I'm working on my bark

Yesterday my co-worker came in and told me I am looking great. What am I doing? Am I still on Weight Watchers, am I working out?

Nope, I haven't done a thing for like a month now. NOTHING! Please, all of you stop complimenting me when I feel super guilty about this. I do not deserve your praise.
My cousin Tammy has been helping me, by keeping me accountable, and loving and encouraging me no matter what. I wouldn't be this far without you girl! My sister was my initial inspiration, I don't even know how much weight she has lost, but man, oh man she is lookin' GOOD!

I can blame it on the season, the lack of sun, the increase in traveling and stress. But really, it comes down to me. I haven't been strong. I have given in to temptation. I have eaten past the point of being full just because something tastes good. I have kept eating chocolates even when I didn't need more because I wanted more. One would have been enough, okay maybe two. I have downed nearly half a pizza, I have eaten more than one dessert a week. I have fantasized about Coldstone. I have not been to the gym, despite setting realistic goals and thinking about it several times. I am a sinner in the worst way.

Why do I say this? Why am I a sinner? Because, I am being selfish. I am choosing what I want over what God wants. God wants what is good for me, I want what tastes good. Remind you of a certain fruit from a certain tree in a certain garden? Thanks a lot EVE!

I feel like crap, so I eat to comfort myself, but it just makes me feel crappier, so I eat more. Now I have yet to step on the scale, but I know I have gained weight. My pants are too tight. I am considering going back to my old jeans that I have yet to donate.

Please don't console me with how stressful my situation is and its okay. Because its not. See, my life has been a series of stress. Stress will always come, and if I don't stop the cycle, I will end up crying to Richard Simmons for help. I see the people who have the surgery, nothing really changes for them. They don't fix what it is on the inside. I was already told how to beat the system, and gain weight despite the surgery, so why would I have surgery? (By the way, its drinking milkshakes, which I love!) It won't change who I am.

I am a food addict. I have an addiction. I can't stop, I can't say no. Some can't quit drinking booze, some can't say no to sex, some can't quit snorting or shooting. I could easily be any of these people. And the American public is sadly getting more and more obese because its okay for us to eat what we want, we better eat it because there are starving children in Africa! The amount of over indulgence in this country is sickening. Not just with food, with everything, but that's a horse of an entirely different color.

Who can fix me? Only me, I have to make that decision. But I can't do it alone. I need God.

1. I admit, I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.
2. I believe that God can fix me, restore me to sanity
3. God, I hand myself over to you. Help me to change and be free of this addiction.
4. I need to look over and
5. give my moral inventory
6. because I am ready for Him to remove these defects of character
7. and I want to ask Him to do so

Guess what, I need to make an appointment to give my inventory.
I need to work the steps.
I stopped working them.
I stopped growing.
I turned away from God's will. (That is why I am a sinner)
I repent now. Help me God.

Here I go, let's weigh in:

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.5
This weeks loss/gain: 0.1
Total weight lost: 30.2
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.5

What?!! I cannot possibly have not gained only .1 pounds. My body feels horrible, my stomach is larger! God, you are doing something in me, and I see that. Help me to help you in the transformation of me. In Jesus Name, AMEN

Much

1. Put your iPod or iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Trouble (Caedemons Call) H.I. larious

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Closer (Jars of Clay) cool, its a song about getting closer to God...

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
What I want (Daughtry)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Sing to the Lord (Hillsong) this is getting creepy

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Home (Daughtry) Yes! I'm going home!

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful, Scandalous Night (Robbie Seay Band) also creepy accurate

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Sovereign Hands (Hillsong United) God has those.

WHAT IS 2+2?
You Thought (Skillet) this is the most appropriate ever

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Blessed be your Name (Tree 63) oddly I think of this as his song

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Alive Forever, Amen! (Warren Barfield) Hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
A Conversation (David Crowder Band) oddly enough, I thought I deleted it because its a phone call, not a song.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Grace (Phil Wickham)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You are my hope (Skillet) have already determined the "person I like" is Jesus....

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Stars (David Crowder Band) if you listen to this song, and know my self-appointed nickname as a kid was Starr... its getting eerie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
King of Glory (Josh Bates) enough said.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Song to the King (Pocket full of Rocks) AMEN!

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Where We Gonna Go From Here (Mat Kearney) Dave Ferguson would call this "What's Next?"

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
All Bow Down (Chris Tomlin) hey, that is not a bad secret, is it?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin) now how could they not be?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Arms of Love (Kutless) if that is the worse thing that could happen, falling into the arms of Jesus, I think I am set for life...

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Everlasting God (Lincoln Brewster) strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord! So, I die waiting?

