Changes Challenges Choices

I am going through a lot of changes right now. That also means many challenges. I have to re-think my priorities and decide what is important to me.

I have to admit, I have been slipping into a bit of a depression. Sleeping in, or oversleeping, and avoiding things like people and blogging and working out and such. The computer has also been jamming every time I try to load photos.

I am struggling with communicating with my husband, and he is struggling with not getting enough sleep.

I have a little boy at home, and at work I often feel sad about what I am missing by not being there. I have to work. I miss what a lot of people take for granted, evenings with their children.

I am learning about friendships, especially friendships the way God intended. With women. AND, I actually have made steps! I reached out to a few safe ladies, and plans are in the works. The best thing however, was when I wrote a letter to my dear friend who has really been pivotal in my life. I cried like the whole time, as I am sure she did while reading the letter. I think I have learned a lot how un-safe I was, which is why I never had a lot of friends. But, I didn't know any better. I am learning, I am growing by God's grace.

I do get overwhelmed by grace quite often, which is why I have been backing off of God. Its not the right thing to do, but I feel that if I didn't back off I wouldn't be able to function, I would be facedown in tears, not able to do anything. I don't know if I am saying it all the right way, but its my comprehension of it, and I need to talk to someone about it.

So I have choices to make, and I want to choose the best thing. You see, life happens no matter what you do. Choosing nothing is still a choice. I want to choose life. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I believe that living life, and loving others is God's will. Like that song says "its not what you did, its how you live" that's what I mean.

I think I have a phone call to make.

Chewing on some stuff... deep stuff...

Obviously when you are going through stuff, you think a lot. I think that when I think, I get into trouble, so I decided to listen to others talk, hear what they think. I took advantage of some downtime to listen to some podcasts, which are sermons at other churches. (Right now I am checking out Gateway Church. John Burke, who wrote Soul Revolution-- the book about the 60-60 experiment, is a founding pastor there.) God is really talking to me, and wants me to realize a few things.

1. Its not about me. Its not about Dave, its not about anyone. Anyone but God. Its all about God, and what he is doing, and already has done. I should stop fussing about me, and listen to what God is doing.

2. God is already there, he is working now, ahead of me, he has been there before and to think that he would not be with me is ridiculous. I am not fighting this fight, God is. I am just showing up to be obedient.

3. God has to be enough for me. If I expect anymore than that, I am up for disappointment. It cannot be about the outcome. God has it under control. If I come back empty handed, I will be sad, really sad, but I cannot be mad. I have to be willing to come back empty handed. I have to be willing to lose everything.

Now I know that what I just wrote in number 3 made a few of you go "huh?" Let me elaborate in that life is not about things, and it is especially not about things that I cannot control. People are some of the things that I cannot control. God has a handle on them, I cannot change them. Life is about being connected to God, that just that connection is enough for me. Every good thing that comes out of my life has to flow out of that connection to God or it is useless.

That might have just not made sense to you, but I have an eternal view of life, not a short world view. Life on earth here is just the beginning, the "boot camp" for eternity.

So here I go, I am re-starting the 60-60 challenge. Today, right now. Beeping watch and all.
Interested? Join me.

Disciplines.... the RPMS model

Most people understand physical disciplines. They understand that you go to the gym, you eat healthy, you take showers. Sometimes, to work out harder, you change up your workout routine. You jog, or you choose fruit instead of fries. Your body needs to be taken care of to grow properly and to stay healthy. Most people do these things.

Most people don't understand spiritual disciplines. You see, in order to grow spiritually, or to stay spiritually healthy, one must practice spiritual disciplines. There are several things that you can do to "exercize" your spirit, or to keep your spirit "clean." If you are wondering why you just don't feel close to God, or why the spiritual things in your life seem thin, it might be because you are not practicing spiritual disciplines, keeping your spirit happy, healthy, and clean.

Just as there are fitness magazines, classes on healthy cooking, and different types of soaps and shampoos, there are different versions of the Bible, Bible study classes and small groups, and different types of churches. Each of these are designed to meet every different person's different needs. Some might be into weight lifting, and some into aerobics. Some might be into the Baptist church, and some might be Evangelical. Some just love to enjoy the outdoors by playing outside with their kids and running around in the yard as opposed to running marathons. Some love to read The Message as opposed to the King James version. Everyone is different, and you are going to have to decide what works for you.

I have to admit, I am way better at ignoring my disciplines rather than doing them. (For example, I should be at the gym instead of typing this blog.) Some ignore one to do the other, like jogging in the morning instead of Bible reading and prayer. Some incorporate one with the other, like prayer while jogging. Some do nothing, like watching Judge Judy and eating a bag of chips.

What other disciplines are there? How about Relational and Mental? How are you improving your relationships and keeping them healthy? How are you working on your brain, challenging yourself to always be learning? I guarantee you that Judge Judy and a bag of chips is not doing that either.

