The Lord is at hand

When certain things happen, you know someone is behind it, right? That certain smell of your favorite dish can only mean that someone special is cooking it.  I really don't think I am just being handed a line of hooey when I tell you that God is working hard in my life right now, and I can tell.  The Lord is at hand.  He always has been, but its as if I didn't have a receiver installed properly.

I was reading Bonhoffer and he was extrapolating about discipleship, and being called.  There is always an act of faith that changes you from who you were into who you are that leads to following Jesus.  In other words, you are totally changed if you say yes to physically following God.  I read it out to myself, and I went downstairs and read it to Dave.  We are being called, we have been called, and our going and stepping out in faith will only be rewarded by God meeting us there, and changing us completely.

Today in church we heard about being a new creation.  The world and my inner voice tell me I am worthless but that is not what God says.  He says I am a beautiful creation, and serve a very good purpose.  He has me where I am for a reason, and its not always easy, but its easy to see.  I am a sent ambassador of the Lord, Creator of Heaven and Earth.  Its really a fantastic honor.  Funny thing is, I have been thinking about living intentionally like this for a while, and its just today that it gets mentioned in a sermon so plain as day.

This thread is present in the Bible, in my heart by the Holy Spirit, and in the core nature of those who follow Christ to be an ambassador.  It defines Christianity.  Unfortunately, many Christians act more like tourists than ambassadors.  Some even give the cheif a bad name by their actions.  Do that not realize that they are a personal representative of the Most High God? 

Don't worry, I forget sometimes too.  I forget a lot.

I want to change.  I want to be a butterfly, not a caterpillar, and definitely not stuck in this ratty ole cocoon. 

So here is yet another physical milestone approaching, and we move.  We move without assurance we can afford to, but with knowledge that God said he would provide.  He is doing so, we just get so overwhelmed as bills fall behind and debt piles up.  And the Lord is at hand when I walk into church, telling me "its gonna be alright!" and then launching into just what he has put in my heart.  Just to remind me.

God says, "Shelley, get your eyes off the storm and onto me.  I won't let you drown.  Take my hand, easy now, its going to be alright.  We've got some work cut out for us, I can't wait to get started."

Yep, that's my Jesus.  Yep he's got a robe and sandals, but he is the most awesome man I know.  He defeated death and conquered the grave - just so that we could have a relationship and I could know Him more!  I love how he romances me.  Have no fear, the Lord is at hand.

Giving up the goat

I have had a lot of things to lose recently.  Things I need to get rid of and leave behind me, things that need to be consumed in the fire.  Pride is of course the first thing I struggled with.  Its funny how you can think you don't suffer from pride, until that becomes your pride.  I was prideful, and as you know, pride comes before the fall.  Oh, I tripped right on that pride.  I had many things to be prideful of, and one by one, I had to look them in the face and watch them slip away.

My job, my home, my husband's job, my security, my provision, my power, my plans, my ideas, my strength, my, my my. 

I have been surrounded instead by His power, His grace, His provision, His security, His shelter, His love, His strength, His plans.

When I think about how stubborn I truly was I thought of the phrase "giving up the goat" and so I googled it.  Turns out that phrase is incorrect, a misquote of "giving up the ghost" meaning: to die.  Hmmph.  Yes, that's exactly what this is.  Its putting myself on that cross, dying to myself, and putting Him on the throne.  Oh, and being incorrect about it for a long time.

I was so stubborn, it took 30 years before I let Jesus deep into my heart.  Then it took me another 4 before I truly got it.  Want to know how I got it?  He took it all away.  Now, this is not something that I wasn't warned about, and a lot of it was in choices I made, jumping ahead of the game and following my will instead of his.  Where I am is a combination of my will fighting against God's will, and Him making all things work together for my good.  It is truly a process.

Perhaps the biggest lie that the devil could convince a Christian is that being a Christian makes life easy.  Jesus is the answer, yes, but the right answer is never easy.  There is no magic pill that makes me look like Christie Brinkley.  There is no money tree that gives me everything I want.

What I have found is that God provides what I need, and I cannot ask for more.  Sometimes I can't see how, and I have no hope, and at the last minute he comes through.  All things I need appear at just the right time, much like when Abraham brought Isaac up the mountain.  Surely a ram was provided sparing the boy from his death, and perhaps this is the goat we must give up.  If we give up this goat, we save ourselves from certain death.

