I have been reading Flags of our Fathers about the infamous picture taken on Iwo Jima. Tonight I read about the assault on the island, the whole part. It was the most costly American campaign the whole war. Death was inescapable, bodies were everywhere, and rest was hard to come by.
Yet when I laid down, I started thinking about the incident that got me fired, and the circumstances around it. I found myself thinking of how I would have handled my questioning had the nerves not gotten the better of me. Hind sight is 20/20 and after being delved into the Marine mindset, so many thoughts have gone through my head.
There are memories in my mind that fill me with angst. Thinking of the hospital gets my heart racing. I loved that place and gave it my all, it was my home. I was trained there, and had many friends throughout the hospital. My mom died there, and the hospital screwed up and skipped her autopsy. All I got was an apology. I tried to let it go, make myself better because of it. Still the ache of betrayal is in the back of my mind. There is always pain associated with death, and to this day "her" room haunted me. Knowing its where she died, I eyed its window often in passing. I spent too many hours in that room. I slept on the floor.
There were people that I worked with that hated me. I don't know why, other than I got on their nerves. People are threatened by me because-- I wish I knew. I think its because I have a confidence about myself that ticks them off. I could care less about how they look, but rather I care more about how they are. Some people were just looking to protect their own skin. Some actually thrived on destroying others. I didn't like the people that I could see through. They were as deep as a kiddie pool, and their loyalties ebbed and flowed with the changing of the moon. They were like the devil, a smile on their face and a knife in their hand behind their back.
There were those that used me, those that were just other pawns, and those that were loyal tried and true. Most everyone fell somewhere in between. I knew I was a gossip item, and I tried to ignore it all. My life after all begs to ask the question "where are the hidden cameras?" because you can't make up fiction this good here folks.
I was dedicated. Sure, God and family came first, but after that was my career. I was proud. I was the best there was, when I wanted to be. I could get any image if it could be gotten. I had compassion for my patients such that I would cry either on shift or later at home for some of them. I prayed for many that never knew it. Each patient was family to me.
I sit here in the dark at 2am with tears rolling down my eyes. My sister told me that being fired from a job is like a bad break up. In retrospect, I saw it coming, but at the time I was blindsided. The lady that complained about me worked with me and held up my lead apron to protect me because it fell down when I was pushing the imaging plate down. We had camaraderie. I hated her pain, I couldn't take it away. I would bear it for her if I could. I told her so. My partner just stood there in silence like always. Passive but willing to assist.
Later he was too feared for his own job to testify to the unemployment referee as to my behavior in the room. Things are bad I keep hearing from others. I really don't hear too much. I am almost afraid to. Its like when you get out of an abusive relationship you don't want to go back. Like I want to know how my ex is having a jolly good time without me, I don't. I want to hear how miserable they are without me. I was called once, and it was only out of respect for my supervisor I answered the question. Anyone else would have told them to shove it.
So now I live in semi-denial. I pretend that I don't ever have to take an x-ray again because right now the thought of it pains me so dearly. In all reality, I don't. I can resign myself to giving up my special power, and go on in the world as if the past 10+ years of my life was all a bad dream. I'm damn good, perhaps too damn good. The job prospects are horrible. I don't want to work pm or midnights, and I want to stay out of the city. I worked long enough to have a cush job in a clinic with no holidays, right? Turns out there are no jobs. Nothing with benefits, unless I go into the city. The part time hours posted out there honestly suck so much I would rather work at McDonald's. Not that anyone ever calls anyway. This ideal job came up in Nashville- and then the flooding happened and they never called me back.
Its like I can go on with life now that the war is over. Or can I? Why am I lying awake when normally I can't stay up past midnight anymore? Its like PTSD. I am so traumatized, I must be drawing on this pain to relate to the Marines on Iwo Jima. Not that it could ever come close to comparing, because it never will. I feel like I lived a whole different life back then, and this is now, and its time to move on... so why does it still hurt me?
I don't know. I do know that I just had to write about it. Give me flack if you will, but I never mentioned anyone's names, not even the hospital's. Its my life, and I ain't takin' this post down - so stick that in your pipe and smoke it. See, I know that someone is going to complain, they always did... the infamous "they."
