A Hawk to hang on to

A Red tailed hawk came to visit me the other day.  

Things haven't been going the way I want recently, but they still have been going, and I have never been in need.  I ended up spending more than I had over the weekend.  Good news, because it was a holiday weekend, some of it didn't post yet and I ended up with a check that covered it, written out of my bank, so the funds transferred immediately!  I was pulling out of the bank drive thru when a hawk came and landed in the parking lot right next to me.  Now, this is less than 10 feet away, and its the closest I have ever been to a hawk without bars between us.  I felt brave and stared into its eyes, and it stared back.

Now perhaps I need to go back a bit and explain what birds mean to me.  They didn't used to mean much, but one day I was feeling pretty down, and I was praying to God, asking him, begging him to show me that he loved me, something to let me know he cared.  Then, at a busy corner in broad daylight, an owl landed right as I approached to turn left.  Now, first of all the chances of any bird landing right on the curb of a busy corner are slim, but an owl in bright daylight?  Almost impossible.  I knew it had to be God.  Ever since, when I needed reassurance, and bird would appear at just the right time and remind me.  God is watching, God loves me, God is in control.

Fast forward back to Tuesday and the crazy stress in my life.  The hawk stared back at me, as if to say "pay attention now, I am here, and I know you see me."  The hawk then proceeded to stretch out its wings and its tail.  It wasn't a quick flap, but a full and wide stretch, showing me its beauty, its strength, its glory.  God spoke to my heart: I am here, I am close, I am watching you.  I am strong, I am stretching my wings of protection over you, you are safe.  I love you.

Now I don't hear an audible voice when I hear from God.  Its just like that inside voice that you hear when you are talking to yourself, like an inner knowing.  

When I got home, I got some hard news. I bawled like a baby.  I didn't want to go on anymore to be honest.  But I remembered that Hawk, and I knew that God was in control and it was going to be okay.  It was if He came to tell me that I am going to be hitting a rough patch in my life, and its going to be hard BUT He will be with me and I will be okay.

I feel like a fool for needing the reminding, but God knows me, and that's okay with him.  

Your Love Never Fails (Jesus Culture)

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

Hanging on the bottom rung

I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker.  She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down.  For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.

I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for.  I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this.  I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself.  He was the only good thing left in me.  I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God.  The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears.  Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.

Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again.  I devoured the text.  Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives.  I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked.  Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.

He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will.  God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own.  "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24  God destroys everything you put before him.  He warned me he would.  He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him.  I was in denial, oh I denied it.  I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry.  At last I was just empty.  Nothing.  Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.

I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears.  Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing.  She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us.  She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found.  Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation.  We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation.  We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64)  I understood that, I was there.


Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:

"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom.  The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year.  I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed.  With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating.  I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it.  Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong.  It is the nature of the beast."  pp 64-65

I was not alone.  I was not alone in my pain.  Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.

There is HOPE.  She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom.  I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung.  Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God.  I wasn't so lucky.  God had to get me fired.  He knew I would never leave.

I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots.  The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon.  What was next for them, they did not know.  Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)

I am in this tunnel of chaos.  But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.

Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book.  I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you.  Thank you for being my muse Jen.  Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will.  God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.

The cost of being a disciple- already paid

Oswald Chambers tells me today that the work has already been done; "that the men and women He is going to use in His mighty building enterprises are those in whom He has done everything...Our Lord implies that the only men and women He will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately and devotedly beyond any of the closest ties on earth."

See Luke 14:25-35.

I will admit it, I am not the best at picking up my cross daily.  Sometimes, I like to wield that cross as a weapon, sometimes I bury it, and sometimes I wear it like a badge.

But you see, I know that God has already counted the cost.  He knew that I would mess up, heck the whole Bible is filled with stories of people messing up and God coming to the rescue.  Jesus is the ultimate rescue, the ultimate answer, the cost that has already been paid.

And its out of remembering this- remembering Jesus- that I am able to "pick up my cross" and follow Him.  You see, I am not tasty salt without Jesus.  I can't do the work, Jesus already did it, He counted the cost and followed all the way through.  I could not do that, so without Jesus, I would be thrown on the manure pile.  True dat. 

