Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

Call me out - please!

Today I got something that I love- I got called out.  It was horribly true and confrontational, but for my benefit.  See, true real friends want me to grow, and not be stuck.  I love it.  I love my friend for what she said.  She isn't one for blogs, so when I write one I want to share, I have to cut and paste in email to her.  She nailed major issues on the head here.  So I want to ask you to read what she wrote, and be changed.  I want to not to burn out or fade away, but to shine on.

Don't be a shooting star on this one Shelley.
If I can be brutally honest here ( you know I will be because you are tough and you can take it and you also know that I love you)

You habit is to be a big shot - but just out of the gate.
Then you fizzle out. You need to KEEP STANDING if you know what I mean.
Look if you have a cause-FIGHT FOR IT
If you want to start and group- THEN STAY WITH IT TIL THE END
If you are writing a book - THEN WRITE IT TIL THE WORDS THE END ARE WRITTEN

Leaders don't just "start things" they see them through. They are people of honor ( hopefully) and I know the best leaders are transparent. They are the same on Sunday at church and on Friday nights. No one is surprised to hear that they are a Christian.-if there is surprise- then somethin aint right.
We are studying  "Sin in the Mirror" and it has been tough to swallow.

Taking my own inventory (ONCE AGAIN Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr)  There is always work to do on myself. So I will continue in Gods grace and mercy.

I never want to be the person that says one thing- and does something completely different! NOT EVER!

Be mindful Shelley that people are always watching you because you claim to be an ambassador of Jesus- I will be so bold to say ACT LIKE IT
You are the daughter of the KING -----ACT LIKE IT
We can give lip service and we can talk the talk- that is easy
Walking the walk however....another story

At the end of the day ask God to show you where you gave lip service or where you pleased Him and hear Him.
Just letting you know that God WILL show you and it will hurt for a while.....
just sayin...............
Been tough on me too....
join me on that challenge will ya?

I love you and believe in you Shelley Egeland

Yes, I am joining in on this challenge.  I am asking people to hold me accountable because like she said I also do not want to be the person who says one thing and does another.  Help me, pray for me, and join me if you will.  

Living out of sanity

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Two Hands by Jars of Clay

Well the last month has been, well, a struggle to say the least.  Honestly I can say that my depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me.  The song above really lists a lot of how I feel. Pretty much every single word. 

The self I was and the self I am in Christ are battling it out right now.  You might have noticed my lack of status updates on Facebook/Twitter.  Well, I just haven't had anything good to say, I had forgotten much.  Yesterday, I had to run away from myself.  Thank God it was Tuesday.  Celebrate the Journey day.  My one day to come in and say I am broken and people say "that's great! Me too!"  I can feel like total crap coming in, and coming out feel so much better about it later.  I was in a spiral that needed to be broken and I broke it.

In group we talked about doing things our way, and how that doesn't really benefit us, but hinders us.  It was our last meeting as a group, and the leader bought us all cards and had us write a letter to ourselves, so that one day when the Holy Spirit prompts her, she will send them out.  Honestly I don't care if I never get it because I think it was what I needed that night.  That card, that exercise, that group.

I got a phone number from a person whom I love and she wants to be there for me.  I got told that I had taught someone a lot and I should not give up leading.  I got told that my humility and willingness to be lead and learn is a wonderful trait of a good leader.  I hear all of these good things about me, and I remember the joy I once held.  The spark that still resides inside of me as a burning ember waiting to be fanned into flame.

Somewhere inside this darkness and hurt is someone is loves life, and being healthy, and making good choices, and helping others.  Somewhere inside here is a leader with a heart to follow God's will.  Somewhere in here, somewhere...  And I haven't lost hope.  I haven't given up.  God hasn't given up on me, my friends have not given up on me.

Keep praying for me, help me thaw this icy buildup. 

Its alright

I don't know where I would be without people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am headed for destruction.

They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."

So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.

So, here is how I need help:

• Moms and Dads: do you have suggestions for a reward and punishment system that works?

• Anyone want to clean my house for me? Serious here.
  

• I need some moms to talk to because I am really new at this and I feel what I am going through is not normal, when people keep telling me that it is. Lets have coffee!
  

• I need major help with my budget and I mean major

I am sure there are a million more ways, but these are the major ones. Now I better get in the shower because there is work to be done.

Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:


Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont

There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say

Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right

We were made to walk on water

Matthew 14: ²²Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, ²⁴but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

²⁵During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

²⁸"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

²⁹"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

³¹Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

³²And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

I often relate to Peter. This is one of my favorite passages from the Bible. How often is it that I ask God if I can walk on water, but then sink because I stop paying attention to him and notice the storm around me? Way too often. How often is it that I make a mistake and cry out to God for Him to save me? Way too often. How often is it that the Lord saves me? Every time. Every time I cry out to Him.

It was if all the miracles that Jesus performed before didn't mean anything, but walking on water, calming the sea, that made them worship Him.

Are you surrounded by miracles, but refuse to acknowledge that it is God? Do you have to make God walk on water and come to you? Do you ask God if you should follow, obey, then sink because you took your eyes off of him and put your eyes on the world?

Jesus came so we can walk on water. But he also came because he knows how hard it is for us to do so. He knows how we get overwhelmed by the storms of this world.

Are you overwhelmed? Have you lost your sight of God? Cry out to Jesus, he will save you!

Season to write

In this new life, I always want to be moving forward. I don't want to be overcome, but I think one of the ways that God has provided for me is that I can write. Writing helps me to wrap my head around my feelings. The things that swarm my brain and my heart.

To everything there is a season, and with time off from leading a group, perhaps I need to take that time to write.

Okay, fine, God is calling me to write.

You see, I have this story to tell, and if I don't write it down, if I don't share what I know out of my obedient overflow, many will miss out.

God previously called me to be silent, to be still and listen as He did the work.

In this season, He is causing me to sing "I will not be silent" (ala David Crowder Band) and to share what the Lord has done through me.

Today I was invited to sit in on my church's All Staff meeting, where we had a guest speaker. Anne Jackson (another Anne with an e-- love it!) wrote the book Mad Church Disease. She talked about how serving should come from an obedient overflow and that phrase stuck out to me. You see I feel that by grace I am swimming in this overflow, unsure as to what to do right now. I have never been here before. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

God says to write. So here I go. Step one: admit you are powerless. God, this whole thing is so brand new to me. I don't know what I am doing. Step two: believe God can restore you. Father only you can lead me where I need to go. Step three: turn it over to Him. So I give this to you. This abundance you have placed in my lap. I humbly give it back to you.

Help me Lord to follow where you lead.

Fireproof

"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it."

Since my house fire in '07, I have had many other "fires." In fact, I believe that my first fire was training for the next fires that came.

I had lived at my home for about 5 years without insurance. I finally did it, and I am not saying that it was the insurance that caused the fire, but I am saying that it was God that got on my butt to get the insurance.

My mom had always been my insurance policy. She died and I had to find other ways to do things. I didn't have her to rely on anymore, I had to be an adult. I got married, I got insurance for the condo.

The night of the fire, I got down on my knees, crying. "Why God? Why now? The first thing Job did was praise you, but I don't know how to..." and with that, I realized that I indeed WAS praising God.

Praising God is not saying "things are okay God, I'm fine, thanks." Praising God is being open and honest with Him, going to God with your deepest feelings and needs. Praising God is choosing HIM first. Praising God is seeking His heart.

I have realized that this world is fallen, and God doesn't cause everything that happens in this world. But what he does do, it take it and use it for good.

Everything was happening it seemed all at once, and if I wasn't part of a church family, I don't know where I would be. In fact, its all still happening. Life happens, life goes on. But what I love about my church family is that they love me, pray for me, support me, guide me, call me out, and hug me. They are Jesus in the flesh to me.

In the Bible, you read about "The Refiner's Fire" in which silver is placed so that all of its impurities are burned out of it, so that it shines brightly and reflects the face of the refiner. I think that THAT is what being fireproof is, burning out the impurities in your life. That is what God does, he gets rid of the sin in your life, making you more the way he intended. Leading you into a life that is truly life.

As hard as it is, being put in the fire, I love coming out. Don't stop refining me Lord!

It only gets worse before it gets better -- you are not alone

I find that when I am really challenged, and I am set to win, I find the most opposition.

You see I truly believe, I truly know that I am set to come out on top. As a Christ-follower, I know that God uses things others intend for evil for good. (Genesis 50:20) Joseph had to be a prisoner of the Pharaoh before he became second in charge. I know that God causes all things to work for good for those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). I know that I will have to endure many trials for a little while, but it will be followed by great joy (1 Peter 1:6).