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Let Love In (Goo Goo Dolls) owning a song by the Goo Goo Dolls?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Fuego de Dios (Fire Fall Down) ((Hillsong United)) yes, spanish cracks me up

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
If I have not Love (Matt Redmond) this is the most accurate meme ever!

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Praise Awaits You (Matt Redman) interesting, already married... so must be to Jesus.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Love the Lord (Lincoln Brewster) you know, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength....

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Pure Light (Matt Redman) guess God does

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Uncreated One (Chris Tomlin) how do you change that?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Majesty (Matt Redman) this makes sense...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Much (Ten Shekel Shirt)

Gimme Words to Speak

Have so much I want to say, but no words with which to speak.

I love how life is completely different for me now than it was years ago.
I love how I am so smart, and I don't forget what I have learned when it comes down to it.

I love how I am starting to feel like an adult, accept feeling like an adult.
I love how I am able to accept responsibility, and respect, which I never have before.

I love watching people around me grow as a result of my influence on them.
I love watching people being drawn to God.

I love watching my husband live up to a sliver of his potential. I know he can shine, I know he does shine. Its wonderful.

This is only the beginning. Where do we go from here oh God?
Give me words to speak... let me go at your speed...

Aaron Shust – Give Me the Words to Speak
From the album Whispered And Shouted

Calloused and bruised/ dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes/ and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
I just don’t understand this life that I’ve been living
I just don’t understand (x2)
I just don’t understand these lies I’ve been believing
I just don’t understand (x2)

Just where have you been young lady?

When your throat starts to swell up, and your co-workers call you a little horse (you calling me a pony?) you decide to sleep in, and catch up on your sleep. It has worked so far. Sleep is very restorative, it helps me to fight off colds, and fend off ponies in your throat.

Now, I have to get back to all the stuff I was supposed to be doing, but didn't do.

I really needed a laugh

You have to watch all the way to the end.

Thank God for a sense of humor.

History in the making

Indeed this is history in the making. I won't divulge my vote, I don't think anyone needs to know that, and this has nothing to do with how I voted. I am blogging about my feelings. Please don't attack politics, because this is not about that.

I do believe that I shed a tear yesterday because of a memory. After listening to Obama's speech (I got home just in time to pop the TV on to the start of it) I shed a tear. My heart was flying back to my childhood.

I remember when I was a child, idealistic, and sure of myself. I knew something back then that came true last night. I remember thinking as a child "I am going to be alive when a black man is elected president... I wonder how old I will be?" Last night I said "dear little Shelley, you are 32 years old, and in 2009 what you wondered about will be the truth." Maybe it was Barack talking about the centurion voter, and all the changes she experienced in her lifetime, maybe it is just that I have always been a history buff, and this was history in the making. Maybe it is just because I came home from my support group and was in the mood to care for my inner child. I realized that I was experiencing history.

Yes, it was from my bed. I was not downtown Chicago, like so many others I will find out were. I am not insane enough to be drawn into a crowd that size, I could not handle it. I am perfectly content watching history on my TV, much like when we first bombed Iraq years ago. I like to observe, make my own conclusions, but am glad I am not right there at that very moment. Besides, I could see the look in his eyes, something that I am sure was very difficult to see in Grant Park last night through anything but... a tv monitor.

Funny, when I turned on the TV, Dave said "well I guess he won." It was not that important to us who won. Yes, we voted, no I am not telling you who for. What we know, what we believe, made it so that we were firm things would be okay. You see, God is sovereign. No matter who is elected, God will use him to serve God's purposes.

No matter who you voted for, pray for Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and all of our newly elected politicos that they may use their wisdom and experience and leadership for the good of our country, for the good of the world.

Welcome, boys and girls, to history in the making. Enjoy it.

How a week disappears

Last weigh-in weight: 247.4
Today's weight: 247.4
This weeks loss/gain: 0
Total weight lost: 30.3
Weight to lose to mini-goal(240): 7.4


So the whole week I did nothing. Good.
Not so much.

I didn't do a thing.

I didn't exercise, I didn't watch my food.

I didn't journal at all. I didn't connect.

Someone told me they look up to me this week and I felt guilty.

And the sermon on the Holy Spirit just made me think more... about being in a relationship, walking with the Spirit. And I wanted it back.

God, I am not strong enough to do this on my own. Be with me, help me. I know you will, your Word says so. Help me to look to you, to walk with you.

You are constantly moving. What happens when I stand still. What happens when I don't move with you. I miss out.

You have something for me bigger than I can imagine. Help me to stop being a caterpillar. Help me to spread my wings and fly.