miss you mom

happy birthday.... er

thanks for thinking of me megan.

i miss you mom.

Is that you?

It's great when your co-worker yells your name from behind and asks "is that you?" when they see you. I have lost so much weight, she wasn't sure it was me! Thanks K!

Time wasted?

I think Google is pissing me off.

For some reason I am having issues with formatting stuff.

When I work on Google documents, I have no way of figuring out how the page will actually look when I print it out, and its frustrating. Yes I can do a preview, but my view gives me NO IDEA where pages break! NONE!!!

I almost regret giving back the free copy of Office to my pal! Still I have no room on my PC for it anyway!

I just wasted two hours!!! Now I have to go to work!

Why I love Celebrate the Journey

Most of you know that I spend my Tuesday nights at church doing small groups. Some of you know that I do a support and recovery program. Few of you might know that I lead a twelve-step group.

First off, I serve with some awesome folks. I love the people I serve with and the people I serve. Secondly, large group rocks. We get together from 7-7:40 for large group. That means worship music (I love) and either a teaching or testimony. Also Diane often has nuggets of wisdom. Tonight Sherrie taught about being able to cry out to God and others for help when we are hurting.

It is scary to admit you are not fine. I haven't been fine. My friends could see that in me. I even had a coffee and still looked tired. Like the puppies above, they could tell I was down. "What is going on with you?" they ask me, "I can tell you are not okay." They know they better call me out, and that I really appreciate it. I do. I love that someone cares enough to check on me.

I have been really sad. The second anniversary of my mom's passing is coming up. Some days it feels like 2 million years, sometimes, times like now, it feels like 2 days. I am a totally different person than I was two years ago, and I am completely confident that my mom would be more proud of me than anyone else. And God has put wonderful women in my life that more than fill my mother's roll. It still doesn't make it hurt any less. It still doesn't make me miss her any less.

We saw the video from Indiana Jones where he has to take the leap of faith. I listen to Nicole Nordeman sing "what if you jump, just close your eyes..." and I remember the reason I am doing so well. I took that step of faith when I had nothing to cling to but the promise of God. "What if the arms that catch you, catch you by suprise?" I read the Bible every day, and more and more I am assured of God's love. I know he is there.

Yet God never promises there will not be pain and sorrow. In Isaiah 53:3, Jesus is called a man of sorrows, acquainted with the deepest grief. In John 11:35 it says Jesus wept. Jesus cried often. Once he was so worried he sweat blood (Luke 22:44). Does that make the pain any better?

No, but it makes it easier to bear.

God doesn't say he will keep us from the fire and floods. He says he will be with us in the fire and as we cross the river (Isaiah 43:2). I know God was with me when my house caught on fire. I may not have felt it, but looking back on it, oh boy you can't miss it. Daily I drive past a house that nearly burned down and they have to entirely rebuild the garage. I got through it. I came out stronger.

I know God is with me now, but I still hurt. Celebrate the Journey lets me be with other people who know that kind of hurt. It lets me share and be with people who understand there is no place to look to but to God in times like these. Having the relationship with God that I do now, and did not have two years ago, reminds me why I keep coming back every week.

Somehow when you hurt together, it doesn't hurt less, but it is easier to bear. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. How about our small group cord of 12 strands? BRICK HOUSE!

Tottie's Tuesday Weigh IN

Last weigh in weight: 241.8
Today's weight: 240.5 (lost 1.3)
Total weight lost: 37.1
Weight to lose till next mini-goal: 15.5
Down to pants size: 22 (started at a tight 26)
Thanks to my sister Megan for saving clothes for me when she lost weight!

Special thanks to Tottie for checking in on me when I didn't post yesterday! See, I forgot to mention how I was working extra, and therefore did not have "time" for weigh-in. Yes, I had time to step on a scale (I did not) but had no time to go online and blog about it, so I weighted... ha ha, until today.

Yesterday and Friday I worked 11am till 1130pm. This also means I have missed going to the gym. And I do miss it.

I have also chopped off like 10-12 inches of hair, which could account for the 1 lb I lost, but hey, I am just glad I did not gain!

Thanks to "JN" for the hug of congrats, it meant a lot to me.

the catchup blog, no catsup or ketchup involved

My girl Pearl has moved in for a while. I have a hard time with my room just sitting there empty and waiting for it to be filled. Spiderman sheets don't make it super girl friendly, but I am sure she doesn't mind, and the bed is comfy.

Abby is getting used to another person in the house. I think she thinks that Pearl will be like Paul and take her out all of the time. Paul did spoil Abby. In fact just the other day, he came over with McDonald's and she ignored him in lieu of french fries. While he was a bit upset, fries did still go flying in the air for her. Can't believe Abby is 11 years old, she still acts like she is 5. If you don't know, Abby is our Jack Russell Terrier.

