Love wins

It's a big world, we are hoping, For a big change, we are broken. In the fading light of a dying sun, We cry for redemption.  There is hope, there is hope, there is hope- that everyone who's lost will be coming home. And everything that hurts will be whole again. And love will be the last thing standing. Can't stop, you can't stop the seasons- Don't stop, don't stop believing!

Keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change.Believe in the end, love wins. If you're waiting for the time when your sun will shine-Oh, look above cause love wins.

If it hurts you, just breathe in. When it pains you, just believe in The radiant light of the morning sun We can find our redemption. Love is strong, love is strong, love is strong. It's been there holding you all along. Everything thrown away will be new again And love will be the last thing standing.

There is hope, there is hope for my lonely soul
There is hope, there is hope to be made whole
There is life, there is life to be set free
There is life there is life surrounding me
There is hope, there is hope for my broken heart
There is hope, there is hope for a brand new start
There is life, there is life give me eyes to see
There is life, there is life you have captured me

(Robbie Seay Band)

Love Hurts- (but sometimes its a good hurt)

I have been faithfully reading Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  Today's entry is about love hurting.  That Jesus hurts.  You can't be adversely affected by Christ without feeling hurt.  I want to expand on it, work it out, journal it, whatever. 

You see, Jesus calls you to change.  To die.  To die to yourself.  And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts.  Jesus is truth, is light.  The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away.  The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself.  Jesus asks one question to prove us.  "Do you love me?"

Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer.  Many people say that they love Jesus.  In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times.  Why three?  Because he denies him thrice?  All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings.  Yes the second time to confirm my feelings.  And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth. 

What does it mean to love Jesus?  I mean to truly love Jesus.

Let's look at die hard sports fans.  I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves.  Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts.  They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio.  Everyone would know that they loved that team.  Some might even get in fights over them. 

I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs.  I own a shirt or two, watch a few games.  But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere.  They buy season tickets.  I would call those people two yes folks.

What would make the third yes?  Stepping out onto the field and playing.  Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams.  But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church.  Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest.  You don't have to be Billy Graham.  You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team.  What does that mean? 

Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure.  That was before he knew.  Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God.  But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected.  He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment.  When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore. 

I often can picture myself doing this.  Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea.  Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary.  Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear.  But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior.  It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus.  Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.

Of course Jesus was more than welcoming.  Peter then became the third yes type.  You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing.  Why?  Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought.  Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on.  Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel. 

Not all of us are called to leave our jobs.  Not all of us are called to travel around the world.  Yet we are all called to follow Him.  To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection.  Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people.  They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk.  But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer.  If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot.  Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing.  There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger.  There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing. 

People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life.  Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker.  Are you in?  Do you play the game?  Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?

Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature.  We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord.  Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do.  And oh yeah, you have to die daily.  Every single day is a choice.  Every single day you need to chose whom you serve.  Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.

And I ain't saying I am perfect in this.  I struggle every single day.  Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day.  Love hurts.  But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there.  Without his love, I won't survive.

Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now...

Ever wake up with a song in your head? 

get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas

I woke up with Katy Perry in my head.  Have to admit the song is catchy, but I always wrote it off before.  I have never been to Vegas, its not my thing.  I don't like to gamble.  I did consider moving there because its a 24 hour kinda place, but decided against it.

Something told me to pay attention.

You see, God sometimes uses the weirdest things to get my attention.  It can be a song, a tv show, a book, a person, or just a bird in the sky. 

If you have read the posts in the past, you are caught up on my story.  I was getting ready to live again.

Out of my blind spot I got hit.  Cramping and pain on my way to work after I got to hug Cassie.  When I had a chance to check, there was blood.  This was pretty darn painful, worse than normal.  I freaked out and called the doc. 

The next day wasn't so bad, but I went anyway.  The urine came back "faintly positive" for pregnancy.  They drew blood.  Three options possible: I was pregnant and the baby was growing, I was miscarrying, or it was just stress.

I knew Sunday for sure I was miscarrying.  The pain was horrific, worse than before.  I grit my teeth, and hung on, and I told my mother in law.  I needed that, it felt nice to have her.  Monday the call came in positive, and I followed up with a blood test that day which said the levels had dropped.  Early miscarriage confirmed.

Three strikes you're out.

That's what it takes to be considered having issues.  Wikipedia let me know that sometimes it could be a number of things, and to be honest, the odds are stacked against me.  Hypothyroid and stress, stress, stress.  Not to mention the large number of medications I take and my BMI isn't what one would call healthy. I am at the heaviest I have ever been my whole life right now.

It wasn't the right time, and I didn't even know.

Sometimes the hardest things are blessings in disguise.  I know right now is not a good time for me, and I thank God for that.  But still I had to mourn.  Still I got knocked down.

So when I woke up with get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now, that's what you get for waking up in Vegas in my head.  I knew it was time.

