My husband and I were joking today. He said he didn't like to feel like such a wanderer. I said that if the Isrealites wandered a desert before they found a home for 40 years and then had to fight for it, we aren't doing too bad. We haven't made any golden calves yet. We haven't had to rely on Manna, although it feels like it.
As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again. Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on. God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet. This time it will be a good 15 miles for us. For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college). Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.
We will be closer to our friends and church. The schools will be great. The neighborhood is great. I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality. I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do. But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.
I am truly embracing God's love for me right now. I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there. God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy. But oh its good.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Hanging on the bottom rung
I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker. She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down. For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.
I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for. I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this. I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself. He was the only good thing left in me. I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God. The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears. Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.
Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again. I devoured the text. Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives. I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked. Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.
He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will. God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24 God destroys everything you put before him. He warned me he would. He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him. I was in denial, oh I denied it. I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry. At last I was just empty. Nothing. Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.
I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears. Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing. She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us. She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found. Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation. We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation. We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64) I understood that, I was there.
Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:
I was not alone. I was not alone in my pain. Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.
There is HOPE. She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom. I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung. Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God. I wasn't so lucky. God had to get me fired. He knew I would never leave.
I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots. The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon. What was next for them, they did not know. Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)
I am in this tunnel of chaos. But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.
Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book. I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you. Thank you for being my muse Jen. Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will. God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.
I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for. I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this. I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself. He was the only good thing left in me. I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God. The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears. Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.
Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again. I devoured the text. Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives. I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked. Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.
He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will. God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24 God destroys everything you put before him. He warned me he would. He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him. I was in denial, oh I denied it. I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry. At last I was just empty. Nothing. Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.
I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears. Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing. She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us. She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found. Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation. We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation. We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64) I understood that, I was there.
Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:
"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom. The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year. I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed. With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating. I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it. Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong. It is the nature of the beast." pp 64-65
I was not alone. I was not alone in my pain. Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.
There is HOPE. She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom. I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung. Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God. I wasn't so lucky. God had to get me fired. He knew I would never leave.
I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots. The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon. What was next for them, they did not know. Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)
I am in this tunnel of chaos. But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.
Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book. I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you. Thank you for being my muse Jen. Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will. God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
We'll leave the light on - shining some insight in Luke 8
If you are reading this on Facebook, type in the verses in Bible Gateway to read along, or grab your Bible. Or you can go to my original post and click the links in there to read the Bible passages along with the blog. Its pretty deep, and if you want to understand it, you should read the Bible along with this post... Thanks.
Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18.
No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.
Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives. We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark. It's never too late to come over. In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house. A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.
I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see. I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.
This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc. Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find. The next is the personal level. See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp. I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever. I am laid out, open. Everything. First and foremost to God, secondly to the world. I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in. I am to be shining, and bright. This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached. This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom. I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.
I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives. I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others. Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.
Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." This means so much and yet so little. Yet I get it. I hope to anyway. What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us?
See, I think in parables. I get it now. I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories. Its how I understand life. It is how I live. To me, I get what Jesus says.
Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away. Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed. My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from. But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.
I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.
I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again. And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have. You know why? I don't have a thing. I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God. Without Him, I am lost. Without Jesus I have no hope. God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own. So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away. I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King. For He provides all I need.
Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before. And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from. And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them. Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus. Amen.
Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18.
No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.
Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives. We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark. It's never too late to come over. In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house. A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.
I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see. I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.
This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc. Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find. The next is the personal level. See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp. I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever. I am laid out, open. Everything. First and foremost to God, secondly to the world. I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in. I am to be shining, and bright. This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached. This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom. I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.
I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives. I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others. Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.
Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him." This means so much and yet so little. Yet I get it. I hope to anyway. What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us?
See, I think in parables. I get it now. I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories. Its how I understand life. It is how I live. To me, I get what Jesus says.
Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away. Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed. My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from. But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.
I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.
I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again. And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have. You know why? I don't have a thing. I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God. Without Him, I am lost. Without Jesus I have no hope. God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own. So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away. I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King. For He provides all I need.
Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before. And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from. And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them. Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus. Amen.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I may have been born on Venus, but I was raised on Mars
When I was in my early 20s, John Grey and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was all the rage. At least they were in my house. My mom and dad were going through counseling, so I in effect was getting the crumbs. I read at least 3 or 4 Mars/Venus books that my mom bought. I have to admit, it really helped me to understand men a bit more. But to be honest, it did nothing but confuse me as to what a woman was. I am still working on that definition. I related a lot to Martian ways and thought that I was not truly Venetian.
The marriage book that is the rage right now is Love and Respect by Eggerichs I think. It says women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected. Its more complicated than that, but you need to read the book if you want more. Anyhow, I tend to be really good at loving and really bad at respect. I am working on it. Yet I learned how much I myself desire respect. I really have found I crave it more than I dish it out.
Its important for me to respect my husband, I understand that. I also admit it is what I need to work on more. I am finding right now that I need more respect that I ever thought. I wonder if right now it is because I am unemployed. Or maybe its because I was/am the main breadwinner in the house. I am just starting to explore this area, and am putting it out there. Thinking openly and wondering if I was born on Venus, but raised on Mars.
You see, I know that my mother rarely respected my father, and she demanded a lot of respect from him. Yet it left her desperate, because all she really wanted was love. The less my dad got respect, the harder it became for him to love her. I watched as my mother's last gift to my father was love and forgiveness. She loved that man desperately. I don't know if my dad truly ever understood how broken she was, and how truly broken he was. I don't know if he ever accepted that. But I do know that I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to respect my husband, and I want him to love me. Maybe I need to quit demanding respect and start handing it out. Perhaps I need to go back to Venus school. Perhaps I need to go back to Jesus school, who took off his cloak, got down on the floor and washed his disciples' feet. Help me Jesus, to be more like you, and be the last. For in dying I will find how to truly live.
Funny how the Kingdom works different than the World.
The marriage book that is the rage right now is Love and Respect by Eggerichs I think. It says women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected. Its more complicated than that, but you need to read the book if you want more. Anyhow, I tend to be really good at loving and really bad at respect. I am working on it. Yet I learned how much I myself desire respect. I really have found I crave it more than I dish it out.
Its important for me to respect my husband, I understand that. I also admit it is what I need to work on more. I am finding right now that I need more respect that I ever thought. I wonder if right now it is because I am unemployed. Or maybe its because I was/am the main breadwinner in the house. I am just starting to explore this area, and am putting it out there. Thinking openly and wondering if I was born on Venus, but raised on Mars.
You see, I know that my mother rarely respected my father, and she demanded a lot of respect from him. Yet it left her desperate, because all she really wanted was love. The less my dad got respect, the harder it became for him to love her. I watched as my mother's last gift to my father was love and forgiveness. She loved that man desperately. I don't know if my dad truly ever understood how broken she was, and how truly broken he was. I don't know if he ever accepted that. But I do know that I don't want to live my life like that.
I want to respect my husband, and I want him to love me. Maybe I need to quit demanding respect and start handing it out. Perhaps I need to go back to Venus school. Perhaps I need to go back to Jesus school, who took off his cloak, got down on the floor and washed his disciples' feet. Help me Jesus, to be more like you, and be the last. For in dying I will find how to truly live.
Funny how the Kingdom works different than the World.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Digging around - Luke 8 reflections
If you read my last post, you might remember how my friend challenged me to read Luke 8 every day. I have been, despite being tired as all get-out and thinking of how boring and repetitive it is, I have read Luke 8 every day. Today, I started out in the middle of Luke 8, as I had put my bookmark there for some reason. It helped me, because I started out with the story of the possessed man and the pigs that jumped over a cliff. Luke 8 has so much in it, so it was nice to kind of start off there and then come back to the beginning later.
How many times have I read the parable of the sower? (Luke 8:1-15) How often do I know that I need good soil? See I have read this passage a million times, but to what level have I "gotten" this passage? One may never truly know. I do know however, that I hit a realization today about the passage. Perhaps its because I haven't spent much of my life paying attention to gardening, or farming, or anything of the sort. People in this neighborhood where I live pay landscapers that come in pickup trucks during the day while they are at work to do the magic for them. Perhaps I had always thought that was a magic process myself.
