I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

I missed having my life. I don't think I have truly appreciated my home until I lost it. Yet I still feel this empty spot, like something is not quite right. It still doesn't feel like home yet.

Am I trying to fill a hole with something that doesn't fit?

Maybe its because things aren't done, or because all the boxes are yet unpacked. Maybe because the kitchen is still unusable. Yet I sit here waiting for someone else to do it. I don't wanna. I am done with all of this remodeling, and I just want to live... get this pile of pictures to be hung off my couch!

Maybe my house will feel like a home when I can have people over? Who knows.

Until then... I'm fixing a hole... by going to where I belong...
I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where will it go
I'm filling the cracks that ran through the door
And kept my mind from wandering
Where will it go
And it really doesn't matter if i'm wrong
I'm right
Where i belong i'm right
Where i belong.
See the people standing there who disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door.
I'm painting my room in the colourful way
And when my mind is wandering
There i will go.
And it really doesn't matter if
I'm wrong i'm right
Where i belong i'm right
Where i belong.
Silly people run around they worry me
And never ask me why they don't get past my door.
I'm taking the time for a number of things
That weren't important yesterday
And i still go.
I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where it will go.

Unpacking

Yesterday Dave and Jola brought all of the boxes upstairs. Today Dave and I began to tackle the boxes. The Bears lost.

We are home.

The dog and the cat finally figured it out, and the more we unpack, the better they feel. Abby is still very clingy, and I woke up with both the pets in bed. Eventually they will settle down and maybe so will we.

Thanks to my aunt Robin and uncle Ray for the awesomest home cooked dinner tonight! I love you guys!

Anyone want to clean my kitchen?

Today is the day!

Yep, today Dave and I pack up and head back home! There is still a lot of work and cleaning to do, but we will be sleeping in our own bed tonight!

Yeah!

cue music "HOME" by Daughtry...

"I'm going home..."

I can almost taste it now

So it looks like we might spend our first night at home Friday, but don't hold me to it. Dave and I are both working full days until the weekend.

In the meantime, I need to run some errands and order blinds so you don't see me running around naked. AAAAAAHHH!

Guess what else? I don't know but maybe once the shock of thinking of me naked wears off you will forget how lame this post was.

So, what's up?

It looks like we will be moving in this week. (Pray, cross your fingers and knock on wood.) Dave will be working on getting the house ready today.

I am still coughing and blowing my nose, but getting better. Slowly but... surely.

Daisy is not doing too well, and she spent a day in the hospital due to low blood sugar and seizures. She is still tired and needs lots of rest. She has not been using her right back leg, which concerns us. Abby is still limping, but not as bad. Rugby and Phoebe are doing well and causing lots of trouble as usual.

My buddy Neo is settled in up in the Great North (Canada) and I posted his link up on the blog again today. Apparently the squirrels eat out of his hands up there.

Dave and I are looking forward to a trip to the circus in early November with our nieces. We miss our little darlings very much, and it should be lots of fun. Hopefully they will have lots of hugs for me, because I have a lot of hugs for them.

I looked out the window this morning, it was sunny... but raining leaves. This is when I thank God that I don't have to rake. :)

Sleep...

Yet another reason to go back to sleep...

JUST WHAT IS HE DOING?

You might have gotten this picture in your email recently. Apparently this guy in Canada started freaking out when he saw a polar bear approach his sled dogs. Turns out the bear just wanted to play, and he came back every day that week to do so.

Isn't that just like God? We get scared because we don't know his intentions. We don't want to let Him come to show us love. Yeah, its a scary thing. God is huge, I mean inconceivable, how could the Creator not be?

Be open to what God is doing in your life now. I am trying so hard to do the same for myself. These are just some of the things I want to let God help me understand:

1. How come I keep getting sick after being sick?
2. Why did you want us to stay at my Dad's for so long?
3. What is next for us? Are we meant to have kids?