So now its all just memories slowly fading out. The pain of betrayal is likely the strongest thing that remains. Not anyone in particular, just this entity which I loved and worked hard for, and in all honesty could care less about me. I am just a number, someone who was paid too much and worked too many hours. Someone they could easily hack off with the least resistance, like an unneeded mole. Perhaps that is what truly hurts. Knowing that you put some ointment on it, and a band aid, in a few weeks no one will even remember you were there. Except me, the mole. Shriveled up and dried out, cut off from what fed me. Removed from the body that I enjoyed being a part of.
What will fill this hole? Another job? Forgiving myself, my former co-workers? Perhaps if that stump of a mole was really a seed. Then when this seed gets planted, who knows what might sprout up? What fruit it will bear? Perhaps then it will forget it was just an off-cast, when it is busy growing and producing fruit. How does a cut off mole turn into a seed? Well if it was your imagination, you could do with it what you wanted too. This is all a giant metaphor. No longer is the hurt useless, and while I was useless there, I will be useful, fruitful even, elsewhere. Make sense now?
Will the tree bear the scars from battle? Or will the body bear the scar from the mole removed? Only time will tell. Right now its all too fresh, too much blood still on the ground.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Losing your job can be good
Yesterday was a den meeting for Jeramy's cub scouts. I thank God for people who can put up with 8 rambunctious 8 year old boys. I helped to keep them in line, I admit. I am an authoritarian mom, and don't like it when they run all over the place. Especially near a busy street corner. On the way back, one of the moms struck up a conversation with me. She re-introduced herself as horrible with names. I of course am the same way, so we automatically have two things in common, scout mom and bad with names. She mentioned she has only really seen my husband this whole time at the scout outings. I told her that I recently lost my job, and I worked the evening shift.
Her response "That's great! Now you can be a part of these things!" I wonder if she was longing for a younger mom to hang out with or just realized how awesome it is when you can be involved in your kids activities. "It's just the right time of year, too. As the weather just keeps getting better." FINALLY my heart celebrated. Yes, someone who didn't feel sorry for me, but who felt excited for me! I instantly liked her tons more.
I brought this up to my husband, while we were driving alone (Jeramy wanted to ride with the other boys) and he agreed. He told me that since I lost my job, things were tight, and we had a different set of problems, but I was a whole lot less stressed out. I totally agreed.
Now I am settled into somewhat of a routine, its time to mix it up again. Actually add some things that are productive and not time wasting. Goals: service, study, spewing. (I had to make it 3 Ss.) Service will be where I help out, either around here or with my aunt who could use a young person around the house. Study is spending time with God, reading the Bible and self-improvement. Spewing is writing. I want to start working on what my book might be, maybe just start spewing and run with it. Of course I need to put in a few applications every week, I think finding jobs is the hardest part. I won't apply for something I wouldn't actually work at, like a city job or a night job. Also I would like to meet with a school counselor to figure out what it would look like if I went back to college. Exploring several career tracks...
Help me out, if you will. What do you think I would be good at doing?
The world is full of possibilities and I am more free than I have been in a long time.
Her response "That's great! Now you can be a part of these things!" I wonder if she was longing for a younger mom to hang out with or just realized how awesome it is when you can be involved in your kids activities. "It's just the right time of year, too. As the weather just keeps getting better." FINALLY my heart celebrated. Yes, someone who didn't feel sorry for me, but who felt excited for me! I instantly liked her tons more.
I brought this up to my husband, while we were driving alone (Jeramy wanted to ride with the other boys) and he agreed. He told me that since I lost my job, things were tight, and we had a different set of problems, but I was a whole lot less stressed out. I totally agreed.
Now I am settled into somewhat of a routine, its time to mix it up again. Actually add some things that are productive and not time wasting. Goals: service, study, spewing. (I had to make it 3 Ss.) Service will be where I help out, either around here or with my aunt who could use a young person around the house. Study is spending time with God, reading the Bible and self-improvement. Spewing is writing. I want to start working on what my book might be, maybe just start spewing and run with it. Of course I need to put in a few applications every week, I think finding jobs is the hardest part. I won't apply for something I wouldn't actually work at, like a city job or a night job. Also I would like to meet with a school counselor to figure out what it would look like if I went back to college. Exploring several career tracks...
Help me out, if you will. What do you think I would be good at doing?