Jesus requires the work we do involves loving him, having a relationship with him, understanding that HE ALREADY DID THE WORK, IS ALREADY DOING THE WORK, AND ALREADY IS GOING TO DO THE WORK.  The term for this is "provenience." 

I get overwhelmed often, really sometimes I wonder how I can handle it all.  Picking up my cross for me is going to be trusting and understanding that the bill has already been paid, the work has already been done.  This helps me to love Him more and be less selfish, this makes me salty.  This takes me one step off the manure pile.

Jesus thank you for doing all the work, you are my rock.  Help me stay anchored to you always, no matter how strong the winds may blow.

Not what I planned

This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.

It started Monday.  I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school.  Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45.  I was supposed to meet a friend at 10.  Instead, that happened at 11.  Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch.  I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox.  We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it.  They said it would take 2-3 days.  As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results.  That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off.  BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. 

I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment.  That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight.  Which NEVER happens.  It was good.

Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week.  I think we both needed it.  He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it.  My love for him goes deeper than words.  I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before.  I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before.  It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be.  I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid.  I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.

Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son.  A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet.  I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready.  And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this.  But I did.  Because you see, I didn't plan this.  God did.  Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy.  Call me crazy, but I did.  And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child.  So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now.  I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was. 

Often I wonder what she would say, my mom.  But to tell you the truth, I already know.  I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her.  I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid.  Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat.  I can't help it, her spirit lives on.  The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it.  Its okay.  I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy.  Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley.  I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.

I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy.  I mean, I guess I did.  I didn't think it would be this easy.  I didn't think that he would love me so much already.  He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life.  Despite all the pain.  Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things.  I would go through it all again for him. 

Which is why I understand how much God loves me.  How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him.  I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain.  Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know.  Its lying that I hate.  He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart?  Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of?  So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie.  I don't like to lie.  I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.

Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes?  Maybe its just because he doesn't know how.  It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being.  At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.

God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it.  I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path.  I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best.  I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next.  All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still.  I am trying Lord.  I am trying.

The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind

Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?

I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th.  Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here. 

I left for work, got there early and ready to roll.  They didn't have the same idea.  Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2.  My heart was broken.  I was in a whirlwind.  I am in a whirlwind.

Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches. 

I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair. 

I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care.  If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients.  Sometimes I care too much.  One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over.  I bought her a card and a stuffed animal.  I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her.  Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering.  Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother.  I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage.  This hit the core of who I was.  Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks.  Patients are the reason I do what I do.  Or shall I say did what I did...

So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death.  I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good.  And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides. 

A sword has pierced my very soul.  Do I give up on this career?  Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist?  Do I bag groceries?  What will I do?  All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life. 

Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him.  He knows rejection.  He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him.  He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back.  He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk. 

God is still with me.  I must believe that.  I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM!  I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better.  Right now that is my focus.  God, family, friends.  I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week.  I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am. 

Lord, be with me.  Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear.  Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus.  Amen.

He-Man and the Holy Spirit

2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (English Standard Version)

God of All Comfort

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. ¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

I have really been pondering a few words over the last couple years. They are synonym pairs. Meaning they sound alike but have different meanings. Wholly and Holy is one pair. Rain and Reign is another. In my journal I wrote out (after reading the above passage) that God uses rain in your life so that he can reign your life. You must become wholly God's before you can become holy. It has to rain before you give yourself wholly, and He must reign before you become holy.

Did I just confuse you? How does that make you feel? Do you agree or disagree?

Lately the sin of pride has taken over my life. If you ask anyone that knows me they will likely say I am not a prideful person. See, but I have stopped reaching out and asking for help. I still find it hard. I even thought I needed to handle some stuff on my own that no human can handle. I needed to surrender to the cross, but my pride wouldn't let me. I so wanted to fix it on my own. Or, I wanted my husband to fix it. Or I wanted someone else to fix it. Not God. He was too busy, and we need to do our work.

Oye, Shelley don't you remember that it is by grace we have been saved through faith, not by works so that none may boast?

I need to let that grace rain down into my life. I need to let that grace reign my life. (Todd Agnew in my head) I need to let Jesus reign my life. I surrender ALL. I desire to be wholly yours God. (David Crowder now runs in that space... I am holy, holy, wholly yours)

Why do I keep trying to grab the reigns back from God. Why can't I just let go and let Jesus take the wheel? (Carrie Underwood running in my head now) What is stopping me? Pride. (silence.)

