The stump will be a seed

This image keeps coming up in my head.  My mom drew this.  She took some time to get away and she drew this picture.  It has become very important to me.  My sister has the original.  I am considering getting it tattooed.  Why?  Its me.  Its my theme.  Its my word.  It is my life.

Its is yours too, if you choose.

The theme just keeps coming up.  Recently I got to meet Dave Gibbons when he talked about Isaiah 6 at Story conference.  That was probably the most awesome thing for me.  I love what Dave is doing with his church and- well his name is Dave so that automatically enters him in with the cool guys.  I love how he talks about the pain principle.  The pain principle simply states that people have a hard time relating to your successes, but they easily relate to your failures and your pain.  A good leader knows this and uses it to their advantage.

I have been going through a lot of pain recently.  I reaped much of what I sowed, I made bad decisions, I was naive.  But much I didn't deserve.  Much just was the way life is, a result of living in a fallen world.  Lately, I have been feeling like more of a stump than a tree.  Lately I have been feeling pretty low, hollow and empty. 

Somehow, I got reminded today about the stump being a holy seed. 

I know that God will make everything bad work out for good.  I have seen it before, not just in the Bible, but in my life.  I know that Joseph had to be in a pit, enslaved, and jailed before he got to meet Pharaoh and be second in charge of all Egypt.  And Joseph was a spoiled brat who didn't know when to keep his mouth shut- which I can attest to easily being my story.  In the end, he saved the lives of the very brothers who threw him in the pit.  They feared retaliation.  But oh no, Joseph had grown.  See all those times his tree got chopped down to a small little stump, God was with him.  He took what you and I,and likely Joseph, thought to be bad things, and turned them into something that blows our minds.  Joseph's stump became a holy seed that saved thousands of people, and repaired his broken family.  In Genesis 50:20 Joseph gives God all the glory for taking something downright evil and mean and turning it into something that SAVES.

God wants to use me.  Somehow I have to remember through all the hard things I face, that God IS with me.  God was always with Joseph.  But this stump of mine will one day be a holy seed.  God will use this pain to save many.  I have to know this because it is true.  God is teaching me what it means to be humble.  God is breaking down all of the walls I put up. 

God is blowing my mind.

Who knew that a braggart spoiled brat would one day save the world?  God did.  And he's gonna take this tree and keep chopping until its time.  Because he desires me to bear much fruit. (John 15)

So what next... well John 15 tells me... remain in him.  And I will go and bear much fruit - fruit that will last.

I like that, (although don't call me fruity) I like that my stump will be a holy seed.  I like that that seed will bear much fruit.  And right now, its okay to be a stump- because I know I am in the hands of the Master Gardener.


"Any fool can count the seeds in an apple. Only God can count all the apples in one seed."
Robert Schuller, evangelist (How to Be an Extraordinary Person in an Ordinary World)

What a Turkey - Insane ramblings on the meaning of Thanksgiving

I have to apologize for my insanity of late. It seems that my emotions just overwhelm me at times. You see, its that time of the year. Time when we kill millions of turkeys off for a feast, get together with people we aren't normally around everyday, in fact some of whom we dread, and say we are thankful to God.

In America, Thanksgiving has become a holiday of celebrating our blessings by getting together with family and friends and then spend like a freak the next day. Its the official start of the Christmas (aka spending) season. Its a time when many folks gather in front of a tube to watch men tackle each other all day. Often, indulgence wins on this holiday, and holiday cheer turns into one too many beers. Leftovers become a challenge as to who can eat the most and make the most creative recipes. In all of this craziness, did you ever stop to wonder what this holiday is all about? Did you know that the word holiday came from "Holy Day" and that this day of indulgence was actually meant to be a Holy Day of reflection and celebration, giving thanks to God?

Thanksgiving occurred after the harvest, at a time when things were bountiful, and there was much to celebrate. It also helps to put on a winter layer of fat. It was a time to gather with your clan and give thanks to God. Now with all celebrations in the Bible, a special offering is given. This is the above and beyond your normal sacrificial giving, or above the tithe. It is given to the church, or should I say Church, and was used to glorify God and build up His Body.

Now if you watch Martha Stewart, you might come to the conclusion that it is used to glorify you and your home. Hosting a Thanksgiving is like boasting in your ability to provide, and showing your wealth off to your family. Why not go out and get a new couch before the family comes, because you wouldn't want them to ridicule the 5 year old one you have with that one stain from the juice your toddler spilled on it?

