Hanging on the bottom rung

I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker.  She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down.  For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.

I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for.  I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this.  I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself.  He was the only good thing left in me.  I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God.  The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears.  Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.

Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again.  I devoured the text.  Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives.  I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked.  Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.

He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will.  God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own.  "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24  God destroys everything you put before him.  He warned me he would.  He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him.  I was in denial, oh I denied it.  I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry.  At last I was just empty.  Nothing.  Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.

I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears.  Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing.  She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us.  She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found.  Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation.  We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation.  We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64)  I understood that, I was there.


Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:

"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom.  The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year.  I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed.  With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating.  I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it.  Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong.  It is the nature of the beast."  pp 64-65

I was not alone.  I was not alone in my pain.  Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.

There is HOPE.  She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom.  I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung.  Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God.  I wasn't so lucky.  God had to get me fired.  He knew I would never leave.

I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots.  The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon.  What was next for them, they did not know.  Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)

I am in this tunnel of chaos.  But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.

Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book.  I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you.  Thank you for being my muse Jen.  Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will.  God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.

I may have been born on Venus, but I was raised on Mars

When I was in my early 20s, John Grey and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was all the rage.  At least they were in my house.  My mom and dad were going through counseling, so I in effect was getting the crumbs.  I read at least 3 or 4 Mars/Venus books that my mom bought.  I have to admit, it really helped me to understand men a bit more.  But to be honest, it did nothing but confuse me as to what a woman was.  I am still working on that definition.  I related a lot to Martian ways and thought that I was not truly Venetian.

The marriage book that is the rage right now is Love and Respect by Eggerichs I think.  It says women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected.  Its more complicated than that, but you need to read the book if you want more.  Anyhow, I tend to be really good at loving and really bad at respect.  I am working on it.  Yet I learned how much I myself desire respect.  I really have found I crave it more than I dish it out.

Its important for me to respect my husband, I understand that.  I also admit it is what I need to work on more.  I am finding right now that I need more respect that I ever thought.  I wonder if right now it is because I am unemployed.  Or maybe its because I was/am the main breadwinner in the house.  I am just starting to explore this area, and am putting it out there.  Thinking openly and wondering if I was born on Venus, but raised on Mars.

You see, I know that my mother rarely respected my father, and she demanded a lot of respect from him.  Yet it left her desperate, because all she really wanted was love.  The less my dad got respect, the harder it became for him to love her.  I watched as my mother's last gift to my father was love and forgiveness.  She loved that man desperately.  I don't know if my dad truly ever understood how broken she was, and how truly broken he was.  I don't know if he ever accepted that.  But I do know that I don't want to live my life like that.

I want to respect my husband, and I want him to love me.  Maybe I need to quit demanding respect and start handing it out.  Perhaps I need to go back to Venus school.  Perhaps I need to go back to Jesus school, who took off his cloak, got down on the floor and washed his disciples' feet.  Help me Jesus, to be more like you, and be the last.  For in dying I will find how to truly live.

Funny how the Kingdom works different than the World. 

Call me out - please!

Today I got something that I love- I got called out.  It was horribly true and confrontational, but for my benefit.  See, true real friends want me to grow, and not be stuck.  I love it.  I love my friend for what she said.  She isn't one for blogs, so when I write one I want to share, I have to cut and paste in email to her.  She nailed major issues on the head here.  So I want to ask you to read what she wrote, and be changed.  I want to not to burn out or fade away, but to shine on.

Don't be a shooting star on this one Shelley.
If I can be brutally honest here ( you know I will be because you are tough and you can take it and you also know that I love you)

You habit is to be a big shot - but just out of the gate.
Then you fizzle out. You need to KEEP STANDING if you know what I mean.
Look if you have a cause-FIGHT FOR IT
If you want to start and group- THEN STAY WITH IT TIL THE END
If you are writing a book - THEN WRITE IT TIL THE WORDS THE END ARE WRITTEN

Leaders don't just "start things" they see them through. They are people of honor ( hopefully) and I know the best leaders are transparent. They are the same on Sunday at church and on Friday nights. No one is surprised to hear that they are a Christian.-if there is surprise- then somethin aint right.
We are studying  "Sin in the Mirror" and it has been tough to swallow.