I trust you God.  Help me with my untrust.

Suburban Nomads

My husband and I were joking today.  He said he didn't like to feel like such a wanderer.  I said that if the Isrealites wandered a desert before they found a home for 40 years and then had to fight for it, we aren't doing too bad.  We haven't made any golden calves yet.  We haven't had to rely on Manna, although it feels like it.

As school winds down, Dave, Jeramy and I will be moving yet again.  Living with my father has put too much strain on his marriage, and we knew it was time to move on.  God provided for us and set it in on the hearts of another family to take us in and help us to get on our feet.  This time it will be a good 15 miles for us.  For Dave, this continues to be a reduction in mileage per move, for me this is the farthest I have ever gone (not counting staying in DeKalb for college).  Truly a new area for us, not too far, yet not familiar.

We will be closer to our friends and church.  The schools will be great.  The neighborhood is great.  I know this won't be perfect, but to be honest, its what we desired to do as a family, except we are the recipients of the hospitality.  I often wonder why it is that we go through what we do.  But when something like this comes together, sometimes it makes sense.

I am truly embracing God's love for me right now.  I have hope that goes beyond what the world believes in. God meets me in all of that. I just do the next right thing, take the next right step, and I find Him there.  God is so awesome. This isn't safe, and its definitely not easy.  But oh its good.

Hanging on the bottom rung

I got a book a while ago titled Interrupted, by one of my favorite authors, Jen Hatmaker.  She even autographed it for me when I got to meet her, (I love this woman dearly she is the real thing!) I knew in my heart that this is where I needed to be, and I tried to read it, but it went over my head and I put it down.  For some reason, I have put it on the top of my reading pile for the last week or so.

I have been feeling wrecked, but I wasn't sure why or what for.  I know how good God is and that he is going to get us through all of this.  I cried Tuesday because I just knew all I could do was worship God because I had nothing good in myself.  He was the only good thing left in me.  I didn't know what I was feeling, just knew I needed God.  The Holy Spirit moved a friend to come tell me "you're not alone" and I burst into tears; heavy, salty, chest heaving tears.  Neither of us knew what that meant, but I rested in a Word from the Lord.

Yesterday I was supposed to have small group, but things happened where we couldn't get together, so I picked up Interrupted again.  I devoured the text.  Often a tear would come to my eye as I read about two people who truly began to seek God's will in their lives.  I know people say don't pray for God to wreck you unless you are ready to be wrecked.  Let me tell you something, you are never ready, because God wrecks you in the way you do NOT desire to be wrecked.

He attacks your pride, your knowledge, your skills, your will.  God devours everything you ever thought you earned on your own.  "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." Deuteronomy 4:24  God destroys everything you put before him.  He warned me he would.  He told me to hang on because He would wreck me until all I had to hold onto was Him.  I was in denial, oh I denied it.  I blamed myself for not yielding, I got angry.  At last I was just empty.  Nothing.  Aching and dry I turned to the Lord.

I hit a certain point in the book and burst into tears.  Jen talked about how her whole life had always been about the ascension, moving up in the world, the next big thing.  She admitted to being an addict, and in that it was being the opposite of what Jesus asked of us.  She said Jesus asks us to take the lowest place because that is where He can be found.  Instead of ascension, we need to take the path down, descend. "The path of descent becomes our own liberation.  We are freed from the exhausting stance of defense.We are no longer compelled to be right and are thus relieved from the burden of maintaining some reputation.  We are released from the idols of greed, control, and status."(p64)  I understood that, I was there.


Then Jen slapped me in the face so hard with truth, I can still feel the sting:

"The ascent is so ingrained in my thought patterns that it has been physically painful to experience reformation at the bottom.  The compulsion to defend myself against misrepresentation nearly put me in the grave last year.  I was tormented with chaotic inner dialogues, and there were days I was so plagued with protecting my rung that I couldn't get out of bed.  With every step lower, the stripping-away process was more excruciating.  I had no idea how tightly I clung to reputation and approval or how selfishly I behaved to maintain it.  Getting to the top requires someone else to be on the bottom; being right means someone else must be wrong.  It is the nature of the beast."  pp 64-65

I was not alone.  I was not alone in my pain.  Not to say I wanted to be surrounded by people in pain, but here is a woman who has had Christ in her life since age 6, published author, speaker, beautiful inside and out, mother and wife, living the life I desire serving her community, telling ME that she was exactly where I was.