God, help me to understand your will. I know you have better plans for me than I could have myself. Help me to accept them and live in your Amazing Grace, don't let me hide from your love.

What is the deal?

I have had a really bad month. I have had food poisoning, a bladder infection, and now (yet another) head cold.

I found myself having a hard time singing in church yesterday,then at work my sinuses just drained straight down my throat, leaving me feeling miserable. I did not sleep well last night, and am unsure of my condition today. All I know is my throat is scratchy and swollen. I don't like this.

Good news is that we can start moving back into our home soon. How soon? As soon as we have the time to do so. We need to move some furniture back into place, do some cleaning, then we can start with the stuff. I want my own bed back.

At least I have many cuddly dogs here, and even the cat was cuddly when I got up at 6am to empty my bladder.

Pray for me, please.

Reflections on a blade of grass

God to me is something wonderful, something I cannot get enough of. I just want to keep following his scent to see what he has in store for me. Every time I do I am never let down. Its when I go off on my own that I get into trouble.

I open up your word, and it just fills me with comfort. You wrote this just for me. Why don't others understand how awesome you are? I was one of those others. I know. Its hard to open your hands and let go. It took me forever. But YOU never let go, you kept pursuing me until I gave in. I have never been happier.

I find delight in even the blade of grass. I see creation calling out to me "Jesus is Lord!" The pain I find comes from the world, and its expectations. You know me, you know I am better than that. You want me to be all you created me to be, and then some. In your eyes, I am Captivating. I am worth rescue, and am more beautiful that any sunset. I have value in you.

What gift can I bring to one who has died so that I may live? It seems only fitting that I give my life to you. Help me. I cannot do this without you. You have resurrected, you have defeated death, you have brought me to your kingdom. Help me to live this kingdom life. Hand in hand into eternity we shall go, finding peace and joy.

I cannot do this without you, stay with me always, and help me to stay with you.

Home, home on the range

My heart cries "I want to go home." My husband comes up to me with that look in his eyes. They say there is no place like home, seriously they mean it. I love my dad and Jola, they have been very wonderful to put up with us. But moving back into our new home is so close we can taste it. I want my bed back. I want my space back, the feeling that I cannot describe other than as "home."

Also part of me knows that it is not my home, that it is just a rest stop on my journey. One day I will find myself Home, and my heart yearns for that even more than ever now. This world is not for me. Yet I have so much to learn, miles to go. I know His plans for me are great, but that doesn't stop the hole from calling out to Him.

Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. Awooooooo!

At least the toilet is in.... WHAAAAA?!?!?

Remodeling is fun... NOT!

Yesterday the windows got put in. It rained last night. Good thing it didn't rain sideways, because the windows were not caulked! Its all good.

I told the guy I wanted an elongated bowl, and bought an elongated toilet seat, but for some reason, the one he put on the cart was round. And so the story goes... its what I get for not checking on it.

Here is a tip for leaving your home. Empty your fridge before you go. Mine is still recovering from smelling like a corpse. I should know, I have worked at the morgue. Seriously.

Hopefully we can start moving in this weekend... yeah! Everything looks great, its a whole new home. I can't wait!

Shining some light on a funk

Maybe having food poisoning helped, but I have been in a funk. I want to go home. Saturday, I felt a bit like being at home. See, Saturday I went to church.

The folks at CCC have become my family. I really look forward to seeing them all and really getting this unconditional love that is only possible with God. A bunch of cool things happened, but I want to share with you two.

The first is someone I barely know said "I love you" to me. I say that I barely know her because we really haven't hung out, but we know each others souls. I root for her, and she appreciates it. And we have love for each other, sisterly love that is possible because we are vulnerable. Thank you so much, that hug was sooo good! I look forward to talking with you more soon.

The second is that God spoke to me through a friend. We were in service and she was two rows up, gave me a tissue that I really needed. Afterwards she told me that God told her to tell me something... it touched my soul. It answered a question I had been asking.

