I have been reading Flags of our Fathers about the infamous picture taken on Iwo Jima. Tonight I read about the assault on the island, the whole part. It was the most costly American campaign the whole war. Death was inescapable, bodies were everywhere, and rest was hard to come by.
Yet when I laid down, I started thinking about the incident that got me fired, and the circumstances around it. I found myself thinking of how I would have handled my questioning had the nerves not gotten the better of me. Hind sight is 20/20 and after being delved into the Marine mindset, so many thoughts have gone through my head.
There are memories in my mind that fill me with angst. Thinking of the hospital gets my heart racing. I loved that place and gave it my all, it was my home. I was trained there, and had many friends throughout the hospital. My mom died there, and the hospital screwed up and skipped her autopsy. All I got was an apology. I tried to let it go, make myself better because of it. Still the ache of betrayal is in the back of my mind. There is always pain associated with death, and to this day "her" room haunted me. Knowing its where she died, I eyed its window often in passing. I spent too many hours in that room. I slept on the floor.
There were people that I worked with that hated me. I don't know why, other than I got on their nerves. People are threatened by me because-- I wish I knew. I think its because I have a confidence about myself that ticks them off. I could care less about how they look, but rather I care more about how they are. Some people were just looking to protect their own skin. Some actually thrived on destroying others. I didn't like the people that I could see through. They were as deep as a kiddie pool, and their loyalties ebbed and flowed with the changing of the moon. They were like the devil, a smile on their face and a knife in their hand behind their back.
There were those that used me, those that were just other pawns, and those that were loyal tried and true. Most everyone fell somewhere in between. I knew I was a gossip item, and I tried to ignore it all. My life after all begs to ask the question "where are the hidden cameras?" because you can't make up fiction this good here folks.
I was dedicated. Sure, God and family came first, but after that was my career. I was proud. I was the best there was, when I wanted to be. I could get any image if it could be gotten. I had compassion for my patients such that I would cry either on shift or later at home for some of them. I prayed for many that never knew it. Each patient was family to me.
I sit here in the dark at 2am with tears rolling down my eyes. My sister told me that being fired from a job is like a bad break up. In retrospect, I saw it coming, but at the time I was blindsided. The lady that complained about me worked with me and held up my lead apron to protect me because it fell down when I was pushing the imaging plate down. We had camaraderie. I hated her pain, I couldn't take it away. I would bear it for her if I could. I told her so. My partner just stood there in silence like always. Passive but willing to assist.
Later he was too feared for his own job to testify to the unemployment referee as to my behavior in the room. Things are bad I keep hearing from others. I really don't hear too much. I am almost afraid to. Its like when you get out of an abusive relationship you don't want to go back. Like I want to know how my ex is having a jolly good time without me, I don't. I want to hear how miserable they are without me. I was called once, and it was only out of respect for my supervisor I answered the question. Anyone else would have told them to shove it.
So now I live in semi-denial. I pretend that I don't ever have to take an x-ray again because right now the thought of it pains me so dearly. In all reality, I don't. I can resign myself to giving up my special power, and go on in the world as if the past 10+ years of my life was all a bad dream. I'm damn good, perhaps too damn good. The job prospects are horrible. I don't want to work pm or midnights, and I want to stay out of the city. I worked long enough to have a cush job in a clinic with no holidays, right? Turns out there are no jobs. Nothing with benefits, unless I go into the city. The part time hours posted out there honestly suck so much I would rather work at McDonald's. Not that anyone ever calls anyway. This ideal job came up in Nashville- and then the flooding happened and they never called me back.
Its like I can go on with life now that the war is over. Or can I? Why am I lying awake when normally I can't stay up past midnight anymore? Its like PTSD. I am so traumatized, I must be drawing on this pain to relate to the Marines on Iwo Jima. Not that it could ever come close to comparing, because it never will. I feel like I lived a whole different life back then, and this is now, and its time to move on... so why does it still hurt me?
I don't know. I do know that I just had to write about it. Give me flack if you will, but I never mentioned anyone's names, not even the hospital's. Its my life, and I ain't takin' this post down - so stick that in your pipe and smoke it. See, I know that someone is going to complain, they always did... the infamous "they."
So now its all just memories slowly fading out. The pain of betrayal is likely the strongest thing that remains. Not anyone in particular, just this entity which I loved and worked hard for, and in all honesty could care less about me. I am just a number, someone who was paid too much and worked too many hours. Someone they could easily hack off with the least resistance, like an unneeded mole. Perhaps that is what truly hurts. Knowing that you put some ointment on it, and a band aid, in a few weeks no one will even remember you were there. Except me, the mole. Shriveled up and dried out, cut off from what fed me. Removed from the body that I enjoyed being a part of.
What will fill this hole? Another job? Forgiving myself, my former co-workers? Perhaps if that stump of a mole was really a seed. Then when this seed gets planted, who knows what might sprout up? What fruit it will bear? Perhaps then it will forget it was just an off-cast, when it is busy growing and producing fruit. How does a cut off mole turn into a seed? Well if it was your imagination, you could do with it what you wanted too. This is all a giant metaphor. No longer is the hurt useless, and while I was useless there, I will be useful, fruitful even, elsewhere. Make sense now?
Will the tree bear the scars from battle? Or will the body bear the scar from the mole removed? Only time will tell. Right now its all too fresh, too much blood still on the ground.
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Hanging on the bottom rung
I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker. She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down. For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.
I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for. I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this. I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself. He was the only good thing left in me. I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God. The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears. Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.
Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again. I devoured the text. Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives. I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked. Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.
He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will. God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24 God destroys everything you put before him. He warned me he would. He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him. I was in denial, oh I denied it. I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry. At last I was just empty. Nothing. Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.
I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears. Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing. She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us. She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found. Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation. We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation. We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64) I understood that, I was there.
Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:
I was not alone. I was not alone in my pain. Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.
There is HOPE. She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom. I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung. Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God. I wasn't so lucky. God had to get me fired. He knew I would never leave.
I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots. The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon. What was next for them, they did not know. Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)
I am in this tunnel of chaos. But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.
Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book. I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you. Thank you for being my muse Jen. Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will. God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.
I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for. I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this. I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself. He was the only good thing left in me. I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God. The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears. Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.
Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again. I devoured the text. Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives. I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked. Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.
He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will. God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own. "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24 God destroys everything you put before him. He warned me he would. He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him. I was in denial, oh I denied it. I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry. At last I was just empty. Nothing. Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.
