Not turning back

I am finally giving up an old friend.  Her name was Icanseerightthroughyou.  If I just baffled you, its because that was my screen name.  Back from the old Yahoo days of yore, and I dragged her into  googleland.  But alas, I have given her up for dead.  I am getting rid of the old email address bit by bit I am killing her off, and I am not turning back.

I decided to do that if I didn't get this job I interviewed for.

I had read that employers don't take you seriously with a weird email address.  Also, most folks thought that I was psychic or something.  Some even say "I love that song!" (never heard it).  I am also getting embarrassed when I have to tell others what it is.

Honestly, I will likely transfer to a Wordpress blog since Blogger won't let me transfer the sign in email account.  Be on the lookout for a feed change yet again my friends.

I have really changed in the past 5 years.  People I knew and hung out with 5 years ago don't really know me very well now.  But I am getting to know the real me more and more every day.  I don't have it all anywhere near figured out, but I sure know where I am going... and I am not turning back.

Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

From this moment on

We all know those moments in time where things will change forever.  The day we take the wedding vows, the day you find out the test results, the day the phone rings with unbearable news.  Well this weekend, God reached down and touched my heart, my marriage, my family.

My sister invited Dave and I up for a marriage conference at her church.  She offered to pay the way for Dave and I as well as watch Jeramy.  Not only that, she offered to pay for our gas and meals!  How awesome was that?  So I took Friday off of work and we drove up to Wisconsin after school.  I should have looked at the construction on the Interstates, because it seemed like it took us forever to get up there.  Especially when Jeramy asked every fifteen minutes.  This was his first trip up to visit his Aunt Megan in Wisconsin, and see Lake Michigan.  He loved it.

We stayed at the home Megan lives at, with the Reynolds family.  They live down the street from her church, and it saved us a ton of gas and time when the conference got moved to Living Light instead of the other church it was going to be at.  Not only that, but the Reynolds helped us to feel at home, and they were extremely gracious hosts, full of love and hospitality.  Their two children are darling, and full of love and energy.  We had a comfortable bed, a hot shower, hot coffee (even had my creamer!) and good food and atmosphere!

I have been looking forward to this weekend with anticipation, knowing that things would be different.  Would my behavior change, my attitude?  I wasn't sure, but much like the woman in the Bible who bled for 8 years, I was hurting and waiting for an opportunity to touch Jesus.  I knew that Jesus would be there this weekend, and that things would be different.  I just wasn't sure how.

A few weeks ago Celebrate the Journey had a healing service, it was awesome and much was healed and repaired there.  It was like preparing the way.  This weekend I had heart surgery.  God showed me how things were wrong in my heart, and I opened up for him to come and repair it.  And I surrendered.  I gave Jesus all of the chaos, all of my mistakes, all of my past, all of my pain.  And he took it.

I am lighter in spirit now.  Heavier with the right spirit might be more appropriate.  The dark clouds are completely gone from me.  Now is a very critical time in my life, because once you sweep a house clean of bad spirit, you need to fill it with the right spirit, the Holy Spirit. 

Often we talk alot about God the Father, or Jesus the Son, but there is three parts to Trinity. God the Spirit, the Comforter, Counselor, Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit.  Jesus left the earth so that the Comforter might come.  Oh come Emmanuel, God with us.  And He is.  He knocked, and I opened the door.

I have been quite aware of the Holy Spirit for much a long time, and trying to be obedient to its call.  But I had just been keeping it on my friends list like an acquaintance, hanging out with Him when I needed to.  Not anymore.  I need Him constantly, and this weekend, He moved into my heart, for good, to stay.

I am excited to see how He is moving in my husband.  I know Dave was touched and changed as well.  I also know I must wait for the words to come to him to describe it, let him ponder it a while.  God so very much has control over it, and I worry not.

There are many things that are going on in my heart, and that is just one.  If you know me at all, I always have lots going on.  That's just me.  But you see they are all just strings in this beautiful tapestry that I am letting God weave of my life.

I finished Monkey and the Fish, and have moved on to Irresistible Revolution (Shane Claiborne), and a Swindoll book on Grace.  I am inspired to change the way I live my life.  I am not sure what that looks like, but I know that this weekend is just a marker in what begins a new season for me, my marriage, and my family. 