There is HOPE.  She goes on the next chapter to talk about the peace she found at the bottom.  I guess I need to let go of that bottom rung.  Then, they quit their position at the fancy good paying job and waited on God.  I wasn't so lucky.  God had to get me fired.  He knew I would never leave.

I self-moisturized my face when I read the story I had already heard Jen tell in person about giving up her and Brandon giving up their brand new cowboy boots.  The waterfall turned on when I read how God had reached Brandon.  What was next for them, they did not know.  Jen writes: "We saw a tunnel of chaos in our future, and we were headed straight for it... However, ignoring this call was not an option." (p 100)

I am in this tunnel of chaos.  But I cannot let my self climb back up that ladder to escape, for that surely leads to death.

Thank you Hatmakers, for your obedience, your love of Christ, and for sharing yourselves with the world in this book.  I love you so very much, and am privileged to have met you and prayed with you.  Thank you for being my muse Jen.  Thank you most of all God for bringing this all together at the right time, just when I needed to hear that I am not alone and that this is your will.  God help me to listen, help me to let go of that bottom rung and grab a hold of you.

We'll leave the light on - shining some insight in Luke 8

If you are reading this on Facebook, type in the verses in Bible Gateway to read along, or grab your Bible.  Or you can go to my original post and click the links in there to read the Bible passages along with the blog.  Its pretty deep, and if you want to understand it, you should read the Bible along with this post... Thanks.  

Continuing my journey through Luke 8 I will look at verses 16-18. 

No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed.  Not unless you are creating some sort of lighting effect.

Motel 6 leaves a light on for me. I think of that old commercial where Motel six sounds like a place where families stay for the night when taking long drives.  We keep the light on, we welcome you even after dark.  It's never too late to come over.  In my town, you have to put on your porch light to indicate its okay to trick-or-treat at the house.  A light left out is a welcome sign, a beacon for safety.

I love how this follows the parable of the sower, because Jesus just explains to them all about seeds being the word of God, or the gospel, and then says, by the way, you don't light a lamp unless you plan to put it out for all to see.  I often confuse this verse with the one about being salt and light, I can't separate the two in my head, so this exercise has been good.

This to me takes on so many levels... first and easiest is the prophetic of Jesus being hung naked on a cross for all to see, the judgment of the Kingdom, etc.  Lots of people comment on it, get a good study Bible, its easy to find.  The next is the personal level.  See, this plant- being me- the Christian who has been working her soil etc, has to be this lamp.  I can't hide or I do no good whatsoever.  I am laid out, open.  Everything.  First and foremost to God, secondly to the world.  I am to be a welcome lamp, inviting others in.  I am to be shining, and bright.  This doesn't mean I need to go platinum blonde and get my teeth bleached.  This does mean I need to be transparent, held accountable to my actions, and represent the Kingdom.  I need to be out in the world, welcoming others in, not hiding in my safe little world with christianese language and condemning others. Its why I blog openly, and Facebook openly and know that it really matters little what people think of me, as long as I help them get just a little bit closer to God then before.

I think these verses contain within them the very gospel themselves and the very doctrine in which to live our lives.  I know it sounds crazy, and I am not a Bible scholar, but I really don't think God intended for us to become Christians and then stop playing with others.  Yes, we do need love and support from other Christians, but by no means are we to stop loving people who have yet to find their way.

Jesus warns us to listen carefully here: "Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what he thinks he has will be taken from him."  This means so much and yet so little.  Yet I get it.  I hope to anyway.  What is this that Jesus refers to us having or being taken from us? 

See, I think in parables.  I get it now.  I never got it really before, but I think in big concepts that are gigantic metaphors and tell stories.  Its how I understand life.  It is how I live.  To me, I get what Jesus says.

Because I thought I had, and what I thought I had was taken away.  Isaiah 6:9-13 nails it on the head for me. I was stubborn, and had to be reduced to a stump to become a holy seed.  My heart was calloused, and now I have naught but a stump to start from.  But I have that stump, and the stump will be a holy seed.

I had to be laid to waste and ruin to be free from all the things that were keeping my light from shining, my tree from growing.