I know that trials develop endurance, endurance develops character, and character develops hope. I know this hope does not disappoint. (Romans 5: 3-5)

I can go and quote scripture after scripture about why I should hang on. I can sing "Rescue is coming..."by David Crowder and "Hold Fast" by Mercy Me and know God is talking to me. Why? Why can I do that? Isn't it hard?

Yes, it is hard. But, I know this... every single time I have put myself in the hands of the Lord, he has NEVER disappointed. He never lets me down. How can I? Because the Lord is God, not a mere human, he is so much above us that we can't even grasp. He never changes. He never lets go, even when I do.

And being broken, going through the hard stuff, only makes it easier for me to lean on God, because in the words of Simon Peter "Lord, to whom shall we go, you have the words of eternal life." (John 6: 68) Men and women are just mere humans, made from dust, yet God created us, certainly he cares for us (eg: Matt 10:29-31).

One of the many ways He cares for us is through community. I have so many people who love me and care for me. And even though I know the Lord is always with me, it helps to know that so many people care as well. These friends help me to stay standing when it all seems impossible. They keep my eyes focused on the Lord when they dart elsewhere. They can "be Jesus" to me through their actions and heart.

So, yes, its gonna get worse, I know that... but I can confidently stand with God on my side and many friends to hold me up.

Coming out of hiding...

I have to admit, I have been in hiding. I got sick, and cold weather keeps me bottled up inside. I have no money, no groceries, and spent way too much time in bed. I have been letting depression win. Why? I hate that part of me, I hate laying in bed and staying isolated. I love people, I love my people. I miss them.

I have to say thanks to my soul sista JJ for slapping me across the face, but she didn't know it. Read her whole post here. This is what I am cutting and pasting for you:

Life is meant to be lived...

it is not meant to hide from what you may be afraid of, or who may hurt you.

To live is to feel the fear and do it anyway. To live is to feel the hurt, and love them anyway.

To live is to enjoy what comforts your fort may bring you, but to be strong and courageous when the time comes to tear it down... and leave your hiding place behind.

We weren't meant to hide forever.




The world is waiting...


make your move.

Here I am. I can't hide in my fort forever!

Friends and fulfillment

This is the time of year for new friends and old. The time when magic seems to be in the air to those who are open to the possibility.

I have a friend that I read her blog, we have had only a few conversations, have never hung out, yet for some reason we have a deep love for each other. I made the leap and introduced myself to her a while back, and we have exchanged a few emails. Our hearts are similar. I think we have an understanding that goes beyond basic things. That is the awesomeness of being a part of something bigger than you. That is the awesomeness of being in the body of Christ.

I have a friend that I just met about 3 months ago. By just being me, I have put into her enough that she has called me her role-model. I don't say this to boast, I say this to boast in Christ in me. You see, I am a shy person, and pretty selfish. It's God who makes me reach out and care. She told me she loves me, and it took me a while to accept it. But she said it when I needed it. Today, when she saw me, she cried. She cried because she knew the good news and just got a chance to congratulate me.

I have a friend that I grew up with. She was practically my sister. I used to think that I don't have friends that I grew up with, but I was excluding family. You see, this friend is my cousin. Her and I also have an understanding deeper than words, and its been neat as she has moved away and gotten married just how much our relationship has grown. She has been more encouraging to me by simple email and messages than she knows. I can't wait to see her for Christmas.

I have another friend that is old enough to be my mom. She is more like my role model, it was another woman that I introduced myself to and told her that I thought she was beautiful. She has since poured herself and her heart into me, and it has meant more to me to have someone to look up to, and get feedback, both positive and negative, that I need. Yet I never feel bad about it, she doesn't ever put me down. She has always believed in me.

Probably one of the most endearing friendships is my aunt. I get a bit of satisfaction when looking for a mom, yet she treats me like an adult, something my mom never really did. I can't really describe it, yet she blows my mind every time. And it has been amazing watching her grow and develop. She is very, very, dear to me, more like an older sister than an aunt.

Then there is this friend that is my sister, by blood and faith. There was a period in my life that we did not get along, and I wanted something from her that she could not give me. Things changed. Mom got sick, or sicker, and Megan came down. Something happened in the pain, I grew to know her, I grew to know my mom more, I grew to know Christ. And a relationship was healed. My sister is so dear to me, and I truly enjoy talking with her, praying with her, praying for her. When we get together, its as if no time has passed. I am so proud of her. She has been an inspiration to me. And though we don't always agree on everything, we love each other for our differences. She is awesome, and I can't wait to see what she is going to accomplish.

