Fear Of God Or Man? Psalm 60:4

When I see who God is I am ruined! (Isaiah 6:1-8.) BUT…when I fear the opinions of man I will allow His vision that He has placed inside of me to be hijacked…and that will destroy me as a leader (Proverbs 29:25).

#2 – Am I Desperate For His Voice? Psalm 60:6

The answer to this would obviously be yes…if it were not for the word “desperate!” So many times I think we all say we want to hear Him…but the dangerous side of momentum is that, many times, things begin to go so well we no longer think we need to be “desperate” for Him…just an occasional “help me” prayer will do!

#3 – Am I Trusting Him To Provide For His Church? Psalm 65:9-13

God will take care of His bride…we are called to handle money responsibly, but I don’t ever seen an instance where He instructs us to worry about it!

#4 – Am I Desiring Average Or Awesome? Psalm 66:5

As I read through the Bible (especially the book of Acts) I seriously doubt that God’s desire for the church was to be a sub par organization for really nice people who occasionally do some good things. I believe His church should be a place where people can say, “what is happening there is SUPER-natural! ONLY God could have done THAT!” It’s so sad when the church shoots for “average” and has the vision to accomplish the lowest common denominator when we have a God who is capable of so much more.

#5 – Is There Anything Happening In My Life Privately That, If It Became Public, Would Disqualify Me From Ministry? Psalm 66:18-19, Psalm 69:6

I tweeted last week, “If we don’t make integrity an issue…then one day it WILL be an issue!” The stakes are too high for church leaders to live “private lives” that mock God and not expect Him to expose them. We’ve GOT to do whatever it takes to make integrity a priority in our lives!

#6 – Am I Wanting His Salvation Or The Name Of My Church To Be Known? (Psalm 67:1-2)

This is a hard question that I feel we must ALL wrestle to the ground because, when God begins blessing a church, many times a leader will slip into thinking the blessing is so that the leader can become more known RATHER than making the name of Christ known. Leaders don’t talk about this…but everyone who has experienced any level of success in ministry has had to fight this battle. It is one that will always be around…which is why a thankful heart and an intense focus on Jesus is essential for success over the long haul!

#7 – Will I Speak His Truth? (Psalm 68:11)

God has spoken…He’s just looking for people who are brave enough to declare His Word without watering it down…and care enough about His Word to handle it correctly.

#8 – Do I Really Believe He Saves People? (Psalm 68:20)

If I do…then the GOSPEL will govern my leadership and my preaching! AND…inviting people to give their lives to Christ will not seem like a hindrance but rather an HONOR!

#9 – Is My Passion For His Church Increasing Or Decreasing? (Psalm 69:9)

If I am not careful the passion He has placed in my heart can begin to fade away…which is why I NEED time with Him, proper rest and the right people around me to make sure what needs to happen happens! (BTW…the environment you are in will either pour gasoline or water on the fire that is inside of you–what type of environment are you in?) Jesus doesn’t use apathetic people to change the world–but people full of passion!

#10 – Do I Believe The Churches Best Days Are Ahead Of Her Or Behind Her? (Psalm 69:34-36)

If I believe the best is behind us…I will work to maintain. If I believe the best is ahead…I will work to achieve all that I believe He has planned!

Leadership Summit - reflections

It has almost been a week since the Leadership Summit.

It was an emotionally exhausting two days, not to mention getting there so early (hey for a second shifter 7 am is rough!) While I was not at my normal job, I felt more tired, more spent, and more abused. It was great!

Here are some of my reflections from the event:

1. It is very hard for me to sit still. Especially on a chair. I sat on the steps mostly when I did sit. My back and legs were exhausted, and I am still limping. I am not the type who can sit still for long. While I love the information, I don't like to be pinned down. I moved around a lot. Good thing I move for a living.

2. I love to serve, and I love to serve church leaders. I really enjoyed just being a greeter and handing stuff out to church leaders. I got to pray for them all as they filed out the door, likely never to be seen again. I got to strike up a relationship with strangers from another state who came down here to learn. I get so energized being around leaders who have the same common purpose as me. I saw a grown man cry and thought it was one of the most wonderful things ever.

3. I got to connect with people. I met folks that are deep into ministry that I have yet to run across as of yet, and shook their hand. I got to tell them I am a huge fan and pray for them. Just being a part of this event was fantastic, and put us on a level ground.

4. There are those that serve just to serve. Running an event requires people who run around and do stuff and don't get to sit in on the event. And they love it. They live to serve. And that just makes me love serving even more. I love it. Jesus loves it.

5. What God is doing in my life, he is doing all over. Hearing what leaders had to share about just confirmed that I am on vibe with the Holy Spirit. God has been summoning me to make changes in the way I think, feel, and live. And he is calling the rest of his body to do the same. I am not alone in what I am going through, and His timing blows my mind.