Let me elaborate. There is this passage in the Bible, in Revelations 2:17: "... To everyone who is victorious I will give some of the manna that has been hidden away in heaven. And I will give to each one a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved a new name that no one understands except the one who receives it." This passage has been on my heart, and often I wonder what name will be on my stone. I imagine how it will feel to hold that stone in my hand, feel the smoothness of the pebble and read that name for the first time.

God told my friend to tell me that my name is Captivating.

Me? My name? I am Captivating? Wow.

I was in service twice that night because I was serving, and all throughout the sermon for the second service I kept pondering on that like a school girl with a crush. I have captured the attention of my Lord, and he is fascinated. This I say not to boast, but to boost myself. And it was good.

Thanks God for some great friends who helped to shine some light on a funk, thanks for a great church and a great message about my identity, my "newborne identity." Thanks for your love, thanks for calling me Captivating.

The Home Stretch

Dave tells me he is hoping we can get into our house in a week. That means this is the home stretch for going to our "new" home. When the housing market says you can't sell, we just decided to make our home new. Pray for us.

Doc said I had food poisoning. When 12 hours after you eat you vomit up that same meal, good indication of food poisoning. Also fever and body aches. Good news is that means I will not be getting the rest of my family sick. Doc says it takes 5-7 days to have a new stomach lining. I guess that means my fancy steak dinner is out.

I have missed too many birthdays to count. October is apparently a busy month for my family and friends to be born. I apologize. I feel horrible for missing you. Because I miss you. I love you. Happy Birthday.

Saturday marks the one year anniversary of Dave and I getting engaged officially. It was also our first date that we set for our wedding. I am soooooo glad we moved the date up! First of all, our pastor is now in KC. Secondly, I think I would have had a dozen ulcers and broken up with Dave if we waited this long. Seriously, I don't know why people wait when they know. Being 30 does help... Anyways, it was the best decision ever to get married to Dave, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you Dave, you are the best husband ever! Okay, you are the only husband, but you have exceeded my expectations, and I just love you sooooo much!

Enough mushiness. Now I must return to life, easy does it. No more pajama days. Now I go into work and wear scrubs, which is like pajamas, only it has the hospital logo on it instead of stars and moons. Oh, and I have to wear a bra.

Nausea, fever, and body aches

... are the only symptoms I am going to mention on my blog to spare you. I have been sick.

Of course it hits me on my day off. I work hard all week for my day off, and I had to spend it aching and sick on the couch. I am still weak and dizzy and my stomach is not back to normal. So I called in sick to work... and this will count as my first call in for you who keep track.

The dogs were really great company, especially Daisy. She is just so calm, she curls up and snores on me. Rugby and Abby and Phoebe also contributed to comforting me yesterday.

I was really upset, because I missed group. I am hoping to still get the group newsletter out with the prayer requests.

By the way, I will not be eating a Ruben anytime soon.

My first attempt at musical review

Well, I truly love this album, and I truly love Tree 63. I want to review this album for you folks and encourage you to buy it. No, I don't work for them, I am not paid for this. I am just a huge fan of their music. I am writing this without reading anyone else's review, because it always skews my thoughts.

The album starts with the title song, "Sunday." Its a rockin' song with a catchy tune. You may have already heard it on radio stations like KLOVE. Its encouragement through and through. We live in this world and it sucks, Jesus has died, but he will be resurrected, and return in all his glory. This is something to remind us that he HAS been resurrected and that good will always triumph over evil.

The next song is "Becoming." It totally rocks, and makes me want to jump and celebrate. This is the type of song I want to listen to when I am in a good mood and driving down the street. This would also be a great song to play for teens. It is full of energy. I saw these guys do this song live, and you can't help but jump up and down and celebrate! My favorite line "does anybody know that someone else paid" captures the celebratory mood. This song urges us to keep going. The one thing that kinda gets me in a wrong way is the short use of electronic hand claps, which are meant to fill in for real ones, which are much more phenomenal live.