The world is full of possibilities and I am more free than I have been in a long time.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Operation: Me
Did you know that if you break your nose, in order to fix it that the doctor must break it again? It's kind of like when your joint gets so bad you can barely walk they slice you open, cut out the bad parts and replace them with metal and plastic and sew you back up. If you think about most medical stuff, its gruesome. Basically most surgeons use the same tools found in a wood shop, just tweaked and sanitized. Hammers, saws, pins, screws and cement.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
God does that to us too. He uses common tools to operate on us. I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing. And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.
We are born into a broken and messed up world. No body is perfect and everyone sins. Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted. Time and time again God had to rescue them. And he still does that today for us. Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer. Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!
Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles. But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me. I get scared.
I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus. I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me. She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.
To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still. This was the book I needed. My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time. I needed just this. I needed to be still.
Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband. He needed it, he needed to be still. And so I read him the preface and chapter one. Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy. The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally. I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it. I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.
So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with. This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning. The leg has been broken and set. The swelling has gone down. I am ready to start recovering. According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it. I can't rip through PT in one day. This is a process.
It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing. I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior. God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me. He won't lead me astray. He searches for me when I am lost. He carries me when I have no strength. He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.
This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever. But I am ready now. I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Pain - are you ready?
I returned to my home today. I went back to Celebrate the Journey.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month. Something is going to break. It was me, I wanted to cry. I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.
To say it rocked was an understatement. I walked in and was surrounded by people I love. Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end. Love, hugs and kisses. Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another. I was an event. God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.
Which brings us to the title of this entry. I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change. The chapter was on forgiveness. I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore. It is funny how it is all foggy.
Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do. That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-
Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people. But it will to me. The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that. Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave. It felt good.
Am I ready for pain? I think so. Now that I have the right focus. Oddly enough, God sent me a book today. Okay, God and Crossway publishers. Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering. Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it. So I want to "review" it and post about it. I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!
But I can't face pain alone. I need my family. I need my friends. Are you in? Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Love Hurts- (but sometimes its a good hurt)
I have been faithfully reading Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest. Today's entry is about love hurting. That Jesus hurts. You can't be adversely affected by Christ without feeling hurt. I want to expand on it, work it out, journal it, whatever.
You see, Jesus calls you to change. To die. To die to yourself. And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts. Jesus is truth, is light. The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away. The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself. Jesus asks one question to prove us. "Do you love me?"
Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer. Many people say that they love Jesus. In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times. Why three? Because he denies him thrice? All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings. Yes the second time to confirm my feelings. And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth.
What does it mean to love Jesus? I mean to truly love Jesus.
Let's look at die hard sports fans. I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves. Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts. They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio. Everyone would know that they loved that team. Some might even get in fights over them.
I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs. I own a shirt or two, watch a few games. But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere. They buy season tickets. I would call those people two yes folks.
What would make the third yes? Stepping out onto the field and playing. Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams. But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church. Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest. You don't have to be Billy Graham. You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team. What does that mean?
Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure. That was before he knew. Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God. But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected. He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment. When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore.
I often can picture myself doing this. Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea. Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary. Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear. But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior. It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus. Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.
Of course Jesus was more than welcoming. Peter then became the third yes type. You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing. Why? Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought. Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on. Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel.
Not all of us are called to leave our jobs. Not all of us are called to travel around the world. Yet we are all called to follow Him. To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection. Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people. They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk. But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer. If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot. Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing. There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger. There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing.
People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life. Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker. Are you in? Do you play the game? Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?
Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature. We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord. Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do. And oh yeah, you have to die daily. Every single day is a choice. Every single day you need to chose whom you serve. Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.
And I ain't saying I am perfect in this. I struggle every single day. Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day. Love hurts. But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there. Without his love, I won't survive.
You see, Jesus calls you to change. To die. To die to yourself. And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts. Jesus is truth, is light. The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away. The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself. Jesus asks one question to prove us. "Do you love me?"
Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer. Many people say that they love Jesus. In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times. Why three? Because he denies him thrice? All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings. Yes the second time to confirm my feelings. And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth.
What does it mean to love Jesus? I mean to truly love Jesus.
Let's look at die hard sports fans. I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves. Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts. They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio. Everyone would know that they loved that team. Some might even get in fights over them.