Seriously God, I need you right now more than ever. Now and again I seem to forget that I am only dust. Now and again I seem to think I have the power, when in reality I am powerless. In reality, I am a dweeb like prince Eric and it is only by the power of your Holy Spirit that I can become He-Man (not the power of Greyskull.) You are the only one who can give me this strength. (don't tell me you are putting a sword above your head saying "by the power of Jesus!" in your head right now, because I am and that is just too funny.) I am trying to be serious. I am serious. I need you.

I need you Jesus
to come to my rescue
where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved
capture me with grace
and I will follow you...

this world has nothing for me...

Catching up on the things in my head

I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.

Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.

I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.

As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.

Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.

I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.

I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.

Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.

I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.

I wrote this Sunday night...

Its after 2am and I am still awake.
Today was phenomenal. My heart just trembled as I swept my eyes up and down the hill. "Wow, this is unbelievable!" I believe it was just a glimpse of a sliver of heaven.

Shortly after I started coming to CCC, there was an all campus picnic. I hardly knew anyone, and spotted the pastors to keep entertained.

My how times have changed...

Today I didn't go a moment without seeing people I knew, and I lost count of how many meaningful hugs I imparted to dear friends. Sometimes all I could do was wave hello as they passed by.

Talk about IMPACT...

I was a lonely soul looking for significance and meaning in my life. Through COMMUNITY I have been able to connect to tons of people, celebrate my life instead of wallow in depression, and contribute to helping other people find their way back to God. I have found great love from God and can't help but want others to know the change, the resurrection life he has given to me is available to them as well

As I think and pray about what's next for me and my family, I can't help but to praise God for Community Christian Church and the impact it has had on my life. . Its people have become my extended family that has supported me and my family through some of the roughest years of our lives. I have learned and grown so much, I often find myself amazed!

I hope that I am able to pass on the great love that COMMUNITY has and continues to show me.

What God is speaking to me right now

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you
Now you got someone to blame

You say
One love
One life
When its one need
In the night
Its one love
We get to share it
It leaves you baby
If you dont care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well its too late
Tonight
To drag tha past out
Into the light
We're one
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come tor raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now its all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I cant be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should

One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers

One life
But we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other

One

One.

Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

Putting the cart before the horse

That's me. Classic me. Me when I don't let Jesus drive. You see, I get so ahead of myself, I don't realize why I am not going anywhere. See, Jesus or the Holy Spirit, is the horse. In order for me to really get moving, to really go anywhere, I have to get over myself and put that cart behind the horse. Be nice to the horse, feed it, water it, get to know it, and before you know it, that horse is helping me get wherever it is I need to go, through the mountains if need be.

So here I am, stepping down from the front of the cart. I need to re-arrange how I have it all hooked up, you see I got it backwards.

No one ever taught me how to hook up the cart the right way. I have been doing this all on my own, or under bad influences my whole life. Here I am feeling like an idiot for getting stuck in the mud. Here I am trying to hide under the cart- strike that- coming up from hiding under the cart.

Help me. I can't hook this up alone. I don't know how. I feel so backwards, lost and left behind in this mud. I feel like I can't ever get out and I need help. Help me. Show me how this crazy cart thing works.

Help me. I am buried in debt. I put the wrong things in front of my God, and now I am stuck. I have used this method to get me where I need to go, only to find that that silly horse was pushing me the whole time and now I am covered in mud and I can't ever get out of this mess without help. Maybe I just need to - no - see I got this all messed up. All the tears I cry will never ever clean up all of this mud. WAIT!!!

Jesus, time and time again you pull me out of this pit I seem to get myself into. Time and time again you wash me clean. I know you won't ever stop, but every time I let myself get into a pit, it seems to be deeper and muddier. But its not. I just was never so clean before, that any mud is just so much more noticeable. Really the mud wants me to think that it will be harder to remove, but it isn't.

See, once I was familiar with the mud, but every time Jesus washes me clean, I forget it. And for some reason this mud sneaks back on me, perhaps because of my cart arrangement.

Well, lets see what happens now, because I am throwing my hands up in the air to the Maker. I am letting go of all I ever knew to see if maybe He can sort out this mess.