This is what the culture at CCC calls the RPMS. (If we put it in the order I used, it would be SPRM, which is why I am sure the church uses the other one.) It helps to measure your velocity, or like the dial on a car, your RPMs... get it? It is a way that you can always be challenging yourself and each other to grow. So, how are you doing? Do you have someone holding you accountable to your goals and vision for yourself?

I have to admit, I have really let my partner down. First off, we haven't been meeting recently. That is going to change right now. Because I haven't had anyone but myself keeping me accountable, I have dropped down on my growth tremendously.

This 60-60 challenge is one of the spiritual disciplines I am doing, on top of reading my Bible and prayer. I am not journaling like I would like to, and feel overwhelmed often.

Physically I just have not been making it to the gym like I would like to, and my body feels it. Hello, read my Monday weigh-in posts.

Relationally, I have not been relating to much of anyone recently.

Mentally, I am not challenging myself like I should.

So, I figure if I am blogging about my physical stuff, why not the rest?

It is kind of like journaling, and I can type way faster than write things out.

One "seasonal" goal for me is to be a better employee. I want my attitude at work to change, because it sucks. Really, I do love my job, I love what I do. But my attitude has been sucked into the negatives, and that has got to stop. Am I doing what I can to be a "model" or "example" employee? HECK no. I need to start with a major attitude adjustment. I was just reading in 1 Peter about servants being the best servant, even when your master is the worst master. I am not saying my boss is bad, I am just saying I have been a servant with a really lousy attitude, and that reflects in my behavior.

Another "seasonal" goal for me is to improve my marriage. I plan on doing this by setting up two times a week I meet with my husband. One is for working, and one for playing. The working one will focus on growing our marriage, Bible study, communication study, etc. The playing one will be our "date" where we do something fun and get out of the house to help keep the romance alive.

Now that I have bored you to tears... I better go, don't want to be late to work on my first day of attitude adjustment!

Introspective season. 60-60 day 19 update

I was hoping to do an update every 10 days, but seems that is not God's plan.

The last post I discussed feeling God's love.

This time, its all about me. How am I reflecting his love? I know that when I get busy, or I am hurting physically, I tend to look or sound pissed off. Why, because people have told me that I am. I admit that my facial expressions are not the best. I often say things because they are true without thinking about the look on my face.

One of my favorite Tree63 songs is "Joy" and it goes: Let me be a shining light for you, let me be a joy to you always....

I know that I love people, even more than I ever did before. I know that I reflect that when I am still. But it is when I am busy that I lose the intentionality of myself.

About oh, lets say a year ago or so, I read somewhere, something someone wrote on a blog or on a magazine article, or in a book "live life intentionally, not accidentally." Which has turned into a sort of "axiom" for me.

So, tell me if I am making a weird face at you. I am really trying to appear pleasant, but not fake. I am also watching the intonation of my voice. I know how often that can put me off with other people. Mostly, I am trying to watch my heart. I can get rushed, and stop being intentional, which is totally not what I want. I want to emit love in my voice. Especially at home. My husband is my first priority (after God of course), and I do tend to let my fences down around him because I am comfortable with him, and that could be our undoing. I know sometimes I am short with him and not because I mean to be. I love him more than anything in this world, and really want to continue to work on our marriage.

This growing thing is something that never stops. I am glad, because if I ever got stuck anywhere I have ever been, it would not be pretty. Thank God for second, third, fourth... continuing chances. Thank God for grace.

In order for me to be the leader God has called me to be, I have to start by leading myself. Its a constant process.

60-60 Challenge: Day 10 musings

Check out the book on Amazon here. I posted about the 60-60 challenge after we got home, and I have to say the first few days had gone rather well. Then I hit this funk. The watch would beep and I was distracted. Oh yeah, I am supposed to think of God and then back to whatever it was. Then the guilt. I find that I am feeling guilty because I am not spending as much time as I want to with God.

Good news is that I am wanting to spend time with Him. And I am realizing how I have kept my work seperate a lot. When I get busy, I "don't have time" to spend with God. Oh, why now, I am busy God, call back later. Then something hit me today while driving to work.

Who is God, who is King? Quit trying to "force" God to serve you. You serve God. Get your a$$ off of that throne! You don't belong there. My new pal Lundie reminded me that God is in the room with me, and the beep is just to remind me of that. So, now I am feeling special, like God loves me.

God loves me so much that he wants a personal relationship with me. He knows I get busy, but he is always there. He is the omnipotent one, not me. He wants me to recognize that I am serving him in EVERYTHING I do. So, yes, sometimes I feel like a crummy servant.

Lord, I just want to be a willing servant. Just writing about you has filled my heart with the love you have for me. I am overwhelmed. I am not worthy. Yet you say that I am. Thank you Lord. Thank you Jesus.