Spring arrives to heal the ground.

Putting the cart before the horse

That's me. Classic me. Me when I don't let Jesus drive. You see, I get so ahead of myself, I don't realize why I am not going anywhere. See, Jesus or the Holy Spirit, is the horse. In order for me to really get moving, to really go anywhere, I have to get over myself and put that cart behind the horse. Be nice to the horse, feed it, water it, get to know it, and before you know it, that horse is helping me get wherever it is I need to go, through the mountains if need be.

So here I am, stepping down from the front of the cart. I need to re-arrange how I have it all hooked up, you see I got it backwards.

No one ever taught me how to hook up the cart the right way. I have been doing this all on my own, or under bad influences my whole life. Here I am feeling like an idiot for getting stuck in the mud. Here I am trying to hide under the cart- strike that- coming up from hiding under the cart.

Help me. I can't hook this up alone. I don't know how. I feel so backwards, lost and left behind in this mud. I feel like I can't ever get out and I need help. Help me. Show me how this crazy cart thing works.

Help me. I am buried in debt. I put the wrong things in front of my God, and now I am stuck. I have used this method to get me where I need to go, only to find that that silly horse was pushing me the whole time and now I am covered in mud and I can't ever get out of this mess without help. Maybe I just need to - no - see I got this all messed up. All the tears I cry will never ever clean up all of this mud. WAIT!!!

Jesus, time and time again you pull me out of this pit I seem to get myself into. Time and time again you wash me clean. I know you won't ever stop, but every time I let myself get into a pit, it seems to be deeper and muddier. But its not. I just was never so clean before, that any mud is just so much more noticeable. Really the mud wants me to think that it will be harder to remove, but it isn't.

See, once I was familiar with the mud, but every time Jesus washes me clean, I forget it. And for some reason this mud sneaks back on me, perhaps because of my cart arrangement.

Well, lets see what happens now, because I am throwing my hands up in the air to the Maker. I am letting go of all I ever knew to see if maybe He can sort out this mess.

Disciplines.... the RPMS model

Most people understand physical disciplines. They understand that you go to the gym, you eat healthy, you take showers. Sometimes, to work out harder, you change up your workout routine. You jog, or you choose fruit instead of fries. Your body needs to be taken care of to grow properly and to stay healthy. Most people do these things.

Most people don't understand spiritual disciplines. You see, in order to grow spiritually, or to stay spiritually healthy, one must practice spiritual disciplines. There are several things that you can do to "exercize" your spirit, or to keep your spirit "clean." If you are wondering why you just don't feel close to God, or why the spiritual things in your life seem thin, it might be because you are not practicing spiritual disciplines, keeping your spirit happy, healthy, and clean.

Just as there are fitness magazines, classes on healthy cooking, and different types of soaps and shampoos, there are different versions of the Bible, Bible study classes and small groups, and different types of churches. Each of these are designed to meet every different person's different needs. Some might be into weight lifting, and some into aerobics. Some might be into the Baptist church, and some might be Evangelical. Some just love to enjoy the outdoors by playing outside with their kids and running around in the yard as opposed to running marathons. Some love to read The Message as opposed to the King James version. Everyone is different, and you are going to have to decide what works for you.

I have to admit, I am way better at ignoring my disciplines rather than doing them. (For example, I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.) Some ignore one to do the other, like jogging in the morning instead of Bible reading and prayer. Some incorporate one with the other, like prayer while jogging. Some do nothing, like watching Judge Judy and eating a bag of chips.

What other disciplines are there? How about Relational and Mental? How are you improving your relationships and keeping them healthy? How are you working on your brain, challenging yourself to always be learning? I guarantee you that Judge Judy and a bag of chips is not doing that either.

This is what the culture at CCC calls the RPMS. (If we put it in the order I used, it would be SPRM, which is why I am sure the church uses the other one.) It helps to measure your velocity, or like the dial on a car, your RPMs... get it? It is a way that you can always be challenging yourself and each other to grow. So, how are you doing? Do you have someone holding you accountable to your goals and vision for yourself?