Prayer Answered

Yesterday morning, I prayed that God would show me something new in the Bible for that day. I felt like I had read Luke a million times, so I needed to pay attention, and I really wanted to apply something new.

So Jesus sends out the 12 for missions and he tells them to settle in one house and work out of there. He didn't want the missionaries bouncing from house to house seeing who would be the best hosts, he just wanted them to focus on their mission.

SMACK! I need to quit dreaming of a bigger house and how that will happen and use the place (2 bedroom 1 bath condo) I have now to do the ministry I am called to do. God placed me here for a reason.

God told me that it is not about how big the house is, but how big the love is in the house.

Storytime

I had a great Memorial Day weekend, very memorable.

We took Jeramy out to his grandparents, and relaxed with fishing, boating, and just plain hanging out. Jeramy loved it.

He insisted that he was NOT sleeping on the couch, so we invited him to sleep with us, despite the bed being a very small full size antique bed. So, Jeramy, Dave, myself, and the dog all cuddled into bed. It was fine until Jeramy moved in his sleep and the dog barked at him, waking us all up. Then he ended up upside down and kicked me in the head. He eventually moved out to the living room and slept on the floor. But it was nice, because we were all together as a family.

I have noticed Jeramy using the term family a lot more. When referring to us. I know he likes being a a part of a family. He also is enjoying church, and honestly the kid never wants to leave. Its almost easier to get him to the dentist (okay, not that hard, but still!)

I really wasn't expecting him to grow too close to me, so I backed off. There is so many reasons, but I won't go into that here.

Every night his dad reads him a story. Tonight I picked out the book (Gross stuff fact book) and the first subject was barf, I excused myself because I can't stand barf. Well, after that section, Jeramy invited me back in the room. He said they were done with barf and I could come in. So I laid at the foot of his twin mattress and listened to Dave read about snot, urine, feces, and farts. (Jeramy's favorite was farts, although it was the most boring chapter.) The three of us crammed on a little twin mattress reading about farts. This is awesome. Thanks God. He even rubbed my leg with his foot. Neat.

Well, he still didn't want to fall asleep so I suggested we pray, because when Dad and I need to calm down we pray together. So I led a prayer thanking God for all the awesome things and experiences we have had. We prayed for our family, including extended. I thanked God for Jeramy because he is so awesome and fun. I just can't stop thanking God. It was great, even if Jay hung his head over the edge of the bed the whole time.

Sure enough, that was good. I hugged and kissed him good night and he didn't even flinch like he used to (cuz I was a girl who had cooties, even though he was immune to cooties.) It means he is opening himself to my love, and actually really enjoying it.

I am so happy that he wanted to fart on me yesterday! Call me silly, but it means a lot. I love this little boy like my very own and it means the world to me that he wanted me there to share his storytime.

God, you are so good and faithful. Don't give up hope, when the time is right, God comes through.

Season to write

In this new life, I always want to be moving forward. I don't want to be overcome, but I think one of the ways that God has provided for me is that I can write. Writing helps me to wrap my head around my feelings. The things that swarm my brain and my heart.

To everything there is a season, and with time off from leading a group, perhaps I need to take that time to write.

Okay, fine, God is calling me to write.

You see, I have this story to tell, and if I don't write it down, if I don't share what I know out of my obedient overflow, many will miss out.

God previously called me to be silent, to be still and listen as He did the work.

In this season, He is causing me to sing "I will not be silent" (ala David Crowder Band) and to share what the Lord has done through me.

Today I was invited to sit in on my church's All Staff meeting, where we had a guest speaker. Anne Jackson (another Anne with an e-- love it!) wrote the book Mad Church Disease. She talked about how serving should come from an obedient overflow and that phrase stuck out to me. You see I feel that by grace I am swimming in this overflow, unsure as to what to do right now. I have never been here before. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go.

God says to write. So here I go. Step one: admit you are powerless. God, this whole thing is so brand new to me. I don't know what I am doing. Step two: believe God can restore you. Father only you can lead me where I need to go. Step three: turn it over to Him. So I give this to you. This abundance you have placed in my lap. I humbly give it back to you.

Help me Lord to follow where you lead.

An Esther invitation

I want things, I make plans.
My plans mean nothing if God is not behind them.

I know God called me for this one purpose.
I don't want to screw it up.
I don't want to go against his will.