I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears. Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing. She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us. She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found. Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation. We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation. We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64) I understood that, I was there.
Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:
"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom. The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year. I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed. With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating. I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it. Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong. It is the nature of the beast." pp 64-65
I was not alone. I was not alone in my pain. Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.
There is HOPE. She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom. I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung. Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God. I wasn't so lucky. God had to get me fired. He knew I would never leave.
I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots. The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon. What was next for them, they did not know. Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)
I am in this tunnel of chaos. But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.
Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book. I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you. Thank you for being my muse Jen. Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will. God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Feeling pursued, in a good way
God for certain has been after my heart. I cannot deny this. What he seeks is nothing but the best for me, and I need to give up all of my ideas of what that means. I need to cast aside any image I may hold of my Lord and let him show me his face.
Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that. Well for me it has anyway. I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day. Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey.
The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles. Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.
My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it. Its kind of funny how God works like that. I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings. I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me. It can only be the Holy Spirit.
Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me. And I mean by this the life that is truly life. I mean by this the life that God intended for me. I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.
God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.
I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me. What's next Abba? Where are we going together Lord?
And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me. The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good. Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.
My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed. Now I value things that I cannot lose. My God meets me there, and I am so grateful. He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing.
Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me. Peace rules. Jesus rules.
Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that. Well for me it has anyway. I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day. Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey.
The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles. Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.
My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it. Its kind of funny how God works like that. I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings. I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me. It can only be the Holy Spirit.
Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me. And I mean by this the life that is truly life. I mean by this the life that God intended for me. I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.
God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.
I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me. What's next Abba? Where are we going together Lord?
And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me. The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good. Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.
My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed. Now I value things that I cannot lose. My God meets me there, and I am so grateful. He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing.
Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me. Peace rules. Jesus rules.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Help for all you guys- what a woman REALLY wants
I love Don's style, he writes as if we were sitting in his living room drinking coffee and talking. I really get inside the guy's head, which satiates my inquisitive mind. If you grew up without a dad, with an absentee dad, an alcoholic dad, or a less than perfect dad- this book is for you.
Today Don included an excerpt from his book on his blog, and I just have to share it, because its good. This will help all my guy friends, and maybe even a few gal friends to pin down just what that thing is they need.
Every girl is different, but what I learned over a long period of time was that women are essentially attracted to confidence and mystery. I don’t mean to sound like a guy who is helping you pick up chicks. Please don’t think that. But I want to save some of you from floundering around.Girls don’t want a weak guy. People are insecure already, so they don’t want you to be insecure, too. Intuitively, they know they have eggs inside them that, eventually, are going to become little children, and they are looking for a mate who can provide for them and their eggs. If you go begging for love, they intuit that something is wrong, something is weak, and you won’t be able to take care of their eggs. Instead, you are just acting like another egg that they are going to have to nurture. And if they do like you they have their own issues and you don’t want any part of it. You don’t need another mommy. You need a wife.
What I am not saying, though, is that you should act confident. Don’t act confident, be confident. And you can’t be confident by looking in a mirror and telling yourself you are confident. Take a break from dating for a while. Seriously, you have other work to do. Instead, take up a hobby and get good at it. Start playing the guitar or a sport. Get good at something and improve your self-esteem. Once you’ve gained confidence, you can start thinking about a woman.
And they also like mystery. But it’s not really mystery they like, it’s strength. Girls don’t want you calling them all the time. They don’t want to be your rescuer. If you call them all the time or let them know you are thinking about them all the time, you are going to turn them off. The truth is, you should already have a full life you are invested in, and you should invite them into that life. My friend John Eldredge says you should be on an adventure, and you should invite them into that adventure. A girl doesn’t really want you to stare into her eyes like a lovesick puppy (at least not for long); she wants you to put your arms around her and stare into the horizon, to the place you are going together. So before focusing on the girl, go find an adventure, a calling, something you can do and get good at, something that makes money to provide for kids. The girl will come along pretty easily after that.
Some girls don’t find these things attractive but I think most girls do.
Here’s another thing that it took me a long time to understand. And it’s going to hurt. But I have to say it. Human attraction is conditional. Now, once you get married, you are committing to love your wife or husband unconditionally. But even then, attraction remains conditional. Guys, if you get weak, your wife may stay with you, but chances are she’s not going to be very attracted to you. Understanding what it is your mate is attracted to, be it strength or beauty, and giving that to them is a way of serving them. If you refuse to take responsibility for your life and expect your mate to still be attracted to you, it’s going to be a long, hard journey. Self pity is unattractive.
So, go buy his book, or any of his books for that matter. This guy has been inspiration beyond words, and I look forward to watching his impact on my story unfold.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Vision
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I have been reading it every day. Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words. I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts. We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts. Sometimes it makes me wonder.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday. That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working. I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.
"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.Um, oh yeah is that me. I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish. Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off. Why? Because I am selfish and impatient. I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing. I need to find a balance there. There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.
Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.So confused. I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own. I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness. I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision. It is not too late, but I am so lost.
It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Operation: Me
Did you know that if you break your nose, in order to fix it that the doctor must break it again? It's kind of like when your joint gets so bad you can barely walk they slice you open, cut out the bad parts and replace them with metal and plastic and sew you back up. If you think about most medical stuff, its gruesome. Basically most surgeons use the same tools found in a wood shop, just tweaked and sanitized. Hammers, saws, pins, screws and cement.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pain - are you ready?
I returned to my home today. I went back to Celebrate the Journey.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Story
I always have a hard time starting a story. I always want to go into the back-story and work up to the present. It just seems so boring when I think about it that way. I have been thinking a lot about story, my story, His story, and friends' stories. I have been thinking about writing.
I think the first thing I need to do is just start. Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful. I have been watching Lost. It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island. What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.
It reminds me of reading the Bible. To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far. Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down. What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old. And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times. I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible. I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole. That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.
Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me. Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter. Some of you might even be reading this. But do you know me? How much of my back-story do you get?
Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me." True. How much do we truly know each other? I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers. I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing. Maybe we even shared a meal or an event. But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God. The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in. The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately. The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake. For that reason, I love you. For that reason I desire to know you.
In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up. I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out. The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness. When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you. I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine. If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks.
What is it that this character will do? What is her motivation? What secrets does she have? How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life? What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light?