6. The local church is the hope of the world. This concept is not anything new, but just confirmed more and more every time. I truly believe that we have the resources to eliminate poverty. I truly believed that if we stopped putting up appearances and just started to "be" the church, then the world will change. I wish it didn't take a rock star to open our eyes to that. I keep getting drawn to connect with people who are doing just that... and I am stepping outside of my comfort zone to do so next week.

7. Nothing is impossible with God. While this also is nothing new, its something I often seem to forget. And it was nice to be inspired. To be reminded. Just what I needed to spur some of my own growth. Vision leaks and I just got my bucket topped off. Now I am ready to continue on and do what it is I need to do. I got off my butt, because I am really uncomfortable there anyway, and I am going to keep plugging. There is nothing like being on the winning team!

Putting the cart before the horse

That's me. Classic me. Me when I don't let Jesus drive. You see, I get so ahead of myself, I don't realize why I am not going anywhere. See, Jesus or the Holy Spirit, is the horse. In order for me to really get moving, to really go anywhere, I have to get over myself and put that cart behind the horse. Be nice to the horse, feed it, water it, get to know it, and before you know it, that horse is helping me get wherever it is I need to go, through the mountains if need be.

So here I am, stepping down from the front of the cart. I need to re-arrange how I have it all hooked up, you see I got it backwards.

No one ever taught me how to hook up the cart the right way. I have been doing this all on my own, or under bad influences my whole life. Here I am feeling like an idiot for getting stuck in the mud. Here I am trying to hide under the cart- strike that- coming up from hiding under the cart.

Help me. I can't hook this up alone. I don't know how. I feel so backwards, lost and left behind in this mud. I feel like I can't ever get out and I need help. Help me. Show me how this crazy cart thing works.

Help me. I am buried in debt. I put the wrong things in front of my God, and now I am stuck. I have used this method to get me where I need to go, only to find that that silly horse was pushing me the whole time and now I am covered in mud and I can't ever get out of this mess without help. Maybe I just need to - no - see I got this all messed up. All the tears I cry will never ever clean up all of this mud. WAIT!!!

Jesus, time and time again you pull me out of this pit I seem to get myself into. Time and time again you wash me clean. I know you won't ever stop, but every time I let myself get into a pit, it seems to be deeper and muddier. But its not. I just was never so clean before, that any mud is just so much more noticeable. Really the mud wants me to think that it will be harder to remove, but it isn't.

See, once I was familiar with the mud, but every time Jesus washes me clean, I forget it. And for some reason this mud sneaks back on me, perhaps because of my cart arrangement.

Well, lets see what happens now, because I am throwing my hands up in the air to the Maker. I am letting go of all I ever knew to see if maybe He can sort out this mess.

For Nothing is Impossible with God

I finally decided what I want my tattoo to say. I have only been wanting one forever. I just need to decide where I want it and what it will look like. I know this: I have to be able to see it. What fun is putting something on you that you can't see?
I also want it to be a reminder so that I don't ever ever forget. I think I might want to have an artist competition, or maybe just have my kindred spirit JJ design it, or maybe just the tattoo artist. I am thinking of somehow incorporating my moms drawing(scroll to very bottom of blog to see said drawing), but the more I look at it, the more the drawing doesn't belong on me. Maybe it can have green and leaves incorporated in memory of her, and all of the growing I have been doing.
My husband is not too keen on tattoos. Which is cool, but he also knows what this means to me. I am not just getting a tat to get a tat. Its not some crazy cartoon. See while my God does not require me to mark myself, I desire to remember, to build a monument to his great works. When people ask, I want to tell them of the marvelous things he has done in my life.
1. Save my sister, 2. reunite my family, 3. soften the hardest of hearts (moms and mine), 4. hooked me up with Dave, 5. Given me the best family ever; 6. Jeramy, 7. Cassie, 8. Paul, and there is so much more coming. He is gonna blow me out of the water with!

God always blows my mind. Like, I expected his corpse to be in the grave, but he's not there, he has risen. He has defeated death. I have such a limit on him sometimes, but I shouldn't you see, for nothing is impossible with God.

Prayer Answered

Yesterday morning, I prayed that God would show me something new in the Bible for that day. I felt like I had read Luke a million times, so I needed to pay attention, and I really wanted to apply something new.

So Jesus sends out the 12 for missions and he tells them to settle in one house and work out of there. He didn't want the missionaries bouncing from house to house seeing who would be the best hosts, he just wanted them to focus on their mission.

SMACK! I need to quit dreaming of a bigger house and how that will happen and use the place (2 bedroom 1 bath condo) I have now to do the ministry I am called to do. God placed me here for a reason.

God told me that it is not about how big the house is, but how big the love is in the house.

The 7-7 club

Tonight was awesome.
I was in anticipation of what God was going to do, and sure enough He blew my mind.
Asking friends how they are can always end up one of two ways. The first way "good" means can't really get into details I have things to do right now. The second is when they actually take their heart out and say whats going on.
"Its the anniversary of my mom's death" is what I got today.

