The Monkey and the Fish

So, why would you call a book "The Monkey and the Fish"? I had no idea. But I was really inspired by Dave Gibbons at the Leadership Summit, and so I wanted to read his book.

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at the Story conference as well, and he talked about Isaiah 6, and then we met when he autographed the book I just bought.

Many of you know what I have been dealing with in losing a dear friend. So when I picked up and read this parable from the preface, my heart sank.

A typhoon stranded a monkey on an island. In a protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed to the monkey the fish was struggling and needed assistance. Being of kind heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree leaned precariously over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down, and snatched the fish from the waters. Scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments, the fish showed excitement but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

- An Eastern Parable

My heart heart still sinks reading this.

I put myself at great risk only to bring the fish back to die. I am overwhelmed with guilt in this. I am overwhelmed with pain. But I will not use this fish in vain. No, this fish will be a fertilizer for me to grow, and for me to learn.

Mr. Gibbons, it was a pleasure meeting you, and I cannot wait to consume your book. God surely has his hand on me- and most undeniably will not let me go.

Isaiah 6:13 But as a terebinth or oak tree leaves a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed

Job 14:7 For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease.

God is obviously on the move in my life. If he wasn't, I wouldn't feel so opposed, so challenged, so much like I am in a fight. And guess what, God is coming through and answering prayers. Dave is stepping up to lead, and I am so proud of him. We are attending a marriage workshop this weekend. It will be good. We started to do a devotional together every night. Being intentional.

I am going to start stepping up. Actually meeting with people, not isolating. I truly want to follow Jesus and what he wants is for me to take care of me. If I feed myself, then I will be able to feed others.

But I am needing to re-think a lot of things. And so I take this seed-stump of myself and press on, listening to the Story that God is telling me. It might inspire me, I might learn a lesson. I might grow.

Ready for what is next. Whatever that may be. Seeking beauty in brokenness, purpose in pain. I know I will never again go out on a tree branch to pull a fish out of water.

It is not I who saves, but Christ who saves. And oh, how he loves me! I can't even begin to explain. He forgives this silly monkey. He loves this silly monkey.

Today's reading with my considerations in []: Galatians 2: 18-21 "For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. For through [works (or doing stuff)] the law I died to [works] the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through [works] the law, then Christ died for no purpose."

It is not what I do that saves me. It is not fulfilling the law, it is not being a good Christian, it has nothing to do with that. It is only by faith in Christ. And if I insist on doing, saving, the law, works, rebuilding what I tore down, then I am a transgressor; ie an enemy, fighting against Christ. Opposing his saving grace. I need Jesus now more than ever. I need to look towards him, and away from me. I need to quit climbing on tree branches [doing] and start being.

I can get so caught up in doing, so wrapped up in serving that I lose sight of WHO I am serving. WHY I am serving. I so often forget that Jesus's grace is enough. I often forget to just cover myself in His perfect love and be.

So, thank you Dave Gibbons. I hope to continue to blog, or at least journal as I read the book. I am sure interested what nuggets of wisdom I will acquire in this reading.

My Story Story

I had a tremendous opportunity to attend a pretty awesome Christian conference called Story on October 28th. For FREE!!! I got hooked up to serve at the conference at registration. After registration, we were free to attend the conference. I was psyched, I knew that this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit Storychicago.com.

This took place at the Paramount Theater in Aurora Illinois. I have only heard of its beauty, but when I arrived I saw its splendor.

I got to meet people who I had only known via the internet, and having followed Ben Arment's blog, and Scott Hodge, and being a part on Twitter and Facebook only made it more awesome. Ben quit his position at a church, being called by God to fill a hole and when I saw him I was so excited to see God's dream for him come true. Inspiration for people who communicate the Gospel. I saw the Gospel as something bigger than I had seen it before. I saw the Bible as something bigger, and I saw much more opportunity for me, a layperson, to reach the unreached.

I got to meet Dave Gibbons, who had totally inspired me at the Leadership Summit. I didn't have much to say, other than he inspired me and I was looking forward to reading his book (which I bought and he autographed) and he said that God's hand was on me. It was amazing. I just started his book and haven't gotten through the prologue yet because I had to stop to cry... there is a whole different post in that.

I also got to meet Chris Seay (pronounced as if there was no 'y') and he autographed a copy of the Voice that I bought for Cassie. (The Voice is a new interpretation of the New Testament.) I had a hard time because I know his brother's work a lot more (The Robbie Seay Band) but I know what Chris is doing is phenomenal and I could only hope to reach as many people for Christ as Chris does in his work.

I have been inspired by a generation of Pastors and other communicators of the gospel who have revolutionized the way we think about Church.

