For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Some people might think I am nuts when I say I have heard from the Lord. I truly believe that God has told me to pursue custody of Jeramy, and we won. It was a long hard battle. We got rainbows and songs on the radio and words of encouragement and truth when we needed, and we hobbled along. Oh how I leaned on Isaiah. It was more like God carried us.
Which is how it has been today. The impossible is now possible. We proceeded as if ... and it did. God came through in a big way. We applied for the apartment knowing that we couldn't come up with the money on our own. God provided.
We will be a family, together. Will will be away from abuse and fear. We will have shelter.
And I won't take this lightly. I plan on using this home the way God wants me to. As a family we are going to be intentional ambassadors to the community, and to invite people into our home, and into our lives. It won't be easy, but its bound to be fun, and its certain to be good.
I feel like our family has a chance at our future. Its all happening, and its all God. I acted in faith and He met me. I am floored. Thanks Lord, words seem insufficient. You rock!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Suburban Nomads
My husband and I were joking today. He said he didn't like to feel like such a wanderer. I said that if the Isrealites wandered a desert before they found a home for 40 years and then had to fight for it, we aren't doing too bad. We haven't made any golden calves yet. We haven't had to rely on Manna, although it feels like it.
As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again. Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on. God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet. This time it will be a good 15 miles for us. For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college). Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.
We will be closer to our friends and church. The schools will be great. The neighborhood is great. I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality. I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do. But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.
I am truly embracing God's love for me right now. I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there. God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy. But oh its good.
As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again. Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on. God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet. This time it will be a good 15 miles for us. For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college). Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.
We will be closer to our friends and church. The schools will be great. The neighborhood is great. I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality. I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do. But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.
I am truly embracing God's love for me right now. I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there. God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy. But oh its good.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Hakuna Matata- it means no worries
I was seeking answers, I knocked and the door opened.
I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace. Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words. I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else. Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head. I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.
How can I explain it? I cannot. All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him. I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me. So, why worry? Hakuna Matata my friends. Okay, not quite. Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles. Is it going to be okay? Yes. I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.
Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time. Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam. Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men. In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move. The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them. So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him. I think he was looking for a conversation as well. Or "networking" as they call it in business circles. We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always. I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor. I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through. And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will. He told me that I encouraged him. It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?" He said to me "you should listen to God's people."
I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal. If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down. But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths. My hope lies in things eternal; love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.
Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.
I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)
1. Write a book. There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel. There might be several books.
2. Discipleship. Do it, work on it, commit to it. I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House. I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family.
This is where I am called and to what. Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.
I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace. Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words. I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else. Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head. I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.
How can I explain it? I cannot. All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him. I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me. So, why worry? Hakuna Matata my friends. Okay, not quite. Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles. Is it going to be okay? Yes. I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.
Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time. Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam. Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men. In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move. The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them. So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him. I think he was looking for a conversation as well. Or "networking" as they call it in business circles. We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always. I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor. I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through. And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will. He told me that I encouraged him. It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?" He said to me "you should listen to God's people."
I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal. If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down. But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths. My hope lies in things eternal; love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.
Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.
I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)
1. Write a book. There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel. There might be several books.
2. Discipleship. Do it, work on it, commit to it. I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House. I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family.
This is where I am called and to what. Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I need EASTER
I need Easter this year more than ever before.
I need to remember that Jesus didn't just die on the cross for my sins and it ends there. I need to remember that he rose again, and defeated death. The life I lead doesn't have to stay on the cross, but can be a resurrection life. I can't believe I live much of my life as if Jesus died on the cross, but not as the tomb was empty.
I need to embrace being shaped by the Potter, this broken piece of clay. I am not alone. I need Jesus more and more all the time. I wish Jesus was like a magic wand, its not. In fact I told someone tonight that my life has gotten way more complicated since I gave him my life in '06. Jesus doesn't make us think that this life is an easy one. He reminds us often it is not. In John 16:33 Jesus tells us "...in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I hang tight to that, in my dear savior's arms.
Knowing the financial trouble I am in is due to the legal case I have been involved in. I would do it again in a heartbeat. People and relationships matter more to me than stuff, houses, or any stability. Because you know in the end you can't take any of that with you, but you can impact lives and hearts with your own.
I want to stop being all about me, and more about Jesus. I want to serve those who need his love. I want Jesus to greet me from the shore, cooking breakfast- RISEN.
