Kindred Spirit

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a kindred spirit as: "an individual with the same beliefs, attitudes or feelings as oneself."

It is rare in your life to come upon such a person where you just click.  I have found her.  Someone else who thinks the way I do, who gets me.  I also know we share many similar doubts, insecurities and fears.  


Really we have bonded instantly, and I appreciate how she just loves that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  We also share the love of Anne of Green Gables.  I fell in love with Anne with an e immediately as a teenage girl.  We both have the oft forgotten "e" in our names as well as being characters.  


While my friend and I aren't Diane and Anne, we certainly bonded like they did.  There is something about finding companionship with another person that accepts your faults and understands your behavior. Now, this isn't to say that I have romantic feelings or anything of the sort.  But I feel free to express my love and gratitude to her in word and deed without ridicule.  Slowly but surely something inside of me is being healed in a way that words no longer serve as well as the tears of joy in my eyes.


And for my first dear kindred spirit: alatsatmse :)

Proceed as if

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Some people might think I am nuts when I say I have heard from the Lord.  I truly believe that God has told me to pursue custody of Jeramy, and we won.  It was a long hard battle.  We got rainbows and songs on the radio and words of encouragement and truth when we needed, and we hobbled along.  Oh how I leaned on Isaiah.  It was more like God carried us.

Which is how it has been today.  The impossible is now possible.  We proceeded as if ... and it did.  God came through in a big way.  We applied for the apartment knowing that we couldn't come up with the money on our own.  God provided.

We will be a family, together.  Will will be away from abuse and fear.  We will have shelter.

And I won't take this lightly.  I plan on using this home the way God wants me to. As a family we are going to be intentional ambassadors to the community, and to invite people into our home, and into our lives.  It won't be easy, but its bound to be fun, and its certain to be good.

I feel like our family has a chance at our future.  Its all happening, and its all God.  I acted in faith and He met me.  I am floored.  Thanks Lord, words seem insufficient. You rock!

Giving up the goat

I have had a lot of things to lose recently.  Things I need to get rid of and leave behind me, things that need to be consumed in the fire.  Pride is of course the first thing I struggled with.  Its funny how you can think you don't suffer from pride, until that becomes your pride.  I was prideful, and as you know, pride comes before the fall.  Oh, I tripped right on that pride.  I had many things to be prideful of, and one by one, I had to look them in the face and watch them slip away.

My job, my home, my husband's job, my security, my provision, my power, my plans, my ideas, my strength, my, my my. 

I have been surrounded instead by His power, His grace, His provision, His security, His shelter, His love, His strength, His plans.

When I think about how stubborn I truly was I thought of the phrase "giving up the goat" and so I googled it.  Turns out that phrase is incorrect, a misquote of "giving up the ghost" meaning: to die.  Hmmph.  Yes, that's exactly what this is.  Its putting myself on that cross, dying to myself, and putting Him on the throne.  Oh, and being incorrect about it for a long time.

I was so stubborn, it took 30 years before I let Jesus deep into my heart.  Then it took me another 4 before I truly got it.  Want to know how I got it?  He took it all away.  Now, this is not something that I wasn't warned about, and a lot of it was in choices I made, jumping ahead of the game and following my will instead of his.  Where I am is a combination of my will fighting against God's will, and Him making all things work together for my good.  It is truly a process.

Perhaps the biggest lie that the devil could convince a Christian is that being a Christian makes life easy.  Jesus is the answer, yes, but the right answer is never easy.  There is no magic pill that makes me look like Christie Brinkley.  There is no money tree that gives me everything I want.

What I have found is that God provides what I need, and I cannot ask for more.  Sometimes I can't see how, and I have no hope, and at the last minute he comes through.  All things I need appear at just the right time, much like when Abraham brought Isaac up the mountain.  Surely a ram was provided sparing the boy from his death, and perhaps this is the goat we must give up.  If we give up this goat, we save ourselves from certain death.

I trust you God.  Help me with my untrust.

Suburban Nomads

My husband and I were joking today.  He said he didn't like to feel like such a wanderer.  I said that if the Isrealites wandered a desert before they found a home for 40 years and then had to fight for it, we aren't doing too bad.  We haven't made any golden calves yet.  We haven't had to rely on Manna, although it feels like it.

As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again.  Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on.  God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet.  This time it will be a good 15 miles for us.  For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college).  Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.

We will be closer to our friends and church.  The schools will be great.  The neighborhood is great.  I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality.  I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do.  But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.