Next in line is "World Undone." I can see this being sung in church. It is just an awesome praise song with promise of healing. Also it talks about how having Christ in your life makes you want to keep going, growing and making the world a better place. Its just a song about rejoicing. Great pace, not too fast, not too slow.

The next song, "Alright" is the one I posted yesterday. It is a slower paced song, but that really makes you listen to the words. I cried the first few times I heard this song. It really ministers to my soul. Many times while growing up I just wanted someone to tell this to me "its all gonna be alright." I know it now and believe it. As humans, we tend to forget this often. God is in control. Good always wins and the sun always rises. Its all gonna be alright. The melody is almost like a lullaby. It just soothes my soul, I don't know how else to say it. I want to make a video for it, but nothing I can do will give it justice.

"Foolishness," the next track, gives me mixed feelings. While I love the lyrics, and the smartness of the song, the background singing is distracting to me. It seems outdated and foolish. I sometimes wonder if it is not intentional.

"There is a Kingdom that Cannot be Shaken" is an awfully long title. This is another song that just gives you a good feeling. It reminds us that heaven is our reward, and God's kingdom exists.

"Almighty Silence" talks about how sometimes we just have nothing to say. Its when we just want to be still and know that HE is Lord. It is also a slower, calming song, really uplifting.

"Walking Home with You" takes up the notch and makes you celebrate with more energy. This song has a catchy tune, and it talks about The Bible, and Jesus sacrifice and that God is always with you. Its a really great song, and I see this being played on the radio.

"Not as this World" gets into deep issues. You can tell there is pain in this world, and the song sings to God "release me!" It just reminds me of many of the Psalms when David cries out for God. This song has true soul. Also knowing that the band is from South Africa, and is 5000 miles from home, it makes this song so personal to the band. I know there are times when God feels so far away and all you want is to go Home. This is that song. Powerful.

The next song is going to be a hit. "New Creation" is catchy and easy to follow. They also performed this song live when I saw them at Ignite Chicago. Great, high energy song that the crowd caught really quickly. We just celebrated because we are new creations. It rocks.

The last track, "The Revolution," is a call to action. A great tune calls you to go out and change the world. Who will feed the hungry if we don't? I really enjoy this song, and its ending just plays so naturally into the beginning of the album, that I start listening to "Sunday" all over again. It just flows that good.

This album rocks, touches your soul, calls you out to be something better than you are now, something God created you to be. It reminds us that God needs us to help Him change the world, but we need Him even more.

You can hear their influences of U2, Coldplay, and the Police and other great rock bands, but John and the guys truly make this their own. This album has a lot of "ohh"s on there, which I happened to notice seems a bit different than their previous albums, but I really like do like the sound of it.

I met these guys, they are so nice and genuine. They really have a passion for God, and it comes out in their music. I love how the guys have put out podcasts on YouTube and iTunes. Make sure you check out their MySpace page, where you can listen to the full version of "Sunday" and also samples from "New Creation," "Becoming," and "World Undone."

So, take my advice, go get the album! Keep an ear out for them, they are gonna be a big hit!

this song touches my soul

I believe a change is going to come

That yesterday is over
I do yeah I do yeah

The clouds have silver linings after all
I’ve seen them with my own eyes
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

Though darkness overcomes you now
Morning will break through somehow

It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
Even this will pass – tomorrow comes at last
It’s all gonna be alright – it’s all gonna be alright
It’s all gonna be alright

The grass is greener on the other side
No matter what they tell you
It’s beautiful – so beautiful

Sow in tears and reap with songs of joy
No sorrow lasts forever
It’s true yeah – it’s true yeah

There never was a darkest night
Without the promise of the morning light

It’s all gonna be…

 Tree 63 "Alright" from the album Sunday

If I were a tree

What would happen if I were a tree that used to live in darkness, but now lives in the light? What would happen if you started to water me? What would happen if you dug around and fertilized me?

