It's a big world, we are hoping, For a big change, we are broken. In the fading light of a dying sun, We cry for redemption. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope- that everyone who's lost will be coming home. And everything that hurts will be whole again. And love will be the last thing standing. Can't stop, you can't stop the seasons- Don't stop, don't stop believing!
Keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change.Believe in the end, love wins. If you're waiting for the time when your sun will shine-Oh, look above cause love wins.
If it hurts you, just breathe in. When it pains you, just believe in The radiant light of the morning sun We can find our redemption. Love is strong, love is strong, love is strong. It's been there holding you all along. Everything thrown away will be new again And love will be the last thing standing.
There is hope, there is hope for my lonely soul
There is hope, there is hope to be made whole
There is life, there is life to be set free
There is life there is life surrounding me
There is hope, there is hope for my broken heart
There is hope, there is hope for a brand new start
There is life, there is life give me eyes to see
There is life, there is life you have captured me
(Robbie Seay Band)
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Not what I planned
This week has turned out to be nothing like I planned.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
It started Monday. I was supposed to get up and get Jeramy to school. Instead, I pushed Dave and told him to, then got out of bed at 9:45. I was supposed to meet a friend at 10. Instead, that happened at 11. Then I was supposed to take someone out for lunch. I had to pick Jeramy up from school instead, the nurse thinks he has chicken pox. We made it to the doctor, and they drew blood to confirm or deny it. They said it would take 2-3 days. As of Thursday close of business, that makes 4 days with no results. That means Jeramy got a whole week almost of school off. BUT we couldn't go anywhere or do anything.
I was supposed to have lunch with my one of my bestest friends today, but she had to cancel because she had another appointment. That ended up getting canceled, but we ended up connecting on the phone for almost an hour tonight. Which NEVER happens. It was good.
Jeramy and I got to spend a lot of time together this week. I think we both needed it. He is a good kid, an excellent helper, and not bad at doing homework once you can actually sit him down to it. My love for him goes deeper than words. I never knew it was possible to feel this way about anyone before. I mean, this is different, its not like anything I ever had in my life before. It is different because even though I didn't create the life, I was instrumental on bringing him into my life, and my desire is to help him grow up to be the best Jeramy he can be. I didn't plan on loving someone else's kid. I wouldn't date anyone with children until I met Dave.
Before I fell in love with Dave, I fell in love with his son. A little boy I never even knew, or likely would ever meet. I had no chance of ever meeting him, or getting to know him until Dave got his act together and was ready. And I knew it would be a hard battle, I knew that this was beyond anyone's comprehension as to why I would do this. But I did. Because you see, I didn't plan this. God did. Before I ever got close to God, I knew that he put Dave and I together to raise Jeramy. Call me crazy, but I did. And I could not explain it to my mother, and I knew she would have a heart attack if she saw how much I have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and physically for this child. So, its a good thing she is with Jesus in Heaven now. I miss her, I didn't plan for her to be gone before she had grandchildren, but she was.
Often I wonder what she would say, my mom. But to tell you the truth, I already know. I am haunted by the things she used to say all the time, in that I can't hear certain things, or do certain things without thinking of her. I find myself doing some of the things that drove me nuts as a kid. Like singing horribly, or driving to the beat. I can't help it, her spirit lives on. The fun, happy go lucky Candy spirit lives on in me, and I can take it. Its okay. I can say no to the bad parts, I can stop myself from becoming the nasty, evil spirited, fighting and yelling Candy. Because I am not Candy, I am Shelley. I didn't even want children at one point because I didn't want them to experience the pain I did as a child.
I didn't plan for it to be hard on Jeramy. I mean, I guess I did. I didn't think it would be this easy. I didn't think that he would love me so much already. He has been with us for a year, and it has had to have been the hardest and most rewarding year of my life. Despite all the pain. Because that giggle, that smile, that hug all mean more to me than money or things. I would go through it all again for him.
Which is why I understand how much God loves me. How excited he gets when I come to him in praise and adoration, just to hold him. I understand how he sent Jesus to die so that I wouldn't have to because if I could I would die to keep Jeramy from all of this pain. Its not easy to answer the question "I wonder why mom didn't call today?" when I know the answer is that she is too self centered to set her emotions to the side to tell him that she loves him- and I say I don't know. Its lying that I hate. He doesn't need to know this, I mean he will learn it eventually, but why break the kids heart? Why tell him things he just cannot comprehend, or would be in total denial of? So I just don't know, or I am sure she knows she will see you soon... I don't lie. I don't like to lie. I avoid the answer because its too hard for you to understand.
Maybe that's why God doesn't answer my questions sometimes? Maybe its just because he doesn't know how. It's too hard for me to understand so he just kinda leaves me hanging for the time being. At least with God I know that he won't give me a BS answer like he had to take so- and so to the hospital.