I am truly embracing God's love for me right now.  I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there.  God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy.  But oh its good.

We'll leave the light on - shining some insight in Luke 8

If you are reading this on Facebook, type in the verses in Bible Gateway to read along, or grab your Bible.  Or you can go to my original post and click the links in there to read the Bible passages along with the blog.  Its pretty deep, and if you want to understand it, you should read the Bible along with this post... Thanks.  

Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18. 

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed.  Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.

Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives.  We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark.  It's never too late to come over.  In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house.  A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.

I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see.  I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.

This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc.  Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find.  The next is the personal level.  See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp.  I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever.  I am laid out, open.  Everything.  First and foremost to God, secondly to the world.  I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in.  I am to be shining, and bright.  This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached.  This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom.  I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.

I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives.  I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others.  Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.

Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."  This means so much and yet so little.  Yet I get it.  I hope to anyway.  What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us? 

See, I think in parables.  I get it now.  I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories.  Its how I understand life.  It is how I live.  To me, I get what Jesus says.

Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away.  Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed.  My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from.  But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.

I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.

I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again.  And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have.  You know why?  I don't have a thing.  I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God.  Without Him, I am lost.  Without Jesus I have no hope.  God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own.  So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away.  I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King.  For He provides all I need.

Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before.  And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from.  And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them.  Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus.  Amen.

I may have been born on Venus, but I was raised on Mars

When I was in my early 20s, John Grey and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus was all the rage.  At least they were in my house.  My mom and dad were going through counseling, so I in effect was getting the crumbs.  I read at least 3 or 4 Mars/Venus books that my mom bought.  I have to admit, it really helped me to understand men a bit more.  But to be honest, it did nothing but confuse me as to what a woman was.  I am still working on that definition.  I related a lot to Martian ways and thought that I was not truly Venetian.

The marriage book that is the rage right now is Love and Respect by Eggerichs I think.  It says women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected.  Its more complicated than that, but you need to read the book if you want more.  Anyhow, I tend to be really good at loving and really bad at respect.  I am working on it.  Yet I learned how much I myself desire respect.  I really have found I crave it more than I dish it out.

Its important for me to respect my husband, I understand that.  I also admit it is what I need to work on more.  I am finding right now that I need more respect that I ever thought.  I wonder if right now it is because I am unemployed.  Or maybe its because I was/am the main breadwinner in the house.  I am just starting to explore this area, and am putting it out there.  Thinking openly and wondering if I was born on Venus, but raised on Mars.

You see, I know that my mother rarely respected my father, and she demanded a lot of respect from him.  Yet it left her desperate, because all she really wanted was love.  The less my dad got respect, the harder it became for him to love her.  I watched as my mother's last gift to my father was love and forgiveness.  She loved that man desperately.  I don't know if my dad truly ever understood how broken she was, and how truly broken he was.  I don't know if he ever accepted that.  But I do know that I don't want to live my life like that.

I want to respect my husband, and I want him to love me.  Maybe I need to quit demanding respect and start handing it out.  Perhaps I need to go back to Venus school.  Perhaps I need to go back to Jesus school, who took off his cloak, got down on the floor and washed his disciples' feet.  Help me Jesus, to be more like you, and be the last.  For in dying I will find how to truly live.

Funny how the Kingdom works different than the World. 

Love is...

Don't let anyone ever say that people who have depression are just trying to get attention.  Don't you know that people who have depression are trying to disappear and would love nothing less than to be ignored.  They need attention, don't get me wrong, but everyone does.  I need attention, I need love. 

I am broken, I learned wrong what love was.  I wasn't shown how to act when I needed love.  I didn't dare ask after a while out of fear I would be disappointed.  I learned to run to the wrong things, the wrong people because I needed love.  Heck, I started smoking in high school because I saw a community that hung out and all got along and talked, and I needed that so badly.

I can't remember something specific that happened to me, but I do remember my grandmother hung up on my sister when she called her late at night and scared.  My sister reached out for help, love and protection, and instead got yelled at.  In my life, I often saw examples of being shown hate when asked for love.  Oh it wasn't always intentional.  It comes from generations of brokenness.

How do I stop the madness? (Without conjuring up an image of Susan Powter in my head?)

Its a choice.  I don't always make the right choices, but I know better, and I deserve better.  Slowly, but surely I am figuring it out.  Its a "one day at a time" process.  It involves asking for help, or reaching out when I need love, from good people who can love me.  That is probably one of the very best things about getting involved at my church, is getting to know wonderful people who are all working on it, and we lean on each other.  Of course we all look to Christ as the source, but it sure helps when we remind each other.