If you really want to honor God, do something different. Invite not just your family, but friends who have no place to go. The single mom from work who seems lonely, the nice guy who serves coffee and remembers your name, that one checker at the grocery store who won't crack a smile, but always remembers you, the recently divorced guy at the gym, those are the people that need to know they are loved. If your family judges your couch, they obviously don't care about you, and who you are. They obviously are not there to honor God and give thanks for how He has provided throughout the year.

The whole commercialization of holidays overall makes me sick.

If you don't give thanks to God, who do you give thanks to? If you only give thanks to God on Thanksgiving and when you just survived something horrible, why? Why not give thanks to God every day? Do you realize that God loves you just the way you are and wants so much more happiness and fulfillment for you? Do you realize that Jesus would have still been beaten and died on the cross if it was only for you? Do you realize that Jesus overcame death? Do you realize that it is because of Jesus you can have a relationship with God, an intimate relationship?

Thanks God, I wouldn't be where I am today without you. My shelter from the storm, my solid rock, my Redeemer, my Friend, my Lord, my God I love you.

60-60 Challenge: Day 10 musings

Check out the book on Amazon here. I posted about the 60-60 challenge after we got home, and I have to say the first few days had gone rather well. Then I hit this funk. The watch would beep and I was distracted. Oh yeah, I am supposed to think of God and then back to whatever it was. Then the guilt. I find that I am feeling guilty because I am not spending as much time as I want to with God.

Good news is that I am wanting to spend time with Him. And I am realizing how I have kept my work seperate a lot. When I get busy, I "don't have time" to spend with God. Oh, why now, I am busy God, call back later. Then something hit me today while driving to work.

Who is God, who is King? Quit trying to "force" God to serve you. You serve God. Get your a$$ off of that throne! You don't belong there. My new pal Lundie reminded me that God is in the room with me, and the beep is just to remind me of that. So, now I am feeling special, like God loves me.

God loves me so much that he wants a personal relationship with me. He knows I get busy, but he is always there. He is the omnipotent one, not me. He wants me to recognize that I am serving him in EVERYTHING I do. So, yes, sometimes I feel like a crummy servant.

Lord, I just want to be a willing servant. Just writing about you has filled my heart with the love you have for me. I am overwhelmed. I am not worthy. Yet you say that I am. Thank you Lord. Thank you Jesus.

Funny thing is, I forgot my watch today. I am constantly looking at the clock and thinking of Jesus, wondering if it has been an hour yet. I have not let even a half hour go by without thinking of God. I just want to be with him, I want him to be enough for me. Because lately, I have been slacking on my eating. Mindless eating. Peanut M&Ms eating... like half the bag before I make my husband hide it. I ate half a box of Wheat Thins the first night I brought them home. I wonder why my stomach aches!?!?

All of you, is more than enough for, all of me, for every thirst and every need, you satisfy me, with you love, and all I have in you is more than enough. You are my supply my breath of life, still more awesome then I know. You are my reward worth living for. You're my sacrifice of greatest price, you're the coming king, you are everything.... still more awesome than I know.

I got excited because I realized I have 5 more of these "ten day weeks" left with God in the 60-60, so this will be fun. I know that God is stretching me, growing me, and working me awesomely. So much to pray for, so much to be thankful for.

Weigh IN.... and travelling and pants

Last weigh in weight: 238.5
Today's weight: 242.7
Total weight lost: 34.9 lbs.
Weight to lose to mini-goal: 17.7

This is what happens when you go to Burger King, McDonalds, or Sonic every day.
Also you spend a lot of time on your butt in a car or plane.
Also your Aunt Flo is in town and she is not in a very good mood. She brought a lot of baggage with her.

Celebrating this week: I went to the Old Navy jean sale on Saturday. Jeans were 12 bucks for adults. The largest size they have is a 20. I fit in them! Too bad they don't make my butt look like that<----- The great news is that I can finally shop at Old Navy and have Old Navy jeans. This has been a lifelong dream of mine, odd but true. See I have always had to shop in the Men's section, and now I don't have to, except for my husband, and now I can buy pants (for me!). Hopefully, my old pants will travel to someone who really needs them, as I will be donating them. I have a lot of reflections for the week, but it requires a separate post.

Monday--I mean Tuesday Weigh-IN

Last weigh in weight: 239.9
Today's weight: 240.2
Total weight lost: 37.4 lbs.
Weight to lose to mini-goal: 15.2

Ruggy went home last night. Didn't get to say goodbye. I will miss him. I like the idea of a dog who will just lay down next to you. Abby won't. I don't think its possible for her. As a Jack Russell, she is doomed with doggy ADD. Laying still for her only happens when nobody else is doing anything.

