Not turning back

I am finally giving up an old friend.  Her name was Icanseerightthroughyou.  If I just baffled you, its because that was my screen name.  Back from the old Yahoo days of yore, and I dragged her into  googleland.  But alas, I have given her up for dead.  I am getting rid of the old email address bit by bit I am killing her off, and I am not turning back.

I decided to do that if I didn't get this job I interviewed for.

I had read that employers don't take you seriously with a weird email address.  Also, most folks thought that I was psychic or something.  Some even say "I love that song!" (never heard it).  I am also getting embarrassed when I have to tell others what it is.

Honestly, I will likely transfer to a Wordpress blog since Blogger won't let me transfer the sign in email account.  Be on the lookout for a feed change yet again my friends.

I have really changed in the past 5 years.  People I knew and hung out with 5 years ago don't really know me very well now.  But I am getting to know the real me more and more every day.  I don't have it all anywhere near figured out, but I sure know where I am going... and I am not turning back.

The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind

Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?

I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th.  Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here. 

I left for work, got there early and ready to roll.  They didn't have the same idea.  Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2.  My heart was broken.  I was in a whirlwind.  I am in a whirlwind.

Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches. 

I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair. 

I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care.  If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients.  Sometimes I care too much.  One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over.  I bought her a card and a stuffed animal.  I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her.  Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering.  Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother.  I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage.  This hit the core of who I was.  Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks.  Patients are the reason I do what I do.  Or shall I say did what I did...

So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death.  I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good.  And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides. 

A sword has pierced my very soul.  Do I give up on this career?  Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist?  Do I bag groceries?  What will I do?  All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life. 

Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him.  He knows rejection.  He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him.  He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back.  He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk. 

God is still with me.  I must believe that.  I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM!  I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better.  Right now that is my focus.  God, family, friends.  I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week.  I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am. 

Lord, be with me.  Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear.  Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus.  Amen.

Pain - are you ready?

I returned to my home today.  I went back to Celebrate the Journey.

You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month.  Something is going to break.  It was me, I wanted to cry.  I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.

To say it rocked was an understatement.  I walked in and was surrounded by people I love.  Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end.  Love, hugs and kisses.  Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another.  I was an event.  God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.

Which brings us to the title of this entry.  I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change.  The chapter was on forgiveness.  I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore.  It is funny how it is all foggy.

Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do.  That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-

Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people.  But it will to me.  The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that.  Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave.  It felt good.

Am I ready for pain?  I think so.  Now that I have the right focus.  Oddly enough, God sent me a book today.  Okay, God and Crossway publishers.  Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering.  Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it.  So I want to "review" it and post about it.  I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!

But I can't face pain alone.  I need my family.  I need my friends.  Are you in?  Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.

The One Way Plate: Ponderings on Jesus and scripture and me

 So, I am trying to get back into the habit of connecting with God and scripture on a daily basis.  One of the ways I will do this is by reading a handy dandy devotional I got at Goodwill.  "Praying with Jesus" by Eugene Peterson.  I like how its small and short, and while I never really got into devotionals that aren't down-right deep studies before, this one seems to fit my plate. 

For those of you who know me, you know that I have had a very full plate lately.  Very full.  So full in fact it kind of upset my psychiatrist, or at least that is what I saw.  I had been doing so well, and I was taking on too much.  So much so that I was losing control of my life.  Now  I have read somewhere that God is supposed to be the plate, not just something I put on the plate.  This is an attempt for me to remember the plate is still there underneath all the other stuff.  I want to gnaw on it all day, remember scripture as the plate gets hard to carry.

Some days I cannot even fathom to connect or understand what I read.  Its like I read the words, but they went in one eye and out the other, I just can't remember them.  Some days it hits me over the head again and again and again.  I want to connect so desperately to my God, my Creator and Sustainer.  Lord help me to always remember you.

today's verse to chew on:

John 16: 8 "And He, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment;"

Oh how too often the world tells us how things should be and who did what wrong and how.  Oh how I am always so very guilty in assuming I know what is right and judging people at first glance.  I am the secret psycho analyst, analyzing everyone and why they have the problems they do.  (Not that I know how to fix it other than lots of therapy with a professional, and possible pharmaceutical intervention.)

I need to be reminded daily that the world will be judged by the standard of God, and the only ones to excape the punishment are the ones that have Jesus taking on their sins.

No matter what you believe, I know this is true, one way statement: the only way to Heaven is through Christ Jesus, and I am not afraid to say it.  I am afraid that you might try to persecute me, but I will just have to deal.  Its not me you are persecuting, its my God, so whom shall I fear? 