I also have this one friend, Shelley. You see, I think we became friends because we have the same name, spelled the same way. I haven't seen her in forever until last night. Yet we keep up with each other in an odd sort of way. And watching her grow up is amazing. She is turning into such a fine young woman.

Facebook may seem like stalking sometimes, but I like to check in on my friends. I like to read their blogs, find out what is going on in their lives. I work when most people are home, its hard for me to "hang out." I have also been able to make more friends because I just talk to them online. Its kind of weird.

Three friends I haven't met in person that I enjoy I met by following links and clicks. One is out in Kentucky and involved with the Crossings church (its a New Thing church.) He sent me a t-shirt once because I wanted one. I wore it, photographed it, and blogged it. I think I started following his blog as a link off of someone else's that I don't read anymore, but I can't remember. I hope to visit him and his family with my family one day (and of course visit Crossings.) The other is a lady I met by looking at friends of friends on Twitter. Then you follow their links and find blogs. Then you read the blog, identify, and send a message. BAM, suddenly you are friends on twitter and facebook. We will meet one day soon. The last is a lady out east that works her buns off. She is a delightful writer and photographer, and I truly look forward to her blogs. We have prayed for each other often. One day, I hope to make it out there, but you never know.

One of my best friends I met because she was my mom's friends daughter. We both loved reading and Anne of Green Gables and found out we were born 6 months apart. Suddenly we were kindred spirits and making oaths to be friends "as long as the sun and the moon shall endure." We have been pen-pals for years, until the advent of email. I can count the times I have actually been with her on my hands. She showed up for my wedding, and was probably the best non-bridesmaid bridesmaid a woman could want. The wedding would not have been the same without you girl! She now has a baby boy, and I can't wait to visit her again soon. I know no matter how many years go by, we will always be endeared to each other.

If I didn't mention you, don't take it personally. These are just a few leaves on my friendship tree. Kind of odd stories that my heart chose to share today. There are a ton of other people on my heart right now, some even I don't even know where they live anymore. Know this, I love you dearly and wish the best for you.

I am just so thankfull for all of my friends, old and new, far and near. Sometimes you just need to remember them, and this is one of those times. It fills my soul.

I also have to thank Epic Theatre Company for putting on Let It Be Christmas. It touched my soul in deep, deep places. It reminded me of a time when I had a dream, that "all you need is love." Only to find out that I still have that dream. My mom was cheering you on from heaven!

And cheesy as it is, thanks to Jesus for being my friend.

How a week disappears

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: 0
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4


So the whole week I did nothing. Good.
Not so much.

I didn't do a thing.

I didn't exercise, I didn't watch my food.

I didn't journal at all. I didn't connect.

Someone told me they look up to me this week and I felt guilty.

And the sermon on the Holy Spirit just made me think more... about being in a relationship, walking with the Spirit. And I wanted it back.

God, I am not strong enough to do this on my own. Be with me, help me. I know you will, your Word says so. Help me to look to you, to walk with you.

You are constantly moving. What happens when I stand still. What happens when I don't move with you. I miss out.

You have something for me bigger than I can imagine. Help me to stop being a caterpillar. Help me to spread my wings and fly.

When I had just about given up...

Saturday was near disastrous for me. I was scared, I had looked at my future and took no consideration to my past. In other words, I was trying to plan ahead of God. All too often I tend to put the cart before the horse. Here I go, acting like Peter, I took my eyes off my Jesus and noticed the storm... and nearly drown.

I cried all the way to church. Dave was already there, and of course I was running late. Too late for the first service. Wearing my sunglasses and trying to ignore the people who wanted to greet me with love, I ran upstairs to the prayer room. I got down on my knees, burying myself into the soft cushion of the chair and cried, I cried hard. I cried out to God. I prayed, sat down on the floor to journal, pulling out a framed verse of scripture for inspiration. Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Then the Bible called to me. I looked where it was open to... Acts, no, not where God wants me to read. I looked at the two ribbon places. Somehow I ended up in Exodus, even though I have been reading it at home, it called to me here. 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

I gained peace and headed downstairs. Lots of people were there who wanted to say hi to me, who love me. Its all still quite fuzzy, but I remember moments of clarity. Pearl and Gigi, and then Shawn. Scott and Rich, Preston all needed to say hi. I got myself a frozen hot chocolate, and ended up having a conversation with Eric in front of the fireplace. I keep forgetting how he baptized me, and how we are quite similar. Every time we talk, I get a nugget of wisdom from him, confirmation of the Lord's word. He doesn't know me very well, but he knows my passion for leadership, and it helped us connect.