Gee, really, cuz its the anniversary of my mom's death too. Funny thing.
So we spend a good portion of the night talking, and upon heading downstairs at the end of the night get greeted by someone who really needed a hug.
"My mom died today."

Guess what, you are not alone! So we formed a club called the 7-7 club, and it has nothing to do with 7-up or Seagrams 7, but everything to do with our moms dying on the same date.

So here we are, three women who love God all put together on the same day for the same reason. So we prayed. The 3 of us. 3s and 7s are God numbers you know.

I am really excited to have had the chance to experience this appointment that God set up for us girls. I am really hoping not to have more people in the 7-7 club, but its all about love and supporting one another. Its all about not being alone. Its all about being the body of Christ. Its all about COMMUNITY.

Its all happening.

The Bible is a mirror

Galatians 5: two approaches to religion...

APPROACH ONE:
- What matters to God: Following the rules
- What shows I belong to God: Outer signs of my religion. (In the past: Circumcision. Maybe today: A Christian t-shirt, or a cross around my neck, or a bumper sticker on my car.)
- What I am driven by: The power of my human effort.
- What you'll see in my life if you take a close look: Sexual immorality, hate, selfish ambition, jealousy, drunkeness, putting other things before God

APPROACH TWO:
- What matters to God: Faith
- What shows I belong to God: Serving people in love.
- What I am driven by: The supernatural power of the Holy Spirit.
- What you'll see in my life if you take a close look: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

NOW HERE'S THE QUESTION: And don't give the right answer, give the honest answer... Which of those two approaches more accurately describes you? (And what should you do about that?)

via www.vinceantonucci.com

Evangelism

I need to pray this prayer more often:

Lord, I pray for an opportunity to share my faith with someone in some way. It’s not up to me to decide who or when or where. But I know why. Because you love them and want a relationship with them. So Lord, surprise me with opportunities to share my faith.

Forgive me for trying to do your job for you. You are the one who convicts of sin. You are the one who draws to Christ. But help me do my part as salt and light. Help me see those opportunities to react compassionately or listen patiently or speak kindly. Through word and deed, help me plant seeds of love in the lives of others. Give me boldness when it’s time to speak. Give me restraint when it’s time to listen. Give me words to say. But more importantly, give me ears to hear.

Lord, help me be sensitive to the prompting of your Holy Spirit so I can see the divine appointments you send my way. Help me not to be afraid of questions I cannot answer. Help me not to be afraid of people’s reactions or rejections.

Lord, help me preach the gospel every day, when necessary, with words.

In Jesus name, amen!

via Mark Batterson at www.evotional.com

My stage debut

Okay, I got up and sang on stage today. In front of people. Not to make fun of myself. Not to gain praise for myself. But to praise God.

My friend Tony wanted to do an old school version of "O Happy Day" and needed a choir. When Deb and Tony asked, I thought they were joking.

You see, I am not really the best singer.

But something happens when I am praising God, I mean really praising him. My soul sings. Not me, but my soul.

Someone also handed me a tambourine. I guess I did a pretty darn good job. Especially since we had only one practice.

I am hoping Steve gets it up on Facebook so we can see it.

I had to remember to sing to the crowd. I forgot they were there, I was busy singing to God. Oh and the women on stage I have made friends with and are all lovely people. Everyone accepted me right in.

That touched me deep deep deeeeeeeep inside. The whole experience. I did it! I wasn't self-conscious, I was God conscious. The only pride I took was in my God. And when people said I did a good job, oh that was fun too.

So you have to pardon me, I am on a Holy Spirit high, and pretty filled with joy.

Transformers: more than meets the eye

I was reading in Matthew today and God hit me with a few bricks. One of which is transformation. In Matthew 25 it talks about the sheep and goats. The sheep come before Jesus and are told that they will enter the kingdom because they fed, clothed, and accompanied Jesus. The part that I just got was this: the sheep didn't know that they were doing it. It just was a part of who they were and what they did.

You see, the sheep were transformed so much so, that they didn't think too much about it, it was just who they were. Could you imagine living your life so transformed that Jesus said that you took care of him and you say you had no idea? That means that you take care of everyone as if they were Jesus, and that your nature is so much in line with what God desires for you!

God doesn't ask you to perform works to get into heaven, that's not at all what this is about. What Jesus is saying here is that if you truly love him, you will be transformed so much that it is just your nature, and you can't behave any other way.

So many people I know believe that if they are just a good person they will get into heaven. Jesus is saying that is not the case. He knows, he separates the sheep from the goats. He knows those whose hearts have been transformed. He knows those who put on a show and those who really can't do anything but be good, because its to the core of who they are.

But all have sinned, all fall short of the glory of God, and only Jesus is truly good. However, if you allow Jesus into your heart, and allow Him to transform your life inside and out, He has already finished that work for you on the cross.

Romans 12:12 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

Philippians 3:20-21 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.

What about you? When Jesus separates the sheep from the goats, where will you go? Are you allowing yourself to be transformed?

I am praying that I allow myself to be transformed more and more every day.