Living out of sanity

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Two Hands by Jars of Clay

Well the last month has been, well, a struggle to say the least.  Honestly I can say that my depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me.  The song above really lists a lot of how I feel. Pretty much every single word. 

The self I was and the self I am in Christ are battling it out right now.  You might have noticed my lack of status updates on Facebook/Twitter.  Well, I just haven't had anything good to say, I had forgotten much.  Yesterday, I had to run away from myself.  Thank God it was Tuesday.  Celebrate the Journey day.  My one day to come in and say I am broken and people say "that's great! Me too!"  I can feel like total crap coming in, and coming out feel so much better about it later.  I was in a spiral that needed to be broken and I broke it.

In group we talked about doing things our way, and how that doesn't really benefit us, but hinders us.  It was our last meeting as a group, and the leader bought us all cards and had us write a letter to ourselves, so that one day when the Holy Spirit prompts her, she will send them out.  Honestly I don't care if I never get it because I think it was what I needed that night.  That card, that exercise, that group.

I got a phone number from a person whom I love and she wants to be there for me.  I got told that I had taught someone a lot and I should not give up leading.  I got told that my humility and willingness to be lead and learn is a wonderful trait of a good leader.  I hear all of these good things about me, and I remember the joy I once held.  The spark that still resides inside of me as a burning ember waiting to be fanned into flame.

Somewhere inside this darkness and hurt is someone is loves life, and being healthy, and making good choices, and helping others.  Somewhere inside here is a leader with a heart to follow God's will.  Somewhere in here, somewhere...  And I haven't lost hope.  I haven't given up.  God hasn't given up on me, my friends have not given up on me.

Keep praying for me, help me thaw this icy buildup.