Taking my own inventory (ONCE AGAIN Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr)  There is always work to do on myself. So I will continue in Gods grace and mercy.

I never want to be the person that says one thing- and does something completely different! NOT EVER!

Be mindful Shelley that people are always watching you because you claim to be an ambassador of Jesus- I will be so bold to say ACT LIKE IT
You are the daughter of the KING -----ACT LIKE IT
We can give lip service and we can talk the talk- that is easy
Walking the walk however....another story

At the end of the day ask God to show you where you gave lip service or where you pleased Him and hear Him.
Just letting you know that God WILL show you and it will hurt for a while.....
just sayin...............
Been tough on me too....
join me on that challenge will ya?

I love you and believe in you Shelley Egeland

Yes, I am joining in on this challenge.  I am asking people to hold me accountable because like she said I also do not want to be the person who says one thing and does another.  Help me, pray for me, and join me if you will.  

Hakuna Matata- it means no worries

I was seeking answers, I knocked and the door opened.

I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace.  Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words.  I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else.  Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head.  I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.

How can I explain it? I cannot.  All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him.  I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me.  So, why worry?  Hakuna Matata my friends.  Okay, not quite.  Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles.  Is it going to be okay? Yes.  I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.

Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time.  Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam.  Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men.  In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move.  The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them.  So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him.  I think he was looking for a conversation as well.  Or "networking" as they call it in business circles.  We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always.  I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor.  I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through.  And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will.  He told me that I encouraged him.  It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?"  He said to me "you should listen to God's people."

I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal.  If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down.  But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths.  My hope lies in things eternal;  love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.

Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.

I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)

1. Write a book.  There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel.  There might be several books.
2. Discipleship.  Do it, work on it, commit to it.  I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House.  I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family. 

This is where I am called and to what.  Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.

A Message for all of my Celebrate the Journey friends

I wasn't there this Tuesday, and I likely won't be there next Tuesday for launch.

It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey.  This goes along with my season to lay fallow.  (See this post)  I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.

I still love Celebrate the Journey.  This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me.  In fact, I am considered a leader on break. 

Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family.  Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him.  I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school.  Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need.  When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children.  Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time.  These days are few, and time is precious.  Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next. 

Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours.  While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible.  As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it.  They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.

There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night.  Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times. 

I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again. 

God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be.  Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night.  It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate. 

I used to LOVE skating so much.  In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.)  My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad.  Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again.  I almost was getting it again.  Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often.  Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back.  Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills.  We even did two rounds in the couples skate.  Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.

Its times like this that I am missing out on.  And so please do keep in touch.  I mean it.  Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat.  I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey.  If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses! 

Living out of sanity

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Two Hands by Jars of Clay

Well the last month has been, well, a struggle to say the least.  Honestly I can say that my depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me.  The song above really lists a lot of how I feel. Pretty much every single word. 

The self I was and the self I am in Christ are battling it out right now.  You might have noticed my lack of status updates on Facebook/Twitter.  Well, I just haven't had anything good to say, I had forgotten much.  Yesterday, I had to run away from myself.  Thank God it was Tuesday.  Celebrate the Journey day.  My one day to come in and say I am broken and people say "that's great! Me too!"  I can feel like total crap coming in, and coming out feel so much better about it later.  I was in a spiral that needed to be broken and I broke it.

In group we talked about doing things our way, and how that doesn't really benefit us, but hinders us.  It was our last meeting as a group, and the leader bought us all cards and had us write a letter to ourselves, so that one day when the Holy Spirit prompts her, she will send them out.  Honestly I don't care if I never get it because I think it was what I needed that night.  That card, that exercise, that group.

I got a phone number from a person whom I love and she wants to be there for me.  I got told that I had taught someone a lot and I should not give up leading.  I got told that my humility and willingness to be lead and learn is a wonderful trait of a good leader.  I hear all of these good things about me, and I remember the joy I once held.  The spark that still resides inside of me as a burning ember waiting to be fanned into flame.