I need to remember that Jesus didn't just die on the cross for my sins and it ends there. I need to remember that he rose again, and defeated death. The life I lead doesn't have to stay on the cross, but can be a resurrection life. I can't believe I live much of my life as if Jesus died on the cross, but not as the tomb was empty.
I need to embrace being shaped by the Potter, this broken piece of clay. I am not alone. I need Jesus more and more all the time. I wish Jesus was like a magic wand, its not. In fact I told someone tonight that my life has gotten way more complicated since I gave him my life in '06. Jesus doesn't make us think that this life is an easy one. He reminds us often it is not. In John 16:33 Jesus tells us "...in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." I hang tight to that, in my dear savior's arms.
Knowing the financial trouble I am in is due to the legal case I have been involved in. I would do it again in a heartbeat. People and relationships matter more to me than stuff, houses, or any stability. Because you know in the end you can't take any of that with you, but you can impact lives and hearts with your own.
I want to stop being all about me, and more about Jesus. I want to serve those who need his love. I want Jesus to greet me from the shore, cooking breakfast- RISEN.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.
Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate. Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Monday, March 15, 2010
The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind
Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A love letter to my little boy
Jeramy and I grow closer all of the time. Now every time I hug Dave, he wants a hug too. He has been greeting me and going out of his way to say hi and goodnight or goodbye. And I hate to say this but the kid wants to stay up past his bedtime because he wants to see me. It is frustrating, because he, much like his father and I, is a night owl. The other night we were walking the dog and he blurted out "Hey Mom" and covered his mouth. I think he wanted to see what it felt like. I don't envy him, getting used to his new life, and falling in love, but having loyalties to his old life.
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Just before dawn...
They say it is darkest just before dawn. I know when the sun is coming up soon because I can hear birds tweeting. Its like there is this anticipation in the air. You can feel it in the breeze, and see it in the trees. I have never been the person to wake up early, but I have always been the stay up late type.
Back before Dave and I even dated, we used to spend hours on the phone. The best nights were the ones when I noticed the sun starting to come up in the east looking out my balcony. I had this ache in my body that longed for sleep, yet this anticipation in my heart at the start of a new day.
And here I am, in the dark. Yet I know that the sun is coming up soon. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it. I can sense it in and out. The sun will rise. Life will go on. It always has, and it always will. The difference is that I am choosing to be a part of this new day.
Of course being a person who speaks in metaphors as a way to describe myself, my feelings and emotions, you must understand that I mean the depression, the dark days of my soul, the hiding, the tossing and turning, all of it is near to an end. At least for this season. There is hope now, where none was fathomable before. There is peace in giving up things that I couldn't before.
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So then what in this life have I clung to, that is the pattern of this world? Oh so much.
I think when I am able to remove some of these layers, I will truly find life.
So pray for me, as I pick my priorities, define my essence, search for what God desires of me, transform and renew my mind, lose my life to save it.
My Priorities: relationships with 1. God 2. Husband 3. Jeramy 4. Family 5. Friends 6. people who have potential to be family or friends. (I think that covers everyone!)
Its that simple. Life is about living. Not about where, or how, or what you drive. Its that you are loving while you go about it.
And I love how the birds chirp before dawn, even when it keeps me up. It lets me know that a new day approaches, and the possibilities are endless.
Back before Dave and I even dated, we used to spend hours on the phone. The best nights were the ones when I noticed the sun starting to come up in the east looking out my balcony. I had this ache in my body that longed for sleep, yet this anticipation in my heart at the start of a new day.
And here I am, in the dark. Yet I know that the sun is coming up soon. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it. I can sense it in and out. The sun will rise. Life will go on. It always has, and it always will. The difference is that I am choosing to be a part of this new day.
Of course being a person who speaks in metaphors as a way to describe myself, my feelings and emotions, you must understand that I mean the depression, the dark days of my soul, the hiding, the tossing and turning, all of it is near to an end. At least for this season. There is hope now, where none was fathomable before. There is peace in giving up things that I couldn't before.
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So then what in this life have I clung to, that is the pattern of this world? Oh so much.
I think when I am able to remove some of these layers, I will truly find life.
So pray for me, as I pick my priorities, define my essence, search for what God desires of me, transform and renew my mind, lose my life to save it.
My Priorities: relationships with 1. God 2. Husband 3. Jeramy 4. Family 5. Friends 6. people who have potential to be family or friends. (I think that covers everyone!)