Me, yes, I need to change my ways.  I am supposed to reflect Christ, and so I beg for help and forgiveness.  But I also know that since God is the plate, He is not just carrying my load, he is carrying me... I am on that plate.  I know that I need to stop trying to play waitress and just enjoy the feast.

There is so much in this world that needs love and yet thinks they are all alone, or that they are the plate.  And you know that just brings no answers, no hope.  But there is hope.  Never give up, never surrender... except to the Lord.

The Monkey and the Fish

So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.

Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

- An Eastern Parable

My heart heart still sinks reading this.

I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.

Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.

Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed

Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.

I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.

But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.

Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.

It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.

Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.

I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.

So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.

Commitment

The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.

Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.

What does it mean to make a commitment to God?

See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?

When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"

Sounds like I am being selfish.

God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.

So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?

By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.

Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.

What is so scary for me?

I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.

God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.

Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.

This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)

Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.

What are you gonna commit to?

Catching up on the things in my head

I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.

Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.

I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.

As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.

Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.

I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.

I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.

Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.

I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.

Emotionally Invested

Have you ever wondered why you feel so bummed out when something doesn't happen? Probably not, because you were really emotionally invested, hoping that it would. I remember taking the leap and asking this boy out, only to find out that he didn't even know who I was. Talk about a bad ROI on those emotions.

What happens when your long term emotional investment pans out?

For the whole entire time I have known Dave, about 6 years now, I have known about his son. For the past two we have been working on gaining custody. The whole while God has assured me it will happen.

And it has...

And I am lost. You see, I don't think I have ever truly been emotionally invested in something that has ever really truly come out as awesome as this. Yes, there are difficulties with changes, but that is normal for having any child.

I know I am supposed to be happy. Yet I feel, have felt, locked. This sense of dread has come over me. You see, I just don't know how to deal with this success.

Or maybe its the bills that still need to be paid, oh how I hate money right now.

Or this sense that this is only the beginning, and God is going to keep using me, and for greater things at that, and am I ready for that? I am not worthy! Oh to wrestle with self-worth again. And weight, I have gained weight! Stress = food. Munching on Wheat Thins as I type! I love the crunch! (I should email willy wonka and ask for some calorie free crunch gum.)

Oh woe is me!

Mark Batterson wrote on his blog about nerves. "...it keeps us on our knees in raw dependence upon God." "At times, I don't feel like I'm ready or I'm qualified for the opportunity the Lord presents. It seems bigger than me. And it always is. But here is what the Spirit put in my spirit recently: I am not bigger than this moment but God in me is bigger than this moment. That simple truth has set me free. It puts everything in perspective. My excitement about who God is and what God is doing overwhelms my human nerves..."

So with that, I stop and pause. I need to get on my knees. I need to depend on God. God is bigger than me. I am just dirt. I am just clay. I need to just enjoy His blessings and remember that God is in control!

Oh, I still want to lay face down and cry for days. It is awe.

I am not worthy I say. God says I am.

Its a boy!

If you hadn't noticed, I have been missing for a couple weeks on the blog here. Let's just say that my family has been going through some changes.

For quite some time my husband and I have been pursuing custody of his son. We brought him home just a little over two weeks ago.

I am a mom. (Okay, step-mom, but that term has such bad connotation...)

Jeramy turns 7 on May 2. He is intelligent, adorable, and very much like his dad. He is adjusting rather well considering.

I won't go into details about the past. Just know that Jeramy is thriving in his new environment. His half sister wants to move out here and go to college, so we are looking for cheap but nice housing for her, preferably a room to rent. (Contact me if you are considering it!)

I have had a good excuse for being gone from the blog, and so much to say I can't say anything.

I hope to get back to posting deep thoughts soon.

God-incidences

Sometimes things just are too funny because they are exactly what is on my heart.

Take www.PerryNoble.com, a blog by a pastor out in South Carolina. I open it up to read just about exactly what is on my heart...

Also thanks to "Helper of Mankind" who never reads my blog, but if she does she knows who she is for the "God appointed" phone call. His time is always best!