Good thing I had therapy.  I talked it out, I went through my doubts and fears.  I have no problem opening up to my therapist, and he helps me feel safe, and corrects my wrong thinking.  But also, he lets me feel.  He lets me know that what I feel is okay, but I don't have to stay there.  And I walked out ready to shake off the glitter, to leave Las Vegas.

Vegas is just a metaphor for me, see I have never been there.  My therapist understands how I use deep metaphors, and he actually loves it.  He gets me and the way I think.  He gets that I think in pictures, stories and metaphors. 

But there is more.  Shut up and put your money where your mouth is is the other line in the song.  That means quit talking and start doing.  Quit talking about living life and actually live it.  Quit dreaming, quit fantasizing, and quit putting yourself down.  Quit living in this fantasy world where everything is perfect.  Shut up.  Just do it.  You talk a big game, but let me see you lay down your money, your life, your pride.

So I called and booked lunch with my good friend for my birthday on Monday.  I shook the glitter off my clothes and had a good day at work.  People wondered where the energy came from.  (Of course I started taking a B vitamin complex- I am sure that helps)

I have to pick two things each day to work on for just 10 minutes.  Yesterday I took a hot bath to soak my sore muscles and started this blog entry.  Today I finished it.  Writing is therapeutic.  Especially if it helps you get a song out of your head and put it into action.

Some more random things about me

30. I met Bo Jackson at a Sox convention that my friend Chris dragged me to. The whole excruciating experience and the long, long lines were worth it when Bo told me I have a beautiful smile. Bo knows ladies too.

31. I once was stranded in Mexico with no money. True story. Friday before we were supposed to leave, I went on a horseback ride. About half way home my horse (whose name was slang for "coke-head") decided to go into a gallop and being an inexperienced horse woman, I was not ready and fell off. When we got back to the ranch, my bag was missing. My bag had among other things: my room key, my last 50 pesos, and my ID! The airport would not let me fly back to O'Hare fearing a huge fine. The rest is another story for another day.

32. The very first crush I remember having was on Kenny Rodgers. When I found out he had plastic surgery and saw the results, I was very, very sad.

33. I was in a relationship with a guy for 8 1/2 years. We were engaged, and passed the wedding date, thank God.

34. I cried more when I lost my following May-September romance. That really broke my heart.

35. I have bit my nails as long as I can remember. My parents tried everything short of removing my hands to get me to stop. I still bite them, especially in the movies.

36. I have been a Cubs fan since I can remember and had a crush on/my favorite player was Ryne Sandberg. It wasn't until many years later that I found out my whole family are Sox fans, and we only watched Cub games while I was growing up because they were on TV. I am the black sheep in my family!

37. I hate Christmas movies, especially Its a Wonderful Life. No, I won't ever change my mind.

38. I have old matchbox cars that were handed down to me by a friend my parents had when growing up. I used to think they were so cool, now I am not sure if I should sell them or keep them for any future kids.

39. I never ever thought that the place I would most want to be on a Saturday night is a church, but it is! I love being at the Yellow Box and "doing church"! I spent 5+ hours at church Saturday night and still had to come back Sunday so I could attend service!

40. I find it easier to give things and love away than to accept things and love. Working on that.

41. I missed coffee, beer, and wine when I was pregnant, but mostly coffee. The upside to a miscarriage is you can have all three way sooner than you thought!

42. Legalists have kept me "away" from God for a long time. Yet the closer I get to Him, the more I want to obey Him. I try to remember this when I minister to others.

43. I was a smoker for many years, and the abnoxious non-smokers made me NOT want to quit. I try to remember this when walking past smokers outside.

44. If money were no object, I would buy a great camera, a great computer, and great programs to edit. Also likely video as well. I love photography, and while I would never make money doing it, I enjoy it. I like to find the beauty in people in things.

45. I am truly torn, I want/need a new computer (Mac) for me and (PC) my husband, a Tivo type device, and wi-fi for our new laptops. But, I don't want to add to our debt, and with a court case ongoing, I don't see anyway we can do this. That and I am trying to store treasures in heaven, chase the Almighty, not the almighty dolla'.

46. I found out that the house I was considering buying is back on the market but there is no way we could make enough money selling this place to move. I want to live closer to the Box, but I think God is keeping me here for a while on purpose.

47. How come the sermon series is about money just when money issues start attacking me? God, thanks for reminding me what is important! Actually Dave says the sermon always relates to his life. He has asked that he be warned if they are ever preaching on murder.

48. My dream is to one day be debt free and actually live within budget while still being able to give money/things away to people who have less. With this court case, it seems like it will be decades before we pay off the money we owe.

Friends and fulfillment

This is the time of year for new friends and old. The time when magic seems to be in the air to those who are open to the possibility.

I have a friend that I read her blog, we have had only a few conversations, have never hung out, yet for some reason we have a deep love for each other. I made the leap and introduced myself to her a while back, and we have exchanged a few emails. Our hearts are similar. I think we have an understanding that goes beyond basic things. That is the awesomeness of being a part of something bigger than you. That is the awesomeness of being in the body of Christ.