You see, its just that my heart is set so heavily on a certain outcome, and I don't know what I would do if it did not end up that way.

I have to get over it now. I have to be ready for it all to happen, good, bad, and surprise.

God is going before me, of this I am sure.

I need to be still.

Esther prayed and fasted for 3 days before going before the king.

Will you join me? If you are interested in partaking a 3 day prayer and fast a'la Esther with me, please email me icanseerightthroughyou (at) gmail (dot) com or message me on Facebook.

If you need more details, they can be gotten the same way.

I will do this not for me, but because God has chosen me "for such a time as this" and I am honored. I do this for His glory. He has the situation under control no matter what I do, I just want to accept his invitation to be a part of something awesome.

It's not easy, but my it is good

It's time to tell my story...

again.

About one year ago, I wrote and gave my testimony at Celebrate the Journey.

I have a different story to tell now. A stronger story.

Pray for me to have the right words to say.

Know there is hope

I feel like I want to talk about my pain.

I need to share something deep so that others know there is hope.

You see, I have been operating on a very crazy principle: the Lord my God is good.

I believe the Bible is his word, the Truth.

I believe that we don't go through things because of him torturing us or testing us, but perhaps to strengthen us and bring us closer to him.

I lost a baby recently. My second one this year. They were both early during the term, but that does not make it any less painful.

See, being pregnant means that you are filled with expectations, as well as a child.

When you are told that the child did not survive, the balloon is popped, the expectations can never ever become reality.

David (King David, the one from the Bible) lost a child. His child was about a year old. He lost the child as a consequence to his sin of sleeping with Bathsheba while she was still married and then having Uriah killed to cover it up.

Did I lose my children as a consequence to my sin? I don't know. I don't know what sin I could have done to cause me to lose the child, it could be something from before I was saved, because while God gives us forgiveness, it doesn't mean we don't face the consequences of our actions. We don't know why these pregnancies did not work.

I do know that whatever happens in life, God uses it for good. Romans 8:28 and Genesis 50:20.

And I do also know that he is Lord. Job 2:20-21

Times in my life I have questioned God, it wasn't really God that I questioned, but I questioned myself, my faith in God. See, God exists, I know that to be true, for me, I have already hit that brick wall and busted through it. He is the one who doesn't change. No matter what I do, I cannot change God. Not me, see. I can change. I can decide to have faith or not to have faith.

I can use hindsight to get a clue into the many things that God intended from my suffering.

The very first instance would be when my mom got really sick and died... God had a plan, he healed our relationship, my relationship with my sister, gave me a friend I now call "sister" , brought my mother, myself, and a good friend very close to him.

Another incident would be when my condo caught on fire... This actually turned out to be such a turning point in my life for the positive. It was like God was telling us, "things are about to change like you would not believe" . I remember watching the firetrucks lights flashing saying why God, why? And I got down on my knees, and I said to God "Job praised you, and I know that is what I should do, but I can't, will you help me?" You know what, he did.

I could tell you how I trust God to provide, I can tell you how he has provided, and prove it. I can tell you a million things, but none of it will matter until you test it out yourself.

I dug roots, I dug them deep. And yeah, I tested God. But I kept my heart open to hear him answer.

So why the pregnancy if he takes it away? The pain of missing my baby is temporary, because we will be united in heaven. There will be other chances to try, this is not the end. And today, I was talking to my friend and realized just a sliver of why God might do just a thing as to let me become pregnant, but then not let the baby survive.

His timing blows my mind.

He blows my mind.

I heard somewhere once that when God takes something away from you, he is just getting you ready for something better. And I believe it, because I know this much is true. It takes a consistent, deep and meaningful relationship with my Creator, my Savior, my Lord. The only time I don't feel close to him is when I back away. He is always there, and always with me.

The King (David) and I

First, let me list all the Davids in my life. There is my husband, my husband's father David, David Crowder, Dave Ferguson, David Caruso (CSI Miami's Horatio Caine), my friend David, my uncle David, Dave who plays the drums, David the statue, David Bowie, David Copperfield, David Letterman, The Harry and David Store, David's Bridal, Dave Matthew's Band and David from middle school that I am now Facebook friends with (I have 6 Dave/Davids as friends on Facebook!)