At this house, there is no landscape fairy. My dad and his wife mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water and fertilize, etc. My whole family helped out with the mulch, as my dad had rented a wood chipper and did away with all the branches from a tree he cut down in the back yard. I pulled weeds in the front, I have mowed the lawn. This stuff takes work. And it keeps growing back. If you don't watch it, the yard will be full of weeds, the little plastic barriers that keep the grass in the grass and the wood chips in the wood chips comes up, and the plants will take over your yard. Mowing the back yard it takes several attempts to get around the bushes that want to slice your skin open while you mow the grass underneath. The earth is moving, and rocks and other barriers fall over, become loose and need re-adjustment.
I have vague memories of helping my parents in our backyard garden as a child. I know we had one, my grandmother had one, and my aunt had one. We grew cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and corn. My grandmother grew beans that I loved to pick off the vine and eat. My favorite memory is probably feeling the wet mud between my toes, which later was hosed off- kids are not afraid to get dirty. The food from the garden was so good and delicious. It was even more so because we worked for it. We tended the garden, pulling weeds and making sure it had fertilizer and water. My dad had this monster machine that tilled the ground under every year. It was huge in comparison to my child body, and we had to stay far away. It was a monster, consuming the soil and working it hard. This garden took work.
Why am I to think that my "soil" doesn't require work in order to produce fruit? The thing that makes my soil the 4th soil in the parable is how much work I put into this soil. Some people will always be gravel roads. They go to work, watch tv, have a beer, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day. They aren't very deep, and it shows. They don't have many weeds, but they don't have much fruit either. They keep their grass mowed tight to the ground, letting nothing and no one in. The fence on this land is tall and topped with barbed wire. Maybe even electrified. Some people are deep, but they have so many weeds in their life. Years of depleted soil inherited from generations of bad gardening. They can't tell a good plant from a bad plant. The roots are so entangled, and they continue to think that the problem is the good plant, not the weeds that take over their lives. There is no fence on this land. Those are some extremes.
What is my yard supposed to look like? Well, there is a fence, but also a gate. Regular weeding, watering, and fertilizing happens. This means I need to fertilize with the Word of God. Water with Living Water. Erect boundaries and pull things in my life that might take vital nutrients away from my tree of life. I desire to bear fruit. I need to let the Master Gardener come in. He does much of the work, but I need to work with him, listen to him and do what he says in order to have everything aesthetically pleasing but also full of life and nutrients, producing much fruit.
Do you see what I see? Are you hearing what I hear? I need to work for God's landscaping company. I need to dig around and work my soil. I need to contribute to this, if I don't then someone else will. And the seeds will be snatched before they have a chance to take root. This life isn't easy, its hard work. Its very hard grueling work at times. But once I have the groundwork laid out and a routine in place, its not so bad. Every once and a while I have to rotate my crops, or take a fallow season. Sometimes I have to burn the whole place down so that everything can grow up stronger and more resilient. It kills the undergrowth and gives the good things a chance to really shine. I am going to have to break a sweat, I just can't sit back and watch it happen. This isn't a movie or novel, this is life. This is my garden. What do you see?
How many times have I read the parable of the sower? (Luke 8:1-15) How often do I know that I need good soil? See I have read this passage a million times, but to what level have I "gotten" this passage? One may never truly know. I do know however, that I hit a realization today about the passage. Perhaps its because I haven't spent much of my life paying attention to gardening, or farming, or anything of the sort. People in this neighborhood where I live pay landscapers that come in pickup trucks during the day while they are at work to do the magic for them. Perhaps I had always thought that was a magic process myself.
At this house, there is no landscape fairy. My dad and his wife mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water and fertilize, etc. My whole family helped out with the mulch, as my dad had rented a wood chipper and did away with all the branches from a tree he cut down in the back yard. I pulled weeds in the front, I have mowed the lawn. This stuff takes work. And it keeps growing back. If you don't watch it, the yard will be full of weeds, the little plastic barriers that keep the grass in the grass and the wood chips in the wood chips comes up, and the plants will take over your yard. Mowing the back yard it takes several attempts to get around the bushes that want to slice your skin open while you mow the grass underneath. The earth is moving, and rocks and other barriers fall over, become loose and need re-adjustment.
