Randomness at 4am ishness

My sister is on her way to jolly England, with a one day jaunt into France.

My friend Rachael is going to plant a church there.

I pray that God unites them somehow. Maybe that would be awesome.

I read The Shack, and it was an easy read. Interestingly enough, I fell asleep reading it. I was oddly at peace while reading, and don't know if I dreamed I was in the Shack too. Forget how some theology is wrong... its basically right, and explains God in a way most people can understand. It certainly won't throw anyone off. And I cried a few times. I cried during the parts that I needed to heal, and somehow accepted Mack's experience as my own.

I confess I am wanting lots of stuff right now. First a computer, then a phone. I can't even pay the bills I have, I must be nuts. It has nothing to do with things and everything to do with escaping.

Truth of the matter is I have no idea how I can afford what I already have.

And the trial is coming up.

And this is the hardest time of my life.

The next 6 months will likely be the most crucial part of my life.

I need God the most right now.

I need to reach out the most right now.

I don't know how to do that. This must be a start.

I am isolating, and going back to old patterns and it needs to stop.

Help me God, be with me. Help me friends, be my friends. I am new at this and need you to reach out to me because I cannot, or do not know how. And tears fall at 4am because even though I am tired I stay up.

It hurts to see his face because I miss him so. I get angry because there is nothing I can do but wait. And I want to take the pain away from him, but I can't. Nothing I do or say will ever change a thing. Who knows what he is going through. And, I miss being pregnant. I miss this expectation of a child. I can't look in the spare room cuz of all the baby stuff and I can't do anything but cry even though I should be doing dishes or laundry or dusting or vacuuming.

And it is wrapped around my heart tightly, pressing in, squeezing. That is where the tears come from.

So much brokenness. Thank God that God is in control.

Jesus I have no idea what you are doing, but you know what is best and I have to trust in you Lord.