Proceed as if

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Some people might think I am nuts when I say I have heard from the Lord.  I truly believe that God has told me to pursue custody of Jeramy, and we won.  It was a long hard battle.  We got rainbows and songs on the radio and words of encouragement and truth when we needed, and we hobbled along.  Oh how I leaned on Isaiah.  It was more like God carried us.

Which is how it has been today.  The impossible is now possible.  We proceeded as if ... and it did.  God came through in a big way.  We applied for the apartment knowing that we couldn't come up with the money on our own.  God provided.

We will be a family, together.  Will will be away from abuse and fear.  We will have shelter.

And I won't take this lightly.  I plan on using this home the way God wants me to. As a family we are going to be intentional ambassadors to the community, and to invite people into our home, and into our lives.  It won't be easy, but its bound to be fun, and its certain to be good.

I feel like our family has a chance at our future.  Its all happening, and its all God.  I acted in faith and He met me.  I am floored.  Thanks Lord, words seem insufficient. You rock!

The Lord is at hand

When certain things happen, you know someone is behind it, right? That certain smell of your favorite dish can only mean that someone special is cooking it.  I really don't think I am just being handed a line of hooey when I tell you that God is working hard in my life right now, and I can tell.  The Lord is at hand.  He always has been, but its as if I didn't have a receiver installed properly.

I was reading Bonhoffer and he was extrapolating about discipleship, and being called.  There is always an act of faith that changes you from who you were into who you are that leads to following Jesus.  In other words, you are totally changed if you say yes to physically following God.  I read it out to myself, and I went downstairs and read it to Dave.  We are being called, we have been called, and our going and stepping out in faith will only be rewarded by God meeting us there, and changing us completely.

Today in church we heard about being a new creation.  The world and my inner voice tell me I am worthless but that is not what God says.  He says I am a beautiful creation, and serve a very good purpose.  He has me where I am for a reason, and its not always easy, but its easy to see.  I am a sent ambassador of the Lord, Creator of Heaven and Earth.  Its really a fantastic honor.  Funny thing is, I have been thinking about living intentionally like this for a while, and its just today that it gets mentioned in a sermon so plain as day.

This thread is present in the Bible, in my heart by the Holy Spirit, and in the core nature of those who follow Christ to be an ambassador.  It defines Christianity.  Unfortunately, many Christians act more like tourists than ambassadors.  Some even give the cheif a bad name by their actions.  Do that not realize that they are a personal representative of the Most High God? 

Don't worry, I forget sometimes too.  I forget a lot.

I want to change.  I want to be a butterfly, not a caterpillar, and definitely not stuck in this ratty ole cocoon. 

So here is yet another physical milestone approaching, and we move.  We move without assurance we can afford to, but with knowledge that God said he would provide.  He is doing so, we just get so overwhelmed as bills fall behind and debt piles up.  And the Lord is at hand when I walk into church, telling me "its gonna be alright!" and then launching into just what he has put in my heart.  Just to remind me.

God says, "Shelley, get your eyes off the storm and onto me.  I won't let you drown.  Take my hand, easy now, its going to be alright.  We've got some work cut out for us, I can't wait to get started."

Yep, that's my Jesus.  Yep he's got a robe and sandals, but he is the most awesome man I know.  He defeated death and conquered the grave - just so that we could have a relationship and I could know Him more!  I love how he romances me.  Have no fear, the Lord is at hand.

We'll leave the light on - shining some insight in Luke 8

If you are reading this on Facebook, type in the verses in Bible Gateway to read along, or grab your Bible.  Or you can go to my original post and click the links in there to read the Bible passages along with the blog.  Its pretty deep, and if you want to understand it, you should read the Bible along with this post... Thanks.  

Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18. 

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed.  Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.

Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives.  We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark.  It's never too late to come over.  In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house.  A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.

I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see.  I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.

This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc.  Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find.  The next is the personal level.  See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp.  I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever.  I am laid out, open.  Everything.  First and foremost to God, secondly to the world.  I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in.  I am to be shining, and bright.  This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached.  This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom.  I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.

I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives.  I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others.  Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.

Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."  This means so much and yet so little.  Yet I get it.  I hope to anyway.  What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us? 

See, I think in parables.  I get it now.  I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories.  Its how I understand life.  It is how I live.  To me, I get what Jesus says.

Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away.  Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed.  My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from.  But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.

I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.

I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again.  And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have.  You know why?  I don't have a thing.  I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God.  Without Him, I am lost.  Without Jesus I have no hope.  God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own.  So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away.  I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King.  For He provides all I need.

Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before.  And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from.  And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them.  Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus.  Amen.

Digging around - Luke 8 reflections

If you read my last post, you might remember how my friend challenged me to read Luke 8 every day.  I have been, despite being tired as all get-out and thinking of how boring and repetitive it is, I have read Luke 8 every day.  Today, I started out in the middle of Luke 8, as I had put my bookmark there for some reason.  It helped me, because I started out with the story of the possessed man and the pigs that jumped over a cliff.  Luke 8 has so much in it, so it was nice to kind of start off there and then come back to the beginning later. 