I have vague memories of helping my parents in our backyard garden as a child. I know we had one, my grandmother had one, and my aunt had one. We grew cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and corn. My grandmother grew beans that I loved to pick off the vine and eat. My favorite memory is probably feeling the wet mud between my toes, which later was hosed off- kids are not afraid to get dirty. The food from the garden was so good and delicious. It was even more so because we worked for it. We tended the garden, pulling weeds and making sure it had fertilizer and water. My dad had this monster machine that tilled the ground under every year. It was huge in comparison to my child body, and we had to stay far away. It was a monster, consuming the soil and working it hard. This garden took work.
Why am I to think that my "soil" doesn't require work in order to produce fruit? The thing that makes my soil the 4th soil in the parable is how much work I put into this soil. Some people will always be gravel roads. They go to work, watch tv, have a beer, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day. They aren't very deep, and it shows. They don't have many weeds, but they don't have much fruit either. They keep their grass mowed tight to the ground, letting nothing and no one in. The fence on this land is tall and topped with barbed wire. Maybe even electrified. Some people are deep, but they have so many weeds in their life. Years of depleted soil inherited from generations of bad gardening. They can't tell a good plant from a bad plant. The roots are so entangled, and they continue to think that the problem is the good plant, not the weeds that take over their lives. There is no fence on this land. Those are some extremes.
What is my yard supposed to look like? Well, there is a fence, but also a gate. Regular weeding, watering, and fertilizing happens. This means I need to fertilize with the Word of God. Water with Living Water. Erect boundaries and pull things in my life that might take vital nutrients away from my tree of life. I desire to bear fruit. I need to let the Master Gardener come in. He does much of the work, but I need to work with him, listen to him and do what he says in order to have everything aesthetically pleasing but also full of life and nutrients, producing much fruit.
Do you see what I see? Are you hearing what I hear? I need to work for God's landscaping company. I need to dig around and work my soil. I need to contribute to this, if I don't then someone else will. And the seeds will be snatched before they have a chance to take root. This life isn't easy, its hard work. Its very hard grueling work at times. But once I have the groundwork laid out and a routine in place, its not so bad. Every once and a while I have to rotate my crops, or take a fallow season. Sometimes I have to burn the whole place down so that everything can grow up stronger and more resilient. It kills the undergrowth and gives the good things a chance to really shine. I am going to have to break a sweat, I just can't sit back and watch it happen. This isn't a movie or novel, this is life. This is my garden. What do you see?
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Love is...
Don't let anyone ever say that people who have depression are just trying to get attention. Don't you know that people who have depression are trying to disappear and would love nothing less than to be ignored. They need attention, don't get me wrong, but everyone does. I need attention, I need love.
I am broken, I learned wrong what love was. I wasn't shown how to act when I needed love. I didn't dare ask after a while out of fear I would be disappointed. I learned to run to the wrong things, the wrong people because I needed love. Heck, I started smoking in high school because I saw a community that hung out and all got along and talked, and I needed that so badly.
I can't remember something specific that happened to me, but I do remember my grandmother hung up on my sister when she called her late at night and scared. My sister reached out for help, love and protection, and instead got yelled at. In my life, I often saw examples of being shown hate when asked for love. Oh it wasn't always intentional. It comes from generations of brokenness.
How do I stop the madness? (Without conjuring up an image of Susan Powter in my head?)
Its a choice. I don't always make the right choices, but I know better, and I deserve better. Slowly, but surely I am figuring it out. Its a "one day at a time" process. It involves asking for help, or reaching out when I need love, from good people who can love me. That is probably one of the very best things about getting involved at my church, is getting to know wonderful people who are all working on it, and we lean on each other. Of course we all look to Christ as the source, but it sure helps when we remind each other.
One of those things that I need is Truth. A good friend told me to focus this week, and so I am to read only Luke 8 for my Bible time, read it every day and journal about what I learn.
I also let my son know that I want to love him always, and asked him how I can let him know I love him. (Quality Time is his love language)... and I am off to spend time with him.