I have to admit, I have really let my partner down. First off, we haven't been meeting recently. That is going to change right now. Because I haven't had anyone but myself keeping me accountable, I have dropped down on my growth tremendously.

This 60-60 challenge is one of the spiritual disciplines I am doing, on top of reading my Bible and prayer. I am not journaling like I would like to, and feel overwhelmed often.

Physically I just have not been making it to the gym like I would like to, and my body feels it. Hello, read my Monday weigh-in posts.

Relationally, I have not been relating to much of anyone recently.

Mentally, I am not challenging myself like I should.

So, I figure if I am blogging about my physical stuff, why not the rest?

It is kind of like journaling, and I can type way faster than write things out.

One "seasonal" goal for me is to be a better employee. I want my attitude at work to change, because it sucks. Really, I do love my job, I love what I do. But my attitude has been sucked into the negatives, and that has got to stop. Am I doing what I can to be a "model" or "example" employee? HECK no. I need to start with a major attitude adjustment. I was just reading in 1 Peter about servants being the best servant, even when your master is the worst master. I am not saying my boss is bad, I am just saying I have been a servant with a really lousy attitude, and that reflects in my behavior.

Another "seasonal" goal for me is to improve my marriage. I plan on doing this by setting up two times a week I meet with my husband. One is for working, and one for playing. The working one will focus on growing our marriage, Bible study, communication study, etc. The playing one will be our "date" where we do something fun and get out of the house to help keep the romance alive.

Now that I have bored you to tears... I better go, don't want to be late to work on my first day of attitude adjustment!

I found it this way I swear!

Time to clean up my mess and actually get this place ready.

Where do you put stuff there is no room for?

Obviously there is no need, so I will flush it!

Errr, I mean donate it!

Weight Watchers

This is the part where I scream arrrghhhh! I have given in and joined weight watchers and I just pray for the strength to change my life.

I am not dieting... I am changing my life...

sacrificing myself so I can live the life the God desires for me...

no more half pizzas

2007 Year in Review

Wow, just looking back on Blogger for my entries over the past year... I am amazed at two major points... I was sick an awful lot, and the fact that God has really been sculpting me this year, its so awesome to see it happen. Here are some highlights:

1. I got married. It was probably the best event ever in my life so far. Thanks to all my friends and family who made it happen. I have the best husband ever.

2. I went on my Honeymoon and finally got to see the Grand Canyon. I felt so tiny in comparison to that. Yet it was really comforting to know that God cares for me, despite my insignificance in the universe. Sedona was also super cool. It was an experience I won't ever forget. Thanks to Dave's folks for the plane tickets and the rides, and Dave's brother for the house. And thanks to all the friends and family for all the cash gifts at our wedding, we couldn't have enjoyed our honeymoon without your generosity.

3. I got to wear a suit at work. This is odd for a person who wears pajamas (scrubs.) I will be doing this again in '08!

4. I changed my schedule. God put it in my heart to do so, and so I have, and it has literally changed my life. I enjoy being a part of Celebrate the Journey EVERY Tuesday.

5. My cousin Tammy got married! I was a first time bridesmaid. It was a fun wedding, Tammy glowed! Oh and I like her husband too! I will miss them when they move to Indy in the early spring.

6. Mom was laid to rest. On the one year anniversary of her passing (07-07-07) we scattered her ashes into Lake Michigan, and then went swimming! It was so awesome, and freeing. I love you Mom, see you when I get there.

7. Ignite Chicago! I got to see my two favoritest bands in concert! Tree 63 and David Crowder! It was fun, and my sister adopted a child.

8. Babies! A good friend announced that she was pregnant. Also several people at work are also pregnant, or were and now have babies!

9. I gave in and joined Facebook. Be my friend, I need more people to poke, bite, and bomb.

10. The great remodel. We moved into Dad's house for 6 weeks and lets just say I am so glad to be home, so much so we vacationed here.

11. Abby tore a cruciate ligament in her knee, she now limps.

12. We moved back in the house, then had a small fire, lived in a motel for 9 days. Yeah, its was fun, not! Praise God that its all good now.