Its that simple. Life is about living. Not about where, or how, or what you drive. Its that you are loving while you go about it.
And I love how the birds chirp before dawn, even when it keeps me up. It lets me know that a new day approaches, and the possibilities are endless.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Can't buy me love
Jeramy had fun watching me smile, get my flowers in a vase, and I even let him have a bite of my Fannie May Pixie that they got me. (He melted! Love his drama!) I insisted we save the cake for all of us to eat together tomorrow- which by now is today (triple chocolate... looks very sinfully delicious.) I loved all my gifts, but I told him more so that I loved the givers, and how thoughtful they were. He said it was the best birthday ever. Of course he meant my birthday, because he never got to spend any of my birthdays with me.
And it was probably my best birthday ever. Even though I worked, I enjoyed every minute. Something was different about me. Perhaps it was the lack of glitter on my clothing. Perhaps it was the fantastic girlfriend lunch I had to start off my day. Perhaps it was the fact that I truly feel loved. I have this sense about me that is starting to feel okay again. I saw a rainbow the other day, for just a brief moment, and I knew it was a sign from God. I hadn't asked him for one, but he knew I needed it. God does that for me. And I called Dave and frantically exclaimed that I saw a rainbow- he freaked out because he thought I was calling about something bad- and I was just so excited I had to calm down.
I got to vent to my girlfriend on Sunday, and even though we were miles away, just knowing that she truly cared and was listening meant the world to me. She misses me, and to be missed feels good. I got pizza on Saturday (Lou Malnati's shared with by buddy is the best pizza ever!) Another co-worker brought in cupcakes on Sunday. They were sinfully decadent and oh so moist! Yesterday my friend and co worker totally surprised me with a bouquet of flowers. Knowing that she cared enough to get something for me- knowing where she is and how our relationship has evolved, means the world.
I don't remember exactly when it was, but very recently I was talking with Dave and I said "I am truly happy. I have everything I could ever want!" I have a loyal and loving husband. I have a delightful son who loves me and treasures our relationship. I have two fur-children that just adore me. I have good, deep, meaningful relationships with other women that are friends and that love me for who I am. I have an aunt who has become a second mom to me, and loves me tenderly and really gets me. I have a sister that is my advocate and friend. I have cool cousins that love me. I have co workers that love me, like me, put up with me, and enjoy working with me- despite my quirks. Most of all, I have a God who loves me so very much. He never lets go of me, even when I let go of him, he always takes me back and shows me how much he cares. He always provides.
I may not have a lot to give, but what I've got I'll give to you
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
I had my dear friend tell me this yesterday. Okay, not in those exact words... but seeing as I have a musical heart, and so does she, she will forgive my paraphrasing. And that my friends is the gospel. That is why Jesus came to this earth. Not to make us follow a strict set of rules, but to set us free for love.
I am loved.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Taking care of business - everyday
I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me. Its true. I love to find books for other people. It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Message for all of my Celebrate the Journey friends
I wasn't there this Tuesday, and I likely won't be there next Tuesday for launch.
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
It breaks my heart to say it, but I am taking a break from Celebrate the Journey. This goes along with my season to lay fallow. (See this post) I have realized just how much people really expect me to be there on Tuesdays, so I thought I would send this out to let everyone know.
I still love Celebrate the Journey. This has nothing to do with the leadership or team, and everything to do with me. In fact, I am considered a leader on break.
Last March, we brought home a "brand new bouncing" 6 year old boy and have been growing closer and closer as a family. Jeramy will turn 8 in May, and with my work schedule I barely get to see him. I am changing some things, like getting him up in the morning for school. Taking Tuesdays as a family day will now be an addition that we need. When you work 5-6 nights a week from 3-1130, that means you don't get to spend after school and before bed time with your children. Considering I work every other weekend, that means hardly any time. These days are few, and time is precious. Seeing as we lost the first 6, I don't want to miss out on the next.
Seeing as I have been asked several times, no, I cannot change my work hours. While Dave's hours have gone up considerably, we are still in a very bad pickle, and require every dime possible. As long as I have this job, I aim to keep it. They have given me so much grace, I truly appreciate my manager and supervisor immensely.
There are other personal things that go into this decision, but when it all comes down to it, I just hated how we would get to the church and then split up for the night. Our family needs this time, and I can attend small groups at other times.