The one that I am finally getting to know is a guy thats been dead for centuries. King David, as in David and Goliath, ancestor of Jesus of Nazareth, that guy. I am reading this awesome study that I got my David for Christmas.

The more I read about his life, the more I identify. Did you know that David basically wandered and hid in the hills and deserts from age 17 to age 30? Seriously, that is what my life felt like. Then at 30, he finally became king, but didnt govern the entire country of Isreal for over 7 years! Could you imagine knowing you were going to be king for that long and nothing happening?

Of course, I didn't really know that God had big plans for my life until I was 30. My life just started at 30. Of course, I was baptized, and started to actually follow Jesus then. Not just go to church at Christmas and talk about how I was going to heaven because I believed, but ACTUALLY persuing to get to know Him and become like Him! (So many people just do, they actually aren't even close to being.)

Then of course Community is doing a series called 2.0 right now, and my small group is studying what it means to actually claim your adoption by God. And it all goes together. Yet David keeps me intrigued. Why? David slew lions and bears (but not tigers, oh my) before he slew the giant. He saw Goliath as just a tall hot head. He trusted in God immensely. He was a man after God's own heart.

But David had his downfall, and God is speaking to me now... don't you mess this up he says.

David had an issue with lust. He had a lot of wives and concubines, and therefore a lot of children. And he was too busy playing king to play daddy. And his children suffered. They were not the best kids. In fact, one of his sons raped his half sister, another raped all of David's wives. And all David did was get mad. His kids were out of control. David had left his wives and concubines to kind of raise themselves, and they needed a strong man in their lives.

I pray now that God will not let me forsake my family. You see, he has told me how great the plans he has for me are. I don't know what they are, but they are going to be more than I ever expected. And God gently reminded me not to screw up. Go after my heart, he says, but don't forget my heart is for you to have a family as well.

And I never thought it possible, yet here I am. Well, its getting late and I want to read some more about David, and keep growing. I want to trust that God is there, working always in my life.

(by the way, I haven't been online much, but for you folks who follow me, know I am reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment, much lest post on my own, but I love you and will be delighting your blogs with comments when I get the chance-love xraychick)

You 2.0 Journal day 2

CCC gave out Big Idea Journals this weekend. Its awesome, because its just what I needed to get back in the habit again.

Today's reading is Romans 12:1-16.

The question for pondering is: Would the people I know describe me as someone who does church/Christianity as a hobby? Or, would that describe me as someone who tries to live like Jesus in all areas of my life?

I personally love the beginning, where it says to give your bodies as a living sacrifice. Not just your self, but your body. I love how more and more as I don't copy the behavior or customs of this world, but allow God to transform my mind, I do change. It is a transformation that has brought me deep joy and fulfillment. It makes me question why I ever had my back turned on God.

Then I remember how the world is so tempting, chocolate, credit cards, fast cars, hot men and women, beer and liquor, and fast food.

God my prayer is this, let me never take my eyes off of you and your truth, your promises. May I always seek you with all my heart, no matter where it may lead, because it is in doing that I find true joy.

So tell me, if you know me, leave an anonymous comment... is Christianity just a hobby, or is it who I am?

Then ask yourself, because I know where I stand with God. I truly wish that you would pursue Christ with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Turn yourself into a living sacrifice. Grateful that Jesus died, and rose again, defeating death, so that we may inherit the great Kingdom. Maybe you just need to get to know who this God is, and what it all means. Let me know, email me icanseerightthroughyou at g mail dot com.

I'm working on my bark

Yesterday my co-worker came in and told me I am looking great. What am I doing? Am I still on Weight Watchers, am I working out?

Nope, I haven't done a thing for like a month now. NOTHING! Please, all of you stop complimenting me when I feel super guilty about this. I do not deserve your praise.
My cousin Tammy has been helping me, by keeping me accountable, and loving and encouraging me no matter what. I wouldn't be this far without you girl! My sister was my initial inspiration, I don't even know how much weight she has lost, but man, oh man she is lookin' GOOD!

I can blame it on the season, the lack of sun, the increase in traveling and stress. But really, it comes down to me. I haven't been strong. I have given in to temptation. I have eaten past the point of being full just because something tastes good. I have kept eating chocolates even when I didn't need more because I wanted more. One would have been enough, okay maybe two. I have downed nearly half a pizza, I have eaten more than one dessert a week. I have fantasized about Coldstone. I have not been to the gym, despite setting realistic goals and thinking about it several times. I am a sinner in the worst way.