Pearl is this really awesome girl from my church. Once I got to talk to her, I found out all of this really cool stuff about her. I just really think she is a neat person, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her. God has big plans for Paul too!

My good girlfriend out in Virginia had her baby a little over 3 weeks ago. Happily everyone is healthy and the kid is growing fast! I cannot believe how cute he is, just like mom! My girlfriend and I are exactly 6 months apart, and when I found out I was pregnant, she said our babies would be six months apart.... but I guess it was not meant to be.

Some people have asked me if I am still gonna try for another baby. Let's just say I am not rushing out for fertility tests and I am not stopping anything from happening. I am confident that God's timing is best. Besides, I have enough on my plate with the possibility of Dave's son soon enough.

Some people are just beggining to notice that I have lost weight. It only took them 5 months and 35 pounds! Or, they are just beggining to believe it is staying off. Maybe it is because as soon as I could fit into the smaller size scrubs, I did, so my clothes were tighter, but now they are fitting better, so maybe its that. I found some photos of me from the Dells in '04. I don't remember what I weighed there, but I was huge. Knowing that this January I was at my heaviest ever, I wonder how long it will be until I like the way I look in photographs. I can't believe I went to my High School reunion like that! Do I look like that now? Have scales just come off of my eyes for the first time in a long time?

I have a couple women that are just totally stepping up. One is mentoring me, and the other is doing a discipleship partnership with me. It is really awesome getting poured into and encouraged. I never thought I would be where I am today, and where they say I can be going. And I have the opportunity to pass along my legacy because of our structure at CCC, which rocks. I told Di the other day that CCC has given me the opportunity to be all I ever wanted my entire life, and then some. God rocks.

My cousin Ashley is touring Europe. No, not the bad 80s hair band. I am jealous!

And for kicks, I bought my co-worker a Pay-Day bar on payday!

I love this weather!

God, I really love this weather. Help me to enjoy it and make the best of it, despite my work schedule!

Summer is off to a hectic start, working my buns off!

Monday Weigh IN!

Last weigh in weight: 245.6
Today's weight: 241.8 (loss = 3.8)
Total weight loss: 35.8
Weight to lose till next mini-goal: 16.8

If I lose 1.9 lbs then I have to drop a point in my WW calculations, less food! But its a good thing!

Did really well eating except for yesterday. A trip to the ER with Dave meant no breakfast, so we hit Brown's chicken on the way home... YUMMY! Corn Fritters with powdered sugar? Oh yeah, fried dough-licious. And their chicken beats KFC a million to one! Then my stomach hurt last night, gee I wonder why, so I had egg noodles and Maalox for dinner. (Not at the same time...)

Oh Dave??? You can pray for him. His digestive system is giving him a really hard time (will spare you details), and we have an appointment with the GI doc on Tuesday. Luckily he isn't dying or anything so the ER docs let us go home pending our Tuesday appointment.

Well, off to the gym, gotta keep up this losing streak!

Father's Day

I pray this is the last one you will ever spend without your son. She didn't even call for him today and it broke my heart.

Not yet time, but I know its coming

Met with a good friend/mentor today. She is an amazing woman that I love dearly because how she loves God and others and pours herself into me.

We talked about many things, but one thing in particular was if I had given any thought into doing something in particular in the future. I had.

It is one of those things that would be a position where I would be in charge of lots and its a big responsibility. I don't want to say that I can do it, because right now I can't.

But God has put it on my heart, and I know that He is pushing me towards that. And I admitted it. Its not like I want to run around saying its going to happen, because we don't know when. Right now I could not handle it, I am not equipped, not ready. But one day I will be.

I have never felt so needed before or so empowered before in my entire life, and it is God behind this pull. This is my purpose, or one of them, and knowing I am not the only one who thinks that makes me feel more sane.

Kinda like being a mom, I never thought I could before, but now I know I can, I am ready. I won't be perfect, but I have support in place.

God, help me to live up to the goals you have placed in my heart. I love what you have done in my life so far, and it is just going to get better.

Monday Weigh-IN

Think of a lapse as if you broke a plate of your best china; Would you go and break all the rest of your dishes or do you just mourn the loss of your broken plate and move on? from weightwatchers.com

Okay, so I had a tough week!

Last weigh in weight: 244.5
Today's weight: 245.6 (gain 1.1 lbs)
Total weight loss: 32
Weight to lose till next mini-goal: 20.6

I have to "thank" my "Aunt Flo" for her contributions to my cravings, and McDonald's for their ice cream cones only being 1 buck.

But, I have to move on, and I am beginning to track points again today, asking my husband to hold me accountable at the end of the day that I did it.

The worst part is when someone congratulated me in front of others for the good choices I was making when I knew I made some bad, bad choices this week. Example: Wendy's Double with Cheese. I never, and I mean never order double cheeseburgers from Wendy's! I know that alone was the one pound I gained.