Somewhere inside this darkness and hurt is someone is loves life, and being healthy, and making good choices, and helping others.  Somewhere inside here is a leader with a heart to follow God's will.  Somewhere in here, somewhere...  And I haven't lost hope.  I haven't given up.  God hasn't given up on me, my friends have not given up on me.

Keep praying for me, help me thaw this icy buildup. 

I'm melting!!! Melting!!! (aka: turning into a liquid)

So today I dove into the Monkey and the Fish.  I was delighted. I was challenged.

Dave Gibbons tells a bit of his story as the book progresses, about how he had this huge church in the OC with lots of attenders yet he was missing the presence of God until he went to Thailand.  I love his honesty here.

I started to read things that I knew would be uber challenging to the majority of church attenders, even the majority of pastors in the United States.  Yet they were things that have been deep inside of me for sometime, even before I read the Bible.  I knew that what he was writing was the truth because it almost seemed ingrained into my soul.  I don't know how to describe it other than these things have been on my heart.

What things you ask?  Well, that being a Christian isn't about being comfortable and catering to other middle-class suburban folk.  Its about loving, and embracing those people that make you uncomfortable.    Oh how different the church would be if we actually could love our neighbor (and he also explains all of that!)

Third-culture is the term used here, but what that really means is accepting culture.  I accept and embrace your culture without trying to change it.  Different, right?  Radical love.  Kind of, okay, well exactly like the ministry that Jesus ran when he was on the earth, hanging out with lepers, prostitutes and slimy tax collectors, not the safe folks in the synagogue. 

I love how Gibbons weaves the Bible stories right in to support his claims and beliefs.  I love how he boldly states just exactly how he feels, and his hope for the Church.  I have finished chapter 3, and look forward to diving more deeply into this manifesto for change, and mostly applying it to my life.  I wish to be a monkey no more.

Being a liquid leader is in the subtitle, which is why I said I am melting.  A liquid takes the shape of the object that holds it, so you think about that for a little bit and chew hard.

I have to leave you with this quote, because if I could write a statement off of my heart even before I read this book, I would write this one from page 83:

This is the type of church and kingdom I want to be a part of -- a band of people who are messy, have addictions and shortcomings, make mistakes, get rejected, and are screwed up, but are so fully aware of the Master's grace and love for them in spite of who they are or once were or will be someday; people who embrace discomfort knowing there is so much to be gained for all of us and for all of our churches.  How?  In passionately pursing a biblical love for those whom the Bible defines as a neighbor.

The Monkey and the Fish

So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.

Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

- An Eastern Parable

My heart heart still sinks reading this.

I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.

Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.

Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed

Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.

I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.

But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.

Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.

It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.

Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.

I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.

So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.

My Story Story

I had a tremendous opportunity to attend a pretty awesome Christian conference called Story on October 28th. For FREE!!! I got hooked up to serve at the conference at registration. After registration, we were free to attend the conference. I was psyched, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit Storychicago.com.

This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.

I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.

I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.

I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.

I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.

And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.

This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.

I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.

I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.

some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.

Commitment

The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.

Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.

What does it mean to make a commitment to God?

See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?

When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"

Sounds like I am being selfish.

God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.

So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?

By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.

Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.

What is so scary for me?

I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.

God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.

Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.

This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)

Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.

What are you gonna commit to?

Catching up on the things in my head

I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.

Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.

I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.

As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.

Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.

I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.

I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.

Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.

I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.

10 things to ponder over the next week or so.

I was going to send this out in an email to folks, but recently I am trying to shy away from that. People tend to take offense to mass mailings and they might be offended by me.

What a better place to reach out to folks who want to read it than my blog. Likely if you read my blog, you don't delete my emails. Maybe you are just a Shelley stalker and you want to know what is going on in my life.

I am going to post from Perry Noble's blog. www.PerryNoble.com (in dark red letters)
This man is truly annointed and hears from God and is not afraid to speak the truth. I love that about him. I also love his southern accent, which makes all sermons easier to listen to.

A new season is beginning, I will be leading a group, as well as taking part in a retreat for Extraordinary Women, and things are just getting started.

