I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me. Its true. I love to find books for other people. It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Message for all of my Celebrate the Journey friends
I wasn't there this Tuesday, and I likely won't be there next Tuesday for launch.
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Devil invented the Drive-Thru
The devil has a really simple plot- if he can't keep us from God, he can distract us from making the right choices, thus pulling us further away from him.
The devil's job is to make sin look easy.
Look at TV shows and movies- they tell us the norm is to sleep with everyone you work with and their brother. Have you seen credit card commercials? With the freedom card you can get that pedicure you've been putting off, then splurge on a pair of shoes to match the pedicure, then ah, what the heck why not get the dress to go with the shoes? And stores- we have drive thru food, pharmacy, coffee, and in some areas drive thru liquor stores. I still wonder why McDonalds thought that coming out with a more fattening and more expensive burger was a good move, but I don't think they care about our health or wallets.
What is the hard choice; to stay sober or to have another drink? To give in and gossip or to speak up to stop the cycle? To take the flirting because it feels good and things have been tense at home lately? To sit on Facebook all day or study the Bible? To get your finances in order or spend however you like? To give in to peer pressure or to leave the room and be ridiculed for not doing whatever it is they are doing? To laugh along while they make fun of someone or to stop it? To hit the grocery store and go home to make dinner or to hit the drive thru?
We all face little opportunities in the day in which satan can turn an opportunity to succeed into an opportunity to feel good for a second. You all know what happens when someone brings food in to work? We all have to eat it...
Proverbs 16:
2 Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
God probes for what is good.
25 There's a way that looks harmless enough;
look again—it leads straight to hell.
Be careful the easy path, like Jesus says in Matthew ch 7:
13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
So, here's to all of us, that we make the hard choice, the wise choice, and stick to the narrow road.
The devil's job is to make sin look easy.
Look at TV shows and movies- they tell us the norm is to sleep with everyone you work with and their brother. Have you seen credit card commercials? With the freedom card you can get that pedicure you've been putting off, then splurge on a pair of shoes to match the pedicure, then ah, what the heck why not get the dress to go with the shoes? And stores- we have drive thru food, pharmacy, coffee, and in some areas drive thru liquor stores. I still wonder why McDonalds thought that coming out with a more fattening and more expensive burger was a good move, but I don't think they care about our health or wallets.
What is the hard choice; to stay sober or to have another drink? To give in and gossip or to speak up to stop the cycle? To take the flirting because it feels good and things have been tense at home lately? To sit on Facebook all day or study the Bible? To get your finances in order or spend however you like? To give in to peer pressure or to leave the room and be ridiculed for not doing whatever it is they are doing? To laugh along while they make fun of someone or to stop it? To hit the grocery store and go home to make dinner or to hit the drive thru?
We all face little opportunities in the day in which satan can turn an opportunity to succeed into an opportunity to feel good for a second. You all know what happens when someone brings food in to work? We all have to eat it...
Proverbs 16:
2 Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
God probes for what is good.
25 There's a way that looks harmless enough;
look again—it leads straight to hell.
Be careful the easy path, like Jesus says in Matthew ch 7:
13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
So, here's to all of us, that we make the hard choice, the wise choice, and stick to the narrow road.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
He keeps pursuing me...
The other day, my husband went to pick up our old dog to put her on the bed and she backed away from him. He said "why do you do that Abby? Oh yeah, that's right you are a female and females like to be pursued." Sure enough, the dog was happily placed on the bed to cuddle with us.
Sometimes, I back away from God. I don't mean to do it, its just in my nature. I am a woman after all, and sometimes its just how I am. I walk out of the room to see if you will follow me. Do you really want me? Come and get me. Its almost instinct. It happens so naturally, I can't help it.
Today, God decided to remind me he still loves me. Today, God pursued me. ME!
The day started out your typical manic Monday. The dryer repair guy was coming over. Now I can't say who or for what company because he didn't technically come over. Thanks to the GRACE of GOD the man offered to let me "cancel" before he was there when he saw there was nothing he could do and it was our association that needed to do something. That saved me and our family well over a hundred dollars we didn't necessarily have to spend. When he left I literally got down on my hands and knees in the living room and praised God.
But where was I playing hard to get you ask? Well, after everyone else left, I went back to bed. The alarm went off and I made my coffee and sat down to check my Facebook. Its the new version of checking my email, especially since my email comes straight to my phone. I see what everyone else is doing, and sometimes interact. Previously, I could have spent hours playing games. Not anymore, because I removed several apps that just sucked the time right out of me in a decision to spend more time with God. So I was "done" checking Facebook and should have gone to read my Bible (I want to get back into the habit) but my lazy self said no, lets go watch a show on Hulu instead. (Here, dear reader is when I chose to play hard to get, choosing entertainment over time with my King.)