Service lets out, and there are tons of people to meet and greet. Robin came and told me how she reads my blog, and she loves it. It felt so awesome to know. I also remembered how far back her and I had gone, and how far both of us had come in that moment. How proud I am of her, and glad we still run into each other every once and a while. Her smile and hug and words were precious to me. Mike and Kimberly prayed with me, and it rocked.

I waited in anxious anticipation for Troy and Janet to be free. You see, they were up visiting from KC, and I have been following and supporting their church plant. I forgot I was actually wearing the Restore t-shirt under my hoodie. I was crying in happiness and sadness, trying to hold back tears, waiting to tell them how proud of them I was. Janet had words for me that made me remember why I do love her so much, she is a woman so close to God's heart, and oh how it blesses me.

I went into service, and saw Kathy, she is another awesome woman. Beth came and sat by me. I was surrounded by love, and then Shawn Williams came up and talked about Jesus. The service was written just for me. The moments of worship were just for me. I cried during Hosanna, (Lord save us we pray, I need a savior. Thanks to Bublitz for being a great leader and to Carrie for having the voice of an angel.) I can't help it if David Crowder songs always get me, but they do because they get me. They go deep into me with their words and intelligence and meaning. from wherever spring arrives, to heal the ground. from wherever searching comes the look itself, a taste of what we're looking for, so be quiet now, and wait. I left service with peace in my heart.

Dave told me later that he had TJ checking on me from his eye in the sky position. How romantic. We had a great evening downtown Naperville, good date night. You don't need details, except Ted's Montana Grill is a great place to get us a gift certificate if you need to know that.

Sunday we slept in. I woke up with sunshine and joy in my heart. Small group rocked, then we headed to the box to CONTRIBUTE by doing what I call "last impressions," tearing down the gym. It felt good to serve, I pumped up the iPod, danced and worshiped while stacking chairs. You should try it, really it's fun. Ask Dave, he's on the set-up/tear-down committee, he can hook you up. We went to dinner and then thanks to Dock, a haunted house. (www.hotelmassacre.com if you like those sort of things)

Today I was not going to post my weigh in. I was just going to say fu-git-a-but-it. Then I open my e-mail.

Hi Shelley!

Thought I'd get a VERY early jump on things this week. No change in my weight, but I guess that's a really good thing considering we had a tailgate this weekend! Of course, I still have a bit of that sinus cold which is making me not so hungry, but also preventing me from working out. So here's the stats:

Last week: 157lbs.
This week: 157 lbs.
Total weight lost: 36 lbs.

I'm making a mini goal at 153 lbs, for a total of 40 lbs lost. If I maintain at that, I'll be pretty happy. If I lose a little more (say 10 pounds more), hooray for me and I'll be the same weight I was in high school. But, for now, I'm happy fitting in the same pants/dress size!

Hope your week was at least as good as mine, if not better! Keep it up! I know you have A LOT of other things going on and it's hard to think about yourself. BUT, you can't possibly be happy with the world around you, if you are not taking care of yourself, so keep that in mind. Be good to your body and mind :) Remember, working out relieves stress too, so it's a good reason to go to the gym!

Love,
Tammy

That is when I realized that I am not supposed to give up. Nothing, nothing at all. God hasn't given up, my friends and family have not given up, so why should I? I should not give up on anything. Not the littlest thing. So I screwed up, so I doubted myself, my God, my cause, my ability...

Today I woke up, started walking to the bathroom and tripped on my pajama pants. I fell into the wall and sink. I got up, I iced my shoulder, picked up the stuff I knocked off the corner, and went on. I have a sore shoulder, and a broken plastic cup (I don't know how that happened) but I am okay. I got up and did my thing. I was clutzy, I fell, but I got back up again.

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: +1.9
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4

Realistic goal: get to the gym twice this week. That's it. Step by step, one day at a time.
The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm

Pharaoh, LET MY PEOPLE GO!