I believe that the church is the hope of the world. I believe if Christians actually stopped judging people and started loving people like Jesus did, then we can see some real change in this world. I believe this is the beginning of a revival. They always start up early century, my grandfather was "saved" during one, and I am sure that Billy Sunday would be proud of what I desire in life.

In the meantime, take note that I am seriously devoted to these questions and hope that you consider them as well. God is so big, we need to stop putting him in a box.

In writing my testimony, I had to stop giving details about me, and start boasting about what Christ has done through me. Its all about God... anyway I hope to have my rough draft done this week.

God has been both encouraging and destroying me in my journey through the Psalms lately…and the other morning I began to write down some leadership questions that I always want to keep in front of me.

#1 – Will I Live In Fear Of God Or Man? Psalm 60:4

When I see who God is I am ruined! (Isaiah 6:1-8.) BUT…when I fear the opinions of man I will allow His vision that He has placed inside of me to be hijacked…and that will destroy me as a leader (Proverbs 29:25).

#2 – Am I Desperate For His Voice? Psalm 60:6

The answer to this would obviously be yes…if it were not for the word “desperate!” So many times I think we all say we want to hear Him…but the dangerous side of momentum is that, many times, things begin to go so well we no longer think we need to be “desperate” for Him…just an occasional “help me” prayer will do!

#3 – Am I Trusting Him To Provide For His Church? Psalm 65:9-13

God will take care of His bride…we are called to handle money responsibly, but I don’t ever seen an instance where He instructs us to worry about it!

#4 – Am I Desiring Average Or Awesome? Psalm 66:5

As I read through the Bible (especially the book of Acts) I seriously doubt that God’s desire for the church was to be a sub par organization for really nice people who occasionally do some good things. I believe His church should be a place where people can say, “what is happening there is SUPER-natural! ONLY God could have done THAT!” It’s so sad when the church shoots for “average” and has the vision to accomplish the lowest common denominator when we have a God who is capable of so much more.

#5 – Is There Anything Happening In My Life Privately That, If It Became Public, Would Disqualify Me From Ministry? Psalm 66:18-19, Psalm 69:6

I tweeted last week, “If we don’t make integrity an issue…then one day it WILL be an issue!” The stakes are too high for church leaders to live “private lives” that mock God and not expect Him to expose them. We’ve GOT to do whatever it takes to make integrity a priority in our lives!

#6 – Am I Wanting His Salvation Or The Name Of My Church To Be Known? (Psalm 67:1-2)

This is a hard question that I feel we must ALL wrestle to the ground because, when God begins blessing a church, many times a leader will slip into thinking the blessing is so that the leader can become more known RATHER than making the name of Christ known. Leaders don’t talk about this…but everyone who has experienced any level of success in ministry has had to fight this battle. It is one that will always be around…which is why a thankful heart and an intense focus on Jesus is essential for success over the long haul!

#7 – Will I Speak His Truth? (Psalm 68:11)

God has spoken…He’s just looking for people who are brave enough to declare His Word without watering it down…and care enough about His Word to handle it correctly.

#8 – Do I Really Believe He Saves People? (Psalm 68:20)

If I do…then the GOSPEL will govern my leadership and my preaching! AND…inviting people to give their lives to Christ will not seem like a hindrance but rather an HONOR!

#9 – Is My Passion For His Church Increasing Or Decreasing? (Psalm 69:9)

If I am not careful the passion He has placed in my heart can begin to fade away…which is why I NEED time with Him, proper rest and the right people around me to make sure what needs to happen happens! (BTW…the environment you are in will either pour gasoline or water on the fire that is inside of you–what type of environment are you in?) Jesus doesn’t use apathetic people to change the world–but people full of passion!

#10 – Do I Believe The Churches Best Days Are Ahead Of Her Or Behind Her? (Psalm 69:34-36)

If I believe the best is behind us…I will work to maintain. If I believe the best is ahead…I will work to achieve all that I believe He has planned!

Leadership Summit - reflections

It has almost been a week since the Leadership Summit.

It was an emotionally exhausting two days, not to mention getting there so early (hey for a second shifter 7 am is rough!) While I was not at my normal job, I felt more tired, more spent, and more abused. It was great!

