Randomness at 4am ishness

My sister is on her way to jolly England, with a one day jaunt into France.

My friend Rachael is going to plant a church there.

I pray that God unites them somehow. Maybe that would be awesome.

I read The Shack, and it was an easy read. Interestingly enough, I fell asleep reading it. I was oddly at peace while reading, and don't know if I dreamed I was in the Shack too. Forget how some theology is wrong... its basically right, and explains God in a way most people can understand. It certainly won't throw anyone off. And I cried a few times. I cried during the parts that I needed to heal, and somehow accepted Mack's experience as my own.

I confess I am wanting lots of stuff right now. First a computer, then a phone. I can't even pay the bills I have, I must be nuts. It has nothing to do with things and everything to do with escaping.

Truth of the matter is I have no idea how I can afford what I already have.

And the trial is coming up.

And this is the hardest time of my life.

The next 6 months will likely be the most crucial part of my life.

I need God the most right now.

I need to reach out the most right now.

I don't know how to do that. This must be a start.

I am isolating, and going back to old patterns and it needs to stop.

Help me God, be with me. Help me friends, be my friends. I am new at this and need you to reach out to me because I cannot, or do not know how. And tears fall at 4am because even though I am tired I stay up.

It hurts to see his face because I miss him so. I get angry because there is nothing I can do but wait. And I want to take the pain away from him, but I can't. Nothing I do or say will ever change a thing. Who knows what he is going through. And, I miss being pregnant. I miss this expectation of a child. I can't look in the spare room cuz of all the baby stuff and I can't do anything but cry even though I should be doing dishes or laundry or dusting or vacuuming.

And it is wrapped around my heart tightly, pressing in, squeezing. That is where the tears come from.

So much brokenness. Thank God that God is in control.

Jesus I have no idea what you are doing, but you know what is best and I have to trust in you Lord.

I lost my Bible!!!

I lost my Bible on Valentine's day.

But you see, it wasn't just a Bible, it was my Bible. My Bible had my markings, lines, highlights, hearts, notes. I could find some scripture that I wanted quickly, I knew that Bible like the back of my hand. Now, for those of you that know me, you know my Bible has gone lots of places with me. I am sure the restaurant where I last had it has it, I still have to call and find out.

I decided to buy a Bible that I could carry with me everywhere 3 years ago in February. This Bible was the perfect size and I could still read the letters without a magnifying glass or glasses. I had been reading this honking huge one, and to be honest, I did not enjoy carrying it with me everywhere. It was a great Bible, thanks Dad, but it was too big, too heavy. I was just getting into the Word, reading it a lot, journaling, and getting to know God. I had decided to follow Jesus, and buying this Bible was the first physical step for me. It was going to be one that I chose and could have near to me always.

I have spent time with my nose in that book at work, in bed, on my couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom (aka the library), on a plane, in the car, at doctor's offices, in church, at a courthouse waiting the trial that did not yet happen...

Losing my Bible, I feel like I lost a part of me. The Bible was not just a book, it was my friend, my comforter in times of stress.

Now, I have to have like over a dozen different Bibles around the house. I have the one my dad gave my mom when they were dating, I have the one I used in Jr High/High School, Dave's got tons including the Archeological Study Bible and the Apologetics Bible. He actually uses the Big Honker NLT mentioned above that I gave up in favor for the small one. Someone gave Dave a Catholic Action Bible, which is more for entertainment value than anything... that one is the largest. Next door in the spare room is at least the Superheroes Bible and the Rhyme Bible. My buddy Paul has my Message Remix.

But they aren't my Bible.

I know they are all the Word of God.

I just bought a friend the exact Bible I would have got if I were buying myself another one, well a study one. See I get distracted a lot by the footnotes, and spend too much time reading them, not enough time reading the actual Bible part.

So, pray for me. If it is God's will, I will get my friend back. If not, it's off to Family Christian to pick out a new one. I make the call tommorow.

He is always there.

If it wasn't for God, I would be terrified. He is the only thing that I can look to as I face one of the most terrifying things.

I know this: God was with me when I walked through the water, and I did not get washed away when the waves crashed down. God was with me when I walked through the fire, and I did not get singed by the flames or lose a hair in the consumption. How much more so will God be there for me now?

I know this: God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT)

I know this: my husband was a gift from God, I love him so much, and thank God for him every single day.