I have put on hold all other leadership and volunteering positions, including Kids City. God will let me know when to jump in again.
God has told me to lay fallow and grow my family closer, and so it shall be. Our first family night we went to the grade school skate night. It was great because it reminds me that no matter how hard you fall, you have to get back up and keep trying if you want to learn how to skate.
I used to LOVE skating so much. In fact, we went to the very same skate place I went on my grade school skate parties. Talk about memories (foggy distant memories, but good ones none the less.) My first run out on the floor today, I totally wiped out... bad. Yet I got up (with the help from the guy with the whistle and most of my dignity) and tried to go around again. I almost was getting it again. Oh my poor muscles haven't done this in over 15 years, more I am sure... and we hope to do this more often. Jeramy counted 11 bruises, and wants to go back. Dave was pleasantly surprised by his balancing skills. We even did two rounds in the couples skate. Ask me tomorrow when my muscles ache and my knee throbs, but I think it was fun.
Its times like this that I am missing out on. And so please do keep in touch. I mean it. Call me, email me, Facebook me, lets do lunch or have coffee or just knit and chat. I have made too many wonderful friends at Celebrate the Journey. If you are reading this on Facebook and are my friend, my cell phone and email are listed under "info" so there is no excuses!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Its beggining to look a lot like Christmas
So guess I gave in and we got a REAL LIVE tree!
Ever since Thanksgiving week, I have been waking Jeramy up for school. It has been very rewarding as I have been able to see him and be more involved in his life. We are really starting to bond. Just the other night he said he maybe wanted to be an x-ray tech when he grows up. That just makes me grin from ear to ear. Not that he wants to be an x-ray tech, but that he wants to be like me. =D
I have given so much of myself to bring him home, and although we are got going to have "Christmas" Day with Jeramy(he will be with his mom), I really am enjoying our first Christmas together. I never knew that Christmas could be so wonderful, at least my adult self never did.
I truly look forward to opening gifts and singing carols and decking the halls and all that. I assure you that no one has slipped anything in my drink! I think perhaps that my Christmas wishes have all been met. I have a wonderful husband, whom I respect and cherish. And now, this year... a beautiful, bouncy, loving, smart, fun 7 year old boy.
Today when we were driving home with the tree, we were talking about my mom, and then her song came on the radio. I knew then that Mom was smiling down on us, and she was being a part of this Christmas after all. I told Jeramy my mom would have really loved him. I just think he is the neatest kid ever.
Also, we are working on a gingerbread house (I need to get an ingredient to fix the icing) which is really cool because I have never done it before. I also got Jeramy an advent calender, which is fun, and I don't remember having one.
Tonight I read him "The Littlest Angel" which I don't remember much other than it was a book I drew a picture from in kindergarten. It was about a gift for baby Jesus. So then Jeramy wanted me to read him some stuff about Jesus. I got out "The Voice" version of the Bible, and read from Luke. The Christmas story... actually I think I got all the way through Luke 5 before he fell asleep. The Voice is wonderful to read aloud, and it really makes the story understandable as well as beautiful. I see Jeramy starting to get it, and understand the story, which is cool.
I am just so excited with how much we are growing as a family, and hope that it never stops. I also hope to always delight in it!
Love you so much Jeramy.
Now Dave, get better and this Christmas will be great!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thankfulness
I have so many reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving. Lets start with my salvation in Christ Jesus. I won't delve in, just need to list that first. Without Jesus, none of this would be possible, and who would I truly be thankful to??
God has blessed me with so much, and family has to be first. My family has expanded exponentially this year, and all of the drama and heartache has been worth it. All of it. There is no greater joy in this world than the giggle of that child, my child, happy in his family.
I am especially thankful for my friends who are my extended family. So many of you have stepped up to love me, tell me the truth, hug me, hold me and let me cry. For some its just a text or note on Facebook or voicemail that came at just the right time. For some it has been physical and/or financial sacrifice. For many it has been hours upon hours of fervent prayer. I have gotten more love, forgiveness, and undeserving grace this year from all of you than I could ever deserve. Thank you.
I need to separately list my sister Megan. Megan has come to stand beside me, in every way possible this year. Loving me, praying for me, sacrificing financially, and giving me big sister advice (she is older than me spiritually, and that wisdom can count more than time). Megan and I used to be far apart, and now that we are reunited in our hearts, we grow closer all the time. Meggie, you truly are a blessing. I love you Boo!