I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs. I own a shirt or two, watch a few games. But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere. They buy season tickets. I would call those people two yes folks.
What would make the third yes? Stepping out onto the field and playing. Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams. But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church. Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest. You don't have to be Billy Graham. You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team. What does that mean?
Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure. That was before he knew. Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God. But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected. He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment. When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore.
I often can picture myself doing this. Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea. Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary. Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear. But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior. It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus. Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.
Of course Jesus was more than welcoming. Peter then became the third yes type. You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing. Why? Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought. Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on. Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel.
Not all of us are called to leave our jobs. Not all of us are called to travel around the world. Yet we are all called to follow Him. To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection. Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people. They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk. But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer. If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot. Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing. There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger. There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing.
People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life. Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker. Are you in? Do you play the game? Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?
Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature. We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord. Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do. And oh yeah, you have to die daily. Every single day is a choice. Every single day you need to chose whom you serve. Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.
And I ain't saying I am perfect in this. I struggle every single day. Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day. Love hurts. But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there. Without his love, I won't survive.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Story
I always have a hard time starting a story. I always want to go into the back-story and work up to the present. It just seems so boring when I think about it that way. I have been thinking a lot about story, my story, His story, and friends' stories. I have been thinking about writing.
I think the first thing I need to do is just start. Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful. I have been watching Lost. It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island. What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.
It reminds me of reading the Bible. To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far. Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down. What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old. And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times. I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible. I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole. That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.
Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me. Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter. Some of you might even be reading this. But do you know me? How much of my back-story do you get?
Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me." True. How much do we truly know each other? I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers. I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing. Maybe we even shared a meal or an event. But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God. The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in. The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately. The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake. For that reason, I love you. For that reason I desire to know you.
In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up. I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out. The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness. When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you. I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine. If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks.
What is it that this character will do? What is her motivation? What secrets does she have? How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life? What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light?
I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all. And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even. Write history with me. Write His story with me.
I think the first thing I need to do is just start. Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful. I have been watching Lost. It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island. What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.
It reminds me of reading the Bible. To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far. Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down. What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old. And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times. I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible. I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole. That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.
Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me. Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter. Some of you might even be reading this. But do you know me? How much of my back-story do you get?
Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me." True. How much do we truly know each other? I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers. I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing. Maybe we even shared a meal or an event. But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God. The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in. The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately. The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake. For that reason, I love you. For that reason I desire to know you.
In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up. I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out. The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness. When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you. I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine. If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks.
What is it that this character will do? What is her motivation? What secrets does she have? How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life? What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light?
I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all. And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even. Write history with me. Write His story with me.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Just before dawn...
They say it is darkest just before dawn. I know when the sun is coming up soon because I can hear birds tweeting. Its like there is this anticipation in the air. You can feel it in the breeze, and see it in the trees. I have never been the person to wake up early, but I have always been the stay up late type.
Back before Dave and I even dated, we used to spend hours on the phone. The best nights were the ones when I noticed the sun starting to come up in the east looking out my balcony. I had this ache in my body that longed for sleep, yet this anticipation in my heart at the start of a new day.
And here I am, in the dark. Yet I know that the sun is coming up soon. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it. I can sense it in and out. The sun will rise. Life will go on. It always has, and it always will. The difference is that I am choosing to be a part of this new day.
Of course being a person who speaks in metaphors as a way to describe myself, my feelings and emotions, you must understand that I mean the depression, the dark days of my soul, the hiding, the tossing and turning, all of it is near to an end. At least for this season. There is hope now, where none was fathomable before. There is peace in giving up things that I couldn't before.
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So then what in this life have I clung to, that is the pattern of this world? Oh so much.
I think when I am able to remove some of these layers, I will truly find life.
So pray for me, as I pick my priorities, define my essence, search for what God desires of me, transform and renew my mind, lose my life to save it.
My Priorities: relationships with 1. God 2. Husband 3. Jeramy 4. Family 5. Friends 6. people who have potential to be family or friends. (I think that covers everyone!)
Its that simple. Life is about living. Not about where, or how, or what you drive. Its that you are loving while you go about it.
And I love how the birds chirp before dawn, even when it keeps me up. It lets me know that a new day approaches, and the possibilities are endless.
