Weight Watchers

This is the part where I scream arrrghhhh! I have given in and joined weight watchers and I just pray for the strength to change my life.

I am not dieting... I am changing my life...

sacrificing myself so I can live the life the God desires for me...

no more half pizzas

Lots a brewin

Seems as if time just flies by and I haven't had the time to post. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans, right?

It just seems that life was never personal before, but now it is, and I don't want to put stuff online that would affect others, so I can't say alot.

What I can say, is that I am going through a lot of change right now, and I am working on myself a ton. I have been going through step one, and meditating on it. I was scared. I was really scared. But then I realized that I was letting doubt get to me. The father of doubt is not my Father God, so I had better quit listening to it all.

My friend JJ seems to be pondering the same issues on her blog. We see what God has to offer, yet we are scared. Why are we scared? God is good.

Our past scars... they run deep.

JJ, I am praying that God gives both you and me the strength to say no to being scared and the ability to say "Yes, God!" I know we can do it through HIM!

Step One

We admitted we were powerless over our dependencies-- that our lives had become unmanageable.

This is me. I am on step one. I have admitted my powerlessness. In the Serenity Bible it says "A universal warning sign of all addictions is the frightening recognition that I have begun to 'do what I will not to do.'" (See Romans 7:18-20.) I have recognized that in how I behave with food.

I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable. I cannot control myself. I need help.

How big is this for me? Huge.

Especially because I am posting this on my blog for the world to read.

I am surely on to step 2 next.

I just devoured a great book

Many of you know or have heard of the book "Blue like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It rules, and if you have not read it, you should. I am going to read it again eventually. Well, I loved how he wrote so much that I picked up another book of his "To Own a Dragon."

Now, this book has a subtitle that is something like 'reflections on growing up without a father' (pardon me not running to grab it) and the book really called to me for two reasons. One, I sometimes call my depression a dragon, so I picked up the book to see what it was about. Two, I am working on father issues, and healing things with my dad, whom while present my entire life was completely unavailable to me. I love my dad, don't get me wrong, its just that he didn't live up to the expectations I set. (This is a blog for another day.)

In the prologue, Donald Miller apologizes to women. Maybe I am just not that sensitive, but I believe the book DID speak directly to me. Don is only 5 years older than me, so I feel very similar in place with him, we are the same generation, and I get him, he speaks to me. He writes so matter of fact and in your face and real, that I just want to hug him. He tells it like it is, and makes no apologies, but you laugh about it. I felt that he touched on issues in my soul about God as a father, work ethics, general ethics, sex, and spirituality. These are chunks of my life that were missing for years and years and years. And all rolled together in a beautiful book illustration.

Donald Miller co-authors with his mentor John (I cant remember his last name right now.) John is a photographer, and I really feel like Donald Miller paints with his words. Its beautiful how he writes. Take his owning a dragon metaphor... he says that to him, having a father is much like owning a dragon. See, dragons don't exist in real life. They are mythical creatures that you can read about, but you don't really experience. That is what a father is like to Don.

Oh and he makes you feel comfortable no matter where you are with God. That is probably the best part, you feel comfortable, like talking to a good friend.

Don, you really spoke to me, so much so that I couldn't even take notes I was devouring your book so fast. I am going back for seconds, hopefully to digest it nice and slow this time.

Okay, what next?

I have been known more recently to be willing to do anything. It never used to be that way. You see, I used to rely on people, or myself, and people always hurt me and I just plain let myself down. Now that I rely on God, I know that whatever he has planned for me is going to be good.

Let's take this recent example of me and Celebrate the Journey. The very first time I walked in there, I said I don't need the 12 steps. I snicker now, because that is exactly what God is going to be having me do. I am joining the 12 step group and going in pretty much blind. I have never done this before, and yes I am scared because it is new, but God is good, and He won't give me anything I cannot handle.

I found that when I plan things, I get let down. Once I invited 36 people to my birthday party and only 3 showed up. So, now I am trusting in God. Okay God, what is next? You want me to do what? Okay, I will go. I find so much joy and fulfillment in being obedient, I find my needs not only getting met, but being exceeded! See, I know that He is faithful, and whatever it is that God wants for me is just going to blow my mind. I only expect that whatever it is, I am going to grow, and be filled and be loved and it will just be so great I cannot even put it into words.

See, I know this because I trusted God with a few small things, and it was good. Yet the more and more I trust God with, the better it gets. It may never be what I would think or plan, but it all works out (See Romans 8:28).

I dare you. I dare you to trust God with something small and see what He does with it. Guarantee, He's gonna blow your mind!

The lottery

Today, I stopped at the gas station so my friend could buy smokes. It took forever, and he complained about how the person in front of him bought all of these lottery tickets, this scratch off, no wait that one, and then so many quick picks etc. It made me think about how many times I use the expression "if I ever win the lottery" which is ironic because I never play, and we all know that "you gotta be in it to win it!"

It is sad how people look to all sorts of different things to give them direction, and to be their source. Horrorscopes, fortune cookies, lottery tickets, their slacker girlfriend, Magic 8 ball... whatever it is, all of these things are not gonna be a place where answers can be found. Really, I mean if you take these things, they can apply to anyone, anytime, or not apply at all.

Where do you go? Well, if your car breaks, you go to a guy who knows cars, right? So if your life is broken, why not go to the guy who created life? God wants us to go to Him as our "go-to guy" and not to some cookie or piece of plastic made in China. He sent his son Jesus as an example, not just a sacrifice. I know its hokey to say WWJD? but its the best answer to your problem. How are you gonna know? I mean its not like God has a website, and even if He did, how would you know? We do know that God has a book, The Bible... read that. Pray, which is talking to God, and go be with people who know Him... yes, church.

Spending money on the lottery, just gets you broke. Its easier to be hit by lightning. But experiencing God happens every day.

I love my sister

My sister and I used to fight a lot. What else do sisters do? But see, we grew up, and we grew apart. And I was sad, because even when we fought, we were still close, and I still loved her. Then Mom got sick, and God made some wonderful things happen. Megan and I healed our relationship. We are stronger now than we ever were, and my prayer is that we always stay close at heart, no matter the miles between us.

We shared our lives, our dreams, what God is doing with us today. And we grew closer. God urged me to ask her for help, and she knew the answer. She knew what to do. We are sisters by both our parents' blood and by the blood of Christ now, and it is just amazing.

Thank you God for Meggie, and thank you for the time I could talk and pray with her. Be with us always.