How many times have I read the parable of the sower?  (Luke 8:1-15) How often do I know that I need good soil? See I have read this passage a million times, but to what level have I "gotten" this passage?  One may never truly know.  I do know however, that I hit a realization today about the passage.  Perhaps its because I haven't spent much of my life paying attention to gardening, or farming, or anything of the sort.  People in this neighborhood where I live pay landscapers that come in pickup trucks during the day while they are at work to do the magic for them.  Perhaps I had always thought that was a magic process myself.

At this house, there is no landscape fairy.  My dad and his wife mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water and fertilize, etc.  My whole family helped out with the mulch, as my dad had rented a wood chipper and did away with all the branches from a tree he cut down in the back yard.  I pulled weeds in the front, I have mowed the lawn.  This stuff takes work.  And it keeps growing back.  If you don't watch it, the yard will be full of weeds, the little plastic barriers that keep the grass in the grass and the wood chips in the wood chips comes up, and the plants will take over your yard.  Mowing the back yard it takes several attempts to get around the bushes that want to slice your skin open while you mow the grass underneath.  The earth is moving, and rocks and other barriers fall over, become loose and need re-adjustment.

I have vague memories of helping my parents in our backyard garden as a child.  I know we had one, my grandmother had one, and my aunt had one.  We grew cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and corn.  My grandmother grew beans that I loved to pick off the vine and eat.  My favorite memory is probably feeling the wet mud between my toes, which later was hosed off- kids are not afraid to get dirty. The food from the garden was so good and delicious.  It was even more so because we worked for it.  We tended the garden, pulling weeds and making sure it had fertilizer and water.  My dad had this monster machine that tilled the ground under every year.  It was huge in comparison to my child body, and we had to stay far away. It was a monster, consuming the soil and working it hard.  This garden took work.

Why am I to think that my "soil" doesn't require work in order to produce fruit?  The thing that makes my soil the 4th soil in the parable is how much work I put into this soil.  Some people will always be gravel roads.  They go to work, watch tv, have a beer, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day.  They aren't very deep, and it shows.  They don't have many weeds, but they don't have much fruit either.  They keep their grass mowed tight to the ground, letting nothing and no one in. The fence on this land is tall and topped with barbed wire.  Maybe even electrified.  Some people are deep, but they have so many weeds in their life.  Years of depleted soil inherited from generations of bad gardening.  They can't tell a good plant from a bad plant.  The roots are so entangled, and they continue to think that the problem is the good plant, not the weeds that take over their lives.  There is no fence on this land.  Those are some extremes.

What is my yard supposed to look like?  Well, there is a fence, but also a gate.  Regular weeding, watering, and fertilizing happens.  This means I need to fertilize with the Word of God.  Water with Living Water.  Erect boundaries and pull things in my life that might take vital nutrients away from my tree of life.  I desire to bear fruit.  I need to let the Master Gardener come in.  He does much of the work, but I need to work with him, listen to him and do what he says in order to have everything aesthetically pleasing but also full of life and nutrients, producing much fruit.

Do you see what I see?  Are you hearing what I hear?  I need to work for God's landscaping company.  I need to dig around and work my soil.  I need to contribute to this, if I don't then someone else will.  And the seeds will be snatched before they have a chance to take root.  This life isn't easy, its hard work.  Its very hard grueling work at times.  But once I have the groundwork laid out and a routine in place, its not so bad.  Every once and a while I have to rotate my crops, or take a fallow season.  Sometimes I have to burn the whole place down so that everything can grow up stronger and more resilient.  It kills the undergrowth and gives the good things a chance to really shine.  I am going to have to break a sweat, I just can't sit back and watch it happen.  This isn't a movie or novel, this is life.  This is my garden.  What do you see?

The cost of being a disciple- already paid

Oswald Chambers tells me today that the work has already been done; "that the men and women He is going to use in His mighty building enterprises are those in whom He has done everything...Our Lord implies that the only men and women He will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately and devotedly beyond any of the closest ties on earth."

See Luke 14:25-35.

I will admit it, I am not the best at picking up my cross daily.  Sometimes, I like to wield that cross as a weapon, sometimes I bury it, and sometimes I wear it like a badge.

But you see, I know that God has already counted the cost.  He knew that I would mess up, heck the whole Bible is filled with stories of people messing up and God coming to the rescue.  Jesus is the ultimate rescue, the ultimate answer, the cost that has already been paid.

And its out of remembering this- remembering Jesus- that I am able to "pick up my cross" and follow Him.  You see, I am not tasty salt without Jesus.  I can't do the work, Jesus already did it, He counted the cost and followed all the way through.  I could not do that, so without Jesus, I would be thrown on the manure pile.  True dat. 

Jesus requires the work we do involves loving him, having a relationship with him, understanding that HE ALREADY DID THE WORK, IS ALREADY DOING THE WORK, AND ALREADY IS GOING TO DO THE WORK.  The term for this is "provenience." 

I get overwhelmed often, really sometimes I wonder how I can handle it all.  Picking up my cross for me is going to be trusting and understanding that the bill has already been paid, the work has already been done.  This helps me to love Him more and be less selfish, this makes me salty.  This takes me one step off the manure pile.

Jesus thank you for doing all the work, you are my rock.  Help me stay anchored to you always, no matter how strong the winds may blow.

