Monday Weigh IN

Last weigh-in weight: 244.3
Today's weight: 247.9
This weeks loss/gain: +3.6
Total weight lost: 29.8
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.9

It appears as if this week went backwards. I didn't hit the gym since Monday and went out this weekend to eat, and got completely off track. I feel the weight gain in my belly the most.

I think it is because I am not taking care of myself, and making excuses for it. Excuses excuses excuses.

Yet I am taking care of myself, because I spent quality time with my husband (thus feeding my marriage.) I can't be SO hard on myself.

Yet, I know that it is so hard to NOT fall into old patterns here.

I just looked at my calendar. The week is clear so far. This means that I am going to hit the gym. No more late nights watching CSI or Law and Order and sleeping in. If I don't make the plans to do it, I won't do it. So, I am making plans.

I refuse to be lukewarm.

His plans are better than my plans

Sometimes I get so frustrated, because what I think is going on is what is not. Like I think I should talk to X about something, and it turns out that the whole point of me talking to X has nothing to do with that something, but everything to do with talking to X.

God is a relational God. He loves relationships, he created us for it. He sent his son for it. Yet, I am so silly to think that I don't need to have a relationship with X. No, God wants me to have a relationship with X, he wants me to heal that relationship, because that is what he is all about: Reconciliation.

Who am I to think that I know what God wants for me? I don't. I only know who God is, and it just seems that my intentions did not line up with his, and when that happens, God is going to line things up for me to see that, and act on it, and change my heart to line up with his. You see, when my will lines up with God's, I become unstoppable. I reflect his glory, and shine. I am tasty salt, YUM! If I love God, but don't love others, how much does that show that I love God when God loves them and wants me to love them?

Did I just confuse you?

Let me put it this way. If I say that I want to lose weight, but don't exercise and don't eat healthy, I am just talking. But, if I say it and follow it up with actions, it means I truly want it, believe it to be possible.

If I say I love God, but don't do the things that he loves, I am just talking, making a lot of useless noise. See 1 Corinthians 13.

I think the closer I get to God, the more I realize just how much further I need to go. But that's a good thing, don't get me wrong.

Acceptance

1. Denial- shock, numbness, panic, refusal to accept reality.
2. Anger- we may blame ourselves, God, and everyone around us
3. Bargaining- trying to strike a deal with life, ourselves, another person, or God. This is an attempt to prevent the loss.
4. Depression- our bargain having not worked, we become exhausted and become terribly sad. This is the time to cry, and it hurts. This stage begins when we humbly surrender, then we can begin the forgiveness process.
5. Acceptance- we are at peace with what is. We are free.

I am exhausted. This piece of grass is on my nose, and I can't get it off. I guess I am just going to have to accept that it is here, but it makes me sad. I can't change this. Only God can. I am glad for what is next, but that doesn't hurt any less. And there is so much more grass out there!!! What's a dog to do?

monday Weigh-IN

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 244.3
This weeks loss/gain: -1.2 (yeah!)
Total weight lost: 33.4
Weight to lose to NEW mini-goal(240): 4.3

A special thank you to my friend Paul who has been coming to the gym with me. Even if we don't workout together, its good not to go alone. Helps me to go!

I did a 5K today

I did the 5K walk for NAMI DuPage today. Thank you to all of my friends who supported me in prayer, thought, and the few who sent money for NAMI. I raised 75 bucks for the cause, so thank you!
It felt great to finish. My legs are killing me though from sciatica, but they were just fine for the walk! The weather was perfect!
Dave and I celebrated with breakfast at Butterfields. It was awesome.

Now off for the 5KK at work, just kidding.

Disciplines.... the RPMS model

Most people understand physical disciplines. They understand that you go to the gym, you eat healthy, you take showers. Sometimes, to work out harder, you change up your workout routine. You jog, or you choose fruit instead of fries. Your body needs to be taken care of to grow properly and to stay healthy. Most people do these things.

