Know there is hope

I feel like I want to talk about my pain.

I need to share something deep so that others know there is hope.

You see, I have been operating on a very crazy principle: the Lord my God is good.

I believe the Bible is his word, the Truth.

I believe that we don't go through things because of him torturing us or testing us, but perhaps to strengthen us and bring us closer to him.

I lost a baby recently. My second one this year. They were both early during the term, but that does not make it any less painful.

See, being pregnant means that you are filled with expectations, as well as a child.

When you are told that the child did not survive, the balloon is popped, the expectations can never ever become reality.

David (King David, the one from the Bible) lost a child. His child was about a year old. He lost the child as a consequence to his sin of sleeping with Bathsheba while she was still married and then having Uriah killed to cover it up.

Did I lose my children as a consequence to my sin? I don't know. I don't know what sin I could have done to cause me to lose the child, it could be something from before I was saved, because while God gives us forgiveness, it doesn't mean we don't face the consequences of our actions. We don't know why these pregnancies did not work.

I do know that whatever happens in life, God uses it for good. Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20.

And I do also know that he is Lord. Job 2:20-21

Times in my life I have questioned God, it wasn't really God that I questioned, but I questioned myself, my faith in God. See, God exists, I know that to be true, for me, I have already hit that brick wall and busted through it. He is the one who doesn't change. No matter what I do, I cannot change God. Not me, see. I can change. I can decide to have faith or not to have faith.

I can use hindsight to get a clue into the many things that God intended from my suffering.

The very first instance would be when my mom got really sick and died... God had a plan, he healed our relationship, my relationship with my sister, gave me a friend I now call "sister" , brought my mother, myself, and a good friend very close to him.

Another incident would be when my condo caught on fire... This actually turned out to be such a turning point in my life for the positive. It was like God was telling us, "things are about to change like you would not believe" . I remember watching the firetrucks lights flashing saying why God, why? And I got down on my knees, and I said to God "Job praised you, and I know that is what I should do, but I can't, will you help me?" You know what, he did.

I could tell you how I trust God to provide, I can tell you how he has provided, and prove it. I can tell you a million things, but none of it will matter until you test it out yourself.

I dug roots, I dug them deep. And yeah, I tested God. But I kept my heart open to hear him answer.

So why the pregnancy if he takes it away? The pain of missing my baby is temporary, because we will be united in heaven. There will be other chances to try, this is not the end. And today, I was talking to my friend and realized just a sliver of why God might do just a thing as to let me become pregnant, but then not let the baby survive.

His timing blows my mind.

He blows my mind.

I heard somewhere once that when God takes something away from you, he is just getting you ready for something better. And I believe it, because I know this much is true. It takes a consistent, deep and meaningful relationship with my Creator, my Savior, my Lord. The only time I don't feel close to him is when I back away. He is always there, and always with me.