Funny thing is, I forgot my watch today. I am constantly looking at the clock and thinking of Jesus, wondering if it has been an hour yet. I have not let even a half hour go by without thinking of God. I just want to be with him, I want him to be enough for me. Because lately, I have been slacking on my eating. Mindless eating. Peanut M&Ms eating... like half the bag before I make my husband hide it. I ate half a box of Wheat Thins the first night I brought them home. I wonder why my stomach aches!?!?

All of you, is more than enough for, all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, with you love, and all I have in you is more than enough. You are my supply my breath of life, still more awesome then I know. You are my reward worth living for. You're my sacrifice of greatest price, you're the coming king, you are everything.... still more awesome than I know.

I got excited because I realized I have 5 more of these "ten day weeks" left with God in the 60-60, so this will be fun. I know that God is stretching me, growing me, and working me awesomely. So much to pray for, so much to be thankful for.

Emmanuel

God With Us by Mercy Me

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That’s worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

-Chorus-
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don’t deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

This song has been our theme song since May. God wants Dave and me to know that He is with us, always.

So, I bought this book at the Leadership Summit by John Burke called Soul Revolution. It details a 60-60 experiment. Read all about it at SoulRevolution.net. Anyway, I got my husband to read it, and he really wanted to try it. So we went and bought some watches that beep every 60 minutes. (I love no sales tax in Oregon, gives me an excuse to shop.) My watch also keeps track of my golf score, so I guess I need to take up golf.

The point of the experiment is to see what happens when you live a life in constant contact with God. It makes you really conscious of God, and paying attention to His presence in your life. It makes you share even the dumbest details of your life with God. For example, I woke up and peed, then invited God to spend the day with me. Then I thought I guess God wants to be a part of everything in my life, including that. Because God is there, he knows everything, but he wants us to include him in everything. Its like God is in the room with you, but you don't include him, he feels left out. It breaks his heart. This 60-60 is supposed to help us be aware of him in the room, and include him in our lives.

My husband said, "this sounds life-changing" and change is always scary for him, but he wanted it. For once he wanted a change, a good change. This is awesome.

We almost didn't make it onto the airplane yesterday.

I checked into the kiosk 3 minutes late and it said that our reservations were canceled, and the lady on the phone said she could put us on a flight to San Francisco at 8pm. I got MAD. Really mad. I said "this is retarded!" She wanted to delay our coming home and charge us 125 bucks for changing flights! Deep inside, I knew I deserved it. We were late to the airport. 3 minutes is three minutes. I could go into how Dave's son didn't want us to leave, and the Oregon traffic, but in truth, we did not deserve to be on that airplane. The guy behind the counter got us boarding passes, and we raced through security only to find they hadn't even begun to board the flight.

Coming out of the bathroom, I cried. This is grace. Grace, undeserved favor. God showed us how even a tiny error from the "law" can keep us from home. In the Bible it says if you break even one of the laws in the tiniest bit, you break them all. The whole law is broken. That is why we need Jesus, that is why we need grace. I cried because we did not deserve to be on that flight. I cried because I did nothing good to deserve heaven. Yet God was with us, he sent his son Jesus who obeyed the law, and then suffered and died for us, so that we could be with him in heaven.

I cried on the plane. I cried because there is a little boy we were leaving behind who was going to have to go through a lot of pain. It was nothing that was his fault. None of this is his fault, yet he has to pay the price. I cried because I wish I could take all of that away. I cried because he wanted us to stay. I cried because I needed to cry. I cried because this is going to be the hardest year of his life and he has no idea. I cry because I have no idea what his mom is telling him. I cry because she tells him things that I cannot control, and I cry because she makes him codependent. I cry because ripping off the band-aid hurts no matter if you do it fast or slow. I cry because God is with me, with us. I cry because I don't deserve it. I cry because the little boy knows nothing about my Jesus, and his concept is so messed up because of his mom. I cry because so much of him is messed up because of his mom. I cry because God wants me to cry. He wants me to feel. He wants me to know that his heart is broken too. He wants me to know it is okay for me to cry.

I cried when I went the wrong way, not because I went the wrong way, but because I was praying I would not see any homeless kids hitchhiking on the highway, and I did. This area is so impoverished, this area is so hopeless. I want to help them. I want to give them hope. I can't. But, my Jesus can. No one should have to be homeless in the United States. Yet poverty is horrible. Unemployment is horrible. The school system is horrible. The health care system is horrible. Welcome to America, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Some people have Africa, the Phillipines, China.... I have America. My heart breaks for the things that break God's heart.

Listen to "Girl America" by Mat Kearney. Try not to cry and/or rock out.

Try listening to God, and see how that changes your life. I dare you. Check out http://www.soulrevolution.net/

Email me, twitter me, facebook me, IM me, leave a comment, let me know how God is speaking to you.