And of course I was most affected by the one I was looking forward to the most: Don Miller. Donald Miller's writing has been so inspirational to me, and totally made me think of God in a new light. His book on growing up without a father has helped me to heal some wounds and understand men better, which is more than I can say with a lot of books. His "talk" was about stories and characters, and just totally inspired me to continue writing.

This year has been phenomenal with meeting people I admire, or atleast seeing them live. Jen Hatmaker I got to eat lunch with and sit in a backyard (barefoot and bluejeaned, tshirted) while she and her husband talked about what I only dreamed me and my husband might be doing one day. Changing the world one day at a time for Christ.

I am meeting people who aren't just telling a Story, but living it. Living the gospel.

I am inspired, just when my broken heart needed inspiration.

some random notes for your entertainment/wisdom:
John Ortberg:
#1 sin is selfishness... I so agree with that and am a huge sinner
Shalom means peace, but as in the peace of the way things God wants them to be
Don't get discouraged, its God's job and we get to be a part of His Story.
Ed Young:
The rescue story is enough. (I want to forget the loco rhymes about hope being a rope)
Dave Gibbons:
Platform of PAIN (oh I can so relate to that!)
Isaiah 6: stump will be a seed-in our weakness there is liberation (see the drawing at bottom of my blog)
we need to be honest with pain while communicating hope.
Listen to their story.
Revelation of brokenness will release the power of the Holy Spirit.
Confess sin! Love is a choice.
Chris Seay:
The Bible is not a sword to pick up and hit people with, it is a tool to do surgery on broken hearts.
Jesus told stories and invites us to inquire.
Stacy Spencer:
Steps to story telling: 1. why should I listen 2. Introduce text to dilemma (Bible is still relevant today)3. Put them in the story. 4. twist = grace 5. Redemption We need hope. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Nancy Beach:
Once upon a time are awfully powerful words. The hope of the resurrection story heals our dark and broken places.
Mike Foster:
don't isolate
power in sharing junk. trust each other by lettin them see your limp.
Brokenness in God's hands = beauty. a chapter in our lives is not the end of our lives
Donald Miller:
What is meaningful in a story is so because its meaningful in life.
God doesn't tell us what the story is about, he just tells the next story. For us to get to know who God is and that is all. What if it's all just about a relationship with God? for us to hear stories and live stories. A good character has to sacrifice of themselves for the benefit of others. Success doesn't necessarily tell a good story, character does. We have to want something. Conflict is beautiful, we need it. A story cannot be meaningful unless it involves conflict. A character becomes a better person through pain. conflict is here to stay. conflict makes the story. Jesus was not the climax. Conversion is not the climax. Its a long journey involving pain, so we enjoy the joy.

He-Man and the Holy Spirit

2 Corinthians 1:3-11 (English Standard Version)

God of All Comfort

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. ⁶ If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. ⁷Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

⁸For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. ⁹Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. ¹⁰ He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. ¹¹ You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

I have really been pondering a few words over the last couple years. They are synonym pairs. Meaning they sound alike but have different meanings. Wholly and Holy is one pair. Rain and Reign is another. In my journal I wrote out (after reading the above passage) that God uses rain in your life so that he can reign your life. You must become wholly God's before you can become holy. It has to rain before you give yourself wholly, and He must reign before you become holy.

Did I just confuse you? How does that make you feel? Do you agree or disagree?

Lately the sin of pride has taken over my life. If you ask anyone that knows me they will likely say I am not a prideful person. See, but I have stopped reaching out and asking for help. I still find it hard. I even thought I needed to handle some stuff on my own that no human can handle. I needed to surrender to the cross, but my pride wouldn't let me. I so wanted to fix it on my own. Or, I wanted my husband to fix it. Or I wanted someone else to fix it. Not God. He was too busy, and we need to do our work.

Oye, Shelley don't you remember that it is by grace we have been saved through faith, not by works so that none may boast?

I need to let that grace rain down into my life. I need to let that grace reign my life. (Todd Agnew in my head) I need to let Jesus reign my life. I surrender ALL. I desire to be wholly yours God. (David Crowder now runs in that space... I am holy, holy, wholly yours)

Why do I keep trying to grab the reigns back from God. Why can't I just let go and let Jesus take the wheel? (Carrie Underwood running in my head now) What is stopping me? Pride. (silence.)

Seriously God, I need you right now more than ever. Now and again I seem to forget that I am only dust. Now and again I seem to think I have the power, when in reality I am powerless. In reality, I am a dweeb like prince Eric and it is only by the power of your Holy Spirit that I can become He-Man (not the power of Greyskull.) You are the only one who can give me this strength. (don't tell me you are putting a sword above your head saying "by the power of Jesus!" in your head right now, because I am and that is just too funny.) I am trying to be serious. I am serious. I need you.