Feeling pursued, in a good way

God for certain has been after my heart.  I cannot deny this.  What he seeks is nothing but the best for me, and I need to give up all of my ideas of what that means.  I need to cast aside any image I may hold of my Lord and let him show me his face.

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that.  Well for me it has anyway.  I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day.  Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey. 

The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles.  Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.

My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it.  Its kind of funny how God works like that.  I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings.  I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me.  It can only be the Holy Spirit.

Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me.  And I mean by this the life that is truly life.  I mean by this the life that God intended for me.  I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.

God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.

I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me.  What's next Abba?  Where are we going together Lord?

And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me.  The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good.  Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.

My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed.  Now I value things that I cannot lose.  My God meets me there, and I am so grateful.  He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing. 

Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me.  Peace rules.  Jesus rules.

its kind of funny....

Yesterday, after I posted "Funny Thing" I read my Bible.  I am reading "The Voice" version for a fresh look at the Gospels.

In Luke 7, Jesus is eating dinner at Simon the Pharisee's home.  In walks a woman of ill-repute and cries at his feet, washing his feet with her tears, kissing them and and pours a very expensive perfumed oil on his feet.  Jesus then asks Simon who would be more appreciative, the one forgiven a small debt or great debt.  Simon doesn't even have to think- its obvious the one who was forgiven more.  Jesus says "good answer."

Now Jesus turns around so He's facing the woman, although He is still speaking to Simon.
Jesus: Do you see this woman here?  Its kind of funny.  I entered your home, and you didn't provide a basin of water so I could wash the road dust from my feet.  You didn't give me a customary kiss of greeting and welcome.  You didn't offer me the common courtesy of oil to brighten my face.  But this woman has wet my feet with her own tears and washed them with her own hair.  She hasn't stopped kissing my feet since I came in.  And she has applied perfumed oil to my feet.  This woman has been forgiven much, and she is showing much love.  But the person who has shown little love has shown how little forgiveness he has received.
(to the woman) Your sins are forgiven.
Simon and friends (muttering among themselves): Who does this guy think he is? He has the audacity to claim the authority to forgive sins?
Jesus (to the woman):  Your faith has liberated you.  Go in peace.

So after just having written Funny Thing, I was caught by that phrase "Its kind of funny."  Now italics indicate an implied meaning in the Voice- like the translation is not literal, but it is what it would have meant in the original greek or hebrew.  They do this so the reader does not have to use footnotes.  I love it. 

I set the book down, and turned to my husband and said "I'm in love with another man more than you and His name is Jesus."  You see, its kind of funny how you have to lose your life to find it again.  Its kind of funny how the least shall be the greatest.  Its kind of funny how a baby boy was laid in a wooden feeding trough at the beginning of his life, and laid on a wooden cross at the end.  Both for the world to know God.  How our God loves us so much that he took the first step because he knows how darn stubborn we are.

Its kind of funny, how I can smell the earthy smell of Jesus' feet.  See as my tears hit his dirt stained skin.  Watch my long, beautiful prized hair get soaked in mud.  Taste the earthy warmth as I kiss those feet.  Smell the perfume as it hits his feet and the smell permeates the room.  Listen as Jesus sharply tells off the pharisee.  No man has ever stood up for me before like this.  Truly He is who he says he is.  Feel the forgiveness that God has granted.  Feel the the liberation when Jesus speaks to me.  "Your sins are forgiven.  Your faith has liberated you, go in peace." Not caring as I leave the house knowing that my Savior loves me, despite all of the pharisees' eyes burning holes in my back.  Walking, no - running to tell my friends what has just happened.  Changing my life because now I am free, now I am loved. 

Let me ask you something.  Have you ever been there? 

That is grace. 

I will never forget the feeling - or at least I pray that I never do. 

Its kind of funny, I never thought that the smell of feet and dirt would remind me of my Savior.  Now I will never be the same.

Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

Losing your job can be good

Yesterday was a den meeting for Jeramy's cub scouts.  I thank God for people who can put up with 8 rambunctious 8 year old boys.  I helped to keep them in line, I admit.  I am an authoritarian mom, and don't like it when they run all over the place.  Especially near a busy street corner.  On the way back, one of the moms struck up a conversation with me.  She re-introduced herself as horrible with names.  I of course am the same way, so we automatically have two things in common, scout mom and bad with names.  She mentioned she has only really seen my husband this whole time at the scout outings.  I told her that I recently lost my job, and I worked the evening shift.

Her response "That's great! Now you can be a part of these things!" I wonder if she was longing for a younger mom to hang out with or just realized how awesome it is when you can be involved in your kids activities.  "It's just the right time of year, too.  As the weather just keeps getting better."  FINALLY my heart celebrated.  Yes, someone who didn't feel sorry for me, but who felt excited for me!  I instantly liked her tons more. 

I brought this up to my husband, while we were driving alone (Jeramy wanted to ride with the other boys) and he agreed.  He told me that since I lost my job, things were tight, and we had a different set of problems, but I was a whole lot less stressed out.  I totally agreed.