Now, with my apologies to Pastor P:

Here are some thoughts that I really feel the Lord has been pouring into me recently…

• “You have no idea how HUGE I am!”
• Right now God is at work…doing things that I am COMPLETELY unaware of…but will reap the results of when He thinks I am ready.
• He doesn’t need me…I need Him!
• I am NOT the source of one single blessing in my life–HE IS!!!
• When HIS vision consumes me I will be both overwhelmed and overjoyed!
• When you play around with sin…there are always consequences!
• If I can accomplish “His vision” without HIS help…then it isn’t “His vision!”
• He leads me step by step–NOT in three to five year plans!
• He is Sovereign and is not surprised by anything.
• “DO NOT SETTLE!”
• God often works through the “impossible” to accomplish the “unbelievable!”
• I need to live in faith…NOT in fear!
• The key to continually taking my marriage to the next level is to stop seeking things from him and to start going all out to serve him!
• The world belongs to Him and not the stock market.
• My responsibility as a leader is to set the next generation up for success.
• So goes the leader–so goes the people.
• I need to have more fun!!!

Can’t wait to see what He says next!!!

Miracle on a Monday

You know, after all the time I spent writing about my Bible, I feel either embarrassed or completely overwhelmed by God's grace. You see, today as I was getting on my computer to look up the number for the restaurant, I looked over by my bed. Sitting on the end stand as if it had been there the whole time was none other than my Bible.

Immediately I think its a miracle. God brought my Bible back to me! Is it true? I don't remember taking it out of my bag and bringing it to my bed to read! Last I remember it was in my bag at church. I remember taking it out to read Isaiah 6:6 to a friend who burned her tongue on hot tea. Later, I took a bunch of stuff out at the restaurant to go over a list in my notebook with Dave. That is where I think I set the Bible off to the side. I have no recollection of taking it out of my bag and bringing it to bed.

So now, instead of staring at the screen, I am going to go away from here and curl up with my ole friend that I have missed so much over the past day.

Miracle or mindlessness? You make your call as to what you believe. As for me, nothing is impossible.

Meanwhile, at the topsecret blog

So, I have this top secret blog. Well, it was top secret in that only myself and my husband knew about it until yesterday. It was top secret in that I decided to start a blog to journal through my thoughts feelings and prayers relating to the calling I heard from God.

You see, I almost forgot about it, until I read something for my woman's Bible study group.

I mentioned and tagged the author of the book, giving her full credit. This morning she commented on my blog. Awesome. How flattering is it? I think just as flattered as she was that her book influenced me.

You see, when I really thought about it, I came to the conclusion that we are just two chicks who really did Jesus and got inspired by God. And our paths crossed. She and I are not better than each other.

Dave the hubby brought it up how people tend to worship the leader instead of God or a god. I tend to agree. Now, I constantly am joking about Dave Ferguson.... but its a joke. Yes, Dave is anointed and hears from God constantly. He is a brilliant man, but I don't worship him. I worship who he worships. I love him because of his passion for the Kingdom. I love him for his obedience to and his communion with the Lord. I don't think he has any special powers, I think he just uses more gifts from God than most people use. He is special, but I don't see him and fall on my knees.

Have you gotten to where you think someone is better because they are in the spotlight? An actor or actress? The only major difference between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and my husband and myself is that the whole world recognizes them. In actuality, I believe we have a better chance at success because Dave and I are not in the spotlight. Or how about a doctor, teacher, pastor, group leader?

I used to get caught up in worshiping the person verses the cause. But I got older, wiser, and frankly Tom Cruise put out some goofy movies I couldn't watch. That was before the whole couch incident.

We all have gifts and talents, God gave you some. Find out what it is... then, get your feet wet.

Thanks Jen.

Some more random things about me

30. I met Bo Jackson at a Sox convention that my friend Chris dragged me to. The whole excruciating experience and the long, long lines were worth it when Bo told me I have a beautiful smile. Bo knows ladies too.

31. I once was stranded in Mexico with no money. True story. Friday before we were supposed to leave, I went on a horseback ride. About half way home my horse (whose name was slang for "coke-head") decided to go into a gallop and being an inexperienced horse woman, I was not ready and fell off. When we got back to the ranch, my bag was missing. My bag had among other things: my room key, my last 50 pesos, and my ID! The airport would not let me fly back to O'Hare fearing a huge fine. The rest is another story for another day.

32. The very first crush I remember having was on Kenny Rodgers. When I found out he had plastic surgery and saw the results, I was very, very sad.

33. I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 1/2 years. We were engaged, and passed the wedding date, thank God.

34. I cried more when I lost my following May-September romance. That really broke my heart.

35. I have bit my nails as long as I can remember. My parents tried everything short of removing my hands to get me to stop. I still bite them, especially in the movies.