Of course there is Dave. I have to list Dave separately. Why? Because we are one, he is my partner. I have had more love and support from him than I deserve. More grace than I deserve. More respect than I have earned. Dave is strong when I am not, and always brings me back to what is important. The man has more wisdom than I can shake a fist at, and every single time I watch him with Jeramy I am blown away at just how fantastic a father he truly is. I love you so much Dave.
Of course if I started listing people one by one, I would never get any Turkey. Just know that each and every single one of you is loved, cherished, thought of, and prayed for today and most every day.
God has blessed me with so much, and family has to be first. My family has expanded exponentially this year, and all of the drama and heartache has been worth it. All of it. There is no greater joy in this world than the giggle of that child, my child, happy in his family.
I am especially thankful for my friends who are my extended family. So many of you have stepped up to love me, tell me the truth, hug me, hold me and let me cry. For some its just a text or note on Facebook or voicemail that came at just the right time. For some it has been physical and/or financial sacrifice. For many it has been hours upon hours of fervent prayer. I have gotten more love, forgiveness, and undeserving grace this year from all of you than I could ever deserve. Thank you.
I need to separately list my sister Megan. Megan has come to stand beside me, in every way possible this year. Loving me, praying for me, sacrificing financially, and giving me big sister advice (she is older than me spiritually, and that wisdom can count more than time). Megan and I used to be far apart, and now that we are reunited in our hearts, we grow closer all the time. Meggie, you truly are a blessing. I love you Boo!
Of course there is Dave. I have to list Dave separately. Why? Because we are one, he is my partner. I have had more love and support from him than I deserve. More grace than I deserve. More respect than I have earned. Dave is strong when I am not, and always brings me back to what is important. The man has more wisdom than I can shake a fist at, and every single time I watch him with Jeramy I am blown away at just how fantastic a father he truly is. I love you so much Dave.
Of course if I started listing people one by one, I would never get any Turkey. Just know that each and every single one of you is loved, cherished, thought of, and prayed for today and most every day.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Catching up on the things in my head
I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I wrote this Sunday night...
Its after 2am and I am still awake.
Today was phenomenal. My heart just trembled as I swept my eyes up and down the hill. "Wow, this is unbelievable!" I believe it was just a glimpse of a sliver of heaven.
Shortly after I started coming to CCC, there was an all campus picnic. I hardly knew anyone, and spotted the pastors to keep entertained.
My how times have changed...
Today I didn't go a moment without seeing people I knew, and I lost count of how many meaningful hugs I imparted to dear friends. Sometimes all I could do was wave hello as they passed by.
Talk about IMPACT...
I was a lonely soul looking for significance and meaning in my life. Through COMMUNITY I have been able to connect to tons of people, celebrate my life instead of wallow in depression, and contribute to helping other people find their way back to God. I have found great love from God and can't help but want others to know the change, the resurrection life he has given to me is available to them as well
As I think and pray about what's next for me and my family, I can't help but to praise God for Community Christian Church and the impact it has had on my life. . Its people have become my extended family that has supported me and my family through some of the roughest years of our lives. I have learned and grown so much, I often find myself amazed!
I hope that I am able to pass on the great love that COMMUNITY has and continues to show me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
For Nothing is Impossible with God
I finally decided what I want my tattoo to say. I have only been wanting one forever. I just need to decide where I want it and what it will look like. I know this: I have to be able to see it. What fun is putting something on you that you can't see?
I also want it to be a reminder so that I don't ever ever forget. I think I might want to have an artist competition, or maybe just have my kindred spirit JJ design it, or maybe just the tattoo artist. I am thinking of somehow incorporating my moms drawing(scroll to very bottom of blog to see said drawing), but the more I look at it, the more the drawing doesn't belong on me. Maybe it can have green and leaves incorporated in memory of her, and all of the growing I have been doing.
My husband is not too keen on tattoos. Which is cool, but he also knows what this means to me. I am not just getting a tat to get a tat. Its not some crazy cartoon. See while my God does not require me to mark myself, I desire to remember, to build a monument to his great works. When people ask, I want to tell them of the marvelous things he has done in my life.
1. Save my sister, 2. reunite my family, 3. soften the hardest of hearts (moms and mine), 4. hooked me up with Dave, 5. Given me the best family ever; 6. Jeramy, 7. Cassie, 8. Paul, and there is so much more coming. He is gonna blow me out of the water with!
