Know there is hope

I feel like I want to talk about my pain.

I need to share something deep so that others know there is hope.

You see, I have been operating on a very crazy principle: the Lord my God is good.

I believe the Bible is his word, the Truth.

I believe that we don't go through things because of him torturing us or testing us, but perhaps to strengthen us and bring us closer to him.

I lost a baby recently. My second one this year. They were both early during the term, but that does not make it any less painful.

See, being pregnant means that you are filled with expectations, as well as a child.

When you are told that the child did not survive, the balloon is popped, the expectations can never ever become reality.

David (King David, the one from the Bible) lost a child. His child was about a year old. He lost the child as a consequence to his sin of sleeping with Bathsheba while she was still married and then having Uriah killed to cover it up.

Did I lose my children as a consequence to my sin? I don't know. I don't know what sin I could have done to cause me to lose the child, it could be something from before I was saved, because while God gives us forgiveness, it doesn't mean we don't face the consequences of our actions. We don't know why these pregnancies did not work.

I do know that whatever happens in life, God uses it for good. Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20.

And I do also know that he is Lord. Job 2:20-21

Times in my life I have questioned God, it wasn't really God that I questioned, but I questioned myself, my faith in God. See, God exists, I know that to be true, for me, I have already hit that brick wall and busted through it. He is the one who doesn't change. No matter what I do, I cannot change God. Not me, see. I can change. I can decide to have faith or not to have faith.

I can use hindsight to get a clue into the many things that God intended from my suffering.

The very first instance would be when my mom got really sick and died... God had a plan, he healed our relationship, my relationship with my sister, gave me a friend I now call "sister" , brought my mother, myself, and a good friend very close to him.

Another incident would be when my condo caught on fire... This actually turned out to be such a turning point in my life for the positive. It was like God was telling us, "things are about to change like you would not believe" . I remember watching the firetrucks lights flashing saying why God, why? And I got down on my knees, and I said to God "Job praised you, and I know that is what I should do, but I can't, will you help me?" You know what, he did.

I could tell you how I trust God to provide, I can tell you how he has provided, and prove it. I can tell you a million things, but none of it will matter until you test it out yourself.

I dug roots, I dug them deep. And yeah, I tested God. But I kept my heart open to hear him answer.

So why the pregnancy if he takes it away? The pain of missing my baby is temporary, because we will be united in heaven. There will be other chances to try, this is not the end. And today, I was talking to my friend and realized just a sliver of why God might do just a thing as to let me become pregnant, but then not let the baby survive.

His timing blows my mind.

He blows my mind.

I heard somewhere once that when God takes something away from you, he is just getting you ready for something better. And I believe it, because I know this much is true. It takes a consistent, deep and meaningful relationship with my Creator, my Savior, my Lord. The only time I don't feel close to him is when I back away. He is always there, and always with me.

I've been tagged-- 29 semi random things "About Me"

Several people have tagged me in 16, 21, 25, 1 million, Things about Me...
So, I won't tag you back, too many people that I can't keep straight.
This is so that you get to know me better.

1. I feel like my life just began at 30 when I was baptized at CCC March 19. This March I turn 3.

2. My mom died that summer('06), and her illness and death is probably the best worst thing that has ever happened to me as I have been able to be my own person and I have dug deep and discovered a relationship with my Jesus. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy.

3. I have a very, very hard time remembering names, so if I forget yours, don't take it personally.

4. When I think of myself, I don't picture me as heavy as I really am. Sometimes the mirror reminds me I am fat.

5. I have always had a very hard time making "girlfriends" and an even harder time keeping them.

6. I have experienced two miscarriages this year. One passed natural and I just had a procedure for the last one. I really miss my babies that I never had.

7. There is an ongoing custody case for my husband's son. I know we are going to win, eventually. The process is just long and hard. Sometimes I wish we could just duke it out on the Jerry Springer show because she makes me feel that way.

8. I have one younger sister, and two cousins in particular that I am so close to they are like sisters. It would be awesome if we could all go with my aunt and our husbands to Disney together. (I have never been.)

9. I am the main breadwinner for my home, and fear losing my job because we are one paycheck away from losing it all. Yet, God keeps providing!

10. I seem to tell people too much about myself in hopes that we will somehow bond and be closer, and I wonder if it just leaves me open to scrutiny and to be made fun of but I wouldn't do it any other way.

11. God keeps urging me to tell other women that they are beautiful, yet I have a very hard time accepting it myself.

12. I fight depression everyday.

13. I feel closest to God when I read the Bible, and spend time with people. Being holed up at home keeps me away from both, and thus I go back to #12.

14. It was a combination of bronchitis, knitting, and having lots of sex that helped me to quit smoking. It was Dave for the last part, but it was before we were married! (oh taboo!)

15. I think I might be the only person brave enough to mention sex in her list more than once.

16. My husband and I have a running list for a drinking game to CSI:Miami, yet we don't drink.

17. My husband is my best friend. I am also very close with my sister, cousins and aunt.

18. I was born at the hospital I work at, and I joke that I will likely die there as well.

19. My name is Shelley Marie Egeland, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to help people find their way back to God.

20. My maiden name was two first names, and I don't mind that most people misspell my name now because they don't call me by my last name anymore.

21. I could have been an all "A" student if I actually did my homework and studied. Yes, I am one of "those" kids. Learning comes easy to me.

22. I love reading.

23. I hate bees with a mad passion. I once hit someone in the nuts accidentally running away from a bee. I also ended up in the ER after running away from a bee and landing my knee smack dab in the middle of a concrete step. Its the only thing I hate about fall.