I think I had to be cut down to size and then cut down again.  And God will keep doing it as long as I think I have.  You know why?  I don't have a thing.  I am nothing without my Holy God. All my righteous acts are nothing but filthy rags compared to the light of God.  Without Him, I am lost.  Without Jesus I have no hope.  God owns it all, and it is all His doing, the Holy Spirit's work, and none of my own.  So when I think I have stuff, God is gonna take it all away.  I only truly have when I cling to my Savior, my Liberating King.  For He provides all I need.

Thanks Renata for challenging me to this, as I have learned more about myself and my God this week from the same verse I have read over and over again that I ever have before.  And thanks Bill Hybels whom she stole the idea from.  And thanks Holy Spirit for being the origin of these ideas, and our motivation to follow them.  Continue working in me, sanctifying me Jesus.  Amen.

Digging around - Luke 8 reflections

If you read my last post, you might remember how my friend challenged me to read Luke 8 every day.  I have been, despite being tired as all get-out and thinking of how boring and repetitive it is, I have read Luke 8 every day.  Today, I started out in the middle of Luke 8, as I had put my bookmark there for some reason.  It helped me, because I started out with the story of the possessed man and the pigs that jumped over a cliff.  Luke 8 has so much in it, so it was nice to kind of start off there and then come back to the beginning later. 

How many times have I read the parable of the sower?  (Luke 8:1-15) How often do I know that I need good soil? See I have read this passage a million times, but to what level have I "gotten" this passage?  One may never truly know.  I do know however, that I hit a realization today about the passage.  Perhaps its because I haven't spent much of my life paying attention to gardening, or farming, or anything of the sort.  People in this neighborhood where I live pay landscapers that come in pickup trucks during the day while they are at work to do the magic for them.  Perhaps I had always thought that was a magic process myself.

At this house, there is no landscape fairy.  My dad and his wife mow the lawn, pull the weeds, water and fertilize, etc.  My whole family helped out with the mulch, as my dad had rented a wood chipper and did away with all the branches from a tree he cut down in the back yard.  I pulled weeds in the front, I have mowed the lawn.  This stuff takes work.  And it keeps growing back.  If you don't watch it, the yard will be full of weeds, the little plastic barriers that keep the grass in the grass and the wood chips in the wood chips comes up, and the plants will take over your yard.  Mowing the back yard it takes several attempts to get around the bushes that want to slice your skin open while you mow the grass underneath.  The earth is moving, and rocks and other barriers fall over, become loose and need re-adjustment.

I have vague memories of helping my parents in our backyard garden as a child.  I know we had one, my grandmother had one, and my aunt had one.  We grew cucumbers, zucchini, tomatoes and corn.  My grandmother grew beans that I loved to pick off the vine and eat.  My favorite memory is probably feeling the wet mud between my toes, which later was hosed off- kids are not afraid to get dirty. The food from the garden was so good and delicious.  It was even more so because we worked for it.  We tended the garden, pulling weeds and making sure it had fertilizer and water.  My dad had this monster machine that tilled the ground under every year.  It was huge in comparison to my child body, and we had to stay far away. It was a monster, consuming the soil and working it hard.  This garden took work.

Why am I to think that my "soil" doesn't require work in order to produce fruit?  The thing that makes my soil the 4th soil in the parable is how much work I put into this soil.  Some people will always be gravel roads.  They go to work, watch tv, have a beer, go to bed, and get up and do it again the next day.  They aren't very deep, and it shows.  They don't have many weeds, but they don't have much fruit either.  They keep their grass mowed tight to the ground, letting nothing and no one in. The fence on this land is tall and topped with barbed wire.  Maybe even electrified.  Some people are deep, but they have so many weeds in their life.  Years of depleted soil inherited from generations of bad gardening.  They can't tell a good plant from a bad plant.  The roots are so entangled, and they continue to think that the problem is the good plant, not the weeds that take over their lives.  There is no fence on this land.  Those are some extremes.

What is my yard supposed to look like?  Well, there is a fence, but also a gate.  Regular weeding, watering, and fertilizing happens.  This means I need to fertilize with the Word of God.  Water with Living Water.  Erect boundaries and pull things in my life that might take vital nutrients away from my tree of life.  I desire to bear fruit.  I need to let the Master Gardener come in.  He does much of the work, but I need to work with him, listen to him and do what he says in order to have everything aesthetically pleasing but also full of life and nutrients, producing much fruit.

