Emotionally Invested

Have you ever wondered why you feel so bummed out when something doesn't happen? Probably not, because you were really emotionally invested, hoping that it would. I remember taking the leap and asking this boy out, only to find out that he didn't even know who I was. Talk about a bad ROI on those emotions.

What happens when your long term emotional investment pans out?

For the whole entire time I have known Dave, about 6 years now, I have known about his son. For the past two we have been working on gaining custody. The whole while God has assured me it will happen.

And it has...

And I am lost. You see, I don't think I have ever truly been emotionally invested in something that has ever really truly come out as awesome as this. Yes, there are difficulties with changes, but that is normal for having any child.

I know I am supposed to be happy. Yet I feel, have felt, locked. This sense of dread has come over me. You see, I just don't know how to deal with this success.

Or maybe its the bills that still need to be paid, oh how I hate money right now.

Or this sense that this is only the beginning, and God is going to keep using me, and for greater things at that, and am I ready for that? I am not worthy! Oh to wrestle with self-worth again. And weight, I have gained weight! Stress = food. Munching on Wheat Thins as I type! I love the crunch! (I should email willy wonka and ask for some calorie free crunch gum.)

Oh woe is me!

Mark Batterson wrote on his blog about nerves. "...it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence upon God." "At times, I don't feel like I'm ready or I'm qualified for the opportunity the Lord presents. It seems bigger than me. And it always is. But here is what the Spirit put in my spirit recently: I am not bigger than this moment but God in me is bigger than this moment. That simple truth has set me free. It puts everything in perspective. My excitement about who God is and what God is doing overwhelms my human nerves..."

So with that, I stop and pause. I need to get on my knees. I need to depend on God. God is bigger than me. I am just dirt. I am just clay. I need to just enjoy His blessings and remember that God is in control!

Oh, I still want to lay face down and cry for days. It is awe.

I am not worthy I say. God says I am.