The cat had just gotten used to the idea that Rugby would be staying here when he left. We hadn't seen her for a few days except for a few privileged cameo appearances for a nibble of food. She finally came out of her shell only to have Rugby leave. She is still happier that he is gone. So is Abby, because they don't have to compete for attention.

Okay, I will address the weight thing now. I am finding it hard to eat healthier. I indulged and ordered my quesadillas from Chili's and ate the whole plate. I should have packed up half, but no, I didn't. I knew I wouldn't. Dave's folks took us to Buffalo Wild Wings, I got the Buffalo Ranch Wrap, which is boneless fried chicken wings in sauce with ranch dressing, lettuce tomato and flour tortilla. I kept the chips and salsa, which is way better than buffalo chips, but stole like 5 or 6 of Dave's. That was Saturday. Then on Sunday we started off with Jimmy Johns, then at the concert, I had a hot dog and a slice of pizza. Then I had an entire enchilada plate at the taco place. I haven't been getting in my vegetables. (how do you do that at a ball park???) I haven't been eating my fruit even. I want smoothies, I bought frozen strawberries, but need ice and bananas. I shop tonight. Last night I ate Dave's leftover boneless chicken wings and nothing else. No veggies. I did eat a salad at work. With fat -free dressing.

What is stopping me? Me. Today Dave is picking up Portillo's for lunch. I ordered a beef with sweet peppers. Is it better than my two hot dog order, one with everything, one chili dog with?? Of course we will split the fries. I should eat some veggies first, so I don't over do it. I am ready to lose these next 15lbs, but I seem to be waiting at the bus stop. Its like saving money by not eating out... that's not happening here.

My car being in the shop, I have not been able to go to the gym yesterday or today, but I have bad sciatica from the concert on Sunday, so it might be good to rest -- or should I say not push it, until it chills out.

I did do one thing that has motivated me. I went and bought two new bras. It's like I have my boobs back. They were just hanging out, and now I feel like they are showing up and have shape. I went down quite a few sizes, so they are now properly supported. AND I got a "sports" bra as one of them. It was my godsend on Sunday as it kept the moisture off of my boobs. They were like the only thing dry on my body!

Ignite Chicago Rocked!

Yesterday, we un-officially launched our small group. For our first meeting, we had Jimmy Johns and went to Ignite Chicago!

It was awesome! My sister came down from Kenosha, and we met up with my buddy Bob. We also ran into a bunch of my friends from CCC.

Todd Agnew got on stage right after we got there, and he totally rocked! It was so good to hear live "Grace Like Rain" and some other awesome songs. When he finished, I went up to the concourse to browse stuff and fight the crowds to get more water. I ended up at the Todd Agnew table getting his new album right when this lady came up and said "Mr. Agnew is coming up now to sign autographs, you better start forming your line" to the guy in charge of the table. So, guess who was in the front of the line? ME! I got to thank Mr. Agnew for Grace Like Rain, because it has gotten me through a lot of hard times in my life and faith. He signed my CD and I asked if I could give him a hug. The man looked exhausted. Apparently there was a death in the family of one of the band members, so they had to catch a flight. That on top of the sweltering heat and crazy life of touring would have done me in. I am just so thankful for the opportunity to say thank you in person.

Of course, it was awesome as usual to see the David Crowder Band up on stage. They put on a great show, complete with the Keytar, the Guitar Hero guitar and the banjo. Not to mention the crowd interaction and the ho-down. Of note there was some girl next to me dancing like an MTV HO, and I said to her friend "that's the wrong kind of ho-down" and I don't think she got it.

Then we pushed up front for Mercy Me. Now, I know I know Mercy Me, and like their stuff, but couldn't have named a song they sing until now. Just because I have a hard time matching songs with artists, especially names, I have a hard time with names. Anywho, I was with my girl Pearl, and we had a great time worshiping God and rocking out together. We had a shared holy moment, and I got us some Mercy Me T-shirts to commemorate it, so we will remember it always.

Our legs were wiped, so we got some food and drinks, and sat down on our blankie for Newsboys. They did this awesome thing during the encore with the drums, I cannot wait for someone to post it on youtube. The lead singer kinda is creepy to me, but Paul Coleman totally is awesome. AND GET THIS, Paul likes them! Sweet!