Do you see what I see?  Are you hearing what I hear?  I need to work for God's landscaping company.  I need to dig around and work my soil.  I need to contribute to this, if I don't then someone else will.  And the seeds will be snatched before they have a chance to take root.  This life isn't easy, its hard work.  Its very hard grueling work at times.  But once I have the groundwork laid out and a routine in place, its not so bad.  Every once and a while I have to rotate my crops, or take a fallow season.  Sometimes I have to burn the whole place down so that everything can grow up stronger and more resilient.  It kills the undergrowth and gives the good things a chance to really shine.  I am going to have to break a sweat, I just can't sit back and watch it happen.  This isn't a movie or novel, this is life.  This is my garden.  What do you see?

Feeling pursued, in a good way

God for certain has been after my heart.  I cannot deny this.  What he seeks is nothing but the best for me, and I need to give up all of my ideas of what that means.  I need to cast aside any image I may hold of my Lord and let him show me his face.

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest has been a fantastic journey doing just that.  Well for me it has anyway.  I have been doing something crazy in that I have been picking it up and reading it every day.  Nearly every day this devotional speaks directly to where I am exactly on my spiritual journey. 

The last few days have really gotten to me. What do you want, what you will get, and the graciousness of uncertainty were the titles.  Essentially I have learned that I need to seek God, and his will to find peace, when I give God my life, he gives it back to me, and we need not be certain of what is going to happen, only certain of God.

My dear inspiration, Janet McMahon titled her blog "Losing Life" and ever since then I have been contemplating what it means that you need to lose your life in order to find it.  Its kind of funny how God works like that.  I lost my "life" or at least my expectations, desires and designs from my own doings.  I sit here in my dad's basement unemployed and unsure what life will bring me, but yet I have an odd sense of peace filling me.  It can only be the Holy Spirit.

Honestly, I feel like God has wiped my slate clean so that he can give my life back to me.  And I mean by this the life that is truly life.  I mean by this the life that God intended for me.  I mean fixing the past, healing old wounds, and starting out on the path that he intends for me, not the one that I intended for me.

God wants me to stop reading the novel, and start living it.

I feel much like I am a child on the day before Christmas, filled with anticipation for what Santa left under the tree. I am filled with expectation and excitement, wondering what it is that God has planned for me.  What's next Abba?  Where are we going together Lord?

And right now, being filled with that very expectation is just what God wants for me.  The journey is filled with joy and discovery and adventure, and my God, He is so good.  Truly I tell you that I have everything I could ever need right now.

My pride was chewed, swallowed, digested, and flushed.  Now I value things that I cannot lose.  My God meets me there, and I am so grateful.  He chases me onward, upward, toward righteousness and healing. 

Yeah, there is stress, but it doesn't rule me.  Peace rules.  Jesus rules.

Growing Pains

There is a reason that God calls us to live in community.  There is something special that happens when you get together with other people searching to know God better.  I experienced that last night.  Sometimes it means you get knowledge imparted to you, sometimes it means you get loved, sometimes it just helps you to take layers of dust off of your heart.

I am going to share what I got.  It may or may not be the best theology, but its Bible Truth to ME right now.  One of the biggest things I have been concerning myself with is how I was going to impact others for Christ. I have asked God to break my heart for what breaks his.  I always, always, always thought that meant taking Christ's light to other people.  Now it does, and my heart still breaks for those who don't know Jesus, and those who are struggling to survive.  But last night I learned that Jesus' heart breaks for the brokenness in me.

You see, I have been struggling with all of the things that are broken in me.  I have been crawling behind Jesus with broken legs in pursuit of him.  Sometimes the hardest thing for me to accept is that Christ wants to heal me.  To reach my broken parts.  Not the surface brokenness, but the deep down years and years of backwards thinking and acting brokenness.  The things I learned wrong, the poor self-esteem, the things that have been holding me back from becoming the creation that God intended for me.

Specifically I see these issues being worked out (in no particular order): father issues, neighbor issues, shyness, being  mom, being a woman, being a friend, deep, deep deep.  I think the first three years of my life, I let God work on my appearance, my surface stains.  The truth is that I am more like a head of lettuce or an onion, I have layers and layers of my life that need to be peeled back and cleaned.  I have basic structural faults that need to be broken and reset.  Continually I am placed into the refiner's fire and burning off the chaff.

