The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.

Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate.  Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.

Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school.  I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc.  My body had others plans, I overslept.  Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume.  It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done.  Until I get more pointers.  But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.

So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing.  I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.

I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated.  Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place.  I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies.  We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes.  We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th.  The new online programs are so easy to use!  I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there.  I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks.  Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!

Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store.  Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant.  We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away.  He liked that idea.  He likes to play war.  We ended up each having won one game.  Then he read to me from Garfield.  I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well.  I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school.  I learned a lot about life from him.  I read to him from Hotel for Dogs.  We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room. 

I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied. 

I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends.  Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well.  I like that.  Thanks God

Taking care of business - everyday

I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me.  Its true.  I love to find books for other people.  It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.

Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.

I bought myself 3 new books.  Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.

I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal.  Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition.  Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me.  My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer. 

Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me.  Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did.  How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons?  Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them.  Who knows but I thank God for the gift.

I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life.  I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it.  His was a movie waiting to happen.  A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments.  He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it.  It got him attention.  But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in.  They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.

I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits.  Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life.  Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.

Oh how stubborn I was.  I really had blinded eyes.  Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her.  Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her?  I was a kid, and I just wanted to play.  Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her.  I will have them one day in heaven.  I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed.  She had no fear.   That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so.  I regret not knowing her better.  Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.

In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned.  I miss my family.  I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such.  I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression.  I can't imagine how he lead the country. 

I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like.  This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess. 

I want to keep on.  I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.

I understand why Mom had to go.  Her time was done.  Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings.  Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that.  Jeramy asked what was so funny.  I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!"  And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing.  My ears didn't love it, but my heart did.  I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too.  Life is too short NOT to sing along.

The Monkey and the Fish

So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.

Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

- An Eastern Parable

My heart heart still sinks reading this.

I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.

Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.

Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed

Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.

I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.

But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.

Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.

It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.

Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.

I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.

So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.

I wrote this Sunday night...

Its after 2am and I am still awake.
Today was phenomenal. My heart just trembled as I swept my eyes up and down the hill. "Wow, this is unbelievable!" I believe it was just a glimpse of a sliver of heaven.

Shortly after I started coming to CCC, there was an all campus picnic. I hardly knew anyone, and spotted the pastors to keep entertained.

My how times have changed...

Today I didn't go a moment without seeing people I knew, and I lost count of how many meaningful hugs I imparted to dear friends. Sometimes all I could do was wave hello as they passed by.

Talk about IMPACT...

I was a lonely soul looking for significance and meaning in my life. Through COMMUNITY I have been able to connect to tons of people, celebrate my life instead of wallow in depression, and contribute to helping other people find their way back to God. I have found great love from God and can't help but want others to know the change, the resurrection life he has given to me is available to them as well

As I think and pray about what's next for me and my family, I can't help but to praise God for Community Christian Church and the impact it has had on my life. . Its people have become my extended family that has supported me and my family through some of the roughest years of our lives. I have learned and grown so much, I often find myself amazed!

I hope that I am able to pass on the great love that COMMUNITY has and continues to show me.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is...

So I am sitting in THE OFFICE where all the cool people work. Where the staff at Community churns out the good stuff. Where Lupe keeps everyone from blowing up the printers and copiers.
I have been doing work for Celebrate the Journey, helping get ready for launch. With my limited abilities, and the grace of Lupe, I have made nametags, maps, signup sheets, and the sorts. I have gotten a free lunch. I have said hi to people that I admire. I got to hear about a signed lease.

I feel like a dork writing about this.

But I am just enjoying being where church happens.

You see, I get super excited to be a part of where God is working at. And he certainly is moving here at COMMUNITY. And while I may sometimes feel like the quiet stalker type because I follow everyone on their blogs and facebook and twitter, today I get to be a part of it. For just one day. For now.

God has big plans to use me, and he is calling me to step up to the plate. And like it. I love it.

My stage debut

Okay, I got up and sang on stage today. In front of people. Not to make fun of myself. Not to gain praise for myself. But to praise God.