After finding our way home, and almost destroying my car in the garage, we ate at Los Burritos Tapatios and came home exhausted. Of course we stank, so everyone had to shower before bed. But, great times were had by all.

Thanks to Edan concerts for throwing this together. It rocked!

Monday Weigh IN!

Last weigh in weight: 245.6
Today's weight: 241.8 (loss = 3.8)
Total weight loss: 35.8
Weight to lose till next mini-goal: 16.8

If I lose 1.9 lbs then I have to drop a point in my WW calculations, less food! But its a good thing!

Did really well eating except for yesterday. A trip to the ER with Dave meant no breakfast, so we hit Brown's chicken on the way home... YUMMY! Corn Fritters with powdered sugar? Oh yeah, fried dough-licious. And their chicken beats KFC a million to one! Then my stomach hurt last night, gee I wonder why, so I had egg noodles and Maalox for dinner. (Not at the same time...)

Oh Dave??? You can pray for him. His digestive system is giving him a really hard time (will spare you details), and we have an appointment with the GI doc on Tuesday. Luckily he isn't dying or anything so the ER docs let us go home pending our Tuesday appointment.

Well, off to the gym, gotta keep up this losing streak!

Monday Weigh-IN

Think of a lapse as if you broke a plate of your best china; Would you go and break all the rest of your dishes or do you just mourn the loss of your broken plate and move on? from weightwatchers.com

Okay, so I had a tough week!

Last weigh in weight: 244.5
Today's weight: 245.6 (gain 1.1 lbs)
Total weight loss: 32
Weight to lose till next mini-goal: 20.6

I have to "thank" my "Aunt Flo" for her contributions to my cravings, and McDonald's for their ice cream cones only being 1 buck.

But, I have to move on, and I am beginning to track points again today, asking my husband to hold me accountable at the end of the day that I did it.

The worst part is when someone congratulated me in front of others for the good choices I was making when I knew I made some bad, bad choices this week. Example: Wendy's Double with Cheese. I never, and I mean never order double cheeseburgers from Wendy's! I know that alone was the one pound I gained.

Good news, I didn't slip far and today is a new day. I need to take this one day at a time.

Why I haven't blogged about WW

I have had someone ask me how things are going with Weight Watchers. Here is the update: I was not really on it while on vacation. Since I have been back, I am back to my weight before I left. Eating french fries with every meal is not very conducive to weight loss. Also, did not have time to exercise in my busy trip out west.

After evaluating my finances, and with the ever growing price of gas, I can no longer afford to pay 40 bucks a month to get weighed. I am considering purchasing a scale for 20 bucks instead. I would rather spend that 40 bucks on iTunes and have more music to go to the gym with!

I had a good three months solid where I learned the system, and it is going to be up to me to keep the weight loss going. It was always up to me anyways, but paying the bucks made me accountable.

So now I will be accountable to you folks... I am going to get a scale, work out, watch what I eat, and track my weekly weight loss here on the blog.

Woo hoo, are you as excited as me? (Probably not.) Here is the brave part... I am going to list my actual weight and clothes size! Hey, if I can do it on WW to a bunch of strangers, why not here? I am trying to love myself for who I am, no matter what.

Props to my cuz, Tammy, who has lost a whole jeans size! I would love to fit into her old jeans! I hear that my sis Megan is down to about the same jean size, so I should have plenty of jeans when I get down to one above them! I still have 4 sizes to lose to catch up to them. Its okay, because I was always the biggest and the oldest, so it will just be a longer period of time. I had more time to gain... Also, my Aunt recently got back into an old pair of jeans, she is looking really good! I am so proud of us! Our family is getting smaller! In a good way! Even Dave needs some new pants...

This weight loss is getting expensive! New clothes cost money... good thing I have some hand me ups from my sis.

All day with Dave

Saturday was one of the longest days ever. It was also one of the bestest days ever. Dave and I started out at Brady Spring Family Fun Day, helping kids to make flowers by tracing their hands onto felt, cutting it out and then using pipe cleaners to put it all together. We even helped a few parents to do so. It was fun, but we don't want to see felt and pipe cleaners for a long time.

After running home to let out the dog and grab a bite, we headed to the Box. Dave got to run cameras for the service and I greeted with a smile, handing out our new Connection Cards. Dave and I got surprise gifts from our friend Deb! (Thanks Deb!)

What amazes me is how many friends Dave and I have made since coming to the church. It has been 2 years, and there are soooo many hugs to be had. They help me get through the week.