He got me anyway. I watched Mercy. I don't know if you watch any tv shows or what you watch, but for some reason I have a sick attraction to hospital shows, despite their drastic inaccuracy of portraying medical life. For example has anyone seen an x-ray tech in ER, House, Scrubs? If so you probably only saw some non-descript person pushing a machine, while the doctors do all the work, or erroneously seen the doctors doing the exams themselves. But I digress... I really like Mercy, which is the name of the hospital, but its also a lot what the show is about.
I won't bore you with details, but should you choose to watch it the episode is titled "I saw this pig and thought of you." (They always use really cool lines as episode titles.) It dealt with a lot of stuff that meant something to me, including turning on God and coming back, and as I got in the shower, the closing song rang in my head. Now to truly get why it touched me, you have to watch the episode and know my life. The closing song was special to the episode and went "that's how strong my love is."
Now why I got so choked up, I might not know. I do know that in my heart I heard God telling me that he loves me, and that he ain't giving up on me yet. God telling me that he has got it ALL under control and its going to be okay. Somehow, the sense of me running away made me feel horrible and I cried tears, tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of repentance.
And God keeps showing me how strong He loves me... (which might be a good book title... must google it.)
I learn much about God's love for me by dealing with Jeramy. I am so full of love for that kid. I remind him, especially when he gets in trouble or he is scared, that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I might not like how he behaves, but I will always love him. And God said "Amen." That's how strong the love is, it held my savior to the cross harder than any nails ever could.
Sometimes, I back away from God. I don't mean to do it, its just in my nature. I am a woman after all, and sometimes its just how I am. I walk out of the room to see if you will follow me. Do you really want me? Come and get me. Its almost instinct. It happens so naturally, I can't help it.
Today, God decided to remind me he still loves me. Today, God pursued me. ME!
The day started out your typical manic Monday. The dryer repair guy was coming over. Now I can't say who or for what company because he didn't technically come over. Thanks to the GRACE of GOD the man offered to let me "cancel" before he was there when he saw there was nothing he could do and it was our association that needed to do something. That saved me and our family well over a hundred dollars we didn't necessarily have to spend. When he left I literally got down on my hands and knees in the living room and praised God.
But where was I playing hard to get you ask? Well, after everyone else left, I went back to bed. The alarm went off and I made my coffee and sat down to check my Facebook. Its the new version of checking my email, especially since my email comes straight to my phone. I see what everyone else is doing, and sometimes interact. Previously, I could have spent hours playing games. Not anymore, because I removed several apps that just sucked the time right out of me in a decision to spend more time with God. So I was "done" checking Facebook and should have gone to read my Bible (I want to get back into the habit) but my lazy self said no, lets go watch a show on Hulu instead. (Here, dear reader is when I chose to play hard to get, choosing entertainment over time with my King.)
He got me anyway. I watched Mercy. I don't know if you watch any tv shows or what you watch, but for some reason I have a sick attraction to hospital shows, despite their drastic inaccuracy of portraying medical life. For example has anyone seen an x-ray tech in ER, House, Scrubs? If so you probably only saw some non-descript person pushing a machine, while the doctors do all the work, or erroneously seen the doctors doing the exams themselves. But I digress... I really like Mercy, which is the name of the hospital, but its also a lot what the show is about.
I won't bore you with details, but should you choose to watch it the episode is titled "I saw this pig and thought of you." (They always use really cool lines as episode titles.) It dealt with a lot of stuff that meant something to me, including turning on God and coming back, and as I got in the shower, the closing song rang in my head. Now to truly get why it touched me, you have to watch the episode and know my life. The closing song was special to the episode and went "that's how strong my love is."
Now why I got so choked up, I might not know. I do know that in my heart I heard God telling me that he loves me, and that he ain't giving up on me yet. God telling me that he has got it ALL under control and its going to be okay. Somehow, the sense of me running away made me feel horrible and I cried tears, tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of repentance.
And God keeps showing me how strong He loves me... (which might be a good book title... must google it.)
I learn much about God's love for me by dealing with Jeramy. I am so full of love for that kid. I remind him, especially when he gets in trouble or he is scared, that there is nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I might not like how he behaves, but I will always love him. And God said "Amen." That's how strong the love is, it held my savior to the cross harder than any nails ever could.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Calling MYSELF out
So for some reason, if have been feeling that "new day" feel the last two days. A cloud is lifted. I hope forever, but I will take for now. At least long enough for me to focus on what is important.
It seems in life that whenever I face trouble, doubt, fear, depression, disappointment, etc, it means that I am not facing the all mighty and powerful God, creator of the universe.
So, here I am to roll it out for myself and my God, and lets take it from there. Lets start this off with a blog post from Perry Noble, who always rocks my world in the name of Christ Jesus, and made me post this blog and reflect. Read his blog, then read my reaction after.
I let fear take over. I let fear shake me in my shoes. Why? 2,3,4. Because I took my eyes off of Jesus, saw the storm raging around me and ended up sinking.