God, what ever it is you are doing inside of me, I don't understand it. I don't understand why you take things away from me, or put things in my path. I do know that you love me, and you are doing what is best. I just wish sometimes you would shoot me an e-mail letting me know what to do next. All I have is this "Be Still and Know that I AM God" so please, be with me, because its hard to be still. I am trying Lord. I am trying.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I have been crucified with Christ (Gal 2:20)
To read today's My Utmost
Think for a moment if this were true. If we actually crucified ourselves with Christ. Not just followed him, but crucified ourselves. Chambers says "When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ."
What does this mean?
How many of you are reading this from your home right now? You have flooring, walls, roof, running water, doors that lock, electricity, a computer, internet... Now, trade yourself with a resident of Port-au-Prince Haiti. You lost your home, your family is either dead, wounded or missing. You live in a town of sticks and sheets, never knowing when you will be safe. Will you be beaten, raped, robbed? What do you eat? Do you have to go use the poor excuse for a latrine? Is there toilet paper? Is it quilted?
I get so used to my middle class life sometimes I forget. I take simple things that I consider necessities for granted. I buy shoes and purses and go out to eat. I drive a car. I have a home (for now) and all I can say is THANK YOU GOD.
When I remodeled my home, and then it set on fire, my life changed. While staying in a hotel (that was paid for by insurance) Dave got to speak to his son for the very first time. Now Dave is in the next room tucking him into bed. I hear giggles and laughter. My heart overflows.
I know that we could be living in a shanty town and be happy and giggle. But not so much. I mean I would like to believe that to be true. But it is not. Part of the reason we are happy and giggling is because we have each other, yes. But we are full, and we are warm, and we are clean. I thank God for that.
I feel guilty and selfish for wanting this middle class life so much. I just want to be clean and warm and fed and educated and ... I want want want. Need need need.
God wants me. He doesn't need me. I need God. Sometimes I don't always want Him. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. It breaks my heart, knowing what happens in Haiti, in Burma, everywhere around the world, even in America.
This isn't about things. Its about relationship. God isn't a thing we own, children aren't a thing we own. Marriage isn't a thing we own. These are all relationships.
Why do we let things get in the way of relationships? Why do we try to build relationships with things?
Right now life is so uncertain in that I have no idea how I am going to pay for my things. But the possibilities are endless, and I have more relationships than I have ever had before. And I am not alone.
Help me God, to remember what is important. Help me to crucify my selfish wants, and take care of my needs and the needs of my family. Help me to grow my relationships, closer to you, closer to each other.
Think for a moment if this were true. If we actually crucified ourselves with Christ. Not just followed him, but crucified ourselves. Chambers says "When I come to such a moral decision and act upon it, then all that Christ wrought for me on the Cross is wrought in me. The free committal of myself to God gives the Holy Spirit the chance to impart to me the holiness of Jesus Christ."
What does this mean?
How many of you are reading this from your home right now? You have flooring, walls, roof, running water, doors that lock, electricity, a computer, internet... Now, trade yourself with a resident of Port-au-Prince Haiti. You lost your home, your family is either dead, wounded or missing. You live in a town of sticks and sheets, never knowing when you will be safe. Will you be beaten, raped, robbed? What do you eat? Do you have to go use the poor excuse for a latrine? Is there toilet paper? Is it quilted?
I get so used to my middle class life sometimes I forget. I take simple things that I consider necessities for granted. I buy shoes and purses and go out to eat. I drive a car. I have a home (for now) and all I can say is THANK YOU GOD.
When I remodeled my home, and then it set on fire, my life changed. While staying in a hotel (that was paid for by insurance) Dave got to speak to his son for the very first time. Now Dave is in the next room tucking him into bed. I hear giggles and laughter. My heart overflows.
I know that we could be living in a shanty town and be happy and giggle. But not so much. I mean I would like to believe that to be true. But it is not. Part of the reason we are happy and giggling is because we have each other, yes. But we are full, and we are warm, and we are clean. I thank God for that.
I feel guilty and selfish for wanting this middle class life so much. I just want to be clean and warm and fed and educated and ... I want want want. Need need need.
God wants me. He doesn't need me. I need God. Sometimes I don't always want Him. Sometimes I just want to be selfish. It breaks my heart, knowing what happens in Haiti, in Burma, everywhere around the world, even in America.
This isn't about things. Its about relationship. God isn't a thing we own, children aren't a thing we own. Marriage isn't a thing we own. These are all relationships.
Why do we let things get in the way of relationships? Why do we try to build relationships with things?
Right now life is so uncertain in that I have no idea how I am going to pay for my things. But the possibilities are endless, and I have more relationships than I have ever had before. And I am not alone.