Now I am settled into somewhat of a routine, its time to mix it up again.  Actually add some things that are productive and not time wasting.  Goals: service, study, spewing.  (I had to make it 3 Ss.) Service will be where I help out, either around here or with my aunt who could use a young person around the house.  Study is spending time with God, reading the Bible and self-improvement.  Spewing is writing.  I want  to start working on what my book might be, maybe just start spewing and run with it.  Of course I need to put in a few applications every week, I think finding jobs is the hardest part.  I won't apply for something I wouldn't actually work at, like a city job or a night job.  Also I would like to meet with a school counselor to figure out what it would look like if I went back to college.  Exploring several career tracks...

Help me out, if you will.  What do you think I would be good at doing?

The world is full of possibilities and I am more free than I have been in a long time.

Hakuna Matata- it means no worries

I was seeking answers, I knocked and the door opened.

I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace.  Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words.  I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else.  Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head.  I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.

How can I explain it? I cannot.  All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him.  I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me.  So, why worry?  Hakuna Matata my friends.  Okay, not quite.  Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles.  Is it going to be okay? Yes.  I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.

Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time.  Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam.  Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men.  In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move.  The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them.  So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him.  I think he was looking for a conversation as well.  Or "networking" as they call it in business circles.  We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always.  I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor.  I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through.  And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will.  He told me that I encouraged him.  It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?"  He said to me "you should listen to God's people."

I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal.  If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down.  But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths.  My hope lies in things eternal;  love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.

Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.

I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)

1. Write a book.  There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel.  There might be several books.
2. Discipleship.  Do it, work on it, commit to it.  I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House.  I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family. 

This is where I am called and to what.  Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.

The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind

Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?

I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th.  Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here. 

I left for work, got there early and ready to roll.  They didn't have the same idea.  Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2.  My heart was broken.  I was in a whirlwind.  I am in a whirlwind.

Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches. 

I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair. 

I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care.  If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients.  Sometimes I care too much.  One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over.  I bought her a card and a stuffed animal.  I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her.  Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering.  Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother.  I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage.  This hit the core of who I was.  Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks.  Patients are the reason I do what I do.  Or shall I say did what I did...

So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death.  I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good.  And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides. 

A sword has pierced my very soul.  Do I give up on this career?  Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist?  Do I bag groceries?  What will I do?  All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life. 

Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him.  He knows rejection.  He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him.  He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back.  He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk. 

God is still with me.  I must believe that.  I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM!  I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better.  Right now that is my focus.  God, family, friends.  I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week.  I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am. 

Lord, be with me.  Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear.  Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus.  Amen.

Vision

My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  I have been reading it every day.  Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words.  I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts.  We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts.  Sometimes it makes me wonder.

If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.

 That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday.  That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working.  I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.

"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.

Um, oh yeah is that me.  I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish.  Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off.  Why?  Because I am selfish and impatient.  I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing.  I need to find a balance there.  There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.

Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.

So confused.  I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own.  I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness.  I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision.  It is not too late, but I am so lost.

It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.

God I need you here.  Show me some light.  I think I need to spend some time in your word.  Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path.  Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.

Operation: Me

Did you know that if you break your nose, in order to fix it that the doctor must break it again?  It's kind of like when your joint gets so bad you can barely walk they slice you open, cut out the bad parts and replace them with metal and plastic and sew you back up.  If you think about most medical stuff, its gruesome.  Basically most surgeons use the same tools found in a wood shop, just tweaked and sanitized.  Hammers, saws, pins, screws and cement.

God does that to us too.  He uses common tools to operate on us.  I mean of course they are special in the hands of the Surgeon, but it is still gonna be bloody and messy and need healing.  And he can specialize them and clean them up, but what is important is the work that is being done.

We are born into a broken and messed up world.  No body is perfect and everyone sins.  Time and time again God's chosen people, the Israelites turned their backs on God and did whatever they wanted.  Time and time again God had to rescue them.  And he still does that today for us.  Jesus was sent as the ultimate answer.  Once you accept Jesus in your life, things will be great, right?!?!

Not so, in fact Jesus himself says that in this world you will have troubles.  But, he then goes on to tell us to take heart, because he has overcome the world. I tend to forget that I have that power living within me.  I get scared.

I started Be Still My Soul, and Nancy Guthrie, the editor (and a fantastic author) tells of how we tend to get blown around unless we are tethered to Jesus.  I love how she uses the analogy of a tree she was trying to plant, it worked for me.  She uses this basis to open up the book that is going to talk about pain and suffering and how God uses it for the best. She says that if we stay tethered to Jesus, we will still get blown around, but we won't fall down, and in fact we will be able to flourish.

To be honest with you, this book came at a time when my soul has been anything but still.  This was the book I needed.  My heart and mind have been racing for months. If you know about autonomic response, its like I was living in the fight or flight mode for some time.  I needed just this.  I needed to be still.

Tonight, I came home to a stressed out husband.  He needed it, he needed  to be still.  And so I read him the preface and chapter one.  Chapter one is from a sermon given by Tim Keller that says how God uses suffering to strengthen our joy.  The scripture used and the stories given were of a great encouragement to me, and I hope to my husband also because he was able to fall asleep finally.  I want to rip through this book, but I also want to soak it up and savor it.  I want to devour it but I know that I will enjoy it more when I take the time to let it sink in, to pray and ponder on it.