I have a friend that I just met about 3 months ago. By just being me, I have put into her enough that she has called me her role-model. I don't say this to boast, I say this to boast in Christ in me. You see, I am a shy person, and pretty selfish. It's God who makes me reach out and care. She told me she loves me, and it took me a while to accept it. But she said it when I needed it. Today, when she saw me, she cried. She cried because she knew the good news and just got a chance to congratulate me.

I have a friend that I grew up with. She was practically my sister. I used to think that I don't have friends that I grew up with, but I was excluding family. You see, this friend is my cousin. Her and I also have an understanding deeper than words, and its been neat as she has moved away and gotten married just how much our relationship has grown. She has been more encouraging to me by simple email and messages than she knows. I can't wait to see her for Christmas.

I have another friend that is old enough to be my mom. She is more like my role model, it was another woman that I introduced myself to and told her that I thought she was beautiful. She has since poured herself and her heart into me, and it has meant more to me to have someone to look up to, and get feedback, both positive and negative, that I need. Yet I never feel bad about it, she doesn't ever put me down. She has always believed in me.

Probably one of the most endearing friendships is my aunt. I get a bit of satisfaction when looking for a mom, yet she treats me like an adult, something my mom never really did. I can't really describe it, yet she blows my mind every time. And it has been amazing watching her grow and develop. She is very, very, dear to me, more like an older sister than an aunt.

Then there is this friend that is my sister, by blood and faith. There was a period in my life that we did not get along, and I wanted something from her that she could not give me. Things changed. Mom got sick, or sicker, and Megan came down. Something happened in the pain, I grew to know her, I grew to know my mom more, I grew to know Christ. And a relationship was healed. My sister is so dear to me, and I truly enjoy talking with her, praying with her, praying for her. When we get together, its as if no time has passed. I am so proud of her. She has been an inspiration to me. And though we don't always agree on everything, we love each other for our differences. She is awesome, and I can't wait to see what she is going to accomplish.

I also have this one friend, Shelley. You see, I think we became friends because we have the same name, spelled the same way. I haven't seen her in forever until last night. Yet we keep up with each other in an odd sort of way. And watching her grow up is amazing. She is turning into such a fine young woman.

Facebook may seem like stalking sometimes, but I like to check in on my friends. I like to read their blogs, find out what is going on in their lives. I work when most people are home, its hard for me to "hang out." I have also been able to make more friends because I just talk to them online. Its kind of weird.

Three friends I haven't met in person that I enjoy I met by following links and clicks. One is out in Kentucky and involved with the Crossings church (its a New Thing church.) He sent me a t-shirt once because I wanted one. I wore it, photographed it, and blogged it. I think I started following his blog as a link off of someone else's that I don't read anymore, but I can't remember. I hope to visit him and his family with my family one day (and of course visit Crossings.) The other is a lady I met by looking at friends of friends on Twitter. Then you follow their links and find blogs. Then you read the blog, identify, and send a message. BAM, suddenly you are friends on twitter and facebook. We will meet one day soon. The last is a lady out east that works her buns off. She is a delightful writer and photographer, and I truly look forward to her blogs. We have prayed for each other often. One day, I hope to make it out there, but you never know.

One of my best friends I met because she was my mom's friends daughter. We both loved reading and Anne of Green Gables and found out we were born 6 months apart. Suddenly we were kindred spirits and making oaths to be friends "as long as the sun and the moon shall endure." We have been pen-pals for years, until the advent of email. I can count the times I have actually been with her on my hands. She showed up for my wedding, and was probably the best non-bridesmaid bridesmaid a woman could want. The wedding would not have been the same without you girl! She now has a baby boy, and I can't wait to visit her again soon. I know no matter how many years go by, we will always be endeared to each other.

If I didn't mention you, don't take it personally. These are just a few leaves on my friendship tree. Kind of odd stories that my heart chose to share today. There are a ton of other people on my heart right now, some even I don't even know where they live anymore. Know this, I love you dearly and wish the best for you.

I am just so thankfull for all of my friends, old and new, far and near. Sometimes you just need to remember them, and this is one of those times. It fills my soul.

I also have to thank Epic Theatre Company for putting on Let It Be Christmas. It touched my soul in deep, deep places. It reminded me of a time when I had a dream, that "all you need is love." Only to find out that I still have that dream. My mom was cheering you on from heaven!

And cheesy as it is, thanks to Jesus for being my friend.

Much

1. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Trouble (Caedemons Call) H.I. larious

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Closer (Jars of Clay) cool, its a song about getting closer to God...

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What I want (Daughtry)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sing to the Lord (Hillsong) this is getting creepy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Home (Daughtry) Yes! I'm going home!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful, Scandalous Night (Robbie Seay Band) also creepy accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Sovereign Hands (Hillsong United) God has those.