Help me God, to remember what is important. Help me to crucify my selfish wants, and take care of my needs and the needs of my family. Help me to grow my relationships, closer to you, closer to each other.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The life of faith is not a life of mounting up with wings, but a life of walking and not fainting.
Sorry for such a long title, but it only seems appropriate. Of course I stole it from Oswald Chambers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making everything perfect, I forget the basics.
Today was a day when I scrambled at 3 because I had not eaten, taken my medicine, showered or gotten dressed to pick up Jeramy from school. I was going to take it easy, do some shopping etc. My body had others plans, I overslept. Then I got some suggestions from a friend and began to edit my resume. It was a grueling process that took me a whole week, but my resume is done. Until I get more pointers. But, I had it at a point where I felt confident to use it to apply for a few positions.
So I was cranky picking up Jeramy, who didn't want to go because he was busy having fun playing. I told him 15 minutes more, but we had to be somewhere.
I wanna skip through the next two hours of getting frustrated. Lets just fast forward to the fabulous dinner we had at Shawn and Gigi's place. I made burgers and grilled them while Gigi and Jeramy made cookies. We had a great dinner, then I went on to help Gigi with her taxes. We aren't done, but I am confident that we will be before April 15th. The new online programs are so easy to use! I used H&R Block for myself, but we are going with Turbo Tax for her. I can't believe it took us this long to get down there. I love Shawn and Gigi, fabulous folks. Their dog Jackie is a sweetie too!
Dave had to go to work, so we had to bolt around 8. Jeramy and I hit the store. Some time between then and now, we both had changed our attitudes, and shopping was very pleasant. We devoured some strawberries, then I suggested we have hot cocoa and play cards instead of go to bed right away. He liked that idea. He likes to play war. We ended up each having won one game. Then he read to me from Garfield. I was amazed at how he was tackling some huge words really well. I loved Garfield tremendously when I was in grade school. I learned a lot about life from him. I read to him from Hotel for Dogs. We were both exhausted and I don't think he stayed awake 5 minutes after I left the room.
I checked my email and there was a job opening that came up today, so I applied.
I am not mounting up with wings, but I didn't faint today (even though I wanted to) thanks to the grace of God, and time spent with great friends. Funny how you can start a day horrible and end it really well. I like that. Thanks God
Monday, March 15, 2010
The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind
Why oh why does Oswald Chambers have to be so prophetic?
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
I wondered what whirlwind I was in for when I read this on Thursday March 11th. Scroll down and read my previous post, or just click here.
I left for work, got there early and ready to roll. They didn't have the same idea. Long story short, I have been separated from my position that I held over 8 1/2 years, and the company I worked for over 10 1/2. My heart was broken. I was in a whirlwind. I am in a whirlwind.
Oh the test to see what happens, when and how I land and if I produce fruit... my soul aches.
I vacillate between highs and lows, pride and self doubt, optimism and the depths of despair.
I was accused of letting my emotions interfere with patient care. If you know me, and I don't feel that I need to defend myself on this, I care about my patients. Sometimes I care too much. One lady I spend over a half an hour in her room crying and praying with her because she thought that her life was over. I bought her a card and a stuffed animal. I payed attention to when she was in for her follow-up surgery and came to visit her. Another one kissed me because I put her at peace before her surgery, so I made her a card and gave it to her while she was recovering. Just Wednesday I cried and hugged my patient and her daughter because she was just diagnosed with the same disease that slowly suffocated my mother. I care about my patients more than I care about the hospital I worked for, I care about them more than my wage. This hit the core of who I was. Call me the world's crappiest employee, but don't you dare say that my patient care sucks. Patients are the reason I do what I do. Or shall I say did what I did...
So here I am in the middle of this whirlwind, reminding myself that I have NO idea where it is I will land, scared to death. I don't believe I will end up in Abu Dabi, or Southern Oregon, but I do know that where ever it is that I land, it will be good. And not that I have ever been in need (Phil 4:12), because God always provides.
A sword has pierced my very soul. Do I give up on this career? Do I look for that dream job that doesn't exist? Do I bag groceries? What will I do? All I know is to whom I shall go, for only HE has the words that give eternal life.
Jesus was rejected by the very thing, the very people that were looking for him. He knows rejection. He knows what it feels like when his friends deny him. He knows how it is when people tell lies about you behind your back. He never ever promised that following him would be easy, however he did say "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33) I am going to re-paste my locker contents onto my desk.
God is still with me. I must believe that. I mean, look how far I have come from trusting in HIM! I know he doesn't take something out of our hands if he doesn't mean to replace it with something better. Right now that is my focus. God, family, friends. I am going to get on a "normal" schedule over the next week. I might even want to wake up ~gasp~ before 7am.