Here are some of my reflections from the event:

1. It is very hard for me to sit still. Especially on a chair. I sat on the steps mostly when I did sit. My back and legs were exhausted, and I am still limping. I am not the type who can sit still for long. While I love the information, I don't like to be pinned down. I moved around a lot. Good thing I move for a living.

2. I love to serve, and I love to serve church leaders. I really enjoyed just being a greeter and handing stuff out to church leaders. I got to pray for them all as they filed out the door, likely never to be seen again. I got to strike up a relationship with strangers from another state who came down here to learn. I get so energized being around leaders who have the same common purpose as me. I saw a grown man cry and thought it was one of the most wonderful things ever.

3. I got to connect with people. I met folks that are deep into ministry that I have yet to run across as of yet, and shook their hand. I got to tell them I am a huge fan and pray for them. Just being a part of this event was fantastic, and put us on a level ground.

4. There are those that serve just to serve. Running an event requires people who run around and do stuff and don't get to sit in on the event. And they love it. They live to serve. And that just makes me love serving even more. I love it. Jesus loves it.

5. What God is doing in my life, he is doing all over. Hearing what leaders had to share about just confirmed that I am on vibe with the Holy Spirit. God has been summoning me to make changes in the way I think, feel, and live. And he is calling the rest of his body to do the same. I am not alone in what I am going through, and His timing blows my mind.

6. The local church is the hope of the world. This concept is not anything new, but just confirmed more and more every time. I truly believe that we have the resources to eliminate poverty. I truly believed that if we stopped putting up appearances and just started to "be" the church, then the world will change. I wish it didn't take a rock star to open our eyes to that. I keep getting drawn to connect with people who are doing just that... and I am stepping outside of my comfort zone to do so next week.

7. Nothing is impossible with God. While this also is nothing new, its something I often seem to forget. And it was nice to be inspired. To be reminded. Just what I needed to spur some of my own growth. Vision leaks and I just got my bucket topped off. Now I am ready to continue on and do what it is I need to do. I got off my butt, because I am really uncomfortable there anyway, and I am going to keep plugging. There is nothing like being on the winning team!

Evangelism

I need to pray this prayer more often:

Lord, I pray for an opportunity to share my faith with someone in some way. It’s not up to me to decide who or when or where. But I know why. Because you love them and want a relationship with them. So Lord, surprise me with opportunities to share my faith.

Forgive me for trying to do your job for you. You are the one who convicts of sin. You are the one who draws to Christ. But help me do my part as salt and light. Help me see those opportunities to react compassionately or listen patiently or speak kindly. Through word and deed, help me plant seeds of love in the lives of others. Give me boldness when it’s time to speak. Give me restraint when it’s time to listen. Give me words to say. But more importantly, give me ears to hear.

Lord, help me be sensitive to the prompting of your Holy Spirit so I can see the divine appointments you send my way. Help me not to be afraid of questions I cannot answer. Help me not to be afraid of people’s reactions or rejections.

Lord, help me preach the gospel every day, when necessary, with words.

In Jesus name, amen!

via Mark Batterson at www.evotional.com

Emotionally Invested

Have you ever wondered why you feel so bummed out when something doesn't happen? Probably not, because you were really emotionally invested, hoping that it would. I remember taking the leap and asking this boy out, only to find out that he didn't even know who I was. Talk about a bad ROI on those emotions.

What happens when your long term emotional investment pans out?

For the whole entire time I have known Dave, about 6 years now, I have known about his son. For the past two we have been working on gaining custody. The whole while God has assured me it will happen.

And it has...

And I am lost. You see, I don't think I have ever truly been emotionally invested in something that has ever really truly come out as awesome as this. Yes, there are difficulties with changes, but that is normal for having any child.

I know I am supposed to be happy. Yet I feel, have felt, locked. This sense of dread has come over me. You see, I just don't know how to deal with this success.

Or maybe its the bills that still need to be paid, oh how I hate money right now.

Or this sense that this is only the beginning, and God is going to keep using me, and for greater things at that, and am I ready for that? I am not worthy! Oh to wrestle with self-worth again. And weight, I have gained weight! Stress = food. Munching on Wheat Thins as I type! I love the crunch! (I should email willy wonka and ask for some calorie free crunch gum.)