God always blows my mind. Like, I expected his corpse to be in the grave, but he's not there, he has risen. He has defeated death. I have such a limit on him sometimes, but I shouldn't you see, for nothing is impossible with God.
I also want it to be a reminder so that I don't ever ever forget. I think I might want to have an artist competition, or maybe just have my kindred spirit JJ design it, or maybe just the tattoo artist. I am thinking of somehow incorporating my moms drawing(scroll to very bottom of blog to see said drawing), but the more I look at it, the more the drawing doesn't belong on me. Maybe it can have green and leaves incorporated in memory of her, and all of the growing I have been doing.
My husband is not too keen on tattoos. Which is cool, but he also knows what this means to me. I am not just getting a tat to get a tat. Its not some crazy cartoon. See while my God does not require me to mark myself, I desire to remember, to build a monument to his great works. When people ask, I want to tell them of the marvelous things he has done in my life.
1. Save my sister, 2. reunite my family, 3. soften the hardest of hearts (moms and mine), 4. hooked me up with Dave, 5. Given me the best family ever; 6. Jeramy, 7. Cassie, 8. Paul, and there is so much more coming. He is gonna blow me out of the water with!
God always blows my mind. Like, I expected his corpse to be in the grave, but he's not there, he has risen. He has defeated death. I have such a limit on him sometimes, but I shouldn't you see, for nothing is impossible with God.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Prayer Answered
Yesterday morning, I prayed that God would show me something new in the Bible for that day. I felt like I had read Luke a million times, so I needed to pay attention, and I really wanted to apply something new.
So Jesus sends out the 12 for missions and he tells them to settle in one house and work out of there. He didn't want the missionaries bouncing from house to house seeing who would be the best hosts, he just wanted them to focus on their mission.
SMACK! I need to quit dreaming of a bigger house and how that will happen and use the place (2 bedroom 1 bath condo) I have now to do the ministry I am called to do. God placed me here for a reason.
God told me that it is not about how big the house is, but how big the love is in the house.Monday, June 29, 2009
Evangelism
I need to pray this prayer more often:
Lord, I pray for an opportunity to share my faith with someone in some way. It’s not up to me to decide who or when or where. But I know why. Because you love them and want a relationship with them. So Lord, surprise me with opportunities to share my faith.
Forgive me for trying to do your job for you. You are the one who convicts of sin. You are the one who draws to Christ. But help me do my part as salt and light. Help me see those opportunities to react compassionately or listen patiently or speak kindly. Through word and deed, help me plant seeds of love in the lives of others. Give me boldness when it’s time to speak. Give me restraint when it’s time to listen. Give me words to say. But more importantly, give me ears to hear.
Lord, help me be sensitive to the prompting of your Holy Spirit so I can see the divine appointments you send my way. Help me not to be afraid of questions I cannot answer. Help me not to be afraid of people’s reactions or rejections.
Lord, help me preach the gospel every day, when necessary, with words.
In Jesus name, amen!
via Mark Batterson at www.evotional.com
Lord, I pray for an opportunity to share my faith with someone in some way. It’s not up to me to decide who or when or where. But I know why. Because you love them and want a relationship with them. So Lord, surprise me with opportunities to share my faith.
Forgive me for trying to do your job for you. You are the one who convicts of sin. You are the one who draws to Christ. But help me do my part as salt and light. Help me see those opportunities to react compassionately or listen patiently or speak kindly. Through word and deed, help me plant seeds of love in the lives of others. Give me boldness when it’s time to speak. Give me restraint when it’s time to listen. Give me words to say. But more importantly, give me ears to hear.
Lord, help me be sensitive to the prompting of your Holy Spirit so I can see the divine appointments you send my way. Help me not to be afraid of questions I cannot answer. Help me not to be afraid of people’s reactions or rejections.
Lord, help me preach the gospel every day, when necessary, with words.
In Jesus name, amen!
via Mark Batterson at www.evotional.com
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Storytime
I had a great Memorial Day weekend, very memorable.
We took Jeramy out to his grandparents, and relaxed with fishing, boating, and just plain hanging out. Jeramy loved it.
He insisted that he was NOT sleeping on the couch, so we invited him to sleep with us, despite the bed being a very small full size antique bed. So, Jeramy, Dave, myself, and the dog all cuddled into bed. It was fine until Jeramy moved in his sleep and the dog barked at him, waking us all up. Then he ended up upside down and kicked me in the head. He eventually moved out to the living room and slept on the floor. But it was nice, because we were all together as a family.
