Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean its not there

Today Dave and I said goodbye. We said goodbye to our first child. Miscarriage is never easy, but we have been surrounded by love. I wrote about it for the Celebrate the Journey blog. On my own blog I want to write about saying goodbye.

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"Do you have a pen?" I asked my husband. Sure enough, there was one in his pocket. I didn't tell him what for, he knew.

We stopped at the party store for one thing: a single latex balloon. I let Dave pick out the color. He chose a pearlized lavender. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl, and purple seemed not only appropriate, but beautiful. He held the balloon as we drove, preventing it from flapping around.

"Where should we go?" I asked my husband.

"Someplace open," he said.

Together we both spoke, "the Box!" Our hands wrapped around each other with the ribbon from the balloon intertwined.

Matt Redmond played on the stereo "you give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord bless-ed be your name." The sky was beautiful, and the sun was beginning to come down, perfect timing.

A beautiful bird flew over while we were in front of the forest preserve. We were in awe, and watched it until our light turned green.

More Matt Redmond; praising God, I started to cry.

Dave said, "this ride is longer than I thought."

We listened to the music, watched the beautiful sky, occasionally I would cry. Dave looked reflective.

Right when we pulled into the parking lot, I looked over at Dave just as he nuzzled the balloon. For a second, I could have sworn it was a baby.

We wrote on the balloon to "Baby E" then stepped out in front of the water. We rejoined hands, holding onto the string with our union. We said goodbye. One, two, three... we both let go.

The balloon gracefully floated. It quickly had crossed the street, and we could tell that it would not get caught on any lines or wires. Suddenly, I lost sight of it.

"Dave, its gone, its gone!" I cried into his shoulder, bawling.

"Just because you can't see it doesn't mean that it is not there," said my husband.

Goodbye Baby E. See you in heaven!