My friend Tony wanted to do an old school version of "O Happy Day" and needed a choir. When Deb and Tony asked, I thought they were joking.

You see, I am not really the best singer.

But something happens when I am praising God, I mean really praising him. My soul sings. Not me, but my soul.

Someone also handed me a tambourine. I guess I did a pretty darn good job. Especially since we had only one practice.

I am hoping Steve gets it up on Facebook so we can see it.

I had to remember to sing to the crowd. I forgot they were there, I was busy singing to God. Oh and the women on stage I have made friends with and are all lovely people. Everyone accepted me right in.

That touched me deep deep deeeeeeeep inside. The whole experience. I did it! I wasn't self-conscious, I was God conscious. The only pride I took was in my God. And when people said I did a good job, oh that was fun too.

So you have to pardon me, I am on a Holy Spirit high, and pretty filled with joy.

Season to write

In this new life, I always want to be moving forward. I don't want to be overcome, but I think one of the ways that God has provided for me is that I can write. Writing helps me to wrap my head around my feelings. The things that swarm my brain and my heart.

To everything there is a season, and with time off from leading a group, perhaps I need to take that time to write.

Okay, fine, God is calling me to write.

You see, I have this story to tell, and if I don't write it down, if I don't share what I know out of my obedient overflow, many will miss out.

God previously called me to be silent, to be still and listen as He did the work.

In this season, He is causing me to sing "I will not be silent" (ala David Crowder Band) and to share what the Lord has done through me.

Today I was invited to sit in on my church's All Staff meeting, where we had a guest speaker. Anne Jackson (another Anne with an e-- love it!) wrote the book Mad Church Disease. She talked about how serving should come from an obedient overflow and that phrase stuck out to me. You see I feel that by grace I am swimming in this overflow, unsure as to what to do right now. I have never been here before. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

God says to write. So here I go. Step one: admit you are powerless. God, this whole thing is so brand new to me. I don't know what I am doing. Step two: believe God can restore you. Father only you can lead me where I need to go. Step three: turn it over to Him. So I give this to you. This abundance you have placed in my lap. I humbly give it back to you.

Help me Lord to follow where you lead.

Meanwhile, at the topsecret blog

So, I have this top secret blog. Well, it was top secret in that only myself and my husband knew about it until yesterday. It was top secret in that I decided to start a blog to journal through my thoughts feelings and prayers relating to the calling I heard from God.

You see, I almost forgot about it, until I read something for my woman's Bible study group.

I mentioned and tagged the author of the book, giving her full credit. This morning she commented on my blog. Awesome. How flattering is it? I think just as flattered as she was that her book influenced me.

You see, when I really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that we are just two chicks who really did Jesus and got inspired by God. And our paths crossed. She and I are not better than each other.

Dave the hubby brought it up how people tend to worship the leader instead of God or a god. I tend to agree. Now, I constantly am joking about Dave Ferguson.... but its a joke. Yes, Dave is anointed and hears from God constantly. He is a brilliant man, but I don't worship him. I worship who he worships. I love him because of his passion for the Kingdom. I love him for his obedience to and his communion with the Lord. I don't think he has any special powers, I think he just uses more gifts from God than most people use. He is special, but I don't see him and fall on my knees.

Have you gotten to where you think someone is better because they are in the spotlight? An actor or actress? The only major difference between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and my husband and myself is that the whole world recognizes them. In actuality, I believe we have a better chance at success because Dave and I are not in the spotlight. Or how about a doctor, teacher, pastor, group leader?

I used to get caught up in worshiping the person verses the cause. But I got older, wiser, and frankly Tom Cruise put out some goofy movies I couldn't watch. That was before the whole couch incident.

We all have gifts and talents, God gave you some. Find out what it is... then, get your feet wet.

Thanks Jen.

Some more random things about me

30. I met Bo Jackson at a Sox convention that my friend Chris dragged me to. The whole excruciating experience and the long, long lines were worth it when Bo told me I have a beautiful smile. Bo knows ladies too.