Back before Dave and I even dated, we used to spend hours on the phone. The best nights were the ones when I noticed the sun starting to come up in the east looking out my balcony. I had this ache in my body that longed for sleep, yet this anticipation in my heart at the start of a new day.
And here I am, in the dark. Yet I know that the sun is coming up soon. I can feel it. I can smell it. I can hear it. I can sense it in and out. The sun will rise. Life will go on. It always has, and it always will. The difference is that I am choosing to be a part of this new day.
Of course being a person who speaks in metaphors as a way to describe myself, my feelings and emotions, you must understand that I mean the depression, the dark days of my soul, the hiding, the tossing and turning, all of it is near to an end. At least for this season. There is hope now, where none was fathomable before. There is peace in giving up things that I couldn't before.
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So then what in this life have I clung to, that is the pattern of this world? Oh so much.
I think when I am able to remove some of these layers, I will truly find life.
So pray for me, as I pick my priorities, define my essence, search for what God desires of me, transform and renew my mind, lose my life to save it.
My Priorities: relationships with 1. God 2. Husband 3. Jeramy 4. Family 5. Friends 6. people who have potential to be family or friends. (I think that covers everyone!)
Its that simple. Life is about living. Not about where, or how, or what you drive. Its that you are loving while you go about it.
And I love how the birds chirp before dawn, even when it keeps me up. It lets me know that a new day approaches, and the possibilities are endless.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now...
Ever wake up with a song in your head?
get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas
I woke up with Katy Perry in my head. Have to admit the song is catchy, but I always wrote it off before. I have never been to Vegas, its not my thing. I don't like to gamble. I did consider moving there because its a 24 hour kinda place, but decided against it.
Something told me to pay attention.
You see, God sometimes uses the weirdest things to get my attention. It can be a song, a tv show, a book, a person, or just a bird in the sky.
If you have read the posts in the past, you are caught up on my story. I was getting ready to live again.
Out of my blind spot I got hit. Cramping and pain on my way to work after I got to hug Cassie. When I had a chance to check, there was blood. This was pretty darn painful, worse than normal. I freaked out and called the doc.
The next day wasn't so bad, but I went anyway. The urine came back "faintly positive" for pregnancy. They drew blood. Three options possible: I was pregnant and the baby was growing, I was miscarrying, or it was just stress.
I knew Sunday for sure I was miscarrying. The pain was horrific, worse than before. I grit my teeth, and hung on, and I told my mother in law. I needed that, it felt nice to have her. Monday the call came in positive, and I followed up with a blood test that day which said the levels had dropped. Early miscarriage confirmed.
Three strikes you're out.
That's what it takes to be considered having issues. Wikipedia let me know that sometimes it could be a number of things, and to be honest, the odds are stacked against me. Hypothyroid and stress, stress, stress. Not to mention the large number of medications I take and my BMI isn't what one would call healthy. I am at the heaviest I have ever been my whole life right now.
It wasn't the right time, and I didn't even know.
Sometimes the hardest things are blessings in disguise. I know right now is not a good time for me, and I thank God for that. But still I had to mourn. Still I got knocked down.
So when I woke up with get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas in my head. I knew it was time.
Good thing I had therapy. I talked it out, I went through my doubts and fears. I have no problem opening up to my therapist, and he helps me feel safe, and corrects my wrong thinking. But also, he lets me feel. He lets me know that what I feel is okay, but I don't have to stay there. And I walked out ready to shake off the glitter, to leave Las Vegas.
Vegas is just a metaphor for me, see I have never been there. My therapist understands how I use deep metaphors, and he actually loves it. He gets me and the way I think. He gets that I think in pictures, stories and metaphors.
But there is more. Shut up and put your money where your mouth is is the other line in the song. That means quit talking and start doing. Quit talking about living life and actually live it. Quit dreaming, quit fantasizing, and quit putting yourself down. Quit living in this fantasy world where everything is perfect. Shut up. Just do it. You talk a big game, but let me see you lay down your money, your life, your pride.