Most people don't understand spiritual disciplines. You see, in order to grow spiritually, or to stay spiritually healthy, one must practice spiritual disciplines. There are several things that you can do to "exercize" your spirit, or to keep your spirit "clean." If you are wondering why you just don't feel close to God, or why the spiritual things in your life seem thin, it might be because you are not practicing spiritual disciplines, keeping your spirit happy, healthy, and clean.

Just as there are fitness magazines, classes on healthy cooking, and different types of soaps and shampoos, there are different versions of the Bible, Bible study classes and small groups, and different types of churches. Each of these are designed to meet every different person's different needs. Some might be into weight lifting, and some into aerobics. Some might be into the Baptist church, and some might be Evangelical. Some just love to enjoy the outdoors by playing outside with their kids and running around in the yard as opposed to running marathons. Some love to read The Message as opposed to the King James version. Everyone is different, and you are going to have to decide what works for you.

I have to admit, I am way better at ignoring my disciplines rather than doing them. (For example, I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.) Some ignore one to do the other, like jogging in the morning instead of Bible reading and prayer. Some incorporate one with the other, like prayer while jogging. Some do nothing, like watching Judge Judy and eating a bag of chips.

What other disciplines are there? How about Relational and Mental? How are you improving your relationships and keeping them healthy? How are you working on your brain, challenging yourself to always be learning? I guarantee you that Judge Judy and a bag of chips is not doing that either.

This is what the culture at CCC calls the RPMS. (If we put it in the order I used, it would be SPRM, which is why I am sure the church uses the other one.) It helps to measure your velocity, or like the dial on a car, your RPMs... get it? It is a way that you can always be challenging yourself and each other to grow. So, how are you doing? Do you have someone holding you accountable to your goals and vision for yourself?

I have to admit, I have really let my partner down. First off, we haven't been meeting recently. That is going to change right now. Because I haven't had anyone but myself keeping me accountable, I have dropped down on my growth tremendously.

This 60-60 challenge is one of the spiritual disciplines I am doing, on top of reading my Bible and prayer. I am not journaling like I would like to, and feel overwhelmed often.

Physically I just have not been making it to the gym like I would like to, and my body feels it. Hello, read my Monday weigh-in posts.

Relationally, I have not been relating to much of anyone recently.

Mentally, I am not challenging myself like I should.

So, I figure if I am blogging about my physical stuff, why not the rest?

It is kind of like journaling, and I can type way faster than write things out.

One "seasonal" goal for me is to be a better employee. I want my attitude at work to change, because it sucks. Really, I do love my job, I love what I do. But my attitude has been sucked into the negatives, and that has got to stop. Am I doing what I can to be a "model" or "example" employee? HECK no. I need to start with a major attitude adjustment. I was just reading in 1 Peter about servants being the best servant, even when your master is the worst master. I am not saying my boss is bad, I am just saying I have been a servant with a really lousy attitude, and that reflects in my behavior.

Another "seasonal" goal for me is to improve my marriage. I plan on doing this by setting up two times a week I meet with my husband. One is for working, and one for playing. The working one will focus on growing our marriage, Bible study, communication study, etc. The playing one will be our "date" where we do something fun and get out of the house to help keep the romance alive.

Now that I have bored you to tears... I better go, don't want to be late to work on my first day of attitude adjustment!

monday Weigh-IN

Thanks Tam for the e-mail, while I might or might not have forgotten, your accountability is exactly what I need. So, here goes nothing....

Last weigh-in weight: 248.1
Today's weight: 245.5
This weeks loss/gain: -2.6
Total weight lost: 32.2
Weight to lose to NEW mini-goal(240): 5.5

I decided to add in the" this week" thing and post my exact mini goal weight, and make it a "mini" goal!
I had gotten to almost 40 lbs, and fell off the wagon, but I am back on track.
I also re-did some math using my original weight and found that I have lost more than I thought. My original weight was 277.7 at my first WW weigh in (oh that hurt to put) and I found my calculator disagreed with my blog,(so there.)