I would grow. I would grow fast and more wonderfully than before.

What would happen if I started to bear fruit? What would happen when the fruit fell ripe to the ground? Would some sprout and take root? Would some grow just as tall as me, if not more?

Would those trees bear fruit? Would I start a forest of trees? Would the trees eventually take over the world? I want them to take over the world.

Not because I was that first tree, but because He hung from a tree to bring me out of the darkness into the light. He watered me, and fertilized me so that I would grow. I am growing fruit for Him. Its all for you Jesus.

My love/hate relationship with nature

I love nature. I desire to be walking through the forest, or running through the tall grass, or laying down and looking up at the leaves.

ACHOO!!!!!!

I hate nature. The grass is itchy on my legs, there are bugs! Was that a bee? AH! Oh no, I think I am allergic to everything!

God created everything, and its beautiful. But then the Fall happened, and illness and allergies originated and life became broken. We wander in the land of Nod, east of Eden, sneezing.

Dave says sometimes that he often wonders why God made boogers. I know there is a scientific reason for mucus, but when you can't breathe, you often wonder why a loving God would do this.

This world is a broken world, and we long for the perfect world, the one God originally intended for us. It makes us long for home from deep inside when we realize this.

When I notice God in Nature, I try so hard not to think of the Fall, I try so hard to picture Home. That blinding sun is just a glimpse of what this body trying to look on His face is like. I long for Him, I long to be with Him, my Jesus.

And He is here, I know because He is alive, and He lives in me. That is the power of the Holy Spirit. Its all integrated, but in this world, its still not perfect.

Achoo! God, you are glorious.

Hiding out

We all have things about ourselves that we hide. It is good to hide things like your bank account and other personal information. It is good to hide stuff from strangers. When it is not good to hide is when we hide from God, ourselves, and our friends.

I am the type of person who likes to hide more from myself. If I deny that its a problem, I won't have to deal with it. And while it is true that God knows everything, I still hide things from him sometimes.

God wants us to feel free to share with him, for us to be open and have a relationship with him. That is why he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, so that we can have that relationship. I need to remember that God wants to see the bad parts of me too, because he wants to love them and heal them.

I cannot hide anymore. God wants me to heal some things with my dad and his new wife Jola. Now, they are back home from Poland, and I am still having to live here with them. No where to hide here. I know that God will be with me and help me to heal, grow, and love... not just with my dad and Jola, but myself as well.

This remodeling project is WAY bigger than I planned. Thanks God, you know what is best!

Congratulations!

I am so excited to announce that one of my dearest friends is with child! Of course it is not public yet, so thus the secrecy.

I am sooooo excited for you my dear!

May your pregnancy be pleasant and your child be healthy. May your marriage grow and your life change all for the better!

Oh the possibilities

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had a tree house to hang out in. Bart Simpson has one, Jack and Annie have one of the coolest tree houses ever. Why couldn't I have one?

I tried to have a secret place to climb up to. Growing up, we had a little area on the back of the garage that I could climb up and hide. Mom forbid me to do so because she couldn't keep an eye on me there. Later, I ended up studying homework and listening to my Walkman in my closet. (I kid you not.) I even loved climbing the tree in our front yard until the mean guys from the city came and cut off my starter branch. I was in desperate need of a tree house.

I wanted a safe place where I could live a fantasy life, life the way it was supposed to be, where there was no fighting or yelling. Just a place where all of my friends were and we figured it out on our own. I of course didn't have that many friends either.

Tomorrow, The Treehouse starts at Celebrate the Journey. Its a small group for kids in 1st to 6th grade. Its a safe place where they can live life the way it is supposed to be, surrounded by lots of friends. Okay, there is no actual house in a tree, but I wish I had this as a kid. I pray with all my might that kids come out and experience something that I never had.