I need you Jesus
to come to my rescue
where else can I go?
There's no other name by
which I am saved
capture me with grace
and I will follow you...

this world has nothing for me...

US magazine, Baseball Cards and Pokemon

Everyone has their obsession.

Do you need to check the score of the game? Do you need to watch the game? Do you follow a team? Do you follow certain players? Do you collect their cards, books, or movies?

How about celebrities? Do you need that new issue of People, InTouch or US Weekly? I know some people really do care about Michael Jackson's kids, or Brangelina Pitt, but I could care less. They are normal people like you and me, and if you quit following them around with a camera, they might have a chance at not screwing up their lives so much.

Kids collect everything having to do with their favorite character. Spiderman underpants, t-shirts, video games, movies, books, towels, soap, socks, sheets and .... oh yeah action figures. Or how about Pokemon? I don't know too much about it, its a Japanese cartoon based on a card game, or vice versa, where the object is "gotta catch em all!"

Well, I have been trying to get through this "pastor" obsession that I have. Then it hit me just the other day. My love for other churches and pastors is no different for how some people follow baseball teams and celebrities. I get kinda star struck when the name "Perry Noble" gets mentioned. To be honest, if given a choice between meeting Perry or Brad Pitt, I would pick Pastor P without any hesitation. I love his sermons, I love his preaching, I love his honesty, I love his blog. He would be an awesome guy to sit down and chat with.

"Dave Ferguson" is another name that I love. He is my local celebrity pastor whom I love, pray for him and his family, read his blog and root for. He also happens to be one of the guys that started the church I attend. Here's the kicker: he knows who I am, he knows my name, by sight. That overwhelms me sometimes, but then I get hit in the forehead by my own hand.

Jesus is the most Famous One of them all. He knows your name, he knows the very number of hairs on your head, in fact, he knit you together in your mother's womb. The creator of the universe, He knows you and loves you and wants a relationship with you. If you wanna start dropping names, start and end with that one.

Okay, so I still wonder if my fondness for pastors isn't weird, but at least every once and a while I can be thankful that Jesus loves us no matter how screwed up we are. If I am gonna have my home team be the Jesus team, the Jesus mission, then so be it. Winner every time, guaranteed.

Commitment

The word "commitment" seems to have a negative connotation. For example "lack of commitment" and "fear of commitment" with lack and fear both being negative. Then you can be committed to an institution where they say these men come in white coats to take you away, when in reality its a woman or a man dressed in business casual walking you through the halls of a hospital with a big ring of keys. That is the type of commitment that most people try to avoid, especially me.

Then there is the commitment to the war on drugs, or the commitment to be more green, or the commitment to quit smoking. There is being committed to a brand, in which you never vary your purchase.

What does it mean to make a commitment to God?

See, I think many of us make promises to God, and we all know that promises are meant to be broken. But to make a commitment? That involves a lot of money and a legal team to break that off. Does it mean we pinky swear? Does it mean we spit into our hands and shake?

When I hear the word "commitment" I automatically think "what is it that I have to do or not do that I am not doing or doing?"

Sounds like I am being selfish.

God created us so that he can love us. He is committed to us no matter what, in fact he is so committed, that he came to Earth to bear our sins on the cross so that he could maintain and deepen that commitment.

So why is it that I get scared about setting aside time? Why is it that I am afraid to commit to 30 minutes a day of less sleep, or less Facebook, or even to pick out that time and put it into writing?

By the time I said yes to my husband, I was fully invested. Little did I know just exactly how far that commitment would go as I sat on numerous plane rides and dove myself into personal debt for something we felt God had committed us to. Little did I know how rewarding that would all be.

Yes, I know that it means being less selfish and sacrificing time, which I truly do have. "Commit to what?" you may be asking. Well, now I feel silly writing this. See, God is asking me to commit a half an hour of my time to... reading His Word... daily. I know, not so scary after I evaluate it.

What is so scary for me?

I know that means that I need to change, because God most certainly always changes me when I spend time in his Word. Especially when I regularly do it. Especially when I get my butt up early and do it. Especially when I commit to it.

God has had to do a lot of stuff to get my attention. This time its just a simple woman's group study asking me to make a commitment to reading the Bible every day. (See A Modern Girls Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker chapter 4.) He didn't make my mom deathly ill and let her die, set my house on fire, or put me on bedrest. Nope, He has already done those things. I am serious. I ran so far away from God that he had to sicken my mother and let her die before I turned fully to Him. Then ... well don't make me tell my life story here. God has been trying to get my attention for a long time.

Okay, this is it. I have emotional unrest. I have emptiness and disorder in my life. I am not saying these things will go away, but I am saying that if I make this commitment, I might at least be standing on solid rock instead of shifting sand.