I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all. And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even. Write history with me. Write His story with me.
I think the first thing I need to do is just start. Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful. I have been watching Lost. It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island. What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.
It reminds me of reading the Bible. To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far. Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down. What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old. And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times. I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible. I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole. That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.
Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me. Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter. Some of you might even be reading this. But do you know me? How much of my back-story do you get?
Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me." True. How much do we truly know each other? I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers. I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing. Maybe we even shared a meal or an event. But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God. The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in. The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately. The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake. For that reason, I love you. For that reason I desire to know you.
In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up. I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out. The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness. When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you. I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine. If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks.
What is it that this character will do? What is her motivation? What secrets does she have? How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life? What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light?
I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all. And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even. Write history with me. Write His story with me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Taking care of business - everyday
I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me. Its true. I love to find books for other people. It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.
I bought myself 3 new books. Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.
I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal. Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition. Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer.
Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me. Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did. How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons? Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them. Who knows but I thank God for the gift.
I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life. I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it. His was a movie waiting to happen. A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments. He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it. It got him attention. But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in. They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.
I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits. Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life. Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.
Oh how stubborn I was. I really had blinded eyes. Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her. Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her? I was a kid, and I just wanted to play. Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her. I will have them one day in heaven. I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed. She had no fear. That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so. I regret not knowing her better. Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.
In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned. I miss my family. I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such. I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression. I can't imagine how he lead the country.
I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like. This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess.
I want to keep on. I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.
I understand why Mom had to go. Her time was done. Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings. Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that. Jeramy asked what was so funny. I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!" And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing. My ears didn't love it, but my heart did. I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too. Life is too short NOT to sing along.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Inside out, Jesus you turn me, upside down, and round and round....
Continuing on the Journey of all things changing, nothing staying the same... Yet all things are still the same externally, my heart and mind are going through things which will influence my physical actions. Anyway, I want to blog out some things and work through them, "so pardon me while I burst."
So I have moved on to reading Shane Claiborne's "The Irresistible Revolution" and wow. Shane is my age, and he chose to chase after Christianity and got to experience working with Mother Teresa in Calcutta (of course while he was doing this, my life was in bad shape and I was far from Christ.) He followed his visit to Calcutta with a semester at Wheaton College and an internship at Willow Creek. He was in my town. He says in his book "I must say Wheaton wasn't the easiest place to be." After which my sister (whom I borrowed the book from) wrote HA!!! I know he was referring to the college, but for us, its the town we grew up in.
Wheaton is full of churches. It is the church capitol of DuPage county and you can't drive around much without running into a church. But oh how spiritually dead it is. And at the time Shane was here, there was still a dancing ban at the college! (I will never forget dancing at the college to worship God and thinking how much this would piss some people off- and it was Matt Redmond's doing. I would swear the balcony would fall down!) Now there are some people truly searching God, there always are, but the reality is that Wheaton is just another suburban town centered around appearances and bigger and better homes. Even in the neighborhood I grew up in, mansions are replacing older homes at an alarming rate. (well alarming to me anyway.)
What gets me always when I think about how cozy our little area is, and as I watch cars drive down streets that could support an entire village for a few years with the cost of them, is how damn selfish we are. I felt this before Shane's book, and to be honest, I am glad to see others feel it too.
Shane noticed the difference between the poor in Calcutta and in the suburbs. The people in Calcutta had no money, the suburbanites were spiritually poor. "The more I read the Bible, the more I felt my comfortable life interrupted." Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Shane says how much he "long[s] for the Calcutta slums to meet the Chicago suburbs, for lepers to meet landowners and for each to see God's image in the other. Its no wonder that the footsteps of Jesus lead from the tax collectors to the lepers. I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning. And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end." emphasis mine.
Call me a revolutionary, but I am only following in the footsteps of the one who saved me. Jesus.
So what does this mean? Where do we go from here? Its the question we all must wrestle with. And so I leave you with a quote from the late great Mamma T (Mother Teresa). "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it."
So I have moved on to reading Shane Claiborne's "The Irresistible Revolution" and wow. Shane is my age, and he chose to chase after Christianity and got to experience working with Mother Teresa in Calcutta (of course while he was doing this, my life was in bad shape and I was far from Christ.) He followed his visit to Calcutta with a semester at Wheaton College and an internship at Willow Creek. He was in my town. He says in his book "I must say Wheaton wasn't the easiest place to be." After which my sister (whom I borrowed the book from) wrote HA!!! I know he was referring to the college, but for us, its the town we grew up in.
Wheaton is full of churches. It is the church capitol of DuPage county and you can't drive around much without running into a church. But oh how spiritually dead it is. And at the time Shane was here, there was still a dancing ban at the college! (I will never forget dancing at the college to worship God and thinking how much this would piss some people off- and it was Matt Redmond's doing. I would swear the balcony would fall down!) Now there are some people truly searching God, there always are, but the reality is that Wheaton is just another suburban town centered around appearances and bigger and better homes. Even in the neighborhood I grew up in, mansions are replacing older homes at an alarming rate. (well alarming to me anyway.)
What gets me always when I think about how cozy our little area is, and as I watch cars drive down streets that could support an entire village for a few years with the cost of them, is how damn selfish we are. I felt this before Shane's book, and to be honest, I am glad to see others feel it too.
Shane noticed the difference between the poor in Calcutta and in the suburbs. The people in Calcutta had no money, the suburbanites were spiritually poor. "The more I read the Bible, the more I felt my comfortable life interrupted." Yes, that is exactly how I felt. Shane says how much he "long[s] for the Calcutta slums to meet the Chicago suburbs, for lepers to meet landowners and for each to see God's image in the other. Its no wonder that the footsteps of Jesus lead from the tax collectors to the lepers. I truly believe that when the poor meet the rich, riches will have no meaning. And when the rich meet the poor, we will see poverty come to an end." emphasis mine.
Call me a revolutionary, but I am only following in the footsteps of the one who saved me. Jesus.
So what does this mean? Where do we go from here? Its the question we all must wrestle with. And so I leave you with a quote from the late great Mamma T (Mother Teresa). "We can do no great things, just small things with great love. It is not how much you do, but how much love you put into doing it."
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I'm melting!!! Melting!!! (aka: turning into a liquid)
Dave Gibbons tells a bit of his story as the book progresses, about how he had this huge church in the OC with lots of attenders yet he was missing the presence of God until he went to Thailand. I love his honesty here.