13. I won the most likely to star in her own reality TV show at work. Funny, my life IS like a reality show.

14. Miss Daisy Mae joined Muffi and Georgie and several others in Doggie Heaven. She was a good dog. She is missed.

15. I gave my testimony. Me, I got up on stage and told intimate details of my life to friends and strangers. It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life, and I did a good job.

16. The thing we haven't made public yet. No, I am not pregnant, but intimate friends know whats up. I pray for a peaceful resolution in '08. I know its redundant putting up something I cannot tell you, but lets just say it is that big and affects me that much.

17. The spare room is occupied. Pray that our friend Paul is able to get on his feet soon.

Happy Old Year to all of you. I have grown more than I could ever imagine, and I have to give God all the glory.

Here's to an even better New Year....

Guess what is coming? Vacation!

Did you know that there are only 15 days left until Christmas? Good thing I started some shopping this weekend. Also thanks to my buddy doing some heavy lifting, I was able to return some unused construction stuff too!

We couldn't decide what to eat on Saturday, so we ended up at the buffet. I never knew that I would not like salad. The dressing was horrible, I couldn't finish it. The meat was gristly, my bench kept coming apart from the base. However they did have a killer cherry cobbler which I topped with soft serve. Yum.

Now I just have to make it through until my vacation. My first day off is a week from Tuesday! Where am I going? Well nowhere or across the country, but that's a whole other story... Lets start with insane and go from there...

I love my friends. They know when I need hugs. Thank you friends.

My own Reality TV Show!

Yes that's right folks, according to my co-workers, I have been nominated most likely to star in their own reality TV show. I think this is hilarious. You know why? My life IS a reality show.

I look back over the last few years and wanted to share some highlights that probably got me qualified to "win" this title.

~I got stranded in Mexico (lost my ID and couldn't fly)
~My best friend shoved a piece of cake in my face at work (no, I did not laugh)
~I have been known to break into dance at random (especially at shift change)
~Mom's illness/death
~Dad's marriage to her caretaker 4 months after she died
~My engagement of only 3 months
~numerous "work" related dramas (I dare not say more)
~my dryer fire post remodeling
~an current event I cannot post yet

I laugh, I find this all funny, because I have survived! I am alive, and really happy (unlike most reality stars.) I don't care that people see me and my life and laugh, because I laugh. This is the joy of having Christ in your heart. Life is not easy folks, but it is for living and loving and laughing... enjoy! Thanks God!

We are HOME!!!

Yes we are home! Internet, our own bed, and sleeping in on Sunday! Phoebe and Abby seem to be the happiest! They know we are home, and love it! They curl up and snuggle in bed with us, making us not want to get out of bed.

Looking forward to our blinds arriving, that means no more fishbowl feelings.

Patience is truly a virtue. The washer and dryer are not installed yet, and they sit in the living room. There are tons of boxes yet to unpack. I better get going.

Thanks God for providing through our hard times. We couldn't do it without you...

Just when we thought we were home

Dave and I are living in a hotel right now. The suggestion was made that we should not stay at our house until the cleaning was done because of the toxicity. Our insurance covers it, and so we are nomads again. We found a really clean and affordable hotel about 5 minutes from home (depending on traffic) and so we shall see what comes of this and when we go home.

So don't mind if I don't update the blog for a while. While the hotel offers free wi-fi, we don't have a laptop. Currently I sit at "Dad's internet cafe" aka Dad's house. I have some errands to run, so I am off.

Remember to appreciate the things you do have... I do.

God, I am confused

Dear God,
Thank your for saving us from having a total disaster Tuesday night. You kept us safe from a fire that could have destroyed our home, our pets, our lives. But I am confused... why now? Why after we remodeled and painted and moved in do we need to move out into a hotel and start all over again? Please help me to understand.

I know this. Your way is better than I can ever imagine. I need to trust in you. Everything is going to be alright.

Help me to not be so traumatized. Help me God, because I cannot do this without you.

Thank you so much. Thank you for loving me and my family and keeping us safe. Thank you for Jesus, AMEN.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

I missed having my life. I don't think I have truly appreciated my home until I lost it. Yet I still feel this empty spot, like something is not quite right. It still doesn't feel like home yet.