WHAT IS 2+2?
You Thought (Skillet) this is the most appropriate ever

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Blessed be your Name (Tree 63) oddly I think of this as his song

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Alive Forever, Amen! (Warren Barfield) Hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Conversation (David Crowder Band) oddly enough, I thought I deleted it because its a phone call, not a song.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Grace (Phil Wickham)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You are my hope (Skillet) have already determined the "person I like" is Jesus....

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stars (David Crowder Band) if you listen to this song, and know my self-appointed nickname as a kid was Starr... its getting eerie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
King of Glory (Josh Bates) enough said.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Song to the King (Pocket full of Rocks) AMEN!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where We Gonna Go From Here (Mat Kearney) Dave Ferguson would call this "What's Next?"

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Bow Down (Chris Tomlin) hey, that is not a bad secret, is it?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin) now how could they not be?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Arms of Love (Kutless) if that is the worse thing that could happen, falling into the arms of Jesus, I think I am set for life...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Everlasting God (Lincoln Brewster) strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord! So, I die waiting?

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Let Love In (Goo Goo Dolls) owning a song by the Goo Goo Dolls?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fuego de Dios (Fire Fall Down) ((Hillsong United)) yes, spanish cracks me up

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
If I have not Love (Matt Redmond) this is the most accurate meme ever!

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Praise Awaits You (Matt Redman) interesting, already married... so must be to Jesus.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Love the Lord (Lincoln Brewster) you know, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength....

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pure Light (Matt Redman) guess God does

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Uncreated One (Chris Tomlin) how do you change that?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Majesty (Matt Redman) this makes sense...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Much (Ten Shekel Shirt)

I really needed a laugh

You have to watch all the way to the end.

Thank God for a sense of humor.

When I had just about given up...

Saturday was near disastrous for me. I was scared, I had looked at my future and took no consideration to my past. In other words, I was trying to plan ahead of God. All too often I tend to put the cart before the horse. Here I go, acting like Peter, I took my eyes off my Jesus and noticed the storm... and nearly drown.

I cried all the way to church. Dave was already there, and of course I was running late. Too late for the first service. Wearing my sunglasses and trying to ignore the people who wanted to greet me with love, I ran upstairs to the prayer room. I got down on my knees, burying myself into the soft cushion of the chair and cried, I cried hard. I cried out to God. I prayed, sat down on the floor to journal, pulling out a framed verse of scripture for inspiration. Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Then the Bible called to me. I looked where it was open to... Acts, no, not where God wants me to read. I looked at the two ribbon places. Somehow I ended up in Exodus, even though I have been reading it at home, it called to me here. 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

I gained peace and headed downstairs. Lots of people were there who wanted to say hi to me, who love me. Its all still quite fuzzy, but I remember moments of clarity. Pearl and Gigi, and then Shawn. Scott and Rich, Preston all needed to say hi. I got myself a frozen hot chocolate, and ended up having a conversation with Eric in front of the fireplace. I keep forgetting how he baptized me, and how we are quite similar. Every time we talk, I get a nugget of wisdom from him, confirmation of the Lord's word. He doesn't know me very well, but he knows my passion for leadership, and it helped us connect.

Service lets out, and there are tons of people to meet and greet. Robin came and told me how she reads my blog, and she loves it. It felt so awesome to know. I also remembered how far back her and I had gone, and how far both of us had come in that moment. How proud I am of her, and glad we still run into each other every once and a while. Her smile and hug and words were precious to me. Mike and Kimberly prayed with me, and it rocked.

I waited in anxious anticipation for Troy and Janet to be free. You see, they were up visiting from KC, and I have been following and supporting their church plant. I forgot I was actually wearing the Restore t-shirt under my hoodie. I was crying in happiness and sadness, trying to hold back tears, waiting to tell them how proud of them I was. Janet had words for me that made me remember why I do love her so much, she is a woman so close to God's heart, and oh how it blesses me.

I went into service, and saw Kathy, she is another awesome woman. Beth came and sat by me. I was surrounded by love, and then Shawn Williams came up and talked about Jesus. The service was written just for me. The moments of worship were just for me. I cried during Hosanna, (Lord save us we pray, I need a savior. Thanks to Bublitz for being a great leader and to Carrie for having the voice of an angel.) I can't help it if David Crowder songs always get me, but they do because they get me. They go deep into me with their words and intelligence and meaning. from wherever spring arrives, to heal the ground. from wherever searching comes the look itself, a taste of what we're looking for, so be quiet now, and wait. I left service with peace in my heart.

Dave told me later that he had TJ checking on me from his eye in the sky position. How romantic. We had a great evening downtown Naperville, good date night. You don't need details, except Ted's Montana Grill is a great place to get us a gift certificate if you need to know that.