I started to read things that I knew would be uber challenging to the majority of church attenders, even the majority of pastors in the United States. Yet they were things that have been deep inside of me for sometime, even before I read the Bible. I knew that what he was writing was the truth because it almost seemed ingrained into my soul. I don't know how to describe it other than these things have been on my heart.
What things you ask? Well, that being a Christian isn't about being comfortable and catering to other middle-class suburban folk. Its about loving, and embracing those people that make you uncomfortable. Oh how different the church would be if we actually could love our neighbor (and he also explains all of that!)
Third-culture is the term used here, but what that really means is accepting culture. I accept and embrace your culture without trying to change it. Different, right? Radical love. Kind of, okay, well exactly like the ministry that Jesus ran when he was on the earth, hanging out with lepers, prostitutes and slimy tax collectors, not the safe folks in the synagogue.
I love how Gibbons weaves the Bible stories right in to support his claims and beliefs. I love how he boldly states just exactly how he feels, and his hope for the Church. I have finished chapter 3, and look forward to diving more deeply into this manifesto for change, and mostly applying it to my life. I wish to be a monkey no more.
Being a liquid leader is in the subtitle, which is why I said I am melting. A liquid takes the shape of the object that holds it, so you think about that for a little bit and chew hard.
I have to leave you with this quote, because if I could write a statement off of my heart even before I read this book, I would write this one from page 83:
This is the type of church and kingdom I want to be a part of -- a band of people who are messy, have addictions and shortcomings, make mistakes, get rejected, and are screwed up, but are so fully aware of the Master's grace and love for them in spite of who they are or once were or will be someday; people who embrace discomfort knowing there is so much to be gained for all of us and for all of our churches. How? In passionately pursing a biblical love for those whom the Bible defines as a neighbor.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Monkey and the Fish
So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.
I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.
Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.
A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.
A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.
- An Eastern Parable
My heart heart still sinks reading this.
I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.
Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.
Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed
Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.
God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.
I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.
But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.
Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.
It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.
Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."
It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.
I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.
So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.
My Story Story
I had a tremendous opportunity to attend a pretty awesome Christian conference called Story on October 28th. For FREE!!! I got hooked up to serve at the conference at registration. After registration, we were free to attend the conference. I was psyched, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit Storychicago.com.
This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.
I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.
I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.
I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.
I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.
And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.
This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.
I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.
I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.
some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.
This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.
I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.
I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.
I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.
I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.
And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.
This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.
I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.
I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.
some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.
Friday, March 13, 2009
God's advice for me: shut up!
"God gave you a mind. God gave you reason. God gave you a unique sensitivity; its built into your spiritual system, and each persons system is tuned differently. God want to reveal his will to you and to teach you while you are waiting. So while you are waiting, don't start searching for spooky stuff. We walk by faith, not by sight (2 cor 5:7). Get into his word. Get on your knees. Accept counsel from those who are maturing and balanced believers, solidly biblical in their theology and in their own life. And wait. Wait! Don't try to read the stars, and while you're at it, stay away from people who tell you they can. The answers are not on your palms or in some astrology column or in the flash of a crystal. However, there are tangible things to connect with. Passages of scripture that bring comfort and insight. Messages that enlighten and enliven. Certain people you respect. Tap into those, wait, and listen with a sensitive ear. Like Esther, don't rush into big decisions. And may I be painfully direct? Don't talk so much! Believers who are maturing not only respect God's silence, they model it as well." Charles Swindoll
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Randomness at 4am ishness
My sister is on her way to jolly England, with a one day jaunt into France.
My friend Rachael is going to plant a church there.
I pray that God unites them somehow. Maybe that would be awesome.
I read The Shack, and it was an easy read. Interestingly enough, I fell asleep reading it. I was oddly at peace while reading, and don't know if I dreamed I was in the Shack too. Forget how some theology is wrong... its basically right, and explains God in a way most people can understand. It certainly won't throw anyone off. And I cried a few times. I cried during the parts that I needed to heal, and somehow accepted Mack's experience as my own.
I confess I am wanting lots of stuff right now. First a computer, then a phone. I can't even pay the bills I have, I must be nuts. It has nothing to do with things and everything to do with escaping.
Truth of the matter is I have no idea how I can afford what I already have.
And the trial is coming up.
And this is the hardest time of my life.
The next 6 months will likely be the most crucial part of my life.
I need God the most right now.
I need to reach out the most right now.
I don't know how to do that. This must be a start.
I am isolating, and going back to old patterns and it needs to stop.
Help me God, be with me. Help me friends, be my friends. I am new at this and need you to reach out to me because I cannot, or do not know how. And tears fall at 4am because even though I am tired I stay up.
It hurts to see his face because I miss him so. I get angry because there is nothing I can do but wait. And I want to take the pain away from him, but I can't. Nothing I do or say will ever change a thing. Who knows what he is going through. And, I miss being pregnant. I miss this expectation of a child. I can't look in the spare room cuz of all the baby stuff and I can't do anything but cry even though I should be doing dishes or laundry or dusting or vacuuming.
And it is wrapped around my heart tightly, pressing in, squeezing. That is where the tears come from.
So much brokenness. Thank God that God is in control.
Jesus I have no idea what you are doing, but you know what is best and I have to trust in you Lord.
My friend Rachael is going to plant a church there.
I pray that God unites them somehow. Maybe that would be awesome.
I read The Shack, and it was an easy read. Interestingly enough, I fell asleep reading it. I was oddly at peace while reading, and don't know if I dreamed I was in the Shack too. Forget how some theology is wrong... its basically right, and explains God in a way most people can understand. It certainly won't throw anyone off. And I cried a few times. I cried during the parts that I needed to heal, and somehow accepted Mack's experience as my own.
I confess I am wanting lots of stuff right now. First a computer, then a phone. I can't even pay the bills I have, I must be nuts. It has nothing to do with things and everything to do with escaping.
Truth of the matter is I have no idea how I can afford what I already have.
And the trial is coming up.
And this is the hardest time of my life.
The next 6 months will likely be the most crucial part of my life.
I need God the most right now.
I need to reach out the most right now.
I don't know how to do that. This must be a start.
I am isolating, and going back to old patterns and it needs to stop.
Help me God, be with me. Help me friends, be my friends. I am new at this and need you to reach out to me because I cannot, or do not know how. And tears fall at 4am because even though I am tired I stay up.