Am I trying to fill a hole with something that doesn't fit?

Maybe its because things aren't done, or because all the boxes are yet unpacked. Maybe because the kitchen is still unusable. Yet I sit here waiting for someone else to do it. I don't wanna. I am done with all of this remodeling, and I just want to live... get this pile of pictures to be hung off my couch!

Maybe my house will feel like a home when I can have people over? Who knows.

Until then... I'm fixing a hole... by going to where I belong...
I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where will it go
I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door
And kept my mind from wandering
Where will it go
And it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong
I'm right
Where i belong i'm right
Where i belong.
See the people standing there who disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door.
I'm painting my room in the colourful way
And when my mind is wandering
There i will go.
And it really doesn't matter if
I'm wrong i'm right
Where i belong i'm right
Where i belong.
Silly people run around they worry me
And never ask me why they don't get past my door.
I'm taking the time for a number of things
That weren't important yesterday
And i still go.
I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where it will go.

Unpacking

Yesterday Dave and Jola brought all of the boxes upstairs. Today Dave and I began to tackle the boxes. The Bears lost.

We are home.

The dog and the cat finally figured it out, and the more we unpack, the better they feel. Abby is still very clingy, and I woke up with both the pets in bed. Eventually they will settle down and maybe so will we.

Thanks to my aunt Robin and uncle Ray for the awesomest home cooked dinner tonight! I love you guys!

Anyone want to clean my kitchen?

Today is the day!

Yep, today Dave and I pack up and head back home! There is still a lot of work and cleaning to do, but we will be sleeping in our own bed tonight!

Yeah!

cue music "HOME" by Daughtry...

"I'm going home..."

I can almost taste it now

So it looks like we might spend our first night at home Friday, but don't hold me to it. Dave and I are both working full days until the weekend.

In the meantime, I need to run some errands and order blinds so you don't see me running around naked. AAAAAAHHH!

Guess what else? I don't know but maybe once the shock of thinking of me naked wears off you will forget how lame this post was.

So, what's up?

It looks like we will be moving in this week. (Pray, cross your fingers and knock on wood.) Dave will be working on getting the house ready today.

I am still coughing and blowing my nose, but getting better. Slowly but... surely.

Daisy is not doing too well, and she spent a day in the hospital due to low blood sugar and seizures. She is still tired and needs lots of rest. She has not been using her right back leg, which concerns us. Abby is still limping, but not as bad. Rugby and Phoebe are doing well and causing lots of trouble as usual.

My buddy Neo is settled in up in the Great North (Canada) and I posted his link up on the blog again today. Apparently the squirrels eat out of his hands up there.

Dave and I are looking forward to a trip to the circus in early November with our nieces. We miss our little darlings very much, and it should be lots of fun. Hopefully they will have lots of hugs for me, because I have a lot of hugs for them.

I looked out the window this morning, it was sunny... but raining leaves. This is when I thank God that I don't have to rake. :)

What is the deal?

I have had a really bad month. I have had food poisoning, a bladder infection, and now (yet another) head cold.

I found myself having a hard time singing in church yesterday,then at work my sinuses just drained straight down my throat, leaving me feeling miserable. I did not sleep well last night, and am unsure of my condition today. All I know is my throat is scratchy and swollen. I don't like this.

Good news is that we can start moving back into our home soon. How soon? As soon as we have the time to do so. We need to move some furniture back into place, do some cleaning, then we can start with the stuff. I want my own bed back.

At least I have many cuddly dogs here, and even the cat was cuddly when I got up at 6am to empty my bladder.

Pray for me, please.

Home, home on the range

My heart cries "I want to go home." My husband comes up to me with that look in his eyes. They say there is no place like home, seriously they mean it. I love my dad and Jola, they have been very wonderful to put up with us. But moving back into our new home is so close we can taste it. I want my bed back. I want my space back, the feeling that I cannot describe other than as "home."

Also part of me knows that it is not my home, that it is just a rest stop on my journey. One day I will find myself Home, and my heart yearns for that even more than ever now. This world is not for me. Yet I have so much to learn, miles to go. I know His plans for me are great, but that doesn't stop the hole from calling out to Him.

Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. Awooooooo!