36. I have been a Cubs fan since I can remember and had a crush on/my favorite player was Ryne Sandberg. It wasn't until many years later that I found out my whole family are Sox fans, and we only watched Cub games while I was growing up because they were on TV. I am the black sheep in my family!

37. I hate Christmas movies, especially Its a Wonderful Life. No, I won't ever change my mind.

38. I have old matchbox cars that were handed down to me by a friend my parents had when growing up. I used to think they were so cool, now I am not sure if I should sell them or keep them for any future kids.

39. I never ever thought that the place I would most want to be on a Saturday night is a church, but it is! I love being at the Yellow Box and "doing church"! I spent 5+ hours at church Saturday night and still had to come back Sunday so I could attend service!

40. I find it easier to give things and love away than to accept things and love. Working on that.

41. I missed coffee, beer, and wine when I was pregnant, but mostly coffee. The upside to a miscarriage is you can have all three way sooner than you thought!

42. Legalists have kept me "away" from God for a long time. Yet the closer I get to Him, the more I want to obey Him. I try to remember this when I minister to others.

43. I was a smoker for many years, and the abnoxious non-smokers made me NOT want to quit. I try to remember this when walking past smokers outside.

44. If money were no object, I would buy a great camera, a great computer, and great programs to edit. Also likely video as well. I love photography, and while I would never make money doing it, I enjoy it. I like to find the beauty in people in things.

45. I am truly torn, I want/need a new computer (Mac) for me and (PC) my husband, a Tivo type device, and wi-fi for our new laptops. But, I don't want to add to our debt, and with a court case ongoing, I don't see anyway we can do this. That and I am trying to store treasures in heaven, chase the Almighty, not the almighty dolla'.

46. I found out that the house I was considering buying is back on the market but there is no way we could make enough money selling this place to move. I want to live closer to the Box, but I think God is keeping me here for a while on purpose.

47. How come the sermon series is about money just when money issues start attacking me? God, thanks for reminding me what is important! Actually Dave says the sermon always relates to his life. He has asked that he be warned if they are ever preaching on murder.

48. My dream is to one day be debt free and actually live within budget while still being able to give money/things away to people who have less. With this court case, it seems like it will be decades before we pay off the money we owe.

I've been tagged-- 29 semi random things "About Me"

Several people have tagged me in 16, 21, 25, 1 million, Things about Me...
So, I won't tag you back, too many people that I can't keep straight.
This is so that you get to know me better.

1. I feel like my life just began at 30 when I was baptized at CCC March 19. This March I turn 3.

2. My mom died that summer('06), and her illness and death is probably the best worst thing that has ever happened to me as I have been able to be my own person and I have dug deep and discovered a relationship with my Jesus. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy.

3. I have a very, very hard time remembering names, so if I forget yours, don't take it personally.

4. When I think of myself, I don't picture me as heavy as I really am. Sometimes the mirror reminds me I am fat.

5. I have always had a very hard time making "girlfriends" and an even harder time keeping them.

6. I have experienced two miscarriages this year. One passed natural and I just had a procedure for the last one. I really miss my babies that I never had.

7. There is an ongoing custody case for my husband's son. I know we are going to win, eventually. The process is just long and hard. Sometimes I wish we could just duke it out on the Jerry Springer show because she makes me feel that way.

8. I have one younger sister, and two cousins in particular that I am so close to they are like sisters. It would be awesome if we could all go with my aunt and our husbands to Disney together. (I have never been.)

9. I am the main breadwinner for my home, and fear losing my job because we are one paycheck away from losing it all. Yet, God keeps providing!

10. I seem to tell people too much about myself in hopes that we will somehow bond and be closer, and I wonder if it just leaves me open to scrutiny and to be made fun of but I wouldn't do it any other way.

11. God keeps urging me to tell other women that they are beautiful, yet I have a very hard time accepting it myself.

12. I fight depression everyday.

13. I feel closest to God when I read the Bible, and spend time with people. Being holed up at home keeps me away from both, and thus I go back to #12.

14. It was a combination of bronchitis, knitting, and having lots of sex that helped me to quit smoking. It was Dave for the last part, but it was before we were married! (oh taboo!)

15. I think I might be the only person brave enough to mention sex in her list more than once.

16. My husband and I have a running list for a drinking game to CSI:Miami, yet we don't drink.

17. My husband is my best friend. I am also very close with my sister, cousins and aunt.

18. I was born at the hospital I work at, and I joke that I will likely die there as well.

19. My name is Shelley Marie Egeland, my favorite color is blue, and my quest is to help people find their way back to God.