It hurts to see his face because I miss him so. I get angry because there is nothing I can do but wait. And I want to take the pain away from him, but I can't. Nothing I do or say will ever change a thing. Who knows what he is going through. And, I miss being pregnant. I miss this expectation of a child. I can't look in the spare room cuz of all the baby stuff and I can't do anything but cry even though I should be doing dishes or laundry or dusting or vacuuming.
And it is wrapped around my heart tightly, pressing in, squeezing. That is where the tears come from.
So much brokenness. Thank God that God is in control.
Jesus I have no idea what you are doing, but you know what is best and I have to trust in you Lord.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I lost my Bible!!!
I lost my Bible on Valentine's day.
But you see, it wasn't just a Bible, it was my Bible. My Bible had my markings, lines, highlights, hearts, notes. I could find some scripture that I wanted quickly, I knew that Bible like the back of my hand. Now, for those of you that know me, you know my Bible has gone lots of places with me. I am sure the restaurant where I last had it has it, I still have to call and find out.
I decided to buy a Bible that I could carry with me everywhere 3 years ago in February. This Bible was the perfect size and I could still read the letters without a magnifying glass or glasses. I had been reading this honking huge one, and to be honest, I did not enjoy carrying it with me everywhere. It was a great Bible, thanks Dad, but it was too big, too heavy. I was just getting into the Word, reading it a lot, journaling, and getting to know God. I had decided to follow Jesus, and buying this Bible was the first physical step for me. It was going to be one that I chose and could have near to me always.
I have spent time with my nose in that book at work, in bed, on my couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom (aka the library), on a plane, in the car, at doctor's offices, in church, at a courthouse waiting the trial that did not yet happen...
Losing my Bible, I feel like I lost a part of me. The Bible was not just a book, it was my friend, my comforter in times of stress.
Now, I have to have like over a dozen different Bibles around the house. I have the one my dad gave my mom when they were dating, I have the one I used in Jr High/High School, Dave's got tons including the Archeological Study Bible and the Apologetics Bible. He actually uses the Big Honker NLT mentioned above that I gave up in favor for the small one. Someone gave Dave a Catholic Action Bible, which is more for entertainment value than anything... that one is the largest. Next door in the spare room is at least the Superheroes Bible and the Rhyme Bible. My buddy Paul has my Message Remix.
But they aren't my Bible.
I know they are all the Word of God.
I just bought a friend the exact Bible I would have got if I were buying myself another one, well a study one. See I get distracted a lot by the footnotes, and spend too much time reading them, not enough time reading the actual Bible part.
So, pray for me. If it is God's will, I will get my friend back. If not, it's off to Family Christian to pick out a new one. I make the call tommorow.
But you see, it wasn't just a Bible, it was my Bible. My Bible had my markings, lines, highlights, hearts, notes. I could find some scripture that I wanted quickly, I knew that Bible like the back of my hand. Now, for those of you that know me, you know my Bible has gone lots of places with me. I am sure the restaurant where I last had it has it, I still have to call and find out.
I decided to buy a Bible that I could carry with me everywhere 3 years ago in February. This Bible was the perfect size and I could still read the letters without a magnifying glass or glasses. I had been reading this honking huge one, and to be honest, I did not enjoy carrying it with me everywhere. It was a great Bible, thanks Dad, but it was too big, too heavy. I was just getting into the Word, reading it a lot, journaling, and getting to know God. I had decided to follow Jesus, and buying this Bible was the first physical step for me. It was going to be one that I chose and could have near to me always.
I have spent time with my nose in that book at work, in bed, on my couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom (aka the library), on a plane, in the car, at doctor's offices, in church, at a courthouse waiting the trial that did not yet happen...
Losing my Bible, I feel like I lost a part of me. The Bible was not just a book, it was my friend, my comforter in times of stress.
Now, I have to have like over a dozen different Bibles around the house. I have the one my dad gave my mom when they were dating, I have the one I used in Jr High/High School, Dave's got tons including the Archeological Study Bible and the Apologetics Bible. He actually uses the Big Honker NLT mentioned above that I gave up in favor for the small one. Someone gave Dave a Catholic Action Bible, which is more for entertainment value than anything... that one is the largest. Next door in the spare room is at least the Superheroes Bible and the Rhyme Bible. My buddy Paul has my Message Remix.
But they aren't my Bible.
I know they are all the Word of God.
I just bought a friend the exact Bible I would have got if I were buying myself another one, well a study one. See I get distracted a lot by the footnotes, and spend too much time reading them, not enough time reading the actual Bible part.
So, pray for me. If it is God's will, I will get my friend back. If not, it's off to Family Christian to pick out a new one. I make the call tommorow.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Idolatry, Holiness, and One Night Stands
Its funny how you think about somethings, and then read about them the next day.
Today I was reading how following other people, putting them above God is IDOL WORSHIP. Because the definition of idolatry is worshiping something created instead of the Creator.
Imagine walking into Home Depot, Menard's, or Lowe's and walking out with some wood. Say you come home and turn that wood into a statue. Then you take the statue and start talking to it, praying to it and worshiping it. Putting your faith in man is no better. God created it.
I'm at work (while we had some down time) reading, while my co-worker is reading a book by Chelsea Handler about her one night stands. Eventually she asks me "so, what you reading?" And I show her the cover and it reads "The Holiness of God." To which I answer, "pretty much the opposite of what you are reading." She goes "yeah."
I realized that my aspirations and dreams and goals and all of the things that I value in my life are completely opposite of most of the world. Here I am pondering the holiness of God while someone else is laughing at another woman's sexual exploits published for the world to read.
Oh how far I have come.
God, save us all.
I long to get close to you, know you more.
Today I was reading how following other people, putting them above God is IDOL WORSHIP. Because the definition of idolatry is worshiping something created instead of the Creator.
Imagine walking into Home Depot, Menard's, or Lowe's and walking out with some wood. Say you come home and turn that wood into a statue. Then you take the statue and start talking to it, praying to it and worshiping it. Putting your faith in man is no better. God created it.
I'm at work (while we had some down time) reading, while my co-worker is reading a book by Chelsea Handler about her one night stands. Eventually she asks me "so, what you reading?" And I show her the cover and it reads "The Holiness of God." To which I answer, "pretty much the opposite of what you are reading." She goes "yeah."