Sunday we slept in. I woke up with sunshine and joy in my heart. Small group rocked, then we headed to the box to CONTRIBUTE by doing what I call "last impressions," tearing down the gym. It felt good to serve, I pumped up the iPod, danced and worshiped while stacking chairs. You should try it, really it's fun. Ask Dave, he's on the set-up/tear-down committee, he can hook you up. We went to dinner and then thanks to Dock, a haunted house. (www.hotelmassacre.com if you like those sort of things)

Today I was not going to post my weigh in. I was just going to say fu-git-a-but-it. Then I open my e-mail.

Hi Shelley!

Thought I'd get a VERY early jump on things this week. No change in my weight, but I guess that's a really good thing considering we had a tailgate this weekend! Of course, I still have a bit of that sinus cold which is making me not so hungry, but also preventing me from working out. So here's the stats:

Last week: 157lbs.
This week: 157 lbs.
Total weight lost: 36 lbs.

I'm making a mini goal at 153 lbs, for a total of 40 lbs lost. If I maintain at that, I'll be pretty happy. If I lose a little more (say 10 pounds more), hooray for me and I'll be the same weight I was in high school. But, for now, I'm happy fitting in the same pants/dress size!

Hope your week was at least as good as mine, if not better! Keep it up! I know you have A LOT of other things going on and it's hard to think about yourself. BUT, you can't possibly be happy with the world around you, if you are not taking care of yourself, so keep that in mind. Be good to your body and mind :) Remember, working out relieves stress too, so it's a good reason to go to the gym!

Love,
Tammy

That is when I realized that I am not supposed to give up. Nothing, nothing at all. God hasn't given up, my friends and family have not given up, so why should I? I should not give up on anything. Not the littlest thing. So I screwed up, so I doubted myself, my God, my cause, my ability...

Today I woke up, started walking to the bathroom and tripped on my pajama pants. I fell into the wall and sink. I got up, I iced my shoulder, picked up the stuff I knocked off the corner, and went on. I have a sore shoulder, and a broken plastic cup (I don't know how that happened) but I am okay. I got up and did my thing. I was clutzy, I fell, but I got back up again.

Last weigh-in weight: 245.5
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: +1.9
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4

Realistic goal: get to the gym twice this week. That's it. Step by step, one day at a time.
The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm

Change my name, change my name

Beyonce Knowles, formerly of Destiny's Child "Say My Name" fame has decided to change her name. Okay, first of all the name "Beyonce" is equivalent to "Bootylicious." So with the release of her new album, Beyonce is saying "I am... Sasha Fierce." According to the article I read, Sasha Fierce is Beyonce's Naughty Girl alternative personality.

Why would one change her popular name? Or is it all just a promotional act by the record company? Maybe she is just a Beautiful Liar, or perhaps she just understands that R&B stars are not Irreplaceable.

Anyway, Beyonce is always been Jumpin' to me. Secretly I am a Beyonce/Destiny's Child fan. That Independent Woman can pay her Bills. She certainly is Foxxy.

Bet you are jealous now!

Nice way to open your email:

CONGRADULATIONS!

You are this week's INO Newsletter Winner! Thanks for your love for our artists! Coming to you shortly is a copy of the latest albums from P.O.D., Decyfer Down, and Disciple! Also, don't hesitate to jump on www.freeccm.com for this month’s free downloads.

Thanks Again!!

Wait Patiently for the Lord

I used to think I was patient. Now I know I am not.

Somehow I knew that when I read that last passage in Psalm 27 that God would be stretching me.

I have been waiting for August 20th as a resolution of the past almost year of waiting. It seems as if I will have to wait for two more months. Making it a whole year of being "pregnant."

While yesterday I seemed upset, and I was, today I am finding peace in it. See, God is working behind the scenes, and I am trusting in HIM. I know it is going to work out.

In the meantime, I am building my marriage, my family, my heart for whatever it is God is putting on my plate. I am trusting in you God. I read in 1 Corinthians 13 today. The difference today was I am reading through The Message. After I read "But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." I wrote in my journal this:

Trust steadily in God
Hope unswervingly
Love extravagantly

I want these things to be said of me, and how I lived my life. I am struggling with the steady and am kind of wobbly, but the greatest of these is Love... and I know I have that. God is helping me build up.

BTW, click on the title of this blog for a link to Phil Wickham's blog to download his new acoustic worship album, FREE. It was supposed to be an "Easter Egg" but the album is too awesome for me not to share it! Please check it out!

Why Worship Music is MY Quiet Place

Yesterday I had an awesome one-on-one with my coach. I love how he asks me questions that get me to evaluate my thinking and thoughts and behaviors.

I think I realized how much my quiet time is really, really loud. I said I cannot still my heart for God until I am listening to music. This weekend at the concert, I was alone with God among 10,000+ people. I said that if I go off to the forest preserve, I hear birds, insects, wind, people, and traffic. You know what I do to focus on God? I sing a song in my head! When I am listening to music, all I can hear is God. I look at the sky, or the ceiling and take my focus off the people. I look up to avert my eyes from the world so I can focus on the Lord.