I am broken, I learned wrong what love was. I wasn't shown how to act when I needed love. I didn't dare ask after a while out of fear I would be disappointed. I learned to run to the wrong things, the wrong people because I needed love. Heck, I started smoking in high school because I saw a community that hung out and all got along and talked, and I needed that so badly.
I can't remember something specific that happened to me, but I do remember my grandmother hung up on my sister when she called her late at night and scared. My sister reached out for help, love and protection, and instead got yelled at. In my life, I often saw examples of being shown hate when asked for love. Oh it wasn't always intentional. It comes from generations of brokenness.
How do I stop the madness? (Without conjuring up an image of Susan Powter in my head?)
Its a choice. I don't always make the right choices, but I know better, and I deserve better. Slowly, but surely I am figuring it out. Its a "one day at a time" process. It involves asking for help, or reaching out when I need love, from good people who can love me. That is probably one of the very best things about getting involved at my church, is getting to know wonderful people who are all working on it, and we lean on each other. Of course we all look to Christ as the source, but it sure helps when we remind each other.
One of those things that I need is Truth. A good friend told me to focus this week, and so I am to read only Luke 8 for my Bible time, read it every day and journal about what I learn.
I also let my son know that I want to love him always, and asked him how I can let him know I love him. (Quality Time is his love language)... and I am off to spend time with him.
Friday, May 7, 2010
The cost of being a disciple- already paid
Oswald Chambers tells me today that the work has already been done; "that the men and women He is going to use in His mighty building enterprises are those in whom He has done everything...Our Lord implies that the only men and women He will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately and devotedly beyond any of the closest ties on earth."
See Luke 14:25-35.
I will admit it, I am not the best at picking up my cross daily. Sometimes, I like to wield that cross as a weapon, sometimes I bury it, and sometimes I wear it like a badge.
But you see, I know that God has already counted the cost. He knew that I would mess up, heck the whole Bible is filled with stories of people messing up and God coming to the rescue. Jesus is the ultimate rescue, the ultimate answer, the cost that has already been paid.
And its out of remembering this- remembering Jesus- that I am able to "pick up my cross" and follow Him. You see, I am not tasty salt without Jesus. I can't do the work, Jesus already did it, He counted the cost and followed all the way through. I could not do that, so without Jesus, I would be thrown on the manure pile. True dat.
Jesus requires the work we do involves loving him, having a relationship with him, understanding that HE ALREADY DID THE WORK, IS ALREADY DOING THE WORK, AND ALREADY IS GOING TO DO THE WORK. The term for this is "provenience."
I get overwhelmed often, really sometimes I wonder how I can handle it all. Picking up my cross for me is going to be trusting and understanding that the bill has already been paid, the work has already been done. This helps me to love Him more and be less selfish, this makes me salty. This takes me one step off the manure pile.
Jesus thank you for doing all the work, you are my rock. Help me stay anchored to you always, no matter how strong the winds may blow.
See Luke 14:25-35.
I will admit it, I am not the best at picking up my cross daily. Sometimes, I like to wield that cross as a weapon, sometimes I bury it, and sometimes I wear it like a badge.
But you see, I know that God has already counted the cost. He knew that I would mess up, heck the whole Bible is filled with stories of people messing up and God coming to the rescue. Jesus is the ultimate rescue, the ultimate answer, the cost that has already been paid.
And its out of remembering this- remembering Jesus- that I am able to "pick up my cross" and follow Him. You see, I am not tasty salt without Jesus. I can't do the work, Jesus already did it, He counted the cost and followed all the way through. I could not do that, so without Jesus, I would be thrown on the manure pile. True dat.
Jesus requires the work we do involves loving him, having a relationship with him, understanding that HE ALREADY DID THE WORK, IS ALREADY DOING THE WORK, AND ALREADY IS GOING TO DO THE WORK. The term for this is "provenience."
I get overwhelmed often, really sometimes I wonder how I can handle it all. Picking up my cross for me is going to be trusting and understanding that the bill has already been paid, the work has already been done. This helps me to love Him more and be less selfish, this makes me salty. This takes me one step off the manure pile.
Jesus thank you for doing all the work, you are my rock. Help me stay anchored to you always, no matter how strong the winds may blow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)