31. I once was stranded in Mexico with no money. True story. Friday before we were supposed to leave, I went on a horseback ride. About half way home my horse (whose name was slang for "coke-head") decided to go into a gallop and being an inexperienced horse woman, I was not ready and fell off. When we got back to the ranch, my bag was missing. My bag had among other things: my room key, my last 50 pesos, and my ID! The airport would not let me fly back to O'Hare fearing a huge fine. The rest is another story for another day.

32. The very first crush I remember having was on Kenny Rodgers. When I found out he had plastic surgery and saw the results, I was very, very sad.

33. I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 1/2 years. We were engaged, and passed the wedding date, thank God.

34. I cried more when I lost my following May-September romance. That really broke my heart.

35. I have bit my nails as long as I can remember. My parents tried everything short of removing my hands to get me to stop. I still bite them, especially in the movies.

36. I have been a Cubs fan since I can remember and had a crush on/my favorite player was Ryne Sandberg. It wasn't until many years later that I found out my whole family are Sox fans, and we only watched Cub games while I was growing up because they were on TV. I am the black sheep in my family!

37. I hate Christmas movies, especially Its a Wonderful Life. No, I won't ever change my mind.

38. I have old matchbox cars that were handed down to me by a friend my parents had when growing up. I used to think they were so cool, now I am not sure if I should sell them or keep them for any future kids.

39. I never ever thought that the place I would most want to be on a Saturday night is a church, but it is! I love being at the Yellow Box and "doing church"! I spent 5+ hours at church Saturday night and still had to come back Sunday so I could attend service!

40. I find it easier to give things and love away than to accept things and love. Working on that.

41. I missed coffee, beer, and wine when I was pregnant, but mostly coffee. The upside to a miscarriage is you can have all three way sooner than you thought!

42. Legalists have kept me "away" from God for a long time. Yet the closer I get to Him, the more I want to obey Him. I try to remember this when I minister to others.

43. I was a smoker for many years, and the abnoxious non-smokers made me NOT want to quit. I try to remember this when walking past smokers outside.

44. If money were no object, I would buy a great camera, a great computer, and great programs to edit. Also likely video as well. I love photography, and while I would never make money doing it, I enjoy it. I like to find the beauty in people in things.

45. I am truly torn, I want/need a new computer (Mac) for me and (PC) my husband, a Tivo type device, and wi-fi for our new laptops. But, I don't want to add to our debt, and with a court case ongoing, I don't see anyway we can do this. That and I am trying to store treasures in heaven, chase the Almighty, not the almighty dolla'.

46. I found out that the house I was considering buying is back on the market but there is no way we could make enough money selling this place to move. I want to live closer to the Box, but I think God is keeping me here for a while on purpose.

47. How come the sermon series is about money just when money issues start attacking me? God, thanks for reminding me what is important! Actually Dave says the sermon always relates to his life. He has asked that he be warned if they are ever preaching on murder.

48. My dream is to one day be debt free and actually live within budget while still being able to give money/things away to people who have less. With this court case, it seems like it will be decades before we pay off the money we owe.

I've been tagged-- 29 semi random things "About Me"

Several people have tagged me in 16, 21, 25, 1 million, Things about Me...
So, I won't tag you back, too many people that I can't keep straight.
This is so that you get to know me better.

1. I feel like my life just began at 30 when I was baptized at CCC March 19. This March I turn 3.

2. My mom died that summer('06), and her illness and death is probably the best worst thing that has ever happened to me as I have been able to be my own person and I have dug deep and discovered a relationship with my Jesus. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy.

3. I have a very, very hard time remembering names, so if I forget yours, don't take it personally.

4. When I think of myself, I don't picture me as heavy as I really am. Sometimes the mirror reminds me I am fat.

5. I have always had a very hard time making "girlfriends" and an even harder time keeping them.

6. I have experienced two miscarriages this year. One passed natural and I just had a procedure for the last one. I really miss my babies that I never had.

7. There is an ongoing custody case for my husband's son. I know we are going to win, eventually. The process is just long and hard. Sometimes I wish we could just duke it out on the Jerry Springer show because she makes me feel that way.