20. My maiden name was two first names, and I don't mind that most people misspell my name now because they don't call me by my last name anymore.

21. I could have been an all "A" student if I actually did my homework and studied. Yes, I am one of "those" kids. Learning comes easy to me.

22. I love reading.

23. I hate bees with a mad passion. I once hit someone in the nuts accidentally running away from a bee. I also ended up in the ER after running away from a bee and landing my knee smack dab in the middle of a concrete step. Its the only thing I hate about fall.

24. I love my iPod, but I can't fill it up because my computer doesn't have enough memory. It's an old computer. I like podcasts of sermons as well as worship music.

25. If I could wish one thing, it would be that there would no longer be any poverty, and everyone in the whole world would have enough, a place to live, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear, medicine and healthcare. I also believe its possible, and we don't have to give up much of ourselves to achieve this. Yet we are selfish by nature.

26. I want a Crackberry, but Dave won't let me have one because he thinks I would never be found again.

27. The only "Reality" TV shows I watch are Dog the Bounty Hunter and The Girls Next Door.

28. Psalm 27:4

29. I have never ever been a morning person, and if you see me before noon and I look funny, its because I am tired!

Coming out of hiding...

I have to admit, I have been in hiding. I got sick, and cold weather keeps me bottled up inside. I have no money, no groceries, and spent way too much time in bed. I have been letting depression win. Why? I hate that part of me, I hate laying in bed and staying isolated. I love people, I love my people. I miss them.

I have to say thanks to my soul sista JJ for slapping me across the face, but she didn't know it. Read her whole post here. This is what I am cutting and pasting for you:

Life is meant to be lived...

it is not meant to hide from what you may be afraid of, or who may hurt you.

To live is to feel the fear and do it anyway. To live is to feel the hurt, and love them anyway.

To live is to enjoy what comforts your fort may bring you, but to be strong and courageous when the time comes to tear it down... and leave your hiding place behind.

We weren't meant to hide forever.




The world is waiting...


make your move.

Here I am. I can't hide in my fort forever!

Friends and fulfillment

This is the time of year for new friends and old. The time when magic seems to be in the air to those who are open to the possibility.

I have a friend that I read her blog, we have had only a few conversations, have never hung out, yet for some reason we have a deep love for each other. I made the leap and introduced myself to her a while back, and we have exchanged a few emails. Our hearts are similar. I think we have an understanding that goes beyond basic things. That is the awesomeness of being a part of something bigger than you. That is the awesomeness of being in the body of Christ.

I have a friend that I just met about 3 months ago. By just being me, I have put into her enough that she has called me her role-model. I don't say this to boast, I say this to boast in Christ in me. You see, I am a shy person, and pretty selfish. It's God who makes me reach out and care. She told me she loves me, and it took me a while to accept it. But she said it when I needed it. Today, when she saw me, she cried. She cried because she knew the good news and just got a chance to congratulate me.

I have a friend that I grew up with. She was practically my sister. I used to think that I don't have friends that I grew up with, but I was excluding family. You see, this friend is my cousin. Her and I also have an understanding deeper than words, and its been neat as she has moved away and gotten married just how much our relationship has grown. She has been more encouraging to me by simple email and messages than she knows. I can't wait to see her for Christmas.

I have another friend that is old enough to be my mom. She is more like my role model, it was another woman that I introduced myself to and told her that I thought she was beautiful. She has since poured herself and her heart into me, and it has meant more to me to have someone to look up to, and get feedback, both positive and negative, that I need. Yet I never feel bad about it, she doesn't ever put me down. She has always believed in me.

Probably one of the most endearing friendships is my aunt. I get a bit of satisfaction when looking for a mom, yet she treats me like an adult, something my mom never really did. I can't really describe it, yet she blows my mind every time. And it has been amazing watching her grow and develop. She is very, very, dear to me, more like an older sister than an aunt.

Then there is this friend that is my sister, by blood and faith. There was a period in my life that we did not get along, and I wanted something from her that she could not give me. Things changed. Mom got sick, or sicker, and Megan came down. Something happened in the pain, I grew to know her, I grew to know my mom more, I grew to know Christ. And a relationship was healed. My sister is so dear to me, and I truly enjoy talking with her, praying with her, praying for her. When we get together, its as if no time has passed. I am so proud of her. She has been an inspiration to me. And though we don't always agree on everything, we love each other for our differences. She is awesome, and I can't wait to see what she is going to accomplish.