Good news, I didn't slip far and today is a new day. I need to take this one day at a time.

Cheesy Lyrics

A little bit is better than nada
sometimes you want the whole enchilada
a little bit is better than nada
a little bit or nothing at all...

I thought this was Jimmy Buffett, but nope, its The Texas Tornados.

Seems like just a snippet of cheesy lyrics was appropriate today in my conversation with my friend. I was trying to explain how while God wants all of you, He knows how its hard to start out that way.

He knows how frail we are, he remembers we are only dust. God knows when we have been broken down and damaged. He knows that it might take you a while to trust Him. But He would rather a little bit of you than have none of you.

You know why? Because God wants to show you that if you trust Him with a little bit, he will blow your mind. Then, you can start trusting Him with more. He is worthy of your trust, and He knows if you need time to work on it, its okay.

Just don't get me started on Margaritaville.

Conviction... my sojourn through the prophets

I start out every day reading my Bible. Right now I am actually reading the Message: Remix and have just completed my sojourn through the prophets.

Usually I cannot stand the prophets, because they are full of gloom and doom and weird images of 4 faced creatures with 6 wings and some sort of weird gyroscope thing. This time was different. Yes, there are some awesome stories, like Jonah and the whale, then the three dudes who survive the furnace; Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego (all from memory thank you very much!)

This time God was talking to me personally in my heart. I heard not about some lame Jewish system thousands of years ago, but I heard about our Church, the state of this Union, this Country, County and Town. I heard about you and me. I heard about the savior King who was and is and is yet to come.

God is not happy. God is crying.

The rich keep getting richer and the poor get poorer and very few are calling His children to come home and living the life that God wants us to live. Malachi, the last one in the Old Testament, talks about tithing. People are giving God their leftovers, or the ragged ole ten they happen to have in their pocket. People are not raising the best sheep and goats and giving them unto the Lord, they are giving their lame and blind to God.

While I struggle to stay comfortable in my house with the air-conditioner out, there are people who live in cardboard shacks and eat bugs for protein. There are people in this very city who sleep on the street.

I made a difference for one, and it made a difference for me immensely. But I also get soooo caught up in my own stuff.

My prayer is to never be too comfortable. This sounds goofy to you, but I do not ever want to accept that some people are homeless, and some people have homes full of empty rooms.

Now I am going to read again the New Testament, and see and be challenged by the life of Jesus. That is the life I want to have, compassion, wisdom, selflessness, closeness to God, great friends, hope in hopeless times.

I am going to keep working on becoming... and I am not turning back. In the meantime... I am keeping my eyes and my heart on the one who was, who is, and has yet to come.

I give advice...

This was composed as a response to someones blog post where they asked for suggestions as to making their life better. There was specific things he wanted to change, but felt no motivation. I wrote this response which is how I have gotten through my life changes.

Do you have a chance to spend an entire day alone with God? If so, I highly suggest doing so. You may wish to prepare for the day by fasting.

Make sure you are putting God first every day. A lot of times we get so busy we put God on the backburner, and it may just be that you are not longing for more life but more God. Tithe first, pray first, read the Bible first… etc. If God is not first, everything else will be off.

Pray without ceasing. Listen without ceasing. Ask God to show you how and help you get motivated. He has spoken a lot into my heart that I was not willing to hear before. If you are ready to change, God will show you how, if you are not ready, ask HIM and He will help you to be ready. If you don’t open your heart yourself, He is gonna have to break you, and you don’t want that… you might need it though. Sometimes His will for us is exactly opposite of our selfish selves.

Make sure your friends and family are all praying for you. Ask others to fast with you and pray with you.

Mostly, be ready for God to blow your mind, because if you are willing, he will. Believe me, I know.

I can’t believe I have lost over 30 lbs! Lots more to go, but with God’s help, nothing is impossible!

Monday Weigh -IN

New Feature as promised. My friends and my family are going to help hold me accountable, as are my blog friends. This is the anticipated weigh-in post.

Start weight: 1/21/08 at WW 277.6
Last ww weight: 5/12/08 251.6
total loss at WW: 26 lbs
I started by tightly fitting in a size 26.

weight today right now on home scale: 244.5
weight loss since ww: 7.1 lbs
total weight loss: 33.1 lbs
now fit in size 24, and getting loose.

Next mini goal weight: 225 lbs.
Weight to lose: 19 lbs.
Goal size 22, and the clothes my sister saved for me.

Next week I will just list current weight and total weight lost with countdown to next goal.

Unfortunately, my trip to the gym got de-railed today due to a chaotic search for an important document (which I had safely tucked in a completely ridiculous place to avoid such search, of course.)

I also aim not to step on the scale until next Monday, which will be hard. Anyways, if you plan on helping me out, THANK YOU. You can help out just by prayer and comments.