8. I have one younger sister, and two cousins in particular that I am so close to they are like sisters. It would be awesome if we could all go with my aunt and our husbands to Disney together. (I have never been.)

9. I am the main breadwinner for my home, and fear losing my job because we are one paycheck away from losing it all. Yet, God keeps providing!

10. I seem to tell people too much about myself in hopes that we will somehow bond and be closer, and I wonder if it just leaves me open to scrutiny and to be made fun of but I wouldn't do it any other way.

11. God keeps urging me to tell other women that they are beautiful, yet I have a very hard time accepting it myself.

12. I fight depression everyday.

13. I feel closest to God when I read the Bible, and spend time with people. Being holed up at home keeps me away from both, and thus I go back to #12.

14. It was a combination of bronchitis, knitting, and having lots of sex that helped me to quit smoking. It was Dave for the last part, but it was before we were married! (oh taboo!)

15. I think I might be the only person brave enough to mention sex in her list more than once.

16. My husband and I have a running list for a drinking game to CSI:Miami, yet we don't drink.

17. My husband is my best friend. I am also very close with my sister, cousins and aunt.

18. I was born at the hospital I work at, and I joke that I will likely die there as well.

19. My name is Shelley Marie Egeland, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to help people find their way back to God.

20. My maiden name was two first names, and I don't mind that most people misspell my name now because they don't call me by my last name anymore.

21. I could have been an all "A" student if I actually did my homework and studied. Yes, I am one of "those" kids. Learning comes easy to me.

22. I love reading.

23. I hate bees with a mad passion. I once hit someone in the nuts accidentally running away from a bee. I also ended up in the ER after running away from a bee and landing my knee smack dab in the middle of a concrete step. Its the only thing I hate about fall.

24. I love my iPod, but I can't fill it up because my computer doesn't have enough memory. It's an old computer. I like podcasts of sermons as well as worship music.

25. If I could wish one thing, it would be that there would no longer be any poverty, and everyone in the whole world would have enough, a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear, medicine and healthcare. I also believe its possible, and we don't have to give up much of ourselves to achieve this. Yet we are selfish by nature.

26. I want a Crackberry, but Dave won't let me have one because he thinks I would never be found again.

27. The only "Reality" TV shows I watch are Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Girls Next Door.

28. Psalm 27:4

29. I have never ever been a morning person, and if you see me before noon and I look funny, its because I am tired!

The King (David) and I

First, let me list all the Davids in my life. There is my husband, my husband's father David, David Crowder, Dave Ferguson, David Caruso (CSI Miami's Horatio Caine), my friend David, my uncle David, Dave who plays the drums, David the statue, David Bowie, David Copperfield, David Letterman, The Harry and David Store, David's Bridal, Dave Matthew's Band and David from middle school that I am now Facebook friends with (I have 6 Dave/Davids as friends on Facebook!)

The one that I am finally getting to know is a guy thats been dead for centuries. King David, as in David and Goliath, ancestor of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy. I am reading this awesome study that I got my David for Christmas.

The more I read about his life, the more I identify. Did you know that David basically wandered and hid in the hills and deserts from age 17 to age 30? Seriously, that is what my life felt like. Then at 30, he finally became king, but didnt govern the entire country of Isreal for over 7 years! Could you imagine knowing you were going to be king for that long and nothing happening?

Of course, I didn't really know that God had big plans for my life until I was 30. My life just started at 30. Of course, I was baptized, and started to actually follow Jesus then. Not just go to church at Christmas and talk about how I was going to heaven because I believed, but ACTUALLY persuing to get to know Him and become like Him! (So many people just do, they actually aren't even close to being.)

Then of course Community is doing a series called 2.0 right now, and my small group is studying what it means to actually claim your adoption by God. And it all goes together. Yet David keeps me intrigued. Why? David slew lions and bears (but not tigers, oh my) before he slew the giant. He saw Goliath as just a tall hot head. He trusted in God immensely. He was a man after God's own heart.

But David had his downfall, and God is speaking to me now... don't you mess this up he says.