Now my challenge is to get to the gym, and be ready for my 5k THIS WEEKEND. Also not to read the headlines and worry about the depression headed to the US, but denial is my friend... right?

The sun does come up every day, even if I see it or not.

Introspective season. 60-60 day 19 update

I was hoping to do an update every 10 days, but seems that is not God's plan.

The last post I discussed feeling God's love.

This time, its all about me. How am I reflecting his love? I know that when I get busy, or I am hurting physically, I tend to look or sound pissed off. Why, because people have told me that I am. I admit that my facial expressions are not the best. I often say things because they are true without thinking about the look on my face.

One of my favorite Tree63 songs is "Joy" and it goes: Let me be a shining light for you, let me be a joy to you always....

I know that I love people, even more than I ever did before. I know that I reflect that when I am still. But it is when I am busy that I lose the intentionality of myself.

About oh, lets say a year ago or so, I read somewhere, something someone wrote on a blog or on a magazine article, or in a book "live life intentionally, not accidentally." Which has turned into a sort of "axiom" for me.

So, tell me if I am making a weird face at you. I am really trying to appear pleasant, but not fake. I am also watching the intonation of my voice. I know how often that can put me off with other people. Mostly, I am trying to watch my heart. I can get rushed, and stop being intentional, which is totally not what I want. I want to emit love in my voice. Especially at home. My husband is my first priority (after God of course), and I do tend to let my fences down around him because I am comfortable with him, and that could be our undoing. I know sometimes I am short with him and not because I mean to be. I love him more than anything in this world, and really want to continue to work on our marriage.

This growing thing is something that never stops. I am glad, because if I ever got stuck anywhere I have ever been, it would not be pretty. Thank God for second, third, fourth... continuing chances. Thank God for grace.

In order for me to be the leader God has called me to be, I have to start by leading myself. Its a constant process.

God grant me the SERENITY

I loved this prayer, even though I have avoided it for the longest time because it was a prayer for alcoholics, or so I thought. This prayer was not written for AA. Hmph. I did not know that. Now, of course, I have a completely different point of view on recovery, being a recovery leader.

Most people think that recovery is for drunks or addicts. You know, the guy on the street with a beard down to his belly and plastic bags over his shoes. Or that lady who comes into the grocery store to walk out with a cart full of wine... but not for me. Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing is ever for me. Things don't happen to me, they certainly don't happen in my neighborhood, and definitely not at my church or within my family. Yeah, right. Keep on living in denial.

Recovery is for people who are going through life and are having a rough time. The rough time could be a divorce, a death, sending your kids to college, getting married, moving, retiring, dealing with an illness (physical or mental), changes in the workplace, financial difficulties. Recovery is for anyone alive who is willing to make life better.

Me, I entered "recovery" when my depression worsened with my mother's terminal illness and death. I realized that I could not go through life alone, I was having a hard time making good, honest friends, and needed a place to go. (I realized I was powerless.)

I went to Celebrate the Journey. It wasn't easy. In fact, I left the first few times. But for some reason I kept coming back. Then I got more and more involved as my life started to change, and the ache started to go away. (Service speeds recovery.)

I am not saying I have it all together, I am not saying I still don't have aches. What I am saying is.... heck I need recovery more than ever. The deeper I dig into my hurts, the more I need support, the more I need accountability.

Because change is hard. It is so much easier to slip into my old habits than to change. Take my weigh in for example. Yes, it was a holiday, yes, I was out of town.... excuses excuses excuses.
Join us at Celebrate the Journey as we discuss the Serenity Prayer... Join me as I pray daily for serenity.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Yeah, yeah, yeah

So I didn't weigh in.
Shoot me.

Granted, I have a full stomach, here goes nothing. I know I gained, I am fatter.


Last weigh in weight: 242.7
Today's weight: 248.1
Total weight lost: 28.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal: 24.3

Looks like I have to visit my friend gym again.