I also have this one friend, Shelley. You see, I think we became friends because we have the same name, spelled the same way. I haven't seen her in forever until last night. Yet we keep up with each other in an odd sort of way. And watching her grow up is amazing. She is turning into such a fine young woman.

Facebook may seem like stalking sometimes, but I like to check in on my friends. I like to read their blogs, find out what is going on in their lives. I work when most people are home, its hard for me to "hang out." I have also been able to make more friends because I just talk to them online. Its kind of weird.

Three friends I haven't met in person that I enjoy I met by following links and clicks. One is out in Kentucky and involved with the Crossings church (its a New Thing church.) He sent me a t-shirt once because I wanted one. I wore it, photographed it, and blogged it. I think I started following his blog as a link off of someone else's that I don't read anymore, but I can't remember. I hope to visit him and his family with my family one day (and of course visit Crossings.) The other is a lady I met by looking at friends of friends on Twitter. Then you follow their links and find blogs. Then you read the blog, identify, and send a message. BAM, suddenly you are friends on twitter and facebook. We will meet one day soon. The last is a lady out east that works her buns off. She is a delightful writer and photographer, and I truly look forward to her blogs. We have prayed for each other often. One day, I hope to make it out there, but you never know.

One of my best friends I met because she was my mom's friends daughter. We both loved reading and Anne of Green Gables and found out we were born 6 months apart. Suddenly we were kindred spirits and making oaths to be friends "as long as the sun and the moon shall endure." We have been pen-pals for years, until the advent of email. I can count the times I have actually been with her on my hands. She showed up for my wedding, and was probably the best non-bridesmaid bridesmaid a woman could want. The wedding would not have been the same without you girl! She now has a baby boy, and I can't wait to visit her again soon. I know no matter how many years go by, we will always be endeared to each other.

If I didn't mention you, don't take it personally. These are just a few leaves on my friendship tree. Kind of odd stories that my heart chose to share today. There are a ton of other people on my heart right now, some even I don't even know where they live anymore. Know this, I love you dearly and wish the best for you.

I am just so thankfull for all of my friends, old and new, far and near. Sometimes you just need to remember them, and this is one of those times. It fills my soul.

I also have to thank Epic Theatre Company for putting on Let It Be Christmas. It touched my soul in deep, deep places. It reminded me of a time when I had a dream, that "all you need is love." Only to find out that I still have that dream. My mom was cheering you on from heaven!

And cheesy as it is, thanks to Jesus for being my friend.

I'm working on my bark

Yesterday my co-worker came in and told me I am looking great. What am I doing? Am I still on Weight Watchers, am I working out?

Nope, I haven't done a thing for like a month now. NOTHING! Please, all of you stop complimenting me when I feel super guilty about this. I do not deserve your praise.
My cousin Tammy has been helping me, by keeping me accountable, and loving and encouraging me no matter what. I wouldn't be this far without you girl! My sister was my initial inspiration, I don't even know how much weight she has lost, but man, oh man she is lookin' GOOD!

I can blame it on the season, the lack of sun, the increase in traveling and stress. But really, it comes down to me. I haven't been strong. I have given in to temptation. I have eaten past the point of being full just because something tastes good. I have kept eating chocolates even when I didn't need more because I wanted more. One would have been enough, okay maybe two. I have downed nearly half a pizza, I have eaten more than one dessert a week. I have fantasized about Coldstone. I have not been to the gym, despite setting realistic goals and thinking about it several times. I am a sinner in the worst way.

Why do I say this? Why am I a sinner? Because, I am being selfish. I am choosing what I want over what God wants. God wants what is good for me, I want what tastes good. Remind you of a certain fruit from a certain tree in a certain garden? Thanks a lot EVE!

I feel like crap, so I eat to comfort myself, but it just makes me feel crappier, so I eat more. Now I have yet to step on the scale, but I know I have gained weight. My pants are too tight. I am considering going back to my old jeans that I have yet to donate.

Please don't console me with how stressful my situation is and its okay. Because its not. See, my life has been a series of stress. Stress will always come, and if I don't stop the cycle, I will end up crying to Richard Simmons for help. I see the people who have the surgery, nothing really changes for them. They don't fix what it is on the inside. I was already told how to beat the system, and gain weight despite the surgery, so why would I have surgery? (By the way, its drinking milkshakes, which I love!) It won't change who I am.

I am a food addict. I have an addiction. I can't stop, I can't say no. Some can't quit drinking booze, some can't say no to sex, some can't quit snorting or shooting. I could easily be any of these people. And the American public is sadly getting more and more obese because its okay for us to eat what we want, we better eat it because there are starving children in Africa! The amount of over indulgence in this country is sickening. Not just with food, with everything, but that's a horse of an entirely different color.