So this tool, a book, is not really the thing that God used to operate on me with.  This is my "physical therapy" sessions beginning.  The leg has been broken and set.  The swelling has gone down.  I am ready to start recovering.  According to everything I have ever read in the Bible and seen in my life, if I keep up with PT and work on this then I will be stronger for it.  I can't rip through PT in one day.  This is a process.

It is gonna hurt, I have to make quite a few changes and to be honest, its a bit scary, almost fight or flight inducing.  I have to remember to stay tethered to my Savior.  God is the one thing I know will never change, always be good, and always love me.  He won't lead me astray.  He searches for me when I am lost.  He carries me when I have no strength.  He holds me while I cry and keeps me safe.

This month will probably be one of the most grueling and agonizing months ever.  But I am ready now.  I am ready because I am tied to my Jesus- and he never lets go.

Pain - are you ready?

I returned to my home today.  I went back to Celebrate the Journey.

You see my soul was aching to be filled with Jesus and going home with the family was not gonna cut it. Stress in my life is just coming up so quick and change is eminent this month.  Something is going to break.  It was me, I wanted to cry.  I was torn between spending the night with my family or seeing my friends and getting my church on.

To say it rocked was an understatement.  I walked in and was surrounded by people I love.  Music praising (and rocking) God and an awesome teaching from my dear friend- whom I didn't tell her I was there until the end.  Love, hugs and kisses.  Every time I went to talk to someone, it got interrupted by another.  I was an event.  God spoke to me in the songs, in the teaching, and in small group.

Which brings us to the title of this entry.  I can't remember the exact quote from the study, but it had to do with the fact that when you are ready to face pain, you are ready to stop your sin and change.  The chapter was on forgiveness.  I can't even remember how it all tied in anymore.  It is funny how it is all foggy.

Anyway, it was the sentence that stood out to me to tell me that the pain I was going through was a good pain, it was a pain for change for the better, and I was letting go of my "idol" and moving towards what God wanted me to do.  That just like when you work out (which I also need to do) and when you grow up, you have to experience growing pains-

Moving myself away from what "the world's" standards are, and moving towards God's will not make sense to most people.  But it will to me.  The first time I saw a light at the end of my cave is when I decided to let go of that.  Tonight, I think I stuck my head out of my cave.  It felt good.

Am I ready for pain?  I think so.  Now that I have the right focus.  Oddly enough, God sent me a book today.  Okay, God and Crossway publishers.  Its called Be Still My Soul: Embracing God's Purpose & Provision in Suffering.  Funny God story how he got it to me, but I really think I need to read it.  So I want to "review" it and post about it.  I think God works in ways that blow my mind, and he sent me this book- so I better read it!

But I can't face pain alone.  I need my family.  I need my friends.  Are you in?  Pray it up folks- this is gonna blow all our minds.

Love Hurts- (but sometimes its a good hurt)

I have been faithfully reading Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest.  Today's entry is about love hurting.  That Jesus hurts.  You can't be adversely affected by Christ without feeling hurt.  I want to expand on it, work it out, journal it, whatever. 

You see, Jesus calls you to change.  To die.  To die to yourself.  And knowing that you need to kill that part of you that you have known for so long hurts.  Jesus is truth, is light.  The part of us that hurts is the evil selfish dark parts that Jesus's truth and light burns away.  The part of us that relies on others to tell us who we are, that has to prove ourself.  Jesus asks one question to prove us.  "Do you love me?"

Don't think this is the easiest question in the world to answer.  Many people say that they love Jesus.  In fact Jesus asks Peter this question 3 times.  Why three?  Because he denies him thrice?  All I know is if you ask me a question like that, I would say yes the first time to make sure I am not hurting your feelings.  Yes the second time to confirm my feelings.  And I would say Yes the third time to make a commitment and to stamp it as truth. 

What does it mean to love Jesus?  I mean to truly love Jesus.

Let's look at die hard sports fans.  I have known them to dress up in uniforms, study the team history, paint their faces or their bodies, even to the point of tattooing themselves.  Get license plate holders, signs, posters, hats and many t-shirts.  They would show up at events, watch them on tv, listen to them on radio.  Everyone would know that they loved that team.  Some might even get in fights over them. 

I fall in the category of one yes when it comes to loving the Cubs.  I own a shirt or two, watch a few games.  But I can't tell you much about the team players or their games. There are people that know everything about everyone on the team, and follow them everywhere.  They buy season tickets.  I would call those people two yes folks.

What would make the third yes?  Stepping out onto the field and playing.  Now I know that is not possible for most people to do that with professional sports teams.  But you see in Jesus's kingdom, its not a team of professionals who go to seminary and get paid by the church.  Infact, Jesus says that the least will be the greatest.  You don't have to be Billy Graham.  You just have to get out there and put yourself out for the team.  What does that mean? 

Even Peter denied Jesus under pressure.  That was before he knew.  Peter believed that Jesus was the son of God.  But he had no idea as to just exactly what that meant until he saw Jesus on the shore making breakfast after he had been crucified... and resurrected.  He did not truly grasp the power behind Christ until that moment.  When he did- Peter jumped off that boat, and swam to shore. 

I often can picture myself doing this.  Approaching Christ to say how sorry I am, that I had to idea.  Christ in all of his magnificence and glory is scary.  Sometimes we step back because we are filled with fear.  But it is out of love that Peter approaches his savior.  It is out of the hurt of denial that he realizes just how very much he loves Jesus.  Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt.