I realized that my aspirations and dreams and goals and all of the things that I value in my life are completely opposite of most of the world. Here I am pondering the holiness of God while someone else is laughing at another woman's sexual exploits published for the world to read.
Oh how far I have come.
God, save us all.
I long to get close to you, know you more.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I've been tagged-- 29 semi random things "About Me"
Several people have tagged me in 16, 21, 25, 1 million, Things about Me...
So, I won't tag you back, too many people that I can't keep straight.
This is so that you get to know me better.
1. I feel like my life just began at 30 when I was baptized at CCC March 19. This March I turn 3.
2. My mom died that summer('06), and her illness and death is probably the best worst thing that has ever happened to me as I have been able to be my own person and I have dug deep and discovered a relationship with my Jesus. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy.
3. I have a very, very hard time remembering names, so if I forget yours, don't take it personally.
4. When I think of myself, I don't picture me as heavy as I really am. Sometimes the mirror reminds me I am fat.
5. I have always had a very hard time making "girlfriends" and an even harder time keeping them.
6. I have experienced two miscarriages this year. One passed natural and I just had a procedure for the last one. I really miss my babies that I never had.
7. There is an ongoing custody case for my husband's son. I know we are going to win, eventually. The process is just long and hard. Sometimes I wish we could just duke it out on the Jerry Springer show because she makes me feel that way.
8. I have one younger sister, and two cousins in particular that I am so close to they are like sisters. It would be awesome if we could all go with my aunt and our husbands to Disney together. (I have never been.)
9. I am the main breadwinner for my home, and fear losing my job because we are one paycheck away from losing it all. Yet, God keeps providing!
10. I seem to tell people too much about myself in hopes that we will somehow bond and be closer, and I wonder if it just leaves me open to scrutiny and to be made fun of but I wouldn't do it any other way.
11. God keeps urging me to tell other women that they are beautiful, yet I have a very hard time accepting it myself.
12. I fight depression everyday.
13. I feel closest to God when I read the Bible, and spend time with people. Being holed up at home keeps me away from both, and thus I go back to #12.
14. It was a combination of bronchitis, knitting, and having lots of sex that helped me to quit smoking. It was Dave for the last part, but it was before we were married! (oh taboo!)
15. I think I might be the only person brave enough to mention sex in her list more than once.
16. My husband and I have a running list for a drinking game to CSI:Miami, yet we don't drink.
17. My husband is my best friend. I am also very close with my sister, cousins and aunt.
18. I was born at the hospital I work at, and I joke that I will likely die there as well.
19. My name is Shelley Marie Egeland, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to help people find their way back to God.
20. My maiden name was two first names, and I don't mind that most people misspell my name now because they don't call me by my last name anymore.
21. I could have been an all "A" student if I actually did my homework and studied. Yes, I am one of "those" kids. Learning comes easy to me.
22. I love reading.
23. I hate bees with a mad passion. I once hit someone in the nuts accidentally running away from a bee. I also ended up in the ER after running away from a bee and landing my knee smack dab in the middle of a concrete step. Its the only thing I hate about fall.
24. I love my iPod, but I can't fill it up because my computer doesn't have enough memory. It's an old computer. I like podcasts of sermons as well as worship music.
25. If I could wish one thing, it would be that there would no longer be any poverty, and everyone in the whole world would have enough, a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear, medicine and healthcare. I also believe its possible, and we don't have to give up much of ourselves to achieve this. Yet we are selfish by nature.
26. I want a Crackberry, but Dave won't let me have one because he thinks I would never be found again.
27. The only "Reality" TV shows I watch are Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Girls Next Door.
28. Psalm 27:4
29. I have never ever been a morning person, and if you see me before noon and I look funny, its because I am tired!
So, I won't tag you back, too many people that I can't keep straight.
This is so that you get to know me better.
1. I feel like my life just began at 30 when I was baptized at CCC March 19. This March I turn 3.
2. My mom died that summer('06), and her illness and death is probably the best worst thing that has ever happened to me as I have been able to be my own person and I have dug deep and discovered a relationship with my Jesus. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy.
3. I have a very, very hard time remembering names, so if I forget yours, don't take it personally.
4. When I think of myself, I don't picture me as heavy as I really am. Sometimes the mirror reminds me I am fat.
5. I have always had a very hard time making "girlfriends" and an even harder time keeping them.
6. I have experienced two miscarriages this year. One passed natural and I just had a procedure for the last one. I really miss my babies that I never had.
7. There is an ongoing custody case for my husband's son. I know we are going to win, eventually. The process is just long and hard. Sometimes I wish we could just duke it out on the Jerry Springer show because she makes me feel that way.
8. I have one younger sister, and two cousins in particular that I am so close to they are like sisters. It would be awesome if we could all go with my aunt and our husbands to Disney together. (I have never been.)
9. I am the main breadwinner for my home, and fear losing my job because we are one paycheck away from losing it all. Yet, God keeps providing!
10. I seem to tell people too much about myself in hopes that we will somehow bond and be closer, and I wonder if it just leaves me open to scrutiny and to be made fun of but I wouldn't do it any other way.
11. God keeps urging me to tell other women that they are beautiful, yet I have a very hard time accepting it myself.
12. I fight depression everyday.
13. I feel closest to God when I read the Bible, and spend time with people. Being holed up at home keeps me away from both, and thus I go back to #12.
14. It was a combination of bronchitis, knitting, and having lots of sex that helped me to quit smoking. It was Dave for the last part, but it was before we were married! (oh taboo!)
15. I think I might be the only person brave enough to mention sex in her list more than once.
16. My husband and I have a running list for a drinking game to CSI:Miami, yet we don't drink.
17. My husband is my best friend. I am also very close with my sister, cousins and aunt.
18. I was born at the hospital I work at, and I joke that I will likely die there as well.
19. My name is Shelley Marie Egeland, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to help people find their way back to God.
20. My maiden name was two first names, and I don't mind that most people misspell my name now because they don't call me by my last name anymore.
21. I could have been an all "A" student if I actually did my homework and studied. Yes, I am one of "those" kids. Learning comes easy to me.
22. I love reading.
23. I hate bees with a mad passion. I once hit someone in the nuts accidentally running away from a bee. I also ended up in the ER after running away from a bee and landing my knee smack dab in the middle of a concrete step. Its the only thing I hate about fall.
24. I love my iPod, but I can't fill it up because my computer doesn't have enough memory. It's an old computer. I like podcasts of sermons as well as worship music.