So I called and booked lunch with my good friend for my birthday on Monday. I shook the glitter off my clothes and had a good day at work. People wondered where the energy came from. (Of course I started taking a B vitamin complex- I am sure that helps)
I have to pick two things each day to work on for just 10 minutes. Yesterday I took a hot bath to soak my sore muscles and started this blog entry. Today I finished it. Writing is therapeutic. Especially if it helps you get a song out of your head and put it into action.
get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas
I woke up with Katy Perry in my head. Have to admit the song is catchy, but I always wrote it off before. I have never been to Vegas, its not my thing. I don't like to gamble. I did consider moving there because its a 24 hour kinda place, but decided against it.
Something told me to pay attention.
You see, God sometimes uses the weirdest things to get my attention. It can be a song, a tv show, a book, a person, or just a bird in the sky.
If you have read the posts in the past, you are caught up on my story. I was getting ready to live again.
Out of my blind spot I got hit. Cramping and pain on my way to work after I got to hug Cassie. When I had a chance to check, there was blood. This was pretty darn painful, worse than normal. I freaked out and called the doc.
The next day wasn't so bad, but I went anyway. The urine came back "faintly positive" for pregnancy. They drew blood. Three options possible: I was pregnant and the baby was growing, I was miscarrying, or it was just stress.
I knew Sunday for sure I was miscarrying. The pain was horrific, worse than before. I grit my teeth, and hung on, and I told my mother in law. I needed that, it felt nice to have her. Monday the call came in positive, and I followed up with a blood test that day which said the levels had dropped. Early miscarriage confirmed.
Three strikes you're out.
That's what it takes to be considered having issues. Wikipedia let me know that sometimes it could be a number of things, and to be honest, the odds are stacked against me. Hypothyroid and stress, stress, stress. Not to mention the large number of medications I take and my BMI isn't what one would call healthy. I am at the heaviest I have ever been my whole life right now.
It wasn't the right time, and I didn't even know.
Sometimes the hardest things are blessings in disguise. I know right now is not a good time for me, and I thank God for that. But still I had to mourn. Still I got knocked down.
So when I woke up with get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas in my head. I knew it was time.
Good thing I had therapy. I talked it out, I went through my doubts and fears. I have no problem opening up to my therapist, and he helps me feel safe, and corrects my wrong thinking. But also, he lets me feel. He lets me know that what I feel is okay, but I don't have to stay there. And I walked out ready to shake off the glitter, to leave Las Vegas.
Vegas is just a metaphor for me, see I have never been there. My therapist understands how I use deep metaphors, and he actually loves it. He gets me and the way I think. He gets that I think in pictures, stories and metaphors.
But there is more. Shut up and put your money where your mouth is is the other line in the song. That means quit talking and start doing. Quit talking about living life and actually live it. Quit dreaming, quit fantasizing, and quit putting yourself down. Quit living in this fantasy world where everything is perfect. Shut up. Just do it. You talk a big game, but let me see you lay down your money, your life, your pride.
So I called and booked lunch with my good friend for my birthday on Monday. I shook the glitter off my clothes and had a good day at work. People wondered where the energy came from. (Of course I started taking a B vitamin complex- I am sure that helps)
I have to pick two things each day to work on for just 10 minutes. Yesterday I took a hot bath to soak my sore muscles and started this blog entry. Today I finished it. Writing is therapeutic. Especially if it helps you get a song out of your head and put it into action.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I'm melting!!! Melting!!! (aka: turning into a liquid)
Dave Gibbons tells a bit of his story as the book progresses, about how he had this huge church in the OC with lots of attenders yet he was missing the presence of God until he went to Thailand. I love his honesty here.
I started to read things that I knew would be uber challenging to the majority of church attenders, even the majority of pastors in the United States. Yet they were things that have been deep inside of me for sometime, even before I read the Bible. I knew that what he was writing was the truth because it almost seemed ingrained into my soul. I don't know how to describe it other than these things have been on my heart.
What things you ask? Well, that being a Christian isn't about being comfortable and catering to other middle-class suburban folk. Its about loving, and embracing those people that make you uncomfortable. Oh how different the church would be if we actually could love our neighbor (and he also explains all of that!)
Third-culture is the term used here, but what that really means is accepting culture. I accept and embrace your culture without trying to change it. Different, right? Radical love. Kind of, okay, well exactly like the ministry that Jesus ran when he was on the earth, hanging out with lepers, prostitutes and slimy tax collectors, not the safe folks in the synagogue.