God this all hurts, but I consider it nothing but growing pains in the light of your Holy Spirit in me.  I consider it sore muscles that haven't been worked in a while.  My tears are bitter-sweet.  I long to be righted.  I long to be made stronger in you.  This breaking and re-shaping of myself, its not fun, but it is good.

Savior, he can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. 
Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.
So take me as you find me, all my fears and failures, fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in, and now I surrender.
Savior, he can move the mountains.

Call me out - please!

Today I got something that I love- I got called out.  It was horribly true and confrontational, but for my benefit.  See, true real friends want me to grow, and not be stuck.  I love it.  I love my friend for what she said.  She isn't one for blogs, so when I write one I want to share, I have to cut and paste in email to her.  She nailed major issues on the head here.  So I want to ask you to read what she wrote, and be changed.  I want to not to burn out or fade away, but to shine on.

Don't be a shooting star on this one Shelley.
If I can be brutally honest here ( you know I will be because you are tough and you can take it and you also know that I love you)

You habit is to be a big shot - but just out of the gate.
Then you fizzle out. You need to KEEP STANDING if you know what I mean.
Look if you have a cause-FIGHT FOR IT
If you want to start and group- THEN STAY WITH IT TIL THE END
If you are writing a book - THEN WRITE IT TIL THE WORDS THE END ARE WRITTEN

Leaders don't just "start things" they see them through. They are people of honor ( hopefully) and I know the best leaders are transparent. They are the same on Sunday at church and on Friday nights. No one is surprised to hear that they are a Christian.-if there is surprise- then somethin aint right.
We are studying  "Sin in the Mirror" and it has been tough to swallow.

Taking my own inventory (ONCE AGAIN Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr)  There is always work to do on myself. So I will continue in Gods grace and mercy.

I never want to be the person that says one thing- and does something completely different! NOT EVER!

Be mindful Shelley that people are always watching you because you claim to be an ambassador of Jesus- I will be so bold to say ACT LIKE IT
You are the daughter of the KING -----ACT LIKE IT
We can give lip service and we can talk the talk- that is easy
Walking the walk however....another story

At the end of the day ask God to show you where you gave lip service or where you pleased Him and hear Him.
Just letting you know that God WILL show you and it will hurt for a while.....
just sayin...............
Been tough on me too....
join me on that challenge will ya?

I love you and believe in you Shelley Egeland

Yes, I am joining in on this challenge.  I am asking people to hold me accountable because like she said I also do not want to be the person who says one thing and does another.  Help me, pray for me, and join me if you will.  

Hakuna Matata- it means no worries

I was seeking answers, I knocked and the door opened.

I have come to this point amidst all the chaos where I am totally surrounded by peace.  Part of me worries its a manic phase, but there is just this overwhelming feeling and peace which cannot be described without words.  I feel anxious and excited, but more in the anticipatory stage than anything else.  Not to say that bad thoughts don't get in and worm their way to my head.  I call upon God and a peace which surpasses all understanding is mine.

How can I explain it? I cannot.  All I can figure is this: God has a purpose in putting me where I am and I need to trust him.  I have been blessed every time I do trust God, he has never not kept a promise (which means he always has) and his word says he will not leave or forsake me.  So, why worry?  Hakuna Matata my friends.  Okay, not quite.  Yes I have worries, yes I certainly have troubles.  Is it going to be okay? Yes.  I am going to grow and learn from this experience like never before.

Talking to strange men in bars is not a habit of mine - well it hasn't been for a long, long time.  Yet Friday night I had a divine appointment with a guy named Sam.  Now this was an after-conference networking event, so its not like I was hanging in bars trying to pick up men.  In fact, I was peaceful in my chair until God told me to move.  The bar was loud, and I found myself between two conversations, unable to hear any of them.  So I got up and moved, perchance I started talking to Sam because he welcomed me to sit next to him.  I think he was looking for a conversation as well.  Or "networking" as they call it in business circles.  We exchanged stories, and my mouth ran on a bit as always.  I can't help but brag on my church and my pastor.  I amazed myself as I was actually able to hold eye contact with a stranger. (I am getting better!) What really impressed him was when I was so flat-out honest and open about the rough times I had been going through.  And I don't' mean I impressed him like he thinks I am awesome, but like I made an impression, an impact if you will.  He told me that I encouraged him.  It was a word others had told me before, about how God has his hand on me, and I said so, but I said it in a way as if to say "really? are people just being nice?"  He said to me "you should listen to God's people."