I have noticed Jeramy using the term family a lot more. When referring to us. I know he likes being a a part of a family. He also is enjoying church, and honestly the kid never wants to leave. Its almost easier to get him to the dentist (okay, not that hard, but still!)
I really wasn't expecting him to grow too close to me, so I backed off. There is so many reasons, but I won't go into that here.
Every night his dad reads him a story. Tonight I picked out the book (Gross stuff fact book) and the first subject was barf, I excused myself because I can't stand barf. Well, after that section, Jeramy invited me back in the room. He said they were done with barf and I could come in. So I laid at the foot of his twin mattress and listened to Dave read about snot, urine, feces, and farts. (Jeramy's favorite was farts, although it was the most boring chapter.) The three of us crammed on a little twin mattress reading about farts. This is awesome. Thanks God. He even rubbed my leg with his foot. Neat.
Well, he still didn't want to fall asleep so I suggested we pray, because when Dad and I need to calm down we pray together. So I led a prayer thanking God for all the awesome things and experiences we have had. We prayed for our family, including extended. I thanked God for Jeramy because he is so awesome and fun. I just can't stop thanking God. It was great, even if Jay hung his head over the edge of the bed the whole time.
Sure enough, that was good. I hugged and kissed him good night and he didn't even flinch like he used to (cuz I was a girl who had cooties, even though he was immune to cooties.) It means he is opening himself to my love, and actually really enjoying it.
I am so happy that he wanted to fart on me yesterday! Call me silly, but it means a lot. I love this little boy like my very own and it means the world to me that he wanted me there to share his storytime.
God, you are so good and faithful. Don't give up hope, when the time is right, God comes through.
We took Jeramy out to his grandparents, and relaxed with fishing, boating, and just plain hanging out. Jeramy loved it.
He insisted that he was NOT sleeping on the couch, so we invited him to sleep with us, despite the bed being a very small full size antique bed. So, Jeramy, Dave, myself, and the dog all cuddled into bed. It was fine until Jeramy moved in his sleep and the dog barked at him, waking us all up. Then he ended up upside down and kicked me in the head. He eventually moved out to the living room and slept on the floor. But it was nice, because we were all together as a family.
I have noticed Jeramy using the term family a lot more. When referring to us. I know he likes being a a part of a family. He also is enjoying church, and honestly the kid never wants to leave. Its almost easier to get him to the dentist (okay, not that hard, but still!)
I really wasn't expecting him to grow too close to me, so I backed off. There is so many reasons, but I won't go into that here.
Every night his dad reads him a story. Tonight I picked out the book (Gross stuff fact book) and the first subject was barf, I excused myself because I can't stand barf. Well, after that section, Jeramy invited me back in the room. He said they were done with barf and I could come in. So I laid at the foot of his twin mattress and listened to Dave read about snot, urine, feces, and farts. (Jeramy's favorite was farts, although it was the most boring chapter.) The three of us crammed on a little twin mattress reading about farts. This is awesome. Thanks God. He even rubbed my leg with his foot. Neat.
Well, he still didn't want to fall asleep so I suggested we pray, because when Dad and I need to calm down we pray together. So I led a prayer thanking God for all the awesome things and experiences we have had. We prayed for our family, including extended. I thanked God for Jeramy because he is so awesome and fun. I just can't stop thanking God. It was great, even if Jay hung his head over the edge of the bed the whole time.
Sure enough, that was good. I hugged and kissed him good night and he didn't even flinch like he used to (cuz I was a girl who had cooties, even though he was immune to cooties.) It means he is opening himself to my love, and actually really enjoying it.
I am so happy that he wanted to fart on me yesterday! Call me silly, but it means a lot. I love this little boy like my very own and it means the world to me that he wanted me there to share his storytime.
God, you are so good and faithful. Don't give up hope, when the time is right, God comes through.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Blessed beyond measure
I went to the zoo today with my sister, my husband, our son, and our "adopted" son Paul. The sun was out. It was not too hot, it was not too cold. I got to eat out, worship God, see great friends, get lots and lots of love. I got to help clean the hamster cage. I got to feel family.
I got to feel the blessings of God in full.
I am so honored.
I got to feel the blessings of God in full.
I am so honored.
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