I feel too close to the story of Moses right now. Not the part where he was a baby in a basket on the Nile, or the part where he goes up a mountain and talks to God for the 10 commandments. No, I feel close to the in-between Moses. The Moses that God tells to go to Pharaoh and ask to let Israel leave town to worship.

Much like Moses, I don't want to do this. I really don't feel up to the task. I am not equipped for the job. I have no money, little skill, and Pharaoh scares me.

Yet God keeps telling Moses "don't worry, I am with you." So Moses proceeds. Then Pharaoh gets pissed, and Moses gets yelled at, but still God insists this is going to work out. God tells Moses he has hardened Pharaoh's heart, and that he should keep going to Pharaoh and asking him "Pharaoh, let my people go!" (You have to ask me to do the cheesy voice, its funny.)

Time after time, plague after plague hits Pharaoh and his heart is hardened. How many times must Moses keep this up, how much can Moses endure? How does Moses find the strength to do this?

God, be with me. I AM, be with me. Yahweh, be with me. Help me Lord, give me strength and courage. I know you are, but I really don't know if I am as strong as Moses. Lord please help me to endure. I am begging you on my knees Father God.

Maybe I am not standing before Pharaoh. Maybe I don't have to endure 10 plagues. It sure feels like it. I feel more like I am trapped between the Egyptian army and the Reed Sea, waiting for God to tell me to raise my staff and part the waters, for I see no other way out.

We need a miracle God.

God grant me the SERENITY

I loved this prayer, even though I have avoided it for the longest time because it was a prayer for alcoholics, or so I thought. This prayer was not written for AA. Hmph. I did not know that. Now, of course, I have a completely different point of view on recovery, being a recovery leader.

Most people think that recovery is for drunks or addicts. You know, the guy on the street with a beard down to his belly and plastic bags over his shoes. Or that lady who comes into the grocery store to walk out with a cart full of wine... but not for me. Yeah, yeah yeah, nothing is ever for me. Things don't happen to me, they certainly don't happen in my neighborhood, and definitely not at my church or within my family. Yeah, right. Keep on living in denial.

Recovery is for people who are going through life and are having a rough time. The rough time could be a divorce, a death, sending your kids to college, getting married, moving, retiring, dealing with an illness (physical or mental), changes in the workplace, financial difficulties. Recovery is for anyone alive who is willing to make life better.

Me, I entered "recovery" when my depression worsened with my mother's terminal illness and death. I realized that I could not go through life alone, I was having a hard time making good, honest friends, and needed a place to go. (I realized I was powerless.)

I went to Celebrate the Journey. It wasn't easy. In fact, I left the first few times. But for some reason I kept coming back. Then I got more and more involved as my life started to change, and the ache started to go away. (Service speeds recovery.)

I am not saying I have it all together, I am not saying I still don't have aches. What I am saying is.... heck I need recovery more than ever. The deeper I dig into my hurts, the more I need support, the more I need accountability.

Because change is hard. It is so much easier to slip into my old habits than to change. Take my weigh in for example. Yes, it was a holiday, yes, I was out of town.... excuses excuses excuses.
Join us at Celebrate the Journey as we discuss the Serenity Prayer... Join me as I pray daily for serenity.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

If I surrender to His Will;

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him

Forever and ever in the next.

Support me in my first 5K (walk)

I would like to ask if you wouldn't mind sponsoring me in my first 5K. It is a walk, I am not planning on running until the spring, I might try some jogging, but I haven't been training to run yet.

This benefits NAMI of DuPage which is an organization that helps with support, advocacy and education in order to improve the lives of individuals with mental illness and their families.

I am walking to help fight the stigma of mental illness.

I myself am treated for chronic depression, and I have and know many friends who have also been diagnosed with several different mental illnesses. So often people with mental illness are treated differently than people with physical illness. I am a case where I can definitely say that there IS HOPE!

If you would like to help support me and NAMI please do so before September 6th.

Make all checks payable to NAMI of DuPage County. Please ask your employer if they have a matching gift program as well.

You can email me, and I can send you my address if you do not have it, or give me the check in person. I will turn all of the donations in myself.

If you would like to read about the run/walk, you can do so by clicking here to view the PDF of the brochure.

If you would like to join me, let me know.

Thanks and God Bless!