David had an issue with lust. He had a lot of wives and concubines, and therefore a lot of children. And he was too busy playing king to play daddy. And his children suffered. They were not the best kids. In fact, one of his sons raped his half sister, another raped all of David's wives. And all David did was get mad. His kids were out of control. David had left his wives and concubines to kind of raise themselves, and they needed a strong man in their lives.

I pray now that God will not let me forsake my family. You see, he has told me how great the plans he has for me are. I don't know what they are, but they are going to be more than I ever expected. And God gently reminded me not to screw up. Go after my heart, he says, but don't forget my heart is for you to have a family as well.

And I never thought it possible, yet here I am. Well, its getting late and I want to read some more about David, and keep growing. I want to trust that God is there, working always in my life.

(by the way, I haven't been online much, but for you folks who follow me, know I am reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment, much lest post on my own, but I love you and will be delighting your blogs with comments when I get the chance-love xraychick)

Much

1. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Trouble (Caedemons Call) H.I. larious

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Closer (Jars of Clay) cool, its a song about getting closer to God...

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What I want (Daughtry)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sing to the Lord (Hillsong) this is getting creepy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Home (Daughtry) Yes! I'm going home!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful, Scandalous Night (Robbie Seay Band) also creepy accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Sovereign Hands (Hillsong United) God has those.

WHAT IS 2+2?
You Thought (Skillet) this is the most appropriate ever

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Blessed be your Name (Tree 63) oddly I think of this as his song

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Alive Forever, Amen! (Warren Barfield) Hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Conversation (David Crowder Band) oddly enough, I thought I deleted it because its a phone call, not a song.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Grace (Phil Wickham)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You are my hope (Skillet) have already determined the "person I like" is Jesus....

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stars (David Crowder Band) if you listen to this song, and know my self-appointed nickname as a kid was Starr... its getting eerie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
King of Glory (Josh Bates) enough said.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Song to the King (Pocket full of Rocks) AMEN!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where We Gonna Go From Here (Mat Kearney) Dave Ferguson would call this "What's Next?"

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Bow Down (Chris Tomlin) hey, that is not a bad secret, is it?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin) now how could they not be?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Arms of Love (Kutless) if that is the worse thing that could happen, falling into the arms of Jesus, I think I am set for life...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Everlasting God (Lincoln Brewster) strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord! So, I die waiting?

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Let Love In (Goo Goo Dolls) owning a song by the Goo Goo Dolls?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fuego de Dios (Fire Fall Down) ((Hillsong United)) yes, spanish cracks me up

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
If I have not Love (Matt Redmond) this is the most accurate meme ever!

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Praise Awaits You (Matt Redman) interesting, already married... so must be to Jesus.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Love the Lord (Lincoln Brewster) you know, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength....

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pure Light (Matt Redman) guess God does

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Uncreated One (Chris Tomlin) how do you change that?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Majesty (Matt Redman) this makes sense...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Much (Ten Shekel Shirt)

I really needed a laugh

You have to watch all the way to the end.

Thank God for a sense of humor.

Change my name, change my name

Beyonce Knowles, formerly of Destiny's Child "Say My Name" fame has decided to change her name. Okay, first of all the name "Beyonce" is equivalent to "Bootylicious." So with the release of her new album, Beyonce is saying "I am... Sasha Fierce." According to the article I read, Sasha Fierce is Beyonce's Naughty Girl alternative personality.

Why would one change her popular name? Or is it all just a promotional act by the record company? Maybe she is just a Beautiful Liar, or perhaps she just understands that R&B stars are not Irreplaceable.

Anyway, Beyonce is always been Jumpin' to me. Secretly I am a Beyonce/Destiny's Child fan. That Independent Woman can pay her Bills. She certainly is Foxxy.

Disciplines.... the RPMS model

Most people understand physical disciplines. They understand that you go to the gym, you eat healthy, you take showers. Sometimes, to work out harder, you change up your workout routine. You jog, or you choose fruit instead of fries. Your body needs to be taken care of to grow properly and to stay healthy. Most people do these things.