24. I love my iPod, but I can't fill it up because my computer doesn't have enough memory. It's an old computer. I like podcasts of sermons as well as worship music.

25. If I could wish one thing, it would be that there would no longer be any poverty, and everyone in the whole world would have enough, a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear, medicine and healthcare. I also believe its possible, and we don't have to give up much of ourselves to achieve this. Yet we are selfish by nature.

26. I want a Crackberry, but Dave won't let me have one because he thinks I would never be found again.

27. The only "Reality" TV shows I watch are Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Girls Next Door.

28. Psalm 27:4

29. I have never ever been a morning person, and if you see me before noon and I look funny, its because I am tired!

The King (David) and I

First, let me list all the Davids in my life. There is my husband, my husband's father David, David Crowder, Dave Ferguson, David Caruso (CSI Miami's Horatio Caine), my friend David, my uncle David, Dave who plays the drums, David the statue, David Bowie, David Copperfield, David Letterman, The Harry and David Store, David's Bridal, Dave Matthew's Band and David from middle school that I am now Facebook friends with (I have 6 Dave/Davids as friends on Facebook!)

The one that I am finally getting to know is a guy thats been dead for centuries. King David, as in David and Goliath, ancestor of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy. I am reading this awesome study that I got my David for Christmas.

The more I read about his life, the more I identify. Did you know that David basically wandered and hid in the hills and deserts from age 17 to age 30? Seriously, that is what my life felt like. Then at 30, he finally became king, but didnt govern the entire country of Isreal for over 7 years! Could you imagine knowing you were going to be king for that long and nothing happening?

Of course, I didn't really know that God had big plans for my life until I was 30. My life just started at 30. Of course, I was baptized, and started to actually follow Jesus then. Not just go to church at Christmas and talk about how I was going to heaven because I believed, but ACTUALLY persuing to get to know Him and become like Him! (So many people just do, they actually aren't even close to being.)

Then of course Community is doing a series called 2.0 right now, and my small group is studying what it means to actually claim your adoption by God. And it all goes together. Yet David keeps me intrigued. Why? David slew lions and bears (but not tigers, oh my) before he slew the giant. He saw Goliath as just a tall hot head. He trusted in God immensely. He was a man after God's own heart.

But David had his downfall, and God is speaking to me now... don't you mess this up he says.

David had an issue with lust. He had a lot of wives and concubines, and therefore a lot of children. And he was too busy playing king to play daddy. And his children suffered. They were not the best kids. In fact, one of his sons raped his half sister, another raped all of David's wives. And all David did was get mad. His kids were out of control. David had left his wives and concubines to kind of raise themselves, and they needed a strong man in their lives.

I pray now that God will not let me forsake my family. You see, he has told me how great the plans he has for me are. I don't know what they are, but they are going to be more than I ever expected. And God gently reminded me not to screw up. Go after my heart, he says, but don't forget my heart is for you to have a family as well.

And I never thought it possible, yet here I am. Well, its getting late and I want to read some more about David, and keep growing. I want to trust that God is there, working always in my life.

(by the way, I haven't been online much, but for you folks who follow me, know I am reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment, much lest post on my own, but I love you and will be delighting your blogs with comments when I get the chance-love xraychick)

You 2.0 Journal day 2

CCC gave out Big Idea Journals this weekend. Its awesome, because its just what I needed to get back in the habit again.

Today's reading is Romans 12:1-16.

The question for pondering is: Would the people I know describe me as someone who does church/Christianity as a hobby? Or, would that describe me as someone who tries to live like Jesus in all areas of my life?

I personally love the beginning, where it says to give your bodies as a living sacrifice. Not just your self, but your body. I love how more and more as I don't copy the behavior or customs of this world, but allow God to transform my mind, I do change. It is a transformation that has brought me deep joy and fulfillment. It makes me question why I ever had my back turned on God.

Then I remember how the world is so tempting, chocolate, credit cards, fast cars, hot men and women, beer and liquor, and fast food.

God my prayer is this, let me never take my eyes off of you and your truth, your promises. May I always seek you with all my heart, no matter where it may lead, because it is in doing that I find true joy.

So tell me, if you know me, leave an anonymous comment... is Christianity just a hobby, or is it who I am?

Then ask yourself, because I know where I stand with God. I truly wish that you would pursue Christ with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Turn yourself into a living sacrifice. Grateful that Jesus died, and rose again, defeating death, so that we may inherit the great Kingdom. Maybe you just need to get to know who this God is, and what it all means. Let me know, email me icanseerightthroughyou at g mail dot com.

Coming out of hiding...

I have to admit, I have been in hiding. I got sick, and cold weather keeps me bottled up inside. I have no money, no groceries, and spent way too much time in bed. I have been letting depression win. Why? I hate that part of me, I hate laying in bed and staying isolated. I love people, I love my people. I miss them.

I have to say thanks to my soul sista JJ for slapping me across the face, but she didn't know it. Read her whole post here. This is what I am cutting and pasting for you:

Life is meant to be lived...

it is not meant to hide from what you may be afraid of, or who may hurt you.

To live is to feel the fear and do it anyway. To live is to feel the hurt, and love them anyway.

To live is to enjoy what comforts your fort may bring you, but to be strong and courageous when the time comes to tear it down... and leave your hiding place behind.

We weren't meant to hide forever.




The world is waiting...


make your move.

Here I am. I can't hide in my fort forever!