This is my public commitment. On days when I don't have something to do (like an early morning thing) I am getting my butt up at 10 am to drink coffee and talk to God. On days that I do, I will get my butt up a half hour earlier and do that. (That means if I need to be somewhere by 9am, I have to leave at 8:30 so I get up normally 7:30 I will have to get up at 7 now... get it?)

Okay, so that is off my chest. I start there. We will get to the exercise and eating healthy commitment later, this is one thing at a time. God comes first, and I am on the road back.

What are you gonna commit to?

Its alright

I don't know where I would be without people in my life who love me enough to tell me when I am headed for destruction.

They say to me, "Here is why you feel like you do, now do something about it."

So I have to accept that it is alright to ask for help. I have to let go of the shame that I put onto myself. There is no shame in needing help. None. Why must I feel that way.

So, here is how I need help:

• Moms and Dads: do you have suggestions for a reward and punishment system that works?

• Anyone want to clean my house for me? Serious here.
  

• I need some moms to talk to because I am really new at this and I feel what I am going through is not normal, when people keep telling me that it is. Lets have coffee!
  

• I need major help with my budget and I mean major

I am sure there are a million more ways, but these are the major ones. Now I better get in the shower because there is work to be done.

Now enjoy the wisdom of the sage Tom Petty:


Its alright if you love me
Its alright if you don't
Im not afraid of you runnin away
Honey, I get the feelin you wont

There is no sense in pretendin
Your eyes give you give away
Something inside you is feelin like I do
We've said all there is to say

Baby, breakdown, go ahead give it to me
Breakdown, honey take me through the night
Breakdown, I'm standing here, can you see?
Breakdown, its all right
Its alright
Its all right

Jackasses and Twitter

Recently on Twitter: When we fail to listen to the prophets, God has to send in the jackasses (Numbers 22) Via @BenArment

So I was sitting down trying to do my new study for my new group when I popped in on Twitter. Now, mind you this is Day 2 of Modern Girls Bible study by Jen Hatmaker, and her theme for the day is asking God to point out the wrong things you do in Bible study. I know this passage from Numbers, it is quite a famous one with my husband. Balaam's ass was his favorite passage because he got to say the word ass in a Bible group. Like long ago when he was in jr. high or high school. Most translations use the word donkey, especially the kid friendly ones, but oh no, Dave's group was using like RSV or something like that.

See, what I heard from God, what I got was how stubborn I was. Most people know that donkeys (jackasses) are famous for being stubborn. But you see the whole story in Numbers was about how stubborn Balaam was that he didn't realize that his donkey was trying to keep him from danger. Balaam was going the wrong way, and he was so determined in doing so he beat his donkey for not obeying. Finally God gave the donkey the ability to talk because it was quite obvious that Balaam (a prophet) was not listening to God at the time. God had to talk through the donkey to reach someone who normally talks to God. Pay attention here, or you will feel like the jackass.

And that is what God has been saying to me: Hey, jackass, listen up, because I have been trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Because I might have to stop you and make you listen by any means necessary. I might have to humble you so badly that you feel like a giant jackass.

Of course at this point, I kind of do. Okay God, what is it?
Well you know well yourself how I keep showing you things and yet you refuse to listen, you refuse to let go of your past, of your preconceptions of yourself. I made you. I made you to be good at this, and I will keep having you do this for the rest of your life. If you don't let me use you there will only be more strife in your life, you will only get more beaten like Balaam's ass until you figure out to just let go.

How do I let go? How do I stop?
Listen to me. I already do. Yes, but I mean listen to me and only to me. Stop listening to the voice in your head that says you are not good enough. Stop listening to the world and Twitter and Facebook when you are supposed to be listening to me. Stop caring about where you will get your food and clothes and how you will be taken care of you see me taking care of others, you know my word in your heart yet you continue to worry, and you continue to work as if it all depends on you. Don't you get it? Don't you see? Do I have to take it all away from you before you believe me? You beg me in prayer not to do so, but you keep acting as if you want me to do it.

Okay so I need to let go, and let God. I get it.
No, you need to let go of what you want to do, and DO what I want you to do. You claim you want to be my humble servant and you do so with others no problem, but when it comes to serving me for what I want to do in your life with you and your family, you don't. Don't you know that you deserve what I have for you? Don't you know that I love you with the same passion that you see me loving others with. Listen to me. Accept my love for you. Do for you as I command you do. Don't you know that you deserve the same love and so much more. I love you, I have plans for you to prosper and not to perish. You know this, you know this my dear precious child how much I love you. Please child, please. Take care of you.

And so it goes. I must plan to take care of me. Somewhere deep inside I need to practice what I preach. I need to take care of me. I need to accept his love and his correction because of his love. Oh now if I can do this, I might lose the jackass label and be able to twitter about my freedom.