Most people don't understand spiritual disciplines. You see, in order to grow spiritually, or to stay spiritually healthy, one must practice spiritual disciplines. There are several things that you can do to "exercize" your spirit, or to keep your spirit "clean." If you are wondering why you just don't feel close to God, or why the spiritual things in your life seem thin, it might be because you are not practicing spiritual disciplines, keeping your spirit happy, healthy, and clean.

Just as there are fitness magazines, classes on healthy cooking, and different types of soaps and shampoos, there are different versions of the Bible, Bible study classes and small groups, and different types of churches. Each of these are designed to meet every different person's different needs. Some might be into weight lifting, and some into aerobics. Some might be into the Baptist church, and some might be Evangelical. Some just love to enjoy the outdoors by playing outside with their kids and running around in the yard as opposed to running marathons. Some love to read The Message as opposed to the King James version. Everyone is different, and you are going to have to decide what works for you.

I have to admit, I am way better at ignoring my disciplines rather than doing them. (For example, I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.) Some ignore one to do the other, like jogging in the morning instead of Bible reading and prayer. Some incorporate one with the other, like prayer while jogging. Some do nothing, like watching Judge Judy and eating a bag of chips.

What other disciplines are there? How about Relational and Mental? How are you improving your relationships and keeping them healthy? How are you working on your brain, challenging yourself to always be learning? I guarantee you that Judge Judy and a bag of chips is not doing that either.

This is what the culture at CCC calls the RPMS. (If we put it in the order I used, it would be SPRM, which is why I am sure the church uses the other one.) It helps to measure your velocity, or like the dial on a car, your RPMs... get it? It is a way that you can always be challenging yourself and each other to grow. So, how are you doing? Do you have someone holding you accountable to your goals and vision for yourself?

I have to admit, I have really let my partner down. First off, we haven't been meeting recently. That is going to change right now. Because I haven't had anyone but myself keeping me accountable, I have dropped down on my growth tremendously.

This 60-60 challenge is one of the spiritual disciplines I am doing, on top of reading my Bible and prayer. I am not journaling like I would like to, and feel overwhelmed often.

Physically I just have not been making it to the gym like I would like to, and my body feels it. Hello, read my Monday weigh-in posts.

Relationally, I have not been relating to much of anyone recently.

Mentally, I am not challenging myself like I should.

So, I figure if I am blogging about my physical stuff, why not the rest?

It is kind of like journaling, and I can type way faster than write things out.

One "seasonal" goal for me is to be a better employee. I want my attitude at work to change, because it sucks. Really, I do love my job, I love what I do. But my attitude has been sucked into the negatives, and that has got to stop. Am I doing what I can to be a "model" or "example" employee? HECK no. I need to start with a major attitude adjustment. I was just reading in 1 Peter about servants being the best servant, even when your master is the worst master. I am not saying my boss is bad, I am just saying I have been a servant with a really lousy attitude, and that reflects in my behavior.

Another "seasonal" goal for me is to improve my marriage. I plan on doing this by setting up two times a week I meet with my husband. One is for working, and one for playing. The working one will focus on growing our marriage, Bible study, communication study, etc. The playing one will be our "date" where we do something fun and get out of the house to help keep the romance alive.

Now that I have bored you to tears... I better go, don't want to be late to work on my first day of attitude adjustment!

God grant me the SERENITY

I loved this prayer, even though I have avoided it for the longest time because it was a prayer for alcoholics, or so I thought. This prayer was not written for AA. Hmph. I did not know that. Now, of course, I have a completely different point of view on recovery, being a recovery leader.

Most people think that recovery is for drunks or addicts. You know, the guy on the street with a beard down to his belly and plastic bags over his shoes. Or that lady who comes into the grocery store to walk out with a cart full of wine... but not for me. Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing is ever for me. Things don't happen to me, they certainly don't happen in my neighborhood, and definitely not at my church or within my family. Yeah, right. Keep on living in denial.