One of those things that I need is Truth.  A good friend told me to focus this week, and so I am to read only Luke 8 for my Bible time, read it every day and journal about what I learn.

I also let my son know that I want to love him always, and asked him how I can let him know I love him.  (Quality Time is his love language)... and I am off to spend time with him.

Feeling pursued, in a good way

God for certain has been after my heart.  I cannot deny this.  What he seeks is nothing but the best for me, and I need to give up all of my ideas of what that means.  I need to cast aside any image I may hold of my Lord and let him show me his face.

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that.  Well for me it has anyway.  I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day.  Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey. 

The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles.  Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.

My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it.  Its kind of funny how God works like that.  I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings.  I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me.  It can only be the Holy Spirit.

Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me.  And I mean by this the life that is truly life.  I mean by this the life that God intended for me.  I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.

God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.

I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me.  What's next Abba?  Where are we going together Lord?

And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me.  The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good.  Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.

My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed.  Now I value things that I cannot lose.  My God meets me there, and I am so grateful.  He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing. 

Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me.  Peace rules.  Jesus rules.

its kind of funny....

Yesterday, after I posted "Funny Thing" I read my Bible.  I am reading "The Voice" version for a fresh look at the Gospels.

In Luke 7, Jesus is eating dinner at Simon the Pharisee's home.  In walks a woman of ill-repute and cries at his feet, washing his feet with her tears, kissing them and and pours a very expensive perfumed oil on his feet.  Jesus then asks Simon who would be more appreciative, the one forgiven a small debt or great debt.  Simon doesn't even have to think- its obvious the one who was forgiven more.  Jesus says "good answer."

Now Jesus turns around so He's facing the woman, although He is still speaking to Simon.
Jesus: Do you see this woman here?  Its kind of funny.  I entered your home, and you didn't provide a basin of water so I could wash the road dust from my feet.  You didn't give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome.  You didn't offer me the common courtesy of oil to brighten my face.  But this woman has wet my feet with her own tears and washed them with her own hair.  She hasn't stopped kissing my feet since I came in.  And she has applied perfumed oil to my feet.  This woman has been forgiven much, and she is showing much love.  But the person who has shown little love has shown how little forgiveness he has received.
(to the woman) Your sins are forgiven.
Simon and friends (muttering among themselves): Who does this guy think he is? He has the audacity to claim the authority to forgive sins?
Jesus (to the woman):  Your faith has liberated you.  Go in peace.

So after just having written Funny Thing, I was caught by that phrase "Its kind of funny."  Now italics indicate an implied meaning in the Voice- like the translation is not literal, but it is what it would have meant in the original greek or hebrew.  They do this so the reader does not have to use footnotes.  I love it. 

I set the book down, and turned to my husband and said "I'm in love with another man more than you and His name is Jesus."  You see, its kind of funny how you have to lose your life to find it again.  Its kind of funny how the least shall be the greatest.  Its kind of funny how a baby boy was laid in a wooden feeding trough at the beginning of his life, and laid on a wooden cross at the end.  Both for the world to know God.  How our God loves us so much that he took the first step because he knows how darn stubborn we are.

Its kind of funny, how I can smell the earthy smell of Jesus' feet.  See as my tears hit his dirt stained skin.  Watch my long, beautiful prized hair get soaked in mud.  Taste the earthy warmth as I kiss those feet.  Smell the perfume as it hits his feet and the smell permeates the room.  Listen as Jesus sharply tells off the pharisee.  No man has ever stood up for me before like this.  Truly He is who he says he is.  Feel the forgiveness that God has granted.  Feel the the liberation when Jesus speaks to me.  "Your sins are forgiven.  Your faith has liberated you, go in peace." Not caring as I leave the house knowing that my Savior loves me, despite all of the pharisees' eyes burning holes in my back.  Walking, no - running to tell my friends what has just happened.  Changing my life because now I am free, now I am loved. 

Let me ask you something.  Have you ever been there? 

That is grace. 

I will never forget the feeling - or at least I pray that I never do. 

Its kind of funny, I never thought that the smell of feet and dirt would remind me of my Savior.  Now I will never be the same.

Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

I need EASTER

I need Easter this year more than ever before. 

I need to remember that Jesus didn't just die on the cross for my sins and it ends there.  I need to remember that he rose again, and defeated death.  The life I lead doesn't have to stay on the cross, but can be a resurrection life.  I can't believe I live much of my life as if Jesus died on the cross, but not as the tomb was empty. 