I also see God in other stuff, but I am my most intense, the most quiet in my soul, listening to God the most in the midst of loud music. Maybe it blocks out everything else, maybe its just how I am wired. In heaven, I certainly will be dancing and swirling and doing flips and clapping and raising hands. On Earth, I am doing less jumping, and doing flips, its harsh on this body. I have been suffering much in my low back since Sunday.

Maybe its how I am wired, or how I was raised, or both. Maybe its so I can justify my iPod as a spiritual growth expense, not entertainment. Music means that much to me. I desire to be able to play guitar or drums or sing, but that is not my gift. I can try, but my voice when I sing is for God alone, and if everyone else hates it, I know my King is delighting in me.

"Everyone needs compassion, A love that's never failing, Let mercy fall on me, Everyone needs forgiveness, A kindness of a Savior, The hope of nations... Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.... Forever, author of salvation, He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave... So take me as You find me, All my fears and failures, Fill my life again, I give my life to follow, Everything I believe in, Now I surrender... Shine your light and let the whole world see, we are singing for the glory of the Risen King. Jesus." -"Mighty to Save" by Hillsong

Thanks to Lisa :) for letting me steal, er borrow her rainbow photo, visit her blog sometime.

Monday--I mean Tuesday Weigh-IN

Last weigh in weight: 239.9
Today's weight: 240.2
Total weight lost: 37.4 lbs.
Weight to lose to mini-goal: 15.2

Ruggy went home last night. Didn't get to say goodbye. I will miss him. I like the idea of a dog who will just lay down next to you. Abby won't. I don't think its possible for her. As a Jack Russell, she is doomed with doggy ADD. Laying still for her only happens when nobody else is doing anything.

The cat had just gotten used to the idea that Rugby would be staying here when he left. We hadn't seen her for a few days except for a few privileged cameo appearances for a nibble of food. She finally came out of her shell only to have Rugby leave. She is still happier that he is gone. So is Abby, because they don't have to compete for attention.

Okay, I will address the weight thing now. I am finding it hard to eat healthier. I indulged and ordered my quesadillas from Chili's and ate the whole plate. I should have packed up half, but no, I didn't. I knew I wouldn't. Dave's folks took us to Buffalo Wild Wings, I got the Buffalo Ranch Wrap, which is boneless fried chicken wings in sauce with ranch dressing, lettuce tomato and flour tortilla. I kept the chips and salsa, which is way better than buffalo chips, but stole like 5 or 6 of Dave's. That was Saturday. Then on Sunday we started off with Jimmy Johns, then at the concert, I had a hot dog and a slice of pizza. Then I had an entire enchilada plate at the taco place. I haven't been getting in my vegetables. (how do you do that at a ball park???) I haven't been eating my fruit even. I want smoothies, I bought frozen strawberries, but need ice and bananas. I shop tonight. Last night I ate Dave's leftover boneless chicken wings and nothing else. No veggies. I did eat a salad at work. With fat -free dressing.

What is stopping me? Me. Today Dave is picking up Portillo's for lunch. I ordered a beef with sweet peppers. Is it better than my two hot dog order, one with everything, one chili dog with?? Of course we will split the fries. I should eat some veggies first, so I don't over do it. I am ready to lose these next 15lbs, but I seem to be waiting at the bus stop. Its like saving money by not eating out... that's not happening here.

My car being in the shop, I have not been able to go to the gym yesterday or today, but I have bad sciatica from the concert on Sunday, so it might be good to rest -- or should I say not push it, until it chills out.

I did do one thing that has motivated me. I went and bought two new bras. It's like I have my boobs back. They were just hanging out, and now I feel like they are showing up and have shape. I went down quite a few sizes, so they are now properly supported. AND I got a "sports" bra as one of them. It was my godsend on Sunday as it kept the moisture off of my boobs. They were like the only thing dry on my body!

Dog Days of Summer

It is hot outside. I love the sun. I shouldn't be in it, with my fair skin.

Today was a big test for Dave, and its over. Results are good. Leaving the hospital, some guy backed into my car and drove off. Great, now I have to call the cops on some handicapped guy and my poor starved, drugged husband has to wait to go home. But it will all be okay, there is some damage to my car, but I have to deal with it. It will not go away if I blink.

This weekend I am gearing up for a concert to spark a revolution, Ignite Chicago, which is gonna rock off my socks! Read about last year here and also here. I just love the chance to worship, especially live with the artists and on a beautiful day. Last year it was perfect, and I am praying for reign but not rain on Sunday!

Pearl comes back from camp just in time. I really had wanted Jay to come. But maybe next year. Ticket goes to Pearl instead, yeah Pearl!

The weekends are going by so fast, hopefully I will feel that way when its time to go out west. I am just going nuts not writing about it on the blog. I am so sad, and I miss him so much. Soon enough, being patient ... or trying.

Actually, I think the opposite

I think Jesus has a sense of humor. I think Jesus would think this is funny. Made me laugh, and I love Christ.