Recovery is for people who are going through life and are having a rough time. The rough time could be a divorce, a death, sending your kids to college, getting married, moving, retiring, dealing with an illness (physical or mental), changes in the workplace, financial difficulties. Recovery is for anyone alive who is willing to make life better.

Me, I entered "recovery" when my depression worsened with my mother's terminal illness and death. I realized that I could not go through life alone, I was having a hard time making good, honest friends, and needed a place to go. (I realized I was powerless.)

I went to Celebrate the Journey. It wasn't easy. In fact, I left the first few times. But for some reason I kept coming back. Then I got more and more involved as my life started to change, and the ache started to go away. (Service speeds recovery.)

I am not saying I have it all together, I am not saying I still don't have aches. What I am saying is.... heck I need recovery more than ever. The deeper I dig into my hurts, the more I need support, the more I need accountability.

Because change is hard. It is so much easier to slip into my old habits than to change. Take my weigh in for example. Yes, it was a holiday, yes, I was out of town.... excuses excuses excuses.
Join us at Celebrate the Journey as we discuss the Serenity Prayer... Join me as I pray daily for serenity.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

If you wear it, they will laugh

It all started with Jason's post here. It was the end of July, and me having just signed up for the NAMI DuPage Walk for the Mind thought how great this story was. This t-shirt is not only funny (because it says balls) but anti-stigma for depression. I am so all about this. So I commented, jokingly, that I wanted one. Well, Jason said he had a few left, so he sent me one. I told himI would wear it to church! And here is the "ballsy" thing, I did. Above you see me in church, at our Welcome Table, (photos taken by our very own Amy) and in front of the Yellow Box with the infamous "balls tee." This was taken at the start of our 5pm service, so I did wear it at church, in service.

Yes, it did take me an entire month to get the photos on to the blog, life has been a bit busy, so you will have to cut me a break.

The best story for me was being concious of myself. Never before have I worn something that I wanted people to see and ask me about. But that meant everyone. Some people smiled, some made rude comments to others they were with. Some laughed to themselves. Some nerd named Eric thought I was just being wierd until I explained the story behind the shirt to him. (Truthfully, I still think he thought I was just being wierd.)

Most people were in good humor. Infact, I did continue to wear it on my date night with my husband. As we were leaving our favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse (hint for gift certificates,) this guy saw my shirt and busted up laughing, even pointing his finger at my shirt. It took everything I had just to keep walking and not do the same. Try explaining busting mental health stigma to a guy who had one too many beers while trying to be on a date... no thanks.

I just didn't have the "balls" to ask J. Ferg for a picture with him and me and the tee. It is a "New Thing" story, but I just couldn't do it!

I did promise to upload them to Facebook, and I am, as well as blogging about it... Thanks to Jason for the inspiration, you truly deserved your BVD award!

I will be wearing the Balls Tee for my 5K walk... there is still time to support me!

Welcome back to school

Not sure what to do this labor day weekend? Yearbook yourself. It is hilarious and just might take you back to the day, or your parent's day, or your grandparent's day. I know how much I look like my grandma now. Seriously, its sad.

What's also sad is how many of these hairstyles I have worn. Or how good I look in some of them. Like the fro! I so could have pulled that one off.... NOT!

Its quite possible that several of these could take the place of my senior photo. Infact, I think the second one is as close as it gets!

Ahh, will the wonders of the internet never cease!?!?

Mini-retreat summary

Yesterday I had a "date" with God. I put on my iPod, grabbed my Bible and a notebook and my camera and headed off to Herrick Lake. First I stopped for a lunch to eat. I hit the local deli and got a turkey sandwich, some Sun Chips and a Nantucket Nectar (pomegranate pear! yummy!) I brought that with me to the lake, found a spot to sit and ate.

Worship music pouring in my ear, my eyes started to work on connecting to and praising God. I watched people, and my eyes started to see photographs to take. I was only stalked by one large flying insect, which I swatted away quickly with a napkin and it was the end.