I know that honestly most people in my shoes would be pretty darn well depressed, if not suicidal.  If I let myself linger on it, it can bring me down.  But you see, my hope is not in things or status or money or whatever can rust or be eaten by moths.  My hope lies in things eternal;  love, relationship, family, things that you can't buy with any amount of money.

Interesting how the conference talked about stripping away idols, and here I am stripped naked of my home, my financial stability, my income, a source of pride and stress and something to hold over my husbands head, and living in the last place I ever thought I would be.

I asked God for clarity, yet I have had the truth all along (kinda like the Force!)

1. Write a book.  There is a story in all of this that will help others and spread the gospel.  There might be several books.
2. Discipleship.  Do it, work on it, commit to it.  I find it important even before so I should just do it. (I am starting a small group if you are interested)
3. Community House.  I would love to figure out what it means for us to live and share homes as a Christian family. 

This is where I am called and to what.  Right here, right now. At this place and time. Surrounded with exactly who I am surrounded by. God answers prayer, makes everything work out for good, and I am confident He will be beside me, leading the way even, every single step of the way.

Living like its Saturday

I think most Christians live life on Saturday, I mean, they knew Jesus, saw the miracles he performed, but then on Friday he was crucified.  We forget that Sunday happened.  We forget the open grave.  We forget the resurrection, we forget Jesus lives.  Easter becomes about a bunny and chocolate and jelly beans, not an empty grave. 

When bad things happen, or things we consider to be bad happen, do we turn from our God, forgetting how in 3 days Jesus defeated death and became our resurrected Lord? So often we take the opinion that its the end, that the story is over. 

But when you begin to live your life like its Sunday, instead of Saturday, you have a new outlook on things.  Death and endings are just the beginning, and there are so many new opportunities for a brand new start.

I just lost my job in March.  Honestly, it took me a while to get to the place where I was okay with it.  I was living a few days in Friday mentality, then quite some time in Saturday.  I didn't feel anymore, just lost my hope.  But, I look to my God and know that he has something spectacular planned for me.  I know that every single time I trust in him, I am not disappointed, he blows my mind. Sunday comes, and the grave is empty.  Jesus lives! 

Last year, we brought home Jeramy to be a part of the family, this year I don't know what the empty grave really means, but I know it is going to be awesome, and nothing that I could imagine.  God always has something planned that we can't imagine.  His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, his ways are higher than my ways.  So now, my Saturday takes on a whole different meaning than it used to.  Before, it was dead, but now it is alive.  Instead of dread and disappointment, Saturday holds anticipation for me of what Sunday might bring.

Which Saturday do you live in?  The one where there is no hope?  I want to invite you to take this Saturday to open your heart and your mind to the idea that something miraculous is about to happen.  Something you can't even fathom the height or depth of the impact on your life.  Trust in the ONE who defeated death.  Trust that what God may remove from your life he only means to replace with something way more better.

Jesus was awesome- but if he didn't leave, defeat death, he couldn't send his Holy Spirit to fill us. Thanks God for Friday, Saturday, but especially for Sunday.

Happy Easter.

Vision

My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  I have been reading it every day.  Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words.  I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts.  We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts.  Sometimes it makes me wonder.

If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.

 That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday.  That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working.  I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.

"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.

Um, oh yeah is that me.  I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish.  Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off.  Why?  Because I am selfish and impatient.  I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing.  I need to find a balance there.  There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.

Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.

So confused.  I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own.  I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness.  I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision.  It is not too late, but I am so lost.

It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.

God I need you here.  Show me some light.  I think I need to spend some time in your word.  Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path.  Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.

Living out of sanity

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Two Hands by Jars of Clay

Well the last month has been, well, a struggle to say the least.  Honestly I can say that my depression and anxiety have been getting the best of me.  The song above really lists a lot of how I feel. Pretty much every single word. 

The self I was and the self I am in Christ are battling it out right now.  You might have noticed my lack of status updates on Facebook/Twitter.  Well, I just haven't had anything good to say, I had forgotten much.  Yesterday, I had to run away from myself.  Thank God it was Tuesday.  Celebrate the Journey day.  My one day to come in and say I am broken and people say "that's great! Me too!"  I can feel like total crap coming in, and coming out feel so much better about it later.  I was in a spiral that needed to be broken and I broke it.