When our duties were done, Dave and I filed into the Icon Theatre for the closing showing of "Love Notes." See, we had a "date night" and this was our time. Yes, we had already been at the box for 4 hours, but the next two slipped by like nothing. We sat side by side, holding hands and laughing, holding hands and snuggling, all while being entertained by wonderful excerpts from different plays and musicals. What we really enjoyed was seeing the chemistry on stage of the married couples that we know. While they were playing characters, we saw their true love shining through. It made us glad inside.

Then we headed off to dinner at Texas Roadhouse. The Roadhouse has become one of our favorite restaurants. They have awesome steaks at very reasonable prices. Seeing as I am on WW now, I got the 6 oz sirloin, instead of the 12 oz ribeye. Dave still got the ribeye. They were delicious.

We hurried home to the joy of Abby who was disappointed we did not have a doggy bag. (Do you blame us? That was some good steak!) We watched a movie that my friend loaned me (like a month ago, sorry it took so long!) Finally we slept, and we slept hard. You would too after 5 hours sleep and a 17 hour day.

Today the sun is out. Thank you God for the sunshine!

Super Bowl Sunday pre-game, post Saturday reflections

For the first time in forever, I am actually invited to a SuperBowl party that is not a family party. No offense family, it just feels nice to have friends other than those related to you by blood.

Last night I chopped up veggies, and nearly my finger, to get ready for today. Tons of veggies it seems. I think I overbought. Don't ask about the band aid, I might give you the finger. Literally, I cut my middle finger thanks to a roly-poly carrot. Don't worry, its just a mere flesh wound.

Monday at the WW meeting seems like a long, long time ago. I have really struggled this week with a lot of emotion, and don't have my full 35 extra points left for today. Yet, I know it will be okay. I will be surrounded by lovely friends.

Yesterday, God really met me and answered my needs. At CCC, we had the Generosity Conference. Thanks to Eric, we learned that Gener- os- ity will save your soul. (I will never get out the "its just another Sunday, here at Community" out of my head.) I learned tons of great things, but the biggest thing I got was something that cannot be put into words. Dave Ferguson gave the last talk of the day, and at the end, I was in tears. It was the prayer that really met me. Somewhere in there, God said that if I keep Him first in my life, everything will be okay. Dave's passion and commitment to God and His Kingdom are phenomenal, and you hear that when he speaks. I feel the anointing.

I feel really blessed to be going to church and doing life with my CCC family. There is something special when your pastor loves to greet you and hug you. When Tim Bakker asks me how I am, I know that he really wants to know, he is not just being nice. You cannot buy that with any amount of money. I love how I can't get through a crowd without getting at least 3 hugs. This "community" thing is for real, and I cannot imagine my life without it.

God, all this means so much to me, so much more than any amount of money ever could. I feel like I have won the SuperBowl of life by being on your team. Thank you for all you have given me. Please, help my heart to stay focused on You and Your Kingdom, take away my selfishness. Help me to remember this in my darkest times, that we will prevail against the gates of death. You have displayed this to me many times. Bring it from my head to my heart. Help me to follow through on what I believe and what I feel so I may lead the life that you want for me. I pray these things in the name of your son, Christ Jesus, Amen.

Birthday ponderings

One week until my birthday comes up. One week until that number clicks over and I get OLDER. Age is just a number, so why do I dread aging? Maybe its also a bit because I have that clock tick tick ticking inside me, 32 is awful close to my baby deadline of 35. It's not all that, birthdays make me think of being a kid and getting lots and lots and lots of toys, with cake and a party.

I can't have cake, I am on weight watchers. Okay fine, I can have cake but only if you figure out how many points it is, and I can only have a little. I am not really fond of cake too much except for Portillo's chocolate cake. With lots of milk. Or strawberry filled cake of some sort with whipped cream and ... stopping the fantasy now.

Birthdays used to be an excuse to get together with friends. Now they are just days again. Dave says he is going to take me out for dinner. That's cool. I just have this sadness like I am missing out on something. Not stuff, because the last thing I need is more stuff. Just like I know I can never ever be young again.

Last night, when I took the dog out at midnight, I laid down in the driveway and made a snow angel. It hadn't been plowed yet, and I knew I wouldn't be laying in dog poop. I also knew it would be gone in the morning. I was covered in snow, but I loved it.

I guess birthdays make me want to stop and smell the roses. I work on my birthday, so no going out. I just think I am going to take that day to make everyone else feel special, like it is their day. They might think I'm crazy, but I have an excuse.

Go Shelley, its yer birthday!