I love how Gibbons weaves the Bible stories right in to support his claims and beliefs. I love how he boldly states just exactly how he feels, and his hope for the Church. I have finished chapter 3, and look forward to diving more deeply into this manifesto for change, and mostly applying it to my life. I wish to be a monkey no more.
Being a liquid leader is in the subtitle, which is why I said I am melting. A liquid takes the shape of the object that holds it, so you think about that for a little bit and chew hard.
I have to leave you with this quote, because if I could write a statement off of my heart even before I read this book, I would write this one from page 83:
This is the type of church and kingdom I want to be a part of -- a band of people who are messy, have addictions and shortcomings, make mistakes, get rejected, and are screwed up, but are so fully aware of the Master's grace and love for them in spite of who they are or once were or will be someday; people who embrace discomfort knowing there is so much to be gained for all of us and for all of our churches. How? In passionately pursing a biblical love for those whom the Bible defines as a neighbor.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Monkey and the Fish
So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.
I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.
Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.
A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.
A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.
- An Eastern Parable
My heart heart still sinks reading this.
I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.
Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.
Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed
Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.
God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.
I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.
But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.
Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.
It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.
Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."
It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.
I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.
So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.
My Story Story
I had a tremendous opportunity to attend a pretty awesome Christian conference called Story on October 28th. For FREE!!! I got hooked up to serve at the conference at registration. After registration, we were free to attend the conference. I was psyched, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit Storychicago.com.
This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.
I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.
I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.
I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.
I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.
And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.
This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.
I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.
I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.
some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.
This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.
I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.
I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.
I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.
I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.
And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.
This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.
I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.
I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.
some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Commitment
The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.
Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.
What does it mean to make a commitment to God?
See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?
When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"
Sounds like I am being selfish.
God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.
So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?
By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.
Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.
What is so scary for me?
I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.
God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.
Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.
This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)
Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.
What are you gonna commit to?
Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.
What does it mean to make a commitment to God?
See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?
When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"
Sounds like I am being selfish.
God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.
So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?
By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.
Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.
What is so scary for me?
I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.
God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.
Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.
This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)
Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.
What are you gonna commit to?
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Catching up on the things in my head
I love being a mother, spending time with Jeramy and watching him grow up is awesome. What might be even more awesome however, is listening to his dad talk about being a father. That fills me with so much joy. I am really proud of my husband for all he does and how well he does it. He can boast in his son now, which fills a deep spot in both of us, and we love it.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
Speaking of my husband, I am so proud of his accomplishments at work. It is like I finally get to watch him become what I knew he could be all of this time. He found a job that takes his skills and allows him to use them to the maximum capacity, and the best is yet to come.
I am loving spending time with Cassie. Its a toss up because I feel more like her big sister than her mom, which is a good thing. Yesterday we had short time together shopping, and then later painting our nails. There is an awesome young woman in there just waiting to blossom, and I cannot wait to see what happens next with her.
As far as God goes, man is he moving. I keep describing it to people like this: I see him as the master weaver pulling all these threads out in front of me, and I cannot wait to see how he is going to weave them all together! I got to meet an author whose work has moved me, and BAM is she reminding me and inspiring me yet again. I cannot just sit here when God so clearly wants me to write and do stuff. And I feel so out of practice because I am. Even if its just dumb ole blogging or plain ole journaling, God wants me to get at it again. I have a story to tell, or many stories to tell. Oh, and I am a speaker too. I don't say this to boast, I am saying this because God is showing this to me. I have the capacity to reach people with my words so I gotta get crackin on those words. And slowly but surely, I am feeling called to lead leaders. Weird thing. It is like I see all these leaders stuck in a place where they are comfortable, but not really going anywhere, and if they don't reproduce and if they don't move and change, they will be left behind.
Some people just don't have the capacity to move on, and some do.
I think I want to write about caterpillars and butterflies. I think I want to write about faith and my journey. I think I want to write about freedom, true freedom, freedom to be whom God created you to be- something wonderful, and fantastic.
I have a friend who is following God and getting married this weekend. I have a friend who ran away from God and got married and is using him to justify his selfish actions. I have a friend who is curious and open about God but afraid to get hurt. I have a friend who loves God but is stuck on Sundays.
Whomever you are, where ever you are, I love you dearly and am praying for you to realize just how awesome you can be.
I am praying that I get moving on the chains that are holding me back instead of ignoring them like they will go away, because they won't.
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