Sadly this picture of Christ is how most people think of him, clean, beautiful, covered up.

NO! Jesus was beaten, whipped, bruised, naked, spit upon, likely covered in his own waste. When people were crucified, it was the worst punishment one could endure. And, Jesus endured the beating of Roman soldiers before they even hung him up!

Anyway, YMCA.... makes me laugh... especially how the last guy, the A, looks like a ballerina.

What do you mean I forgot?

I guess I forgot to post about my weigh in this week.

OOPS!

Yeah, I showed up late, when the meeting was over. It was Tuesday, because Monday I was in Oakbrook for work. Anywho, there was three ladies in the lobby area chatting, I "know" one of them. By "know", I mean I had seen her in a meeting before and exchanged pleasantries.

So when I found out that I lost 5 pounds, she came over and gave me a high five. And, when I said that means I hit my 10% weight loss goal (ten percent of my original body weight) she gave me another high five. It was great.

So I have earned my keychain. Weight Watchers gives you a keychain in the shape of the number 10 when you hit that first goal. And so I have lost a total of 27 lbs. If you do the math, I won't stop you, you can figure out about what I weighed when I joined. Add 7 lbs. So technically I have .7lbs left to lose. But the meetings round stuff off. And so it is.

Personally, I have decided that if I can keep it off I have earned my iPod.

OOH, what type are you gonna get? Well, I have decided to get the nano because it is light enough for me to work out with, and now they have 8Meg ones, and blue!

Studies have shown that people who exercise to music lose more weight, because they enjoy their workouts more. I tend to agree. While I do workout a lot with my husband, I am straining to hear the music in the background at the gym. It gets me through the rough times and helps me to set a rhythm.

That, and I will have the iPod for my plane trip coming up which will totally help me to survive. I have downloaded several sermons from different churches, different pastors that I follow. (Perry Noble is my favorite, and he has a southern accent making it more fun to listen to. He recently has done a "Man Series" that was phenomenal.)

Well, I have totally gotten off subject, so I better go. I will update you soon with the next weigh in!

Weighed in! (week 3)

I lost one dog, I mean one pound this week. Total of 9.2 lbs since I started. Yeah me! I was upset it was only one, but then I remembered something crucial:

I didn't gain anything!

Slowly but surely, this thing takes time... I will do it healthily. I am learning how to eat healthy. To live healthy. To feel healthy. To claim back my life that God has given me.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

I was so annoyed we sang that song twice in service. I should have been paying attention. God speaks to me every day, I just need to open my ears and listen.

You are the Everlasting God... The Everlasting God... The Everlasting!!!!!

2007 Year in Review

Wow, just looking back on Blogger for my entries over the past year... I am amazed at two major points... I was sick an awful lot, and the fact that God has really been sculpting me this year, its so awesome to see it happen. Here are some highlights:

1. I got married. It was probably the best event ever in my life so far. Thanks to all my friends and family who made it happen. I have the best husband ever.

2. I went on my Honeymoon and finally got to see the Grand Canyon. I felt so tiny in comparison to that. Yet it was really comforting to know that God cares for me, despite my insignificance in the universe. Sedona was also super cool. It was an experience I won't ever forget. Thanks to Dave's folks for the plane tickets and the rides, and Dave's brother for the house. And thanks to all the friends and family for all the cash gifts at our wedding, we couldn't have enjoyed our honeymoon without your generosity.

3. I got to wear a suit at work. This is odd for a person who wears pajamas (scrubs.) I will be doing this again in '08!

4. I changed my schedule. God put it in my heart to do so, and so I have, and it has literally changed my life. I enjoy being a part of Celebrate the Journey EVERY Tuesday.

5. My cousin Tammy got married! I was a first time bridesmaid. It was a fun wedding, Tammy glowed! Oh and I like her husband too! I will miss them when they move to Indy in the early spring.

6. Mom was laid to rest. On the one year anniversary of her passing (07-07-07) we scattered her ashes into Lake Michigan, and then went swimming! It was so awesome, and freeing. I love you Mom, see you when I get there.

7. Ignite Chicago! I got to see my two favoritest bands in concert! Tree 63 and David Crowder! It was fun, and my sister adopted a child.

8. Babies! A good friend announced that she was pregnant. Also several people at work are also pregnant, or were and now have babies!

9. I gave in and joined Facebook. Be my friend, I need more people to poke, bite, and bomb.

10. The great remodel. We moved into Dad's house for 6 weeks and lets just say I am so glad to be home, so much so we vacationed here.

11. Abby tore a cruciate ligament in her knee, she now limps.

12. We moved back in the house, then had a small fire, lived in a motel for 9 days. Yeah, its was fun, not! Praise God that its all good now.

13. I won the most likely to star in her own reality TV show at work. Funny, my life IS like a reality show.

14. Miss Daisy Mae joined Muffi and Georgie and several others in Doggie Heaven. She was a good dog. She is missed.

15. I gave my testimony. Me, I got up on stage and told intimate details of my life to friends and strangers. It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life, and I did a good job.