Of course Jesus was more than welcoming.  Peter then became the third yes type.  You see, after Jesus had died, he went back to fishing.  Why?  Because it was nice to follow Jesus, but the team lost, and the season was over- or so he had thought.  Peter might have fished again after he met the risen Lord, but I would say it was more out of necessity, or fellowship than because it was what he could fall back on.  Peter became the third yes type when he embraced the power of the risen Lord and went out to preach the gospel. 

Not all of us are called to leave our jobs.  Not all of us are called to travel around the world.  Yet we are all called to follow Him.  To live our lives as a living gospel of the resurrection.  Too many Christians today are only 2 Yes people.  They have all the memorabilia, they go to church, they talk a good talk.  But they have not fully surrendered to what Christ has to offer.  If we truly open ourselves, our hearts all the way to Christ, it is gonna hurt- and it will hurt a lot.  Yet in that hurt, there is healing, deep healing.  There is quenching of thirst and satiation of hunger.  There is the ability to stand in the midst of the storm because you are under the shadow of His mighty wing. 

People should know you are a 3 Yes person by the way you live your life.  Not by your t-shirt collection or a bumper sticker.  Are you in?  Do you play the game?  Do you serve for His glory leaving yourself in the dirt?

Love hurts because it confronts all of our selfish nature.  We want to be selfish and not give ourselves fully to the resurrected Lord.  Yet the hurt can heal when you finally do.  And oh yeah, you have to die daily.  Every single day is a choice.  Every single day you need to chose whom you serve.  Every day you need to choose the life that is truly life.

And I ain't saying I am perfect in this.  I struggle every single day.  Yesterday I screwed up, I was cranky and selfish and my day was a bad day.  Love hurts.  But sometimes its a good hurt because it reminds me that Love overcomes, that Love held Christ to the cross so that I don't have to go there.  Without his love, I won't survive.

Story

I always have a hard time starting a story.  I always want to go into the back-story and work up to the present.  It just seems so boring when I think about it that way.  I have been thinking a lot about story, my story, His story, and friends' stories.  I have been thinking about writing.

I think the first thing I need to do is just start.  Start in the action, and work the back-story in between, to make it more meaningful.  I have been watching Lost.  It wouldn't have been as interesting if we knew all of their stories before they were dumped on the island.  What is making Lost an addictive show is finding out their back-story along with the new adventures and how they all intertwine.

It reminds me of reading the Bible.  To be honest, if you pick it up and open the first page and try to read it like a story for the very first time, you won't get very far.  Leviticus, Numbers, heck even halfway through Exodus you might put the thing down.  What you need to do is get to know the main character first (Jesus) in the New Testament, then go back and read the back-story in the Old.  And because His story is so intense, it weaves its way in and out of the book so that once you "get it" you can enjoy the whole book, even all the way through, even several times.  I stopped counting how many times I read my way through the entire Bible.  I love it, and I feel that if you are a Christian, a Christ Follower, then you are truly missing out if you have not captured the Bible in its entirety as a whole.  That doesn't mean you don't get the gist of the story, it just means that it feels more complete that way to me.

Many people know me, or know of me, or spend some time with me.  Many people read my posts on Facebook or tweets on Twitter.  Some of you might even be reading this.  But do you know me?  How much of my back-story do you get? 

Here is where you say "but Shelley, you don't really even know me."  True.  How much do we truly know each other?  I know a part of your story, and some of this, and some of his, some of hers.  I have a background in psychology (meaning I took way too many college courses) and I have "creeped" you on Facebook or Twitter or just said hi to you in passing.  Maybe we even shared a meal or an event.  But what I truly know, what I am getting to know more and more fully, more intimately every day is God.  The same God who created me, created you, created this world we live in.  The same God sacrificed himself on the cross so that we may know him intimately.  The same God who was broken bread and poured out wine has asked me to become the same to you, for his sake.  For that reason, I love you.  For that reason I desire to know you.

In my journey, my story if you will, I find myself in the chapter where I am getting geared up.  I had been hiding in this cave of selfishness and pity and its time to get up and get out.  The sun is glaring though, so I sit at the mouth of the cave until I adjust to the brightness.  When I do adjust, I intend to go out there and mix with you.  I intend to share with you his story, maybe through a part of mine.  If you are into the tv show Lost, this is where I move out of the caves and back onto the beach so I can be in the light, and with the rest of the folks. 

What is it that this character will do?  What is her motivation?  What secrets does she have?  How does she overcome overwhelming odds to find happiness and joy in her life?  What must she leave behind in the caves because it weighs her down in the light? 

I am really excited to dive into this story, peel back some layers and get to the heart of it all.  And the best part is the book will have many sequels, perhaps even be a large part of a series, a collection even.  Write history with me.  Write His story with me.

The stump will be a seed

This image keeps coming up in my head.  My mom drew this.  She took some time to get away and she drew this picture.  It has become very important to me.  My sister has the original.  I am considering getting it tattooed.  Why?  Its me.  Its my theme.  Its my word.  It is my life.

Its is yours too, if you choose.