Who can fix me? Only me, I have to make that decision. But I can't do it alone. I need God.

1. I admit, I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.
2. I believe that God can fix me, restore me to sanity
3. God, I hand myself over to you. Help me to change and be free of this addiction.
4. I need to look over and
5. give my moral inventory
6. because I am ready for Him to remove these defects of character
7. and I want to ask Him to do so

Guess what, I need to make an appointment to give my inventory.
I need to work the steps.
I stopped working them.
I stopped growing.
I turned away from God's will. (That is why I am a sinner)
I repent now. Help me God.

Here I go, let's weigh in:

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.5
This weeks loss/gain: 0.1
Total weight lost: 30.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.5

What?!! I cannot possibly have not gained only .1 pounds. My body feels horrible, my stomach is larger! God, you are doing something in me, and I see that. Help me to help you in the transformation of me. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Well, just so you know, I didn't forget to blog, okay I did.

I did weigh in. The weight was exactly the same, but I did not take time to blog on it. Thanks Tammy for ringing my bell. Just glad I didn't gain!

Most of you who know me know that a huge change is happening in my life and it is getting down to the wire. This is it, no turning back. My stomach is full of butterflies and in knots. I need help cleaning and organizing and getting ready, but mostly I just don't know what to do with myself until then. I work Thursday and Friday, will pay bills and then Saturday I start cleaning. Don't want to, but I am screaming on the inside. Seriously my heart is racing with anticipation.

I keep staring at the rock Beth gave me that says Peace. She gave it to me to remind me that when I lean on the Solid Rock (Jesus) then I will have peace... of course I just remember Troy singing that song... all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I found out another friend of mine is also a "New Thing" stalker, as we were both in a chat room at the same time. Well, I joke when I say stalker, but really, we just are excited about what is going on with The Church and believe that New Thing is right in the thick of it. So, we like to follow what is going on and we ended up watching some bonus webcasting. I got to watch DFerg on live webcast from Catalyst '08 in Atlanta, it was sweet. Some pastors were in the room, and I found it funny that plaid and spiked hair was a "must have" for church planters nation wide. Again, why do I love it, because I love what God is doing, and yes, church planting excites me. I would love to be in Atlanta, learning and listening to these great leaders. I wish I could go when Catalyst one day will be at Granger in Indiana, but I just can't justify the expense, time off, or the reason. Will I be involved in a church plant one day? I believe so, but not now. I suppose my heart is just getting ready? Perhaps its a part of the natural leadership progression.

One thing Dave said during the webcast was that he did not know why the culture worked at CCC. I can list at least five reasons. One, you get the chance to be a part of an epic story (building the Kingdom is EPIC). Two, you get opportunities that you would never get in the business world. You don't need a masters degree to be thought worthy of anything. Three, the love of Christ comes with every apprenticeship. Four, if you do it right (that is if you put forth the effort and follow the suggestions,) it is so awesome experience for you, growing closer to God and watching life change, that you want it to happen for as many people as possible, so you just have to apprentice people!

At first I was weary to make friends and then say goodbye, but when I find that it is not about me, its all about Jesus... and as a good friend says you have to lose your life to find it.

Well, I have gone on long enough... let me know if you want to join my stalkers club. Maybe I can get us some t-shirts.

If you wear it, they will laugh

It all started with Jason's post here. It was the end of July, and me having just signed up for the NAMI DuPage Walk for the Mind thought how great this story was. This t-shirt is not only funny (because it says balls) but anti-stigma for depression. I am so all about this. So I commented, jokingly, that I wanted one. Well, Jason said he had a few left, so he sent me one. I told himI would wear it to church! And here is the "ballsy" thing, I did. Above you see me in church, at our Welcome Table, (photos taken by our very own Amy) and in front of the Yellow Box with the infamous "balls tee." This was taken at the start of our 5pm service, so I did wear it at church, in service.

Yes, it did take me an entire month to get the photos on to the blog, life has been a bit busy, so you will have to cut me a break.

The best story for me was being concious of myself. Never before have I worn something that I wanted people to see and ask me about. But that meant everyone. Some people smiled, some made rude comments to others they were with. Some laughed to themselves. Some nerd named Eric thought I was just being wierd until I explained the story behind the shirt to him. (Truthfully, I still think he thought I was just being wierd.)