I need to embrace being shaped by the Potter, this broken piece of clay.  I am not alone.  I need Jesus more and more all the time.  I wish Jesus was like a magic wand, its not.  In fact I told someone tonight that my life has gotten way more complicated since I gave him my life in '06.  Jesus doesn't make us think that this life is an easy one.  He reminds us often it is not.  In John 16:33 Jesus tells us "...in this world you will have trouble. But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  I hang tight to that, in my dear savior's arms.

Knowing the financial trouble I am in is due to the legal case I have been involved in.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  People and relationships matter more to me than stuff, houses, or any stability.  Because you know in the end you can't take any of that with you, but you can impact lives and hearts with your own.

I want to stop being all about me, and more about Jesus.  I want to serve those who need his love.  I want Jesus to greet me from the shore, cooking breakfast- RISEN.

Not what I planned

This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.

It started Monday.  I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school.  Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45.  I was supposed to meet a friend at 10.  Instead, that happened at 11.  Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch.  I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox.  We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it.  They said it would take 2-3 days.  As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results.  That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off.  BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. 

I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment.  That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight.  Which NEVER happens.  It was good.

Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week.  I think we both needed it.  He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it.  My love for him goes deeper than words.  I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before.  I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before.  It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be.  I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid.  I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.

Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son.  A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet.  I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready.  And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this.  But I did.  Because you see, I didn't plan this.  God did.  Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy.  Call me crazy, but I did.  And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child.  So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now.  I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was. 

Often I wonder what she would say, my mom.  But to tell you the truth, I already know.  I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her.  I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid.  Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat.  I can't help it, her spirit lives on.  The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it.  Its okay.  I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy.  Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley.  I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.

I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy.  I mean, I guess I did.  I didn't think it would be this easy.  I didn't think that he would love me so much already.  He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life.  Despite all the pain.  Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things.  I would go through it all again for him. 

Which is why I understand how much God loves me.  How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him.  I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain.  Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know.  Its lying that I hate.  He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart?  Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of?  So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie.  I don't like to lie.  I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.

Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes?  Maybe its just because he doesn't know how.  It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being.  At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.

God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it.  I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path.  I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best.  I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next.  All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still.  I am trying Lord.  I am trying.

The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.

Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate.  Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.

Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school.  I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc.  My body had others plans, I overslept.  Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume.  It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done.  Until I get more pointers.  But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.

So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing.  I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.

I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated.  Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place.  I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies.  We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes.  We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th.  The new online programs are so easy to use!  I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there.  I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks.  Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!

Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store.  Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant.  We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away.  He liked that idea.  He likes to play war.  We ended up each having won one game.  Then he read to me from Garfield.  I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well.  I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school.  I learned a lot about life from him.  I read to him from Hotel for Dogs.  We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room. 

I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied. 

I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends.  Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well.  I like that.  Thanks God

Love Hurts- (but sometimes its a good hurt)

I have been faithfully reading Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  Today's entry is about love hurting.  That Jesus hurts.  You can't be adversely affected by Christ without feeling hurt.  I want to expand on it, work it out, journal it, whatever. 

You see, Jesus calls you to change.  To die.  To die to yourself.  And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts.  Jesus is truth, is light.  The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away.  The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself.  Jesus asks one question to prove us.  "Do you love me?"

Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer.  Many people say that they love Jesus.  In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times.  Why three?  Because he denies him thrice?  All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings.  Yes the second time to confirm my feelings.  And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth. 

What does it mean to love Jesus?  I mean to truly love Jesus.

Let's look at die hard sports fans.  I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves.  Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts.  They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio.  Everyone would know that they loved that team.  Some might even get in fights over them. 

I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs.  I own a shirt or two, watch a few games.  But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere.  They buy season tickets.  I would call those people two yes folks.

What would make the third yes?  Stepping out onto the field and playing.  Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams.  But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church.  Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest.  You don't have to be Billy Graham.  You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team.  What does that mean? 

Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure.  That was before he knew.  Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God.  But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected.  He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment.  When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore. 

I often can picture myself doing this.  Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea.  Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary.  Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear.  But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior.  It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus.  Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.

Of course Jesus was more than welcoming.  Peter then became the third yes type.  You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing.  Why?  Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought.  Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on.  Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel. 

Not all of us are called to leave our jobs.  Not all of us are called to travel around the world.  Yet we are all called to follow Him.  To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection.  Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people.  They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk.  But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer.  If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot.  Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing.  There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger.  There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing. 