One of the NT characters I can closely identify with is Peter. Time and time again I see myself in Peter's shoes. Time and time again I make dumb mistakes. But Jesus forgives me, just like Jesus forgives Peter. And oh the tears I shed when I read about Peter jumping in to swim to shore so he can be with Jesus faster when he realizes he returned.
See, He is always there. I am just not always paying attention.
Forgive me God. The whole reason I felt so far away from you is that, much like your children the Israelites, I got distracted, I forgot your goodness, I got selfish and overwhelmed and full of fear.
And the Lord responds: (Isaiah 54)
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you. 11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a]
your foundations with sapphires. [b]
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.
It seems in life that whenever I face trouble, doubt, fear, depression, disappointment, etc, it means that I am not facing the all mighty and powerful God, creator of the universe.
So, here I am to roll it out for myself and my God, and lets take it from there. Lets start this off with a blog post from Perry Noble, who always rocks my world in the name of Christ Jesus, and made me post this blog and reflect. Read his blog, then read my reaction after.
Four Reasons Why Leaders Stop Leading
#1 – Fear – being a leader does not mean that we will never be in situations that make us shake in our shoes; in fact, it means quite the opposite. When a leader allows the fear of a circumstance to trump the fear of God in his life…he ceases to lead.
#2 – A Desire To Please Everyone – Moses, the greatest leader in the Old Testament, had people ready to kill him on several occasions. After Jesus preached His first sermon people took him to a cliff and wanted to throw him off. (Luke 4:28-30) The Apostle Paul actually had people who traveled from town to town just to persecute him. If Moses, Jesus and Paul could not please everyone…why in the world would anyone think they could. When the shift goes from please “Him” to pleasing “them,” it’s over. You’ve ceased to lead!
#3 – Addiction To Comfort – There is always a price to pay if you want to go to the next level…and so often when that price begins to impact a leaders comfort zone he will back off from leading the charge and slip into cruise control. This type of person refuses to seek advice from other leaders. They refuse to read anything that may be helpful. They refuse to attend any sort of conference that may challenge them. They refuse to believe that there are better, more effective ways to do what they are doing. All because IF they did these things they may have to face CHANGE…which totally blows up comfortability.
#4 – Disconnection From God – THE most DANGEROUS thing a leader can do is to STOP focusing on God and BEGGING Him for direction. Going back to Moses for a second…all Big Mo did was listen to God and then do what He said. When we become so busy “doing” leadership rather than focusing on the ONE we are supposed to be following in order to effectively lead others…we (AND the people we lead) are in trouble.
I let fear take over. I let fear shake me in my shoes. Why? 2,3,4. Because I took my eyes off of Jesus, saw the storm raging around me and ended up sinking.
One of the NT characters I can closely identify with is Peter. Time and time again I see myself in Peter's shoes. Time and time again I make dumb mistakes. But Jesus forgives me, just like Jesus forgives Peter. And oh the tears I shed when I read about Peter jumping in to swim to shore so he can be with Jesus faster when he realizes he returned.
See, He is always there. I am just not always paying attention.
Forgive me God. The whole reason I felt so far away from you is that, much like your children the Israelites, I got distracted, I forgot your goodness, I got selfish and overwhelmed and full of fear.
And the Lord responds: (Isaiah 54)
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you. 11 "O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a]
your foundations with sapphires. [b]
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be your children's peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 "See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Living out of sanity
I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control
And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high
I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof
And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control
And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes
Two Hands by Jars of Clay
Well the last month has been, well, a struggle to say the least. Honestly I can say that my depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me. The song above really lists a lot of how I feel. Pretty much every single word.
The self I was and the self I am in Christ are battling it out right now. You might have noticed my lack of status updates on Facebook/Twitter. Well, I just haven't had anything good to say, I had forgotten much. Yesterday, I had to run away from myself. Thank God it was Tuesday. Celebrate the Journey day. My one day to come in and say I am broken and people say "that's great! Me too!" I can feel like total crap coming in, and coming out feel so much better about it later. I was in a spiral that needed to be broken and I broke it.
In group we talked about doing things our way, and how that doesn't really benefit us, but hinders us. It was our last meeting as a group, and the leader bought us all cards and had us write a letter to ourselves, so that one day when the Holy Spirit prompts her, she will send them out. Honestly I don't care if I never get it because I think it was what I needed that night. That card, that exercise, that group.
I got a phone number from a person whom I love and she wants to be there for me. I got told that I had taught someone a lot and I should not give up leading. I got told that my humility and willingness to be lead and learn is a wonderful trait of a good leader. I hear all of these good things about me, and I remember the joy I once held. The spark that still resides inside of me as a burning ember waiting to be fanned into flame.
Somewhere inside this darkness and hurt is someone is loves life, and being healthy, and making good choices, and helping others. Somewhere inside here is a leader with a heart to follow God's will. Somewhere in here, somewhere... And I haven't lost hope. I haven't given up. God hasn't given up on me, my friends have not given up on me.
Keep praying for me, help me thaw this icy buildup.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)