Lord, be with me. Help me to always turn to you even when I am filled with fear. Lord take that fear away and lead me to where ever it is you want me to be, doing what ever it is you want... all for your glory Jesus. Amen.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Vision
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I have been reading it every day. Today was so confusing, and deep, and full of older words. I have a feeling that Os and I are kindred spirits of sorts. We both live in the world of metaphors and deep thoughts. Sometimes it makes me wonder.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
If we lose the vision, we alone are responsible, and the way we lose the vision is by spiritual leakage. If we do not run our belief about God into practical issues, it is all up with the vision God has given. The only way to be obedient to the heavenly vision is to give our utmost for God's highest, and this can only be done by continually and resolutely recalling the vision. The test is the sixty seconds of every minute, and the sixty minutes of every hour, not our times of prayer and devotional meetings.That means we need to live our lives for God 24/7 365, not just on Sunday. That God is in the everyday, in your eating, sleeping, playing, working. I know this, but I need to "recall this vision" quite often.
"Though it tarry, wait for it." We cannot attain to a vision, we must live in the inspiration of it until it accomplishes itself. We get so practical that we forget the vision. At the beginning we saw it but did not wait for it; we rushed off into practical work, and when the vision was fulfilled, we did not see it. Waiting for the vision that tarries is the test of our loyalty to God. It is at the peril of our soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical work and miss the fulfilment of the vision.Um, oh yeah is that me. I rushed off all excited and raced so fast I went right past what I was looking to accomplish. Now I am called to wait and do the practical stuff, and it ticks me off. Why? Because I am selfish and impatient. I was doing everything, and I went to doing nothing. I need to find a balance there. There is so much more waiting for me, but I haven't been listening.
Watch God's cyclones. The only way God sows His saints is by His whirlwind. Are you going to prove an empty pod? It will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of what you have seen. Let God fling you out, and do not go until He does. If you select your own spot, you will prove an empty pod. If God sows you, you will bring forth fruit.So confused. I wonder if I am doing God's plan or my own. I don't want to fall into something that will lead to deadness. I want to accomplish the fruit, I want to work for the vision. It is not too late, but I am so lost.
It is essential to practise the walk of the feet in the light of the vision.
God I need you here. Show me some light. I think I need to spend some time in your word. Your word is a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path. Just enough light for the step I am on, and perhaps a little to let me know which way to go God.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A love letter to my little boy
Jeramy and I grow closer all of the time. Now every time I hug Dave, he wants a hug too. He has been greeting me and going out of his way to say hi and goodnight or goodbye. And I hate to say this but the kid wants to stay up past his bedtime because he wants to see me. It is frustrating, because he, much like his father and I, is a night owl. The other night we were walking the dog and he blurted out "Hey Mom" and covered his mouth. I think he wanted to see what it felt like. I don't envy him, getting used to his new life, and falling in love, but having loyalties to his old life.
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
I have freely been using the term "my son" for a while now when talking with others. Who cares that I omit the "step" part? Stupid horror movies make being a step-parent so horrible. I love this child so very much. The sound of his voice makes my heart smile. My favorite noise in the world is his laugh. He knows I would stop the world for him.
It is only in becoming a parent, that I find the depths of God's love for me. I understand how the sound of my voice makes his heart smile, and his favorite sound is my laughter. I understand that he can't wait to talk to me, and loves it when I pay attention to him.
If you were to tell me 10 years ago what I am doing now I would have laughed. Heck, even 5 years ago. Many people don't understand why I put myself on the line for a child that is not my own. Until you know, and see the look in my eyes when I talk about him. Unless you know my heart, and where my values are. Money is just a thing. Relationships are what last. I would give everything for what I have sleeping not 10 feet away on the other side of this wall.
Jeramy, perhaps one day you will find this and read it. I want you to know that God put you on my heart long ago. I knew that God put your dad and I together not just for each other, but for you. I know that God has HUGE plans for you, and that you truly make him smile. You make me smile. I swear to you now, even when you become a teenager and tell me that you hate me, there is nothing you could ever do or say to stop me from loving you. If I could, I would wave the magic wand and make all the pain go away, but I know that God is going to use that hurt for good, and you are going to be strong and wonderful and a healthy, contributing member of society. You will always be loved by me. You will always be prayed for by me. You will always be in my heart. One day you will truly appreciate this. I pray its sooner rather than later. I pray you grow close to God, and that your dad and I give you every opportunity to grow closer to him. We are trying to be good examples to you, but we are just humans. Please forgive us when we mess up. Please forgive us when we say no and you really don't like that. Please know that we want what is best for you always. I delight in watching how much you have grown. God truly blessed you with a wonderful soul. I am so proud of the choices you make, especially how you treat others. You have a servant's heart, and it blesses me to know that. You also have the ability to lead. I imagine one day you will far bypass your dad in how much you read. However you turn out, I will love you for you. Don't become what I want, but what you want. Reach for the stars, they are within your grasp! I love you- xo xo Shelley (mom)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)