60-60 Challenge: Day 10 musings

Check out the book on Amazon here. I posted about the 60-60 challenge after we got home, and I have to say the first few days had gone rather well. Then I hit this funk. The watch would beep and I was distracted. Oh yeah, I am supposed to think of God and then back to whatever it was. Then the guilt. I find that I am feeling guilty because I am not spending as much time as I want to with God.

Good news is that I am wanting to spend time with Him. And I am realizing how I have kept my work seperate a lot. When I get busy, I "don't have time" to spend with God. Oh, why now, I am busy God, call back later. Then something hit me today while driving to work.

Who is God, who is King? Quit trying to "force" God to serve you. You serve God. Get your a$$ off of that throne! You don't belong there. My new pal Lundie reminded me that God is in the room with me, and the beep is just to remind me of that. So, now I am feeling special, like God loves me.

God loves me so much that he wants a personal relationship with me. He knows I get busy, but he is always there. He is the omnipotent one, not me. He wants me to recognize that I am serving him in EVERYTHING I do. So, yes, sometimes I feel like a crummy servant.

Lord, I just want to be a willing servant. Just writing about you has filled my heart with the love you have for me. I am overwhelmed. I am not worthy. Yet you say that I am. Thank you Lord. Thank you Jesus.

Funny thing is, I forgot my watch today. I am constantly looking at the clock and thinking of Jesus, wondering if it has been an hour yet. I have not let even a half hour go by without thinking of God. I just want to be with him, I want him to be enough for me. Because lately, I have been slacking on my eating. Mindless eating. Peanut M&Ms eating... like half the bag before I make my husband hide it. I ate half a box of Wheat Thins the first night I brought them home. I wonder why my stomach aches!?!?

All of you, is more than enough for, all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, with you love, and all I have in you is more than enough. You are my supply my breath of life, still more awesome then I know. You are my reward worth living for. You're my sacrifice of greatest price, you're the coming king, you are everything.... still more awesome than I know.

I got excited because I realized I have 5 more of these "ten day weeks" left with God in the 60-60, so this will be fun. I know that God is stretching me, growing me, and working me awesomely. So much to pray for, so much to be thankful for.

If you wear it, they will laugh

It all started with Jason's post here. It was the end of July, and me having just signed up for the NAMI DuPage Walk for the Mind thought how great this story was. This t-shirt is not only funny (because it says balls) but anti-stigma for depression. I am so all about this. So I commented, jokingly, that I wanted one. Well, Jason said he had a few left, so he sent me one. I told himI would wear it to church! And here is the "ballsy" thing, I did. Above you see me in church, at our Welcome Table, (photos taken by our very own Amy) and in front of the Yellow Box with the infamous "balls tee." This was taken at the start of our 5pm service, so I did wear it at church, in service.

Yes, it did take me an entire month to get the photos on to the blog, life has been a bit busy, so you will have to cut me a break.

The best story for me was being concious of myself. Never before have I worn something that I wanted people to see and ask me about. But that meant everyone. Some people smiled, some made rude comments to others they were with. Some laughed to themselves. Some nerd named Eric thought I was just being wierd until I explained the story behind the shirt to him. (Truthfully, I still think he thought I was just being wierd.)

Most people were in good humor. Infact, I did continue to wear it on my date night with my husband. As we were leaving our favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse (hint for gift certificates,) this guy saw my shirt and busted up laughing, even pointing his finger at my shirt. It took everything I had just to keep walking and not do the same. Try explaining busting mental health stigma to a guy who had one too many beers while trying to be on a date... no thanks.

I just didn't have the "balls" to ask J. Ferg for a picture with him and me and the tee. It is a "New Thing" story, but I just couldn't do it!

I did promise to upload them to Facebook, and I am, as well as blogging about it... Thanks to Jason for the inspiration, you truly deserved your BVD award!

I will be wearing the Balls Tee for my 5K walk... there is still time to support me!