Oh woe is me!

Mark Batterson wrote on his blog about nerves. "...it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence upon God." "At times, I don't feel like I'm ready or I'm qualified for the opportunity the Lord presents. It seems bigger than me. And it always is. But here is what the Spirit put in my spirit recently: I am not bigger than this moment but God in me is bigger than this moment. That simple truth has set me free. It puts everything in perspective. My excitement about who God is and what God is doing overwhelms my human nerves..."

So with that, I stop and pause. I need to get on my knees. I need to depend on God. God is bigger than me. I am just dirt. I am just clay. I need to just enjoy His blessings and remember that God is in control!

Oh, I still want to lay face down and cry for days. It is awe.

I am not worthy I say. God says I am.

Season to write

In this new life, I always want to be moving forward. I don't want to be overcome, but I think one of the ways that God has provided for me is that I can write. Writing helps me to wrap my head around my feelings. The things that swarm my brain and my heart.

To everything there is a season, and with time off from leading a group, perhaps I need to take that time to write.

Okay, fine, God is calling me to write.

You see, I have this story to tell, and if I don't write it down, if I don't share what I know out of my obedient overflow, many will miss out.

God previously called me to be silent, to be still and listen as He did the work.

In this season, He is causing me to sing "I will not be silent" (ala David Crowder Band) and to share what the Lord has done through me.

Today I was invited to sit in on my church's All Staff meeting, where we had a guest speaker. Anne Jackson (another Anne with an e-- love it!) wrote the book Mad Church Disease. She talked about how serving should come from an obedient overflow and that phrase stuck out to me. You see I feel that by grace I am swimming in this overflow, unsure as to what to do right now. I have never been here before. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

God says to write. So here I go. Step one: admit you are powerless. God, this whole thing is so brand new to me. I don't know what I am doing. Step two: believe God can restore you. Father only you can lead me where I need to go. Step three: turn it over to Him. So I give this to you. This abundance you have placed in my lap. I humbly give it back to you.

Help me Lord to follow where you lead.

Fireproof

"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it."

Since my house fire in '07, I have had many other "fires." In fact, I believe that my first fire was training for the next fires that came.

I had lived at my home for about 5 years without insurance. I finally did it, and I am not saying that it was the insurance that caused the fire, but I am saying that it was God that got on my butt to get the insurance.

My mom had always been my insurance policy. She died and I had to find other ways to do things. I didn't have her to rely on anymore, I had to be an adult. I got married, I got insurance for the condo.

The night of the fire, I got down on my knees, crying. "Why God? Why now? The first thing Job did was praise you, but I don't know how to..." and with that, I realized that I indeed WAS praising God.

Praising God is not saying "things are okay God, I'm fine, thanks." Praising God is being open and honest with Him, going to God with your deepest feelings and needs. Praising God is choosing HIM first. Praising God is seeking His heart.

I have realized that this world is fallen, and God doesn't cause everything that happens in this world. But what he does do, it take it and use it for good.

Everything was happening it seemed all at once, and if I wasn't part of a church family, I don't know where I would be. In fact, its all still happening. Life happens, life goes on. But what I love about my church family is that they love me, pray for me, support me, guide me, call me out, and hug me. They are Jesus in the flesh to me.

In the Bible, you read about "The Refiner's Fire" in which silver is placed so that all of its impurities are burned out of it, so that it shines brightly and reflects the face of the refiner. I think that THAT is what being fireproof is, burning out the impurities in your life. That is what God does, he gets rid of the sin in your life, making you more the way he intended. Leading you into a life that is truly life.

As hard as it is, being put in the fire, I love coming out. Don't stop refining me Lord!

God-incidences

Sometimes things just are too funny because they are exactly what is on my heart.

Take www.PerryNoble.com, a blog by a pastor out in South Carolina. I open it up to read just about exactly what is on my heart...

Also thanks to "Helper of Mankind" who never reads my blog, but if she does she knows who she is for the "God appointed" phone call. His time is always best!