25. If I could wish one thing, it would be that there would no longer be any poverty, and everyone in the whole world would have enough, a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear, medicine and healthcare. I also believe its possible, and we don't have to give up much of ourselves to achieve this. Yet we are selfish by nature.
26. I want a Crackberry, but Dave won't let me have one because he thinks I would never be found again.
27. The only "Reality" TV shows I watch are Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Girls Next Door.
28. Psalm 27:4
29. I have never ever been a morning person, and if you see me before noon and I look funny, its because I am tired!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The King (David) and I
First, let me list all the Davids in my life. There is my husband, my husband's father David, David Crowder, Dave Ferguson, David Caruso (CSI Miami's Horatio Caine), my friend David, my uncle David, Dave who plays the drums, David the statue, David Bowie, David Copperfield, David Letterman, The Harry and David Store, David's Bridal, Dave Matthew's Band and David from middle school that I am now Facebook friends with (I have 6 Dave/Davids as friends on Facebook!)
The one that I am finally getting to know is a guy thats been dead for centuries. King David, as in David and Goliath, ancestor of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy. I am reading this awesome study that I got my David for Christmas.
The more I read about his life, the more I identify. Did you know that David basically wandered and hid in the hills and deserts from age 17 to age 30? Seriously, that is what my life felt like. Then at 30, he finally became king, but didnt govern the entire country of Isreal for over 7 years! Could you imagine knowing you were going to be king for that long and nothing happening?
Of course, I didn't really know that God had big plans for my life until I was 30. My life just started at 30. Of course, I was baptized, and started to actually follow Jesus then. Not just go to church at Christmas and talk about how I was going to heaven because I believed, but ACTUALLY persuing to get to know Him and become like Him! (So many people just do, they actually aren't even close to being.)
Then of course Community is doing a series called 2.0 right now, and my small group is studying what it means to actually claim your adoption by God. And it all goes together. Yet David keeps me intrigued. Why? David slew lions and bears (but not tigers, oh my) before he slew the giant. He saw Goliath as just a tall hot head. He trusted in God immensely. He was a man after God's own heart.
But David had his downfall, and God is speaking to me now... don't you mess this up he says.
David had an issue with lust. He had a lot of wives and concubines, and therefore a lot of children. And he was too busy playing king to play daddy. And his children suffered. They were not the best kids. In fact, one of his sons raped his half sister, another raped all of David's wives. And all David did was get mad. His kids were out of control. David had left his wives and concubines to kind of raise themselves, and they needed a strong man in their lives.
I pray now that God will not let me forsake my family. You see, he has told me how great the plans he has for me are. I don't know what they are, but they are going to be more than I ever expected. And God gently reminded me not to screw up. Go after my heart, he says, but don't forget my heart is for you to have a family as well.
And I never thought it possible, yet here I am. Well, its getting late and I want to read some more about David, and keep growing. I want to trust that God is there, working always in my life.
(by the way, I haven't been online much, but for you folks who follow me, know I am reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment, much lest post on my own, but I love you and will be delighting your blogs with comments when I get the chance-love xraychick)
The one that I am finally getting to know is a guy thats been dead for centuries. King David, as in David and Goliath, ancestor of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy. I am reading this awesome study that I got my David for Christmas.
The more I read about his life, the more I identify. Did you know that David basically wandered and hid in the hills and deserts from age 17 to age 30? Seriously, that is what my life felt like. Then at 30, he finally became king, but didnt govern the entire country of Isreal for over 7 years! Could you imagine knowing you were going to be king for that long and nothing happening?
Of course, I didn't really know that God had big plans for my life until I was 30. My life just started at 30. Of course, I was baptized, and started to actually follow Jesus then. Not just go to church at Christmas and talk about how I was going to heaven because I believed, but ACTUALLY persuing to get to know Him and become like Him! (So many people just do, they actually aren't even close to being.)
Then of course Community is doing a series called 2.0 right now, and my small group is studying what it means to actually claim your adoption by God. And it all goes together. Yet David keeps me intrigued. Why? David slew lions and bears (but not tigers, oh my) before he slew the giant. He saw Goliath as just a tall hot head. He trusted in God immensely. He was a man after God's own heart.
But David had his downfall, and God is speaking to me now... don't you mess this up he says.
David had an issue with lust. He had a lot of wives and concubines, and therefore a lot of children. And he was too busy playing king to play daddy. And his children suffered. They were not the best kids. In fact, one of his sons raped his half sister, another raped all of David's wives. And all David did was get mad. His kids were out of control. David had left his wives and concubines to kind of raise themselves, and they needed a strong man in their lives.
I pray now that God will not let me forsake my family. You see, he has told me how great the plans he has for me are. I don't know what they are, but they are going to be more than I ever expected. And God gently reminded me not to screw up. Go after my heart, he says, but don't forget my heart is for you to have a family as well.
And I never thought it possible, yet here I am. Well, its getting late and I want to read some more about David, and keep growing. I want to trust that God is there, working always in my life.
(by the way, I haven't been online much, but for you folks who follow me, know I am reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment, much lest post on my own, but I love you and will be delighting your blogs with comments when I get the chance-love xraychick)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Emmanuel
God With Us by Mercy Me
Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way
We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing
-Chorus-
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us
Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet
This song has been our theme song since May. God wants Dave and me to know that He is with us, always.
So, I bought this book at the Leadership Summit by John Burke called Soul Revolution. It details a 60-60 experiment. Read all about it at SoulRevolution.net. Anyway, I got my husband to read it, and he really wanted to try it. So we went and bought some watches that beep every 60 minutes. (I love no sales tax in Oregon, gives me an excuse to shop.) My watch also keeps track of my golf score, so I guess I need to take up golf.
The point of the experiment is to see what happens when you live a life in constant contact with God. It makes you really conscious of God, and paying attention to His presence in your life. It makes you share even the dumbest details of your life with God. For example, I woke up and peed, then invited God to spend the day with me. Then I thought I guess God wants to be a part of everything in my life, including that. Because God is there, he knows everything, but he wants us to include him in everything. Its like God is in the room with you, but you don't include him, he feels left out. It breaks his heart. This 60-60 is supposed to help us be aware of him in the room, and include him in our lives.
My husband said, "this sounds life-changing" and change is always scary for him, but he wanted it. For once he wanted a change, a good change. This is awesome.
We almost didn't make it onto the airplane yesterday.