The theme just keeps coming up.  Recently I got to meet Dave Gibbons when he talked about Isaiah 6 at Story conference.  That was probably the most awesome thing for me.  I love what Dave is doing with his church and- well his name is Dave so that automatically enters him in with the cool guys.  I love how he talks about the pain principle.  The pain principle simply states that people have a hard time relating to your successes, but they easily relate to your failures and your pain.  A good leader knows this and uses it to their advantage.

I have been going through a lot of pain recently.  I reaped much of what I sowed, I made bad decisions, I was naive.  But much I didn't deserve.  Much just was the way life is, a result of living in a fallen world.  Lately, I have been feeling like more of a stump than a tree.  Lately I have been feeling pretty low, hollow and empty. 

Somehow, I got reminded today about the stump being a holy seed. 

I know that God will make everything bad work out for good.  I have seen it before, not just in the Bible, but in my life.  I know that Joseph had to be in a pit, enslaved, and jailed before he got to meet Pharaoh and be second in charge of all Egypt.  And Joseph was a spoiled brat who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut- which I can attest to easily being my story.  In the end, he saved the lives of the very brothers who threw him in the pit.  They feared retaliation.  But oh no, Joseph had grown.  See all those times his tree got chopped down to a small little stump, God was with him.  He took what you and I,and likely Joseph, thought to be bad things, and turned them into something that blows our minds.  Joseph's stump became a holy seed that saved thousands of people, and repaired his broken family.  In Genesis 50:20 Joseph gives God all the glory for taking something downright evil and mean and turning it into something that SAVES.

God wants to use me.  Somehow I have to remember through all the hard things I face, that God IS with me.  God was always with Joseph.  But this stump of mine will one day be a holy seed.  God will use this pain to save many.  I have to know this because it is true.  God is teaching me what it means to be humble.  God is breaking down all of the walls I put up. 

God is blowing my mind.

Who knew that a braggart spoiled brat would one day save the world?  God did.  And he's gonna take this tree and keep chopping until its time.  Because he desires me to bear much fruit. (John 15)

So what next... well John 15 tells me... remain in him.  And I will go and bear much fruit - fruit that will last.

I like that, (although don't call me fruity) I like that my stump will be a holy seed.  I like that that seed will bear much fruit.  And right now, its okay to be a stump- because I know I am in the hands of the Master Gardener.


"Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed."
Robert Schuller, evangelist (How to Be an Extraordinary Person in an Ordinary World)

Taking care of business - everyday

I have always had a hard time going into the bookstore to buy books for me.  Its true.  I love to find books for other people.  It is especially fun to find the odd book that I know my husband will devour, or a great book that Jeramy will spend time with.

Yesterday I did end up getting something for Jeramy (an InuYasha calendar on clearance for 4 bucks) but I did something I haven't done for myself in a long time.

I bought myself 3 new books.  Now I am not busting the bank here, because I used a gift certificate I got for Christmas, but the point was I spent that money on ME.

I got one book from their clearance rack, I had always wanted it, and it was a great deal.  Tim Keller's The Reason for God must have just been an overstock item as it was in perfect condition.  Then I got two books that have been around for a while, but will certainly help to feed me.  My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoffer. 

Utmost is a daily devotional, and while a little "old school" in the language, totally applicable to me.  Yesterday's reading floored me for timeliness, and I was certain it would do so again today, which it did.  How devoted of a wife he had, that took verbatim shorthand of his talks and sermons?  Either that or she wrote them all and he delivered them.  Who knows but I thank God for the gift.

I have been reading the intro to the Bonhoffer book, and finding out about his life.  I thought reading the book intro would put me to sleep, which it did, but I was sad I didn't finish it.  His was a movie waiting to happen.  A man who persisted in the faith in Nazi Germany, to his end in a concentration camp and several imprisonments.  He so opposed the new socialist government, and spoke up against it.  It got him attention.  But he had favor wherever he went, and often the guards apologized for having to lock him in.  They even snuck out his writings. I am looking forward to reading what he has to say, because I am sure it will be inspirational.

I can't help but think of Corrie Ten Boom and The Hiding Place which I read this fall. She always reminds me of my grandmother, probably because that is where I first heard of Ms. Ten Boom and for some reason I believe them to be kindred spirits.  Perhaps it is my grandmother in my imagination playing the role of Corrie as I read about her life.  Perhaps it is that something that I now know about my grandmother and never knew when I was alive.

Oh how stubborn I was.  I really had blinded eyes.  Oh how my heart aches for what I missed out from her.  Why had I closed myself off from learning wonderful things from her?  I was a kid, and I just wanted to play.  Now I knit with her needles and wonder what conversations I could have had with her.  I will have them one day in heaven.  I know she knows this Jesus because I saw it in her eyes before she passed.  She had no fear.   That woman taught me so much about me by being my patient, I miss her so.  I regret not knowing her better.  Yet I rejoice that I will see her someday.

In the meantime, there is much to be gleaned.  I miss my family.  I miss out on life because I am busy being all depressed and melancholy and such.  I couldn't imagine how Lincoln fought the Civil War with depression.  I can't imagine how he lead the country. 

I find myself ready for a new era, and I am looking forward to what that might look like.  This week I also start two small groups, I missed yesterday, but am going in to see the video today, so I have a makeup session I guess. 