People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life.  Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker.  Are you in?  Do you play the game?  Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?

Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature.  We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord.  Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do.  And oh yeah, you have to die daily.  Every single day is a choice.  Every single day you need to chose whom you serve.  Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.

And I ain't saying I am perfect in this.  I struggle every single day.  Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day.  Love hurts.  But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there.  Without his love, I won't survive.

Can't buy me love

I came home yesterday to find the door was jammed.  Turns out I came home early and the boys were rushing to set up a surprise for me.  I was greeted with a giant balloon, flowers, chocolate, and a cake with candles.  Jeramy picked out the arrangement here, along with the pink chick beanie baby.  Dave got me some beautiful roses.  Dave told me he had to stop Jeramy from wanting to buy the whole store. 

Jeramy had fun watching me smile, get my flowers in a vase, and I even let him have a bite of my Fannie May Pixie that they got me.  (He melted!  Love his drama!) I insisted we save the cake for all of us to eat together tomorrow- which by now is today (triple chocolate... looks very sinfully delicious.)  I loved all my gifts, but I told him more so that I loved the givers, and how thoughtful they were.  He said it was the best birthday ever.  Of course he meant my birthday, because he never got to spend any of my birthdays with me. 

And it was probably my best birthday ever.  Even though I worked, I enjoyed every minute.  Something was different about me.  Perhaps it was the lack of glitter on my clothing.  Perhaps it was the fantastic girlfriend lunch I had to start off my day.  Perhaps it was the fact that I truly feel loved.  I have this sense about me that is starting to feel okay again.  I saw a rainbow the other day, for just a brief moment, and I knew it was a sign from God.  I hadn't asked him for one, but he knew I needed it.  God does that for me.  And I called Dave and frantically exclaimed that I saw a rainbow- he freaked out because he thought I was calling about something bad- and I was just so excited I had to calm down.

I got to vent to my girlfriend on Sunday, and even though we were miles away, just knowing that she truly cared and was listening meant the world to me.  She misses me, and to be missed feels good.  I got pizza on Saturday (Lou Malnati's shared with by buddy is the best pizza ever!)  Another co-worker brought in cupcakes on Sunday.  They were sinfully decadent and oh so moist!  Yesterday my friend and co worker totally surprised me with a bouquet of flowers.  Knowing that she cared enough to get something for me- knowing where she is and how our relationship has evolved, means the world.

I don't remember exactly when it was, but very recently I was talking with Dave and I said "I am truly happy.  I have everything I could ever want!" I have a loyal and loving husband.  I have a delightful son who loves me and treasures our relationship.  I have two fur-children that just adore me.  I have good, deep, meaningful relationships with other women that are friends and that love me for who I am.  I have an aunt who has become a second mom to me, and loves me tenderly and really gets me.  I have a sister that is my advocate and friend.  I have cool cousins that love me.  I have co workers that love me, like me, put up with me, and enjoy working with me- despite my quirks.  Most of all, I have a God who loves me so very much.  He never lets go of me, even when I let go of him, he always takes me back and shows me how much he cares.  He always provides.

I may not have a lot to give, but what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.

I had my dear friend tell me this yesterday.  Okay, not in those exact words... but seeing as I have a musical heart, and so does she, she will forgive my paraphrasing.  And that my friends is the gospel.  That is why Jesus came to this earth.  Not to make us follow a strict set of rules, but to set us free for love. 

I am loved.

Taking care of business - everyday

I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me.  Its true.  I love to find books for other people.  It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.

Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.

I bought myself 3 new books.  Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.

I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal.  Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition.  Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me.  My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer. 

Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me.  Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did.  How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons?  Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them.  Who knows but I thank God for the gift.

I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life.  I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it.  His was a movie waiting to happen.  A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments.  He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it.  It got him attention.  But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in.  They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.

I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits.  Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life.  Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.

Oh how stubborn I was.  I really had blinded eyes.  Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her.  Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her?  I was a kid, and I just wanted to play.  Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her.  I will have them one day in heaven.  I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed.  She had no fear.   That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so.  I regret not knowing her better.  Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.

In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned.  I miss my family.  I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such.  I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression.  I can't imagine how he lead the country. 

I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like.  This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess. 

I want to keep on.  I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.

I understand why Mom had to go.  Her time was done.  Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings.  Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that.  Jeramy asked what was so funny.  I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!"  And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing.  My ears didn't love it, but my heart did.  I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too.  Life is too short NOT to sing along.