In group we talked about doing things our way, and how that doesn't really benefit us, but hinders us.  It was our last meeting as a group, and the leader bought us all cards and had us write a letter to ourselves, so that one day when the Holy Spirit prompts her, she will send them out.  Honestly I don't care if I never get it because I think it was what I needed that night.  That card, that exercise, that group.

I got a phone number from a person whom I love and she wants to be there for me.  I got told that I had taught someone a lot and I should not give up leading.  I got told that my humility and willingness to be lead and learn is a wonderful trait of a good leader.  I hear all of these good things about me, and I remember the joy I once held.  The spark that still resides inside of me as a burning ember waiting to be fanned into flame.

Somewhere inside this darkness and hurt is someone is loves life, and being healthy, and making good choices, and helping others.  Somewhere inside here is a leader with a heart to follow God's will.  Somewhere in here, somewhere...  And I haven't lost hope.  I haven't given up.  God hasn't given up on me, my friends have not given up on me.

Keep praying for me, help me thaw this icy buildup. 

From this moment on

We all know those moments in time where things will change forever.  The day we take the wedding vows, the day you find out the test results, the day the phone rings with unbearable news.  Well this weekend, God reached down and touched my heart, my marriage, my family.

My sister invited Dave and I up for a marriage conference at her church.  She offered to pay the way for Dave and I as well as watch Jeramy.  Not only that, she offered to pay for our gas and meals!  How awesome was that?  So I took Friday off of work and we drove up to Wisconsin after school.  I should have looked at the construction on the Interstates, because it seemed like it took us forever to get up there.  Especially when Jeramy asked every fifteen minutes.  This was his first trip up to visit his Aunt Megan in Wisconsin, and see Lake Michigan.  He loved it.

We stayed at the home Megan lives at, with the Reynolds family.  They live down the street from her church, and it saved us a ton of gas and time when the conference got moved to Living Light instead of the other church it was going to be at.  Not only that, but the Reynolds helped us to feel at home, and they were extremely gracious hosts, full of love and hospitality.  Their two children are darling, and full of love and energy.  We had a comfortable bed, a hot shower, hot coffee (even had my creamer!) and good food and atmosphere!

I have been looking forward to this weekend with anticipation, knowing that things would be different.  Would my behavior change, my attitude?  I wasn't sure, but much like the woman in the Bible who bled for 8 years, I was hurting and waiting for an opportunity to touch Jesus.  I knew that Jesus would be there this weekend, and that things would be different.  I just wasn't sure how.

A few weeks ago Celebrate the Journey had a healing service, it was awesome and much was healed and repaired there.  It was like preparing the way.  This weekend I had heart surgery.  God showed me how things were wrong in my heart, and I opened up for him to come and repair it.  And I surrendered.  I gave Jesus all of the chaos, all of my mistakes, all of my past, all of my pain.  And he took it.

I am lighter in spirit now.  Heavier with the right spirit might be more appropriate.  The dark clouds are completely gone from me.  Now is a very critical time in my life, because once you sweep a house clean of bad spirit, you need to fill it with the right spirit, the Holy Spirit. 

Often we talk alot about God the Father, or Jesus the Son, but there is three parts to Trinity. God the Spirit, the Comforter, Counselor, Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit.  Jesus left the earth so that the Comforter might come.  Oh come Emmanuel, God with us.  And He is.  He knocked, and I opened the door.

I have been quite aware of the Holy Spirit for much a long time, and trying to be obedient to its call.  But I had just been keeping it on my friends list like an acquaintance, hanging out with Him when I needed to.  Not anymore.  I need Him constantly, and this weekend, He moved into my heart, for good, to stay.

I am excited to see how He is moving in my husband.  I know Dave was touched and changed as well.  I also know I must wait for the words to come to him to describe it, let him ponder it a while.  God so very much has control over it, and I worry not.

There are many things that are going on in my heart, and that is just one.  If you know me at all, I always have lots going on.  That's just me.  But you see they are all just strings in this beautiful tapestry that I am letting God weave of my life.

I finished Monkey and the Fish, and have moved on to Irresistible Revolution (Shane Claiborne), and a Swindoll book on Grace.  I am inspired to change the way I live my life.  I am not sure what that looks like, but I know that this weekend is just a marker in what begins a new season for me, my marriage, and my family. 

Spring arrives to heal the ground.