The last words Jesus said to us (in Matthew) before he returned to Heaven: "And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

I have found so much comfort and hope in His Word. Thank you. I know that Dave and I have each other, but it is wonderful knowing that you are with us every single step of the way.

Just you wait, the spare room will not long be spare. It is all happening!

2007 Year in Review

Wow, just looking back on Blogger for my entries over the past year... I am amazed at two major points... I was sick an awful lot, and the fact that God has really been sculpting me this year, its so awesome to see it happen. Here are some highlights:

1. I got married. It was probably the best event ever in my life so far. Thanks to all my friends and family who made it happen. I have the best husband ever.

2. I went on my Honeymoon and finally got to see the Grand Canyon. I felt so tiny in comparison to that. Yet it was really comforting to know that God cares for me, despite my insignificance in the universe. Sedona was also super cool. It was an experience I won't ever forget. Thanks to Dave's folks for the plane tickets and the rides, and Dave's brother for the house. And thanks to all the friends and family for all the cash gifts at our wedding, we couldn't have enjoyed our honeymoon without your generosity.

3. I got to wear a suit at work. This is odd for a person who wears pajamas (scrubs.) I will be doing this again in '08!

4. I changed my schedule. God put it in my heart to do so, and so I have, and it has literally changed my life. I enjoy being a part of Celebrate the Journey EVERY Tuesday.

5. My cousin Tammy got married! I was a first time bridesmaid. It was a fun wedding, Tammy glowed! Oh and I like her husband too! I will miss them when they move to Indy in the early spring.

6. Mom was laid to rest. On the one year anniversary of her passing (07-07-07) we scattered her ashes into Lake Michigan, and then went swimming! It was so awesome, and freeing. I love you Mom, see you when I get there.

7. Ignite Chicago! I got to see my two favoritest bands in concert! Tree 63 and David Crowder! It was fun, and my sister adopted a child.

8. Babies! A good friend announced that she was pregnant. Also several people at work are also pregnant, or were and now have babies!

9. I gave in and joined Facebook. Be my friend, I need more people to poke, bite, and bomb.

10. The great remodel. We moved into Dad's house for 6 weeks and lets just say I am so glad to be home, so much so we vacationed here.

11. Abby tore a cruciate ligament in her knee, she now limps.

12. We moved back in the house, then had a small fire, lived in a motel for 9 days. Yeah, its was fun, not! Praise God that its all good now.

13. I won the most likely to star in her own reality TV show at work. Funny, my life IS like a reality show.

14. Miss Daisy Mae joined Muffi and Georgie and several others in Doggie Heaven. She was a good dog. She is missed.

15. I gave my testimony. Me, I got up on stage and told intimate details of my life to friends and strangers. It was one of the most freeing experiences of my life, and I did a good job.

16. The thing we haven't made public yet. No, I am not pregnant, but intimate friends know whats up. I pray for a peaceful resolution in '08. I know its redundant putting up something I cannot tell you, but lets just say it is that big and affects me that much.

17. The spare room is occupied. Pray that our friend Paul is able to get on his feet soon.

Happy Old Year to all of you. I have grown more than I could ever imagine, and I have to give God all the glory.

Here's to an even better New Year....

Not again...

So I cleaned out the spare room a bit on Wednesday, and yesterday and today, sick. Again!!!! What is up with that? I think my spare room has germs that cause me to get sick. Either that or every time I just get over something, I work in the ER and some kid coughs on me. Dude! Seriously!

I drugged up with some Mucinex-D, and rinsed my sinus passages out. They still continue to ache, and drain and I cough. But, I am NOT going to call in sick again on my weekend to work. I can't do that to the good folks I work with. That, and I will be just as sick as the whole ER. I am going to try to make it through. Wish me luck, pray for me, cross your fingers, send positive thoughts, whatever it is that you do.

In the meantime, I am considering hiring out a flamethrower for the spare room. (Not really, but I scared you didn't I Dave?)

In a completely different arena...

This just in, the Bible is not considered indecent despite rape, incest, sex, and violence. Glad to know that some things are still taken in context. When I was a kid and grounded, I wondered why I could read about two daughters getting their father drunk and raping him to get pregnant. It was the only thing I was allowed to read (the Bible) also it was my mom's funky hip 70s version called "The Way." At least I could understand it. I don't think they still make it, but you would not believe what I found online. Think you can't understand the KJV? Try the KLV Klingon Language Version. Life is too weird. People are too weird.