Why do I say this? Why am I a sinner? Because, I am being selfish. I am choosing what I want over what God wants. God wants what is good for me, I want what tastes good. Remind you of a certain fruit from a certain tree in a certain garden? Thanks a lot EVE!

I feel like crap, so I eat to comfort myself, but it just makes me feel crappier, so I eat more. Now I have yet to step on the scale, but I know I have gained weight. My pants are too tight. I am considering going back to my old jeans that I have yet to donate.

Please don't console me with how stressful my situation is and its okay. Because its not. See, my life has been a series of stress. Stress will always come, and if I don't stop the cycle, I will end up crying to Richard Simmons for help. I see the people who have the surgery, nothing really changes for them. They don't fix what it is on the inside. I was already told how to beat the system, and gain weight despite the surgery, so why would I have surgery? (By the way, its drinking milkshakes, which I love!) It won't change who I am.

I am a food addict. I have an addiction. I can't stop, I can't say no. Some can't quit drinking booze, some can't say no to sex, some can't quit snorting or shooting. I could easily be any of these people. And the American public is sadly getting more and more obese because its okay for us to eat what we want, we better eat it because there are starving children in Africa! The amount of over indulgence in this country is sickening. Not just with food, with everything, but that's a horse of an entirely different color.

Who can fix me? Only me, I have to make that decision. But I can't do it alone. I need God.

1. I admit, I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.
2. I believe that God can fix me, restore me to sanity
3. God, I hand myself over to you. Help me to change and be free of this addiction.
4. I need to look over and
5. give my moral inventory
6. because I am ready for Him to remove these defects of character
7. and I want to ask Him to do so

Guess what, I need to make an appointment to give my inventory.
I need to work the steps.
I stopped working them.
I stopped growing.
I turned away from God's will. (That is why I am a sinner)
I repent now. Help me God.

Here I go, let's weigh in:

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.5
This weeks loss/gain: 0.1
Total weight lost: 30.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.5

What?!! I cannot possibly have not gained only .1 pounds. My body feels horrible, my stomach is larger! God, you are doing something in me, and I see that. Help me to help you in the transformation of me. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Much

1. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Trouble (Caedemons Call) H.I. larious

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Closer (Jars of Clay) cool, its a song about getting closer to God...

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What I want (Daughtry)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sing to the Lord (Hillsong) this is getting creepy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Home (Daughtry) Yes! I'm going home!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful, Scandalous Night (Robbie Seay Band) also creepy accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Sovereign Hands (Hillsong United) God has those.

WHAT IS 2+2?
You Thought (Skillet) this is the most appropriate ever

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Blessed be your Name (Tree 63) oddly I think of this as his song

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Alive Forever, Amen! (Warren Barfield) Hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Conversation (David Crowder Band) oddly enough, I thought I deleted it because its a phone call, not a song.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Grace (Phil Wickham)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You are my hope (Skillet) have already determined the "person I like" is Jesus....

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stars (David Crowder Band) if you listen to this song, and know my self-appointed nickname as a kid was Starr... its getting eerie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
King of Glory (Josh Bates) enough said.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Song to the King (Pocket full of Rocks) AMEN!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where We Gonna Go From Here (Mat Kearney) Dave Ferguson would call this "What's Next?"

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Bow Down (Chris Tomlin) hey, that is not a bad secret, is it?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin) now how could they not be?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Arms of Love (Kutless) if that is the worse thing that could happen, falling into the arms of Jesus, I think I am set for life...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Everlasting God (Lincoln Brewster) strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord! So, I die waiting?

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Let Love In (Goo Goo Dolls) owning a song by the Goo Goo Dolls?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fuego de Dios (Fire Fall Down) ((Hillsong United)) yes, spanish cracks me up

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
If I have not Love (Matt Redmond) this is the most accurate meme ever!

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Praise Awaits You (Matt Redman) interesting, already married... so must be to Jesus.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Love the Lord (Lincoln Brewster) you know, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength....

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pure Light (Matt Redman) guess God does

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Uncreated One (Chris Tomlin) how do you change that?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Majesty (Matt Redman) this makes sense...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Much (Ten Shekel Shirt)