I turned to the Bible. What did God have to say to me? Psalm 27. He gave that to me as a gift. I wrote it out by hand, the whole thing. Then I decided to wander in His wonder. I started to walk and dove into the forest. I found a shelter that someone had made from fallen branches and bark. I wonder who was living in a shelter right off the golf course, if the forest preserve people had found it and if the group of kids in the woods would find it. I wanted to go in it, I wanted to take a picture of it. But no, it was sacred. I would not like it if someone did that to my house. I wanted to cry. I walked away. I didn't want the kids to find it.

I went into a clearing. I took off my sandals and walked and danced in the grass. I NEVER like the way grass feels on my feet, but felt compelled to yesterday, and I loved the way it felt. It felt the way I always wanted it to feel. Soft, comforting. The kids came out of the whole in the brush. A butterfly came by, I chased it for a photo. I only got one. I was in wonder of God.

I ended up on a bench, taking pictures of myself. I laid in the grass and took pictures of the grass. Hello! I laid in the grass! That was huge! And I loved it.

Every single word in this Psalm speaks to me, how does it speak to you?

Psalm 27

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my light and my salvation—
so why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger,
so why should I tremble?
2 When evil people come to devour me,
when my enemies and foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though a mighty army surrounds me,
my heart will not be afraid.
Even if I am attacked,
I will remain confident.

4 The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple.
5 For he will conceal me there when troubles come;
he will hide me in his sanctuary.
He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
6 Then I will hold my head high
above my enemies who surround me.
At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,
singing and praising the Lord with music.

7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.”
9 Do not turn your back on me.
Do not reject your servant in anger.
You have always been my helper.
Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me,
O God of my salvation!
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord will hold me close.

11 Teach me how to live, O Lord.
Lead me along the right path,
for my enemies are waiting for me.
12 Do not let me fall into their hands.
For they accuse me of things I’ve never done;
with every breath they threaten me with violence.
13 Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
while I am here in the land of the living.

14 Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Post Not-So-Secret

There was a time in my life when I would drive down the street and see Jesus hanging from the cross on every utility pole. I had to make myself stop. I can still see it if I want to.

In my Bible reading, I am still in Romans 5. I am going through the Message, so that scripture is fresh to me. Romans 5 is kicking my butt still.

Click here to read it online.

There is so much I could point out. Like why I associated Romans 5:6-8 specifically to me seeing Jesus hanging from utility poles. This sentence in particular sticks out :"He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready." I was far too weak and rebellious. I was that sinner that held Jesus to the cross.

But it didn't just end at Jesus's death. No, He rose from the grave, He conquered death. So, now I have this chance at a resurrection life that He offers. "If, when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son, now that we're at our best, just think of how our lives will expand and deepen by means of his resurrection life! Now that we have actually received this amazing friendship with God, we are no longer content to simply say it in plodding prose. We sing and shout our praises to God through Jesus, the Messiah!" So what is this resurrection life?

This is the chance to start over, the chance to be clean. The end of chapter 5 compares Adam's sin to Jesus's redemption. It is actually quite a beautiful allegory. From the second Adam screwed up, Jesus was intended to redeem us. It took quite a few years, but it happened. "If death got the upper hand through one man's wrongdoing, can you imagine the breathtaking recovery life makes, sovereign life, in those who grasp with both hands this wildly extravagant life-gift, this grand setting-everything-right, that the one man Jesus Christ provides?" Oh, let me grasp this life-gift with both hands! Reading that sentence, or should I say, misreading that sentence, I saw a phrase that is not really there, but it is. See the words "recovery life" together? What they intended recovery as a verb, I saw as an adjective. Maybe its because I work in the support and recovery ministry.

Jesus offers us the chance at recovery. This "resurrection life" I am living, in modern terms is also a "recovery life." Have you ever met someone that truly embraces their recovery? They sing and shout the praises! I have embraced Jesus! I want to sing and shout HIS PRAISE!!!!

Anywho, back to living this resurrection life, instead of sitting on the computer typing about it.

Thanks to Jason, this will include a "Balls Tee." I think I am a mega-dork, but I love this idea.
Maybe I can get my photo taken with one or several pastors at church in the shirt. Hey, its a NewThing, baby.