Most people were in good humor. Infact, I did continue to wear it on my date night with my husband. As we were leaving our favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse (hint for gift certificates,) this guy saw my shirt and busted up laughing, even pointing his finger at my shirt. It took everything I had just to keep walking and not do the same. Try explaining busting mental health stigma to a guy who had one too many beers while trying to be on a date... no thanks.

I just didn't have the "balls" to ask J. Ferg for a picture with him and me and the tee. It is a "New Thing" story, but I just couldn't do it!

I did promise to upload them to Facebook, and I am, as well as blogging about it... Thanks to Jason for the inspiration, you truly deserved your BVD award!

I will be wearing the Balls Tee for my 5K walk... there is still time to support me!

Emmanuel

God With Us by Mercy Me

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

-Chorus-
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

This song has been our theme song since May. God wants Dave and me to know that He is with us, always.

So, I bought this book at the Leadership Summit by John Burke called Soul Revolution. It details a 60-60 experiment. Read all about it at SoulRevolution.net. Anyway, I got my husband to read it, and he really wanted to try it. So we went and bought some watches that beep every 60 minutes. (I love no sales tax in Oregon, gives me an excuse to shop.) My watch also keeps track of my golf score, so I guess I need to take up golf.

The point of the experiment is to see what happens when you live a life in constant contact with God. It makes you really conscious of God, and paying attention to His presence in your life. It makes you share even the dumbest details of your life with God. For example, I woke up and peed, then invited God to spend the day with me. Then I thought I guess God wants to be a part of everything in my life, including that. Because God is there, he knows everything, but he wants us to include him in everything. Its like God is in the room with you, but you don't include him, he feels left out. It breaks his heart. This 60-60 is supposed to help us be aware of him in the room, and include him in our lives.

My husband said, "this sounds life-changing" and change is always scary for him, but he wanted it. For once he wanted a change, a good change. This is awesome.

We almost didn't make it onto the airplane yesterday.

I checked into the kiosk 3 minutes late and it said that our reservations were canceled, and the lady on the phone said she could put us on a flight to San Francisco at 8pm. I got MAD. Really mad. I said "this is retarded!" She wanted to delay our coming home and charge us 125 bucks for changing flights! Deep inside, I knew I deserved it. We were late to the airport. 3 minutes is three minutes. I could go into how Dave's son didn't want us to leave, and the Oregon traffic, but in truth, we did not deserve to be on that airplane. The guy behind the counter got us boarding passes, and we raced through security only to find they hadn't even begun to board the flight.

Coming out of the bathroom, I cried. This is grace. Grace, undeserved favor. God showed us how even a tiny error from the "law" can keep us from home. In the Bible it says if you break even one of the laws in the tiniest bit, you break them all. The whole law is broken. That is why we need Jesus, that is why we need grace. I cried because we did not deserve to be on that flight. I cried because I did nothing good to deserve heaven. Yet God was with us, he sent his son Jesus who obeyed the law, and then suffered and died for us, so that we could be with him in heaven.

I cried on the plane. I cried because there is a little boy we were leaving behind who was going to have to go through a lot of pain. It was nothing that was his fault. None of this is his fault, yet he has to pay the price. I cried because I wish I could take all of that away. I cried because he wanted us to stay. I cried because I needed to cry. I cried because this is going to be the hardest year of his life and he has no idea. I cry because I have no idea what his mom is telling him. I cry because she tells him things that I cannot control, and I cry because she makes him codependent. I cry because ripping off the band-aid hurts no matter if you do it fast or slow. I cry because God is with me, with us. I cry because I don't deserve it. I cry because the little boy knows nothing about my Jesus, and his concept is so messed up because of his mom. I cry because so much of him is messed up because of his mom. I cry because God wants me to cry. He wants me to feel. He wants me to know that his heart is broken too. He wants me to know it is okay for me to cry.

I cried when I went the wrong way, not because I went the wrong way, but because I was praying I would not see any homeless kids hitchhiking on the highway, and I did. This area is so impoverished, this area is so hopeless. I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I can't. But, my Jesus can. No one should have to be homeless in the United States. Yet poverty is horrible. Unemployment is horrible. The school system is horrible. The health care system is horrible. Welcome to America, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Some people have Africa, the Phillipines, China.... I have America. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart.

Listen to "Girl America" by Mat Kearney. Try not to cry and/or rock out.

Try listening to God, and see how that changes your life. I dare you. Check out http://www.soulrevolution.net/

Email me, twitter me, facebook me, IM me, leave a comment, let me know how God is speaking to you.