16. The thing we haven't made public yet. No, I am not pregnant, but intimate friends know whats up. I pray for a peaceful resolution in '08. I know its redundant putting up something I cannot tell you, but lets just say it is that big and affects me that much.

17. The spare room is occupied. Pray that our friend Paul is able to get on his feet soon.

Happy Old Year to all of you. I have grown more than I could ever imagine, and I have to give God all the glory.

Here's to an even better New Year....

Today is the day!

Yep, today Dave and I pack up and head back home! There is still a lot of work and cleaning to do, but we will be sleeping in our own bed tonight!

Yeah!

cue music "HOME" by Daughtry...

"I'm going home..."

My first attempt at musical review

Well, I truly love this album, and I truly love Tree 63. I want to review this album for you folks and encourage you to buy it. No, I don't work for them, I am not paid for this. I am just a huge fan of their music. I am writing this without reading anyone else's review, because it always skews my thoughts.

The album starts with the title song, "Sunday." Its a rockin' song with a catchy tune. You may have already heard it on radio stations like KLOVE. Its encouragement through and through. We live in this world and it sucks, Jesus has died, but he will be resurrected, and return in all his glory. This is something to remind us that he HAS been resurrected and that good will always triumph over evil.

The next song is "Becoming." It totally rocks, and makes me want to jump and celebrate. This is the type of song I want to listen to when I am in a good mood and driving down the street. This would also be a great song to play for teens. It is full of energy. I saw these guys do this song live, and you can't help but jump up and down and celebrate! My favorite line "does anybody know that someone else paid" captures the celebratory mood. This song urges us to keep going. The one thing that kinda gets me in a wrong way is the short use of electronic hand claps, which are meant to fill in for real ones, which are much more phenomenal live.

Next in line is "World Undone." I can see this being sung in church. It is just an awesome praise song with promise of healing. Also it talks about how having Christ in your life makes you want to keep going, growing and making the world a better place. Its just a song about rejoicing. Great pace, not too fast, not too slow.

The next song, "Alright" is the one I posted yesterday. It is a slower paced song, but that really makes you listen to the words. I cried the first few times I heard this song. It really ministers to my soul. Many times while growing up I just wanted someone to tell this to me "its all gonna be alright." I know it now and believe it. As humans, we tend to forget this often. God is in control. Good always wins and the sun always rises. Its all gonna be alright. The melody is almost like a lullaby. It just soothes my soul, I don't know how else to say it. I want to make a video for it, but nothing I can do will give it justice.

"Foolishness," the next track, gives me mixed feelings. While I love the lyrics, and the smartness of the song, the background singing is distracting to me. It seems outdated and foolish. I sometimes wonder if it is not intentional.

"There is a Kingdom that Cannot be Shaken" is an awfully long title. This is another song that just gives you a good feeling. It reminds us that heaven is our reward, and God's kingdom exists.

"Almighty Silence" talks about how sometimes we just have nothing to say. Its when we just want to be still and know that HE is Lord. It is also a slower, calming song, really uplifting.

"Walking Home with You" takes up the notch and makes you celebrate with more energy. This song has a catchy tune, and it talks about The Bible, and Jesus sacrifice and that God is always with you. Its a really great song, and I see this being played on the radio.

"Not as this World" gets into deep issues. You can tell there is pain in this world, and the song sings to God "release me!" It just reminds me of many of the Psalms when David cries out for God. This song has true soul. Also knowing that the band is from South Africa, and is 5000 miles from home, it makes this song so personal to the band. I know there are times when God feels so far away and all you want is to go Home. This is that song. Powerful.

The next song is going to be a hit. "New Creation" is catchy and easy to follow. They also performed this song live when I saw them at Ignite Chicago. Great, high energy song that the crowd caught really quickly. We just celebrated because we are new creations. It rocks.

The last track, "The Revolution," is a call to action. A great tune calls you to go out and change the world. Who will feed the hungry if we don't? I really enjoy this song, and its ending just plays so naturally into the beginning of the album, that I start listening to "Sunday" all over again. It just flows that good.

This album rocks, touches your soul, calls you out to be something better than you are now, something God created you to be. It reminds us that God needs us to help Him change the world, but we need Him even more.

You can hear their influences of U2, Coldplay, and the Police and other great rock bands, but John and the guys truly make this their own. This album has a lot of "ohh"s on there, which I happened to notice seems a bit different than their previous albums, but I really like do like the sound of it.

I met these guys, they are so nice and genuine. They really have a passion for God, and it comes out in their music. I love how the guys have put out podcasts on YouTube and iTunes. Make sure you check out their MySpace page, where you can listen to the full version of "Sunday" and also samples from "New Creation," "Becoming," and "World Undone."

So, take my advice, go get the album! Keep an ear out for them, they are gonna be a big hit!