I checked into the kiosk 3 minutes late and it said that our reservations were canceled, and the lady on the phone said she could put us on a flight to San Francisco at 8pm. I got MAD. Really mad. I said "this is retarded!" She wanted to delay our coming home and charge us 125 bucks for changing flights! Deep inside, I knew I deserved it. We were late to the airport. 3 minutes is three minutes. I could go into how Dave's son didn't want us to leave, and the Oregon traffic, but in truth, we did not deserve to be on that airplane. The guy behind the counter got us boarding passes, and we raced through security only to find they hadn't even begun to board the flight.
Coming out of the bathroom, I cried. This is grace. Grace, undeserved favor. God showed us how even a tiny error from the "law" can keep us from home. In the Bible it says if you break even one of the laws in the tiniest bit, you break them all. The whole law is broken. That is why we need Jesus, that is why we need grace. I cried because we did not deserve to be on that flight. I cried because I did nothing good to deserve heaven. Yet God was with us, he sent his son Jesus who obeyed the law, and then suffered and died for us, so that we could be with him in heaven.
I cried on the plane. I cried because there is a little boy we were leaving behind who was going to have to go through a lot of pain. It was nothing that was his fault. None of this is his fault, yet he has to pay the price. I cried because I wish I could take all of that away. I cried because he wanted us to stay. I cried because I needed to cry. I cried because this is going to be the hardest year of his life and he has no idea. I cry because I have no idea what his mom is telling him. I cry because she tells him things that I cannot control, and I cry because she makes him codependent. I cry because ripping off the band-aid hurts no matter if you do it fast or slow. I cry because God is with me, with us. I cry because I don't deserve it. I cry because the little boy knows nothing about my Jesus, and his concept is so messed up because of his mom. I cry because so much of him is messed up because of his mom. I cry because God wants me to cry. He wants me to feel. He wants me to know that his heart is broken too. He wants me to know it is okay for me to cry.
I cried when I went the wrong way, not because I went the wrong way, but because I was praying I would not see any homeless kids hitchhiking on the highway, and I did. This area is so impoverished, this area is so hopeless. I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I can't. But, my Jesus can. No one should have to be homeless in the United States. Yet poverty is horrible. Unemployment is horrible. The school system is horrible. The health care system is horrible. Welcome to America, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Some people have Africa, the Phillipines, China.... I have America. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart.
Listen to "Girl America" by Mat Kearney. Try not to cry and/or rock out.
Try listening to God, and see how that changes your life. I dare you. Check out http://www.soulrevolution.net/
Email me, twitter me, facebook me, IM me, leave a comment, let me know how God is speaking to you.
Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way
We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing
-Chorus-
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us
My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us
Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet
This song has been our theme song since May. God wants Dave and me to know that He is with us, always.
So, I bought this book at the Leadership Summit by John Burke called Soul Revolution. It details a 60-60 experiment. Read all about it at SoulRevolution.net. Anyway, I got my husband to read it, and he really wanted to try it. So we went and bought some watches that beep every 60 minutes. (I love no sales tax in Oregon, gives me an excuse to shop.) My watch also keeps track of my golf score, so I guess I need to take up golf.
The point of the experiment is to see what happens when you live a life in constant contact with God. It makes you really conscious of God, and paying attention to His presence in your life. It makes you share even the dumbest details of your life with God. For example, I woke up and peed, then invited God to spend the day with me. Then I thought I guess God wants to be a part of everything in my life, including that. Because God is there, he knows everything, but he wants us to include him in everything. Its like God is in the room with you, but you don't include him, he feels left out. It breaks his heart. This 60-60 is supposed to help us be aware of him in the room, and include him in our lives.
My husband said, "this sounds life-changing" and change is always scary for him, but he wanted it. For once he wanted a change, a good change. This is awesome.
We almost didn't make it onto the airplane yesterday.
I checked into the kiosk 3 minutes late and it said that our reservations were canceled, and the lady on the phone said she could put us on a flight to San Francisco at 8pm. I got MAD. Really mad. I said "this is retarded!" She wanted to delay our coming home and charge us 125 bucks for changing flights! Deep inside, I knew I deserved it. We were late to the airport. 3 minutes is three minutes. I could go into how Dave's son didn't want us to leave, and the Oregon traffic, but in truth, we did not deserve to be on that airplane. The guy behind the counter got us boarding passes, and we raced through security only to find they hadn't even begun to board the flight.
Coming out of the bathroom, I cried. This is grace. Grace, undeserved favor. God showed us how even a tiny error from the "law" can keep us from home. In the Bible it says if you break even one of the laws in the tiniest bit, you break them all. The whole law is broken. That is why we need Jesus, that is why we need grace. I cried because we did not deserve to be on that flight. I cried because I did nothing good to deserve heaven. Yet God was with us, he sent his son Jesus who obeyed the law, and then suffered and died for us, so that we could be with him in heaven.
I cried on the plane. I cried because there is a little boy we were leaving behind who was going to have to go through a lot of pain. It was nothing that was his fault. None of this is his fault, yet he has to pay the price. I cried because I wish I could take all of that away. I cried because he wanted us to stay. I cried because I needed to cry. I cried because this is going to be the hardest year of his life and he has no idea. I cry because I have no idea what his mom is telling him. I cry because she tells him things that I cannot control, and I cry because she makes him codependent. I cry because ripping off the band-aid hurts no matter if you do it fast or slow. I cry because God is with me, with us. I cry because I don't deserve it. I cry because the little boy knows nothing about my Jesus, and his concept is so messed up because of his mom. I cry because so much of him is messed up because of his mom. I cry because God wants me to cry. He wants me to feel. He wants me to know that his heart is broken too. He wants me to know it is okay for me to cry.
I cried when I went the wrong way, not because I went the wrong way, but because I was praying I would not see any homeless kids hitchhiking on the highway, and I did. This area is so impoverished, this area is so hopeless. I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I can't. But, my Jesus can. No one should have to be homeless in the United States. Yet poverty is horrible. Unemployment is horrible. The school system is horrible. The health care system is horrible. Welcome to America, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Some people have Africa, the Phillipines, China.... I have America. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart.
Listen to "Girl America" by Mat Kearney. Try not to cry and/or rock out.
Try listening to God, and see how that changes your life. I dare you. Check out http://www.soulrevolution.net/
Email me, twitter me, facebook me, IM me, leave a comment, let me know how God is speaking to you.
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