I want to keep on.  I want to learn and grow and never ever give in. I believe in the end, love wins.

I understand why Mom had to go.  Her time was done.  Yet her legacy lives on, even in my blog title, she sings.  Yesterday I laughed heartily in the car after Jeramy asked me to stop singing and let the music sing for itself, or something like that.  Jeramy asked what was so funny.  I laughed and smiled saying "that is exactly what I used to say to my mom!"  And I really loved her for it, I loved her for loving her music even though I hated her singing.  My ears didn't love it, but my heart did.  I hope one day Jeramy's heart will too.  Life is too short NOT to sing along.

The Devil invented the Drive-Thru

The devil has a really simple plot- if he can't keep us from God, he can distract us from making the right choices, thus pulling us further away from him.

The devil's job is to make sin look easy.

Look at TV shows and movies- they tell us the norm is to sleep with everyone you work with and their brother.  Have you seen credit card commercials?  With the freedom card you can get that pedicure you've been putting off, then splurge on a pair of shoes to match the pedicure, then ah, what the heck why not get the dress to go with the shoes? And stores- we have drive thru food, pharmacy, coffee, and in some areas drive thru liquor stores.  I still wonder why McDonalds thought that coming out with a more fattening and more expensive burger was a good move, but I don't think they care about our health or wallets.

What is the hard choice; to stay sober or to have another drink?  To give in and gossip or to speak up to stop the cycle?  To take the flirting because it feels good and things have been tense at home lately?  To sit on Facebook all day or study the Bible?  To get your finances in order or spend however you like?  To give in to peer pressure or to leave the room and be ridiculed for not doing whatever it is they are doing?  To laugh along while they make fun of someone or to stop it?  To hit the grocery store and go home to make dinner or to hit the drive thru?

We all face little opportunities in the day in which satan can turn an opportunity to succeed into an opportunity to feel good for a second.  You all know what happens when someone brings food in to work?  We all have to eat it...

Proverbs 16:

 ² Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
   God probes for what is good.

25 There's a way that looks harmless enough;
   look again—it leads straight to hell.


Be careful the easy path, like Jesus says in Matthew ch 7:
 ¹³"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

So, here's to all of us, that we make the hard choice, the wise choice, and stick to the narrow road.

Disheartened by Christians

Lately I have had a couple of people who are not related in any way, shape, or form talk about how a person who calls themself a christian has judged them. 

Now, before I go own I have to say that asking someone to obey rules in your home is different from judging a person.  Many people establish rules in their home which create boundaries and safety as well as confirm their values.  This is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about people not having a relationship with someone, or telling you not to do something or talk about something you do in church.  Asking others to behave and follow what they believe to be christian behavioral standards when the people they are asking aren't even christian to begin with.

Also, if anyone actually reads the Bible, the whole Bible, even just the whole New Testament, they will find out that Jesus came to tell these very people (the ones imposing the behavioral rules) to take a hike and straighten up.  See, Jesus came for those who needed love and forgiveness, and he died at the hands of the people telling him to "obey their rules".  Jesus was crucified because he refused to obey silly rules, and instead chose the heart of what God wanted.

Jesus hung out with lepers, prostitutes, insane people, seedy extortionists, and he dared to talk to a woman who was ousted by her community because she had had so many husbands that she had to avoid the gossip and gather water when everyone else was avoiding the hot sun. The man even touched dead people when that made you an outsider.  He gathered the children to him when others tried to shoo them away. 

So, if you DARE stop talking to someone because you don't like what they do- SHAME ON YOU!  Its one thing to keep unsafe people from being alone with you or your children, its another thing to not even talk to them.  (and if you cut off the relationship, shame on you for being just as closed minded!)

If you don't want someone to talk about who they are or what they do when they come to church, SHAME ON YOU!!! Seriously, because I think Jesus just shed another tear.  Jesus doesn't want us to be clean and shiny on the outside, but dirty and contaminated on the inside, the wants clean from the inside out.

Perhaps the day when people use religion as just another way of judging will never come to an end.

My friends, I say to you that Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you if you are gay, straight, black, white, green, purple, broken, infested, misdirected, sick, toreup, built up, ugly, pretty, sane, insane, fun, boring, dead, stealing, hiding, sinning, judging, fumbling, fat, skinny, weak, strong, angry, sad, confused, irritated, hurting, smelly, lame, retarded, addicted, screwed up, messed up, f'd up, nuts, lonely, busy, sorry, mad, happy, sore, crazy, sane, average, American, African, Chinese, whatever.  Jesus loves you - not because of who you are, but because of who He is. 

And on behalf of everyone who ever judged you or hurt you in the name of Jesus, I apologize.  Especially for what I have done. 

Oh yeah, one more thing.  Just because you are "christian" doesn't mean you are perfect. No one is perfect.  So quit expecting us to be perfect, and call us out when we are acting un-Christ-like.  Instead of judging us, you might help us to be more like Jesus, which is really our goal. 

I want to know you, and love you for who you are, and have a relationship with you.  I want you to know and have a relationship with Jesus.  If you can start with the first sentence, and realize I might screw up, then let's be friends.  I want to show you what the grace of God has done for me.