Now, with my apologies to Pastor P:

Here are some thoughts that I really feel the Lord has been pouring into me recently…

• “You have no idea how HUGE I am!”
• Right now God is at work…doing things that I am COMPLETELY unaware of…but will reap the results of when He thinks I am ready.
• He doesn’t need me…I need Him!
• I am NOT the source of one single blessing in my life–HE IS!!!
• When HIS vision consumes me I will be both overwhelmed and overjoyed!
• When you play around with sin…there are always consequences!
• If I can accomplish “His vision” without HIS help…then it isn’t “His vision!”
• He leads me step by step–NOT in three to five year plans!
• He is Sovereign and is not surprised by anything.
• “DO NOT SETTLE!”
• God often works through the “impossible” to accomplish the “unbelievable!”
• I need to live in faith…NOT in fear!
• The key to continually taking my marriage to the next level is to stop seeking things from him and to start going all out to serve him!
• The world belongs to Him and not the stock market.
• My responsibility as a leader is to set the next generation up for success.
• So goes the leader–so goes the people.
• I need to have more fun!!!

Can’t wait to see what He says next!!!

Meanwhile, at the topsecret blog

So, I have this top secret blog. Well, it was top secret in that only myself and my husband knew about it until yesterday. It was top secret in that I decided to start a blog to journal through my thoughts feelings and prayers relating to the calling I heard from God.

You see, I almost forgot about it, until I read something for my woman's Bible study group.

I mentioned and tagged the author of the book, giving her full credit. This morning she commented on my blog. Awesome. How flattering is it? I think just as flattered as she was that her book influenced me.

You see, when I really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that we are just two chicks who really did Jesus and got inspired by God. And our paths crossed. She and I are not better than each other.

Dave the hubby brought it up how people tend to worship the leader instead of God or a god. I tend to agree. Now, I constantly am joking about Dave Ferguson.... but its a joke. Yes, Dave is anointed and hears from God constantly. He is a brilliant man, but I don't worship him. I worship who he worships. I love him because of his passion for the Kingdom. I love him for his obedience to and his communion with the Lord. I don't think he has any special powers, I think he just uses more gifts from God than most people use. He is special, but I don't see him and fall on my knees.

Have you gotten to where you think someone is better because they are in the spotlight? An actor or actress? The only major difference between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and my husband and myself is that the whole world recognizes them. In actuality, I believe we have a better chance at success because Dave and I are not in the spotlight. Or how about a doctor, teacher, pastor, group leader?

I used to get caught up in worshiping the person verses the cause. But I got older, wiser, and frankly Tom Cruise put out some goofy movies I couldn't watch. That was before the whole couch incident.

We all have gifts and talents, God gave you some. Find out what it is... then, get your feet wet.

Thanks Jen.

You 2.0 Journal day 2

CCC gave out Big Idea Journals this weekend. Its awesome, because its just what I needed to get back in the habit again.

Today's reading is Romans 12:1-16.

The question for pondering is: Would the people I know describe me as someone who does church/Christianity as a hobby? Or, would that describe me as someone who tries to live like Jesus in all areas of my life?

I personally love the beginning, where it says to give your bodies as a living sacrifice. Not just your self, but your body. I love how more and more as I don't copy the behavior or customs of this world, but allow God to transform my mind, I do change. It is a transformation that has brought me deep joy and fulfillment. It makes me question why I ever had my back turned on God.

Then I remember how the world is so tempting, chocolate, credit cards, fast cars, hot men and women, beer and liquor, and fast food.

God my prayer is this, let me never take my eyes off of you and your truth, your promises. May I always seek you with all my heart, no matter where it may lead, because it is in doing that I find true joy.

So tell me, if you know me, leave an anonymous comment... is Christianity just a hobby, or is it who I am?

Then ask yourself, because I know where I stand with God. I truly wish that you would pursue Christ with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Turn yourself into a living sacrifice. Grateful that Jesus died, and rose again, defeating death, so that we may inherit the great Kingdom. Maybe you just need to get to know who this God is, and what it all means. Let me know, email me icanseerightthroughyou at g mail dot com.